#Noel's Journal 💙

701 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

uneven breach
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Welcome to the story of genderfluid Noel!! We hope you enjoy your stay here. For now, feel free to reach out if you need support or do want to support me!! I always enjoy making new friends, just shoot me a friend request 💙

TW: abuse, alcohol addiction, neglect, concerns about being overweight / underweight, gender dysphoria, suicidal thoughts

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so

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uh

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hi!

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the last few weeks have been hell on earth for me

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anxiety attacks, finally connected my dots that my mom was a functioning alcoholic, been dealing with a bunch of bullshit i didnt even ask for

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and somehow i still have a 4.0 gpa 💀 basically killing myself for it but anything to get out ig

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for now today uh my goals are

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  • take out the garbage and clean the kitchen
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  • study for sat
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  • english textbook
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that should be it ❤️

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im

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exhausted

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beyond

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exhausted

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so i may take a nap

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but other than that i feel like a 6/10 right now

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reached out for help at school again hoping to get therapy up from once a week to twice a week

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idk its just a little annoying to have a sucky mom that's given me severe trust issues

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and a violent dad who has declared instead of physically abusing his kids he will verbally abuse them!

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if there's one thing i can be thankful for it's that i no longer live with my dad

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❤️

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ive been doing a lot of research on children of alcoholics though and i think i definitely fit right in with that group lmfao

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other kids be grinding out they shit and their assignments the night before they due and im finishing them 4 or 5 days before 😭

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im super independent tbh for the most part i try to avoid my parents

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probably not a good thing but it's whatever

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what am i gonna do

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beg for my mom to love me 💀

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i just gotta carry my own baggage ig

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doesnt help that my own brother doesnt even acknowledge anythings wrong

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crazy shit

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hes only 14 w/ anger issues and adhd

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like bro at 14 i knew we were being abused

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i just feel bad for him hes taking it out on himself dude idk how to help him atp

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our room is a fucking mess

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i dont have any space for myself unfortunately

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i will say i'm kind of fucking awesome for like

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not giving up lol

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bc ive been close

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like last night when i cried in the shower lmfao

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💀

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currently cleaning so i can do my fucking schoolwork since my desk is unusable rn thanks to my brother blurrycry

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and ofc my brothers half drinken latte has to spill all over my desk mat lmfao

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huge L

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cleaned it tho

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🔥

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still crazy to me that 9 cans of beer popped up in 3 days while i was gone

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like my brain cannot

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process that fact lmfao

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im just gonna start counting every can of beer i see my mom drink this week

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if she goes out with friends im just going to consider it +2 or +3 drinks considering how she is when she gets home

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might as well see how high she can go

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as of now im going to be generous and assume that my stepdad drank half of the drinks that popped up while i was gone

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so thats uh

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4.5 for my mom

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round up to 5

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last night she drank another

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so thats 6

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i mean 8 or more drinks is already enough lmfao

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💀

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will be shocked if i dont see her drink another one tn

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idk itd just be nice if she was addicted to something i actually enjoyed like soda so i could join in for once

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not striving to be like her but lmfao

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kind of wild to me

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how does she do it

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my therapist asks the same thing about me when i talk about my mom

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the truth is it doesn't matter if you're hurting as long as what you need to do gets done

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you push even if you have nothing left and it ends up working out in the end

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god forbid anyone have mental health issues in this economy

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💀

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i gotta start cleaning the kitchen soon but meh

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itd be nice if my mom helped me with what i had to do instead of asking me to do everything lol

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managed to successfully force lifeguarding on me

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its like a 4/10 job literally mindbogglingly boring and still manages to be stressful

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😭

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thankfully shes never made me be the parent lmfao

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still have to be super independent because god forbid i be allowed to borrow a single penny

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shes been hounding me to get a job again like she isnt just going to borrow the money

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have to wait 2 weeks till she gets paid for me to make like 5 dollar purchases

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maybe if we stopped buying beer and vodka we'd be a little bit better off

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❤️

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i honestly hate where i live lol

