MysteryManGuy's life and mind
#Inside MysteryManGuy's mind
native talon
typo lmao
well
Tonight, I feel lost, especially so today. It's weird. Today is just so normal and uneventful.
I'm just not sure how to approach the next few days, or even the next few weeks. It has become apparent to me that I'm in need of changing.
I have exams for next week. I focused so hard on a previous exam (that really mattered, as it was a Year 12 subject, I'm in Year 11) that I drained myself completely. I somehow could not focus on studying tonight. I didn't know what to do. I was lucky that these exams don't "matter", but I'm still not sure how I'm going to make it. I start with Biology on Tuesday. Tomorrow counts.
I'm not sure why, but I'm not stressed out or in a meltdown like I'd usually be before an exam, especially since I'm so unprepared. It feels like school has ended in a way. There's still like 3 weeks remaining, that are all important.
I belong to a particular cohort in my school for "accelerated" students, though it doesn't really mean that much. The program sets up a class for each year part of the program. Part of being in that program is that our cohort has excursions unique to us, particularly the end of year celebrations. In a few weeks, our cohort is going ice skating in the city as voted by them. I'm still not sure how it was so popular among all of us, but whatever.
I worry for excursions, especially for that program. Part of being in excursions is having a good time with your peers, yet I'm pretty much an outsider towards others. I'm apprehensive toward the entire thing. I know a few people at best, and I'm not sure how I'm going to enjoy myself without being ostracised.
The entire ordeal reminds me of an excursion I had this year with my Chemistry class (along with the other classes), where I actually had a great time. I (sorta) had a decent circle in my class, and it felt so comfortable. I'm barely close with them now, but it felt like I was friends with everyone for years. So I worry, because there's nothing like that with my cohort. Part of me wants to skip, but I'm always told I'll miss out.
native talon
I'm sleep deprived and I did my Biology exam today. It was easy. Surprisingly so. I was too worried over fairly basic questions. It covered inheritance, genetics, bioethics, ecosystems, adaptations and reproduction. I actually couldn't believe it wasn't as hard as I thought it was gonna be.
I hoped that I was going to go home straight away after the exam. But then I found my friend, a guy I've known since I was a kid. I've been walking home with lately, but I'm honestly not too close to him. My class met up around the lockers, as did some others. My friend did so too. Everyone seemed to be occupied with a conversation about their exams or something they plan to do. As usual, I felt out of place. I didn't know what to do or say. I said a few words to a couple people at best. I was uncomfortable. I just wanted to go home.
The area eventually cleared out, and my friend was being headlocke and taken away (?) by another guy I knew. My friend encouraged me to tag along, along with another guy I knew (but I hated). We went to a Maccas store and stayed for a while. I lost a game of Clash Royale against one of the guys. It was weird, ending up there was the last thing I expected to happen. It felt nice, but still I felt out of place. Even with Clash Royale distracting me, I couldn't help but feel that I didn't know anyone there as much as they did.
Afterwards, I walked home with the friend I walk home with. We had a talk about all sorts of things. Somehow it ended up with me asking him how I could be less closed off from others and be in better conversation with others. I don't get how the topic came, but it felt so natural, oddly enough.
He told me I had to try approach others, even if it is scary or the conversation sucked. He said I obviously shouldn't be intrusive, but I just had to get out there and engage. He told me that people didn't dislike me as much as I thought they did. He told me I had to take care of myself, and that self-confidence translates to real confidence. He told me to listen to others, and ask as many questions as I could. There was so much more, but it was honestly some of the most helpful advice I've gotten. It was nothing like I'd felt before. I felt like I learned something important. I didn't feel ashamed to ask and didn't feel humiliated as if I was some pathetic person. I was glad he listened and responded without giving me any judgement. I only wished I learned any of this sooner.
The whole experience was so odd. It was just a weird day. I just don't know. I wasn't concerned about the exam as much as I did for my Year 12 one. The exam itself felt so insignificant. Then I went out, when I never thought I would, and got insightful advice I never thought would help me. I didn't feel as hopeless or down as before, though I'd be lying if I said I never felt it. I had such a rough past week, it was such a weird shift.
Tomorrow I have my English exam. I'm terrible at English. Essays and analysis aren't my strong suit. Hopefully I get a decent mark, but I have no idea on how it's going to go.
Afterwards, I have to study for my Maths and Accounting exams the following day, probably the two exams I'm most worried about, even if these exams don't "matter".
native talon
My exams are over. I've been spending my now free time doing nothing, and it's been pretty great.
My English exam was just okay. I don't expect it to be marked to well, but I think I did better than I thought I would. My math exam didn't go too well, and I have no clue how I'm going to pass. My accounting exam seemed to go prettty well though.
My last exam was Chemistry. That exam made my math exam look good, including for the rest of my class. It was so bad, half the exams in the class were blank. The exam barely covered any of the topics aside from the few, for a portion of the exam. The rest were questions were based on topics we never covered at all.
