#Eda’s Journal

1 messages · Page 4 of 1

elfin rover
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I remember when I went in for my psych consult, the psychologist mentioned that in my adhd eval that psych had mentioned something about obsessive compulsive tendencies

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And I remember being like, nah no waaaay, I definitely don’t have OCD

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And I still don’t think that

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But perhaps she meant obsessive-compulsive personality

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Because I could see that being the case

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I have to stop thinking about this

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I’m just psyching myself up and setting myself up for disaster

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I know something’s wrong, but it’s not up to me to figure out what it is

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I will leave that to a professional

elfin rover
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I’ve realised a few things

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One: how can I complain that “people don’t care” if I don’t let them care?

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Of course people aren’t going to care about and for me if I don’t tell them what’s going on, what I’m going through. I need to take that step before anything else can happen.

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I need to let people in and not block them out, however scary that may be

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Two: I really, truly should go see a therapist as per Tsuru’s recommendation.

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I’ve got many things going on and I need help with all of them, knowledge is power and can help me understand my problems, even if it comes with a scary diagnosis

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I’m tired of living this way, I want to live life to the fullest

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Three: I ought to give myself a routine, get patterns going, so I might have some stability. I may not have control over everything in my life, but I can try to maintain a routine

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Four: perhaps it’s a good idea to look at some of the things I wrote both here and on finch during the bad period last year. I may be able to heal a bit more if I am able to think about those things and truly feel those feelings, without trying to block them out, without all the pain

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That may help me to finally let go

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And if even then, I can’t let go, then perhaps I ought to just wait and see what happens

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Life threw some really beautiful moments at me, I’m sure it’s possible for it to happen again.

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I may be doing somewhat poorly at the moment, but I think I’m also starting to get better

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I’m certainly already in a better place than I was this time last year

elfin rover
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Today I am unhappy

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But I don’t wish for death, only for things to be different

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Work is being stressful today, I’m tired and I got up late

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It feels like my fault that everything is going wrong (today) and I know that to some extent it is

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I wish that my boyfriend were here because then it would be a little bit better

elfin rover
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TW: Depression, weight/body image discussion

I don’t miss the depression (or should I call it a depressive episode?) from last year in the slightest- but I do kind of miss the way it made my body look. With depression comes loss of energy and appetite and with that comes eating less, and not doing much. And with that came weight loss. Not a significant amount, but I felt prettier. My waist was thinner, and it accentuated my curves, it gave me such a pretty shape… and I must admit that the smaller number on the scale also felt kind of good. But now I’ve gained it all back, and even a little bit more… I hate it, but I’m also happier now, it doesn’t make sense. Can’t I feel happy and be pretty?

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Every time I eat, I think “do I really have to eat?” But the problem is that now, more often than not, if I don’t eat, I end up eating a lot, later. And that’s just as bad, if not worse!

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And I need the energy to do work and remain positive and productive

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That’s my thoughts today

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I did have a good day, though!

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I got to help a lady pick out a fish at the store today. We picked out a blue and pink one, it was very pretty

elfin rover
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Two more days until til bf comes down!!!

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I’m so excited to see him

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It’s been like, a month 😭😭 I hope we get to see each other more often as the semester goes by

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Sometimes communicating is hard

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I have a hard time expressing myself and both finding the right words but also getting myself to say them

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Is it my anxiety talking? Or is it possible PMDD? Or is it rational?

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I don’t want to overwhelm him with that, I know he said he’d always listen without judgement, but I still have a hard time with that

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I also have a hard time with that because I don’t want to say anything wrong

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I also don’t want to trigger anything bad

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I don’t want to be the reason or catalyst for worsening depression or worse…

elfin rover
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It was so nice to have him here

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He left Sunday night :(

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But it was lots of fun^^

elfin rover
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I don’t like how bad I am at communicating

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I think I’ve upset him and idk how to fix it

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I know talking when I’m tired and emotional is never a good idea in the first place

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I just feel bad all around now

elfin rover
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F*cking dishes took two hours and a half to do

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I stayed two and a half hours longer at work

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Because of the freaking dishes

elfin rover
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Okay well on the complete flip side of that, yesterday I learned how sweet and patient Tsuru is

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Idk why I use nicknames like Tsuru and Kuma

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I guess it was easier to talk about Kuma using a nickname

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But anyways, he’s so patient with me, what did I do to deserve him 🥹🥹

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I was being so stubborn and negative and everything last night after I came home exhausted from work

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But he stayed, talked and didn’t try to minimise my feelings, he didn’t brush them off and didn’t try to logic his way through them

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He just sat and listened and was a good listener

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Even when I just sat here and kind of refused to talk, he was patient with me

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I guess I’d also gotten that from my relationship with Kuma, but it was also a bit different

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But it doesn’t feel like everyone currently in my life is patient with my feelings like that

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And I really appreciated that

elfin rover
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It’s nights like tonight where I miss having close friends

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I have friends, sure

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But none of them are close to me

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I can’t just go bother them and talk about whatever

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Or just be silly and stuff

elfin rover
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I want to go home

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I just got to work

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And it’s not even stressful today

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But I want to go home

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And never leave again

elfin rover
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Been home for a few hours now

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Did I accomplish anything? Hell no

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I sat and scrolled through YouTube shorts for three hours

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Idk what to dooooo

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Rooo a shower and listened to Red Velvet; I now have more energy (not really what I needed LMAO) but still feel like ✨crap✨

elfin rover
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It’s been a rough night

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Couldn’t stay asleep then I learned that my uncle had to take my aunt to the ER

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Turns out they’re going to have to go to the capital so she can get emergency surgery…

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I’m both worried for them but also worried for my cousins

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I have to tell them before I go to work in three is hours

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I’ve barely gotten any sleep

elfin rover
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She’s okay now

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Life is so fragile… it’s hard to believe that I nearly lost someone so important

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I have to act strong for my family, though. My cousins nearly lost their mom and my uncle the love of his life, his companion

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I’ll be brave for them, take care of them for now

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Perhaps this is the wake-up call I needed

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Gotta get to work now

elfin rover
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All of this thinking about and contemplating of mortality… is kind of distressing

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I could have lost my aunt, just like that

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She was fine last night, we had dinner and enjoyed some time together

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Went to bed and in the middle of the night… pain

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And then if they’d gotten there even a few hours later, she’d have been gone

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Just like that

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But no re-spawn, no more lives, nothing

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Just poof

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I’ve been trying my best to take care of my cousin; she’s the youngest at 11 and my heart hurts so much for her

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Both my cousins have been so, so brave

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But that’s it… life is so fragile

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I might never have met my beloved boyfriend

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I’m not sure whether or not to talk about these musings about mortality to him, I’m not sure how he would feel about that now

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I should really find out more about how he feels about his attempt and just more about it in general

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Idk how to bring that up…

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Anyways I should sleep (I have work early in the morning 😭😭)

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I can contemplate abt mortality later

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Now I need some sleep

elfin rover
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Okay um… feeling a bit annoyed rn

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Yesterday and today I’ve been a little eh at work because of how things are here at home… I don’t have much control over that. I had to make sure to leave right when my shift ended so I could get home to help my cousins and stuff

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When I tell my boss my aunt still isn’t back so it’s just me at home she says that I need to make sure that we finish everything before I leave, so my co-worker doesn’t have to stay so long

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Where was that attitude when I stayed 2 hours and a half doing the flipping dishes?

