...Kelsey just confessed to me I think.
#Lee's Silly Mind
cerulean flint
Anyways.
He said that he loved me in a not platonic way.
I said that I also did, and that it was obvious that he did.
But apparently he just forgot about it because now we're telling inside jokes to each other.
I'm fine with that :3
We already both act like we're dating.
We've dated before. We never really even broke up.
I want to be his boyfriend. Anyways!
cerulean flint
I'm talking with Kelsey right now!
cerulean flint
... My chess teacher, Ms Armijo outed me to my mom. Now she knows that I'm trans. She didn't take it well and it was horrible. I try not to think about it that much, it does bother me but I pretend it doesn't.
cerulean flint
Trigger Warning: ||Self Harm||
||I've been self harm free for over a month now. It's been hard and occasionally I would have dreams of cutting myself. But I'm proud that I've made it this far I guess!||
cerulean flint
Me and Kelsey are matching profile pictures!!
I'm honestly surprised. We've been dating for almost 8 months. The longest relationship I've ever kept. I'm trying really hard to make it work!
School is finally out. I had a mental breakdown on the bus because I didn't want it to end. I didn't want to leave Kelsey.
Today was a half day, meaning we leave at 12:10 pm instead of 3:30 pm. We started with the 7th grade rewards ceremony, and since my little sister is in 7th grade, I was able to watch her before the 8th grade rewards and graduation ceremony!
I got a decent amount of rewards. My grades at the end were 5 As and 1 C, which was in math. I don't want to talk about how my teachers were because they aren't relevant anymore. Except for Ms. Silva. She sucks at teaching. She was my teacher in 6th grade which is why I had a D in her class. Then in 7th grade, I got a new math teacher, Ms. Kazhe. I always had an A in her class. Then in 8th grade this year, I found out that Ms. Silva started teaching at the middle school and was going to be my math teacher. Of course, I hardly passed her class. And now, lucky me, she's coming to teach at the high school with me. It's like she wants me to be miserable.
Anyways, after the rewards ceremony, we had a few minutes left of 6th period, so we went there.
My schedule.
1st: English, Ms. Satathite. She taught at my elementary school before Covid, so she's familiar and a wonderful teacher.
2nd: Science, Mr. Allen. He is my 6th grade science teacher's husband, so he's familiar and also a wonderful teacher.
3rd: Math, Ms. Silva.
4th: History, Mr. Sorden. I thought I would hate him, but he wasn't so bad. He was funny too.
5th: 1st semester: Chess, Ms. Armijo. She was also my 7th grade english teacher and I hate her. 2nd semester: Health, Ms. Mendez. She was my 7th grade gym teacher, so she's familiar. Her class was peaceful and easy.
6th: Art, Ms. Holman. I thought I wouldn't care but it ended up being my favorite class. She said I was really talented and gave me personal gifts.
That doesn't matter now.
So, during 6th period, there weren't many kids left. Just me, Kelsey, Mia, Audrey, and Lily. We just stood and talked! Kelsey hugged me. For a long time. I tried so hard not to cry thinking about how I won't be able to see him over the summer. ||That and I'm 100 % positive that he's going to kill himself this summer.|| After that, we had lunch, since on half days, we eat lunch at 12:10 pm then leave instead of eating lunch after 4th period and leaving at 3:30 pm. Me, Kelsey, Sophia, Keith, Koray, Scarlet, and a bunch of other people sat together. It made me happy. I ate a pear, apple sauce and orange juice. Kelsey had pizza!
Usually, the staff would be strict about us sitting down and eating, but again, most people got checked out, so everyone was up dancing to the music or playing around. They even let us have candy, chips, and soda of our choice before we left. I was making my way toward the exit when Kelsey called me. He said "Jacket." and proceeded to give me his jacket. A brown one, which is oversized on me. He walked away and I said nothing. I had to get on my bus quickly and that's when I had my breakdown! :3
As soon as I arrived at school, Kelsey gave me a bag. I didn't open it until the end of the day, but it was a blue and green dinosaur squishmallow, strawberry Pocky, and my favorite candy! I felt horrible since all I gave him was a cheesy love letter...
Kelsey and I have been dating for almost 8 months, but we still haven't kissed. I know I shouldn't rush it but still. I can't I'm too nervous. :(. We have a good relationship though I think.
He first confessed to me on 9/30/23, so I owe him something on the 30th of every month. :).
Kelsey and I met in 6th grade by the way!!
My friends this year.
Jay. She was very nice. She hung out with me when no one else would. I'm going to Wet N' Wild this summer with her! Since our birthdays are 1 day apart, we share it.
Koray. We don't really talk much but when we do, we connect really well. He's really cool!
Angel. He moved to Florida sadly. He was kind but he talked to Kelsey more than he did me. He sort of just gave me head pats. We're still in touch. :).
Lily. She's a 7th grade friend of mine. We only have 6th period together but she's really nice and gives me a lot of head pats.
Z. 7th grade friend. I'm usually the one giving her head pats. Our friend group is big on those. She's really funny and nice.
