people try and do so much mroe than me with less and they recieve even less
#rat journal i guess
upbeat wigeon
im a fucking worthless piece of dogshit
words are so useless
because no words in the english lexicon could ever convey what it all is
so genuinely utterly fucking stupid how do you fuck up at every single fucking jucture in your life
why do you genuinely unironically never do anything right
even spinning a wheel to decide my actions would result in more favorable outcomes
fuck i wish i knew what i could say
and not in a i dont know what i want to say kind of way i mean in a i dont know if itll get me banned or on a watch list
or both
there isnt a single person better at not being a human than i
s;oedufipuasdfbywiueof ysdf
SDfgip jhSDI UVHsadiu fhgWDPI Fsd
giolueyfb 9uioafpiuASYFIUYOWSEG FKLJHSDYHFVIUqey r98wyet poiWEU G-97Bsdf GF
nvhb nh bvgbgh nvbngh vhgnv bersgo9 824968 2490875249578w4t98724twe9asfdih asfer
theres no point
upbeat wigeon
anyways new tyler album was good
why does my head always hurt for some reason
oh and i finally got around to finishing i lay down my life for you
also was very good
upbeat wigeon
dear god its all stuck in my head
i said it before but dear god vocaloid brain worms really do be hitting
i did not think id be this into thi
s
like there were only really 3 misses in that album for me and even then like
rot for clout is kinda growing on me and im repeating it in my head for some reason even though i was like "eh i mean its not something id bump tho"
who laced my shit
upbeat wigeon
4th place tonight not bad i suppose
forgot how to fight marie lowkey and got gapped by bella so guess ill hone in on that for now
upbeat wigeon
7/24
i feel good for some reason
normally listening to like "happy" or "hopeful" stuff just kinda feels weird or wrong and doesnt do much for me but idk
hm
i dont even think thats the right word
not mocking
envious
i feel envious thats what
but i think its supposed to be inspiring
upbeat wigeon
good run tonight as well think i just barely missed top 8
still have a serious eliza problem
but two good runs in a row sick
just gotta tighten up the gameplay haha right just gotta
just gotta tighten up the gameplay a little more
just gotta tighten up a little more
upbeat wigeon
I love deltarune
damn this cruel world for making me wait another year for chapter 5😔
and then probably 4 more for chapters 6 and 7
upbeat wigeon
too lazy for making a plate and heating up leftovers so its looking like a 2 bananas and some milk angle for dinner 🗣️
upbeat wigeon
7/25
IB lowkey really fucked me up why am i having nightmares about this several years later like what
had me in the evil contraption
upbeat wigeon
keeping that one vid in here saved me from sorting through my horribly organized files thank god
bro i dont wanna play that horse game but i keep seeing it and im so curious why everyone is so insane about it
like its just duck life but with a budget lol
upbeat wigeon
7/26
well there goes my streak
eliza is lowkey some abysmal horseshit
and the only reason no one talks about her is cause other characters also have abysmal horseshit
i gotta do better but ugh my god
upbeat wigeon
wait femt dropped
upbeat wigeon
self portrait
upbeat wigeon
breaking news reviewing your mistakes can in fact lead to learning
this is unprecedented
and simultaneously IMPOSSIBLE for me to have known prior
this is indisputable FACT
truth cataclysm if you will
eliza fukua and marie i will hang you like laundry
upbeat wigeon
7/27
i want everything and everyone to burn at my feet including myself
upbeat wigeon
7/28
this whole thing is gonna be a lot harder to justify continuing on with once silksong finally comes out and deltarune finishes
the more i think
yeah
maybe there'll be another goalpost, but i doubt it
idk
ideally theres more to go for by then
well not to go for, to go BECAUSE
words fail me
i think if i had a clone the first thing id do is maybe play stuff with them and then the second thing id do is kill them
quadeca album was good
the last one was so good
upbeat wigeon
i used to think people were faking it when they cried or said they cried to music but i guess not
upbeat wigeon
7/29
What DOES it mean to me to feel important
I think that's the hardest question anyone's ever asked me
I'm genuinely dumbfounded
I like to think myself as self aware but when you get asked something like that it's like you realize how much there is
it's cause being important makes me feel like I have control over my life that's been mostly lacking in autonomy since conception
and that's only a bad thing cause I lean into it so hard
I end up being super cruel to me cause since I go against the grain so violently to prove the former, whenever something (i.e failure) props up, it in turn pushes violently into the idea that I'm actually not autonomous and in control and tossed around by life like nothing
I know it's not right to be but like the emotional part of me just overrides and says "okay yeah but like failure and losing kinda really really sucks"
but I guess it sucking isn't necessarily a bad thing
that's weird
something sucking doesn't make it bad
?
