Boring life of a depressed man | Huddle | Page 2

hearty wyvern Oct 28, 2023, 10:00 PM

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Everytime I do this I like my family less and love my friends more

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I'm proud i'm not looking for their validation anymore

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And it makes me want to be the best uncle and the best father in the future

hearty wyvern Oct 31, 2023, 9:27 PM

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It's hard to be honest about myself, I don't even know what i am and want

hearty wyvern Nov 1, 2023, 11:50 PM

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Waking up for work in 2 hours 🙂

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Had a great day

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Starting to teach chess to my older nephew and finally reading

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I'm worried about someone but being worried won't help him I have to be a better friend for him

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I would have loved being religious, I would always pray for my friends and family

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Also i'm a bit mixed on whether I should forgive some people that hurt me a lot in the past

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I sweared i would always hate them but I don't think it will produce anything good

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And I think I prefer being an idiot that tries to like and forgive everyone over being bitter and full of hatred

hearty wyvern Nov 2, 2023, 10:23 PM

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I've always been lonely, and more often than not it's been my choice

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I like being with friends or meeting new people

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Maybe I like being alone more

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I could be left with just my thoughts and be fine

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It's also so draining to talk with people

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I isolated myself many times when I was doing bad

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And unsurprisingly, it made it worse

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I'm so bad at understanding others, I've always felt so different, I spent my whole life till now trying to be normal

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I improved a lot

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And I'm happy I still have a personality, the thing I copy the most is body language

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I never know what to do with my body 😭

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Sorry if anyone reads this journal

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It probably makes no sense

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I have 0 hope that I will be able to accomplish anything in my life

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What seems the most likely is that I will spend my whole life suffering while doing the bare minimum

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Only way for my life to gets better rn seems to make a lot of money to help those I like and to be free

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But that's the goal of everyone and i'm not much better or deserving

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"Si c'était si facile tout le monde le ferait
Qui tu serai pour réussir où tous les autres ont échoués ?"

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Didn't cry for 3 weeks

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Is there any fast way to get out of this empty feeling of depression ?

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Gotta rename my journal

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Boring life of a depressed man

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I will do my best to help this one friend in next days

hearty wyvern Nov 4, 2023, 9:22 PM

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I'm an introvert that wants to be an extrovert
I'm a pessimist that wants to be positive and an idealist
I'm a loner that wants to have lot of friends
I'm a cold man that wants to be romantical and love
I'm a deep thinker that wants to be naive

Is it playing a role ? Is it trying to better myself ?
I don't know, I never know

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I made a mistake, I'm not cold, or maybe I became ?
I don't know

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I never fucking know

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It really feels like I don't have much time left there

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I'm 19, I didn't live anything traumatic

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Why am I so tired of life?

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I know what I didn't want my life to be

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It's exactly what it is right now

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Now I have two issues, what do I want it to be ? And am I strong enough to achieve it ?
I don't know..

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Will I ever grow up and accept that i'm an adult ?

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I don't like adults, I never did

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I like kids, I like elders, I always did

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I like innocence, I like wisdom

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Do I like my parents ? Do I like my brother and my sisters ?

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I don't know

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Why weren't they kind with me ? Was I that unlovable ?

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I forgave them but I won't ever understand them

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I just wanted a "good job" or a "you will do well"

hearty wyvern Nov 5, 2023, 4:11 PM

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I don't care about my parents not loving me, I care about it impacting who I am now

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I always feel like it's too late and that I won't be able to fix all my mistakes and issues

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But I felt the same 5 years ago, and I sure could've done better since

hearty wyvern Nov 5, 2023, 8:55 PM

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Damn..

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I spent so much time chasing validation from people that don't like me, and running away from people that like me

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I feel like my goal is so to be liked by everyone and once a person does like me, there's no point in talking more

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Like those women that flirt only to know they can seduce

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My insecurities make me toxic with good people and trustful with toxic ones

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Tho, every problem I talk about there is only partly true, I'm probably less bad than I think I am

hearty wyvern Nov 10, 2023, 5:23 AM

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"Qui est cet inconnu dans le miroir de la salle de bain ?
Je sais qu'ce loser sera encore là demain"

hearty wyvern Nov 11, 2023, 1:35 PM

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Idiots love to make fun of disabled people, they must be aware they can't win a fair fight

hearty wyvern Nov 12, 2023, 8:26 AM

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...

hearty wyvern Nov 12, 2023, 3:08 PM

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I want to cry but I can't

hearty wyvern Nov 12, 2023, 8:38 PM

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I'm not sad, i'm not angry, i'm not emotional

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Is it rational to want death?

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I don't want to be myself, someone else neither

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I wanted to be there for others so I left myself, and now I lost interest in others by losing interest in life

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I don't k*ll myself because there might be someone that truly loves me

hearty wyvern Nov 12, 2023, 9:08 PM

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And also because I like watching the sky

hearty wyvern Nov 12, 2023, 10:10 PM

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I have so big ambitions yet I dodge all responsabilities and can't manage to have any discipline

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I feel like others don't understand me but when someone does I run away

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I don't apply a tenth of the advices I give

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I speak too much about things I have no knowledge

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I sometimes act smart and when someone says I am, I deny it

hearty wyvern Nov 13, 2023, 8:58 PM

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It feels like my day already came

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That I'm in overtime for a bit

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Most of my problems have been solved

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I'm in a decent/good situation

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But i don't want to live this life

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Honestly

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The only reason i'm not already gone

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Is that I can't let people that like me, live with guilt

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I don't know if there's anyone that truly does

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Oh and I found a girl on tiktok that writes beautiful poems

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I want to cry so much but no tears are flowing

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I miss this one girl

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She made me happier

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I love those that are always happy

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They often went through hard things

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There's a girl at my work that's always smiling and sweet

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I like her

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She told me I was always in a good mood so I guess i'm still good at faking

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If I was less cowardly i would have so many nice things to say

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To all those people that gave me hope

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I will keep being cold with them and telling compliments behind their back

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I hate feeling so distant from others

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I don't want to be normal, i want to feel normal

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It's the thing i've put the most efforts in by far

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And I won't ever succeed

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I still copy how others act

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The people that I feel good to talk with are those that are smart and kind

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I mean, i'm fine talking with everyone and I don't judge much

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And most of my friends aren't both smart and kind

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But those are the people I prefer

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Idk i gotta sleep i'm not making any sense

hearty wyvern Nov 14, 2023, 5:54 AM

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:/

hearty wyvern Nov 14, 2023, 10:56 AM

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hearty wyvern Idk i gotta sleep i'm not making any sense

Yea I shouldn't write things when I havent slept for more than 20h

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"Et je crois on pourra pas s'aimer
T'as vu parfois le mal comme ça paraît doux ?"

hearty wyvern Nov 14, 2023, 9:02 PM

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hearty wyvern Oh and I found a girl on tiktok that writes beautiful poems

I really like her posts

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It's maybe time I realize i'm weak and that I need medication

hearty wyvern Nov 16, 2023, 12:53 AM

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May every problem be solved when I wake up

hearty wyvern Nov 16, 2023, 8:31 PM

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They got worse

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Every single problem, got worse

hearty wyvern Nov 17, 2023, 8:09 PM

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I'm feeling decent today

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Worried about many things but I don't have control over them so I will try to chill

hearty wyvern Nov 17, 2023, 9:34 PM

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Why

hearty wyvern Nov 19, 2023, 8:46 PM

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"We easily give advices, it enterntains a lot the one giving them and there's no commitment for the one receiving it"

hearty wyvern Nov 20, 2023, 3:44 AM

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Happiness is in the details

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I live better since I understood it

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I love being a watcher, a spectator of this world, forgetting about myself for a bit

hearty wyvern Nov 21, 2023, 9:27 AM

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I want to sleep forever

hearty wyvern Nov 21, 2023, 10:08 AM

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I wish I was stronger

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Existing is so exhausting

hearty wyvern Nov 21, 2023, 9:15 PM

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"Est-ce que t'as déjà ressenti l'ivresse en imaginant la tristesse de ceux qui te connaissent si tu te faisais sauter la cervelle ?
Est-ce que t'as déjà ressenti la nature, au point que ça en soit douloureux ?
Aimerais tu partir en souhaitant bonne chance à tous les reufs ?
Est ce que tu t'es déjà menti à toi même ?
Est ce que t'as été surpris quand on t'as dis : on tient à toi mec ?"

hearty wyvern Nov 21, 2023, 9:35 PM

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Was I ever happy ?

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As a kid i was always crying and thinking about death too much

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Not like much has changed

hearty wyvern Nov 21, 2023, 10:07 PM

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Whatever happiness doesn't matter

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I will pursue my goals until I reach them

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And I will give myself tasks to complete so I don't constantly feel guilty about being lazy

hearty wyvern Nov 21, 2023, 11:16 PM

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Ah i'm so fucking akward

hearty wyvern Nov 21, 2023, 11:45 PM

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Fuck

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It's always with the people I like the most that I fuck up

hearty wyvern Nov 25, 2023, 10:06 PM

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"I'm almost never serious, and i'm always too serious, too deep too shallow, too sensitive too cold hearted, I'm like a collection of paradoxes"

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This should be my bio

hearty wyvern Nov 26, 2023, 12:20 AM

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I thought I was weak, but it's more than that, i feel like I'm half dead, I can't handle a bit of negativity from others because i'm so full of it, I'm so empty and anxious, i look into my eyes in the mirror and I can't see any emotions, I wouldn't even like me if I was someone else, so how can I like myself ?

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What even makes me depressed now ? I have a job, family, friends, no more alcohol, but i'm not satisfied with any of those

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I'm not satisfied and it's consuming me, when I feel like I won't be able to do or get something perfect i'm not interested and I stop

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I prefer to get the worse than to get average

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I hate average

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Average grades, average people, average city

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I want something with a soul, something that makes me dream

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My favorite interaction this week has been with this nice, a bit crazy artist of my village, she's often hard to understand but she isn't trying to be, she sees thinks like no one else, she takes the time to look the birds

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Oh and something that will look extremely arrogant but I don't care anymore, it's annoying to work for someone more stupid than me

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Like she gets paid at least twice what I get and she isn't even a bit smart ?

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No way I will live this for a long time

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I plan on studying next year but I still have no Idea what it will be

hearty wyvern Nov 26, 2023, 11:12 PM

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Have to wake up in 3 hours for work

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Learnt something very bad i don't think I will sleep

hearty wyvern Nov 29, 2023, 12:51 AM

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Alright waking up in 1h10 and it takes me 30min to fall sleep

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Idk if it's even worth sleeping

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I hate how I act

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I will stop forcing myself to do things because i'm too weak and it always creates more issues

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Work is going pretty well

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Except i don't get paid 12h a week because it's more than legal hours

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I should work less but then coworkers will be slowed so i can't

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Nothing feels exciting lately which is normal but I have a lot of frustration and anger that I usually don't.experience

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Part of it is towards others but mainly towards myself

hearty wyvern Nov 30, 2023, 12:15 AM

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I'm a fucking clown i worked 50+h per week go get paid 35

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And i'm there for a month so idk if it's a good idea to confront them about it

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And I like this job so I guess it's fine

hearty wyvern Nov 30, 2023, 11:50 AM

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I have fucking horrific eye bags

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I know poor sleep schedule, pale skin and bad mental health but damn

hearty wyvern Nov 30, 2023, 9:45 PM

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Relationships getting very confusing lately

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It's fine

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Life is beautiful and It's a great opportunity to focus on myself

hearty wyvern Dec 2, 2023, 1:23 AM

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Having nightmares every time I sleep is annoying, sleep should be the time i feel at peace

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But guilt and anxiety are always there

hearty wyvern Dec 2, 2023, 1:45 AM

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hearty wyvern Dec 2, 2023, 2:33 AM

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Alright time to leave for work again

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Last day of the week !!

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I have a rest day on wednesday

hearty wyvern Dec 3, 2023, 5:42 PM

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How stupid and selfish can I be

hearty wyvern Dec 4, 2023, 1:27 AM

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Waking up at 2am isn't very pleasing

hearty wyvern Dec 4, 2023, 1:41 PM

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Life is disgusting

hearty wyvern Dec 4, 2023, 11:56 PM

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My nightmares are so disgusting, how can my mind even comes up with such stuff

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And it feels they last for 4hours every time

hearty wyvern Dec 5, 2023, 3:58 AM

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I failed

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I fucking failed

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It was my only goal and I failed it

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I failed him

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I can't accept it

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Maybe it can get fixed

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Please

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Please

hearty wyvern Dec 5, 2023, 7:52 PM

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I'm sorry

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I don't want to live anymore

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I will do my best to help but i'm worried i won't be able to

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He helped me so much

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Even when he was going through hell

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He helps others

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More than anyone ever did

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He's the greatest person

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But now he's doing bad and it's all my fault because I didn't help him 1% as much as he helps others

hearty wyvern Dec 6, 2023, 9:14 AM

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Guilt is too strong

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I hate myself so much

hearty wyvern Dec 6, 2023, 1:15 PM

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://

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I can't end myself but that's all I want