Lily. No, not the one I just talked about. She's tall and skinny, really funny. We don't talk much but we're cool with hanging out with each other!
||I cut myself a lot since I last messaged here. I've finally made a change though. I threw out all my blades because I've decided that the thought of cutting myself scares me. I don't know why I'm just deciding this because I've cut myself since October of 2022.||
I'm doing a lot better though! ^_^.
About me though.
I'm Lee. A 14 year old sensitive loser boy who enjoys fruit, ||gore,|| my boyfriend, video games, brown, green, blue, orange, nature, sunsets, painting, drawing, reading, writing, and music genres such as indie, math, rock, and metal! ||I actually want to tie myself to the train tracks outside my house.||
Lee's Sanity!!
Don't even worry about that!<3
cerulean flint
It's the 2nd day of summer. I've already stayed awake all night. Well, it's 1:27 am right now, but I so totally am staying awake!!
I really miss Kelsey. ||I'm pretty sure he's already killed himself.|| There's not one day that will go by this summer that I won't think about seeing him again when school starts. We were blessed with this awesome thing where we can't see each other outside of school because we're too young and we have strict parents!
I still have his jacket. ||It worries me to think about why he gave it to me.|| I'm super glad he did though. I might not wear it, because it's obviously summer, but it smells like him and oh my gosh.
Last summer I stayed awake for two days straight, when I wasn't a fan of Nirvana, I heard Nirvana. Like a speaker inside of my brain that I couldn't yet could control even if I didn't know the lyrics. Come As You Are. I now know the name of the song. I hope it doesn't happen again because I think I was going insane!
Oh. God I'm not okay. ||I think I might be a sadist.||
||I'm so pathetic. I couldn't even cut that deep no matter how angry I was.||
||I've stopped caring about how my body looks. I refuse to look in the mirror or like at my body willingly at all, but I've stopped getting dressed in the dark. And I wore shorts for the first time at school a few days ago! I started eating more too. Just really fruits though. I love fruits. But I'm getting so much better.||
It's 1:43 am. 1:43. 143. Omori fans will get it.<3
I don't know why I'm so serious. ^_^
Maybe I can't do this. I can't stay awake.
I really love books. I didn't love reading so much last year when Ms. Armijo made us read a long book every month and present it in a detailed way. This year though, Ms. Satathite was different. She only made us do a less detailed presentation 4 times. I was able to read books I actually enjoyed.
More Than We Can Tell: Kelsey introduced me to it in 7th grade, and I wanted to present it so I reread it! ||It's about abuse and sexual harassment.|| I loved it!
A Mango Shaped Space: I liked the cat on the cover. It's about a girl with synesthesia, a mix of the 5 senses! I loved it.
Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe: Kelsey also introduced me to this! It also has a sequel and it's mainly about two boys who fall inlove and help each other with their issues! I loved it so much!
Dear Evan Hansen: I saw it from across the room on the shelf and I immediately recognized it from the soundtrack. It was so well written! ||It's about Evan, who had to lie about being a dead kid's best friend. It was actually very tragic.|| I loved it.
Those four I did presentations on, which I did perfectly of course.
The others, I... I don't know. Funsies!
Fish In A Tree: I bought it from a thrift store. It's about a girl named Ally who struggles with dyslexia. I loved it.
Thwonk: I found it in the library and I know many other of Joan Bauer's books. It's about a girl who finds a cupid and forces Peter's love on her, which she ultimately regrets. I loved it.
A Child Called It: A classmate presented it, so one day I found it laying around and... ||I stole it.|| x3! ||It's about a kid named David who was horribly abused and neglected.|| I loved it.
Plenty more I don't feel like getting into. I hope there will be more books at the high school!!
My mom says I'm on my phone too much. That isn't true. I only ever use it to talk to Kelsey and my friends! Besides, I read all the time. I love it. I love writing too. I'm trying to write my own books! I'm so totally not that good but I love making my own little stories using my own little very powerful words with such silly characters that can be anything I want them to!
I got into english honors. Ms. Satathite said she loved everything I did this year and that I would be a good candidate! Kelsey got into that class too, so I guess that's one of the only reasons I accepted. It said that the class would be very hard and I'm afraid. I have to read two books for the summer and do super long papers for them!! The Great Gatsby and The Old Man and the Sea! :(. I really don't wanna. My mom didn't even seem proud that I got in, she just signed my permission and sent me off.
Since I'm going into 9th grade, It'll just be a 10th grade english class.
Fuck.
Lee's Silly Mind
Yeah!
It's come to my attention how bored, lonely, and miserable I am. What kind of weirdo sits in his bed at 2:16 am and writes in some stupid online diary?!
I'm going to have nobody this summer. I'm going to do nothing. Maybe rot in bed. Read. Write. Get locked in an endless cycle of sleep and waking. Messing shit up and making it better again! There's no hope for me. :3
What if I never see Kelsey again and I'll never be able to see him again. :(.
Anyways, um. I have a piece of writing I guess. I wrote it during science class because I'm so very smart and I don't need to pay attention. Shout out to anyone who knows where it's from!
I don't remember much less than a lot of pain. I think I blocked out most of the fight. Not wanting to let myself think it, know it, feel it.
