Okay i didnt really write much in it anyways but
#mind
floral galleon
HUMMMM
im starting college by the end of august, and im REALLLLY ANXIOUS.
its a community college, but how do you even make friends in a community college
im legit too scared to talk to people which sounds so stupid but i always freeze and get so anxious i wanna throw up
I dont even know why i get anxious though ?!?? im the type of person to purposely make myself stand out, i want to look and be different, but then my body is just like hehee lets add anxiety to that😀
Wait wait
is it possible to delete these? Like, the entire journal? •_• i rlly hope so
Whatever anyways
its so weird like, i crave being social a lot and i wanna be the life of the party and stand out but my anxiety prevents all of that , i hate it sm
floral galleon
Im going to major radiology and become an mri tech :3 my dream is to travel but… i dont think a traveling job would suit me, i dont wanna be forced to go places constantly x,)
Working in a hospital seems interesting too tho so itll be fun :3
i LOVE psychology though. but to get a well paying/decent paying job, i need at minimum a masters degree and … honestly i dunt wanna do tht
im already 2 years behind
bc i took 2 gap years, which i kind of regret …
well, if i didnt take those, i wouldnt have met my wonderful boyfriend, but i always think maybe i still would have somehow?
tbh im excited for it to start though! super anxious but , hopefully ill meet people and ill stop being so lonely
I legit only have my bf 
nobody else
i used to have a solid friend group but… that kinda went to shit and now its just me and him
im such a weird person compared to everyone else
i get overly excited and could rant on and on abt the things i love but the things i love just either weird people out or creep people out
like
i can see ghosts💀
a ton of people dont believe in ghosts which is whatever, u do u, BUT LIKE IM 10000% SURE IM NOT SHIZOPHRENIC
and its so annoying how people constantly ask me that
i used to have photos i took myself, and my younger brother AND my friend has seen some of the things ive seen too
NOT TO MENTION I GET DREAMS OF THEM and those dreams later happened that day
U cant explain tht
Theres so many more things
its so scary though
especially when i was younger and didnt know why i was seeing/ feeling those things
Most of the time i just feel it, but sometimes i see outlines of them and get dreams that happen later
One of the buildings of my college is haunted too apparently, bc it used to be a huge, super old, religious catholic orphanage that got turned into my college
But anyways
I DONT LIKE FEELING VULNERABLE IN THIS LMAO
Ok anyways
It used to creep me out a lot, it still does, but it started happening after i had a near death experience at 7 years old
my house is haunted too which makes it worse
i got rid of one of them a couple years ago, bc she was like so so scary…. i would be so scared to sleep at night bc of her, but the other idk who he is.
if anybody comes into my house, like anyone, u can hear footsteps from him walking even when youre home alone, and he knocks on the doors
Also when you walk into the basement bathroom sometimes, ive noticed especially in early morning or in the middle of the night, u can hear him arguing w someone but its pretty faint
Its creepy tbh
my mothers old house was haunted too
her ex husband knew as well, and i only slept there ONCE bc of how scary it was at night. even the landlord knew it was haunted and thats the reason why he sold it to her so fast and for so cheap
i dont talk to her anymore tho. im so conflicted
Anyway
Okay the purpose of me writing here is for me to look back on it, even maybe from years from now and see how i was or my progress in my mental health
I always have done that since i was a little kid, i always keep journals for me to look back on
hopefully nothing happens to this server so i dont lose this
im just too lazy to write in my normal journal… typing is so much easier
floral galleon
i started using grapeseed oil as my moisturizer on my face and OMGJFHSHHCHD my face has never felt so moisturized in my life im so happy my skin looks so good
Every single moisturizer ive used so far has been shit and nothing works bc i have psoriasis gross
floral galleon
TW: marijuana (i dont know if this needs a tw but.. just in case )
i just smoked a bowl n im eating dinnah thinking about how much i love my boyfriend
hes seriously the greatest
hes so sweet to me and caring and so adorable and gentle i love him
were long distance unfortunaltly but he always tries to help me when im stressed and anxious and he does a lot for me
hes so cute too like gawd dayum we are a good looking couple
I hope we never breakup
OMGGG I JUST SAVED A FROG IN MY BACKYARD
MY DOGS WERE ABT TO EAT HIM
i love frogs
:3
——————————————————
Kayyy also
im very worried about my dad •_•
Lately he can barely eat bc he always throws up
Today hes not eating anything….not a single thing
And hes so stubborn to go to the doctor
i wish he wasnt so stubborn i love my dad a lot
it worries me ): he always says “im dyinnn” as a joke but its not funny
my dog also has surgery tomorrow…
Shell be okay though
floral galleon
YIPEEEEEE !!!!!
