#Kamila's Room

454 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

lost wraith
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Kamila's Room

lost wraith
lost wraith
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i have new online fwiends :3

lost wraith
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i should be dead

flat streamBOT
lost wraith
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also, sorry to the ppl ive hurt here

lost wraith
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eww i will be cringed out looking at myself back then

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the only reason i come back here cuz i miss my old friends, they are all gone now, things just become irrelevant

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my english is getting worse idc

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i miss gabriel, scott and everyone who've ever helped me going through things

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i know they wont feel the same way but i wish i could just hear from them and knowing that they're doing okay or even better

lost wraith
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things have changed a lot, i even get into a relationship but those thoughts still remain

lost wraith
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thank you mati ❤️

lost wraith
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:c

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again..

lost wraith
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:DD i love my boyfriend sm, im really scared if he's gone someday 😔 he's so precious ❤️ i hope we can make it

lost wraith
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i really should help myself, it happens again..i cant keep relying on his help :<

lost wraith
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and yea, today i heard him basically said he will leave me when it's the time to go

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ive never plan on leaving him..😔
why so..

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if my parents are gone, he's gone, that's where im gonna end it

lost wraith
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why am i even sad, ive always said to myself back then that there's no 'the one' for me. I'm all alone and will always be

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i always depend on people, that's probably why most of them dump me or leave me.. they're not scared of losing me, i don't mean anything to their life

sharp rose
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Your planning to kys?

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Sorry ima bit slow cl

lost wraith
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tho..he said he's not sure..but it's okay,

lost wraith
sharp rose
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And same them feelings come and gi for me iswell it's awfull but I does get better(well not for me) but deffo u !

lost wraith
sharp rose
nova dagger
nova dagger
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Something i tell people is:

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Luck follows a path, and you have to pave that path Joy

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I think that goes for lots of things

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Happiness, Joy, Friends, so on and so forth

lost wraith
lost wraith
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gosh it hurts 😞

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it hurts...

lost wraith
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it hurts as hell but i kept telling him im ok, idk when will he actually leave

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i kinda lost my hope, it feels like he's leaving already

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i love him sm

nova dagger
lost wraith
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im kinda rethinking our relationship again

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yeah he's right ive been trying to control him too much

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i need excessive attention from him so i can feel loved

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maybe it's obsession

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i apologize to him

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all i want and my goal since the beginning is to love him genuinely

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not like this

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but im driven by my insecurities

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im sorry baby

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i'll still love you tho

lost wraith
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got a bad life, bad family, mental health fked up

nova dagger
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I may not know much about you but I can still at least listen if you want me to ❤️/p

lost wraith
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thank youu @nova dagger

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i wish my english was more fluent :v

lost wraith
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im really suicidal

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he just broke up with me

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i dont want it

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i really dont want it 😞

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i still cant believe it

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i really really dont want it

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i really love him

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but why do it goes like this

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why am i like this

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the whole conversation when he's breaking up with me i was crying

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i really cant say anything

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why do it has to be like this

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mbak @haughty schooner 🥺 it fails

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i havent changed since a year ago

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idk where to go 😞 i dont knowww

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i really love his everything

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fk

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can anyone talk rn

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but at the same time i cant talk to anyone

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i dont think anyone could ever be better than him 😞

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i just want him, whyy

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why do am i like this 😞

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i want to change too, it's not just draining him

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im drained asf

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my thoughts are killing me and killing everything that could be better tbh

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whyyy

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i dont want this too, sayang

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im scared mom hear me crying

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@haughty schooner mbak gin can i talk to you 🥺

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@little marten sorry for mentioning 😞

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but only gin knows the story

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i really don't have the energy to talk about the whole story 😞

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@nova dagger hi 😞

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i dont think i could go into relationship anymore

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i like him sm 😞

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i dont want anyone

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really

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but he's drained too

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im too draining

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fkkkk

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i only talk to him about all of my problems

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now the problem is about me and him and now he's leaving me

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idk anymore where to go

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literally this online journal thingy is my last option

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he's really tired too 😞

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im sorry im really

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if i love him it shouldn't be like this

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he should feel happier

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but whyy

nova dagger
lost wraith
lost wraith
nova dagger
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I would usually ask something like “how are you” but I can tell you aren’t doing great

Instead I’ll ask, what’s wrong?