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Sure, my co-worker may have more adult responsibilities than I do, but I still have a life, too! And right now I need to help take care of my cousins

elfin rover
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I want to go homeeeeeeee

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So tired and we need to get a lot done today

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So I can’t just dip

elfin rover
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Heh

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Talked to my boss today

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She will give me more hours next week

elfin rover
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Painted my nails for the weddingggg

elfin rover
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Going home from the wedding

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Sad times

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It was good fun

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And I was happy I got to see my bf 🥰🥰

elfin rover
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Lmao my mom thinks I’m thinking about getting married for intimacy

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She has no idea

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This asexual girlie couldn’t care care less

elfin rover
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I’m worried and sad and anxious and everything

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And I also feel stupid and selfish, too

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And guilty and just a lot of things

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I’m such a horrible girlfriend, but also not?

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I mean, I have the right to have his attention and not have to ask for it

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But is giving him the cold shoulder the solution? No

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I don’t know what else to do and that’s what worries me

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I just want to go home and sleep and sleep and sleep

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I can’t stop checking and checking and checking to see if he’s said anything

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But I don’t remember when he’s got class so I wouldn’t even know when I should expect him tonight because up

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I miss him so much but also feel ignored

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I know I should be communicating better

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But so should he

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I don’t want to be at workkkk

elfin rover
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Surely he’s up by now and still nothing

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At this point idk if he’s waiting for me to say something or if now he’s upset that I didn’t respond to anything

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I know I should put my sadness aside and text him anyways and communicate what I’m feeling

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But I also kind of want to see if he’ll say something

elfin rover
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And I know that part of this is my hormones, so I know some of this is silly and my brain being silly and dumb

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I really need to go see the doctor about this

elfin rover
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DIDJDJDJNDNDJDI

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I HATE MY JOB

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my boss is being completely unreasonable

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I fucking hate everything

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She’s saying we didn’t get enough done yesterday

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WE DID EVERYTHING YOU FUCKING ASKED FOR

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AND got done early

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idk what else you want

elfin rover
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Okay

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Today has been an ABSOLUTE rollercoaster or emotions

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I can’tttt

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I want to cry and laugh at the same time so I’m choosing to laugh

elfin rover
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I don’t know why I’m mad at practically everyone

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I can’t explain it but it feels horrible

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I want things to just be okay again

elfin rover
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I kind of just want to not exist

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Not going to end things, but I just feel so empty and hollow and sick and tired of everything

elfin rover
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I don’t have any friends here

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None of my friends back at uni care enough to check in

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And my stupid bf… idk what to think

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He’s not good at this long-distance crap

elfin rover
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Okay I was feeling negative that night

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We talked after and sorted out things

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I told him how I felt and we talked about it

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I still feel really alone other than him though

elfin rover
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Feeling like crap today again

elfin rover
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So tired of working

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I wish I had a boring cashier job or something like that

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I’m just out of spoons and it doesn’t feel like I’ll have any for a while

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I used spoons that I don’t have, so I’m kind of exhausted 🙃

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But I still gotta get up at 5:30 tmr morning

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It’s kind of ironic, I was so busy trying to watch out for my bf or my friend that I wasn’t watching out for myself

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I was worrying about them, but it was me I should worry about

elfin rover
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I am so done with this job

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I am literally only going in because I have to make money

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But I just want to cry and never go back there

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I used to enjoy this work

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It was fun, something new and exciting

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But now I’m stuck with co-workers who don’t work “fast enough” and I get flack for it, too

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I’m already working to my limit, I cannot go any faster!

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I also can only go as slow as the slowest person, if they’re not shaping the dough fast enough, I can’t make more!!

elfin rover
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I know that my loneliness is in part my fault

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I’ve not been good at showing interest in others, getting to know people

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I know that’s it’s up to me to make friends, too

elfin rover
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I’ve been listening to some songs that really resonate with me

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No Surprises by Radiohead is a lovely one

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And Everything’s Alright from To the Moon is another good one

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That game still reminds me of my ex

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Kuma

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In the game, we see the story of the MC’s life, and his life with his wife

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His wife is autistic and their dynamic reminded me of ours

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Although I’m not autistic, I’m likely ADHD

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I don’t know if I’ll be able to finish that game

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Perhaps one day

elfin rover
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Today we’ve been going so fast at work

elfin rover
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Almost 13h and we’re almost done with everything on the to-do list

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low-key if this isn’t fast enough, idk what is

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Today I feel okay

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Idk why

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Oh well, I’d best not complain 😊

elfin rover
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I didn’t know if I’d ever see my little journal again!

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I’m happy to be able to access it :)

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Last night I had some wackadoodle dreams

elfin rover
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Oh gosh this year’s already off to a terrible start

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I got my period in the middle of the night

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While at my bf’s parent’s house

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We were all supposed to go to the hot springs together today

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Now idk what will happen

elfin rover
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We ended up not going

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I was really excited

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But we ended up doing something just as fun

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We hung out with some friends of ours from school

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We did some pottery painting and then we went and got pizza

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And then we got some fro-yo

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It was a pretty good day :)

elfin rover
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I started classes this weekkkk

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My microbiology lab got cancelled today

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So I don’t have classes ‘till 12:45

elfin rover
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Saturdayyy

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First week (kind of haha) of classes

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Things went pretty well

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I had my anatomy/physiology class as well as microbiology and religion

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Next week we start labs

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I’ll have the anatomy/physiology lab and a microbiology lab

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I’m excited

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We’ll classify those little bacteria suckers

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And learn how to identify them

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And then learn more anatomy 😵‍💫😵‍💫

elfin rover
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Medical terminology has been a lot of work, but fun too

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School this semester has been going pretty well, so far

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I just hope I can keep this up haha

elfin rover
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Woo it’s been a hot second

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I think I’m going to drop medical terminology, it’s too much work for what it’s worth right now

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I need to get a good grade in anatomy and physiology

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So we’re going to focus on that

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I’m still so so busy

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But now I have time to focus a little more on anat and phys

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I have an anatomy exam today, in fact

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I should go shower and then clean the bathroom and then study more

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So much to do, so little time 😔

elfin rover
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I forgot how good discord was on laptop

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I never open it 😅

elfin rover
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rahhhh

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EKGs don't make sense

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but now I have an exam about them

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yay

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let's hope I don't screw this up even moreeeeeeeeeee

elfin rover
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I have a counselling appointment tomorrow

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And then I go to my dr follow-up appointment

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On Tuesday

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So busy

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Bf and I made Valentine’s plans, I’m excited

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It’s going to be good fun

elfin rover
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we're going to make mocktails!! neither of us drink, so we'll make mocktails instead

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it'll be good fun

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and then we're also having a charcuterie board

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and a nice dinner

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and some dessert

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one of our friends and his girlfriend are aslo joining us

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also I'm pretty tired

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sooooooooooo sleepy

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I had a mtn dew earlier

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still so sleepy

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it helped a bit though

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but we got the prettiest glasses for our drinks

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and some cool ice molds

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some round ones

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and square ones

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and then we're going to borrow my friend's heart shaped ones

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we're making a raspberry mojito, a cucumber mint ginger beer drink and potentially a coconut milk lavender lemon drink

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saying it out loud makes me realise that the flavours don't exactly match, but we thought they all sounded tasty haha

elfin rover
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we got the lavender syrupppppppppppppp

elfin rover
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I can’t waittttrt

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Today (oops I meant to go to bed earlier) we’re finally doing the dinner!!!!