ITS STORMJNG
i love the sound of rain and thunder its so cozy
floral galleon
floral galleon
im playing genshin rn
trying to get talent mats for yaoyao
also eating butter chicken from last night (if anybody actually reads this and u dont know what that is, TRUST ME its not what it sounds like)
im hust trying to distract my brain rn
i feel so empty
i hate this feeling
i feel like an empty husk and the only thing i feel is anxiety or nothing
floral galleon
WEEEEE!!!!!!
I AM SO HAPPY I CANNOT CONTAIN IT I AM LITERALLY SQUEALING
BEHEHEHEHHE
I dont even know why its not even a big deal, i just got everything out of the way so far and ill be totally stress free for about a week and a half :3
floral galleon
𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧 𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧 𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧 𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧 𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧
am i too childish ? :<
but i cant help it its just how i am
i mean like
i feel like im mature in the aspect thats like… my mindset, bc ive changed SO MUCH as ive gotten older (i am 20 now!)
but all my interests and stuff from even when i was a kid have never gone away
I still FUCKIN LOVE my little pony lmao
And other cartoons
Likeeeee Hilda is another 1 of my favorites
A lot of my habits and mannerisms are kind of childish or “weird” too
ngl i wish i never gotten rid of my childhood toys
i had over 500 lps and like 7 houses and theyre worth sooo much now. theyre so cute too it sucks ill never even be able to collect them again ): unless i wanna spend thousands
i had a million mlp figures too those were cute lol
As a kid i was more like a tomboy
i also loved hotwheels cars and army men and stuff and the way i dressed
i remember i had a friend in elementary (she also became my best friend of 11 years…but we dont talk anymore hhhh…..) who would always try to change the way i dressed cuz she wanted to be popular and i didnt dress girly
IT HELPS SO MUCH WRITING DOWN WHAT IM THINKING OMG?????
i CAN THINK SO MUCH MORE CLEAR!!
floral galleon
- .
˚ ✩ . · . - ✩ ˚
. · ⊹ +
🌿🌱🌱🌿🌱🐀🐁🌿🌿
Q of the day: how can i be more compassionate torwards my body, especially when im feeling self critical ?
i struggle w this still sometimes
but i try to remind myself that like…..
ok so
We are just souls in like a meatsuit. this body was crafted and given to us and its supposed to sustain us, were only human, were not even SUPPOSED to look “perfect” all the time
But our imperfections are perfect
Were basically just like animals and its already so incredibly rare we are living this life and we only get it once, why spend it hating my body ??
also eating well is one, it makes me feel good and its good for your body (:
floral galleon
im feeling really depressed
floral galleon
dammit i still feel so depressed
its lingering
i shouldnt be
but i am
i hate myself
floral galleon
im making a breakfast sammy with eggs, cheese, tomato and avocado
Even when im super depressed without the energy to even shower or change my clothes i always have the energy to make food for some reason
im not that depressed to a point i cant eat so thats good
floral galleon
Okay well now im so depressed to the point i cant eat
floral galleon
i hate my brother so much
Fucking pig
you dont fucking hit my dog. Ever. he kicked my dog for doing nothing bc hes all pissy
floral galleon
floral galleon
i think im delusional
floral galleon
im on call with my bf and im trying not to fall asleep im so tired omg
floral galleon
me and my dad just watched a movie together, ive already seen it tho and its not that great but its always nice spending time with my dad
Were soooo alike
i feel like im bonding more with him and it feels good, our relationship was so distant and rocky just a year ago, not even a full year ago. Its nice how its coming back and im opening up more
Its so hard for me to open up, ESPECIALLY to my parents. i cant do it. Its so hard. It doesnt help when everytime i talk abt my feelings i start crying
i know if i didnt live w them and see them every single day, it would be easier tbh
floral galleon
i honestly hate so many men
why do so many dickheads think a woman’s value = how young and pretty you are
its disgusting.
