thoughts on Tumblr||@clemomille||
#Yr!alc's nest
steel trellis
I'm not sure if it will disappear at any time.For one reason it depends on my mental state, I'm not sure if I have the motivation to continue. But anyways，I'll give it a try.
steel trellis
Me
Claire/Clairy
18 but still got one and a half years to finish high school
Straight
Short
Curly brown hair
Personality
Reserved /introvert （trying to pretend to be extrovert)
Kind of aloof (maybe
Avoidant attachment
Hobbies
Music（Novo Amor / Tessa Violet / Dionysos / Sufjan Stevens / Mother Mother / Of monsters and men / Saint Motel / Wild Child / WILD……）
Photography
Reading
Day dreaming
Anyway, I started dreaming in the early hours of the morning, a very chaotic dream. In my dream, I was wearing the only colorful coat at that time, which seemed to be a red trench coat. Everything else in my dream was gray, even black and white. At that time, the sky was raining, and the rain was not small. At least there was a sound on the umbrella, pattering. It seems that I was going to school or something, but I didn't want to, so I got off at a station. I didn't have an umbrella, so I had to stand in the rain.（But at that time, I was not angry but calm.）
Then there was a chaotic dream ... I can't remember ...
I am trying to write a simple intro, but I don't think anyone will notice lol. Sometimes I feel that I am ambivalent. I want others to pay attention to me and I am afraid that others will know me too well. I am a broken existence.
The reply on SLOWLY gradually disappeared. I feel that it is still because of the problem of the letter I wrote. It is not a very good letter.
Maybe.
“This is my sixth time using this app. And now, I want to share a slightly longer story—a story about myself.
I first started using SLOWLY when I was 14. Each time, I’ve met one or two kind souls from different countries. Through glimpses into their diverse lives, I slowly realized just how vast the world is, far beyond the small town I live in—fascinating and full of wonder.
However, after about six months of using Slowly, a certain sense of loss would always creep in. And before I knew it, l'd vanish without a word. Then, after a long time, l'd come back, start all over again, repeating the same cycle.
When I first started using this app, it really appealed to me. The slow, thoughtful exchanges were perfect for someone like me, who struggles to make friends. Here, I've talked about the stars with someone from Poland, shared holiday traditions with a girl from Bangladesh, and exchanged photos of school life with a boy from Russia (he's a great photographer).
Whether it's art, photography, books, or movies, I never have enough time to learn all the things l'd like. So, writing letters to these people became a huge source of joy in my otherwise ordinary life. Even though l'm not that knowledgeable or brilliant, I've kept a record of everything they've shared with me. Through them, l've learned so much about different cultures, and each time I start with a new pen pal, I feel excited again. Sometimes, reading their words while sitting alone at school makes my days feel fuller.
But, I'm not good at keeping friends. That's why I keep deleting and re-registering on Slowly.
On one hand, it's a great way to connect with others, especially in a fast-paced world like ours. l've tried Discord, Instagram, Snapchat, and so on. But while waiting for replies from the other side of the screen, doubts would start to creep in: Do they really enjoy talking to me? Do they find me boring? Do I even matter to them? And before I knew it, those anxious thoughts would flood my mind like a tide, eventually drowning me. That's when I'd quickly delete my account and disappear for a while, only to return again later.
I've been friends with a boy for over two years now. We argue and debate often-he's incredibly stubborn and loves philosophy and literature. During our chats, he's gotten to know me well. He once told me I have a strong desire to share, but I don't have anyone to do that with, which leaves me caught in a cycle of reaching out, then retreating, even when someone extends a hand. After I attempted to end my life, he wrote me a very long letter, most of it addressing my mental struggles (which, thankfully, have improved a bit). He encouraged me to step out of my lonely study routine and meet new people. I don't want to disappoint him, so here I am, trying again.
I often find myself pondering about life and the future mostly late at night when I can't sleep (I have mild insomnia). Sometimes I wonder, will I ever meet someone older and wiser who can answer all the questions I have about life? Is that even possible? Right now, l'm a high school student, attending classes at a school near my home. I get along with my classmates well enough, but sometimes I end up being hurt for reasons I don't understand.
Why does being kind to people result in gossip and slander behind my back? I don't know who to talk to. My relationship with my mom isn't the best, and because of family issues, there's no one else I can really share my boring thoughts with. Sometimes, I wonder about the future what will life be like when I grow up? Will it be as discouraging as it seems? Will university be any different from what I feel now? I have so many questions. I just want someone to tell me all the things I don't know yet-like how to deal with rumors. I don't know. Maybe someone wise and knowledgeable can give me a sense of security, like this boy in my class who reads a lot. We're good friends.
I love music. I have a playlist full of songs that | sometimes play for my parrot, Pepper.
He's a parrot. I used to have two more, but they died, probably because of my carelessness. I was going through a depressed phase and I don't think I took care of them properly.
I enjoy photography, and my phone is full of photos l've taken. I have a fun app that simulates a real camera, and I often use it to capture the sky or flowers. I love flowers.
My name means "bright," or at least, that's what my mom told me. I don't know if l've lived up to her expectations.