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It’ll be such good fun

elfin rover
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Woah I forgot about this ngl

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But I’m baclkkk

elfin rover
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Y’all I went to Denny’s today

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It took TWO HOURS

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It was wild

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Now I don’t have time to study microbiology 😭😭

elfin rover
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Anatomy exam today, woop woop

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(This is me feigning enthusiasm, I’m not actually excited)

elfin rover
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Microbiology exam todayyyy

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Even worse than anatomy haha

elfin rover
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A new week

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And more exams this weekend

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Another microbiology exam and another anatomy/physiology exam

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I’ll try to pace it better, though

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So I’m not rushing to do everything on Saturday haha

elfin rover
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Woo I managed to do homework and revise content today

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Hopefully I get up on time tomorrow

elfin rover
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Woo I finished the exams yesterday

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Finally doneee

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Until finals

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But that’s another story

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We’re gonna focus on the present 😌

elfin rover
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so tiredddd

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and kinda feeling crap

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but not too bad

elfin rover
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finals start soon

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it's going to be soooooo busy

elfin rover
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I want to just get into bed and watch my little pony

elfin rover
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Ok aujourd’hui je vais écrire en français

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Je dois pratiquer et je ne veux pas vraiment que tout le monde comprend ce que je vais écrire

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C’est rien de mal, juste des choses un peu tristes et embarrassantes

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Aujourd’hui j’ai vu une vidéo d’un gars qui a arrêté de regarder des vidéos… matures, sexuelles. Et je me suis souvenu de mon ex-copain qui voulait faire ça

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Arrêter, je veux dire

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Et c’était quelque chose de très difficile pour lui

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Très très difficile

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Et ça faisait mal pour lui, moi, et notre relation (? Je ne sais pas si on dit ça en français mdr) et c’était très difficile

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Et je sais que mon copain de maintenant veut arrêter aussi

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Pour lui, c’est un peu différent, je n’ai pas parlé avec lui sur ce sujet beaucoup donc je ne sais pas trop, mais je sais que pour un temps, il faisait mal à lui même, il se coupait (?) et c’est quelque chose de très douloureux pour lui aussi

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Je ne sais pas comment va mon ex-copain, on ne parle pas de ça, je ne suis plus sa copine, donc je ne vais pas parler avec lui de ce sujet, mais je veux savoir un peu

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C’est un peu triste pour moi de voir que c’est un problème pour beaucoup de garçons

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Je ne sais pas, je dis n’importe quoi maintenant

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Mais je suis un peu triste maintenant

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Dude I’m up way too late

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I should be asleeppoppppp

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We’re leaving in the morningggggggggg

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And I’m not even packed or anything

elfin rover
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Y’all I took a practice test today

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And it was kinda dismal

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I think that the program got most of them wrong?? Because I’m pretty sure I know where the uterus and ovaries are…

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So that was fun

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I hope my professor fixes that… because I did not get an 18/25, I’m pretty sure only one of those were wrong (and I just straight up didn’t know what that was ngl)

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Also I know what the ascending and descending loop of henle are

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And the prostate?? Idk if it was looking for “prostate gland” but ik where that is, too

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HECK YEAH I CAN DO EXTRA CREDIT

elfin rover
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ok aujourd'hui je vais ecrire en francais encore use fois

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j'ai parlé avec mon ex sur le sujet dont j'ai parlé l'autre jour et c'etait tres difficile

elfin rover
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je pense que c'était une conversation importante a avoir

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oui, c'était dur

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mais j'ai appris des choses que je peux faire mieux pour mon copain maintenant et je m'ai pardonnée un peu

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c'est important de pouvoir voir le passé et m’améliorer, spécialement si je suis dans une situation similaire maintenant et je veux lui aider

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ok, je dois terminer mon essai

elfin rover
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I turned it in, that darned essay

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And I just did my anatomy lab final

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Don’t think it was my best grade, but hopefully I did well enough to keep an A-

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Ideally, I’d get an A, but… I think that’s too much to ask for lmaooooo

elfin rover
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I’m so overwhelmed

elfin rover
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STRAIGHT As BABY

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oh I’m so relieved

elfin rover
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FIrst day of the new semester

elfin rover
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Wow

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First week is almost done

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-# and I already have an exam next week, what

elfin rover
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the immune system is comprised of three "layers" (hehe, it's an onion)

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the first line of defence/layer is physical barriers; they keep pathogens from entering in the first place! there are three main examples of the first line of defence:

  • skin; it's tough, has lots of layers and is constantly getting sloughed off!
  • mucous membranes; these are live surfaces, so they are more at risk than the dead keratinocytes in skin - so they have more protection! Mucus is sticky and will trap any pathogens so they can be quickly removed!
  • normal flora; we have a lot of "native" microbes, and they're there for a good reason! some help us to digest our food, and others help us to stay healthy. native flora can compete with pathogens by taking up 1. space and 2. resources. if the pathogens don't have space or resources, how can they grow and take over?
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then comes the second line of defence: the non-specific/innate immune system! (there are too many names, Ik)

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it's called to non-specific or innate immune system because those are all such good ways to sum up exactly what it is and does. It's non-specific, meaning the response isn't specific to the pathogen being attacked; any pathogen will be treated the same. It's innate, meaning it just happens without the need for special "training". Another important thing to note is that it doesn't create memory. The cells involved in this response won't "remember"the pathogens they came into contat with to know how to better fight them off next time.

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the parts of the innate immune system are:

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  • fever
  • inflammation
  • leukocytes (not lymphocytes; there's a difference)
  • complement proteins (MAC complex)
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  • fever: fever is when your body base temperature goes up. This is not for the microbes to be uncomfortable and die, it's actually so the white blood cells involved in the response are more efficient (enzymes and cells have an optimum temperature to work at; too cold and they're slow to act, too hot and they denature.) which is really important. Fever is a systemic response, so it affects the whoooole body, not just the specific area that is infected.
elfin rover
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  • inflammation: inflammation is a more localised response. Inflammation happens due to some sort of damage. The five cardinal signs of inflammation are: redness, pain, swelling, heat and loss of function. Redness and swelling happen due to histamine being released and causing vasodilation and epithelial retraction. This is for the WBCs to be able to squeeze through and get to the tissues where they are needed! Since there is now more blood in that area, the characteristic redness shows up. The swelling is due to the imbalance of fluids within the tissues. The swelling causes pain, and all those things lead to loss of function.
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  • leukocytes: my favourite! Leukocytes --> white blood cells. They are the warriors of the innate immune system!! they are so incredibly important! The leukocytes are: Neutrophils, basophils, eosinophils and macrophages! (I am holding back the urge to further nerd out about these cells, but man, are they cool!!!) Neutrophils are the first responders! they're the first to show up when danger is detected. Basophils are liked closely to allergies and histamine (they release histamine, just like mast cells, but they move around in the blood instead of being attached to one single place, isn't that so cool??!?!?) and then eosinophils are the body's defence against parasites! Macrophages/monocytes (monocytes are when they're in blood circulation, macrophages are when they're out of circulation!!) are phagocytes, meaning they eat up (yum yum) the pathogens that they encounter.
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now how do the leukocytes work, you may ask. Well I'd love to tell you!