im way more than my looks. growing old is not a bad thing, its a normal thing and all the stupid fucks who think that way are just coping with the fact they look ugly
people are literally human beings with fuckijg personalities and interests and thoughts and feelings and u just think older women are “less valuable and washed out” bc she looks 40??? shes a HUMAN BEING. NO 40 YEAR OLD MAN SHOULD BE LOOKING AT GIRLS IN THEIR 20’s, THATS DISGUSTING
pisses me off so much
Im so closed off to any man i meet bc im so scared theyre gonna turn out to be a fucking dickhead and sexist like that. every man ive met is like that and so i cant trust any of them until they prove it to me
Its so upsetting.
im more than my looks.
floral galleon
okay wow gotta love bpd right /sarc
Tw: suicide
Just sobbed for hours and hours and almost overdosed & now im completely fine
My head huuurtsss. i want a cookie
for some reason, this hoodie is so comforting?
its so softttt. when im like wrapped in soft things it makes me feel so comforted idk
Oh!
my dad is buying me a laptop
hehehehe
love my dad 🩷💕❤️💕🩷💖
floral galleon
people dont realize how lucky we are to be on this earth rn living this life
like
idk im in such a good mood right now and like
TW: marijuana (does this even need a tw ?? Just incase)
I shmoked a bowl and im jst vibing rn and im just like…
Everybody has completely different thoughts and thought patterns and feelings and experiences and a pov
Which is obvious
But if you think about how small earth is and how infinite the universe is
And how rare it is for us to even be here and have these thoughts and feelings and experiences
Its MIND blowing
im petting my dogs rn and i love them sm
And im listening to this song rn
I have these types of thoughts everyday
i constantly think abt that
Omg! i just saw the qotdand thought of something
I dont remember a prank rn but i love to tease and scare my friends
and it reminded me of something super cringey but idgaf
like
i play genshin, its a cute game with really good interesting lore imo but
There is a character in it
that i relate to TOOOOO much
Hu tao, cuz like her personality is literally mine if u get to know me well and i open up, and the fact she can see ghosts and talk to spirits and shit, i can do that too!!!! Its hella fuckin scary for me though 💀
my house is haunted but it used to be so much worse and it was to a point id never wanna sleep here or be home alone, it was so scary
But and how she looks too, we look similar/dress the same “style” (black),
if u read some of the characters voicelines, they think she is annoying n weird, and thats also the same for me too, idk about annoying but so many people think im weird for the way i dress or my interests (such as astrology or cartoons like adventure time or how i love video games and can see ghosts lmfao, ik its dumb to think those are weird but thats just my experiences)
I love her sm
ANYWAYS
⋆｡°✩ ˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗ ⋆｡°✩ ˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗ ⋆｡°✩ ˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗ ⋆｡°✩
Man
okay something that im thinking about rn
Why did we have to forget everything when we are born
Maybe we didnt forget everything? But we definitly didnt just spawn from nothing
I heard we are made from stars
something that scares me is death
i have no idea what happens after death, i hope theres a nice afterworld where i can see my pets and my family and friends
It scares me a lot bc the universe itself just blows my mind. everything about it.
not to mention how astral realm exists…. its so crazy
This world is so mind blowing and we dont see any of it and most of us are so oblivious and dont pay any attention
We dont know anything abt the universe
its like the ocean how we only explored like what, 7% of it
we know virtually nothing abt whats in the ocean
floral galleon
my grandpas coming today for a month again, and im literally dreading it ughhhhhhhhh
every single fucking time he is over, he constantly keeps going like “U HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO COOK WELL FOR YOUR FUTURE HUSBAND” “U HAVE TO HAVE KIDS!!!” “U HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF THE HOME” literally shut the fuck up
i dont want kids, im never going to be a housewife or be a cook solely bc im a woman , so…
I do things cuz i want to not bc of my gender ugh like fuck off
I dont care that youre old and this is how the time was , it wasnt right and now in todays times its not like that anymore (i mean society is still super fucked but laws dont force women to be housewives and shit like that anymore) soooo get with today!😀
im even planning to make myself infertile so i dont have kids… even if i did want kids, id adopt bc i DONT want to be pregnant😭
“Oh what if your husband wants kids???? U will have them for him” UM NO?????