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Aside from the stuff that you have said already

lost wraith
nova dagger
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No problem 😌

lost wraith
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i just break up with my bf and he means a lot to me

nova dagger
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Oh

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I’m sorry 😞

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I can’t give a lot of advice on relationships at all. I’m far too young

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I can listen though

lost wraith
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but yeah my mind is so overwhelmed rn

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i really dont want to break up with him

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but he insist 😞

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he's like the only person i can be myself with, i never go this far with anyone

nova dagger
lost wraith
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i feel the happiest when i was with him, it gets addicting and i drain him

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when someone likes me i get drained, when i like someone they will get drained

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i couldn't find the balance

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i feel bad for him tooo

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but i really dont want him to leave

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im trying to change but he doesn't give me any chance anymore

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i couldn't stop crying 😞

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i dont have anyone, i only connect with him

nova dagger
# lost wraith i really dont want to break up with him

I’m not quite sure what to say…

But I think that you deserve someone who wants you as much as you want them.

And to what you just said… I think you will find someone who will not be drained and will not drain you.
I feel that everyone will. Even if it takes a long while.
I think all they need to do is believe they will

lost wraith
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sorry i cant reply much rn

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i cant think straight

nova dagger
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Don’t apologize 😌

lost wraith
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he makes me feel happy a lot

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but i dont think ive ever done the same

lost wraith
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how to stop crying im tired really tired 😞

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im trying hard to not think about it but it just doesn't work

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my head anc eyes really hurts

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how to make me instantly feel better in a day

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i have to meet a lot of ppl tomorrow, i cant with my current condition

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i barely function

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i dont even get hungry

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uh that feeling again when the pain on my chest beats the pain on my stomach

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why do i always get back in this position 😞

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what's the point of living when i cant even move forward

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i want to stop feeling

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i keep trying to put myself to sleep cuz i cant feel anything when im asleep

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and it's the best feeling ever

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im really planning on not talking to him, i get what he feels, he's drained af and i hope that my absence will help

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i want him to be happy too 😞

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im drained by myself and he's drained of me

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what's actually wrong with me

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my head hurts really bad

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tho i talked one of a person i trust in a server, bang leon 😞 he listen to me im really grateful for people like him

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it's only temporary but i appreciate their help really 🩷😞

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i cant fkng help myself 😞

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i abandon myself too much

lost wraith
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i feel so low

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been crying too much, even before breakup

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family issues, academic issues, friends, i barely talk to people other than him and now i got a break up

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it's too much 😞

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ccrying too much feels like skin around my eyes are burning

lost wraith
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it hurts really bad 😞

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i often have suicidal thoughts but i just never talked about it when i need to vent to a person

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cuz i feel like they gonna think im seeking attention if i don't actually do it

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not talking to him suffocates me and he knows

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i know he cares but he couldnt do anything cuz he's drained too

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but it hurts me too 😞

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and i cant do anything about it cuz im not good at talking and making him feel happy while talking to me

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i dont really have anyone to talk to about this

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when she got breakup with her bf, he helps her

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and i got none

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it hurts af

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why dont i just die please

lost wraith
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when i heard him say it's his fault to ask me out, it really hurts ngl

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im so hesitant to accept him cuz i know im gonna be like this if i like him too much

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and i dont want to loose him, im not the type who can still be friends after break up

im not that strong

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so why not just be friends and i could still love him even if he doesnt reciprocate that, im used to it

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but he said something like, i will lost him too if i reject him, it hurts him

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and ive already had a big crush on him at that time, im gonna hurt too if we dont talk anymore

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😞 why...

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i dont want to loose him

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this sounds really toxic but i think it would be better if he was just my crush :c

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so i could love him from far away and me not being his gf will put a wall that blocks me from asking him this and that, being jealous, wanting his attention

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cuz who is he? just a crush not a bf 😞 tho that hurts me

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i dont know..:c

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im still hoping for him to come back but im pessimistic

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im still really love him :<

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i remember when he said no one wants him, like be real, stfu there are reasons why i could be this obsessed :c

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and i know a lot of people will obsess over him too, and how if he find a better girl, i dont want that :c

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idk i just want to sleep again and again, i dont want to feel the pain

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and going to discord hurts me because of course i will check on him

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i wish i could be this vocal when i talk to him 😞

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im scared that im going to cry if i get this emotional in front of him

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im that sensitive actually..but y know ppl dont like that, so i dont want to be like that

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the things people said, i think about it..