What was the most weird is that one of the guys I know in the class was asking the examiner about questions that couldn't be answered. We were missing pages that had data that we had to use to answer some questions, and other things that made no sense at all (the examiner didn't teach Chemistry). He came back with the Chemistry teacher that apparently made the exam. For like 25 minutes there were questions that she explained, a few that she accidentally gave the answer to, and some others she didn't like or didn't understand. After she left, some of the kids in our class got up and started talking to each other, like 5 minutes before it ended. I was not confident in that exam when I gave it in, and when it finished, I found out everyone felt the same way. I couldn't believe what happened in that. Tl:dr it was a pretty bad exam.
Exams are over though, luckily those ones don't really count toward anything, but god I hope my family doesn't find it. But it's done. Weirdly I don't really feel like a weight has been llifted off from me. After my Chemistry exam I just decompressed and stopped studying completely for once, but I don't feel relief weirdly.
When the Chemistry exam ended I was made to play Minecraft with one of my friends and a couple other people I didn't really know. It was fun, and I played for a few hours, and I knew nobody really had a bad impression of me, but I still weirdly felt out of place there. I didn't know what to do or say aside when my friend talked to me.
In general these past few days have made me discover that I don't approach or confront others at all, which is obviously pretty bad. I want to change this, but I have no idea what to do. I have my class end of year celebration excursion (still not sure why it's ice skating) in 2 more weeks, and I wonder if it's the time where it counts the most, since I'm a complete outsider in that class and the cohort. I still don't know if it's even worth going. I'm not sure why I agreed to go. I know it will be disastrous. Nothing about it is worth it for me, yet I haven't backed out of this excursion at all.
On another note, a story idea I had forgotten about is coming back and a lot of ideas are fermenting. It's probably not going to come to fruition but it's been a lot of fun coming up with ideas. With the free time I have in this weekend (I still have 2 more weeks for a 'step-up' trial for Year 12 which will be busy) I'm hoping to finish a drawing I left for ages due to exams, and possibly go out on my own somewhere.
native talon
I decided not to go to my end-of-year class excursion. I haven't been doing too great lately. Step-up for Year 12 started in my school and it's been terrible. I wish I didn't feel like such a liability to other all of the time.
native talon
I feel like a burden to everyone I know. It really hit me lately that I don't fit in anywhere. I'm struggling to find the point in anything anymore. I don't know what to do now.
native talon
been a weird few days. i had the worst week possible yet the past few days have been strange ig? (not really sure if it was "good").
at like thursday i found out i won the dux (top of the cohort) for my year 12 subject in my school. i was pretty surprised even though i did bad in the exam and nobody really gave a shit in that class. i thought it was over once i found out but then there was an assembly in the world's worst room where they annouced i won. not easy for someone shy like me but i somehow managed. got congratulated by a bunch of people, including from those i never would've expected it from.
that day i found out one of my friends was leaving for dubai for a few months so he invited me to hang out in the city w/ some people. i was pretty relunctant, but then i was told about "carpe diem" or something and sort of realised it's probably right to go. so i went today. transport was kind of a disaster and we didn't really get enough time to do anything, but it was still fun. i "knew" everyone there but wasn't really close to anyone aside from a couple people. i was hoping to use today as an opportunity to change and be more involved socially, but i didn't. as much fun as i had it would've made no difference if i didn't go. i've been feeling good, becasue i don't go out much and i don't get invited to many social gatherings and everyone didn't seem to mind i was there (i thought they would find me a pain, but they seemed okay with me), but frankly i'm kind of frustrated that i didn't really use this chance to get close to anyone.
i really need to improve my conversational skills, but not sure how to really change that
native talon
I hate myself
native talon
my school holidays have started. it's been a pretty odd past few weeks to say at the very least. i've had step-up for year 12, and i don't really have much issue with the people in my class ig. i'm worried if that changes next year because it's probably the best i could manage. my teachers are another story, but i'm hoping to work more independently next year.
also turns out that excursion my cohort went to was pretty good. i've been regretting not going for the past week, but it is what it is ig.
not really sure what to do in these holidays. i'm hoping to be more productive and go out more, study, do some of my hobbies and work out, but who knows if that will even succeed.
i haven't felt enthused as much as i thought i would. i don't feel relieved or relaxed about these holidays at all. i'm probably less stressed and less sleep deprived, but i'm honestly not feeling too great lately.
native talon
i've been inside aside from going on a few walks. i haven't done anything productive yet in the holidays. i did no studying at all. i've become so underwhelmed and so overwhelmed at the same time. it's been hard to cope with my thoughts alone and dealing with events that happened in the year. i'm worried the holidays are gonna be worse than i hoped they would be.
