It's hell dealing with this
#Bacon's Deranged Thoughts and Spam
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This song instantly made me cry
I have to learn to accept what is happening and move on
I'll try not to relapse again like last week
I plan to make myself betted
Make some changes
Make sure whoever I'm with next
I'll be deserving of them
No more feeling sorry for myself
It's time I work on myself
He's moving on now and I'll have to do the same
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I'm backkk
And you know the reason whyyy!!!!!!1!1!1!!
Judt feeling real down again
Swimming was supposed to relax me not make me feel worse smh
Life just feels unfair
One moment I'm happy and the next I'm utterly upset for 0 reasons
I judt feel like dead weight in the world
Just useless
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Still feeling the same
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School is back ughh
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I miss being able to feel loved by someone I also love lots
I miss being able to text someone everyday about what I've been doing and check in on them to see what they've been up to
I miss just messaging someone freely without being afraid of being ignored or annoying
I wish someone else is looking for love and is interested in me
I've always been chasing after people and getting rejected
I guess I matured too early
Or I just can't grasp reality yet
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I just feel so dead 24/7
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Just 3 days after that
I think I might have found someone
Still working out in my brain everything though
Gonna take it slow this time and get to know him more
He's a real nice person
Great texter
Fun to talk to
I mean I only talked to him yesterday
Meeting today for lunch
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I think I might have found someone
Apparently not the guy I thought he was
He expected me to change the way I dress
I was already self confidence before and now he's going to add onto it
Why is finding love so damn hard
I know I was shitty in my past relationship
But I don't think I deserve to be tortured this much
I just want another person I can put my time into
I feel so empty without someone else to complete me
I beg the universe to give me someone I can sing this song to while we are sitting on the beach watching the sunset...
I just feel like I should stop trying
I don't think I'll be able to find someone anytime soon
I say this but I know I'll be trying it again tomorrow
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This song randomly appeared in my mix today
And it immediately caught my ears in the chorus
I want to sing this to whoever is in the next chapter of my life
One day I will, one day
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Tears are rolling down now
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ugly crying noiw
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I wish to find someone soon
It feels so lonely at times
It feels so tiring to put in the effort to talk to others
But then no one ever puts in the same amount of effort to talk to me
I just
Want to go offline
Stop chatting with the people I keep chatting with
Just stop putting in the effort
Because it's so tiring
And I want to start respecting myself
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I just don't get why he doesn't want me to care about him
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You know
I feel happy his new friend is more caring than I ever was
At least I know he is in the right hands
I can't say I'm not jealous yet
But it's really low
I don't feel my morale lowering
It stayed the same
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Apparently, I woke up with a huge coughing fit earlier
I managed to sleep and woke up around 12
Had blood in my phlegm
A little
Like
I knew it was blood because it was discoloured
I'm guessing it's nothing wrong
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I don'y understand my mom
I fail to understand why she mudt keep fucking annoying me
If I said no, it means no
Stop fucking asking me
And then she throws a tantrum like a fucking child when I finally had enough and get mad
If I don't want to do something
It means fucking no
I'm not a fucking child to control
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I'm in that state where I don't know if I'll find a boyfriend
It's just so hard to even find someone I like
I'm picky with my type and it's just hard to find someone to click with
I can slowly feel myself moving on from my ex at least
He's still a great guy and I hope he lives a good life with his friend
I wish I can just find my own great friend to be with
Nights have been lonely and days have been boring
If my soulmate is out there, I hope I find you soon
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I regret getting on the game we used to play together today
Just seeing him lose so many times while playing with his friend
Yet he fucking scolds me when I made one singular mistake and stops talking to me for the night
At least he learnt to not make the same mistake he did to me 50+ times
But still
I just feel so
Hurt?
Jealous?
It just feels so unfair
How he treated me so cold and mean when I make a mistake
It's so fucking unfair
I was playing with a friend earlier
When I almost made a mistake
I seriously braced myself to be scolded
That's how much I was affected
It's just so unfair
I just can't
I'll likely never hop back on that game again
The feelings I experienced today is not worth
At least I can make a quick buck from the account
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I thought I could handle the memories
I forgot we even had memories here
I miss him so bloody much
I self destructed the fucking last piece of friendship we even had
All of it is gone now
We arem't friends anymore
The person I talked to and shared everything with slowly disappeared from my life
All because of me
I honestly don't know when I can get over him
I don't know if he wants to be friends ever again
If you still care enough to see this and the bullshit I write, I apologide for all the wrongdoings I had done during our relationship
I'll be there to contact if you need a friend or someone to help you out
Please take care of yourself and remember that you have freat friends to help you along the way
I'll stay out of your life until you want me to return, if you want me to return
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I met up with someoen today
Was supposed to be for a chit chat and then we entered the toilet
We entered the same stallcas he just wanted to see
But like it started getting weird
I do not consent to anything in public
I don't know how to feel
I told him I was not comfortable and it kept going
I just feel like vomitting
I judt eish I can talk to someone to calm down
Just take my mind off
I feel like I moght pabic
I felt like I was about to break down
I hated it
I just feel like crying a bit
I wish to just forget it all
He even tried giving me a hickey but it looks more like a cut instead
I panicked quite hard at that
I think I'm calming down now
I just feel so afraid still
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Man my experience on Tinder has been unfortunate
Three things
First is finding the people that liked me is near impossible
Second is they don't message back after matchijf
And so far I had two people being unsure of what they want to find
Understandable and not disappointed since I expected that from both situationz
The search continued
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Reflecting in what I kept doing to my ex, I just feel bad for constantly flaming him and being mad at him for something that's over now
In all honesty, it's just me trying to cope with his lost still, trying to make him the bad guy in my mind so I no longer feel anything for him
But I just have too much love for him still that is at least slowly draining out
It's my fault we aren't friends anymore and I'm slowly accepting it. To look on the bright side, it would help me get over him faster at least
Still, I wish I could've done so many things differently in the past but that's all done and over with now
At least I'm prepared with the knowledge to make my next boyfriend happier
I'm just scared that I'll never find anyone else that treated me as well as he did
I don't want someone like him
I just want someone that can treat me right
He told me I'm special in my own way in that I helped him feel loved
But honestly, it's just who I am
After dealing with the shit I had to now, I just get stuck
Unsure of how to feeo
I'm nothing special if you want to ask me honestly
I'm just a regular human, on autopilot living life day to day
If I don't find a boyfriend, I'll have to learn to be fine with that
At this rate, I'm sloely getting used to being alone again
Hopefully I'll get used to being single for a long time because I don't think I'll be able to find someone
I had one guy that wanted to be in a relationship with me but something about him just made me refuse
It's just that enthusiastic feeling he has about being in a relationship that I don't want to be the one to crush
At least that gives me hope that someone else might want me
Honestly, if he told me he wants to be friends still and chat with me now
I wouldn't chat with him until maybe a few months or a year later
But it is nice to know I can reach out to him when I want to
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I used to spend every day during my holidays with him
Every afternoon we would meet and just hang around to enjoy each other's comoany
Then at night we would call until one falls asleep
I miss doing that so much
One day I might get that feeling again
One day
Maybe it might be tomorrow
Or next week
Next month
Next year
Just one day I hope someone would be that committed to me again
Because I just feel lonely
Slowly I'll get over this feeling
Not sure when but I will
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I just finished watching Five Feet Apart
While the ending was disappointing, I still enjoyed it
Still cried at it
It was a story of two people with cystic fibrosis
They loved each other but can't be with each other because of their disease that could kill each of them
Until one character dies and the both of them lived life less strictly