My hands feel the coldness of the sheets. They aren't warm like mine are back at home. A bright sunlight seeps through the window, creating that sort of glowing red color in your vision like when you look at the sun and close your eyes.
I force my eyes to open and my heart sinks when I realize where I am. I see a hospital, so white and clean.
My eyes scan the unfamiliar room. An assortment of plants lay on the floor. No nurses. No doctors. No loved ones. Then I feel guilty. I remember Basil. He stabbed my eye, didn't he? He didn't mean it though. Basil is a good person. A good person wouldn't do something like that. And then I wonder where he is. I bet he's here too.
Somewhere.
I don't want to, but I feel my cold tears run from my eye down to my cheek. I bring my fists up to my face.
Not right now. Not right now. I repeat to myself.
Pushing myself out of the hospital bed, I stare at the variety of plants and flowers scattered across the room.
I look closer and realize that they all have tags on their pots. All from Kel and Hero and Aubrey and Mother and those two twins who run the bakery in Othermart.
I can almost taste the fresh bread. Fresh, steaming hot bread and salty pretzels baked to perfection.
I shake my hunger away and wander the rest of the room. There's an old TV hanging lifeless on the wall. There's also a sink in the corner of the room. I drag my legs over and observe.
I almost don't recognize myself. They gave me an eye patch and a pale blue hospital gown. I wonder what my face looks like under the eye patch.
I'm covered in bruises.
And that's all I have so far! :3
It's pretty useless. I don't know.
It's not that I'm tired, it's that I'm bored. I've done everything!
2:40 am.
Oh I've got the hiccups! >:(.
I didn't brush my hair immediately after I showered, so now it's all fluffy.
I want to cut it short and dye it before school begins again.
Manic Panic.
Yeah I've got a tiny dot! That's the color I want
I'd have to bleach it first since I've got brown :(.
My hiccups have stopped.
I'm feeling quite lonely and now I've run out of things to say. 2:49 am. Hm.
cerulean flint
I fell asleep at around 4:00 am, and I wore Kelsey's jacket. I woke up at 1:00 pm and it was the best sleep I've ever had
I actually haven't thought about what haircut I want.
Nevermind. I'm never going to look like a real boy. I'll never be a real boy. It must be so painful to see someone like me try to look like a boy.
I just finished taking a walk :3 It was fun. ||I enjoyed feeling the sharp rocks on my bare feet.|| I love being outside. It calms me down
Yeah. As I was saying before. This summer is going to be uneventful. I'm sure of it. And last summer, I had rotting milk cartons behind my bed and clothes and trash piled up to the point where I couldn't see the floor. I didn't shower or brush my teeth because that was the lowest point in my life and I just couldn't. I'm doing better now though, aren't I? I can't go back to the way things were
Kelsey said he was playing Roblox alone. I told him that I would play with him if he wanted and right then, he said that Roblox stopped working
...
golden skiff
Yeah. As I was saying before. This summer is going to be uneventful. I'm sure of...
The best thing to do is just just keep pushing!!!! No Matt what people say or think about you, it's all opinions!!! Listen to yourself!!! You got this 
cerulean flint
Oh woah. Uh, thank you stranger!<3
golden skiff
Yeah!!! No problem!!
And honestly, I'm kinda In the same boat as you! I'm just another transgender that's stuck in this world with a whole bunch of jerks and morons. But I have recently learned that, what they say doesn't mean anything. They can say what they want but it just doesn't affect me anymore, and than they get annoyed because I'm not listening or responding to them. So they give up.
And I occasionally respond with. "OK, cool" or "nice to know" or just something a long those lines.
They really don't know how to respond to those answers, cause they don't think 
. They just go off of attention and impulsive thoughts
cerulean flint
I wish we could all leave this world and be ourselves. I haven't really ever dealt with much hatred like that, but if people say snarky things like that, I back down and shut up. I hope that it'll just stop. I look up to everyone who has resistance to people like that!
I'm kind of very nervous, I've never had another person send messages like this
I'm going to shower soon. And I'm going to do my best to clean my room. And I'll make myself a snack and a drink and watch a movie or something. I'm all for ruining my sleep schedule this summer. ^_^ I just want to feel decent
golden skiff
I wish we could all leave this world and be ourselves. I haven't really ever dea...
Ohhh, I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable. If you want I can stop!
cerulean flint
I don't mind at all, I'm just not very good at communication :(.
cerulean flint
Ohhh, I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable. If you want I can stop!
Well, if my journal gets deleted too, it's history I guess. You're an amazing girl, Leah. And I see that you're trying your best to help others. I wish you the best as well!
golden skiff
Awww, thanks so much!!! I just like helping people through tough times 
I wish you the very best!
cerulean flint
I've made some popcorn
A few pieces are burnt
I like them that way
cerulean flint
I ate my popcorn and started watching a movie. But then Kelsey messaged me and we talked for a while instead. Lately I felt like we weren't right for each other because we wouldn't talk much, and I have a big fear that it'll get worse now that it's summer, but we talked like, a lot lot! Hopefully I can keep it up. I'd do everything I can do to make sure he's at least okay.