native talon
tomorrow i get my mark for my year 12 subject. there are 10 years and 20 minutes left as i write this. i'm so nervous even though it's one subject
native talon
i got a 35 (out of 50). i did better than i thought i got, though i kinda hoped it would be higher. but 35 is still above average. i'm satisfied with my score and glad that subject is gone. now i have to really start studying for year 12
native talon
I feel like I do okay with social interaction sometimes, and then get completely fucked over by how incompetent I am in being able to be put in any social circumstance. i just wish I could be better
I feel like a loser in everything in my life
native talon
one of my friends told me to block an online firend of hers without explanation. i truested her but i was still reluctant to do so. i did in the end. he unfriended me in the end. he ended up joining an inactive server i'm in where my friend used to be a part of. it's a little awkward, but that server is inactive so whatever. somehow it's putting more weight on me than i thought. i barely knew the guy, but i've spoken to him and he seems like a cool dude, and cutting him off out of the blue was not an easy thing to do ig. i don't know. i'll probably get over it.
native talon
i feel like i'm slowly reaching rock bottom.
i've done absolutely nothing notable in these holidays. i wasted 2 weeks completely aside from working on a single insignificant drawing i don't even like
native talon
i think i will go to a library tomorrow
native talon
never mind i had to be home for an nbn installation in my house. i'll go tomorrow ig
native talon
started my workout for the holidays. hopefully i persist long enough at least until school starts
native talon
I went to the library. I did math homework for an hour and procastinated for an hour writing an idea for a game I had that won't happen but whatever. Almost got lost on the way home.
I had an okay time. I was alone and embarrassed with myself being in public, but I still went out, and got stuff done, which was good at least. Hopefully I will do this regularly.
Maybe one day I could invite someone, though I'm not really a person to invite others.
I didn't read any books sadly, but maybe next time I will be able to. I'm more keen on this than I thought I'd be, even though it's a pretty insignificant thing.
I think I will do some more homework and do some drawing
native talon
i remembered some bad memories from school i had this year and i ended up crying
god being an outsider is the worst :( i wish i had a better year.
i now really just lost faith in a good year next year. which sucks becuase i'm going into year 12 and it's my final year.
i don't know how i'm going to make it honestly
native talon
I've been going on more walks lately which has been nice
I wish I was able to invite people to places. Not like anyone would accept anyway.
God I hope I never hear what people in my school have been up to
native talon
i got a haircut. i wanted it trimmed but it got cut too much
for some reason i'm really upset about it. i'm not mad at anyone for it, but i just kept thinking "why does this always happen?"
i legitimately was crying. i have no idea why i had such a strong reaction to a fucking haircut but it is what it is.
i don't know
maybe
i always thought i was ugly. i never had compliments on my appearance until i grew out my hair so having something about my appearance people actually liked made me feel better about myself
i guess realising i didn't look as bad as i thought helped me so much esp on my self-confidence
people liked my long hair (aside from family) and i kept getting compliments from the girl i liked
oh well. it's gonna take many months but it is was it is ig
man
why did i have such an emotional reaction though
native talon
tired af
my sleep schedule hasn't improved one bit. 3am as I'm typing this
native talon
i feel pretty shit about having no plans for the new years or chistmas even though i never really did
loneliness really getting to me in the holidays ig
native talon
well i accidentally found out about what other people in my class were up to in the holidays. i didn't want to know, because i was afraid it would just involve things that would just make me feel left out, alone, uneventful, etc. i was hoping i wouldn't know anything at least for the entirety of the school holidays but sadly i found out just before the new year
somehow i wasn't as upset as i thought i'd be when i heard it. my mind just went "oh well, shit happens, it's understandable." my first thought was made me realise that i need to focus on myself in these holidays. so i will. i'm going to care less about others and focus on myself for once. it's a new years resolution ig.
it's getting to me now though. i'm kinda scared of what will happen.
then i remembered seeing someone say "wallow in self-pity and back on the saddle, cowboy." so i will do that hopefully
i think i should take some time away from discord for a while.
so
i'll be offline for some time ig
native talon
so
i had an episode and i cut off discord for like a week
i hoped i would end up focusing on myself but still nothing changed
idk
maybe i need to stay away from discord more
i don't know anymore
native talon
i'm feeling seriously bad in the holidays
i feel like i wasted every part of my life
it's also hard to try focus on myself, but now at the very least i accepted that i'm gonna need others anyway which is fine
i have no clue how to go on
native talon
i'm soo fucking tired...