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no one should see me crying ;c and i was really happy when my parents finally could afford a room for me, so i could cry without no one knowing

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he thinks i need it to be high maintenance but all i need was just small reassurance 😞

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a simple 'good night' 'hope you have a nice day' would make me feel really happy and made my day

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a funny memes or reels too, i appreciate that but he barely do that anymore lately..

lost wraith
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it still hurts 😞

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i can cry all i want now, my parents are not home

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"other man's trash, another man's treasure" he said

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guess what, im always trash

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kamila is a garbage ;c

lost wraith
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i talked to pink girl about it,i like her, she's so nicee 😔 ive never meant to hate her in anyway.. it's just me that is jealous seeing my ex bf so excited when talking to her

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i miss him 😞 im still hoping that we could come back together..

even if the chances are small 😞 he seemed so done with me..

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ive always been dreaming of holding his hand and going out with him someday

but yea..guess that's only a dream after all

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when will this ends 😞 it's painful, i need to focus on my uni but my chest is heavy..

lost wraith
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he texted me again but i don't understand what he actually meant

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like...does he comeback and just want to be friends?

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or that wasn't a break up?

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but he said he's still here and asked for some space

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so..okay, i will just give him what he wants now..

lost wraith
lost wraith
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it's raining and cold 😞 i miss him, wanna cuddle

lost wraith
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i think he just said that he's still here and it means nothing?

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pink gurl said that too

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i dont get it 😞

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i really need clarity 😞

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cuz if we finally done with each other, im gonna off discord from now...

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but i dont think i shouldnt send him another text..

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i dont want to think about it 😞

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i really want clarity..but i want to respect his boundaries too

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i need some rest from this app too 😞 for my own sanity

lost wraith
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i feel so low..my parents make it even worse

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they dont even know what im going through but they wont stop acting like that

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they dont even notice that i havent eat at all for straight 2 days yesterday

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im so tired of this, really

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and now i have to deal with academic pressure..

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i cant fully open up to anyone, even tho some people think i vent a lot to them

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i feel so alone 😞

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it hurts

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i run towards my man usually when this happened back then when we're still together, he's my safe space but recently before break up..im scared he will think im just seeking for his attention

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and i dont want drain him too by listening to me venting

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and the next other days, he seemed like he is not available to listen to it anymore..so i just bury those problems..

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im still waiting for him..but it hurts too for me, guess imma just take some rest from discord 🥺 tired..

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and by that i try to change my perspective hardly on loving him 😞 even tho he's leaving now..

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if i love him, i should put trust on him, i should respect his boundaries, i should stop overthink about him in negative ways, i should communicate things 😔

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i would still love him even if he choose to actually leave..i would always thanking him for supporting and have seeing me in different ways than others by falling in love with me..

he should've listen to others about me tho..that im just not a good person and not worth it to be loved..

he's such a dvmbass :c

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he keeps forgiving me until he cant take it anymore tho..

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like..how kind of you

lost wraith
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i feel so alone

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he's my only "friend", i talked to some ppl and only can feel less lonely with him

but i appreciate those ppl tho, really appreciate them 🩷

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i dont go to uni today cuz im cant stop crying last night and my eyes looks really bad in the morning

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also i got sick

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im starting to think that i should just let him go..:c

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cuz it clearly seems that im just not what he wants..and he forced it badly

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he seemed to prefer girls like his ex or probably pink girl

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ive heard him said that night, "gua pengen cewek modelan pink" and it hurts me badly..

and that's also the reason why im really anxious when i saw him talking to her.. 😞 he kept saying something like that about her..

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i want him the happiest and i cant do anything...

i cant give anything to him..
and if that's the only way that could make him feel happy..why not.. 😞

at least i can finally give something to him..

lost wraith
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i wanna leave discord and go on self isolation..