He doesn't like it when I call him this, but he's so adorable. ||I'm going to bite his skin off or something.||
I'm so totally feeling depressive summer vibes! Right here! I need some music （☆/＞u＜/）
I just almost threw up. Well.
Nevermind. I've lost all motivation to clean my room! Also, I'm burning alive here!
All They Wanted by Panchiko!!!
cerulean flint
Hm. I've just spent my time listening to music and talking with Kelsey for a while. He's asleep now though!
I'm totally very much not tired but I'm bored again. Hm.
cerulean flint
I woke up at 11 am this time! I don't really know what I've done since then.
I just got out of the shower and the clothes are in the washer so now I have to wait. Then I'll clean my room. Then later my mom said that there's going to be a Memorial Day festival thingy at the park near us, so we're going there. I don't know about the fact that there's going to be a lot of people there but I love the park! So maybe.
cerulean flint
Update, there weren't too many people there. I guess I enjoyed it! After that my mom took us shopping. I got gum, eyeliner, candy, a The Beatles shirt, and a glass swan for Kelsey since he loves swans!
I haven't started reading my summer books. I don't even like books like that. What are they even about? Is there anyone in the universe who enjoyed The Great Gatsby and The Old Man and The Sea or whatever it was called? I definitely won't. A promise to my future self. I have to do it though. I'll fail because I can't really just drop the honors class. It's too late for me!
On the 8th of next month, June, there's going to be a duck race. I don't know much about the duck or the race part, but I do know that my art class will be holding a vendor there. An art vendor. All I have to do is show up and people will most likely buy my art. I hope Kelsey will be there! But so will my other classmates and teacher. Ms. Holman is very nice! The painting I did. I'm actually going to make a few more before then! Ms. Holman bought me paint thinner, a big canvas, and a bunch of oil paint and brushes as a gift for being her favorite student. I don't know how to feel about that last part. But yeah! :3 I, so far, made a cactus painting, a lily of the valley painting, a Fran Bow drawing, a Basil from Omori drawing, a shark painting, an egg painting, an abstract painting that I was forced to do, a lot more, and a few that I'm working on right now. I'm really proud of my lily of the valley one! I sold them for around $10-$25. I honestly don't care if I make much money, I'm just looking forward to doing something other than rotting in bed for the summer.
I'm kind of very sleepy! :3
If you'd like by Beach Cowboys!!!
Me and Kelsey talked a lot lot again! He introduced me to his friends, Payton, June, and Carrie. He also showed me some pictures he took. He's such an amazing photographer!!!
The rest have people's faces in it, so I won't show those
The one that says she looked like art. ||That's Payton talking about his dead sister, Paxton. She died due to drinking and driving.||
The one with kittens are invading Carrie's room!
The one with legs! The left is Carrie and the right is Payton.
And I don't really know about the flowers. I just love flowers.
Constellations by Duster!!!
Deserve by Starry Cat!!!
cerulean flint
Today was.
Well, yesterday.
Yesterday was fine. I got sick of holding everything in and I vented and cried to my friend Tyler. ||It didn't really help and I cut myself anyways. I found a spare blade. :3||
I've officially stayed up all night though. I don't know why. I took my melatonin. I was so bored this time and I didn't once think about sleeping. My eyes burn like hell but I'm not as sleepy as I thought I would be! It's 6:03 am. Maybe I will sleep! :3 I don't want to
Yesterday, or today, I don't know, I was in the middle of showering when I got really dizzy. I stepped out and there were colorful dots everywhere. I almost collapsed and I couldn't breathe. It got better after my mom gave me something to eat but it was the worst feeling ever. ||I want to feel it again. I want to be dizzy and sleepy and starve myself and refuse sleep. My arm hurts like hell.||
cerulean flint
I'm eating an entire package of melted popsicles
I once again have not slept, until now. It's 2:02 am. I don't wanna sleep!!!
||I cut myself again. On my thighs!||
||Pretty deeply!||
I really hate myself right now
I saw a really cool person at Walmart today. We made eye contact and they waved at me!!! ^_^
Kelsey and I have been talking decently. My friend Angel messaged me some weird things about not telling anyone his secret or things will get freaky... I'm 50 percent positive they were being silly! :3 He needs some sleep too I think
At Walmart, I bought some Sour Patch Kids aaaand a blue alien Squishmallow for Kelsey!
My package finally came and I gotttt a backpack for 9th grade, a Ghostbusters brooch since I love Ghostbusters!!! A heart letter K necklace for Kelsey, a normal pink ring for Kelsey, a swan ring for Kelsey since they love swans, and I learned how to crochet so I made him an orange flower bouquet since he loves the color orange, and I also got a tan pair of gloves for me with stars on them!
I hope I'll see Kelsey in August so that I'll be able to give him them. :(.
I'll probably get a whole bunch more stuff and put it all in a bag, or maybe I'll give him a bit of stuff for each of our anniversaries! I don't know
Our 8 month anniversary is in practically 2 days! It really sucks having strict parents over the summer. I don't even feel like explaining.
||I'm so pathetic. Weak. I just want to cut deeper. Why can't I cut deeper?||
Here's a cute video of me in Walmart! :3 ^_^ :D.
He didn't shut the fuck up!