I will attempt try 5 new things by the end of this week
Even if by the end I do only 1 thing I'll be happy
if I end up doing nothing, then I'll try again the next week
I'm setting my alarm to 7:30am from now on
that way I have no CHOICE but to try
upbeat wigeon
7/30
dude this is gonna blow your mind
and then he holds up a orb of magic and then the other guys head explodes
upbeat wigeon
Finally got around to listening to IGOR that was p good
also thought about some stuff i wanna do and i got 2 things neither very big but whatever
1 theres a library near me so i wanna go check that out but ON MY OWN and not have someone breathin down my neck for once (mother)
like in theory its not a good idea cause i lowkey get paranoid and doubtful when im not in a familiar place and especially alone but also i wanna power through it
who knows maybe ill enjoy reading for once in my life
and 2 i wanna try coffee
not really anything else to that i just wanna try it
also i set the alarm at 7:30, the fell back asleep and woke up at 10 but its all good
i brushed my teetheseseses
upbeat wigeon
God I'm so hungry
maybe I should start setting alarms so I don't forget to eat
playing in bracket while starving is such a bad idea
I need to lock in I been playing terrible lately
granted I normally do to some degree
no no actually
I SHOULD get better
I wanna get better
I should play with a new thing in mind
not counting now obv since I'm starving
in my mind I kinda already lost here specially with how bad I played r1
well not literally but like I'm not gonna be satisfied with this run regardless of what happens next
it is like
REALLY hard to not hate yourself
this shit is nasty
oh boy I can't wait to play this funny little game I enjoy
you're sick actually. and gross, and I don't like that and someone should kill you, says the fucked up evil guy
upbeat wigeon
8/2
i feel like shit
being outside didnt help and all it did was put me in the hell loop again
honestly i dont even feel like putting it here
idk what i was trying to accomplish saying anything here anyways right now actually
im tired and my head hurts and im bored and idk
but its late and i dont wanna do anything at the same time so its like eh
whatever i guess i dont have anything better to do
basically we went to grab food and the place we normally went to got renovated and upgraded and i had no idea
but my sister and mom didnt bat at eye at it or mention
so clearly it had meant that i have been in for so long that they had time to completely change the building and me not know
and idk it just made me feel awful
nothing i can do abt it but whatever
hopefully will try going to the library tommorow, idk what time
going on weekends seems like the most likely option
since thats when i can get dropped off and yeah
upbeat wigeon
i wonder why memories you dont like come back at night specifically
upbeat wigeon
fuck it this is gonna be in my head the whole night if i dont just talk about it
it feels like im spilling my guts unessesarily
but idk im a bitch or smth
when hurricane irma hit, my mom and sister and i were living with out grandma cause we couldnt afford to do anything else
we did all the normal prep shit like putting the metal over the windows and charging our stuff beforehand etc
and when it happened it was fine for a good while
i think we were in my sisters room
but like a few hours in we kept hearing thunder but it sounded super close
and then like immediatly after one more we heard something big in the living room and when we checked a fucking tree had fell through the roof
and since it was an old house there was mold in the attic
so since you cant breathe that in we had to bolt out to the neighbors and wait there for that day
like during the actual storm itself
once we were out of there we had to get a new place to stay while the house got fixed and stuff, but since we lived in the low income ass neighborhood suburbs the only option we had was this tiny ass house that my grandfather still technically owned
and living there fucking sucked so unbelievably bad
not even just for me
if it was just me it would never had been an issue
idk its just that the whole situation lead to one time me seeing my mom parked in the driveway but not getting out of the car and when i went to see her she was crying and saying how it was hard
obv when i asked her details she refused but i felt so fucking useless
and idk when i think of now i feel like a leech still
so its just that when i think of how im not doign as well as i should in college or not doing anything productive to make shit easier i feel genuinely horrible
cause its still bad now i know it is
specifally money wise
upbeat wigeon
ive been tired before, but i cant remember a time where i felt more exhuasted than right now
not mentally physically
normally if i have a shit night, the morning after i at least feel reset back to normal
i guess i crashed way harder than i thought
it sucks because i really did wanna try the library but idk now
might skip out and try next weekend instead
oh actually
i forgot i think my mother is still gonna get me coffee to try
maybe thatll get me up actually
upbeat wigeon
next weekend it is
not a big deal but i did try coffee
honestly it sucked ass and so much ass that it woke me up really well
i think the issue was just i had too much of it
i dont think its something you gulp down continuously
ill see again tommorow i guess
upbeat wigeon
8/3
finished it
upbeat wigeon
im gonna die alone in this room
upbeat wigeon
what am i even sad for its the same as any other night
fuck that actually
its just clockwork
meaningless to me
upbeat wigeon
8/4
listened to census designated and oh my goodness
i think its kinda funny that even though i dont interact with this person or the community as a whole in general, saw what i listened to and was like "oh you'd love jane remover"
normally when people reccomend me shit i dont DISLIKE it
i just feel nothing towards it
and i was expecting that too, and admittedly i fucking loved revengeseekerz
but i was like "its one album lemme not say i like them yet"
i understand it now
i have no words
upbeat wigeon
8/5
if i dont get in these classes then im giving up and never trying anything ever again deadass
its as close to death as i can get without making anybody sad
i got basically two weeks
basically one since the advisor can only meet monday next week
if theres nothing then its done and i can finally stop giving a fuck
upbeat wigeon
8/6
i think its funny that i generally spent so much time watching other people to learn how to act decently, and to some degree even was able to understand how i should think about certain things
but one of the few things i could never actually fully assimilate was how you can just live with a loss or failure
and i dont mean that in the usual self loathy way
i mean as in i understood that thats how people acted and saw it
so i tried to emulate that
but then what would happen is like it felt less like like following in footsteps and more like putting a lid over a pot
i 100% understand the perspective of "you should learn from it' and blah blah blah all the extra stuff
and i also know that its probably better than any alternative
but despite understanding that, i still cant force it for some reason which i think is interesting
i feel like ive talked about this before here actually
upbeat wigeon
8/7
I GOT INTO ONE OF THE CLASSES
please god give me the other please
i beg of you
upbeat wigeon
8/10
before i went to sleep yesterday i was on call with some friends
i talk so rarely about what i like that i guess i forget how fun it is
one of my buds wanted to get into fighting games a while back and i encouraged them but they didnt really have the time, and a bunch of other factors along with just the general process of getting into them
and the topic came up again on how to handle it
i think a major thing about it with me was just that when i was getting into it i wasnt coming from the angle of wanting to be "good"
i just watched people play them and watched tournaments and saw people do hype and cool shit and went "I wanna do that"
i think i legitimately had over 100 hours in dbfz before i ever even touched online
cause i was so locked in on doing the cool stuff in training mode before anything
and that carried over to other fgs
but like at a certain point the way you see them changes
cause now its super hard for me to get into new fighting games
before it was "i wanna do the cool thing" but now its "i wanna do the cool thing AND be good"
cause now when i pick up a game im thinking "what do i do in neutral, disadvantage, advantage, what about matchups, how do i use system mechanics" blah blah blah
and that makes it very daunting because in my mind i already went through that slope of "getting good"
and i dont have the patience to do it again
not that i didnt enjoy that process
its weird
i remember reading a conversation that someone had where someone asked a different person "why do you play these games?"