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in our body, we have cells called sentinel cells (dendritic cells, macrophages and mast cells). Sentinel cells have receptors on them that react to PAMPs (pathogen-associated molecular patterns) and DAMPs (damage-associated molecular patterns). PAMPs come from the pathogens themselves; this could be something like LPS or a part of a flagellum. DAMPs are released from your own cells, and they indicate that there's been some sort of damage to your cells. DAMPs and PAMPs bind to sentinel cells and then they (the sentinel cells) recruit your friendly neighbourhood leukocytes to come and help out! This whole process has four steps: 1 Recognition! (you need to see that there's a problem!) 2 Recruitment (the sentinel cells send out selectins so that the leukocytes come to the area where they need help.) 3 removal (that's oddly threatening (I mean, for the pathogen it is) but it's when phagocytosis happens! the macrophage or neutrophil binds to the pathogen and takes it in. then it gets fused with a lysosome (and the lysosome has a bunch of nasty chemicals that bust open that little nuisance) and then spits out the remains) and finally 4: repair! it's important to repair what might have been messed up in the altercation. White blood cells put down fibrinogen and stuff and recruit platelets blah blah blah

#

ummmm I'm tired of revising for now so I'm going to stop it at that

elfin rover
#

This is me mentioning the first ever text here because I want to be able to read all this

elfin rover
#

Hello to my poor, poor past self! Here I am, nearly two years later! I did, indeed make it out alive. Alive and well, I dare say! Yes, it gets better. You sweet, hurting younger me, it gets better! It’s true, I know you think it isn’t, but it is true! I’m still trying to be the person I strive to be, but we’re making progress. As for the studies… girl, you’d be so proud of me! Last semester I had a 4.0 gpa and I’m in my last stretch of preparing for proper nursing school. I’m so excited, this truly feels like a dream come true and I hope everything else works out! But girl, you have so much to look forward to! And here’s the part I’m you’ve been dying to hear abt… for a while we (Kuma and I) didn’t really talk….. but lately we’ve been talking a bit more. And we’re just friends, that’s it. I’m dating someone else right now and he’s the best! We’re even talking about getting married, although I’ll leave future future me give the update on that. Some things I wish I could have said to you: be kind to yourself. Grief is hard, so, so hard. But you’re strong, and you have so much to live for. It’ll take a while, but someday you’ll feel okay. Take time to find yourself- it’s the best time to do it. And pull close those who love you. They are there to help you, and they will listen to you and love you. You’re going to love university life. There’s going to be hard days, yes. There will be days where you question why the heck you decided you wanted this to be your career. But it’s all worth it ( I think, I haven’t finished yet) You’ll grow so much, this period of time is but a spot. I’m so glad that I made it through because there is so much to live for and I’m grateful for it everyday!!! (You still have a problem where you stay up too late, though…) Future future me, how’s life over there? Did we make it? Did we finish nursing school? What about that wedding? Did it happen? Spill the tea, sis, I want to hear it all! Anyways I ought to say toodles, I gotta sleep!!!

elfin rover
#

Nope

#

Nope

#

Nope

#

It’s not true

#

Love is a lie and life is rotten

#

Nope nope nope nope nope

#

Why now

#

Why right before my birthday

#

Right before an important exam

#

I am once again wishing I could just teleport to my wedding day

#

Without all of this drama first

#

I thought I was doing better

#

That I had changed

#

That I was finally functional and able

#

Right now???

#

When I need to most support???

#

Well, it’s not finalised yet

elfin rover
#

Well I come back with good news?

#

I was perhaps being a little bit dramatic and catastophising

#

We’re okay, things are okay between us and it was just a bump in the road

elfin rover
#

omg

#

I once again lost this journal 😭

elfin rover
#

I don't feel like I have the energy or the will to keep going with the semester

#

it's insane-bananas-bonkers-crazy week after week

#

I've had at least one exam every week for the last idk how many weeks

#

I need a break in between, for heavens' sake

#

and I can't even study for them, I feel like I use up all my energy doing the homework for those classes and then have absolutely no energy to do anything else, ever

#

I need to take care of myself

#

but don't have the energy to

#

I would literally rather pick apart and sort all of my embroidery floss string by sting than do anything for school rn

elfin rover
#

Kuma, I feel like a terrible girlfriend. Tsuru is so great, I love him so much, but for some reason you just don’t get out of my head. I think he’s going to propose this weekend, and I’m excited, really, I am. But for some stupid reason, you just don’t leave my head! Of course, I understand why I’m nervous for you to find out. But this feels like a little bit more than that, and it’s kind of driving me crazy.

#

Why do you send me a message right after I type that out?

elfin rover
#

I hope you're safe

#

It's hard being so far away

#

I can't really tell if you're okay or if you're just faking it to make me feel better

#

you say you worry about me, but I worry about you, too

#

Sometimes I wonder if I'm overreacting

#

I know that those are habits of the past, but I guess I still worry. I have no idea if you would tell me if you started to cut again. I hope you would, trust is important in a relationship. I could honestly see it going both ways.

#

It seems like you have the ability of hiding your feelings, and that worries me.

elfin rover
#

FUCK

#

The fucking bill passed

#

Narrowly

#

This country is doomed

elfin rover
#

kfsdhfljksdhfldjsfbgvdvblsdjfkblvjdkfbvjldfsbvdf

#

I'm so behind and there's nothing I can do to fix ittttttt

#

I really need to get a diagnosis

#

this is getting out of hand

#

I feel so broken, so stupid for not being able to do what normal people can keep up with

#

I feel like I have to work twice as hard to get a fraction of the results

#

I get that my course load right now is kind of wack, but still

#

I think I've just run out of energy and now I'm crashing and burning and it's kind of the worst time this could happen

#

I have two more weeks

#

two more

#

and yet there's not really anything I can do about anything

#

I feel like getting out of bed and getting ready for the day takes so much more effort for me than it does for "normal" people

#

choosing to do my homework

#

making food

#

sticking to a routine

#

why can't I get anything done

elfin rover
#

Oh, how ironic

#

I came back to say the same thing today

#

I honestly have no idea whether or not I just suck at doing things and need to learn to get good and try harder

#

Or if I genuinely have a disorder and would benefit from treatment/therapy of some sort

spring oyster
#

I'm sorry if you didn't want replies but

#

It seems like you might have autism, I'm not the best at it but..

elfin rover
#

I think I put replies ok as a tag here maybe

spring oyster
#

Yeah you did

elfin rover
#

Yeah, I’ve been working on an ADHD diagnosis, but my parents have been a little bit… hesitant

spring oyster
#

Oof I said Autism

elfin rover
#

I just think it (whatever “it” is) would help me understand myself more

spring oyster
#

Sorry I meant ADHD

spring oyster
#

I'm officially diagnosed with both ADHD and autism, it makes me understand why I'm like this

#

It definitely will help you aswell

elfin rover
#

Yeah :)

#

I’m glad it’s helped you!!

spring oyster
#

Thankie!

elfin rover
#

This has just been going on all my life and I brought it up back in like middle school

spring oyster
#

I was actually just going to my journal when I saw you typing in yours and decided to check it out

elfin rover
#

But my parents didn’t really take it seriously

spring oyster
#

They still don't

elfin rover
#

Problems came back in high school big time

#

And now that I’m on my own, I can finally do something abt it myself

#

But dang is is expensive 😭😭

spring oyster
#

That's good!!

spring oyster
#

Therapy is way too expensive

elfin rover
spring oyster
#

Here is cheaper than America but it's because 500 USD here is like 25k.. so they're like 10usd here but still a Lot Here

elfin rover
#

But that I was basically poster child, definition of inattentive type ADHD

spring oyster
elfin rover
elfin rover
spring oyster
elfin rover
#

No fr I completely agree 😭😭

spring oyster
#

Indeed

elfin rover
#

Idk why they’re so against socialised healthcare

#

My family actually lives in Europe where things are a bit cheaper

#

Or, more affordable at least

spring oyster
#

Oh nice

elfin rover
#

So to come here it was a culture shock

spring oyster
#

I live in the middle East 👍

#

Specifically Egypt

elfin rover
#

Oh, cool!

