I still miss you so much
#Sam’s (itissamm) journal of random writings
wanton nacelle
wanton nacelle
I still love you
Im finding it really hard to stop and ignore it
I should just move on
I'm trying to
but it doesn't seem to be working
wanton nacelle
I miss you today
Well I guess it isn’t just today
I’m trying to move on it’s a lot harder then I have ever thought it was
I think you are happy and that makes me feel good
I want you to be happy
wanton nacelle
I don’t want to love someone who doesn’t love me
wanton nacelle
Another day
It still hurts but Im going to try to focus on the fact that one day maybe we could be friends
I love you romantically and platonically
I know I’m always going to love you platonically
I don’t know about romantically I don’t even know what I want with that right now
wanton nacelle
I miss you a lot
wanton nacelle
Thank you for everything you did for me. I’m so glad you loved me, it was a miracle to be honest.
wanton nacelle
I’m not okay…
wanton nacelle
I still miss you
wanton nacelle
I’m so worried about someone who doesn’t even want to talk to me…
wanton nacelle
I want to stop loving you like you have stopped loving me… or well I think and feel like you have
Why can’t I stop loving you if you have stopped loving me
wanton nacelle
I wish you the best
I hope you find peace
I wish all your dreams come true
Do you want that for me too?
I hope you fall in love with the perfect person
I wish you to be one of the happiest people on earth
I hope you smile so often that it almost feels permanent
Do you want that for me too?
I wish you good health, physically and mentally
I hope you get to cook and bake all the things you want
I wish for you to get your dream job
Do you want that for me too?
I hope you get to dance with your true love, even though I don’t believe that will be me
I wish for the stars to align in your favor
I hope you sleep well every night
Do you want that for me too?
I wish for you to get home safe everyday
I hope you don’t regret anything
I wish for you to love life
Do you want that for me too?
A poem I wrote
wanton nacelle
I wish healing was easier but oh well
wanton nacelle
In my psychology class we took personality tests. One of them was color, I ended up getting your favorite color. This test said I was purple.
I think about how I wish to tell you this funny coincidence and then I remember that you probably don’t care to hear it. So I think about what you might have said in the past if I had told you this.
It would have probably been excitement and a cheesy statement of “well you’re my favorite, so that’s why you are my favorite color” or something along those lines.
I would have blushed and probably cried out of joy. Now I know today you would just ignore or maybe at the most say something like oh that’s nice or that’s not my favorite color anymore sorry
I think about the coincidence it was that we met when my hair was dyed purple, again your favorite color.
You liked my hair being purple, if I remember right you called it pretty
I wonder if purple is still your favorite color?
wanton nacelle
I found a letter to myself from when I was younger, I think 7th or 8th grade. Im pretty sure 7th though. So I'm going to answer it here!
I suppose hello past me, we don't go by Kai anymore. Haven't for awhile now. I don't really remeber how I was doing when I wrote that letter, but I'm not doing great. Oh we have been over them for awhileeee, it didn't take us long. Though we did find someone who we actually are taking a long time to get over. Experinced actual love. I haven't thought about them for awhile, but no I never found out what just for now means. I have gotten a binder. School is hard, not as many friends as I once had. Yeah for the most part everyone respects me. No I don't write that story anymore, me and E grew out of it. I don't have a favorite movie. No she's not my best friend anymore, I have a better one. Her name is Eda, trust me past me you meet her at the perfect time. Like a miracle. No I'm not still friends with that group, I don't really talk to any of them. My love life is a mess, in love with someone I can't be with. In love with someone who doesn't seem to love me. I'm in my senior year of highschool, going to graduate in a few months. Yep I still over think and think to much. Grandma passed away two years ago, everyone else I think is doing fine. Yeah only time will tell. You know what, life is hard right now but it has gotten better. -Love Current Sam
wanton nacelle
Life is complicated isn’t it lol
Things I don’t except to happen, happen all the time
wanton nacelle
Like is still very confusing
I want a manual to what I’m supposed to do in life like I don’t what choices to make and that scares me
I’m going to try to think of good things that have happened
I looked at a college and it was very cool, just quite far away from my home
But it’s a very cool art school that is well known in the art world but I don’t want to say what it is in case I go lol
Umm on the tour i complimented this girls outfit because it was really cool and just like nice
Overalls with like a nature shirt
My mom said that it seemed like it made the girl very happy because the parents kept talking to us and the girl then talked to her mom about the outfit
It felt nice to make someone feel good
I’ve been having a hard time still just in a much more confusing way
Like I guess agreeing to try to be friends in the future but I’m not quite sure when the future is
I kinda thought V meant now but I guess they didn’t because they just like are talking to me but it’s okay
We talked
And in someways explained what was happening in very a simple sense
Back to the good things ramble
I get to go home tomorrow and see my cat again
I miss her a lot
Cat reveal!!! Her name is Anna btw
Her she isss
I love her
She means a lot to me
I’m sad to leave her
I don’t want to leave her
But I guess I shouldn’t think about that
wanton nacelle
wanton nacelle
Close up??