and a part of me thinks the answer is just that i like them
but the "them" i like IS the learning
like that is the core of the genre
but yeah that was a side tangent
he enjoys the theory crafting aspect of the games and you can do that a lot with a game like SG
so we pulled up a list of the cast and wrote off who he wanted to play and didnt
like part of me kinda doesnt like going about it in detail with a beginner because even as someone whos decent at the game, thinking about all the shit you havent learned feels so overwhelming
it shouldnt be clinical it should be from genuine interest
but on that same front i guess he enjoys the clinical aspect
and its ultimately about what you enjoy about the games not how it "should" be
itd be SO cool to actually have someone else who i knew personally who fucked with fighting games like me
obvisouly i know other people but i dont KNOW know them
upbeat wigeon
got the classes lfg
man this lowkey wasnt even my fault why did they only have 2 selections for like 4 months
riding my ass for no reason
upbeat wigeon
8/12
what is this games problem man
ante 22 no reroll voucher
i KNOW the second i sell this luchador the plant it gonna show up i just know it
this is more insulting
upbeat wigeon
best idol run ive had tho
upbeat wigeon
I remember the last time i was in florida we went to the doctor for visit stuff
i think since that was the first time i had been to the doctor as an adult i got to be on my own instead of having my mom in the back with me and the doctor left the room while they gave me the mental health form thing to fill out and that was the first time i had EVER not lied on that thing
well i did
but like not completley
i just wanted to test the waters to see if theyd ask me stuff which they did
and i was like ooh yeah no
i bullshitted through her questions and stuff and she seemed to buy it and was just like "well you should talk with your mother just as a cautionary thing in case it gets worse"
it was really bad cause my voice definitely immediately got warbly when she started talking
and that sucked
but it couldve been a lot worse
i should check my weight i dont think ive checked since then
granted i doubt it changed much maybe if a little lower
10 million day headache ensues
who cast a hex on me
upbeat wigeon
new alphabe: a b c d e h i j l m n o p r u w z
fhic chiz ic co eazee zo oonderczand
babee mode eben
upbeat wigeon
8/13
im so sick of this stupid sentiment about "youre not actually terrible at everything you're just ignoring all the good"
even if i humored it
it genuinely doesnt matter because the bad in its whole is such a gargantuan beast that whatever good there could be cannot possibly ever even hope to outweigh it
it cannot and will not ever matter what you list up
i will never believe this is some perspective thing
im fucking right and anyone else who thinks otherwise is an ignorant dumbass who cant know anything
its not "my way of looking at it" its fucking reality
and even then its not about meeting it all in the middle
i dont want an equal win loss rate
thats not good enought for me and never will be
i want to win in everything uncontested and for my rate to be heavily in my favor without question undeniably
but my record is already tainted because of the thousands and thousands of fuck ups i have already made
In theory i could live flawlessly for years and years and yet it would take double my lifespan to meet the median
id have to be ever further and faster to skew it to something like 80% 20%
cause right now id say its like 20% 80%
I dont care how selfish or childish or pathetic it sounds
i either get what i want or i never bother at all
i dont want to play by any "just go with life at your own pace" or "be happy with the nuetrality" or "not everything needs to be a win"
yeah it doesnt
but i dont care i want it
i dont want to play by some shitty soft gimmick to pass me by
i want to win and i want everyone to grovel at my feet
upbeat wigeon
8/15
not to be dramatic or anything but kinda wanna check out early
might just be because it's late
why am I the way that I am
okay I was being stupid and haha funny before
But like actually this sucks
I think genuinely the last like 7 thoughts I've had that I've stopped and started have looped back to "you should die" consecutively
what is a man to do
die apparently
"oh right new semester is starting, damn I should just die"
"Silksong release getting a little closer; one step closer to death"
"I think I'm still hungry, man I should die"
like can we relax
upbeat wigeon
washed my face
I need to remember to call the financial aid office in case they don't update the page thingy
im probably just gonna drink milk for breakfast and call it a day
cereal gets so old
and I'm not feeling anything else rn
upbeat wigeon
oh wonderous mg dropped
upbeat wigeon
8/16
3rd outta 17 and i did quarter okay i think
lost to the same person twice tho
also forgot to say yesterday but called the office and its all sorted now
just need to actually pay
upbeat wigeon
actually i didnt do "quarter" decent i did p good
upbeat wigeon
cleaned bathroom
gonna change bedsheets and then get mother to pay for college shit
oh yeah
earlier she called me out of my room once i was done with bracket
i just kinda assumed itd be something stressful or shed be on my ass for something again
or both
whatever
but she and my sister rode out and got me a bag of stuff (mostly sweets i like)
and she was like "i felt bad because i feel like ive been on you pretty hard and neglectful"
so that was nice
was cool to talk without feeling like i had to avoid eye contact or shed bring up school
but yeah had gingerbread guys swedish fish reeses etc etc
also we talked about me eventually being 21 and i brought up wanting to try drinking
not in a bad way obviously
but i tried wine that one time and that was pretty good
so id want that again
upbeat wigeon
8/17
college shit expensive so im gonna call tommorow to see if we can take back the subsidized loan that we declined
hopefully we can but if not then uh
idk
lol
in other news im in one of those "fuck im nasty at sg" moods
also ive been playing this new indie platform fighter
called "a few quick matches"
that game is like crack cocaine
just amazing
you know its godlike when on day 2 im already complaining about characters being broken
like i say that half joking but genuinley
its like a hallmark sign of the game being great its so fucking fun
the guy i play is def the worse character in the game tho but im nice like that so i just win anyways
sword movement tech is so genuinely real and its so cool
