#Em's Escape

67 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

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Em's Escape

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Sis and I made a Discord server awhile ago, I left it though since being on it reminded me of a few people and didn't have much motivation to finish making it and that made me feel bad.

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Often feel dumb when I don't quickly figure out things or taking awhile to realize things.

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Just remembered why I left one time, wasn't in a good place then someone put a comment and.....Then I really wondered if people like me for me or just my achievements. Don't think one person I started to be friends with wanted to be my friend back, think the same for a few other people.

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Doesn't help me to feel better about myself when someone especially a friend doesn't acknowledge me as being a human being with thoughts and emotions.

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Like, most people say I matter and they care about me but then don't act like it.

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Confuses the hell outta me.

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Maybe they meant it as a joke though......Idk.....I don't always read tone well.

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Idk, can't help but feel disheartened and discouraged a bit anyway.

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For awhile I just used this server to journal and probably will again, barely ever chat in huddler lounge. Think I just prefer a less crowded chat, one that doesn't fly by and can have convos.

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But yeah Idk for how much longer but I exist and I have human emotions, dreams, and thoughts. Somewhat ambitions but....Idk if I'll ever get around to pursuing my dreams....Dk if I can with my situations lately, dk if it's realistic for me. Would like to travel the world someday, go to Germany and meet a friend and hangout.

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Guess I felt like emotionally torturing myself and looked at my last bf's posts.....Tried hard to break that habit of looking at old convos with anyone but....Blame my intrusive thoughts, been thinking about why maybe he was the way he was towards me and.....Think maybe he was still hungup on someone else.....

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More bad habits of overthinking and overreacting.....

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Still unsure if I'mma ever get outta my damn mental rut.

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Still can't really understand why some people say and do some things....

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But I've been tired of having one-sided friendships or relationships, don't want anymore so weary of ever dating or making friends again. What's the point in caring when others don't?

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If I can even be helped....Dk, like I said, still have hope I guess.

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Also would like to break the habits of caring and worrying too much.

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Tried getting over 'em by myself but yeah I need professional help. Just hoping it doesn't go like last time....

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Like when therapists walked out instead of trying to work with me, therapist I did work with brushed off and invalidated me, and my med nurse wouldn't answer my questions about the 1 med I was prescribed after I got outta the hospital. I still find it weird how I was rediagnosed with depression yet not given another antidepressant nor was I was given anything for my hallucinations/delusions or anxiety. Was told I was given the med (that's apparently not even pretty much used to treat mental disorders) cause "that's all they had" like at a hospital? Uhhhhhh and even then she just said it "just works" when I asked how it's supposed to.

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Still baffles me to this day.

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Another thing that baffles me's how I got yelled at for having a panic attack. 16, was my first time being away from home in another city at a mental hospital and felt abandoned cause my fam didn't call me when they said they would. Started having a panic attack during a meeting and instead of oh Idk being patient and letting me explain the guy I was talking to got irate. I asked why I was there sitting during that and he was like "you're here cause you wanna be" and man.....He calmed down after he lemme explain what tf I was on about and apologized, he didn't though. Don't miss that place, prefer going to the 1st place if I had to but they didn't have room. Ever been hospitalized twice, at 12 then 16. First time think for suicidal ideations then same but also self harm.

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Surprised I haven't broken my self harm streak yet, sometimes really consider doing it though.

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I'd rather drink

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TW mentions of self harm: ||Used to cut and burn myself, haven't done either in over 6 yrs but it was cause I really hated my body back then and wanted to damage it.||

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But happy thoughts happy thoughts winterblanket . Didn't start a puzzle yet, forgot to.

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Back to worrying I'mma accidently post in someone else's journal. paimoncookie

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That'd be awkward.

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Damn, just started missing playing Scrabble with my old friend Logan. Just say we had a falling out and can't anymore. Might ask another friend if they wanna play though.

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Asked my besty Anne if she's ever played. Still so grateful for her too, grateful for all my friends but her and Vivi especially have been supports during these dark times. Of course they're not always online and that's ok, appreciate when they are and appreciate the chats we do have. bunnylove

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Even a little bit helps coming from people that care. Just thought of something pretty sure I had mentioned in my other journal, one time I went to the lake and was sitting on a bench and a puppy ran over to me and tried getting in my lap. Little guy had such a big smile and wanted pets, his owners came over apologizing but I said it's ok, couldn't stop smiling. I like animals. Mom has 2 dogs and a cat, big bro has a cat. I used to have guinea pigs, 2 boys named Shadow and Link. Big LoZ fan lol

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Just had someone I've never chatted with on a server I've never posted on tell me happy bday. y_duckiesip

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Ugh damn shyness and social awkwardness bearshshy

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Think I'm ok here in my journal....Wouldn't be the first time someone else posted in one though. Like they were nice, apologized, and deleted their comment after I pointed out that others aren't supposed to post in a journal that's not theirs but that still freaked me out a bit. Happens though I guess.

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Working on the blanket, also trying to get again used to this being a public journal anyone can read and react to. Did try out the app, tried journaling but guess I'm too dumb to figure out how to add to a journal or make another since couldn't write much. Gonna go shopping, hoping to finish the bunny plushy today since we're visiting little bro tomorrow.