uneven solstice
Why he/she is so mad? Lol
wanton nacelle
I’m going to learn how to love myself and love life again
Even if the people who I thought would be in it are no longer in it. I have great people and will hopefully meet more soon.
wanton nacelle
I’m really dysphoric right now and I have no one to talk to about it anymore
wanton nacelle
I don’t want people to continue giving up on me
wanton nacelle
I hope I’m not hard to love
I would like to be in love again someday
And have said person be in love with me
I hope I love again
And I hope love doesn’t hurt
Like it has
wanton nacelle
There is a V on my wall. The sun makes it. It makes me think of you. When I realized it I thought it meant you and me were meant to be. Look where that got me.
You never come online things so I feel like you made new accounts or I’m guessing because you would be online all the time
I love you but I’m done. I’m done hurting. I can’t love you forever like I said because you didn’t love me forever. I’m done. It’s over.
wanton nacelle
The best thing for healing I have found is to have people who get you
It’s nice to have a best friend I know will answer me whenever I need them
It’s a great things that I hope I can make them feel in return
wanton nacelle
Today is hard
It’s still hard to believe I probably won’t ever talk to them again… talk to V. I really wanted to be friends with them. So I could keep them in my life. But I guess that isn’t the plan or way life is going.
wanton nacelle
I’m trying though
wanton nacelle
It’s really hard
But I know there has to be someone out there for me. That won’t hide me like V did. I see that now, because they don’t hide this girl. They flaunt her. Oh well. There is someone out there who will love me right. I hope it is a girl. I prefer girls I think. I guess I shouldn’t be picky. Oh well. Someone is out there for me
They have to be
wanton nacelle
I’m going to believe there is someone out there. It makes me feel good
wanton nacelle
I don’t want to miss her anymore
She doesn’t miss me. She left so easily
It hurts
I don’t want to be in love with her anymore
I’m done
I’m tired
I’m thinking about deleting a lot of social media’s for a bit. But idk yet
wanton nacelle
It’s hard to believe still that the person I wanted to be so badly in my life just left so fast. No goodbye… just gone. It hurts but I guess idk the future maybe we will meet again. Or maybe not
I just wish it didn’t hurt so bad
wanton nacelle
I don’t want to hurt anymore
wanton nacelle
Have finally looked at all of the schools
I still don’t know which one I want to go to
Very confusing and stressful
wanton nacelle
I’m never going to hear from her again, I don’t believe. That really hurts. I thought they would be in my life for a long while. I guess not
wanton nacelle
If she ever does reach out again, I will answer in a very blunt tone. I will not show the caring part of me, but the part that strangers see. Obviously that’s all she wants to be. If she comes back she better not expect me to be her friend. They hurt me, they hurt me all the time. It’s almost like she doesn’t know how not to. So I’m tired of it, you don’t get to play with my feelings while you have none towards me, and then leave! No I’m not doing that stuff anymore. You think your life is better without me, great I want your life to be amazing. But if you change your mind on that I’m not going to let you in, unless she has changed. But I would need proof because idk if she can change for me.
wanton nacelle
Life is going to go up from here. I know it, one day life is going to be great and I will be grateful for the hard times
wanton nacelle
I’m saying good bye to the person I used to be, because so long now I wanted to go back to that person. I was happy then, but I realized recently that if I stayed that person, I wouldn’t have wanted to leave for new experiences because I would be scared to miss the old ones. While I realize that I’m not really happy right now, I want new experiences really badly, because I know those past experiences are in the past. There is no way to miss them when I already lived them.