spring oyster
#

Not cool

#

Not cool at all

elfin rover
#

Ah true

#

Very tense times right now

spring oyster
#

Yeah

elfin rover
#

I do like the food there, though

spring oyster
#

Plus that middle East has some of the most queerphobic countries ever

elfin rover
#

Pretty tasty

spring oyster
elfin rover
#

Even here it’s better 😬😬

spring oyster
spring oyster
elfin rover
#

The irony 😭😭

#

And I have the benefit of having citizenship, so I’m at least physically safe here

spring oyster
#

Lucky

elfin rover
#

Probably

spring oyster
#

I'm planning to either immigrate to Canada, or to Ireland

elfin rover
#

Who knows what the clowns will be up to next 😭😭

#

Ooh both are good places

spring oyster
#

Indeed they are

elfin rover
#

Okay, I’ve never been to either, but I know people from those places haha

spring oyster
#

Same lol

elfin rover
#

I hear Canada can get really cold

spring oyster
#

Well-not Ireland honestly

spring oyster
elfin rover
#

As long as you can understand the accent you should be good haha

spring oyster
#

Yeah haha

elfin rover
#

I have enough of a hard time in the UK sometimes

#

Anyways I ought to go to bed, was just doing some writing before sleeping, I have exams tomorrow 😭😭

#

It was nice chatting :)

#

Thanks for popping in!

spring oyster
#

Ofcie!

#

Goodnight!!

elfin rover
#

Well… I finished exams

#

Did I do well?

#

Hell no

#

So I just feel empty inside

spring oyster
#

I'm here for you

elfin rover
#

That’s so kind

#

Today I learnt an important lesson

spring oyster
elfin rover
#

I learned the importance of clear communication and not trying to please everyone all the time

elfin rover
# spring oyster What so?

For weeks, my boyfriend has been asking what my plans post-finals were and I gave him (and my grandparents) vague non-answers because I didn’t want to decide and do something that would hurt any of them. In doing that, I thought that if I don’t decide, life will decide for me and then nobody can fault me for what ends up happening. That couldn’t be further from the truth. After a series of unfortunate events, my non-decision led me to go to my grandparents even after I knew my boyfriend had also been making plans and arrangements for us to spend a little bit of time together before I left to go home to my parents. My non-answers to him made him feel like he was being led on about my plans and then betrayed in the end.

#

So today I vow to learn how to make decisions and stick to them

#

And communicate what’s going on, clearly.

spring oyster
#

Oh wow

#

Seems like you learned a great life lesson

elfin rover
#

Yeah

#

Just sad that I hurt my boyfriend in the process :(

#

No more making excuses, no more non-answers

spring oyster
#

You're a good person, @elfin rover

#

Yknow that, right?

elfin rover
spring oyster
elfin rover
#

Boyfriend and I are okay. I was worried, but ever since Saturday things have been normal tbh, I think he was just feeling a lot and had to get some things off his chest. I’m glad we were able to talk about those things and still be close

#

I’m so tiredddd

#

But I don’t want to sleep hahaha

spring oyster
elfin rover
#

Omg??? I’ve somehow become the person my friend came to for info about asexuality/lgbt community????

#

Ngl bro is the last person I thought would be looking into this and trying to understand his own sexuality

#

But I’m glad ik a lot abt this so hopefully I can help 😭😭

elfin rover
#

Okay ngl I’m low-key still shook abt him asking abt it

#

Like

#

I never would have guessed Kuma is demisexual ngl

#

But hey, welcome to the club

elfin rover
#

Y’all discord can be scary

#

That’s all I’m going to say :(

spring oyster
elfin rover
#

I’m okay now though :)

spring oyster
spring oyster
elfin rover
#

Yeah, played some Stardew and enjoyed time with my husband Harvey (he’s best boy, nobody can change my mind, I love him)

#

Sad that bf is camping so I couldn’t talk to him though

#

But that’s okay, I’m much less shaken up now :)

spring oyster
elfin rover
spring oyster
elfin rover
#

Oh nooo unfortunately

#

He’s camping rn so I can’t play with him 😔

#

That’s the character I’m married to in-game

#

And I can absolutely tell you abt both of them though haha

#

Ooh I got some sort of achievement

#

Sweet

spring oyster
#

Oo Okie

elfin rover
#

I gotta sleep now tho

#

Busy day tmr, cousins and my other grandparents are coming over for lunch!

elfin rover
#

Wow it’s been a week

#

(In a good way :))

elfin rover
#

Still exhausted, but also still good

#

(I forgot how tiring travelling with family can be 😭😭)

elfin rover
#

I did lots of thinking today

#

Some D&D planning

#

And then some existential questions about my future career

#

I just want to help everyone and it’s hard to come to terms with the fact that I simply can’t, it’s impossible.

#

Impossible

#

Absolutely impossible

#

So I need to focus on what I can do

#

And you know what I can do right now?

#

Not a lot, tbh, I’m not even doing hospital rounds yet

#

But the community I have influence over is my family, so I can help them in ways that will be impactful

#

I need to focus on the communities that I can serve

#

As a nurse-in-training

#

And then as a nurse

#

When I’m doing hospital rounds, then I’ll have a different community that I’ll be serving hand have influence over, but right now I can’t do anything for them

#

But I can also start preparing and learning about the issues that my patients might face and learn all that I can so that I can help them in the best capacity possible :)

#

One thing I’ve been thinking about today is how I can improve health literacy

#

I come from a family that is quite literate and careful about health, and I’m so SO glad about that.

#

But not every family is as fortunate, and I wonder what I might be able to do about that in the future.

#

I think starting with helping kids is a good idea.

#

Idk

#

I ought to go to bed

elfin rover
#

Today I went to a talent show

#

It was soooo cool

#

I loved each and every one of the acts, they were all so unique and special!!

#

My favourite was probably this group that did like, a mini speedrun of the beauty and the beast as a musical

#

They were SO GOOD

#

makes me want to get into theatre again

#

I have no idea where I’d even start though hahah

#

I was gonna say something else but I forgot what it was hahahaha

#

OH

#

there was a frog that came in and was hopping around

#

I called someone to come get it but they didn’t believe me at first haha

elfin rover
#

I can sleep in tonightttt

elfin rover
#

Bf arrived, safe and sound :)

elfin rover
#

Sometimes I feel helpless

#

Like life keeps going and going

#

Without me, just like in my Pathophysiology class

#

I didn’t have enough time to process things and learn them and commit them to memory

#

Now I don’t have time to think about things, and my future and what I want

#

And time just keeps on marching forward

#

Forward, forward, forward

#

On and on it keeps marching

#

Marching without a stop

#

No time to wait for me, it just keeps on marching

#

I’ve fallen down, and I don’t have time to get up

#

But on and on the band of time keeps marching

#

Marching, marching, marching

#

I have to time to get up and continue forward

#

So I lay there, helpless, getting trampled

elfin rover
#

This feels like the beginning of the end

#

Again

#

This trip has been anything but what I thought it would be

#

Okay f u c k my life, I just can’t catch a break, can I?