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but what if he didnt mean to break up with me? tho im not sure

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yea maybe i'll just check on it less and less

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i feel like this is my safe space only, literally i only come to discord to vent on here

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it's my old habit

lost wraith
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imma uninstall discord from my phone T_T

lost wraith
lost wraith
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he got a good taste in music too

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gosh he's so perfect to me 😔

lost wraith
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he unfollowed our beautiful playlist

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it hurts

lost wraith
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i will keep it tho 😞

lost wraith
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i could never leave anyone ive loved

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i dont want someone i love to experience that

lost wraith
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it was almost the shittiest day of my life

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my dad and i got an accident

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but when i walked home, there were two little angels who told me that im really pretty 😭

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sadly i didnt bring anything to give them so i just say thank you and compliment them back

lost wraith
lost wraith
lost wraith
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it feels like im going on literal hermit mode

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i talk to some people but they don't talk to me, they talk to my other self

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it feels too lonely

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if im being myself, people will leave, just like him and everyone else

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"you have to open up to people"

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why? :c why would i do that if knowing me more leads to loving me less

lost wraith
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idk what do i actually want

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i got overstimulated..cuz of too much socializing today

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but i finally feel less lonely but that also drain me 😭

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so idk maybe i love being alone?

lost wraith
lost wraith
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sorry but i want to vent in my language is it okay? 😭

sumpah yaa makin kesini aku malah jadi marah bgt ke diri aku sendiri 😔 pgn peluk diri sendiri...

sakit banget ampe lupa kalo dia yg nembak duluan 😭 berasa yg jadi sampah itu aku

mana dia keliatannya udah move on tanpa peduliin aku yg masih ada rasa ama dia :c

aku mungkin masih kadang relapse, tapi bener2 aku niat move on

aku akhir2 ini ngerti klo kita berdua itu blum siap buat mencintai seseorang

dia ga bisa nerima kekurangan aku yg punya masalah emotional dependency..dan dia ga mau sabar nunggu aku berubah padahal waktu itu jelas aku berusaha banget berubah demi dia..

sementara aku nerimain dia apa adanya, dia tau aku paling anti sama cowok gamon & friendly (g d boundaries sama tmn ceweknya) 😔

tapi aku nerimain itu semua, ya karena itu bagian diri dia, kalo aku sayang sama dia aku harus bisa nerima itu walau ngejalaninnya sakit..

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dia pernah bilang ke aku kalo dia takut the more he knows about a person

ya mungkin dia takut dia bakal kecewa sama org tersebut?

tapi :c that's literally the core of love?

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that's what actual love look like

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dan mungkin dia ngga paham itu jadi yaa..ga papa sih.. berarti dia bukan buat aku aja

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pas aku masih pacaran sama dia jujur tersiksa banget tapi rasa sayang aku lebih besar..

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tersiksanya itu ya karena aku tau kalo dia pernah sesayang itu sama mantannya, aku bahkan ngecek playlist spotify dia dan salah satunya aku yakin banget itu buat mantan pertamanya

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selain itu gaya temenan dia ke temen ceweknya juga ngga banget sih..

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walaupun aku sering relapse tapi aku agak lega aja..karena aku tau ini cuman temporary dan suatu saat aku bakal pulih

sementara kalo aku terus sama dia kemungkinan aku bakal nahan sakit gitu lebih lama

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dan aku mutusin buat cut off temen ceweknya dia juga, walau aku sebenernya ga ada hate apa2 ke dia tapi sebagai cewek yang support girls banget

aku kalo jadi dia aku bakal jauhin sahabat cowokku karena aku ga mau digituin juga

dan setelah aku tanya pendapat sono sini, cari di internet..ternyata prinsipku yang kayak gitu justru malah sehatt

dia baik dia sering dengerin curhat aku tapi jujur aku ga mau temenan sama dia karena itu

padahal kita berdua cukup punya trauma yang sama loh, kenapa dia ngga mengerti tentang hal itu...

tapi aku berusaha ngertiin dia juga klo dia g punya opsi temen lain selain mantanku waktu itu..

dan dia orang baik yg mungkin salah cara aja..

mending aku temenan sama sahabat cewekku yang dulu pernah rela move on dari crush dia sendiri karena dia tau aku juga nge crush-in orang yang samaa

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aku bersyukur masih banyak orang yang peduli sama aku..

temen online ku, sahabat real life ku...