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and who i live with

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Kai/Erinn/Noel's journal

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dad warns me all the time about my mom borrowing my money lol she pulls the same shit on my brother she just doesn't have to ask me because my money's in her bank account

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❤️

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anyway wish me luck on removing all of the empty beer cans from the house

uneven breach
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for now im just kind of alive 💀

uneven breach
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finding the energy to do anything is literally a chore in and of itself

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like help me 💀

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im making ramen fuck it

uneven breach
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ayy almost done with the textbook

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mom unfortunately does not have food in the house despite having money because she's too busy to go grocery shopping ig

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guess we're eating unhealthy fast food for the rest of the week until our stepdad gets home on thursday

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fucking perfect when i'm trying to watch my weight

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screw me i guess

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idk i miss my stepdad because if my mom or my brother start fighting im going to be the only one in the middle

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as much as i kind of dislike him sometimes he's kind of my shield during those interactions

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100 messages W

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well not W but at least im getting it out

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ALSO IM MY SCHOOLS JUNIOR EDITOR FOR THEIR LITERARY MAGAZINE LETS GO.

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🔥

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WE TAKE THESE

uneven breach
# uneven breach screw me i guess

i will say i got from down from a 24.2 to closer to a 23 on the BMI scale so im getting a lot closer to not even being close to overweight (currently 145 and 5'7")

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i think 22 is a good place to stop? i might start cycling

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obvi dont want it to become a problem

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idk i enjoy finding reasons to be happy even if like

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my brain feels like a fried omelette

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💀

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if anything i can just maintain my weight and get taller atm

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i'll see ig

uneven breach
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me when its 6pm and my mom still hasnt ordered the chinese food ❤️

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said we gotta clean our room first lmfao

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???

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💀

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WE JUST GONNA STARVE WHAT

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ok shes ordering it wee

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cant wait to watch her open another can of beer so i can update my total

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🍻

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pretty sure my mom just drinks a ton w/ friends when im not around lmfao

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only way to explain all the empty beer cans

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great the fucking chinese place is closed

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my mom cant even do basic research

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💀

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she said "chinese people close on monday"

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?? 💀

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we're eating mcdonalds

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AGAIN

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LIKE

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AND ITS NOT EVEN LIKE WE GET THE GOOD SHIT

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💀

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also bye i found 2 empty boxes of hard saltzer in our plastic + another empty box inside

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theyre 12-15 packs

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so assuming they were finished in the last month

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thats 36

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and thats not including

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all of the times

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my mom probably went out with her friends while i was gone

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in the last month

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and the times shes drank when we've went out to eat

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yeah shes an alcoholic

uneven breach
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gonna do sat study after we get dinner

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gonna fill my fatass with ultraprocessed shit

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it's whatever

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i'll live

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for about 30 years

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i hate america

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💀

uneven breach
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atp i just feel like im imagining everything my mom does is to hurt me

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im so used to protecting myself i dont have time to take my guard down lol

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i doubt every letter i type lmfao

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like its just funny atp how much im genuinely suffering

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we're at cps picking up random shit

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7pm ive barely ate anything

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its whatever

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ill be ok!

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💙

uneven breach
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god forbid i have a healthy diet

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im trying but what am i gonna do lol

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its either im a disgusting pig or im starving myself

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i mean i basically eat any processed shit i can get my hands on cuz its one of the only coping mechanisms i have lol

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same with fasting

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i love having an unhealthy relationship with food

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every time i try i just end up feeling worse about myself because my parents just end up buying fast food and i feel disgusting after eating it

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its either that, processed ramen, or i starve

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if im lucky maybe something like pasta or chicken lol

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but thats becoming increasingly rare

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nobody cares what i eat anyways why should i

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everybody is stuffing their faces with fake shit anyways and anything healthy is expensive

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i'll fit right in

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i don't really mean that but

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im just frustrated

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i hate being poor

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Noel's Journal 💙💛🤎

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Noel's Journal 💙🧡🤎

uneven breach
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i lied i feel like a fat pig

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god fast food is so disgusting

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it honestly makes me feel like shit

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why do people like this

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why did i like it???