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I failed so hard

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I'm sorry

hearty wyvern Dec 6, 2023, 2:40 PM

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Fuck me

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I feel nauseous

hearty wyvern Dec 6, 2023, 7:56 PM

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Why every person I like deeply is suffering...

hearty wyvern Dec 7, 2023, 4:17 PM

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I need to get drunk

hearty wyvern Dec 8, 2023, 1:23 AM

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I can try to convince myself that life is beautiful but fuck it is rough and disgusting

hearty wyvern Dec 8, 2023, 4:36 PM

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I feel so bad..

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I can't even cry anymore

hearty wyvern Dec 9, 2023, 1:51 PM

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hearty wyvern Dec 9, 2023, 2:55 PM

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I am so clueless about social interactions

hearty wyvern Dec 10, 2023, 5:38 PM

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Nothing is fun or exciting lately

hearty wyvern Dec 10, 2023, 5:58 PM

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I slept 14hours and I feel tired after 3hours

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I gotta fix this sleep schedule

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Sleeping 2h for 7 days then 14 on weekend isn't good

hearty wyvern Dec 11, 2023, 8:26 AM

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I feel better this morning

hearty wyvern Dec 13, 2023, 4:29 AM

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I spent so many years depressed It became part of my personality

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I will try to do interesting things rather than watching the ceiling in my bed because i'm done not being able to answer this hobbies question

hearty wyvern Dec 14, 2023, 6:16 AM

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It's stupid but I really like this girl i met online, all compliments suit her so well, I do find her perfect.
Sadly we are far and I think nothing will happen between us, I made her a promise tho and I hope I will be able to achieve it.

I never really tried with girls, I guess by lack of interest when I was younger, then by fear and other reasons, I still think I don't deserve anyone because i'm not someone good yet

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I have one goal lately and even I should be able to reach it if I put in enough efforts

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It's about someone else that I really care about, which is rare

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I mean, it happened twice irl but I was scared to get close to them

hearty wyvern Dec 15, 2023, 10:05 PM

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There's nothing that makes me more akward than receiving a compliment

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I usually smile slightly, say ok and then go far from the person if I can

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I know how I should react but it makes me feel so anxious when it happens I can't think straight

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Work is going great

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I'm excited for christmas

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I would have prefered working morning but afternoon is fine

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A lot of hypocrisy but some real great people so that evens it out

hearty wyvern Dec 15, 2023, 10:18 PM

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hearty wyvern There's nothing that makes me more akward than receiving a compliment

I don't think I deserve any

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Especially perfect this one is stupid

hearty wyvern Dec 15, 2023, 10:35 PM

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There's something that's scaring me about how I became

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Which I think is there since last year

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I care way less about others

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And I almost always feel disconnected

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While I used to be always very focused and more interested in others

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I sometimes feel like I did too many poor choices, mistakes and acted so lazy that my life is over

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But I still have a lot of time ahead and I should do my best

hearty wyvern Dec 17, 2023, 12:54 AM

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I guess drinking and being a clown makes me feel better

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When I get attention from those I like, I feel less useless for a bit

hearty wyvern Dec 20, 2023, 8:29 PM

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This week has been hard at work

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I got sick for the first time in 3 years, a few days before christmas

hearty wyvern Dec 20, 2023, 8:54 PM

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Still feeling very antisocial

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Anxiety and guilt lowered a lot

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Still feeling depressed and not enjoying much

hearty wyvern Dec 22, 2023, 11:24 PM

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I kinda want to end myself

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I'm useless

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I can't manage my responsabilities

hearty wyvern Dec 23, 2023, 9:19 PM

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I'm acting shitty tonight

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I become so despicable when things bother me

hearty wyvern Dec 25, 2023, 9:36 PM

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Christmas was great this year

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I got 2 rest days too

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I don't know if I will stay at this job

hearty wyvern Dec 26, 2023, 1:26 AM

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Feeling bad

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Low anxiety, not very sad either

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I'm bored and tired as fuck

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Future doesn't seem exciting and I hate myself

hearty wyvern Dec 28, 2023, 9:32 PM

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I'm so sick and weak

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My will to live is so low that one cold is enough to totally exhaust me for a week

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If I could get some anti depressant without seeing anyone I would