if my husband wants kids then were not right for eachother? Im not gonna start dating someone with complete opposite goals than me wtf
Plus im not going to literally have all of that going on in my body and going thru the worst pain in my entire life just for someone else…. Literally WHO would do that
thats insane
Being pregnant is so gross to me omg😭😭 like if someone else is preggo and they wanted to be then ofc id be happy for them what the hell, im not gonna go and say its gross Lmao thats so rude.
BUT FOR ME???absolutely not. The fact there would be another pair of eyes and a brain inside my body…… I LITERALLY CANT HDHCHDHC
Omg also the fact hes extremely homophobic and im literally bisexual
i wanna come out to my family out of spite
My dad is like the only one whos accepting for lgbt but hes not even accepting of being bisexual💀 he always goes “ur either gay or straight pick one” like he understands anything.
but i wanna come out to my fsmily out of spite LMAO cuz i know damn well my entire family (excluding my dad) and my dad’s gf would be so pissed off
floral galleon
‧₊˚ ☁️⋅♡𓂃 ࣪ ִֶָ☾. ‧₊˚ ☁️⋅♡𓂃 ࣪ ִֶָ☾. ‧₊˚ ☁️⋅♡𓂃 ࣪ ִֶָ☾.
im thinking about like
growing up
how i was as a kid and who i am now and how things change and what stayed the same
my grandpa on my moms side (so my moms mom) was really abusive to her and her mom growing up
like
he went to PRISON for abuse
and got released, and i remember little kid me and my mom would go visit him before he died
im just thinking like…why did she still visit him and talk to him
he abused her
and my mother neglected me and i dont talk to her anymore
I feel like im doing something wrong
maybe i am maybe im not
but i feel sad
floral galleon
⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆ ⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆ ⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ
its night timeeee
rn i feel so comfy in my bed like with all my stuffed animals and blanket i wish i could stay here forever and never leave
i feel like a broke ass failure rn tho
no job. No school (im starting college this august so.. next month)
no license
And no money to my name. At all
someone was nice here and made me feel alot better about that though. its comforting knowing im not alone
Everybody has their own timeline
this is my first time living anyways idk what im dojng 🙄
its hard when youre own family looks down on you and compares you to everyone else though
my cousin is 21, and graduated with his masters already and is now a teacher… like what the hell
i mean, good for him ofc but god DAYUM
(He graduated hs early so)
Hes really smart
man i just hate being broke
floral galleon
floral galleon
now its straight up depression nice now i need a bong rip
floral galleon
☾⋆｡𖦹 °✩ ☾⋆｡𖦹 °✩ ☾⋆｡𖦹 °✩ ☾⋆｡𖦹 °✩ ☾⋆｡𖦹
im thinking
I wanna get closer to my dad and open up to him more
And i wanna tell him i wanna see a therapist
but idk how
i dont want him to look down on me or feel bad for me or something
i know hed be understanding and nice about it and even offer to be the one paying for it
i just feel so embarrassed
i feel like therapy would benefit me
idk how to deal with my emotions, like, at all. when i get anxious it makes me feel like throwing up and shaking or being really jittery and i cant function properly and its really embarrassing ( ꩜ ᯅ ꩜;)
Or when i get in massive mood swings and become super depresso that it just engulfs me and i cant do anything
i mean im legit fuckin raw-dogging bpd this shit sucks
I dont really have anyone who i can talk about most of my problems with either, so talking abt it would just help too
꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷
i feel like my brain is melting
floral galleon
I feel EMPTY AND DEPRESSED
ONCE AGAUN
˙◠˙
i feel like ill be alone for the rest of my life
i feel disconnected from everything and peoples emotions
why cant do i have to be like this bruh
i need a therapist
But idk how to bring it up to my father
i mean i dont have to but idk
me and my father r going on a 2 day trip to just hangout and bond and stuff soon
but i might start my period and if i do then itll ruin it all and i cant go 💀