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god it feels like the food is burning a hole in my stomach

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make it stop please

uneven breach
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anyways

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kind of trying not to throw up

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idk this is really sucky

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fast food is actually so gross

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idk how i didn't realize it made me sick

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also ayy 200 messages

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why is an adam sandler movie pissing me off lol

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💀

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the poor parenting as a joke is actually triggering tf out of me

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i dont wanna watch anymore lmfao

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the comedy barely works

uneven breach
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bye i actually stopped watching

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🔥

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for those curious it was Big Daddy 💀

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like some of the movies he's in are just extremely shallow

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it's not that he's the issue he's just wasting his time

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he's probably way better in other movies lol

uneven breach
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still trying to figure myself out n shit but im pretty okay with life rn

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surprisingly pretty okay energy wise and i feel like tomorrow wont be too bad

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i just need to do quick review for my algebra 2 test

uneven breach
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i think about being asexual a lot

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i hear the idea of romance

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it sounds like

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rad

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until the part where you're supposed to mash your body parts together with another person???

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like that sounds absolutely disgusting and dirty and nasty

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and apparently this is one of the biggest ways to show you love a person??

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and the cherry on top is i never look at anybody and think id want to date them

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id think "sure you look really nice"

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but it never goes beyond that

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like i can appreciate people

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but id never want to go beyond that

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it makes me angry cuz i feel like im missing out

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i dont want to date people or have kids and sometimes i kinda wish i did feel that way

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i considered online dating but it seems too hard for little payoff

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i might just let it go

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maybe i'll meet another asexual person someday and it'll just end up working out yknow

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but really i just want somebody as a life partner rather than anything romantic and thats just like a really good fucking friend

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but im so like all over the place mentally idk if i can find friends that can actually be there for me

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i feel like its take somebody else approaching me and showing interest in me for anything to like

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go anywhere

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but i'm like i just don't feel that way about other people

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i like being complimented it makes me feel really nice and flustered and stuff but like

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that isnt gonna make me want to have sex with somebody??

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and thats the only thing that has made me feel like i love a person

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especially when its over text which is really what led me to considering online dating

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i don't really understand that about myself

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a lot is just confusing about how i feel about love

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sex is like out of the question for me and that just leaves a massive crater lol

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and i'm like: "what do i do about myself?"

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idk it's interesting i like this dilemma lol

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i ask myself a lot of interesting questions i like that about myself

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well tbh a relationship is probably out of the question for me

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i just like really good friends

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its that simple lmao

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somehow i know that about myself

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of all things

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i love being treated a certain way not the people treating me that way

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unfortunate but it's true

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i do want to say

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i love being noel

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like i dont get why but

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i just feel complete

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at least right now this just feels

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so right

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im worried im not going to feel like this soon but for now

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im going to cherish every moment of it

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because i feel really happy

uneven breach
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didn't get very far but i gave myself a pass cuz

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im tired

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asf

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but its ok

uneven breach
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good night folks

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its been nice being here for the day yeah

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had fun talking about whats been going on

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im meeting with my therapist again soon

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excited for that!

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i dont have a lot going on this week thankfully just studying

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i'm thankful for that

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im excited to ace the PSAT and aim for the national merit scholarship

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i've honestly been having a really good day after having a good cry with my school's social worker lol

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i think i'm just glad i got to let those emotions out

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thanks for anybody who read, PEACE OUTT 💙💙💙

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Noel's Journal 💙

uneven breach
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good morning

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gotta figure out how to stomach my school’s disgusting lunch lol

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i didn’t even get to eat breakfast so i cant skip

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fuck me i guess

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nah fuck this ill starve no way im eating this shit

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actually rancid food

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its literally stale and shit

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guess ill make ramen when i get back home

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fucking annoying but whatever

uneven breach
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anyway i met with the schools social worker again

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we played jenga and dominos because for once i wasn’t feeling like shit lmfao

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hoping that doesn’t change but

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my mom didn’t drink last night and she did laundry which is incredible

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so i’m in a good mood’

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till she starts drinking again lol

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glad she skipped a day tho

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because it was getting annoying

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drew this last week

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300 messages yippee

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well not yippee but

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lets go.