So I’m okay with life changing. Life changes all the time. Sometimes when we want and sometimes when we don’t. But I’m going to work with the cards I was dealt and look at the good sides of those cards
wanton nacelle
I finally said goodbye. Yeah I don’t think you will ever see it but I don’t like leaving without a proper goodbye. So I did what I needed to do for myself finally. I can’t wait for someone who doesn’t love me. That’s pointless, if we are meant for each other we will find each other, if we are not then I will never see you again. Thank you for everything.
wanton nacelle
I will get through this
wanton nacelle
I think I’m going to delete discord for this week
wanton nacelle
I just need to put this somewhere and then I’m probably deleting discord again for the rest of the week. I’m scared of losing my best friend. I’ve lost three in my life and I don’t want to lose her. She was like a miracle that came into my life. We became friends when I was at one of my lowest points of life where I didn’t know if I could make it to the next day. Though she gave me hope, I don’t want to lose that. Do I over think every text because I’m waiting for her to leave like other people did. I know she is not them, my mother (oh how she tries so hard to reassure me) says that she is not like those other people. But my mom also said that about the last two. They leave with no warning, just stop responding to me.
I fear I’m going to become too much to handle. I love her like family, I really don’t know what I would do if I lost her. I make up ways that I might fail her or ruin everything. It’s unrealistic. Things such as I talk to much or I will fall in love with her. I know I won’t. But my brain screams what if. I’ve always been scared of things like this when it came to best friends, well since the first one left. That simply just being me is going to ruin what makes me happy. So I’m sorry if you read this, which I think you might. This is not some weird way of being like I’m in love with you, that’s just the part of my brain that thinks I will always ruin good things. I don’t know if you know my friend that I fear this as much as I do. That when you don’t answer my first thought is not again. I’m trying really hard to be too much, like spam when there is no reply. I just fear. I fear being left, I fear being alone.
If I’m ever too much to handle for anyone in my future or current… I hope instead of leaving with no goodbye, they try to help me be better.
I’m sorry that I worry so much about you my best friend. I just can’t get this past experiences out of my head.
wanton nacelle
I think I’m okay now. To be on discord like once in a while.
But I keep being put in a place of how do I stop feeling so lonely
My closest friend lives no where near me
And the other friends I don’t feel comfortable talking to them when I don’t feel great
So how do I stop being lonely?
Make friends, but I live in a small town and I know everyone also I’ll be leaving for school in less than a year so I feel like making new friends is almost pointless
I just don’t want to feel lonely anymore
wanton nacelle
I think I miss the feeling of being in love.
I’ve never felt this way but I guess I never was in love before her. I know I wasn’t, but I imagine that’s why I miss it now, when before I couldn’t care less.
But it’s like such a good feeling to be in love and have it be mutual. That I want it again.
But I’m not ready for it again, which is very confusing
So I get sad not because I miss my ex, I know it’s better. I don’t think me and her were the best for one another.
Though I get sad because I just want that company of a partner, the knowing someone loves you so much and is always there. I miss that
I don’t know how to fill the void in a healthy way, because the only way I can think of is find a new relationship, but I know I really shouldn’t be in one.
My mental health isn’t great so I wouldn’t be as good as a partner as I would like to be.
It’s so confusing, I have no clue how to fill this times of sadness.
I just want to feel better again.