i stg i hope i dont
floral galleon
i feel disconnected from everything and peoples emotions
Oh i found out there is different types of empathy
i think i struggle with one most of the time
Theres emotional empathy and cognitive empathy
cognitive empathy: knowing how someone feels and seeing where theyre coming from and stuff like that without feeling their emotions. this one i do all the time
emotional empathy: pretty obvious sounding but where you legit FEEL other peoples emotions. i cant do this
I can with my boyfriend but thats it
And not all the time either
I mean, seeing other people sad makes me sad. But its not that im feeling their emotions (unless its something i can relate to), its just im sad that theyre going thru that and theyre sad
/ᐠ - ˕ -マ⋆｡°✩ ˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗ ⋆｡°✩ ˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗ ⋆｡°✩
sometimes i get paranoid someone is gonna be wishing bad on me bc of the personal things i write in here. Like if i talk abt my boyfriend theyll start wishing we breakup or something idk 💀
but i dont think anybody here would do that
𓁹‿𓁹 TIME TO SHMOKE A BLUNT TO GET RID OF MY EMPTINESS
floral galleon
ੈ♡⸝⸝🪐༘⋆ ੈ♡⸝⸝🪐༘⋆ ੈ♡⸝⸝🪐༘⋆ ੈ♡⸝⸝🪐༘⋆ ੈ♡⸝⸝🪐༘
SO
The government confirmed communication with aliens
But obviously theyve already spoke to aliens fucking who knows how long ago. they just decided to tell us now, so i wonder what theyre trying to cover up :v
i feel like any alien that solely only tries to communicate with our world leaders are shit, cuz our leaders are shit
But apparently theres lots of cases of them communicating with kids??? Idk. I sound like a crazy person saying this stuff so thats why i put it here 
everything they sound could also be fake too so its not like im believing everything they say but … aliens DO exist tho
floral galleon
૮₍˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶₎ა
./づᡕᠵ᠊ᡃ࡚ࠢ࠘ ⸝່ࠡࠣ᠊߯᠆ࠣ࠘ᡁࠣ࠘᠊᠊ࠢ࠘𐡏 ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧
i
have issues
i sign up for class tmr for college
and my father is paying for it, so he told me to be 100% sure this is what i wanna do
AND NOW IM CONFUSED AGAIN
IS THIS WHAT I WANNA DO???
IM SO ANXIOUS NOW
my job would make $60-70k a year working 3 days a week 12 hour shifts right out of college
i mean its not bad
But i want more
But idk
My plan right now is to just live with my father until i can afford to buy a house so i can save every single time i have
my problem is i just dont fucking dream of working
I dont have a dream job
yes theres some things that are SO interesting to me , but its just like… im scared to be stuck doing one thing, and once i have my interest turned into a job, its like my motivation disappears
floral galleon
Literally ALL i want to do is travel the world and vibe in my witchy cottage by the forest
floral galleon
im scared to end up like my mother too
relationships arent the main goal in life for me
but i dont want to be alone
but i hate society at the same time. why does everyone have to be a shallow prick who only cares abt looks
Thisll sound weird but im scared to be older (like 40) and alone, i feel like ill never find someone bc so many older men r weird borderline pedophiles who only like 20 year olds like thats literally disgusting and then ill be single for the rest of my life
Relationships arent even the main goal for me like i’d live my live not caring or putting my worth depending on if im alone or not, all that matters is im happy and doing what i love but i just dont WANT to be alone
Im not even single rn tho
i have the most amazing partner to exist
and hes promised he is gonna marry me when we r older and our relationship is really good so im not.. worried, but i just get anxious sometimes
floral galleon
😐
I am so fucking stressed
And pissed off
My advisor is so fucking unhelpful
And such a bitch
I sign up for classes tmr for something with new students
And i think i just did everything fucking wrong bc of this dumb bitch
and now i have to fucking wait UNTIL NEXT FUCKING SUMMER TO TAKE SOME CLASSES BC OF THIS ASSHOLE
IM ALREADY 2 YEARS BEHIND
WE HAVE TO ADD A THIRD TO THAT?