at first i was like man why does the oncly character with a cool weapon have the worst movement in a sick ass movement based platform fighter
then i saw the holy grail
if this game gets modding support like yomi did
oh my good googly moogly
and theyre adding ninja from yomi as well
so CLEARLY
unrelated but i gotta get back on rain world
i gave it another shot and i actually kinda figured out what to do a little kind of
speaking of another shot
i need to do the other route in oneshot
idk if its a "route"
but the other ending i guess idk
what a good ass game that was
upbeat wigeon
form filled out so hopefully we get the money
upbeat wigeon
8/19
it's so weird seeing good players use shit that i conjured up
upbeat wigeon
8/20
I know saying this is contradictory and seems stupid
But I am lonely, but I don't want anyone to talk to me
or reach out to me
I'm not sure how to word it
some people from here have tired dming me and I just don't know what to say so I just don't respond to them
it just sucks
but it's my fault entirely
I'm sitting here complaining to myself that my friends don't care about what I like or take any interest in it much
One of them has a different friend group for that
like to share his interests with
and the other two are dating so by default they just kinda are more inclined to be partial to each other and care more about what each other do than I do
and like yeah I have the other servers in I'm for SG
But the way I came into the community was so unusual and strange that I don't really have any real place in it
So I don't talk
and what I mean by that is that I didn't start from the ground up
I don't ask people for help, I didn't join any beginner servers
I didn't even know they existed until like 100 hours in
but by that time, I had already made my own foundation, and I already suck at reaching out to ask questions, let alone having them to begin with
so I just shut my mouth
the only reason I'm known at all is because one guy saw me in a bracket once and invited me to his crew sever and I accepted on a whim
and since I was loosely involved with him people just ended up knowing who I was
but I don't talk
No one knows anything about me
hell I don't know anything about me
its just idk
I hate myself
and I wish I did normal things
Not "could" do normal things, just did
because it is ultimately my fault
I should've put my foot in the door when I had the chance
and now I'm just stuck looking in from the outside
just like this server and every other one I've ever joined
if you see this don't bother dming me because I probably won't respond because I won't know how to and even if I do come up with something it won't last long
I'm not person with very much depth
so there isn't much to wring out of me
I don't really know how to be human
upbeat wigeon
I want someone to care but I don't because even if they did it wouldn't fix anything
I'm fucking better than all of you
fuck every last one of you
the only person's whos world matters is mine
if nothing I say matters then nothing you all say does either
im the only thing that matters
upbeat wigeon
silksong will be real in 12 hours
I don't know if I'll be able to sleep
no no
patience
silksong isn't real until it's in my PC and playable
upbeat wigeon
8/21
September 4th
release.
solace.
2 weeks
my 6 year stasis is ending
I don't even know what to say
I just can't believe it man
upbeat wigeon
look what my friends sent me it's so fucking awesome
she painted this btw
It was supposed to be for my b day and came late but who cares!!!!
I need frames so bad
upbeat wigeon
8/22
how tf do people sit there and actually read whole ass books
or do any readings at all
like there's so much shit and so many pages that all I can think about it how much I HAVE to get through and pay attention to and remember and read
so it just makes me not even care and just toss the thing out
same for school readings
In all my tenure I can't recall a single time where I actually tried to pay attention to a reading or textbook or .a book we were assigned
I normally just look up a summary and bullshit the rest
and that normally got me by
but then there were people who actually sat there and read through it all
its just like how do you not get bored
I get so bored that I find myself staring off the side for like 10 minutes thinking about random shit and realize I'm like 3 pages behind
reading books sounds like a cool hobby but I could never for the life of me
i can't even remember characters name half the time
and it always feels like details just come out of nowhere
so then I'm like "when tf was this a thing who is this guy????" And I can't tell if it's an introduction or if they've been around
I remember for a while when I was in high school it was always this friend of "okay we gotta try harder let's do this" but like come 11th grade I was just like "I don't care anymore I'm just gonna bullshit it all and not even try there's no point"
anyways only brought it up cause I'm trying to do readings for biology and every time I start I'm like this makes me wanna blow my shit smooth off my head
there's no way anyone is actually reading all of this
and I don't care about the whole "just break it off into smaller pieces to understand ☺️"
that's so horseshit
cause regardless of how you break it it's all still a lot
my brain can't just ignore how much there is in actuality
so maybe simply don't assign me 15 fuckin pages
I firmly believe it isn't an issue of mine it's the fact they overload you
and it's not just that one course!
EVERY ONE
so how can you expect me to do this thing that's already hard enough with like 4 pages several times over
like is the answer not to cheat???? I don't understand
upbeat wigeon
8/23
forgot to mention it but payments made
now I just need to not fuck up again
and pass the classes
I really do need to figure something out with this and how to deal with them
I've always felt like this just something you need to power through but that doesn't really seem to work for me
I'm not sure how to word it
but like I need to figure out what I'm doing wrong or why I can't do whatever it is
people say that you can train yourself to do good habits and to be better and grow and blah blah blah
I personally don't believe that, but most people do for some reason and I'm not sure why
its pretty clear that some people are born with inclinations to things and simply are destined to be bad at other things imo
maybe I haven't tried hard enough, but idk
I probably havent
mostly because it's hard for me to try in the first place
but isn't that enough of an indicator itself???
that I can't try?