native talon
i got invited to some thing from my closest friend for his 18th birthday
i'm honestly pretty surprised about it but tbh i'm feeling pretty apprehensive about it
somehow i doubt i'm being invited because he wanted me there
also some people from my class are coming and i have no idea how that's gonna turn out because my class isn't really too good
man it's gonna be shit
native talon
Jesus Christ it took me 3 hours to sleep last night. I have no idea if I'm an insomniac or I just sleep terribly
native talon
well i did it
and
it was weird
wasn't bad
wasn't great
i managed to feel part of them and yet alienated at the same time
i'm tired from it so my thoughts are in disarray
i don't know
native talon
less than 2 weeks till school starts and i barely touched my holiday homework
stressed out af
procastination seriously sucks
also not really improving myself
fell off my workout
sleep schedule barely improved
the holidays felt like a total waste
native talon
i studied
finally
i barely did enough out of my homework
but at least i started
on another note
i've been wanting to go out so much more
esp because it's my final summer holidays for school
even going out alone would be nice
i don't have money or a job and it's probably too late to get one
idk
i'm kinda sick of staying home
i ended up making a huge list of places i want to go either alone or with others
native talon
school is starting next week
i really can't do this again
still behind on my homework
i really don't wanna see anyone there again
native talon
First day was awful. Hating everything atm. I still have so much homework to get done
native talon
got most of my homework done. am seriously sleep deprived. school has still been awful
native talon
my god i hate year 12 lmao
native talon
it's currently 2:25 am
i have 2 quizzes tomorrow
i don't know jack for either one
one of them may result to an email/phone call to my family
i'm so stressed and i've gotten nothing done
i still don't know anything
native talon
so
my biology quiz was easy because it was old content and really simple questions
my math one
was 2 questions
i knew one of them and fumbled on the other
and the math one is a risk for a phone call home
so i'm kinda screwed but i'm not too worried about it ig
feeling like crap though
i've been in a constant state of dread ever for 2 weeks straight
it's not getting any better
god this year is gonna suck
native talon
school was horrible. it usually is bad, but it was especially horrible today. i have no idea how i'm going to keep living anymore
worldly dune
Grill
worldly dune
Your cool
worldly dune
hello grill, i am mmg
Your a cool guy
native talon
Your a cool guy
thanks, you're cool too
worldly dune
thanks, you're cool too
Your cooler and better
native talon
Your cooler and better
doubt it
worldly dune
a grill is cool too though
You made my day by just the username
native talon
You made my day by just the username
i'm glad to hear that :D
worldly dune
Yas hope your day is not FANUM TAX💅✨✨
native talon
Yas hope your day is not FANUM TAX💅✨✨
oh it can never be fanum tax
you too btw
worldly dune
oh it can never be fanum tax
Hope
worldly dune
Yaaas
native talon
slowly feeling like i'm withering away
i'm so tired of this life
i don't know why i do anything anymore
it's all so pointless
native talon
i don't know if one of my only friends from school likes me any more
they blocked me after some stupid joke happened
and i have no idea if it's a joke or not
i'm not even sure if i feel super upset or if i don't give a shit anymore
native talon
PROCASTINATION
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUFKCKFUCK SHIT
native talon
i don't know if one of my only friends from school likes me any more
i talked it out with them. we're fine now.
i still find my relationships so unfulfilling though
i just wish i could either find some peace in being lonely or find people that i feel safe towards
on another note i went on a walk for once on saturday
...i saw some people i knew climb out from my school (from trespassing i think) so that was something
native talon
Pretty sure I failed my math quiz
I'm pretty much behind everyone in everything.
I just want all of this to end
native talon
i'm just so frustrated
i actually can't believe how shit i am in school
now i have 2 more quizzes tomorrow and i am not ready at all
native talon
i can't relax. school is so overwhelming. i've had a practice test for english, which i did okay in, but i always do worse in english than i think. nothing is going the way i wanted. i wanted to be ahead and study hard, and the exact opposite is happening. i haven't had a proper night's sleep in so long. i failed so many quizzes already. i have a practice test for chemistry soon which is stressing me out. i'm learning nothing and am so far behind in everything.
i'm genuinely afraid. i've gotten nothing done in math, barely know anything. biology has been constant infodumps i haven't caugfht up with at all. tests on my subjects are approaching quickly. i can't believe the 6th week is already coming and nothing has gotten better
native talon
i finished school early again.
i was so overwhelmed i cried in the middle of my math class
it was not a good day
loneliness and life in general has been even more crushing now that school has been so hectic
native talon
i can't be fucked finishing my homework
i'm already so far behind
i don't know what i'm doing
i don't ever know what i do
why am i like this
why is everything in my life so shit
native talon
I'm tired. I feel like I'm running in circles all of time. I don't solve anything in the end. I can't run forever.
I just want everything to end. I just want to disappear. Nothing in my life is worth missing. I still put up with it in the hope something will come or is secretly there all along but there's nothing
No time is worth it here. I am such a piece of shit and I can never change. I don't want to keep going only to pretend that's changed, when nothing will. I could be gone now and nothing will be affected. Nobody would ever care. Nothing will be gone if I was gone. I'm worthless and pointless and unnecessary.