Oh my god just fuck off
im so done im so pissed im so behind
ill be starting college at 21 fuck my life
Literally the age people graduate
floral galleon
5 am i cant sleep bc im so anxious
And so pissed off
whys everything so hard for me
why cant i just get my license
why do i have to be three years behind
why cant i get a job and have at least a bit of money to my name and even if i do het a job im gonna be fucking struggling and unable to live on my own bc i wont make enough money
why does my fathers health have to be so awful
Why do i have to get so overwhelmed easily and just start crying and being so pissed off
everything is too much and i just want to die
floral galleon
im going to call my advisor and ask if im doing the right thing
floral galleon
fml
why do i have to have a period
im infertile anyways and dont want kids get rid of this
floral galleon
GAHHHHH MY STOMACH HURTS SO BAD
time to have a sleepless night again
this always happens this time and idk why
I jst cant ever sleep
floral galleon
floral galleon
i feel so alone
And i csnt stop crying abt it now
Why is it so hard for me to have someone that cares abt my well being
i have to deal with everything alone and im so tired and drained and sad
floral galleon
WE ARE BACK IN BUSINESS BITCHES💪💪
bpd? Nah, big princess disorder 😏😏
fuck im sad again
not really tho
Nvm i take it back i am sad but this time its a frustrating emptiness
why do i always have the feeling i need to isolate myself when im sad
I always do this
floral galleon
HNGHSHXHHCC
the medical imaging program i NEED. to get into
Is highly competitive
Theres only 32 spots-
over 100 people apply 😀
floral galleon
I love how i got timed out LOL whoops
BUT YEAH WTF I HAVE TO TRY MY FUCKIN BEST I HAVE TO GET ALL A’s
School has always been hard for me too….
Uaaagh
I hope i do well
floral galleon
Why is it that i get so attached to some people
but platonically
But to a point that i get obsessed with them
Its only happened to like 3 people so far and theyre all out of my life rn but i really miss one of them
I wonder if one day ill ever talk to them again
floral galleon
^ i feel like these r the ONLY type of people i can REALLY connect with too
floral galleon
adding onto that ^ like everytime i make a friend i dont feel super connected to them unless its like that
I hate it so much
why do i do this
why cant i just be normal
i constantly feel disconnected from everything unless im obsessed
floral galleon
ـﮩﮩ٨ـ♡ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ ـﮩﮩ٨ـ♡ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ ـﮩﮩ٨ـ♡ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ
I AM gonna get into tarot again 😏
ALSO TBH
Like
(NO I DONT HAVE SHIZOPHRENIA)
sometimes i get dreams where it actually happens later that day and on top of being able to hear/see/ and feel the presence of ghosts (i only see outlines tho unless they show me more which is almost never) and i wanna build up this ability
Theres a woman i know and shes a legit psychic
Shes older but she owns a metaphysical shop i go to sometimes and does psychic readings there too
and she told me its possible to build it up soooo… im gonna do that 😏
floral galleon
i really hope i get into the medical imaging program…
its so competitive im gonna cry if i dont get in like i NEED TO
My social life is gonna dissapear once my prereqs start soon like i need to get all a’s
Im gonna bust my ass to get in
I have adhd and anxiety too ugh this is gonna be so hard
wish me luck
floral galleon
one time
my very first psychic experience
i was 14
and i was in a relationship right
with my first boyfriend
i remember i was just chillin in my bedroom when all of a sudden i heard a really loud voice, but she sounded very old and like she heavily smoked cigs for her entire life (very raspy voice)
but i didnt hear it thru my ears, it was like she was in my head but all around me at the same time? it was SO loud and coming from all directions
She told me that my bf was cheating on me
And i brushed it off bc i was freaked out and usually when i am scared of a ghost or something i ignore it💀 but SHE NEVER LET ME IGNORE IT
she told me every single day, for a week, rhat hes cheating on me
Then one day it stopped. But fhat same day, this girl dms me on instagram with proof, telling me my bf at the time cheated. And he admitted it.