But a new lung was suddenly available for the main character, allowing her to finally be free from her condition
But the guy's treatment wasn't working and he has to leave her because he could give her the diesease again
In the end he had to leave so she can live a happy life
It was just such a sad ending
Two people that can't be near each other loves each other
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I keep having the thought of asking him if I can chat with him again
I would tell him this time I wouldn't.act like how I did towards him
I would tell him it's different
But then again, I can't prove I changed
But that's not the main reason why I choose not to
While I fully trust my self-control to not act out
I just rather heal and move on
It'l he nice having him as a friend and all and being able to talk to hik
But that wouldn't let me move on
I feel myself thinking about him less
When I go to Whatsapp I no longer go to his chats and want to message him
But of course I still wish we were friends because he wad a great friend
But I gotta remind myself to stop and move on each time
Wanting to cling onto him even as a friend is not moving on
Live and let go
If he wants to be your friend, he will let you know
If he never messages back, he's not your friend
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If you are reading this, I want to thank you for still playing pretend with me for a year more and allowing me to still have so mucb fun with yiu
I'm not sure how much I hurt you during those times but thank you. I know you enjoyed it too
I sincerely hope you live on happily and do contact me eventually
Whether it's 5 years or 10 years later, I'll have the same number so just let me know when you want to chat again
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Today it's one of those nights where I randomly misd him
These nights are slowly become rarer at least
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My ex's favourite band keeps being recommended to me
I decided to give them a listen again because I enjoyed the concert
You know reflecting
If I was more attentive and better
I would have sang these songs for him to sleep earlier
I know that if he showed me the band in the first year we met I would've done exactly that
I will learn from that mistake
And to give it my all every single day
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Here I am again
I just wish to be in a relationship
I know I saw this so many times
Say*
Well it's my journal and I get to say what I want
:>
But anyways I just feel so alone most of the time
Currently I'm talking to a guy I like and he's from the states
He says he likes me back and all but of course, my overly anxious self just doubts that
I just doubt anyone could genuinely like me and want to be with me
My ex made me feel that
But I don't know if I'll get that feeling again
It's like 2019 all over again
Crying over and over in class thinking I'll never find love
Sometimes a thought comes to mind
Just stop tryinf
Why should I be trying so damn hard
I just don't know what to do man
I don't see any likeable qualities I have
I'm poor, average and basic
I've got nothing to offer and no career to pursue
No passion in sight and have not worked a single day
I'm not special in any way
I'm just being the average human
Sometimes
I feel like giving up on life
It just feels so tough
Why should I keep myself alive for like another 60 years
What's there to look forward to everyday
All I see in my future is work, work and work
I'll be lucky to even find true love again
I just wish there's someone to reassure me
Someone I'm close to
Just tell me I matter
Tell me there's so much stuff I'm good at
Just tell me the things I just want to hear
The things I should be hearing
That's why I try to tell that to others at times
Hoping to cheer them up
Because I know how much it hurts to struggle
I'm not anyone's priority
I can be thrown aside and replaced really fast
My ex proved it
I mean he's not in the wrong
I was
But still
The things he would always say
That I'm unique and special
I'm just not and that's truth
My qualities are easily in anyone else
It just depends if they want to show them off
My ex's friend has already shown my wualities in him
Doing thinfs that I didn't even do
Doing things that is so much better than me
What do I have to offer
Maybe I should just chase away the people I know
They deserve someone better than average
I'm just average and basic
Honestly sometimes I wonder why my ex thinks I'm special
When I asked him to explain
He doesn't give me a unique explanation
All he says is that I managed to grasp at his heart at the time he needed it
That's not being special
That's just me showing him how normal humans should be treating each othef
I guess I was stupid thinking I can find loce
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Bro
I just woke
Why is YouTube recommending songs I needed last night
Already made me cry
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I have the sudden urge to meet and talk to hik
Each time I think I'm moving on, a thought like this occurs and progress seems to go three steps back
Can I move on but still have the want to talk to him?
I would argue that this would be as friends
But I truthfully can't say it's for certain
At least I'm being honest to myself this time
Best to just keep ourselves no contact I guess
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I kind of like someone currently
Mot sire if I said it earlier
He's from the states and stuff
But my issue is that
Despite us liking each other
I just don't know about a relationship
Long distance was my first worry but my main worry now is my insecurities
I just feel like pulling away
I don't know if it's just the wrong person or just how I am now
I'm afraid he will be like the first two peolple I met so far
Pulling away after I invested some time in them
Or whether or not it's even worth it
Why is my damn life so complicated
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This song reminded me what it was like in the previous relationship
I kept worrying that he slowly stopped loving me until I destroyed it
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Might just be the 3am blues
But I feel like texting him
I'm trying my best not to but I miss texting him
I feel like I can handle it
But then another part of me wonders if it's worth it
And if I can really take it
And if it's a good decision or not
And whether or not he wants to chat with me
Since he hasn't texted me at all, I assume he doesn't
Don't know why I kinda expected him to text me by now
I guess I really did fuck the friendship up hard
One part of me just wants to text me
The other part remembers how boring and uninterested he seems now when I talk to him
There's just no point I guess
I just need to surround myself with other people
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Work was draining
I really wosh I had someone to talk to about the stress
I feel loke breaking down right now
I feel like a failure because it was only the forst day but it was so tough
I started at 10 and ended at 830, almost 11 hours
They put a lot of pressure on me too
Like I know O'm supposed to know my shot but come on
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I'm just in a mix of so many emotions that it's getting overwhelming
I just had a really long first day and it just makes me feel like a soft weakling
It's only the first day and I'm already feeling this way
Am I allowed to feel this way after the first day?
I don't know
Worst of all is I just don't have a real human being that cares enough for me to tell this to them
I mean I know people that won't mind me saying these
But like it isn't the same feeling as when someone I love does it
It just made me consider suicide heavily again
I just don't think I can make it
I just feel way too weak
I don't dare ask for help because I don't want others to know
I just don't think I see a feasible future in myself
I'll consider everything a day before my birthday. If I am to act, it'll be before I turn 20 or when I turn 20
My suicidal thoughts always get more the closer I get to my birthday'
So if I can't take it then, I guess I'll be gone
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I'm hiding my thoughts from my friends and my counsellor
I'm just afraid everyone calls me weak because I can't handle day 1
I know I'm weak...
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I don't know if I'm safe tonight
I feel like I want to do something really fucking stupid
I really so
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Been 2 weeks since I left that company
I still can't find an internship and it's causing me so much stress and anxiety
Being told to calm down doesn't even help either
I feel so fucking trapped
Like what I knew would happen
My head is starting to hurt, I really need to calm down somehow
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I wish I can rewind time
Honestly
It's hard for me to say that
During my childhood, I never had a proper break
Imagine going to school from 7am and then returning home from 6pm
School ends at 130 but I go to tuition until 6
Even during the holidays, I go during those times
I feel like it has affected me so much in my adulthood now
The first time I got to enjoy my holidays was when I turned 12 because that's when I finished the exams for Primary school
People would wish they can be a child again
And I wish for that too
But every time I think about it
I hated being a child because of the tuition I had to endure every day
Even during weekends in the later part of my life I had to go tuition but for a lesser amount of time, like 2 hours
I was scolded for being slow, I believed I wasn't able to do it
Until I was a teen and learnt that I just need to understand before I can do well
When I would think back, I realised I wasn't taught anything
Because I would be told to keep trying until I get it right
That's not learning, that's trial and error. It doesn't teach shit
I wish I was a teen again
I'm almost out of it
I'm turning 20 next week and I'm scared
I'm constantly scared of the unknown
Suicide seems like the easiest option but I can never bring myself to do it because I'm afraid once again
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Instantly loved this song
I hope he's happier now
I'm moving on
I recently asked someone for a long distance relationship
He didn't say yes or no because he has to think as I'm in a very busy part of my life
And I understand it all
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Maybe I should write in here more
To express my thoughts into a place that won't judge me at all
Into a place where I won't have to be scared of what others think
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Birthday todat
For the past few years, I hated my birthday
Why not make today special and fun for myself
Let myself be free just for today
Because I think I deserve it
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Every
Single
Time
One step forward
2 fucking steps back
I dont know how much longer of this I can keep taking
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I excused myself to the toilet so I can cry. I feel so stressed out. I once again feel trapped and I want to kill myself. What’s the point of going on. I don’t want to go on anymore. It feels so fucking tough and rough. I fucking hate it here. I’ve fucking hated it for a long time. Why am I still fucking alive. Why can’t I just feel happy again? Is it so hard for me to be happy… What have I done to deserve to feel this way for so long? Life fucking suck. I fucking suck. I’m a disappointment to everyone and all I cause is trouble. It’s so much better if I just don’t fucking live anymore. All the troubles I caused would be gone instantly. I don’t know how much longer I can take of this…
This was written about an hour or two ago
Slighty teared up a feq minutes ago
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Really wish I was dead currently
The new dose still isn't helping
I still feel the same everyday
I felt so tired today
My body didn't want to get out of bed but I forced it up because I didn't want today to be a waste
I slept for 12 hours in total but I'm still tired currently
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Still tired today
I feel so useless
Like I can't even do this damn internship
How the fuck am I going to work in the future
I'm just a worthless sack of shit
Everything I feel shit about
Chains together
And makes everything fucking worse
It's all a chain reaction
Stressed cause of work
Feel like wanting to give up
Tell myself I'm weak if I give up
Or seek help
I hate everything
Everything
I got no future
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Yesterday I felt so tired again
I had 6 hours of sleep whcih I know wasn't enough
But still
I was so damn tired
Like how I fwlt on Sunday
I just wanted to lie in bed all day
Just sleep
I have more energy today with 7 hours of sleep at least
Last night was a little scary I would say
While laying in bed I imagined myswlf finding the key to my bedroom window grill so I can jump off
I imagined myself sitting on the window and eventually falling off
I became tempted to do it but I forced myself to stay in bed
The thoughts were clear and vivid
My motives were clear
I want to make improvements to my life
I really do
But it seems so hopeless and pointless
Isn't it easier to be gone?
What's my purpose?
Why am I here
I cried yesterday while thinking about how I wasn't meant to be the one born
I cried thinking I was a mistake
I just kept feeding myself these thoughts
I cried in public
I feel so weak
I can put on a fake smile and everything
I can pretend to be better for others
But in the end I don't know how strong am I anymore
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I'm trying ti chabge my mentality a little
While I still feel sad and shit, I'll do my best to make the best out of the internship
It's gonna be hard but I have to try to make the next soon to be 17 weeks an wnjoyable time
My thoughrs can get strong at times but I know I'm stronger
I just need to get past the shame I feel when typing it out to myself or telling others
Kinda embarrassing putting this much energy out only ro be crying the next day lol
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Hahaha...
Here today to report myself being sad
Not sure about sad but I'm crying
Mixed emotions
I have a boyfriend and everything now
But of course I still love my ex
I love my boyfriend a lot currently but I have some doubts and stuff in my head since we just started
It's not really something I can explain but it's just there, lingering
My current hope is to replace the love for my ex
There's a quote I always remember
"Love is never forgotten, you only love someone more"
I'm not sure about others but this holds true deeply to me
I cherish every friend and love I have
When one leaves, I can't simply get over it
It takes replacing
I still remember the random small gestures
I would sing him his favourtie childhood song every now and then because I knew how much he held it close to his heart
I would note down mentally the things he liked and got them for him
I'm moving on slowly
I'm healing slowly
He was an amazing person, an amazing first love experience
Now I got to improve myself and put the things I learnt in the previous relationship into this new one
I promise Richard, I'll do my best to make you as happy as possible
I love you so much right now and I want us to work out
I have some doubts because it just started but it will clear on its own after some more time
I still feel like I don't deserve all of this in the world
I'm not a good person
I'm nothing special
I don't even have a future planned
But he still loves me
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I just sent him a wall of text
I want to take back all the messages
It's causing so much anxiety
But I'll just head to bed
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Today will be a dark and scary night
My thoughts at the current moment feel extremely strong like never before
I have no idea what is currently holding me back but something is
I don't think the fear of death is there anymore, I think I'm ready to accept it when it comes to that
Is today the day?
Who knows
Not mw
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I got a new love of my life and I love him so much but still, I miss what we had
Richard, I promise you that I'll do my absolute fucking best to make us work
I apologise for any mistakes I make along the way
I hope we can be married one day
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I'm trying to calm myself down
I don't understand why I pressure myselr so much
I don't
Fucking
Get
My head is a complete mes
So many things going on at once
Meds aren't working
I was told by my counsellor to just try to takthem
I will from now in
But I hope it work
Because everyday I'm alive I lose my will to live
My daddy helps me out everyday
And I feel like I'm not good enough
Like fuck me right
Just keep giving myself shitty thoughts about my self worth
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I feel calm now
I have no idea if it's the meds or my own will
But either ways I'm calm
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Holy shit I got my journal back
Been a month
So fucking much happened that I needed to write about but can't remember now
But it all boils down to moments of weakness
static ingot
My other account
Lazy to swap to my main account
Tomorrow is my birthday
And I just don't know how to go about it
I hate my birthday
Ever since a few years back
I just don't enjoy it
Especially since I'm in the army now and won't have the day to myself
It's the most dangerous day of the year for me
Birthday depression hits me so fucking hard
I can cry so much easier because of it
I just don't want to turn 21
Turning into an adult makes me so scared and afraid
I don't want to age
Every other day is fine just not on the day of my birth
Because it hurts
It hurts to know I'm 21 and never accomplished anything in my life
It hurts to know I don't have any ambition
It hurts to know that I'm just a disappointment
I just.want to end it all man
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I fucking
Hate
The self help hotline
They called my fucking mom on the one day where I was brave enough to put myself to cut
Now I can';t fucking do my plan
I fucking hate them
I'm never going to fucking trust them to call again
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I've cut myself
Half intentional half unintentional
It's on my leg though
I feel so fucking ashamed now
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It's morning now
I regret what I did last night
Severely
It was just a rash act of anger and sadness
I know I would regret it
I knew I would
I just wanted a quick relief in the mean time
I got it but at what cost
I hope it doesn't scar up is all
I'm scared man
It felt good
It really did
So good
Tbh I kinda like looking at it
I don't want to do it again
I think
It felt good and looks good
But I don't want to worry othwrs
I made promises
Life is just hard
I want to do better, I really do
I have so many plans set
I have so many things I want to work on now
Like getting a better body shape
Researching on my future
Making new friends in service
But it's so much easier to just not do all that and feel like shit
And it takes so much work to even try to attempt something
It drains so muchcenergy that I already don't have
My sleeps all fucked up
I can go a full day of sleep and still go back to sleep
I told myself
Last week is when I'll do better
I haven't made any progress to do so yet
Progress takes time, I know
But like how much time will it take
Days? Weeks? Months? A year?
I keep pressuring myself
No one pressures me
It's just me
I don't know why I'm so hard on myself when no one is hard on me
People ask me why
I can't even tell them
Because I don't know
Maybe I don't want to know
Maybe I just hide it from myself
I'm not where I thought I would be
I want to work towards it
I do
But it's hard to do so
Everything is easier after today I know
I just need to survive
I just feel like all my problems are all not important
Was given two days off
Will take the time to reflect
I want to come back positive
At least try to
I feel like so much work
I know I shiuldn't think that
I just feel it
I just feel it..
Happy birthday to me...
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I thought I would feel better by now
But I just don't
I feel ashamed by what I did still
It's still not healed
I feel like shit man
I feel like I caused so many issues for everyone
It just makes me feel worse
I don't know how I should feel
I just want to be done
I feel weak and vulnerable again like two nights ago
I'm afraid I'll do it again
I'll try to resist
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I think I'm slightly better
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Yeah I think I'm better now
I have an appointment tomorrow and I'll tell the doctor I want an increased dosage
And I also want to be excused from boots, they hurt
static ingot
Two days since
I felt better
The thought still constantly lingers though and my cut is visible with shorts
I'm still disappointed by what I did, I hope it doesn't scar
errant acorn
I think I had an anxiety attack earlier
I was hyperventilating and was about to cry
I just feel like I don't fit in no matter how hard I try
I never feel like I fit in
I just don't understand why it's so hard to fit in like everyone else
I just want to be a normal person like everyone else is
I wish there was someplace quiet where no one goes that I could've stayed at
I desprately needed it
I just broke down
I couldn't take it
I wish life was easier
I'm trying man
But every step forward feels like I take two steps back
I know healing isn't linesr
But it feels like I'm never improving
I knew the signs of my anxiety
I was aware when it started
And what did I do?
You guessed it, nothing
I did nothing to stop it from happening
I was given multiple chances to calm it down but I egged it on
I don't know why I'm this way
I could've taken deep breaths
Stop thinking
But I didn't
I feel better now at least
A little bit
I still want to be alone
I don't want to go to my bunk
I want to judt stay in the toilet until lunch
I don't want to interact with anyone
I took my anxiety meds and they still don't work man
It's almost been 2 hours and I'm still anxioud
I think it calmed my mind down
But still
Maybe it's because I missed my dose yesterday
I just completely forgot
But it usually never gets this bad
I don't evem know anymore man
I just want somewhere safe
I want somewhere quiet
Where I can be alone
I want to napb
But I cant even do it in bunk
I'll disturb everyone else trying to rest woth my snoring
errant acorn
It's happening again
I feel like crying and breaking down
The fufk is wrong with me
Weak minded individual
I just wish im better man
I feel so weak
I know it takes time to get better but how long does it take man
The pills arent working this time, took them an hour ago
To be honedt I can never tell if it even works, I feel completely the same
Just that sometimes my mind empties out and I feel sleepy
But often I still have thoughts
Thoughts that should not be there
Maybe it's because I forgot my anti depressents
Note to self: take the medication no matter what
Even if I just brushed my tooth
Because I will forget
I forgot last Friday and it's the same deal over again
Yesterday I felt anxious too but not as bad
Today is horrible
I wish I brought my fidget
I need my hands to move around constantly noe
The thing is I know all this is in my head
But I can't help but think it's true
It's hard to prove it wrong when it keeps constantly screaming at you that it's right
I wish I could cry now
Just lst it all out
All of it
Feeling so restless man
Feeling slightly better after some breathing exercises
Honestly I don't like it
It doesn't feel like a breathing exercise
Feels like torture
I just realised tonight my mom won't be homw
It'll be even more tempting to cut
But I told myself no more
I'll try to hold myself back
I already regret the previous time I don't want it again
I'll just game until bedtime
Luckily the past few days I've been addictes
So I can keep myself distracted
I want to take one more pill to be honest
But I think it's working now
Feeling drowsy and my mind isn't running as much
Still very restless
Might fall asleep to be honest
errant acorn
I just feel so lost in life
I feel so left behind
So many people care for me so I can't do anything to stop the pain eother
I just fucking wish for a fix
errant acorn
I'm relapsing
I started crying
I just keep getting anxiety about everythijg
Its so hard to deal with my life with all these anxietu
Fuck this shit man
Meds here and there
I dont want to keep taking it
It feels like I'm a sick person
It doesn't even fucking work
I just want to cry and let it all out
Im a useless sack of shit that will never make it anywhere
I should just fucking end it now but I don't habe the want to
Some stupid part of me wants to keep going
Fuck that part
errant acorn
So it's morning now
I still feel down
I wish to write all this into a notebook but I never have the time or whatever for jt
errant acorn
Hey I'm back
Today isn't as bad as last time
I've been coping as best as I can
I tell myself not to worry about feeling down, it's part of the process
But sometimes it feels like a lie
I'm trying not to spiral and relapse and it's working
I just feel so anxious for ehat's coming up the next few days
I entered a nee unit and shit and everything is so new
I'm not built for all this stress and anxiety
I just want someone to tell me everything is okay
I can make it through all this if I try and I can definitely do it
But I don't want to ask someone to tell me that
It loses all it's meaning
I just want someone close to me to say it to me
It's just words but it means so must knowing someone actually believes in me
Someone won't give up on me even when I give up on myself
It just sounds really nice you know?
I really don't know what my life has in store for me
I just hope whatever it is, it's good and it's worth this mountain I'm climbing
I kept myself safe for another day
errant acorn
I've been trying to surpress the emotions since yesterday night
I just broke randomly and cried a little outside
Well not random
I just can't imagine having to go to camp from 8-8
Holy fuck man that's so late
I need to have at least 3 hours of rest to myself
Now I only got 1 hour last night
errant acorn
I feel so anxious
I vomitted just now because of it
And then I thought of myself being weak and now I'm spiraling
I wish someone can confidently tell me it's okay
And that I'm worth the effort people put themselves through just to make me feel better
Because im just not
Im not worth it
I rather just leave this world
Im weak and fragile
Im supposed to be 21 but im actinf like im 1w
12
I fucking hate it
I want to be normal
But i just cant be
Im wasting so many resources that can be going to other people
Other people that are worth it
Im not worth it
Im just not
I wish I can cut myself
It felt so good the last time
I just want to feel better
Anythinf
errant acorn
I thought I can tell my mom my problems
I guess I fucking can't huh
She doesn't fucking get it
I was so anxious to go to camp today that I vomitted before coming in
I was told by others my cwo was power abusing me
I feel insecure because of the basically forced haircut that I had to get
And when I said I don't want to go in tomorrow, all she can say is that I can't keep running from my problems
I'm not even fucking running, I just want a fucking break
She doesn't know how fucking overwhelming this is feeling
I feel like I'm relapsing back to when I was still in internship last year
I literally felt the same way this morning like I did last year
I feel way more suicidal and feel like cutting
fucking running away from my problems
I thought she would support me honestly
I feel so fucking stupid
So fucking stupid now
All I wanted was support to take a day off
Just see a doctor and take a day off
But no
She has to fucking tell me the opposite
I don't want to fucking go
I don't want to fucking deal with it now
I want to take a break and rest
I don't understand why I ever trusted her
When all I wanted was support she can't even give that to me
I'll just keep my issues to myself next time
I'm not fucking trusting her again
errant acorn
Situation: Had to stay in camp for one night all of a sudden because the person replacing me for duty couldn't make it for a family emergency
Thoughts: I wondered why it must happen to me and got really stressed out despite not wanting to admit it. I kept telling myself I'll be fine but I can feel in my mind that I wasn't. There was a clear tension.
Feeling of worry: I tell myself 3/10 but my brain says 7/10
Action: I just stayed over despite really not wanting to as I didn't want to trouble the others.
For 29 March
Situation: Decided to just stay in camp until my usual time to leave
Thoughts: I was already there and I have a medical appointment on Wednesday so I'll book the appointment i wanted tomorrow.
Feeling of worry: 2/10 at first, slowly grew to 8/10
Action: I helped out the day as usual and left at 6pm. Maybe the stress of the past two days finally caught up with me, feeling really down and wanting to just cry and let it all out.
My therapist said I should do this
So I'll just do it
I honestly thought I would be fine
I just really regret it now
I'm clearly not fucking fine now
I don't even know how I feel now
I havent taken my meds in a while
I restarted it two days ago and I couldn't even take my dose yesterday
Then I had to act like normal today
Helped out as much as I could too, I didn't even try to slack off
Feel so fucking tired
My phones low and going to do as well
I feel so sweaty and sticky because I havent showered since yesterday morning
And i don't even know who to fucking talk to
I just want to fucking cry
But I cant
I just cant
I'm just a weak little shit that can't live a normal life
errant acorn
I have some small good news
I guess I made up my mind on what course I want to pursue in university
Now aim making the effort to work towards that
I have applied for volunteering programs to make myself look better, learn new skills and see if this is something I want to really do in the future