#

BF’s visit was supposed to be for my family to get to know him better

#

And now he feels like he’ll never be seen as good enough in my dad’s eyes, and I feel like my dad has been waaaay too tough on him and just scrutinising his every move

#

I love my dad, but he can be so fucking difficult

#

Why can’t he just like my bf

#

He loooooved my ex, but that’s just bc my ex was so similar to him

#

Kuma is into politics and is well-travelled, and an academic

#

All things that my dad likes about himself

#

Tsuru isn’t really any of those things

#

He comes from a very different background

#

He isn’t as into politics (I’m more into politics than he is and that is saying something)

#

He isn’t very well-travelled and doesn’t know a lot about the world

#

But he’s sweet and loving and caring

#

And he is so willing to make sacrifices and does his best to make me happy

#

He takes care of me and wants to try new things with me

#

But of course, dad only sees the bad

#

I want to go back somewhere else

#

Anywhere but here tbh

#

I love my parents but it feels like they don’t give me enough credit as an adult

elfin rover
#

A little bit better, dad and bf played Mario party with me this evening

elfin rover
#

Bf left today 🥺

#

I’m so sadddddd

#

I won’t be able to see him for MONTHS

elfin rover
#

Today I’ve been thinking about a lot of things

#

The current political… clownery (okay, I should keep that to a minimum, perhaps that’s for the best), how to stand up for what I think is right, relationships, and the future

#

Most of those things are kinda… stressful

elfin rover
#

Everything going on around the world fills me with sadness. Sadness that so many people are getting hurt and mistreated, and nobody does a thing. Sadness that we could be collaborating and working together to solve problems in our communities, but instead both sides use ideas to push us further apart. It all feels so performative and absurd.

#

But I don’t know how I can do anything about all of this

elfin rover
#

As someone going into one of my lifelong passions, medicine, the current state of medical “information” in my country is so so deeply scary

#

I can’t believe that years and years and years of information and experience are just being tossed out like that, because of some guy’s lack of knowledge, critical thinking and following what suits him best.

#

It worries me that the very institutions that I’ll be getting my certifications from and receiving my information and research from are in danger of no longer being reliable

#

How am I supposed to make good medical decisions if I can’t even trust the literature I have access to?

#

It’s so so scary

#

We were heading in such a good direction

#

I thought we had finally started to see our way out of ableism, sexism, racism, homophobia etc in our research and policies in medicine

#

of course don’t misunderstand; I’m not saying we were doing well at those things in the slightest- we weren’t - but we were starting to make changes

#

Not too long ago, women were still being diagnosed with hysteria - a very fictitious condition- and being sent to asylums for it

#

Not too long ago, gay men weren’t allowed to donate life-saving blood because AIDS was seen as the gays’ disease

#

But we have been correcting our wrongs and doing our duty to make progress

#

But now, for every step in the right direction we had taken, it feels like we’re taking several back

#

How are we supposed to make our citizens “healthy again” by taking away their supports and rights?

#

How are we supposed to pioneer new research when now the research that can be published is cherry-picked by a board of nincompoops?

#

How are we supposed to help the most vulnerable when only the elite can afford to be seen?

#

This is unfair

#

This isn’t the system I signed up for. This isn’t a system run by people who want to help other people

#

This is an anti-science administration that doesn’t care about the majority, only the wealthy and elite, it’s an administration that wants to control the population and their rights

#

I am deeply disappointed in everything that’s going on right now

elfin rover
#

Oh how wonderful that nowhere is safe

#

Apparently the country where I grew up (and where my parents are currently living) is also having political unrest

#

My parents’ home country has never been the most stable, the country where I live is… um… a mess and now here, too?

elfin rover
#

My journal makes it seem like I’m not happy

#

I’m very anxious, (very very) but I’m not unhappy

#

Life has slowed down a little bit

#

I’m lucky enough to be in a little town outside of where the chaos is happening

#

And I’m lucky enough to (when I’m back in the States) be in a little town where admittedly not much happens

#

I hope that our large amounts of international students doesn’t attract unwanted attention

#

But I just feel nothing but empathy for anyone in those situations

elfin rover
#

Did some cardio this morning

elfin rover
#

And went to the pool today

elfin rover
#

how do I quiet my loud brain

#

it's so loud and busy and just always going

#

I can't focus on my homework

#

wlkefjksdhgfjkqgqre

#

njfgjkhfgjkrf

#

jkebrgjrhgrhglksndgflsd

elfin rover
#

Heh I finished

#

Eventually

elfin rover
#

Today I got that feeling again

#

I miss the way I looked when I was depressed

#

I was unhappy, that’s true

#

Everything was numb and Joy was hard to come by

#

But at least I looked nice

#

I was looking at some pictures from that time and I was really at my best

#

I’ve gained so much weight I’m almost disgusted my it

#

I’m posting this not because I’m miserable and want to wallow in my misery

#

But to model the approach I’m going to take towards tackling this

#

Although perhaps at first I just wanted to wallow 😅

elfin rover
#

ok back to my rants for a sec

#

nvm

#

idk how to word it ahahah

elfin rover
#

ok I'm back

#

ummmm

#

all I get from this "tYLeNoL caUsEs AuTiSm" BS is that they want women to suffer, they want to contine to neglect women's health and they are just bad

#

jsfkjsdgk

#

I am LIVID

#

WHY

#

sdhjgsdlhgkfhgjkdfjglkdfg

#

ksdfljdslfj

#

skdnsd

#

LMFAO even autism speaks is refuting this

elfin rover
#

I started yesterday “officially”

#

TW: talk about weight and body image

||As of right now I think I weigh about 170lbs (yes, I know, I’m working on it y’all) I’m a 34DD (here’s hoping that doesn’t change…)||

(To measure progress)

#

I’m going to try to make small, simple changes to my everyday that will overall together make a positive impact

#

I’m going to watch my portions a bit more carefully, but also eat enough, just make sure my meals are balanced (bc being hungry will just result in bingeing 🥰🥰)

#

I’m going to aim for 5,000 steps a day, to start!! I want to work up towards 10,000

#

I’m doing workouts with my mom

ripe echo
#

Don't know if it was you I shared this with or not, but I managed to put myself on a plan that saw my weight shoot down dramatically

elfin rover
#

I’m going to try to move more during the day (I sit at my desk and do a lot of work 😭😭)

elfin rover
ripe echo
#

Started at around 180-190 maybe and got down to 150 when I stopped

#

Walking was the biggest thing

#

though I went nuts with it. 20k steps daily

elfin rover
#

Dang! I can only aspire to those goals haha

#

I need to find out how to incorporate walking into my schedule better

ripe echo
#

It was at a very relaxed place. I would either be in VC, listening to music, or listening to news while I was doing it

#

It's easy to do it when you're attention is split imo

elfin rover
#

Fe

ripe echo
#

Though it's a huge time commitment, 20k takes roughly 3 hours to do

#

I do recommend getting as many steps in during the work/school day as possible, it helps

elfin rover
#

Yeah for sure

#

When I was on campus it felt a little more doable since I had to walk to class etc…

#

But now I’m just doing online classes, so I have a more free schedule, technically

ripe echo
#

I do prefer online classes

#

If it is possible to listen to lecture on your phone then maybe that'll help

elfin rover
#

It’s mostly schoolwork o do on my laptop ngl

ripe echo
#

Gotcha

#

As for the other two parts of my plan, I limited myself to one decent sized meal a day (stay under 1800 calories if possible) and I worked out 2 hours a week (you can skip this, I mostly did it for strength and asthetics)

#

It's very aggressive but the goal is to burn more calories than you are taking in essentially

elfin rover
#

Yeah ofc

#

I’m also working on my strength bc I’ll be hopefully working in the hospital in a few semesters, so I want to be sure I can survive a shift lmao

ripe echo
#

fair enough

#

high endurance for long shifts

#

the walking should help with that if you do a lot of it

elfin rover
#

Yeahhhh

#

For sure

#

For me the most important isn’t the speed at which I do this, but how sustainable it is

#

Want to lose the weight and keep it that way

#

So ofc that’s going to come with lifestyle changes :)

elfin rover
#

I think part of the reason I like crafts like embroidery and crochet is that I can’t rush those things :) it takes as long as it takes and there’s nothing I can do about it

#

But it’s the process that I enjoy about it :)

ripe echo
#

There is enjoyment in the process. I was super happy and into it though I was highly motivated to do it at the time..

elfin rover
ripe echo
#

Yeah if you aren’t cooking for yourself your options generally aren’t the best but you can make it work

elfin rover
#

Yeah, but I’m going to look for easy and faster recipes (so I can spend less money and eat healthier :))

elfin rover
#

This week we did cardio and legs on Tuesday, abs and arms on Wednesday and mixed on Thursday

#

Already feeling a little stronger (probably placebo effect though ahaha)

#

Got a good amount of steps in today (Friday) and glad to have a rest over the weekend :)

#

Might do some cardio by myself on Monday, but we’ll see!

elfin rover
#

Hehe I have a headache

#

I don’t want to work but I have to finish this darn assignment

#

Idk why I struggle so much

elfin rover
#

Bf SHed apparently

#

I don’t like being so far away

#

I can’t do anything to help

#

And I don’t know what to do

#

I feel so sad knowing he’s clearly going through a lot and there’s nothing I can do to help

elfin rover
#

It feels like everyone around me is suffering

elfin rover
#

He’s doing better

elfin rover
#

I'm sad

#

feeling kind of empty

#

and annoyed

#

I don't feel like I have anyone who I'm truly close to, even my boyfriend

#

I'm always there for everyone else

#

trying to reach out and help

#

maybe I'm just a bad friend

#

I'm forgetful and bad at messaging

#

I get too sucked into work and I kinda sucka t getting things done, so even if I wanted to do things with others, I wouldn't be able to

#

not even my family really understand me

#

I feel so alone and just kinda numb

#

what the heck

#

this came out of freaking nowhere

#

how did I end up here in my life

#

I'm a tired, "overworked", friendless university student

#

I do things only out of necessity

#

I miss being in middle school

#

I had close friends

#

my friend... we'll call her Fukuro, (owl, because she is so smart and studious)

#

we would have sleepovers pretty often

#

and talk about all sorts of things

#

and play sims all night

#

we made our whole friend group

#

and then married ourselves to our fictional crushes

#

I miss not worrying over everything I've ever said and done

#

I miss not having this weird, complicated relationship with my parents

#

ugh I need to focus on getting my ethics paper done so I can go to bed

#

does everyone just think I have everything sorted?

#

like, no

#

I'm a complete mess

#

-# I also don't want to write my ethics paper

#

-# ethics kinda... sucks and I don't want to write about it

#

I never want to write tbf

elfin rover
#

Perhaps all this was a sign that my depression is coming back

ripe echo
#

Well shit

#

Doing something about it as early as possible can stop things from getting really bad so I urge you to do what you can

elfin rover
#

Gotta figure out how to combat this

ripe echo
#

Well, that’s the part I don’t have much insight to give on unfortunately

#

What I can tell you is without a reason to get better, you won’t

elfin rover
#

asjdsjfd of course my body is just in shambles now, too 😭 just what I needed

#

oh well, I suppose

#

time management and motivation with ADHD are no joke

#

and I feel so unimaginably uncomfortable?

lilac whale
#

hello! I'm new to "journals" so forgive me if I make mistakes here. I think I'm going to start my own journal. I used to do it sometimes with pen and paper, but I don't anymore. Anway, if you think your depression may be coming back, I have some suggestions. Not trying to tell you what to do, just some ideas that may help.

#

One way to get out of depression is to force yourself to do healthy things even though you feel lousy. Go outside and get some fresh air and sunshine. Take a shower and wash your hair. DON'T lie in bed for 3 days feeling sorry for yourself - we need to fight those kinds of feelings and remind ourselves of good things in our lives. Watch a funny movie, or goats frolicking about on Youtube or something. Eat a healthy meal. Force your self to clean part of you room or go grocery shopping. You get the idea.

#

If that kind of thing can you get you OUT of depression, then it can probably help you not fall into bad depression in the first place

#

sorry for the wall of text!

elfin rover
#

I thought I had answered earlier, but I guess not

#

thanks so much for the tips :) I really appreciate it!!!

elfin rover
#

WELL I went to the dr this week

#

And she was a wee bit concerned at my rapid weight gain

#

But I’m working on it

#

These last two weeks have kinda been off….

#

Next week I’m back at working out though

elfin rover
#

well

#

this week has been interesting

elfin rover
#

Kuma

#

Kuma, Kuma, Kuma

#

What am I to do about you

#

I still sometimes think about our relationship and wish things were the same

#

It was so comfortable and nice

#

But I also know I long for something long gone…

#

I should sleep, staying up this late can’t be good for me

elfin rover
#

Kuma, why do I still kind of want you, even after these two years

#

what is wrong with me

elfin rover
#

I think maybe this has to do with the fact that I'm not happy in my current relationship

#

so I look back at what we had and it seems so much better

#

because I know I'm still looking back and longing for something long gone and just feeling nostalgic

#

but it made me happier than I am right now

elfin rover
#

I hate being in the place that I am

#

it's a different place than I was this time two years ago, but also kind of similar

#

I feel so lost

#

so incredibly lost and confused

elfin rover
#

Why do I feel sad at hearing the news that you got with someone

#

I feel so absolutely terrible about this

#

I’m taken

#

We wouldn’t have worked out anyways

#

So why do I feel sad?

#

I wonder if this is how you felt when you heard I got a bf

#

Crap it feels like I’m grieving a second time

#

How is this even possible, I’m taken

#

It’s not like I wanted anything to happen

#

Except maybe a little part of me did

#

I feel like I’m too far in with Tsuru so I can’t back out now

#

So thinking abt you was almost an escape

#

Fuck I’m a terrible girlfriend

elfin rover
#

I don’t know what to dooooooo

elfin rover
#

I feel so empty and lost

ripe echo
#

Human emotions are unfortunately complex

#

It’s hard to completely let go of people you’re attached to, even if they ended up burning you in the end and you’re better off without them

elfin rover
elfin rover
#

well

#

I just had to send a message bc I didn't want my journal to disappear 😭

#

yesterdayI had some interesting interactions though

ripe echo
#

Oh now that you mention it mine has

elfin rover
#

back to keep my journal from disappearing

#

feeling meh again, might write abt it tmr though

elfin rover
#

I'm worried about bf

#

he was saying some things before he went to bed that lead me to believe that maybe he relapsed again

#

he's been more and more tired

#

the other day he missed most of his morning class...