I wanna develop this ability dude. I still dont know what that was either or who
Theres an old woman i know and i see myself SO much in her, her entire personality is so much like mine and shes also a psychic medium but wayyy better than me, and i feel like i would be her when im old
ive had more experiences like that too but,, theyve all been dreams
not counting the actual ghost encounters tho
Idk people will think im weird for this but ITS SO FASCINATING TO ME
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i miss one of my old friends a lot
we were SO close
But i cant reach out to them
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i feel like shit AGAIN god fuck my life
Theres ppl over and my dad told them how im going to school to become an mri tech
And he went “its either that or im taking care of her for the rest of my life”
i literally feel like such a failure
its been so hard finding a job this year
so i havent been doing anything productive like that
and i feel so bad and i feel like im looked down on
Maybe i am over reacting
BUT I CANT HELP IT DAMN
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how come all of the friends i made end up thinking my personality is too much and leave
i cant water myself down
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in the process of quitting marijuana and my brain fog has been OVER THE TOP
im on day 3 though
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I think i might become a nurse instead
fuck i have to change my major then
IDK WAHT TO DO
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idk how to feel
i dont like my life how it is now
i dont know if ill like it if i continue down the path im going
i feel like i wont ever be just happy
my bpd literally ruins everything i have
all of my relationships and friendships usually just go down the drain bc of it, my best friend dipped on me (tho they apologized but i didnt respond and now i feel like its too late) and im rlly good friends with their girlfriend but i feel like i cant be REALLY myself around her
This fucking chronic emptiness is pissing me off
I feel so empty that i start feeling pissed off and then somehow i get overwhelmed and start crying
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dammit i miss my old best friend so much it hurts
everything im doing is bringing back memories bc we were so close and so similar like ive never met someone who i felt so open and safe with before
idk if its too late to message him and become friends again
But i cant unless i do something else but thts gonna break me apart ☹️
im so conflicted
i dont know what to do fuck i wish i could just go back in time and change things so we could still be friends, but maybe they dont even want to be friends w me anymore. They came back and apologized but that was in january …
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umm just in case someone reads this
tw: suicide (?)
i genuinely think i wont live until 30 LMAO i literally cannot take this anymore
my brain is so fucked up
And its all just getting so much worse
i think about myself from an outside perspective and i legit look so pathetic on top of everything
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CAUGHT IN THE UNDERTOW JUST CAUGHT IN THE UNDERTOW
IVE BECOME SO NUMBBBB
I CANT FEEL U THEREEE
BECOME SO TIREDDDD
SO MUCH MORE AWAREE /lyr
nah just jidding the depression is hitting tonight pretty badly again
On another note
Im pretty sure im going to get accepted to study abroad for a bit
very excited but VERY SCARED. ive always wanted to travel but ive never left the usa before, so thisll be my first time and ill be going ALONEE
hummm
one thing thats been bugging me so much and it kinda makes me depresso…
Idk why its so hard for me to connect with people
ive always never had a lot of friends because most people i dont give a fuck about and i dont know why. And fhen on TOP of that, with the friends i DO care about, its so hard for me to show that i care sometimes bc i get distant at first and i push myself away when im sad and thats a lot !! yay bpd😍🥰/sarc
But why cant i connect with people? why cant i care abt most people like normal people
Its always im either too much and overbearing with my friends or im not enough and im boring
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i hate my bpd
i hate how im constantly afraid of being abandoned so i push myself away from everyone
Its like a constant war in my head of needing to isolate myself and wanting to not be alone
I cant connect with people either. Its so hard for me to actually deeply care about someone, and when i do, i either push myself away or get overly attached and my abandonment issues start kicking in
I feel like im cursed
Why do i have to be like this? Why does it have to be me? :/
i cant stop feeling like ill be alone forever, but i do it to myself, i never open up to people bc im so anxious.