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regardless.

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ive been watching all quiet on the western front in my film class

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absolutely wild movie

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8/10 would recommend

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anyway goals for today

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  • history textbook
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  • review questions
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  • study for sat
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  • dont bomb my algebra test lol
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  • clean the kitchen
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  • do laundry maybe
uneven breach
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just perfect

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being genderfluid fucking sucks sometimes

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im probably going to swap back to she her pronouns soon

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for now imma hold on to this

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because like

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i just

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like thisfor now

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i have to go back to class in 5 minutes

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wish me luck on my algebra test

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all my work in that class is coming down to this

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if i do well on the test my gpa will skyrocket and so will my grade in the class

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praying sm!!

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i really want to do well there

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on a mission to somebow maintajn my 4.0 gpa

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literally every day its like defusing a bomb

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well regardless imma be chilling in college admissions

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im so cool colleges will be begging to take me..

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i got

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junior editor for the school newspaper

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film club

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art honor society

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bowling freshman year

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  • IM AUTISTIC AN ETHNIC MINORITY AND LGBTQ
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god damn i have to get a scholarship atp

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im also poor

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🔥

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fire emoji

uneven breach
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just got back

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i expect a mediocre 85 or so? since i fumbled the last two questions which were the hardest

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could potentially get higher than that if grading is curved and/or i get partial credit for those questions

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i hope that’ll be what ends up happening for now i can hope that the teacher is better at teaching the other units!

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he’s a fine teacher but i’m having a hard time

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for algebra

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2

uneven breach
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probably celebrating too soon but what else can i do lmao

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ill just

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keep trying in that class

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im giving what i can tbh

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for now its mostly just do well enough to keep my 4.0 gpa alive 💀

uneven breach
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id just stick with noel if it wasnt such a masculine name

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for now im going with erinn

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a little frustrating tbh because id keep my discord name the same if it didnt cause me major issues

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Erinn’s Journal 🤎

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its ok!

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whatever ill live

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i love this image💀

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ive been working my ass off in school tho

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trying to prioritize my mental health is a bitch sometimes

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anyway for now

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its mostly just waiting till my next class starts

uneven breach
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im home

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lets go

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out of school thank god

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💀

uneven breach
uneven breach
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Noel's Journal 💙

uneven breach
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gonna push review for sat and review questions to tomororw

uneven breach
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my mom: “im going to wake up at 6:30 am”

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also my mom: “15 more minutes”

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my mom: “we’re going to leave the house at 7am”

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also my mom: still changing at 7:03

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💀

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bye now she chooses to make coffee?? 😭

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its little shit but it annoys the fuck outta me

uneven breach
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i barely got to school on time

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new record for my mom lol

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congratulations

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😭

uneven breach
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anyway im all caught up on schoolwork just gonna do some vocabuary studying then im chilling

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todays been a pretty great day

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still starving because my school cant serve anything edible but what am i gonna do

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besides im just gonna end up losing weight so

uneven breach
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hello friends

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im honestly so bored

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i have no schoolwork to do

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no homework lmfao

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guess im gonna have to study for the sats tonight

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maybe ill work on my project due in November

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💀

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actually doesnt seem like a bad plan

uneven breach
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i’m gonna have to study for my english vocab quiz also

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should be very very easy

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like today is just an easy day

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thank god i needed one

uneven breach
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im dedicating the rest of this week to finishing that shit

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wednesday thursday friday

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finish it three weeks before its due

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ill give myself as long as i need

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also im wearing a pink sweatshirt and pulling my hair back

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just trying to try out something new

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i like it tbh

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i think it fits me

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today is just going to be hyperfocus on english and SATs

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just realized

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PSAT is in a week

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fuck

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i might have to push my long project week to

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the week before its due

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thats okay ill try and get in work when i can

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today is just

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PSAT study

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and english vocabulary review

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ill try and uh

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try and cover that project

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later

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and also gotta work on the review questions for APUSH as the answers for them come up in class

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not a lot to worry about

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i’ll be fine

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i just need to actually study for the psat

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instead of halfassing it

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i need

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a 1500

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for national merit scholarship

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prolly wont get it but as long as i dont bomb the actual SAT i will get into a good ass college

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my first practice psat i got like a 1300

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which is already good enough

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i just need to actually study

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wish i had an actual fucking study space

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💀

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instead of it just being

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a desk thats way too small

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with my monitor and keyboard taking up 75% of the space

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its so annoying since we took out the big couch in my room i have nowhere to wirk

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i just get kicked out of the living room and sitting at the kitchen in the middle of the house like 2 feet from my moms room doesnt seem comfortable lol

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im like so fucked

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im trying but like

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??

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i have no room lmfao

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i will say figuring out my gender identity is superr frustrating

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like i know im genderfluid but figuring out how im feeling about my gender at any time specifically is like communicating with a brick wall

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like it’s especially confusing when im feeling like neither

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i feel like im stuck in this grey area and i feel this urge to navigate my way out of it but it feels like im going down the wrong road if i say im a boy or a girl today yknow

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im just like

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kai lol

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its odd but its not so bad

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at least for now

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least im not having gender dysphoria 💀

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for now we are

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certainly a human being

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❤️

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we take those

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idk just trying to figure out if i should come out as genderfluid to my dad and my brother

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same with my stepdad

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i feel like im confident everyone except my dad would be supportive

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my dad would just be confused and probably laugh at me for it

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idk if hes like

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LIKE THAT

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about being genderfluid

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but

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he doesnt support trans people i think

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its really strange

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i dont know about him

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i might just ask my mom to not mention it

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maybe ill talk him through it when im older

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will probably tell my brother and my stepdad this week

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ill talk it through with my mom and figure out our plan

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since she knows already

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i trust her to do the right thing

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my brother probably wouldnt care

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my stepdad might be a bit confused but i dont see him as not supportive

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if he wasnt my mom would probably break up with him

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ill figure it out

uneven breach
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he was a fucking asshole about that tho he didnt even ask me for permission

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to make fun of me for it

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mf literally like cracked jokes at the family function

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but i figure coming out to him will come with those stupid jokes so idrc long as he doesnt out me to people who dont know

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figure even he would never cross the line

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i got a lot to think about

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well i’m sure i’ll figure it out

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i trust my judgement and intuition on this at least so

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i know the people around me better than anything else

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if i know i should wait to tell my dad i should wait

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will probably ask my mom on what to do about it and stuff

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she might know the best way to approach it

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unfortunately this week may not be a good time since my grandparents are home

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and they are

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deeply

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religious

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idk if they’re like that

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about

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lgbtq

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but i wouldnt be shocked

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id hope they arent

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it might just be best not to bring it up since my grandma wouldnt understand

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same way she doesnt really get me being an atheist

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its probably best to just keep them out of this discussion

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they tend to cause drama and they’d probably spill the beans lol

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well regardless

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i will

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figure it

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out

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hopefully

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and well

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if i dont?

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bye 3 days and im already over 500 messages

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im obsessed with talking about myself

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figuring out my feelings is fucking difficult

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i try!

uneven breach
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🤯

uneven breach
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its almost like if we dont eat trashy processed fast food it tastes GOOD

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also day 2 of my mom not drinking lets go

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probably because she doesnt have my stepdad with her and she doesnt have anybody to supervise her children

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💀

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thats my best guess

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its crazy to me that when my mom isnt drinking things are suddenly done by her in the house

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its almost like theres a connection there??

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wow

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idk its weird.

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ill figure it out

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i figure everything out

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except whether or not i actually have ptsd💀

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anyway for those who clicked on this channel or read my shit

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heres a present

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going back to soulless factory work now (school)

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bye love yall

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and this server

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lol

uneven breach
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😎

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my mom tried touching my hair and i literally subconsciously flinched and moved away

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literally i had no control over it my neck just snapped away

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like girll

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thats fucking weird i did it so fast before i even realized what happened either

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dude theres something fucked upp with me

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i just want my shit validated and diagnosed lol

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i literally am so quiet walking in my own house i scare my parents lol

uneven breach
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reading for english class

uneven breach
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bye i literally fell asleep for like 4 fucking hours

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i finished english work but i didnt

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do any sat study

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oh well

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today's been a very easy day

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my mom

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hasnt

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been

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home

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we won!

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my stepdad is coming back home!

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we lost

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because my mom

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is going to start

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drinking again

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100%

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it was nice having her for like

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3 days

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because shes been pretty good recently

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but i feel like things are going to go back to the way they were before

uneven breach
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💀

uneven breach
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  • stepdad gets home
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  • mom immediately starts drinking
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LITERALLY

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THEY GOT HOME

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10 MINUTES AGO

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IMMEDIATELY

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I HEAR MY MOM CRACK OPEN A MODELO

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WHAT THE FUCK??

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IM SO FUCKING DONE

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I THOUGHT SHE WAS GOOD

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???

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i cant even

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what the fuck dude

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i really trusted her not be drinking at 11 fucking pm at night

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jesus christ

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i really should lower my standards

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and i was doubting myself again somehow lol

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she literally just

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drinks

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any time

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my stepdad

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is

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around

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because he does everything

uneven breach
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bye

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ok

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im up

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!

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we up!

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last night was

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very hard for ne

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i had to finish some hw after falling asleep lol

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but its cool dudes

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i got this

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..

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😎

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im just him honestly

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(im not)

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(help me)

uneven breach
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i’m just frustrated tbh

uneven breach
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i know i should be doing homework right now

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but guess fucking what

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buddy.

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brain.

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i am not going to do schoolwork every second of my lifetime.

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i choose uh

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not boredom

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rn!

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i kind of need to relax anyways

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i’ve been putting myself through a lot trying to manage everything

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i did everything that’s immediately urgent

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also ive been stuck between boy and girl for a while lol

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i havent really been worrying about it

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but tbh it still just feels odd

uneven breach
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❤️

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im just gonna start doing it now

uneven breach
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yeah so uh

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turns out i have anxiety and depression

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💀

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honestly im shocked

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i really did not think i had depression

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but

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here i am!

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it makes sense now ig 😭

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ive been masking it HARD

uneven breach
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i honestly dont know if i can do this anymore

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we're barely covering rent and we're getting close to being homeless because my mom keeps paying rent late

uneven breach
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im suffering dude

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tf am i gonna do

uneven breach
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just woke up

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this week has been

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better

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i feel more hopeful about the future, at least

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wish me luck on my physics test

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it's being curved thankfully ^-^

uneven breach
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ive just been doing very well recently

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like honestly i am just very happy in general

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i don’t know, i guess nothing really bad has happened which is definitely helping

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just not sure how im going to handle that stuff

uneven breach
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why did i lie to myself 💀

uneven breach
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hiii

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myself

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i don't really know how i feel today

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i'm still stuck in my fog kinda

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CPS came to the house recently and I let them slip by without telling them about anything again

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idk this sucks

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my stepdad was being an ass while drinking beer yesterday lol and my mom was getting all emotional and invading my personal space

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also great that my stepdad is better at bowling than me while drinking

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💀

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my cousin got 5 fouls in one game tho

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that was funny as fuck

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im not that smart tho 💀

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idk ill figure shit out

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i have to write about a summer experience for school still struggling to start that

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i'll get it done

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probably tomorrow

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its odd idk

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my mom will do horrific shit to me or genuinely push me to the point of an anxiety attack and then the next day im just saying "nah she's not that bad" lmfao

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she is a master at making me gaslight myself

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she's so kind until she's not lmfao

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spends my money behind my back doesn't even tell me

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i have to wait for her to get paid to get it back lmfaoo

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it's honestly wild to me

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my family has killed my passion for school and for living

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well it's not dead but it is often snuffed lol

uneven breach
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i know i haven’t talked here much but

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the medicine is helping

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my anxiety is lower

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i feel like i can at least attempt to talk to my parents and reach out to hang out with my friends

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being genderfluid is just a good time also

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idk how im gonna come out to my brother and my stepdad but im pretty sure they’ll be supportive