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orang tua, keluarga

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semuanya bener2 peduli bangett

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aku sayang kalian

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padahal some of them belom punya koneksi yg kuat kyak aku ke dia loh

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tapi mereka lebih sayang aku 🙃

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dia ngedengerin curhatan aku 2 harian full 😭

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dan ga cape2

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liat sahabat cewekku, nyari dimana lagi org kyk giniiiii

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bang leon jugaaa

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bang dimas juga, walaupun dia ga pernah dengerin curhatan aku tentang ini, karena aku blum nyaman cerita ama dia

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ada orang2 sesayang ini sama aku kenapa aku fokus sama seseorang yg nge dump aku 😭

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dan aku juga lega sih klo aku minta maaf soal kesalahan aku dia

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yang maksud aku belom siap mencintai seseorang tuh ya itu..aku punya issue ini

akarnya sama, karena aku g sayang diri sendiri.

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pas minta maaf pun aku ga berusaha nyerang dia balik..pure minta maaf aja

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rasanya ga guna juga..

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aku tau sifatnya dia itu

ego dia tuh terlalu tinggi buat ngakuin klo dia salah juga..

dan itu bagi aku yasudah, sekali lagi karena aku tulus sayang sama dia jadi aku maklumin sifat dia

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aku berharap kedepannya dia dapet kasih sayang sesuai ama yg dia mau sih

siapa tau dia klo ama orang yang dia sayang, dia ga bakal kyak gini..

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dannn untuk diriku...😭😭☝️

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i believe in god even tho i dont know which god

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jadiii tuhan liat lah hamba muu ink wkwk bisa sayang ama orang ampe segininya

bayangin kalo tuhan temuin gua dengan orang yang tepat

bayangin bisa sesayang apa gua ama orang tersebut 😭

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beberapa orang bilang kalo genuine love itu bullshit

but my lover girl era hasnt end yet tho

aku cuman pengen jadi lover girl ke orang yang tepat ajaa pliss 😭😭

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segitu aja dulu sih, jujur malem ini lega banget 🥺 aku tau aku masih bisa relapse beberapa bulan kedepan tapi aku yakin aja ama diriku sendiri

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that's it

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mungkin someday aku bakal nyamperin dia

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and probably will disable my discord for some periods of time

shell karma
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new account again im sorry, i keep trying to run 😭

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@little marten thank uuuu matiiiiii

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i feel better about the breakup

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and my life..as usual it sucks..that break up was just like a page in a whole book

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literally my mom keep bringing up that i deserve to be physically abused by my brother everytime i did something wrong and it's not even that bad

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tho i recognize a pattern..my mom do that make me feel no one understands me and no one is on my side...it feels really lonely when some ppl do that thing to me

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same when i got a problem in that one mental health server

and with my ex bf

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i know that that i do something wrong and i bravely admit that..

but they only want to judge they barely want to listen to my side of story...

like..please stop judging when you cant even make the person you judge want to open up to you

shell karma
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well, it's not like i moved on and see him as uninteresting or whatever, i still care about him as a friend tho..

shell karma
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and that's also the reason why im not as clingy as before

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it's like there's a barrier in me and that thing prevents everyone to knowing me more

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prevent me and others to get emotional

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to feel connected

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tho it's not easy..but i believe i will found someone who deserves my trust again 🙂

it just takes time

shell karma
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idk how to help myself from abuse

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i dont have power and this country sucks, it doesnt have any safety line or emergency help things

shell karma
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this type of thing makes me feel lonely as hell

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and then there is that person who doesnt understand what am i going through

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it's really lonely

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i just want a safe home, surrounded by nice people..

past wadi
shell karma
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im indonesia

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i know that me being mad and having some hatred towards him is valid

but both of us used to have good memories..

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why so..

past wadi
shell karma
past wadi
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.........

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I see now

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how old are you?

shell karma
past wadi
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hm..

shell karma
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i just wish i could find a job quickly that align with my uni's schedule so i can support myself

past wadi
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keep fighting

shell karma
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my brother is not even the one who feeds me tho 😭

shell karma
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sorry my english is bad 😭

past wadi
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the only way that you get out of there seems that you keep going

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thats alright!

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your english is fine

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but you already have a path you take?