#

and I don't think he's up yet, which is frankly kind of worrying

#

TW from here on out: suicide and self-harm mentions

#

|| I don't think he's attempt without sending me some sort of note or something. I also don't think his last message would have been what it was if that were the case, but I'm still worried. I suspect that he's maybe been cutting or struggling in other ways, because he was up pretty late and was talking about some of the themes that are tied to his SH in the past. I know there's nothing I can do from across a whole country and an ocean, but I'm still worried about him.||

#

||He should have been up like an hour and a half ago... Ik he's probably just tired and stuff since he stayed up so late, but I still can't help but worry... ||

elfin rover
#

Okay, well as it turns out he doesn’t have class today

#

He’s probably just sleeping in

#

I’m still a little bit worried, but not as much

elfin rover
#

He was okay

#

He was just sleeping in

#

Still hasn’t told me what last night was about so I’m a little worried but ig we’ll see

elfin rover
#

I'm not sure why I was so worried

#

He's fine now

elfin rover
#

Im so sleepy

#

I feel weird but I can’t place my finger on why

ripe echo
#

Yeah, how it is a lot of the time

elfin rover
#

With the recent passing of my great grandfather I’ve been thinking a lot about life

#

My aunt just put together an album with pictures with him all throughout his life

#

He looked like he was a fun grandpa

#

I know he was a fun great grandpa

#

It’s also looking and seeing pictures of my father when he was younger

#

It’s weird to think he was once a little kid, just like I once was

#

It’s probably weird for my baby sister to see pictures of me from when I was younger, too

elfin rover
#

It's so frustrating trying to get uni course work done here at home

#

my baby sister cannot play on her own, she's always had attention 24/7 so she doesn't know how to keep kerself entertained

#

so what does she do? she keeps coming into my room and pestering me

#

I love her to bits, but I need to be able to concentrate on a task for more than a few minutes at a time to actually get stuff done

elfin rover
#

I’m such a bad friend

#

And a failure of a human being

#

I can’t manage to do anything right, I always manage to hurt someone in some way

#

Ugh ik I probably shouldn’t believe anything I think rn bc it’s actually PMDD time I just realised

#

But it doesn’t take away from the fact that I feel like absolute shit

#

I feel like such a mess, what the hell

elfin rover
#

Well fuck

#

Was talking to bf and somehow we got on the topic of ai boyfriends and girlfriends and that somehow come to the topic of my strange sexuality and then he put the pieces together and realised I’m asexual

#

So um that’s fun

#

I might be broken up with soon

#

Doesn’t make me feel very good

#

(Oh for context we’re waiting for marriage which if you have an opinion abt I please keep that to yourself :))

#

And I understand why he’s upset, really, I do

#

Sex is supposed to be a really important part of relationships so I can understand why that news might be disappointing to him

#

It just makes me feel like I couldn’t possibly find someone out there for me

elfin rover
#

This is why I keep to myself and don’t let anyone in

elfin rover
#

I feel so shit

elfin rover
#

Okay, I don’t think we’re going to break up, probably

#

But I still feel overwhelmed by the situation

past olive
#

Can I dm

elfin rover
#

He and I talked about it

#

It wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be

elfin rover
#

Feeling pretty meh again

#

Had a “fight” of sorts with bf today

elfin rover
#

Ugh now I have rlly bad cramps

elfin rover
#

Ok
I’m really mad

#

I know I shouldn’t complain

#

But I’m super mad at my grade for my final paper

elfin rover
#

I worked SO HARD on that paper

#

Got 100% on LITERALLY EVERYTHING ELSE

#

But I didn’t get good feedback on the paper from
My classmates

#

My professor didn’t get back to me when I contacted her in the way she asked us all to contact her

#

And I got docked points for stuff that I could have fixed had she gotten back to me

#

I feel cheated and let down

#

Honestly I kinda feel like she just didn’t want to give another 100

#

But it kinda tanked my grade

#

I just feel like I did all that fucking work for nothing now

#

I worked SO HARD ok that paper

#

Also what do you mean one or two sources weren’t credible… I got them all from academic journals from the place she told us to get info from….

elfin rover
#

Merry Christmas 🎄

elfin rover
#

Had a fight with boyfriend but we got things sorted

ripe echo
#

that's good

#

been a while since I checked in

elfin rover
elfin rover
ripe echo
elfin rover
#

Ughhh had another fight with bf abt plans for the upcoming week

#

We resolved it but I still have a lingering feeling of uneasiness

elfin rover
#

Happy New Year to all!!

#

As it’s the new year, I thought I would write a little update on my weight loss so from here on out:

TW for discussions of weight, body image and food

#

I started out on this back in maybe October ish but I honestly haven’t been doing very well

#

I’ve just continued to gain weight and haven’t gotten any healthier

#

So I’m going to make it a resolution to “lose weight” but honestly ik I have to made it better but I’m still reflecting on what exactly I want my goal to be

#

TW for specific numbers when it comes to weight
|| Last time I checked in, I weighed around 170, but now I’ve gained almost 20 more pounds and weigh 187 lbs ||

#

Trying to be kind to myself about it but it’s not easy

#

It’s pretty discouraging but I also haven’t been good at keeping up with anything

#

This time I should make more of a plan and also give myself more measurable and attainable goals

#

So I’ll think abt that and come back with an update on specifics

#

I know that I should stay in the guidelines of losing about 2-ish pounds a week

#

And based on some very baseline research I’ve done, a good starting goal is to lose 5% of current weight

#

So that’s abt 9.4 lbs

#

So that should take (if I manage to lose 2kg a week) about 4-5 weeks (a month!!)

#

So ig I can make that my first goal

#

I’d like to get to 130 lbs but ik that’s a bit of a stretch

#

I mean, ideally I’d get back to 120 ish, but that’s even more unreasonable

#

I also read about having a clear motivation for the change because it requires real lifestyle adjustments

#

I really want to better my health (not that I’m unhealthy) but more importantly as prevention for worse health outcomes

#

With a higher weight comes risks of diabetes, heart disease, sleep apnea and more

#

So I want to do the most for myself to not land myself in hot water

elfin rover
#

This week/weekend has been hectic

#

Oh ig I should put a TW here: I’ll be discussing self-harm and maybe suicide

#

But I was helping bf clean out a drawer that hadn’t been cleaned out in a while bc we were at his parents’ and when his sister walked in and also started to poke around the drawer he was like “oh let me check to make sure there isn’t anything bad in here” and when we found some cotton pads he quickly was like “oh that’s… from yk… the bandaids, too” and shoved the cotton in my hands to get thrown out. Idk, I forget sometimes that he struggled with ||cutting|| because sure, he has some big scars on his arm from his ||suicide attempt|| but most of his scars are covered by clothes and I’ve actually never even seen them and ig I also never knew him without them so there’s like, a disconnect there and I didn’t know him when he was actively doing it so to me ik those events happened, but it’s hard to imagine it if that makes any sense????

Like ik he did it again a few months ago, but I didn’t know him when it was an active problem, so it seems so distant to me ig???

#

And then he was showing me his knife collection (boys lol) and when I made some comment he reassured me that he would never use them to ||SH because they were too dull and then told me about what he would use instead|| and idk, that was just kinda sad to hear him talk abt it and made me a little worried, ig… like I figured he shaved with an electric razor for… safety reasons, but I didn’t realise that like, idk what I’m even trying to say

#

So it’s been on my mind ever since like, Saturday

#

And ik I should probably talk to him about it, but it’s also made me think like, “oh should I get rid of my ||razor and pencil sharpener|| when we move in together?”

#

But I just don’t know how to bring it up or talk about it

#

I think there’s still some shame surrounding it given how he reacted when his sister walked in (or maybe that was just him wanting to protect his sister from seeing anything from that side of himself, I suppose) and that’s just in general a topic that people have a hard time with

#

But anyways I got all moved in and my classes start today

elfin rover
#

Finished my first week of school

elfin rover
#

I think this semester will be nice

#

Just electives so hopefully it will be breezy

elfin rover
#

Just got back home from a weekend trip

#

Kinda tired

#

But that’s okay

elfin rover
#

Ew intrusive thoughts are the worst wth

elfin rover
#

I’ve never had a problem with intrusive thoughts

#

I’ve certainly had them before, but they’ve never been a problem per se

#

But last night was kinda weird

#

I should sleep though hahah

elfin rover
#

Had some good convos with bf today

elfin rover
#

Heck yeah

#

Im officially a nursing student ☺️

elfin rover
#

Today has been so badddd

elfin rover
#

So eepy

elfin rover
#

I didn't get the job :((

#

I really needed it, and I feel like I was such a qualified candidate