I just can't do this anymore. Every day is just the same shit just gradually worsening, while at the end of the day it means fuck all. I have nothing in me that's of any worth. I am nothing. I hate my life. I hate myself
native talon
i'm scared
native talon
why am i so incompetent in everything
native talon
nothing matters anymore
native talon
well evidently i've had a pretty rough week.
i'm just so done with school. god i really don't wanna go back
right now i'm still procastinating
even though i have really important tests coming up and i have the long weekend rn
man i really don't know how i'm gonna make it
native talon
anyways my procrastination problem was tanked all of a sudden got nothing done in the past week
on the bright side i did okay on my bio practice sac
i managed to study a lot of the content right before the sac
then apparently it got leaked by another class
and then someone found out it was literally just online textbook questions
so i'm kinda relieved but mad at the same time lmao
other than that i feel so exhausted and awful
native talon
I was roasted by the sun for the weekend. Now it's been raining for the past 2 days. Welcome to Melbourne
native talon
on another note something funny happened today.
for some reason somebody put a random lock on my locker, one that needed a key. i now had 2 locks on my locker. i found my english teacher and asked him to get rid of it, so he told me to meet me by my locker and showed up 5 minutes later with some big-ass scissors (that cuts metal, idk what it's called) that was the size of himself. so now someone is missing a lock.
native talon
school ended early. I got 80 on my bio practice sac only marked down because I didn't finish a couple questions. Pretty satisfied with it considering I'm behind on it. Just gotta work even harder for the real one
Other than that I'm doing awful. I had a math practice test that I bombed. Everything is just as terrible as usual. I really despise my school.
right now I could disappear and nobody would care
native talon
tomorrow on the 16th i turn 18. i would've forgotten about it if it weren't for a select few people. to be frank i don't really know how to feel about it. i feel apathetic and couldn't care less but also feel as if something is supposed to be different now that things change.
looking back on my childhood, i get mixed feelings, mostly of remorse, and sadness with tinges of nostalgia. i miss having my class feel like some massive friend group (dare i say even family) in year 7 with people who i will never see again or will never talk to anymore. i was also horribly depressed at that point, but whenever i think about it, i get so nostalgic to the point of longing. it felt like homesickness. i crave for that time. i miss being able to nothing and being able to enjoy it. covid ruined so much of this, as well as my own actions, but it was also kind of inevitable. i don't know why that part sticks in my head so much. i still hated so much of my past, and i don't really have many good memories, but that's another story i guess. at the end of the day, i still think a lot of it was a waste. a lot of it was worthwhile and unnecessary and so frustrating but honestly i care less and less about that the more time passes.
in the future i still wish for independence, though i don't feel like things will get much better. i just want things to feel diffferent now. i feel so restricted and enclosed where i am, and once i graduate i won't have to think of anything about high school. once i get a license i can go wherever. once i get a job i can own money, and be more responsible. i'm also weirdly giddy about being able to vote, but i get passionate about that kind of thing ig. not really sure what else i really care about coming into adulthood. who knows if it'll be worse or better than now. we'll see
anyway thank you for coming to my ted talk
native talon
fucking hell i wish i was more responsible and less lazy than i am now holy fuck
i have like 3 important tests this week and am still behind on my homework
it's been 8 fucking weeks and still nothing has changed
why is it so hard to be motivated and disciplined
native talon
got my math practice test back and i got 19%... apparently only 5 people passed and many people got a similar or less score than me but holy fuck i really messed up and i really gotta catch up
i'm really not looking forward to a potential phone call home from this
native talon
slowly i've being a little more social with people in my school, though it's still not much. i feel less like a hermit or an outcast and more like someone who is a little friendly with strangers, though i still feel like a statue, in which i'm just in a scene awkwardly not doing anything and not knowing what to do.
i still wish i such a nobody, but at least there's slight progress?
god i hope i don't fuck this up
native talon
i got my chemistry sac back. i mean i passed... i should've done wayyy bettert though. i feel so bitter about it
i did my english test today and i also could've done better. idk.
and now something embarassing about me got revealed and now is a rumour around my school
all in all i had an awful day
i'm feeling like total crap
native talon
did my bio test and did well, my math test got pushed back to monday which is relieving
just that and tests are over for this term
native talon
WHY AM I PROCASTINATING
native talon
oh great i did nothing all day awesome
native talon
it is 4:30 am
i am not ready
i don't know how to answer questions
but i finally understand the conepts
calculus actually makes sense now
i feel liberated
holy shit
i'm also tired
and stressed
but happy
i feel like i'm going crazy but this is huge wtf
I NEED TO SLEEP BTW
native talon
Ok I done it and it was shit
The tech free part A was easy actually but part B was so hard
I mean my entire class thought the same but damn
Gotta work harder ig
native talon
i'm so exhausted and unmotivated
native talon
i wish i had an answer for any of my problems. i wish i could have the competency to solve said issues. everything just feels like endlessly going in a spiral, just going in circles of the same thing.