point is that I need something
I'm not sure what at all
what's my main issue
Lemme think
I think just procrastination and lack of attention mostly
cause both of those things lead me to cheating on most of everything and then it feels like I'm barely stringing through the course the whole way through
like I'm bullshitting the whole time and barely making it through
so I need to find some way to do the assignments legitimately and to actually somehow take in and remember everything
I could note take but it'd just end up being more reading
since I'd have to copy form the book and then at that point I might as well just read the text book
my head hurts just thinking about this
see this is my exact issue
my mom or my sister wouldn't have their first instinct be "fuck it I'm going to sleep I don't want to do this, out of sight out of mind"
but that's all I ever wanna do in these situations
how do I stop that
I just don't want to do it
I remember thinking in high school that I'd "grow out of being lazy" because I was only lazy because there weren't any "real stakes" in high school, but then once money was on the line I'd lock in
and that has not happened yet
I'm still lazy and everything from before
I guess in hindsight just expecting me to change was a bit much
I wanna go to sleep but I feel like I need to do at least something
but I don't even know what to say
how am I meant to know what to do
this would be so much easier if I wasn't stupid and could just do the things the normal way
its literally not even hard
I really can't tell if I'm just stupid or not
upbeat wigeon
its do or die
upbeat wigeon
finished my school shit
Well for now
I got stuff due tommorow
but I did most of everything
I thought today would be easy but I checked my email (which I never do so you know I'm taking this seriously)
and my professor emailed me and was like "hey you did the intro quiz and the attendance thing but you didn't do the unit 1 quiz or discussion, you alright???"
and my dumbass mixed up two classes
I thought that stuff was due tommorow
so then I freaked out and was like I don't deserve to live but then I read the rest of the email and said it's still open and I can do it in case I just forgot
so then I replied and told him and then he said it was all good
lucky as shit
Didn't really deserve to get a makeover on the first fucking step but whatever
just so so so so stupid
I was just talking about this shit and then it happens immediately
upbeat wigeon
8/25
finished bio lab shit and quizzes
90 on the quiz but I have another attempt allowed
but I think it's one of those ones where it changes the question from a different pool in your second try, so I'm not redoing just to get 10 extra points
but yeah I'm generally good on assignments until the 31st
I think
I'll check tommorow
All I know is that I'm clear for today
upbeat wigeon
8/26
Sometimes it's annoying how effortlessly I lie
sometimes I'll lie on impulse before I even get a chance to consider telling the truth or not
so I'll be like in my head "oops, that's not true but I already said it so definitively and confidently that doubling would be an obvious sign"
so then away it goes
upbeat wigeon
8/27
I need somewhere to say it because holy shit this song man
I can't put it down
upbeat wigeon
XAKLS7Z8
upbeat wigeon
8/31
comm video, labs 1 and 2 and quiz, and bio shit
did the math thing
nvm no bio shit
im stupid
for related reason but not that
well that too
whatever
upbeat wigeon
i woke up in a new bugatti
upbeat wigeon
im actually so unbelievably up
the combo route i made got noticed by some top umbrella players and put into discussion and used by some people and people are noting how fucking broken it is
so much so that it got put on the WIKI FOR THE CHARACTER
mama i made it
just sensational
also "succulent satiated to overstuffed" is so funny man
i forget thats my whole tag sometimes
upbeat wigeon
8/31
comm video, labs 1 and 2 and quiz, and bio shit
finished
hopefully the video wasnt dog ass poo poo
upbeat wigeon
silksong will be real in 3 days
upbeat wigeon
9/2
2 days.
upbeat wigeon
i know what to look for next
i wondered to myself "what could possibly fill the void of silksong not being at directs, or showcases"
"what is there to wait for"
i thought deltarune but no
we have a year for chapter 5
the truth is nothing can match the wait in silence and lack information that was silksong
other than silksong itself
the new peak is the DLC
that is what i wait for now
AGAIN i say
MORE WAITING
I CANT GET ENOUGH OF IT
upbeat wigeon
9/4
ITS SHOWTIIIIIIIIIIIME
upbeat wigeon
🥹
upbeat wigeon
9/5
initial thoughts
Its amazing but I already knew it would be
I think the only thing that I can say is that there are so many cool options for playstyle and builds and blah blah blah but you get like no slots
so there's just a bunch of cool shit I wanna use but I can't because then I'd have to take off other cool stuff
and like you could mitigate that by just swapping but you can only swap at benches and it gets tiring to run all the way to one just to change out one or two things
hornet it sick as fuck to pilot
Now granted I suck ass at it but that's besides the point
She so fast that it kinda hinders me sometimes
I think it's just a matter of not being used to her yet
the lack of a traditional pogo is very interesting but it feels so weird
I don't wanna say it feels bad, but like it kinda feels bad
It feels like they want you to move around your opponents a lot and there are places where that shines through really well
But like most of the time arenas have grounded enemies and flying enemies
so you hit the first ground guy and get off the ground to maneuver around him and then you ram into the flying guy
and then there are the small platforms or tight spaces etc
but nothing impossible
so far I'd give it like a 9 out of 10, def better than Hollow Knights start for sure and it's like not even remotely close in the slightest
I WILL SAY
I honestly didn't realize how much I'd miss the "aimlessness" of the first game
like idk dropping down into hallownest and having nothing to explain anything and just going around and charting your map until you find something was great
Now it's like "oh okay, I have a central objective I'll do everything around it first"
like I get I'm still making the choice of how I'm coming at the game but
well actually it makes sense
I think for the nature of hks story it needed to be the way it was
I think the same for this
plus it'd be lame to do the same thing again
upbeat wigeon
why do i feel so terrible rn
i kinda thought id be impregnable for a while since silksong came out and i could just strongarm everything like "yeah im sad but silksong came out so who's really the winner"
i think too much
thats like the cause of all my issues im afraid
upbeat wigeon
9/8
not gonna give spoilers but yesterday fought my favorite boss so far