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Felt like journaling instead of reaching out to 988, might anyway since mom and I just got in an argument. She said she wanted me to be happy and I told her I'd never be, that there's a divide between us and that we were never friends. That it's not fair how I'm treated and she said I don't show her any love, respect, and dignity despite being a caregiver and stuff. Told her I didn't appreciate her comments since my other fam flat out said they gave up on her and don't care cause they don't see her ever getting better. Sometimes wonder if I do too but I try to hold onto some hope. Idk what happiness is, never gonna have kids and get married. Worried I'll never find a guy that's willing to settle down and commit since I've had little-to-no luck dating so far. Ik there's "more fish in the sea" but I've barely had luck whether online dating or irl. Anyway feel like a greater strain between mom and I, get it though that we're all stressed and she let her anger out on me cause she doesn't when my bros yell, cuss, or even throw things at her cause she's afraid of 'em so more reserved/weary of making 'em angry. Patience's a virtue blanket

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For anyone that reads this and didn't read my other journal at all well....My mom has her own problems, she's often selfish, stubborn, and oblivious to things. Also has memory issues and I understand a bit and try to have great patience but I can't fully understand. Having worked with people with dementia I told her to get tested for it since she's been showing some signs lately.

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We've tried fam therapy and things but my fam'll probably never change for the better. We've sat down many times with mom for interventions but.....Nothing sticks....Nothing'll ever change and still feeling conflicted, still feeling like it'd be better for me to leave but still would feel some guilt cause she's not always like this, just most of the time. My fam has their moments of being supports for me but.....Guess current situation and recent things overshadow the good moments and memories of how things used to be dishearten me.

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Maybe nurses I talked to were right though, being a caregiver's an unthankful job full of abuse, bad pay, overworked, undersupplied, and understaffed cause, at least as a CNA, it's potentially backbreaking work.

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I'd know though about that last part. Had to deadlift from a bed to w/c a resident or 2 back when I was working just to be told like 2 weeks later that I could use a damn mechanical lift instead.

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Think I mentioned my stories of working at that nursing home in my other journal though, maybe they should stay in that. Be better that I forget anyway.

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But sometimes do miss a CNA that I worked with, even just for a day. She left an impact on me with how sweet she was. nyaTears2

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Me being a social awkward nervous wreck unsure of my capabilities and future was reassured by 2 CNAs that I'll probably do ok, they could tell I liked doing what I did or at least the most part and would surely be ok if I keep working or pursue being a nurse.

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Whether it's working as a CNA or something else in healthcare, not uncommon to come across violent/abusive residents/patients so that's potentially apart of the job. Could do without having to flat out lift then carry someone though especially when some beds were broken and were hard to move, wouldn't lower, or rise.

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Bless her heart, such a nice lady, think she said she worked there over 20 yrs.

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People like her gimme hope or such joy and reassurance whether it's going to a nursing home or hospital period that there's still people that actually care about their residents or patients and treating 'em right. Heard a few stories of people that well didn't care and my fam and I had bad experiences of our own of course. Not that I can get too mad though cause

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Am starting to feel a bit better though after eating and listening to music. Sometimes feel so nice just to jot down my thoughts, vent, or both.

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Decided to write in this again, mostly cause I'm struggling to keep up on writing in my physical journal cause of my carpal tunnel syndrome, guess it's hard for me to hold a pen and write at least for long. Wish I could private this though, was used to my last bf and sis reacting in my journal and well they both left this server. Don't think my other friends are active much either. Been looking into college and unsure if I'mma pursue nursing still but I considered cosmetology too since I already do some tasks as a cosmetologist would do if I go working as a CNA again. Idk if I'll make it past this yr though, 2 more yrs till I turn 30 and still unsure if I even wanna do that. I've been saying awhile now that I wasn't planning on living past 30 and still aren't, still barely see a point to life. Have a few friends yeah but haven't talked to 'em in awhile, was gonna start therapy next week but even then what's the point? Guess I still hold onto some hope that I can be treated and move on from my past and eventually get outta my current situation. Would mean moving away from my fam and hometown but most of the time I wonder if that'd be the best thing anyway. Still torn between leaving my fam behind or not.....Guess apart of me still'd feel guilt or shame or something but why be caring and thankful for people that aren't back? Try to tell myself that I should be used to it cause of, where I worked at least, it was a very unthankful job and may be if I go working at a nursing home or hospital again. Also bugs me how friends I haven't talked to in yrs reached out to me recently asking how I was doing, Ik it's not from a place of caring since we didn't have good friendships anyway but I wish they'd go away and leave me alone. They didn't care back then, they shouldn't now.

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Maybe they just wanna bully or use me again

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Wouldn't put it past 'em much

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Sometimes wonder if I have a poor judge of character or if I just wanna make friends/try to have a relationship and ignore/take awhile to notice red flags till it's too late and I get heartbroken. Sometimes wonder if I'd be better off alone or around others. Can only do so much, even if it's just to survive and even then not always even that.

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Still wish I could live in a log cabin in the forest faraway from civilization, would like to try homesteading someday.

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But I guess that's a dream, some dreams are meant just be dreams though. Not everything's realistic.

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Not everything's possible

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Like after I got that wellness check and explained what all was going on and how I couldn't get therapy or even go to a crisis center right then and there but I was looked at weirdly and just said gl.

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Yesterday when my mom and I went to visit my little bro in the hospital I had a talk with his psych team, helped 'em make a safety plan and got to talking about stigma and stuff. Stigma's one of the many reasons why someone may not be open to therapy/other help. Or like in my case, financial/availability issues period.

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For me safety plans never did anything, I've had one or 2 but.....Well my mom didn't care and didn't care to check up on me like she was supposed to so we just brushed the entire thing off.

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Still fighting that urge to not go buy liquor.

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Feeling like I've been, even just slowly, falling back into my old habits and I don't like it of course but unsure how to shake 'em. Bad habits that I at one point found comfort in and especially during this hella stressful time well.....Not much else helps.....

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But she also acknowledged that she didn't fully understand.