I'm bored
The first one is Kelsey's dog attacking him, on the left you can see the bracelet that I gave him!
The second one is my dog, Bones. I think the sunlight captured her fur color well.
The third one is just a boring sunset picture that I took.
My cat, Pip! His Mama and Dada are gone now. His Mama was a thin fur calico tabby and his Dada was a fluffy fur orange tabby cat!
cerulean flint
Leah is still here? :3
It's the 30th now.
Kelsey and I's 8 month anniversary.
He hasn't talked to me in a few days and I don't know why.
||The last time we really talked was when he was telling me how he wants to go to sleep and never wake up.||
I'm really scared.
My mom and I are pretty positive.
I'm going to a mental hospital some time next week. Starting Monday?
I haven't gotten that much information about it but I'll be going to the same one that my friend did.
So he gave me some tips!
I'm not really dreading anything. I kind of want to go there voluntarily. Mostly to help my mental health but also just to see what it's like.
My friend went there voluntarily as well, and he loved it because he found a best friend and his new boyfriend there. I'm just wondering if I'd meet anyone cool.
I know mental hospitals are not at all a fun and games summer camp but still.
||I'm dreading taking off my clothes for the search. My friend said that they don't touch you but why the fuck would they have a traumatized child do a likely even more traumatizing thing?||
My friend also said to pick a random person to follow once you're in there, because they really won't show you around. I assume that's how he met those people?
Hm.
People must not bully you there, but I have a slight feeling that they will.
They definitely won't see me as a boy too.
The other thing that I might have a problem with is sleeping. I've seen the beds and they don't look that comfy. More importantly, would they let me sleep with the lights on? Probably not if I'm in a shared room, but I literally cannot sleep with them off. I'll become paranoid. That's childish. ||I not only imagine demons standing over me, but that my sexual assulter will be there too.||
My friend said that the staff are 50/50. Just don't break the rules.
No touching other patients.
Don't talk back.
I've heard the food is pretty good.
I hope they'll let me shower for at least ten minutes
I don't know.
I hope they'll let me take my phone, even if it means only talking to my mom or Kelsey or Tyler somewhere in the week. I understand why they usually don't let you but I think I'd go insane without it.
That's really it?
I hate summer.
I hate it so much.
I want fall.
I want winter.
I want school again.
I'm about to die from a heat stroke.
I think going there would be a nice break from everyone at home. How am I supposed to last 2 more months? :(.
||I hate myself for some reason right now. I don't know why.||
I have to do the dishes. I hate the texture of the water. Even with the gloves, it sucks. Everything. I can't do it.
I'd like to think that Leah was generally interested in me as a person. She had to have been if she visited me a second time. Not just a one time thing where she saw me and thought that she should cheer me up. I don't know.
I made some art!
I'm not very good at clothes at all. God.
It's the two Thius from Better Half!!! The game!!! I discovered it yesterday with a random dude playing it on YouTube. I liked how his voice sounded with the characters so I continued to watch his playthrough. I finished it in one day! It's about a mage named Thiu who is miserable and so he wants to get himself split in half so that he can be happy so he goes to see Lua, better known as The Jerkface, who can help him be split. The sad thing is, Thiu ends up getting the sad part of his life and the new Thiu ends up getting the happy part of his life so now the two are stuck together! I found it so cool and I don't even know. I think it's such a cool storyline!!! So I immediately drew something! You can probably tell who is who. ||Can you smash yourself?!||
Me when!!!
cerulean flint
||I just cut myself so deep. Not so deep actually. Just way deeper than I normally go.Yay!||
I want to sleep early. It's 10:41 pm. Why can't I just sleep early?
I don't even know why I did it though.
I felt proud this time...?
I started to clean my room but I feel way too fucking tired. I don't know when I'm going to end this cycle.
Kelsey hasn't said anything. I'm worried.
Every 988 message I send ends up being sabotaged somehow. My phone died or I accidentally pressed the back arrow. They don't really care, they just need money. They talk to mentally ill children every day and I doubt one's ever cared about me, so I give up.
I feel helpless.
Nobody cares here either. We're all just here with the slight hope that we'll get better ourselves. We can send a heart envelope out of empathy but that's it. Besides Leah I guess. I love Leah. I don't even know why I try with this. I'm in my own little mind where nobody gives a shit and nobody will notice what I'm going through. It's not even that bad. I'm overreacting.
I'm so mad at everything. For no reason. I'm gonna punch someone.
cerulean flint
I'm just asking for a regular, healthy sleep schedule. Please
cerulean flint
Happy Pride Month!!!
I need to fucking clean my room.
I need to fucking sleep right now.
Right now.
I have to wake up early and go to a lavender field in the morning
I also have to cut my hair
Then there's the mental hospital
Me and Kelsey were talking until I showed him a picture of the sunset and said that it was pretty. He immediately said that it wasn't pretty. I really didn't really know what to say about that so I deleted the picture and so he deleted all of his messages going back 3 days from now. I hope he's okay
I feel like a decomposing body. I'm not doing anything productive. I just want to disappear.
cerulean flint
We're supposed to be going swimming too.
I just want to wear boxers.
It isn't fair.