genuinley amazing
i wanna sit down at some point and write down all my thoights about the game but i wanted to do that once i was finished with my initial playthrough
but i might just yap about it later today if im honest
actually imma do it now since its in my head
cause i literally dreamt about silksong yesterday
but anyways
so basically its the best thing ive ever played (go figure hk is my favorite game of all time)
ill get my complaints out of the way early
i said it before but the tool system is so interesting and very very VERY fun
but it really sucks ass how little youre allowed to equip
i understand itd be very broken if you could, but still itd be so fun and it makes me sad i cant equip every single cool thing i see
i dont really have a "build" per se, my loadout is just kind of a balanced one (lame)
im getting sidetracked
anyways thats complaint one, I want more slots
complaint 2 is that TOO MANY THINGS DO DOUBLE DAMAGE
itd be one thing if it was just enemies but the HAZARDS too
i think savage beastfly (the time when you encounter it) is one of the worst moments in this game bar none
every attack does double damage, you only have 5 masks (so effectivley 3hp), and it summons tanky enemies that also do double damage
and i dont wanna hear any skill issue bs because i beat that version AND the harder remath version
its just not a well made boss at all and is the perfect example of why not everything should have double damage
last complaint is literally just bilewater
that area is so so so horrible
like failure of game design level of horrid
why is it a long ass area with double damage hazards, the bile (which makes it so you CANT HEAL until you bind and makes you use a whole 2 spools of silk), enemies that pop out underneath you, NO benches, and an annoying asf boss
anyways onto the good
the map aside from bilewater (and sinners road) is genuinley perfection
second, it took me a while, but im understanding hornet better and how to play her, shes very very fun
the dive at first got on my nerves but I like it now
the little changes you can come across in the world are very charming
like certain npcs making their ways up with you or seeing them doing different things etc etc
makes the game feel very alive
from what i gather the story is cool, though im not the smartest and Its hard for me to remember shit
and by story i dont just mean the base plot
cause theres def some more shit i havent really understood and probably wont since stupid
thats all i have for now if i think of more later ill speak
upbeat wigeon
i get this is totally different from before but its on my mind so ill say it
i realize typing this out makes it sounds really bad actually
so maybe not
upbeat wigeon
9/11
beat silksong but for real
100% completion on the first save file and true end
honestly i was gonna sit down at some point and do a while thing and write everything i wanted to say about my experience
hk is a very special thing to me and always will be
but while i was playing and moreso when i finally got back to the main menu after the last boss
i kinda realized that the words just would not come to me
yes, in a speechless way
but also like no words i know, or that even exist could really put together how i feel
yes objectivley its an amazing game, new top 1 for sure
and whats weird is that there wasnt anything like Omori where the story literally made me cry
or like how undertale changed how i viewed games as a whole
for this game (ig series now) there just isnt
it isnt one central theme or idea
and thats why any words id put anywhere would feel unclean and dissatisfactory to me
when i got to the credits after the last cutscene i just cried, and i dont even know why
cause normally its something that happens that hits me
but i just dont know
you know, its weird too cause this didnt happen with totk
and granted, its not like i moved on like nothing happened with totk
but i didnt fucking CRY for no reason
im sitting here thinking why i even feel the way i do
and i couldnt even tell you
and i think thats absurd
you know what, imma take my own advice
i said words wont do it
so i wont do words
upbeat wigeon
Essays are either pathetically easy or really annoying and it's funny that there's rarely any in-between
this is one instance of easy thankfully
Though this professor is lowkey a bitch and grades weirdly
tell me how tf I get a 78.87 on an assignment
like bro what are we doing
upbeat wigeon
9/12
some people deserve it
upbeat wigeon
that fucking bear that i hate man
upbeat wigeon
9/13
im a real worthless peice of shit
its funny cause if someone else were in this situation and explained this all to me id be like "yeah thats what you get dumbass"
by this point just whatever
not like i can just poof so
really dont get why i keep scrambling all the time like i have a chance and that i could do it all if i just bullshitted hard enough
i really should take my own and advice and just give up
but if i did that i might as well die
and since im not allowed to die, i cant
well less not allowed
more like idk
itd just fuck with stuff
i guess more akin to being held captive by my own morality
if i was an asshole
or i guess more of one
id have no issues probably
i guess in that kinda way though it makes me even more of an asshole
upbeat wigeon
i dont understand help hotlines or whatever
bro what are you supposed to do, call and be like "yeah so like i feel really worthless"
and then like that in of itself is ass
but then you conceptualize them actually asking you about it and questions and stuff
and like it feels almost humiliating
or like degrading
you're genuinley telling me i call this number and then just spill shit that i haven ever told a single person and have sworn to keep them to myself?????
and you just cough it up????
genuinley stupid i dont think i could ever
same with therapy
or at least in concept
im not sure how therapy works
but like just the idea of needing to go to therapy is so fucking disgusting to me
like rolling around in filth debasing yourself just to survive disgusting
upbeat wigeon
9/14
the fuckin uhhh
upbeat wigeon
9/15
I wish there was something I could do
I've been so unmotivated to do literally anything for so long and normally that's okay
I just figure, hey
school is all about doing shit you don't want to
life revolves around doing shit you don't want to
and idk you just suck it up
but it's getting to a point where my lack of want to do anything is starting to effect my school work
like it's so hard to be bothered anymore
that's a lie, it's been like this for a while
its just settling in how bad it's really gotten
I feel fucked
and like no matter what I do or how I pretend in my head that it'll just work out it wont
I always seem to have this mentality of "eh, it could happen, but it'd NEVER happen to me"
and usually?
I'm right
but I'm realizing now that this is getting really hard to justify
I'm wasting money
and truth be told as much as I don't want to admit it
I feel like I haven't learned anything in college
maybe because it's online, sure
but I have felt so utterly and completely drained for so long
And I know it's not fair to my mom
cause she does way more than me
but christ she's just better than me
she can handle more and do more because she's a genuinely strong person and I have never been
so I crumble at stuff like this
and I know it's my responsibility to not do that as an adult
its just stupid man
I feel so stupid all the fucking time man
I have done nothing with the life that has been given to me and I don't understand why
I can see it and acknowledge it
so why don't I just do something
I just don't understand
I can't believe people believe in me
sometimes I wonder if it's out of obligation
or simply because they can
I can't tell whats an excuse anymore and what isnt
upbeat wigeon
i think i will start my steel soul attempts tonight
upbeat wigeon
9/20
when will i just fucking keel over and die already man
deltarune cannot take any longer
cant fucking wait
my life genuinely has no point and i cant wait until nothing is left to tie me down to this miserable grey sludge that is being alive
upbeat wigeon
you can wear towels on your head and put headphones over them so the headphones dont get wet
this is fucking crazy
wait like after you wash your hair i mean
upbeat wigeon
9/26
they tried to hack my steam but my moves are too quick and sublime
anything to stop my steel soul run cause they know they wouldnt have able to otherwise
im too nasty
upbeat wigeon
9/28
this shit aint nothing to me baby
also did my final project for human communication yeah yeah whatever
CLEARLY this is more important
had 4 masks left on lost lace and felt like my fucking chest was gonna explode
upbeat wigeon
9/29
my head hurts so baddddd
upbeat wigeon
9/30
programming problem solving midterm done
not as bad as i thought itd be, but i guess it depends on the grading
cause if its like it has to be EXACT exact then i probably fucked up somewhere
that second problem was fucked
upbeat wigeon
crazy how breaks make me play so much monumentally better
double is still stupid though
upbeat wigeon
10/1
kill all college professors PLEASE
the streets are saying they are ALL ready
EVERY last one
upbeat wigeon
it brings me great joy to know that one day this person will die and that since they are older they will die faster
new reason to stay alive just unlocked I'm keeping tabs on this guy forever until he dies
please god
upbeat wigeon
please god
10/2
save me im so turnt right now
upbeat wigeon
10/3
Idk if this means anything, but like for the last month I keep waking up way earlier than I want to kicking and flailing in my bed cause I feel like bugs are crawling on me
this has happened since forever but it's normally not this consistent
like I think it's been every single day the past 2 weeks
and I'm not the type to just go back to sleep
so I just have to get up and go with it
its specifically cockroaches and spiders
and centipedes
upbeat wigeon
10/4
i dont know how to phrase it any better but i feel that i am not made for the world
as in there is something fundamentally with me that makes me unfit or like im supposed to exist somwhere else but ended up here
i dont have any real impact on anything say for a few people who value me more than they realistically should
and its not so much a "the way i operate doesnt fit"
its more i never had an operating system to begin with
wether that is something you make or are given or are born with, ive never known
i just kinda exist in this amorphous inbetween space of kinda almost non existence but not quite existence either despite having a physical body and mind to think
or like a little cryo pod where the rest of the world is going on, and I know that, but im just stuck
and its not like the world left me out of malice or hate i think
even though it feels that way sometimes
but its because i havent chosen to leave
i understand on the technical level im allowed to leave
i can physically leave but how am i supposed to do that and live on in satisfaction knowing that im already so behind
and then on top of that its like trying anything feels like it takes so so so much from me
and when i fail and fail and end in the same spot as i started over and over and over and over and over and over and over again its like why
i know that hearing things like "its never too late" or "you can still build" are supposed to give me hope but all i feel when I think those things are pure dread
it takes so much mental gymnastics to even consider doing something, small or otherwise even if it isnt phsyical
but those things are so small that I cant even feel them
but again theyre so much effort to do, and so much commitment i need to sustain to ever hope of coming out that it makes me never want to try to begin with
i know the bullshit about "well saying all this is a sign of something to come" but ive been saying shit for years
ive been thinking shit for years
ive been knowing and aware of me thinking and feeling and saying shit for years
staying still and doing small things are functionally the exact same to me, one just hurts more in the short term
sitting and breathing and all that nonsense but ive been doing these things forever
so does it not just prove my point?
they dont lead anywhere
upbeat wigeon
10/5
Id break my legs if I could
upbeat wigeon
10/6
normally late I night I remember things I don't like but tonight I remembered something I liked
I'm kinda tired though so maybe I'll type it out in the morning
but that was nice for once
and it wasn't even a "man I miss those times" kinda memory
I mean like technically I do
But not in like a wah I'm so sad kinda way
its just nice
upbeat wigeon
10/7
It amazes me that some people are just allowed to choose
like in general
and especially younger people
a few weeks ago I mentioned off hand to my mom that I didn't feel like I was learning anything in college and blah blah blah
Basically didn't choose college for myself I chose it cause it's what she wanted
its so annoying how she says things that stick with me since childhood and forgets
"as my children, you guys are extensions of me"
and then you essentially from childhood make it so I have no agency or ability to choose or think
and then come at me when I feel indifferent towards everything
when you're never given the dignity of being able to choose and instead lead around like a thoughtless dog your whole life, opinion and thought and choice just dies
and I don't understand why that's so hard to grasp
Of course I don't fucking care about anything
I wasn't raised that way
life is a 9/5 and I have to do my part, nothing more nothing less
you don't "enjoy" living
a part of me feel bad because I know she cares
but at the same time I just dont
I just hate it because it was never so overt as to be in my face but more an unspoken understanding
that I had no say in anything and my thoughts were worthless
and what was worse was that sometimes I was wrong
I didn't know whether or not she would be blow up at me and tell me off or if it would be no issue no problem and she wouldn't give a fuck
so it was better to just never want, never care and listen than to risk any bullshit
its not like I had much other than games and when she took those away I was basically a husk with nothing else in his life
not much change on that front I guess
I don't know what to think of any of it
I can think of only two distinct times I have had any sort of agency of my own and both times were when my mother wasnt present