I don’t want to miss what wasn’t going to last… not that I entirely do but I hate that I miss something that hurt me so much.
wanton nacelle
I don’t miss her. I miss who I was with her. I don’t miss someone who was able to leave three times with no care and each time made me believe she was going to stay. Yeah no I don’t want that
I’ll never want that. I miss the comfort of being in love, knowing someone was always there. Though I now realize that friends are very good at that too, being there even when busy.
wanton nacelle
I’m still having a hard time
It’s hard to come on discord even though they don’t use that account anymore
wanton nacelle
I had the realization that I don’t love my ex anymore
I mean I’m glad I fell in love you know
Got that first heartbreak stuff over with
I still wish her the best but like I don’t think about her ever
Just once in a blue moon something might stick out but it goes away quick
I also don’t miss her
We weren’t the best couple
I don’t miss being constantly scared and to the points of panic attacks because she made me feel like she was going to leave
I think I’m happy being single again
It’s nice to try to actually love myself
Figure out all these things
Not be so concerned with someone else you forget about yourself
Not saying that is what a relationship was but that’s what mine looked like
I had fully convinced myself her problems were worse so my didn’t matter
It’s nice to matter to myself again
I kinda forgot who I was through everything
People leave, and it hurts every time, but it’s normal. Life changes and we grow apart
Though I hope I do find the people who will stay soon.
I try not to think about the future like that, just think about myself and no else when it comes to the future
Then live in the moment with the people around me
wanton nacelle
I just gotta tell you that I have moved on. I don’t think of you much. Thanks for the good times we had, and with you leaving I met my best friend. She is everything to me. First person that I’m not related to, to not leave me at my lost moments. It’s funny to me sometimes because I met her at my lowest. I mean I still think of you like once in a while, very rarely now. It does hurt in someways but not the same. I guess the part that hurts is that you left like everyone else and you said you wouldn’t. A goodbye would have been nice. But it doesn’t bother me anymore. I’m finally admitting to myself I have ocd and actually getting help with it. I hate it a bit. Like I feel like I have no support system because I’m scared to actually admit the extent of it. Like how do I try to get support from the people around me in something like this. I mean my ocd is about someone’s death being my fault. I can’t believe I’m actually saying this in a place people would read. I never had this with mental health, like I don’t judge other people with ocd it’s just idk I grew up my whole life thinking this was a normal fault process. To constantly remind yourself of guilt. But back to what I was saying before, I think if we were still together I would have never admitted to my therapist the extents of ocd. I was always so worried about helping you that I never cared about myself. Hell I would cry myself to sleep most nights and never tell anyone because I viewed your problems as worse. Honestly while life is hard I’m quite happy. I mean I don’t talk to many people out of the fear of them leaving… if I don’t talk to them then it isn’t my fault they left right? I know kinda stupid. But I’m content, it no longer saddens me to not have a bunch of close friends, I’ve started to actually enjoy my own company. It’s pretty easy to when you talk to yourself though. I have my best friend, my family, and the kid that will forever be like a little brother to me.
I feel guilty I don’t reach out to him a lot. But luckily he is your typical guy’s guy. Where if you don’t talk to him for a month and then message him out of the blue he will act like you talked yesterday.
Well I think I’m going to delete discord again. It’s just easier to not think about the past when it is not on my phone. I check in once in a while that’s it. But I need to ramble
wanton nacelle
Well I’m back and alive
I finally decided to do what I’ve been wanting to do and unadded my ex on stuff
I think I’m going to keep discord but like probably never go on it
Also I’m happy with who I am again or well I’m starting to be once again
wanton nacelle
I didn’t even realize that a huge anniversary went by yesterday. It didn’t hurt like I thought it would. It’s nice to be over them. I mean we weren’t together that long so I guess that’s probably why it’s been easier. I don’t even think about them until moments like these where it’s kinda a surprise that it doesn’t hurt anymore
wanton nacelle
I just wanted to say to anyone who reads this I hope your day is good and if not I’m sorry and I hope that it gets better.
I’ve realized a lot while being kinda offline everything. My ocd is worse than I thought but while at first I felt scared of it and ashamed of it. I feel okay with it. So what if I have ocd! And it can be pretty hard and bad at times! It makes me who I am!
I’ve always viewed labels as a good thing. Like allergies, it’s good to know you are allergic to something because then you can manage through life with the knowledge of how to handle it. I guess that’s what I get with growing up with a sibling that is allergic to tree nuts (which is in everything it feels like!!) labels are comforting to me, I feel like when it’s really bad I can separate myself from it almost and be like this isn’t the only way I can be.