I hope the staff just let me wear my jorts and shirt.
I'm not wearing a girls bathing suit.
I woke up at 8:40 am and finished showering by 9:00 am. We haven't left yet
cerulean flint
I just got back from the lavender field!
I actually liked it. There were swings in the shade and we just cut lavender to keep in a bouquet. I also saw a cool person, but we didn't interact. :(. They had reddish pink hair
After that we went to the store to get vases for them as well as candy!
We got Subway and decided to go home, eat, and go to the creek in our town instead of the pool. I like that because I don't have to swim. I don't have to wear a girls bathing suit. We can walk to the waterfall!
Live action!
I tried to get on the swing...
:(.
I saw so many bees and ladybugs and caterpillars!
I love nature
cerulean flint
I'm back!!!
It was so pretty and the water was cold but I got used to it. I found a dead animal ribcage! It was so cool! It was so pretty and I loved the nature and the animals. I caught 2 frogs! I also walked against the current all the way to a whole waterfall! I fell due to how deep it was at one point and my knee bled. :(. But it was so cool!
I found a big wall with a ton of graffiti! I love graffiti! So I touched it
There were a bunch of flowers and a bunch of rocks in the water and there's a picture of tadpoles! I hurt my ankle so many times while trying to walk through the water but it was so worth it!!!
Here's lavender I picked at the lavender field!!!
I fucking love nature
cerulean flint
||I don't know why but I just cut myself so fucking deep. Not that deep actually. I was being dramatic last time but this time nah. My blades are usually dull so I went really hard and... It was just skin, no blood until a few seconds later. I didn't hit anything? Yay! I'm so shocked and my heart was beating fast but I'm kinda proud... Does it need stitches? I don't know. :3||
cerulean flint
||That same wound keeps reopening and it hurts when it touches anything... I woke up last night to blood streaming down my arm but a bit of pressure stopped it. It's so much wider than my other scars. My mama knows and she still refuses to send me to the mental hospital.||
cerulean flint
Dumb list for myself.
- 2 Outfits
- Shoes
- Socks
- Boxers
- Binder
- Kelsey's Jacket
- Kelsey's Bear
- Deodorant
- Toothbrush
- Toothpaste
- Bag
- Notebook
- Koray's Note
- Call List
I'm going to a 5 star hotel guys
cerulean flint
So uh. I'm back!!!
It was kinda epic. I cried when they wouldn't give me my stuffed bear for the first few days but the rest was fine I guess
The beds were actually comfy and I could shower each night almost in bothered. I don't really notice the flashlights during the night. I only had 2 nightmares within my 9 days of staying.
I mean a mental hospital by the way!!!
I made friends.
I was able to get 2 of their phone numbers
Shhhhh
And uhhh. There was a lot of fight on my 2nd to last day. I wrote a whole journal. About my days there.
I could totally retype it here if I'm up for it
rain thistle
I'm so obsessed with this little series [not sure what to call it] ^^
cerulean flint
series?!
uaaaa
well
i havent been messaing here recently
but ive been doing fine i think!
i havent been crying
my meds make me dizzy but get rid of my hallucinations and make me feel calm so i guess its going well
my mama also said that she would call me lee instead of my deadname from now on if it makes me happy
well
shes been trying
she says sorry if she says my deadname and she called me lee this morning to wake m up
so im happy!
but i have this gut feeling
i dont really know
it tells me i should be doing something
my mama is at work
my brother is watching tv
my sister is in her room
ive played roblox and among us for sillies. ive made a pony town character then lost motivation to make more
i dont feel like doing anything else such as that
maybe i should clean. mama told me that i should help her clean soon
i dont have to but what if the gut feeling needs me to clean
i kinda dont feel like it
its driving me insane
i dont have anything important to do
i might rewrite the first page of my mental hospital journal
i need something to occupy myself!
this was on the 13th
on my fourth day
um. im lee. i really hate this journaling stuff because i feel like it all has to be perfect. there isnt much else to do during freetime in the mental hospital though. i think its my 4th day here? i cant remember. immm kinda silly~ im a gay 14 year old loser boy who really sucks at communicating. very traumatized. ive become covered in marker ever since i came here. i like art, nature, and music? im not sure why this notebook cares. whatever. :3 right now im in the fake grass and fence locked patio. im at the table. 3 kids are sitting, 3 boys are playing... catch? tyler and kassidy are playing an entertaining game of volleyball... nevermind they passed out. now were back inside! ill probably tape down or rip out the previous pages. i just talked to mama. everyone else is watching a movie.
that was one page
when i say i talked to mama i mean on the phone
they allow one phone call per night
about 20 minutes to shower and they yell to see if youre okay and if you respond every few minutes
i will cry if i cant shower once a day so im glad they let us shower
it was pretty epic there
i dont it isnt supposed to be romanticized
but it was
it kinda got bad towards the end
very scary too
but thats a story for another time
hm
the kid named tyler. i really wanted to be friends with him but i already know a tyler
tyler i know is my online friend from nevada
nobody can replace him!
me and that tyler are really close
also uh
thank you jen!