Coming back to the original question-how can I stop disappearing all the time? After writing letters for a while, I feel this pressure to keep going. Partly because I don't have the language skills to make my boring daily life sound exciting, and partly because I'm just a student—I feel like there's nothing left to share especially once I've already told them about my life. How do I keep making friends? I'm scared my pen pals will find me boring because I can't keep sharing new things. Are we even meant to be friends? I hope you have an answer for me.
Maybe it would help if you asked me questions or shared something you feel is worth sharing. I'm not sure, but that's what my friend suggested. Either way, l'm always eager to learn from anyone.
No matter what, I'm ready to try again. So, I'll leave you with a part of the letter I wrote to my friend:
"I don't know if I'll still be talking to you by the time you read this (I tend to disappear because l'm scared of facing reality, just like l'm scared of facing love). You know how I sometimes vanish for weeks when I'm upset, but then I come back once the sadness has passed, and l'm all cheerful again. So, my classmates only see the energetic version of me, even though I almost ended my life once. If I've already cut ties with you, don't be sad. Life is long, and you'll meet many people who are just passing by. Some will walk a bit of the road with you, and at the next turn, you'll find new companions. If I happened to cross your path and gave you a little strength, don't hesitate to accept it. Some people meet only to say goodbye.
Lastly, as strange as it may sound, I want to leave you with one final wish—for both of us: I hope we'll keep going. I hope we'll still alive and live well."
My classmates are setting off fireworks.
Damn I also want to set off fireworks, but they costs tooo much
Well, I'm still struggling with my physics- burn them all！
I hate exams
I'm not that bad. Cheer up.
my situation is waaaaay much better than that of last year.
I should be proud of myself.
Tea is the best drink in the world!
just accidentally sent a friend request to someone😅 really hope there's no chatting
steel trellis
Pepper is changing his feathers these days, and the edge of his cage is a mess!！
I was bitten by him the day before yesterday. It hurts a lot
I feel that sometimes I don't like him very much. He always avoids my touch or flapping his wings at me. My mom likes him although she always complains that raising pets is very very troublesome, she stills often interacts with him. I feel that I can't even be friends with pets.
I've always wanted to have a black cat named pumpernickel. But I think I will be a terrible owner……
I don't know how to love them
I FEEL LONELY
I WANNA FRIENDS
I WANNA FALL IN LOVE(crying)
steel trellis
I met several scammers and countless Indians.🙃
DAMN
They're keeping me awake now.
I MUST finish my physics tomorrow.
*today actually, it's early in the morning, and my vows are broken **again ***
I feel ambivalent. I want to find friends but I don't have the courage to chat in the chat room
instead here is my most comfortable place
But I really want to meet someone who can listen to me carefully, listen to me rambling what happened at school, sharing life, even come to me.
steel trellis
No, why are there always strange people harassing me? ? ? They didn't even read my introduction! ! !
Crying
steel trellis
Okay, I'm sneaking into the introverts now
steel trellis
they keep saying they're friendly and welcome Dms but actually they don't give a sh about it
how can I get a lovely person to talk to
I used to fantasise about meeting someone on the Internet and becoming ***good ***friends. We shared our lives and photos and even talked on the phone. And then he would tell me that his family was planning to travel here so he could meet me.
Those unrealistic expectations drive me crazy
steel trellis
Someone teach me physics pls
steel trellis
Oh god, I've been soooo busy these days that I completely forgot about this place
I watched a movie with my mom yesterday. The movie was ok, but I guessed the criminal and motive in the middle
Yeahhh the serious was fine ……just a little bit boring comparing to the first one
lonely
Well, I'm a little under the illusion that I'm liked by someone
Damn it, I was chased by my former good friend in tg at MIDNIGHT the day before yesterday and he insulted me about I only came to him because I regarded him as a backup plan and I seduced him
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT
I'm sorry I cursed. At that time, I thought it was his mother found out that he sent me a message, so she scolded me with his mobile phone and I even thought I was bothering him and cried for a long time
But you know what，those damn messages were sent by him. He called me 29 times and insulted me with a dozen messages, and chased me from tg to my mailbox just because he thought I was chatting with another russian guy
I was so frightened that I even canceled my email account and felt guilty that I had disturbed him
He's a liar
I hate him
He later apologized to me, and I reluctantly forgave him, and then he even asked me if I wanted to watch porn together？？？
And He also wanted to see my body and asked me if I wanted to see his private parts
What the hell happened to him? We haven't contacted for over a year. Why did he become like this?
After I refused, he said I was too conservative
I'm not a slut or a seducer crying
I even thought he was kind to me at first
steel trellis
sleepy
steel trellis
steel trellis
yayyyyy I played rusty lake yesterday
I really like this game series Although I only finished a few.
LOVE Mr. Crow!
I overslept again ... although I tried to get me up early, but ughhhh always failed
My mind will be filled with all kinds of songs I have heard before as my background music and sometimes I can't tell whether it is reality or dream
I remember that the song I heard today was beloved John by Sufjan Stevens.
Well, hope I remember the name correctly
steel trellis
I kind of want someone to express affections to me
tells me he loves me deeply
huh
steel trellis
tells me he loves me deeply
nah thats sounds alittle creepy
this'll make me feel that he wants something from me
hope someone will leave me a message.