fuck this stupid bullshit nothing I say could actually get this all across
its so tiring and I'm so sick of being the pitiful pity-able dumbass lazy loser I am and I'm even more sick of never being able to do what I need to change that
I want to be real
I feel like I've heard both sides of the spectrum of "being a kid is awesome and being an adult sucks" and "being a kid sucks and being an adult is awesome"
but have they ever considered that both suck ass? things to consider
upbeat wigeon
10/8
Brushed my teeth and ate after I woke up for once
upbeat wigeon
oh my good god man
i listened to it before but ig i just forgot how fucking good it is
upbeat wigeon
10/11
man
god dammit why was i such a STUPID CHILD
i thought people joked about this stuff but i deadass just had a "oh my god i think she lied me back" moment several years later
what the FUCK was my issue bruh
no you know what thats stupid
cause how was i to know that someone repeatedly asking for your insta meant anything
the fuck
I DIDNT EVEN USE IT BACK THEN
I STILL DOn
T
upbeat wigeon
didnt mention it before, but leaving tommorow to go on a trip organized by my friends
kinda dreading doing something every single day, but at the same time idk
i guess its like 70% dread and 30% looking forward to it
but that 30% is potent
plus i know i should go and id hate myself more if i didnt than if i did
ill just try and enjoy it i guess
i just feel like itll be tiring going from isolation to like 7 people constantly around me for like a week doing a buncha shit
im thankful they included me at all but idk
i guess it kinda feels like sometimes itd be better off if i was just excluded
like not just for me but for them as well
like i should not be of that much importance to want to bring along for this
im supposed to be an additive in my eyes
upbeat wigeon
10/12
I leaving
I think I'll try to do my best to remember to take pictures and write here day by day of what I/we do
if anything, it'll give me something to have that is real and logged
actually not sure if that'd be a negative or a positive
upbeat wigeon
10/13
got back about an hour ago
was a lotta fun, watched the performance thingy and then we left as a group to head to some Korean place for food
I think I did good talking and being normal as well
They were serving free food and stuff at the place, but I didn't want to go through with eating it
or like
idk I just didn't wanna
but regardless
p happy with today overall I think
honestly the most stressful part of it was eating
I feel so pressured I guess or idk
I already don't like eating most of the time and I guess especially with other people
cause I'm so used to people commenting on what I'm eating or how much etc etc
Obviously they're my friends so they're not gonna do that, but still hard to not feel like I needa brace myself
upbeat wigeon
you know it's weird
I still really hate myself but also see myself exist and be
I really don't know how I'm supposed to feel because I feel like I should feel good, and I do, but like I dont
whatever
I wanna watch more breaking bad tomorrow
we only watched a single episode before one of us fell asleep lol
and I'm kinda hooked I can't lie I really wanna see more
upbeat wigeon
I love Pikmin 3
upbeat wigeon
10/15
for most of this it's just been us 3 at the apartment but today the 4th one of us in the group came over
we went to the zoo, then came back and chilled for most of the day, it was really nice
played cup head, Mario kart, snipperclips all the old shit on my switch I've had since like 7+ years ago
which is weird actually
why was pikmin 3 in 2013
is that not fucking insane
anyways
I feel better since last time
not sure why, I guess I just was in a bad mood
when the 4th one of us had to go, we decided to just go out into the night and walk him halfway, talking and chilling and shit
and Idk
i don't really have words for it
it was just nice
and I felt so good
I think it was more just I forgot that I can feel good
cause I haven't in so so long
it does kinda suck it'll have to go back to how it was soon
but that's the nature of it
its so weird how they function
if I was back home the logic is "well it's nighttime, why would you go out, you could get hurt or jumped or kidnapped or robbed or lost or anything"
but here they just do it
like yeah I guess we CAN just leave
ideas like that just don't cross my mind
why would we be able to leave
I know it doesn't make sense but I don't know
later is karaoke
they said I don't have to sign if I don't want to and so I wont
I think I'd enjoy myself more just listening to the music anyways, since I struggle to find the will to go out of my zone anyways
I also didn't really contribute to the song playlist
mainly cause I don't listen to singable songs
its mostly actual instrumentation I like and the songs that do have vocals I like are way less common than the ones without
so I opted not to
upbeat wigeon
10/16
late entry I know
we woke up early to meet an old friend at a place and ate some good food for breakfast
I hate fried rice and then took the box back
then we left around 6 for the arcade and karaoke
and my god that arcade was actually so stacked and nutty
so much good shit there
AND
THEY HAD MVC 2 AND SF3
I actually jumped for joy unironically and involuntarily
but yeah it was a ton of fun
I also broke the punch machine where you test your punch like 4 times back to back
but as for karaoke
it was better than I thought it'd be
upbeat wigeon
I really do hope I remember this
upbeat wigeon
10/19
feelin good
at some point, i wanna try talking more in the servers im in
i already have a real big issue with keeping up with people and staying in touch
ive always had it
i guess i just naturally kinda retreat into nothing
even if its not a concious choice
upbeat wigeon
I should stop doing this
I try and make a point to mark when I feel ok or good but what does it get me in the end if I just end up feeling like this again
2 days back and its already like I never left
trying or hoping or thinking is always just so fucking hopeless man
and for some reason I don't allow myself to stop torturing myself and let go
because I'm a stubborn spiteful bitch I guess
no matter what I fucking do I belong to this room
why would I want draw or record or edit or watch or laugh or clean or do anything at all when its either impossible to start, or it doesnt change anything
why did I have to fucking pick 25
why does deltarune have to take 90 fucking years to come out
I just want to put in my two weeks and be done with this unenjoyable slog
whatever
"your life is your own and you are the one who has to live it you do have to wake up one day and decide that you are going to take back ownership" fucking kill yourself man
upbeat wigeon
10/20
I found it again
I didn't even know we had two but I guess we do
explains the clip
I wanna test and see if she'll move them again now
cause then she'd def know I found it the first time
it feels strange knowing theoretically there's nothing to stop me be it intentional or accidental
or even if it hit the wall or something
dunno how id explain that
it feels relieving though
knowing where
knowing i could change my state and have total power over it is something
I think part of the reason it's so hard to look away from a car crash or a train wreck isn't just because it's bad or grotesque or upsetting or scary, but because it's so different it's captivating
upbeat wigeon
10/21
I sure do love having 3 consecutive nightmares wake me up back to back
clearly I'm not meant to sleep
upbeat wigeon
10/22
I love Balatro 
upbeat wigeon
im right there
this is the next logical step please please please follow through
please
I'm begging you
i cant do it
i dont know why
upbeat wigeon
10/23
yesterday was terrible