it doesn't matter if the issue is school, my loneliness, trauma, my endless self-loathing, being depressed, and everything else i have. truthfully i couldn't solve anything if i tried my hardest. i'm not good enough for anything. i just don't see the point in any of this anymore
i feel like a second-rate person. in that a person that doesn't have any purpose or importance, someone who's dull and ultimately pointless. i could see value in others that i see but i can't see it in myself and i'm 100% sure others think the same, and i know this because i've heard things like that from others. it's like things are meant to be as shit as they are. it's like i deserve to suffer more or something.
being and outsider and generally a nobody to others is indicitive of that. no wonder i feel left out or ignored constantly. maybe i deserve it deep down. perhaps i'm just thinking irrationally, i've had an epiphany before from that very feeling. but i think i just miss the bigger picture
i've been going on trying to chase this wish that i could be someone, literally anybody. what's come of that besides still failing in anything, not improving, and really becoming more of a liability? in the end i'm more robotic and empty and feeling nothing more than ever. it would be better if i was a robot, at least there's not an emotional mess of a consciousness stuck in there. maybe i'm not meant to have any reason other than be some last thought. that's how it always is anyway. perhaps there's no reason i should even bother pretending i have some worth. what's the point anyway. i've lost all reason to feel important or validated.
native talon
I feel so irrelevant. It wouldn't matter if I disappear
native talon
jealousy and envy is making me want to jump off a cliff
native talon
I got my senior jacket. I also finished the term. I'm in holidays for now.
My senior jacket is awesome btw.
I'm just glad I managed to do a term of this shit year
native talon
i got 88 on my bio test which is sick. i got 40 on my maths test which is barely a pass. was reeeally lucky
native talon
i'm not feeling too good about myself rn
i just wish everything would be different
man why can't i ever make anything in my life worthwhile
i wish i had value. i wish others saw value in me. i hate being such a joke in everything.
i just feel like a brick wall all of the time. it's like my presence is irrelevant and unimportant. it doesn't matter what i do in the end, it will just lead to nothing
it sucks so much that i care about other people so much more than they probably care about me. then again what have i to show for it? it's not like i show that well anything. i'm such a fucking idiot.
ykw it' doesn't even matter in the end. i'm such a piece of shit. i can't believe that i'm even surprised everything is so bad for me, not like i deserve any better anyway
i bet everything would be so much better if i just died. nobody would miss me. nobody would care. if anything they'd be happier
native talon
I've been getting very strange dreams lately, and not really in the absurdity of them, but the fact that they've been weirdly personal? I don't really believe dreams mean much but man it's so weird the kind of dreams I've been having
As such I just started a dream journal. I already wrote in depth about 3 strange dreams I remember vividly and somehow got analytical on it, like some essay
I don't know if I feel comfortable sharing them. The one that had the biggest impression on me I call it the Manic Pixie Dream.
Frankly I'm a little nervous sleeping wondering what next weird dream I'll get.
I hope I can find someone I'm comfortable with sharing but who knows if I'll ever be able to share it
native talon
so i've accidentally wasted half of my holidays doing nothing. i now have a week to do all of my homework and study
native talon
man i fucking hate myself
fuck this life i wanna die
nothing matters. i'm just a piece of shit
native talon
i wish i didn't care for things that didn't matter. i just want to do well in school and not give a crap about anything else and yet i never put the effort i want to put in for school. i hate that i get upset and overthink the stupidest things. i hate every decision i make is completely unproductive. i hate that i regret everything i do. i hate that i have no motivation to stop any of my problems. i hate it all. i don't deserve anything. i'm still a mess, and it just gets worse no matter what i even bother to do.
i'm just tired. i'm tired of everything. i feel like a robot that has feelings. i feel so far apart from knowing how a person acts and then get hurt in the process. i fuck up everything i touch. i'm so sick of feeling like shit so much. i don't want this. i just want to end it all. i just want to change. i just want to matter. i want to be somebody, and have any kind of talent, skill, personality, or anything. i don't like a single thing about myself.
maybe i should just leave this server. as of late this along with some others has just been a method to cope with my own problems and to run from reality. it's becoming unhealthy the amount of time i spend here and the amount of weight i have put on here. it's genuinely ridiculous the attachments i have to some places, especially here. and for what? it's all one-sided anyway. nobody gives a fuck. i care about others here more than they probably do to me. i was such a fucking idiot for thinking i could do better here than in real life. nobody ever gives a shit and who could blame them. it was all for nothing. i can't do anything and it all comes to nothing. it's all just a bloody waste of time. maybe i should just quit discord for a while. maybe for good. what am i really missing in the end? i feel like a virus. i don't belong anywhere. i should just fuck off from everything entirely.
if only i wasn't me
why can't anything ever go well?
i feel like such a loser.
i just want to die
native talon
i don't know what i'm doing anymore
native talon
i return to school tomorrow
i mean it's only been like 2 weeks
i'm oddly scared
i'm also behind on my homework so that could be it lol
native talon
well school fucking sucks
big surprise
on top of it i'm feeling immense dread constantly and i have no idea how to stop it
god why am i such a fucking idiot
i screw up everything i touch
i hate myself so much
native talon
why am i always such a coward
why can't i ever push myself to do what i want or need to do
native talon
man this year wasn't any different from last year, just significantly worse
I can't believe I thought otherwise
native talon
aaaaand tonight's the night i self-diagnose with senioritis. i don't know if it's burnout or just complete laziness, but any chance of me having any academic success is gone for. so there goes any kind of comeback and the little importance i had in myself.