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I don't want to wake up

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It's the first time I ever feel like I hit a limit

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I have been worse surely but I had more hope

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I'm not enjoying the sky anymore man

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It's just emptiness and hopelessness

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I don't have the energy to fake being okay

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I don't have the energy to fake being nice

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I am not asking for help still so that's a good thing

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I don't kill myself not thanks to hope but because of responsability

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That's not a pleasing thing to live because every single day is a struggle and not a chance

hearty wyvern Dec 28, 2023, 11:27 PM

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I have to keep trying

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Il faudrait essayer d'être heureux, ne serait ce que pour donner l'exemple

hearty wyvern Dec 29, 2023, 8:37 PM

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I feel bad for writing negative stuff there

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I worried some great people that care about me

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I'm feeling better tonight

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I love her

hearty wyvern Jan 1, 2024, 12:01 AM

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I will try my hardest this year

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I will fail but it's part of progress and I will keep trying until I achieve what I want

hearty wyvern Jan 3, 2024, 12:24 AM

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"J'sais que je mérite pas tout cet amour qu'on m'adresse.
J'sais que tu mérites mieux, j'sais que je suis plein de maladresse"

hearty wyvern Jan 3, 2024, 7:18 PM

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I miss her

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I hope she's doing well

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There's isn't much that can make me feel better but she does

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She has taken some distance with me recently and I try to accept it but it's a weird situation and it's hard to do so

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I wish I knew what she is feeling and thinking

hearty wyvern Jan 5, 2024, 1:55 AM

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I'm 20 in 3 weeks

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Still lost on what I want my life to be

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I will work for now until I find something I want to study in 9 months

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This work is pretty enjoyable, I feel a bit lonely lately tho cuz obviously everyone my age left the village for study and work

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I can hear the birds sing while I work during the morning that's nice

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A lot of drama tho

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Which isn't something I appreciate but I learned to ignore people

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18-19 have been my worst years but I have hope twenties will be better

hearty wyvern Jan 6, 2024, 8:01 PM

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Ты толкьо мамэ чо да еду в Бахмут не говори

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Feeling a bit sad tonight

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I want to help someone but I feel useless

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Although I haven't been drunk for multiple months i still want to drink whenever I feel bad

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Some bad stuff happened but there is worse so I can't complain

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I feel more peaceful lately and it's great, constant anxiety and self hate made me feel more alive tho

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I should sleep but I'm too worried about some great people

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I would give everything for them to be happy and I mean it

hearty wyvern Jan 7, 2024, 6:50 AM

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When I'm tired it's like I forget some people will read what I write there

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Whatever no one knows me irl anyway

hearty wyvern Jan 7, 2024, 7:53 PM

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Weird day but I think I did ok

hearty wyvern Jan 8, 2024, 9:40 AM

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Life is nice

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Some days it's easier to see and I'm grateful to feel better

hearty wyvern Jan 10, 2024, 7:22 AM

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It hurts being ignored by the girl I love and that I thought loved me

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I'm not a beggar and I won't try more but it hurts

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I wish her the best and I have some hope things get better between us

hearty wyvern Jan 13, 2024, 8:06 PM

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Plus j'grandis plus j'ressemble à mon daron comme simba

hearty wyvern Jan 14, 2024, 12:07 AM

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I want a white and orange cat

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And a grey one too

hearty wyvern Jan 14, 2024, 7:20 PM

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I turn 20 in two weeks, I'm as confused on my future as I was at 13 or 16yo

hearty wyvern Jan 15, 2024, 4:20 PM

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A lot of things can only be understand with time, but then they have no value anymore

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Many questions and worries

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I'm doing good lately tho

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I want to become someone better and I'm more confident in myself so that's great

hearty wyvern Jan 16, 2024, 12:44 PM

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C'est pas si noir dehors, c'est juste que sur nos cœurs il y a un peu de poussière

hearty wyvern Jan 17, 2024, 5:32 AM

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Still miss her, I just want an explanation and to know how she's doing

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I got out of the depression I've been in past months

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I'm truly doing good but there are always some worries

hearty wyvern Jan 17, 2024, 12:26 PM

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Finally realized it was worth to study and do well in school because now I can't do what I want

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I'm free and there are infinite things I can do tho so it's fine

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I always have this annoying feeling that it's too late and that I should've done better in the past but I had it when I was 12 so I know it's not true

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It's also a way to excuse myself of my current lack of discipline

#Boring life of a depressed man