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keep sticking to it until youre out of there

shell karma
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thank youu.. ✨

past wadi
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do you get enough food and water?

shell karma
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i doo thankfully :3

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im literally sad not because of the bruises, physical pain etc

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like..i think about him too

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and think that it shouldnt be like this

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for this case..i hate empathy

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i cant stop crying, i feel suicidal , i just want a new life lol :v

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i even feel wrong to feel suicidal cuz i know a person who thinks it's just a way to get attention

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like..i open up about it in this journal, it's pretty..'remote' idk how to call that especially for the ppl from my own country

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like...can he please stop judging when that person doesn't even want to open up to him

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idk just too much on my mind and i feel like i got no time to get some rest from thinking abt it

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cuz there's probably chance my brother would do that again tomorrow

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im tired

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i feel like it should be done now cuz it's recurring 😭

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atleast i found the right people to lean to now 😭😭

i feel safe with them even if they only can listen to me, my online friends bang leon and my rl bestie

and i know they will get tired too, it's normal, i still respect their time

shell karma
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i feel lonely as hell

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i literally talk with ppl since morning today but yess

because of what happened i feel lonely

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like why should i configure this alone, i feel so unsafe at home

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thank u edenn

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i know it's just a feeling

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tho i don't tell about the lonely part to ppl who knows me

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im scared they will think im lonely cuz i got no bf anymore

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i think i will feel this way even if i was still with him

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i just cant sleep, i feel anxious and unsafe..

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should i reach out to my rl bestfriend?

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:cc

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i just want a shelter 😭

past wadi
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if you say that you can go to them about any topic, why not

shell karma
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i know this is somewhat not true and probably just my rumination

but i feel really lonely, unloved and scared 😭

#

im scared to ask for ppl's help anymore, the last time i did that to my ex bf, i got called attention seeking

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it's tiring, im tired of judgement

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i mean, this house has always been chaotic and i always trying to distract my mind with my phone or finding someone to let it out and feel secure

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i want to be able to stand alone so bad, just to keep myself away from toxic ppl

shell karma
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why do i have to born in this family

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im really tired

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like mentally

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i cant fucking rest a day

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like i literally don't have anyone

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and i always thought atleast i have them

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and they're not my safe place either

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i hate myself too

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i cant fking do anything to keep myself safe

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to stand fking alone and be happy

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i dont feel like i had friends either

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it's repeating abuse

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i really want to cut them off

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but i cant

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got no job

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expensive rents here

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i literally just come home and i wish i never come back

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i wish when i walk to home a train/car or anything would hit me

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and i died

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that would be good, suffering ends

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like getting bullied at school back then wasnt enough

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and getting hurted by men

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please stop ☹️

shell karma
#

=================================================================================

#

new start for my journal, i want to forget all the above, they're embarassing everytime i read them again 😔

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i love my self more now but i also cant stop hating myself for what i did 😭

why do in my mind back then i only think about BOYS BOYS BOYS BOYS BOYS, getting loved, my trauma and mood swings 😔

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like there are nicer people who cares about me back then but i don't reciprocate their kindness and invest my energy to socialize with them more bcs i only think abt myself and how to be loved

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i understand myself though, i was really desperate back then after my first failed relationship and getting ostracized for years bcs of my weird and bad personality

my mood swings, need validation from boys a lot, dumb, always take never give, unfunny 😭

and now i just want to break the cycle 🥺 i know i wont survive in life if i keep being like this

#

i want to be nicer to myself now, it's not going to be easy but im trying 😞

also i want to be able to stand by myself so i can be the one who help my friends, not the one who's always helped

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i keep trying to find love from the men i want but some of my friends and family give me the love i need for free 😞

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and i know in a few day i will come here to rant about how suck life is, everyone hates me, i hate everyone

but at least i acknowledge that it's not true, it's just my mind or mood swings

shell karma
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so..i think my thoughts about "why am i like this? i probably have anxiety etc?" nope

it's just that i have one of the most toxic family

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i was alone for three frickin days and it was awesome

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when my brother frickin back, all the peace is gone

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when will this ends, godddd

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im tired

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i was the most normal person for 4 days and now im that person again, anxious, hurt, life in fear

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heuheuuu it motivates me to study harder tho

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the thing is that, it makes me toxic too 😭😭

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like it makes me feel like the loneliest person ever and start hating on everyone or start isolating 😭

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i only can think about myself in that situation

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glad i recognize the pattern tho 🥲 i know even though im such in a tough situation i shouldn't treat others like that