OCD is weird though and i realize everyday sense I realized I had it
I’m going to talk about some stuff that might be triggering so please read with caution or don’t read at all. Thank you stay safe and take care
||I fear killing people through sickness. I think when ever I get sick I have some really bad illness and I’m going to spread it to people and then deal with the fact that I caused it to spread. This lead to skin picking. I hate that I skin pick. I feel gross about it but it is what it is and I’m trying to find healthier ways to handle that compulsion. I also force myself to sit and think about things people have tried to shame me about. Like I’m watching old family videos except they make me feel sad and guilty. Guilty that I can’t be enough for these people. I’ve gotten disturbing intrusive thoughts that were gruesome. I’m not going to talk about them. It was just hard I don’t get them often, rarely I’ve only had it two times. But two times to many||
But life throws stuff at you I guess. Kinda like base ball just gotta try to make a home run out of it! I know very little about baseball so I don’t know why I’m comparing it… oh well I just guess I got sad looking at the why people cried thing and wanted to just talk in this
I wish people didn’t have to feel sad. I wish I could help more people. One day maybe I will through teaching, I hope so. But I guess I just wanted to talk about something hard I went through and kinda just talk about how I’m dealing with it to maybe make someone feel more confident in dealing with their own hard stuff
I was remembering recently one thing that kept me alive during some really hard times. It was the fact that I didn’t want to be another number, another kid that was gone. I wanted to prove it all wrong, that I wasn’t going to be another tally to the list of mentally unstable teens that took their own life. It angered me the idea of that. Of being dehumanize possibly because I struggled! I hated the idea of being labeled as selfish, so this desire to prove my brain and others wrong kept me going. I’m glad it did. I’m going to be an adult soon… graduating high school soon. I remember being 10 and thinking I wouldn’t make it to 14. So turning 18 would be unbelievable to that kid! I don’t really know what I’m rambling about anymore but maybe this ramble will make someone feel a little better I guess was the whole idea.
I hope everyone who sees this has a good day, afternoon, or night. I give you a hug and a pat of the back. And sense I’ve been called a dad so much in my years of life (I’ve been compared to being the dad friend so much I think that is the only way I know how to act now) I just want to you all I’m proud of you and you might not realize it but you’re doing amazing because you are trying. It’s hard but I believe in you and you got this!
wanton nacelle
Here is a cat picture. I’ve had a long day so for anyone else enjoy my adorable cat. I love her
wanton nacelle
I’m becoming happy again
wanton nacelle
OKAY IM COMING TO COMPLAIN! So my best friend lives far away from right. So her birthday is soon but I can’t do anything for it so I’m sobbing (not actually more just annoyed that I can’t give her a present) and like also another thing with that like I would love to have her come to my graduation but that can’t happen eitherrrrr
But I swear even if she doesn’t want to (jk) I will meet her and be the best friend that I am destined to be!! She is like family to me which is crazy because we haven’t known each other that long but we talk everyday about the most serious to the silliest stuff
That what I love about her! She just understands me! So like she better have the best birthday ever or I will beat up the world…
Okay that’s all
wanton nacelle
Why do people argue, fight and yell?
Why do I not like to do that when I feel like most the people I know like some part of it
The whole being right thing
Why is it when I go to see why my family is arguing I get yelled at?
Like I was the one yelling the whole time instead of in my room not feeling good
My brother is trying to get me to say he is right in the argument he is having with my mom. My dad yells at me and him because my brother is asking me questions and I haven’t said a word
Why is it always my fault
wanton nacelle
Okay. I need to not overthink things. I talked to my two future roommates which is cool! I’m worried of loosing my friend but I know realistically she is just busy with school stuff. College is a little scary still. Today was nice though, had a half day so I just hung out with people because teachers didn’t make us do anything.
wanton nacelle
I don’t really know why I worry about people leaving. I hate that I do!
wanton nacelle
I’m just going to talk about my friends who I haven’t talked to or seen in a bit
Life got busy you know… we would play dnd every Friday, hung out all the time
I don’t think there was ever a thing we didn’t do without each other. But L and B graduated and got jobs, O is home schooled, C I still talk to, never see A sense she is a lot younger and hung out with us because of being O’s younger sister
Then I got busy with graduating and getting ready for college
I invited them all to my graduation and I still text with B once in a while, L was never good at answering texts but I miss them
I miss them all
They were like family to me
Still are even with not talking to them often
They all wished me happy birthday
That was nice to know they didn’t forget me especially L
I’m so grateful for the best friend I have now, trust me. She is amazing. It’s just she lives far away from me, when these people lived in my town.