i wish i just was as successful academically now as when i was a kid. i used to be able to ace anything, whether i tried or not. i was recognised by others for being smart. i was acknowledged as such by my family, who never really believed in me otherwise. i was more motivated and stronger. of course that all would go away as i grew up, now i've faded into irrelevance with nothing going on for me.
i had nothing going on for me besides being a 'smart kid.' i don't know who i am without that moniker now. no relationships, no prospects, no personality, no strengths, just a pointless figure looming around in awkwardness. i feel like a joke. i feel like i'm wasted. i feel unimportant
i don't know anymore. i just hate myself so much. i'm tired. i'm tired of everything. i'm tired of myself.
native talon
well i barely passed my chemistry test because of course i did. so sick of myself being so incompetent.
and i acted like the idiot i am to others and ended up in multiple embarassing scenarios. i also just feel like a loser again, really hate how pathetic i come across to others.
why do i always do this
i'm tired of myself. i'm tired of being tired. i just want things to be different
native talon
well i have school formal coming up (our version of prom to any american reading) soon and for some reason i've been made to sit with people in my class, a.k.a the friend group i thought i was part of but isn't. it's funny bc they submitted me in with them and got upset when i doubted it as if i was somehow obstrasicing them when they couldn't give a crap about me... i just don't understand.
formal is gonna be a long night for sure.
native talon
somehow i managed to do well in my maths test
i'm surprised but i still gotta do well tomorrow, bc i have a bio practice test and an extension of my chem test, issue is i'm screwed in both
native talon
fuck me i don't know a thing about shit
2 entire chapters for bio on the area of study
calorimetry and biofuels for chem
electrolysis for chem too
we're doing 2 fucking quizzes why
native talon
well
i did my chemistry supplementary test and my bio practice
i'm gonna need a miracle
lmfao
native talon
i feel like shit. i feel like nothing at all. i don't know how to describe it nothing more than a torment. the feeling of dissatissfaction i have with everything and with myself.
this week, especially today has just been a reality check of things i thought were better than it really was. i don't really know if i wanna get into detail, but yeah i just feel more hollow more than ever. i still feel and act alien. everything feels more pointless than ever. it's been a rough week for sure. maybe i should sleep it off, not like it'll cure me or anything but whatever. at least it rained for once, i love rainy weather. at least i ended up vcing with some cool people here, haven't done a vc in a long time. i just wish i didn't seem like an ass when i was there haha. maybe it was better off without me idk, but ig that's just a toxic way of thinking.
man i hate my brain
maybe it's true
native talon
90% on my bio practice test and 93 on my accounting test. I'm rank 3 in accounting. What in the actual fuck. Legitimately thought I failed bio
I also paid for my formal yesterday. I still gotta get a suit, and whatever else I need.
Formal is gonna be weird. Idk if I've said this before but I got submitted to share a table with a friend group I'm pretty much ostracised from and it still fucks with me that they put me there. I honestly don't really understand why. It's not like I have bad blood with them but it's not like we're really friends or anything. In fact I don't think we have a good impression or each other. We also share a limo, which is... something ig?
So yeah, a bad but weird day for sure.
native talon
passed my chemistry supplementary (thank fuck)
native talon
what am i doing to myself?
native talon
i've been overstepping myself a bit. i'm gonna try pull back and focus on myself a bit. the past week has been a nightmare, got myself stressed over too many dumb things as well as some serious things. but on other news i got 80% on my maths test and ended up 4th in the cohort (2nd was a 81% tie between 2 people) so i'm proud of that. i did pretty good on my bio test but idk whats come of it yet. chemistry feels hopeless and who tf knows what's happening for english. i got invited out with some people this saturday, which was something i didn't expect. they're really cool people too. but man i still feel like a mess. i'm really hating myself lately. school is really having too much of effect on me. i'm just glad it's halfway through the year and i won't have to see that place ever again. but yeah. i've been a little stressed and made a lot of stupid decisions lately. i'm gonna try to change myself. hopefully.
native talon
well the thing i got invited to for today got pushed to next week, hoping things don't go too south from there. kinda having the itch to go out somewhere today, maybe a walk.
maybe i should just study for chemistry. i also (tried) to play terraria with some people yesterday until terraria didn't load. kinda sucked tbh
native talon
i wish i didn't feel anxious over the dumbest things
native talon
i wish i wasn't me
native talon
i don't really know what to make of the last week. it wasn't as if much happened, but it's so equally horrible and a nothingburger that i don't even know how to feel about it. been transitioning into the 'part 2' of year 12, got 100% on my bio test, got ecstatic over that esp as i beat ppl i didn't expect i'd beat, good for my rankings ig. as such i had a nice moment with my crush, as she got 100 too. the plans i had got cancelled, which sucks but whatever. kinda scared over my chemistry test, at least everyone hated it too ig. i have a practice accounting test tomorrow, weirdly worried even tho i usually do fine.