i love your pfp
im so hungry
goldfish
maybe i feel overwhelmed
too much stuff
to worry about
too many sounds
too many textures
to feel
too many options
hungry
sleepy
uncomfy
i dont know if i already said this
but i have phychosis, major depressive disorder, and body dysmorphia
so now i take prozac and abilify
hm
bored
im going to list every single music artist i like that i can remember
green day, pavement, mindless self indulgence, nirvana, alex g, mr floyd larry, twisted sister, metallica, julie, blue smiley, starry cat, strawberry guy, tv girl, queen, the smiths, the beatles, weezer, duster, the cure
uaaa
i dont know if i already said this
but i got my hair cut
short layers and curtain bangs!
i feel more comfortable in it
at first i hated it since it was very! short
but now i like it
besides, itll grow at least an inch before school starts again
i got it professionally done
uaaaaaa
i really love omori by the way
cerulean flint
my hair is so much easier to wash and brush now
anyways, i just got done playing among us
not a lot of people play it anymore
and they use it as a joke
i dont know why i like it so much
but there i met a person named basil with overalls and a flower
you bet that i thought of omori
and it was!
so i added them on discord
and now well probably be friends!
now though, im going to write another mental hospital journal page
this one is a different page on the same day
now im sitting in the hall on the floor because all the seats are taken. this place isnt as bad as people make it out to be. its kinda funny watching iceis being a self centered, paranoid psychopath screaming at the staff to just let her ||kill herself|| and banging on doors. she really hates me. the rest of the kids arent bad at all. tyler, kassidy, clover, and autum are the people i like the most. theyre so sweet. i found out that tyler is trans. i sort of always knew though! i wonder why he doesnt ask the staff to call him tyler instead of his deadname. they call me lee. hm. everyone is going to leave soon though, so i dont see any point. the sunset just went down. it reminded me of kelsey! now im inside at my table. bed in 30 minutes. i leave tuesday. i feel like i can leave already but whatever. im calm! no hallucinations either. psych ward naps hit different. i envy tyler so much.
bed is 8:30
morning is 6:30
i was fine with that
very much
cerulean flint
i dont even know whats wrong
yesterday i went to pistachio land and my mama bought me a bunch of shit
then we went to the movies to watch inside out 2, it was epic
i got my new prescriptions
i had fruit
fruit is amazing
i had it for lunch and dinner
i skipped breakfast but thats okay
maybe the gut feeling is kelsey
everything else goes right i guess
i was happy yesterday
but something is missing
i feel like were falling apart
i dont want us to. i still love him with all my heart
i dont know if he still loves me
he hasnt said it at all recently. i know he isnt busy because if i say good night i love you, he will only respond with good night
i know people have their own lives but i cant help but worry
i said i miss you too after he said i miss you and he responded with womp fucking womp
hes said that he doesnt trust me before
he said that he trusts nobody
and he never will
i think thats because hes traumatized
he wont tell me what happened in his past. i dont know anything
i do know that i want him to be okay. that im going to do whatever it takes to not be like the people who hurt him. ill make him better
if we stay together at least
yesterday was our 9 month anniversary
he spent that day in the hospital
he wont tell me why
but i think its ||overdose||
i bought him an orange flower
i cant give it to him and itll probably die by the time school starts again
i love dead and alive flowers
im not sure if he will appreciate it though
mama bought me a voodoo doll
wait lemme think of a name for him
okay so now i have to choose between rowan, kori, and nico
i kinda like kori the most
hes supposed to offer me support and hugs when nobody else really understands
thats why i chose him and hes so cute!!
my mama also bought me a cow plushie
i mean a pig
she kinda looks like a cow
but she has a pig tail
ill think of a name for her too!
now i have to choose between lottie and melody
i feel like lottie suits a pig more
apparently you can put her in the microwave or freezer and she wont get damaged!
shes also weighted
i love weighted plushies
theres the brown bear kelsey got me for my birthday
i unfortunately already named him gram cracker and im afraid that wont change
and the blue squishmallow he gave me on the last day of school
i havent named them yet
i think itll be nico
it suits them
i actually ended up taking gram cracker to the mental hospital with me
it took a few days but they eventually let me have him
i love plushies
jens pfp has inspired me to play regretevetor now
byebye!
cerulean flint
||i plan to kill myself. a bottle of prozac. or more.||
cerulean flint
im so sick
i feel like doing nothing but sleeping
i dont see a point
they upgraded my abilify dose
i havent cleaned my room
i have a horrible feeling that its going to get bad again
id be awake
around noon
and id think
maybe ill just go back to sleep because i have no motivation to do anything else even if im not that sleepy
4th of july is tomorrow
||that would be a nice way to go out||
its just me and my thoughts
i feel sleepy right now but i feel like i have to stay up
like something bad is about to happen
im paranoid
i dont know what
i just feel like it and so many things haunt my mind
kelsey hates me
all of my friends hate me
im not trying hard enough
i should be doing insert thing that my brain wont tell me
what the fuck is going on
maybe im just irritated
someone please help me
im unsatisfied
with every little thing i do
i cant find comfort in anything anymore
maybe ill just sleep
screw this
cerulean flint
as far as im aware, i was just told shut your lame ass up
i just woke up
i feel like ive been asleep forever but its only 12 am
i feel so weak
why am i letting that stranger get to me
i posted my introduction and thats what they sent directly after my message
i didnt think bullies were here
maybe i will shut my lame ass up though
i think im trying too hard actually
im pretty sure the staff deleted their message though
im not sure why i cant get this stranger out of my head
ive never been bullied all that much in my life
only in middle school when i had really bad hygiene and on my first day of kindergarden because i used pink instead of red because i didnt have a red crayon
but since i started showering every day, feeling less depressed, and actually taking care of myself, ive stopped getting bullied
until now i guess
no that wasnt even bullying
was it degrading?