I just miss hanging out with people
It gets lonely when you spend every weekend alone
Then I think about summer and go wow that’s going to be lonely isn’t it
wanton nacelle
I DID IT!!! I GRADUATED!!!
wanton nacelle
I’m always so worried I’m going to mess something up…. I hate when people are distant because it freaks me out but I also feel bad asking about it
wanton nacelle
I think if I spend any longer with my brother I’m going to scream :)
wanton nacelle
I really want to play games and talk to my friend… but he is busy a lot or just is doing something else. It’s making me really sad but I also feel guilty and like I’m bothering him
It makes me feel lonely too
I wish it was easier
wanton nacelle
I hate realizing that my ex still has an effect on me. I’m so scared people are going to get mad at me no matter what I do because of her… I hate it
wanton nacelle
So it’s been a bit sorry
I moved into college today
And I’m 10 hours away from home
I miss my cat so much
I’ve cried a lot
I hate that I won’t have my mom with me
I miss home and right now I’m trying not to cry because I have roommates
And I don’t have my cat to comfort me
I’m so anxious and overwhelmed already
I don’t feel like I can do this
wanton nacelle
I hate it here
wanton nacelle
My parents just went home… I miss them
wanton nacelle
I miss my mom so much. Me and her are so close
I hate not having my mom I know it’s weird to say that but it is
I know she is just a text or call away but gosh I wish she was right next to me
wanton nacelle
I miss my mom. I miss spending time with her
wanton nacelle
I’m trying
wanton nacelle
I think my depression is getting bad again…
The only time I feel truly like myself is when I’m talking to my parents
wanton nacelle
It’s been a bit… umm college is weird
I’ve made friends who are amazing
And super kind
I still have my close friends from before college which is also nice
Dorm life isn’t the best
Feel like I can’t relax or let my emotions go
So I’ve been getting really angry lately because I’ve been holding everything but good emotions in
They are nice but it’s just difficult
wanton nacelle
Hate loud noises. They suck. Why do people have to be loud at night
wanton nacelle
When i don’t feel good I want to go home. My actual home not a dorm room
wanton nacelle
I feel selfish
I feel selfish for wishing people would be more quiet
I wish I didn’t have noise sensitivity issues
I feel so selfish for getting upset about loud noises
I don’t mean to
It just happens
I try not to get to this point
I don’t mean to
wanton nacelle
I want to go home.
wanton nacelle
I wish my family didn’t have to leave tomorrow
wanton nacelle
I want my mom
wanton nacelle
I want to go home
One of my roommates yells all the time and I have noise sensitivity issues
wanton nacelle
There is a part of me that regrets going so far away from home
A huge part of me
There is a lot of days that don’t feel worth it
Whenever I’m in my dorm with my roommates around it doesn’t feel worth it
Whenever I have a bad day it doesn’t feel worth it
Everyday I don’t have a class I like it doesn’t feel worth it
But I know it is… it has to be
This is a opportunity I don’t think I would get anywhere else
But I would do anything for it to be closer to home
I miss home
I want to go home
I haven’t been home sense August which might not seem long but it is when it’s the first time
My family left to go back home
Now I won’t see them until my thanksgiving break
I would do anything to be able to go home sooner
It’s not fair
I want my home
wanton nacelle
Hello. I hate my dorm. I hate it. I’m not respected by my roommates. I ask them to be quiet at night. They yell. I’m angry. I’m so angry. Because then they apologize so they knew what they were doing. I’m so so angry. They don’t care
They never care
wanton nacelle
I’m worried that one of my roommates told the other two roommates I was having a hard time with them and have been thinking about possibly changing rooms
wanton nacelle
The fear of being home alone has come back