yeah i don't know, this week sucked. i've ended up feeling more distant with myself and with others. i've felt more lost and hopeless than ever. i'm engaged in a weird state of arrogance and simultaneously self-loathing to oblivion. i've become more wary and worried over the way i act and how i'm affecting others. i feel more alien than usual, and i'm honestly starting to hate the people around me. at least i only have 1 more term and no more of that shithole of a school. just bad feelings for this entire week.
i wish i was more courageous
native talon
accounting test tomorrow, behind on biology and chemistry already, screwed for english, fucked over for math.
doing pretty good
aaaand we got a semester exam for chemistry and likely other subjects which is really scary even though they don't count towards that much it's still stressful
native talon
so tired of everything. I'm so sick of letting myself fail in virtually anything I do. i'm so sick of myself
native talon
gotta love my mum for saying again how much she doesn't believe in me and that i'm such a pos. at least have the guts to say it in front of my face for once. fucking hell i hate it here.
god maybe she's right
I hate myself
native talon
well I got my suit for my formal and it looks pretty cool imo
it's nothing too special compared to what I hear others are doing, just a black suit and tie with a white shirt. I'm also wearing a slightly lighter black waistcoat too which I really like.
native talon
kinda managed to finally stand up for myself against being shit on at school, which is a big deal for me, hopefully I can learn to be more assertive.
got the gat exam tomorrow which is basically nothing but yeah im thankfully not too stressed about it. good luck to everyone in the VCE hellhole!
native talon
Inside MysteryManGuy's mind
native talon
busy day tomorrow.
a biology test on the immune system which is giving me insane anxiety even though i've heard repeatedly that it's easy. there's pressure i put on myself to aim high, because biology is one of the only subjects i'm good at, and it's super competitive. all the information is excessive and barely sinking in my head, i'm freaking out about it more than anything at the moment.
but after the test, i leave school early and rush home, because in a couple i hours i have to be ready for my formal. it's gonna be busy for sure. i'm kinda keen on my formal, but i've been kinda apprehensive about formal moreso. i never had a night where i wore formalwear and did the sort of things associated, and i hear the food at the venue is really good too. other than that, i can't really think of a reason to be wildly excited about it. i'm honestly a little afraid, i don't really know what to expect, i'm with people i don't really have close connection with. there's pressure on me from others to stand out and look good, and it does not help considering i hate the way i look. at least it's just one night.
on another note, my sleep schedule lately has been absolutely fucked. i've been doing nothing but having on-off periods of falling asleep and waking up constantly throughout the nights. i have no idea how much sleep i'm getting, when i woke up, or when i slept, or what's going on. it always starts with me taking a break, trying to take a nap from extreme exhaustion, and chaos ensues and i end up getting nothing done that day. it's been ruining things a lot more than i would've expected. i really hope it doesn't affect me today of all days. hopefully i will conquer that. somehow.
but hey, end of this week and got the winter holidays, but i gotta work hard even more than i ever did this time.
native talon
formal.
to be frank, i'm not 100% sure what i thought of it. it was cool to see myself in formalwear, i got more compliments than i thought i would, and was told a lot that i had the look of a butler, waiter, the limo driver and such . i hung around a classmate's house with others waiting for our limo, and it didn't feel as drainingly distant as i thought it would, even though it kinda was distant. it was really cool to see everyone dressed up, i never saw anyone who didn't look incredible. the limo itself was pretty neat but i couldn't really enjoy the ride, not with a lot of people singing loudly and with vaping and drinking to go along with it.
the event itself was alright. the food was pretty decent, nothing amazing. there was a performance that was apparently mindblowing but i couldn't see much of it. i didn't want to dance, but i did briefly. there was a moment where i (technically) danced with my crush. my best friend won 'most likely to become prime minister' which was honestly deserved.
i kinda wish i did more myself. the event felt like some wake-up call to my general life in school. as cool as it was seeing everyone i knew, it was equally isolating for the kind of person i am. it felt like a consequence for the fact that i was generally an outsider. i remember a lot of the time i was following my best friend and when i was alone i walked around as if i had somewhere to be. i remember, perhaps contemptuously being stared at after they talked about a few things people were up to with each other, which confused me. it happened multiple times too.
there's a lot more that happened that i'm too tired to even think about, but i guess in general i didn't really have much feeling towards that night? i couldn't look back on it and think 'that was a great night', and vice versa. but at least i did it. i forced myself to dance and speak. i at least won't live with much regrets from now on.
but anyway, here's my 'butler' drip if anyone cares to see:
