my brain really hurts and school is starting in a day
#Amia’s venting space.
woeful blade
anyways there’s this quote I saw on twitter, it’s from “the good place”
"If he has truly changed, then he was always capable of change. I just wasn't worth changing for.."
I’m probably taking this quote out of context because it’s been so long since I watched the show I genuinely can’t remember what happened in it
the quote might relate to my theory on the universe (9,10), the good place was a heaven-like utopia
- probably meaning there isn’t a lot of change since it’s perfect
and so I think the quote really shows the flaw of a place (or space? Since there isn’t time in ‘Heaven’ I don’t think) that is “perfect” and most importantly, unchanging.
in a place where everything is supposedly ‘perfect’ then every bad thing that happens can only be blamed on the individual as shown in “I just wasn’t worth changing for”
woeful blade
Well this is a VERY different entry compared to yesterday in terms of tone but AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA WHAT THE FUCK????
IM GENUINELY CONSIDERING DROPPING OUT RIGHT NOW IDK IF I CAN DO THIS ANYMORE
any motivation to study for my yearly exams is OUT OF THE WINDOW rn
if I’m gonna fail I’m gonna fail while HATING THE SCHOOL
I’m literally going to fail out of spite
but you know what Kaz Brekker once said?
“Never make decisions out of fear. Only out of spite.”
PREACH 🙏🙏🙏
I don’t get it
why
I already have no one to talk to during break times
I already have nothing else to do
Even when I’m on my phones I’m still bored but at least it was SOMETHING
now I really have nothing to do
at this point I’m just going to give up eating and be on my phone in the bathroom
woeful blade
hopefully I get at least four hours of sleep before first day of the term
woeful blade
I’m llosing my mind lol
woeful blade
saying that i must heal from my mental illnesses or 'get better' because it affect others is sanist and saying that i must heal to be able to contribute to the society is ableist idc what anyone says
like leave me the fuck alone even if i am mentally and physically well i dont want to contribute to society FUCK OFF
how dare people have a functional mind while i dont this isn’t fair burn them all !! /nsrs
woeful blade
saying that i must heal from my mental illnesses or 'get better' because it affe...
like- THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU OR OTHER PEOPLE OR SOCIETY IT'S ABOUT ME GOD DAMMIT
woeful blade
Unraveled Labyrinth
How terrible it is to love something that death can touch.
In the dimly lit room, shadows danced like mad spectres on the peeling wallpaper. The ticking of the antique clock on the mantel offered no respite from the relentless passage of time. She sat there, a girl teetering on the precipice of sanity, her heart an anxious metronome, pounding out a rhythm only she could hear. Her obsession was a flame that consumed her from within, a love that had no place in the boundaries of society. She was her muse, a siren whose haunting allure beckoned her into the abyss. In her absence, she felt the torment of separation, like a prisoner shackled to the relentless beat of her own delusions.
Her apartment was a mirage, a canvas mirroring the labyrinthine corridors of her brilliant genius. Paintings, abstract and perpetually incomplete, graced the walls, each stroke was a whispered plea to bridge the chasm between her unyielding desires and reality. She pondered, in those moments, if this was the burden of an extraordinary mind, a descent into the enigmatic realms of brilliance where the thin line between artistry and madness became indistinguishable.
|| ||
The world outside the window moved on, oblivious to her torment. Cars rushed by, people passed in fleeting conversations, but her world was confined to this room. She could no longer distinguish the line between the girl she loved and the madness that clung to her memory. Days turned into nights, and nights into a never-ending cycle of fevered dreams. Her mind was a fractured mirror, reflecting back the fragments of her obsession. In the midst of it all, she grasped at the ephemeral, desperate to capture the essence of her love, her own delusion, her sanity. In her madness, she was both prisoner and captor, bound by the insatiable desire that had consumed her soul. It was the love itself that became the ghost, haunting the corridors of her mind, driving her further into the abyss of her own creation.
How terrible it was to love something that death could touch.
smt i wrote for school :p
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1PWGK-ftLwfSu5r8Km9ueYIM0P_7R7LR3XDOsel42mZ8/edit?usp=sharing
a document where I'm going to try to organise a silly theory of mine and try to make it more coherent and easier to read for people I want to talk to about this (jokes i have no one to talk to about this)
i feel so silly using times new roman
woeful blade
the monster went into my closet and got scared by what it found
woeful blade
I hate when people touch me. I seem to just hate the way skin feels on skin, like an obscure amount for someone that doesn’t have any past trauma related to skin-on-skin contact. I just hate it and I don’t know why.
Sometimes I feel like a freak for it, when I would just lash out at people that accidentally touched my hand, or my mum when she taps me on the shoulder if I’m not wearing something that covers it.
Once I wore a dress that was sleeveless and didn’t cover my neck, a friend hugged me and I pushed her, harder than I should’ve, I shouldn’t have pushed her at all. She fell and she cried from how much it hurt. I don’t understand, why am I acting like other people are monsters when I’m the monster? It was just a hug, a show of affection, it was something good, something everyone should be able to enjoy. I almost threw up after that, I can still vaguely remember how it felt, it felt disgusting.
woeful blade
im sso happy with my physics notes i think it's my favourite study note set up
i hope i can actually update it and not just bench it wwwww
the colours look good on dark mode as well !! :D
woeful blade
I found a blackberry tree when I was walking around school !
woeful blade
my old-ish wounds that havent scarred are bleeding again from me scratching it too much
woeful blade
errrrrrrr going to a new math tutor today because one of my mum’s friends is recommending her tutoring places again ahahaha (idk who it is but Ricky when I catch you Ricky…)
I really hope it’s not shit lol but it probably will be like the teacher sounds pretty fucking ass
also,,,,, my dad was like “do you not need to bring stuff (as in like notebook, stationery) to go?” And I was like “no one told me…?” because I’ve been to tutoring places where like for example my old math tutor always has spare pens and calculator on her I don’t need to bring anything when I go other than occasionally a booklet she gave to me, which in this case I wouldn’t have any because it’s the first lesson !!
and then my dad was like “it’s common sense” (to bring school stuff to tutoring)
❓❓❓❓❓
No the fuck it isn’t?????
or maybe it is I’m just a dumb bitch
it starts in about 14 minutes and I just wanna say if they take away my phone/don’t let me listen to music I’m out of there
woeful blade
IT WAS KIND OF FUN I FEEL LIKE I ACTUALLY LEARNT STUFF !!!
woeful blade
Food but idk what it is I’ve never had it before going to try it :D
(I love trying new food)
It’s really good!! It’s like profiterole except with hard mochi inside instead of cream
but I still prefer profiteroles lol
ERRRR green still looks like shit but it’s whatever
woeful blade
I DONT WANT TO SEE PEOPLE TOMRROW AT SCHOOL
GOD
I WQANT TO KILL MYSELF JUST THINKING ABOUT IT
"watch me turn this (subject) lesson into a (another subject) revision session 😜 " OKAY???? I DONT FUCKING CARE???? SHUT THE FUCK UP???????
FUCK
woeful blade
My ed relapsed
woeful blade
i lost 2kg in 3 days
woeful blade
Exam week starts tomorrow and the insanity is hitting
just had a day dream I bombed the school and killed everyone that survived this is my heathers JD era
if one person says anything along the lines of “there’s people going through more than you and they’re not like this” I’m either dropping out or killing myself mark my words
sometimes I wonder if the only reason I haven’t killed someone or some animal yet is because I hate my hands so much and I wouldn’t wish getting killed by those hands for my worst enemy
going to liquid fast from Monday to Wednesday this is all school’s fault
I hate it so much
sometimes I think about what my life could’ve been if school just wasn’t such a hellhole
I don’t know whether to hate all the schools I went to or be jealous of the people who didn’t have their life ruined by school
maybe in another world I’ll spend my weekends playing ranked on games or going to escape rooms with friends instead of laying in my bed terrified over exams but too paralyzed to do anything about it
Maybe I’d be vomiting into the toilet because I had too much to drink on a party night out with friends instead of feeling bad for eating one extra slice of pizza that I didn’t plan to
everytime I want to end it all I can always still find something positive in life to latch onto but that thing is always gone in the next 6 months
I keep telling myself that this life might be worth living but I can’t do that if life keeps proving me wrong
Eating whatever I want rn others call it binging I call it metabolism day LMAO
woeful blade
I’m not saying I won’t have the mental illnesses I have now without school (though maybe I won’t have some of them) but I do think school is the main factor of why I’m not getting any better
woeful blade
i think im finally losing my mind lmao