it was just a simple few words
so i dont know why its effecting me so much
im pretty sure ill be bullied or beaten up in high school
anyways i deleted my introduction
it was a bad idea to send it anyways
ill probably stay awake a bit longer and clean so that i feel the slightest bit better about myself
alright thats all im doing but at least my bed is clean and i dont have 3 days old milk on my nightstand
and now i dont feel like doing anything
i dont feel like playing a game or talking a walk or talking to anyone
i dont feel like going to sleep either. just rotting here
cerulean flint
ive been awoken once more to take my meds
once that happens i am not going back to sleep
fuck that
now its almost 8 am
i slept well after i fell asleep
my gut feeling is kinda gone now
huh
cerulean flint
i played pony town for an hour again
ive just sat here. in my bed.
thats all i ever do
i wish school would come by faster
all i eat anymore is fruit and meal replacement what the hell
grapefruit hits hard
nevermind i cant eat it anymore its too much why does it taste like that
now my hands are all sticky
i tried to play more pony town but again, im unsatisfied
cerulean flint
i feel like doing nothing but sleeping
cerulean flint
okay i took a quick hour nap
if i clean then mama will buy me something
i also have to do the dishes but itll be worth it
cerulean flint
i cleaned and mama said that i can do the dishes tomorrow
i love regretevetor so much
i cleaned the entire house
basically
cerulean flint
i told kelsey about how ive been feeling recently
he hasnt responded yet
thats okay though
today i woke up early to do the dishes
i did them all besides the pots and stained bowls
because fuck that
my sensory issues did not help at all
but at least i had gloves to wear
after that i went back to sleep
not because i was tired
but because i was bored and understimulated
i thought to myself
whats the point in staying awake
so i fell asleep then are there
and three hours later i just woke up
the first time i took a nap i had a panic attack
because i didnt know what year it was
not the month or week or day or hour
and the worst part was no matter how much i asked
my mama wouldnt tell me
for some stupid ass reason
at that time i didnt have my phone
because i did a little mistake
so i had no sense of anything i was crying on the bathroom floor
asking for help
but nobody came
but then i got used to naps
especially as of now
its all i ever do
anyways
||i sadly didnt kill myself yesterday||
i kinda want to live
but i dont know why
maybe its kelsey even though our relationship isnt that best right now
maybe its experiencing high school even though i havent even started to books im supposed to read for honors class and theres only a month left before school starts again
maybe its my family even though i hate every single one of them
i guess im a pessimist
im fine with that
by 2025 ninety percent of all online content is predicted to be generated by ai
||maybe i should kill myself after all||
thats a fucking shame
what have we become
ai is going to steals our hobbies and jobs
take over the world
what the hell
dont even get me started on project 2025
were all done for
cerulean flint
okay dude so i woke up at around 8 and got ready to go to the store in the evening for some reason
after that i went back to sleep because again, ive found no point in anything anymore
then 4 hours later i woke up, which is just now
i walked to go to the bathroom and before i can even step in, the colorful dots came into my line of vision
my prozac makeas me dizzy that way
so i stopped moving but the colorful dots kept coming
until my vision was completely black and i collapsed onto my knees
thankfully not losing complete consiousness
but i was just like damn
because that was the closest ive been to passing out
heres a tip
if youre on meds that make you dizzy dont starve yourself at the same time
i dont really feel like doing anything even still
its almost 1 now
i dont feel like playing pony town or roblox
or making music playlists
i trying to have some conversation
nobody has messaged me
at all
i dont feel like staying up
i was want to sleep
forever
cerulean flint
okay uh i dont know i sorta just hung around until now
laying down and listening to mom jeans
every week day from 3 to 7 i have something called a php meeting
i call it a mental hospital meeting to simplify it
its almost 3 so i have to join a zoom meeting
i have 4 group sessions where we learn about mental health and shit
every hour we get about a 10 minute break
i hate them
theyre so long and boring
were forced to keep our cameras on because they have to make sure were safe apparently
||i could cut myself with my camera on. what would they do about it||
every friday we watch a movie
but i hate those too because its laggy and we can hardly hear anything
yesterday was friday so we watched lilo and stitch
they ask us to read
we watch ted talks
tons of boring shit
i was even looking forward to music art therapy but it sucks ass too
id rather draw my own stuff
i have to join now
with me luck guys
nevermind my dumbass forgot it was saturday
i was kinda looking forward to doing something
cerulean flint
i think my mama called me lee when she woke me up for my meds
im not sure though
she left the prozac in my room though
horrible mistake by the way