I wish i could have stable relationships without me feeling like ill get abandoned all the time. Ive never been in a good relationship, and the only one that was good, we wouldnt work. im so scared to end up like my mother, alone, stupid, and poor.
shes the reason i have bpd and shes so fucking stupid she doesnt realize anything or even acknowledge it. She has a disability, but fuck it pisses me off bc now i am the one to bare this shit
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Pulling an all nighter to study for anatomy, i need to memorize 8 lectures and exactly where the structures are located before sunday and im just starting now at 2:38 am, someone kill me
floral galleon
Second all nighter lesgo
Defo gonna fail my test tmr but its fine
gotta drop out of computer science so i can put more time and effort into anatomy
Also battling a fucking bpd emptiness rn so thats great 
it feels like a void
I smoked some weed again
I cant stay sober
Im having weird realizations
Im so disconnected from all of my emotions. I feel them so deeply yet i dont at the same time. i feel like im always realizing why i feel certain ways or why people do things that they do and why they feel certain ways way later than others, or maybe im just dumb idk
It feels like i cant reach my emotions? Like it overwhelms me but at the same time its not close enough for me to touch it if that makes sense
Or maybe im just high rn
But i had the same realization on shrooms before
I wanna dew it again it was fun too but i dont know anywhere to get them safely
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I cant pull the all nighter the 2 cups of coffee + weed made me sleepier so ima pass out rn and wakeup early tmr to do more 
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i wish i wasnt lonely yet i make myself be alone
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Tfw your breakup just suddently hits all at once after weeks
Im gonna be alone forever
nobody has ever stuck by me especially for so long like he has
im always too much to not enough
And then i get afraid of getting attached to people and leave
i hate being alone and then i make myself be alone
I am cursed
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ima start writing in here more like daily
Atm im studying anatomy and planning another all nighter for my exam in 2 days 
plus i have practicals
Ive memorized nothing
i also need to do my english project and my friend said he’d help me with math tomorrow
That friend is my ex💀
im so stupid sometimes i feel like being friends with him was a mistake- it makes it so hard to get over him :/
Idk what to do. Like he has so many toxic traits that i CANT live with, but at the same time hes so loving and amazing and he literally stuck with me at my absolute WORST.
bpd fucking sucks and tysm mila 
Im legit so stuck if i stay friends with him or not. he’ll always stick by me but it HURTSSSSS
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I got a B on my exam 
but then started crying in the middle of the union hall bc my ex was being such a bitch to me when im already so stressed and behind on so many classes
we worked it out tho
but i have a huge problem
i feel like im going in reverse when it comes to getting over him
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Its been awhile
I wish i had sumthing good to write but i dont
Im in another depressive episode and this time its so bad bc im trying to get ofer someone while at the same time chase them but i can tell theyre distancing from me
okay basically i met a guy in my college class and legit i swear its like both of our worlds shifted like
So much has happened in such little time (in the span of a month) and its like hes LITERALLY ME. were the same person. And the differences we DO have, they balance eachother out. Its to a point like, were so similar its creepy and ive never met someone so similar to me before
but hes so stupid
💀
Because
He told me he didnt want me to talk to someone anymore so i said okay, and i told them and blocked them. But then he got mad at me bc i told them? And apparently that really hurt him ????? And how there was a heart on their contact (totally platonic tho) n now he thinks im entertaining other dudes like what the fuck no i literally BLOCKED HIM
So he is just scared to trust me for now and wanted me to “let him heal” or some shit but hes still with me though?? But hes so distant ugh
And basically made it obvious he wants me to chase him bc hes scared to do that with me now and ugh he thinks i dont love him or something i think idk im so confused
This whole thing is so fucking stupid
Keep in mind hes older than me
BUT WAY OLDER AND I DIDNT KNOW HE WAS OLDER UNTIL HE TOLD ME BC OUR PERSONALITIES R EXACTLY THE SAME AND HE LOOKS SO YOUNG
Idk
Whatever
im just trying to detach myself but it just hurts
Especially when im talking to him at the same time
But ugh whys he so much older than me yet acts so emotionally immature
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I dont even want him anymore
I stg i have issues 
Lately i havent been able to think about anything because of gaza and now im so stressed out because my family is there (most of my family is in Ramallah but i do have a few family members in gaza) and now my cousin basically got hit so now my family isnt even safe anymore???
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Its getting scarier
I dont get it
How do people not have hearts
How can you cheer for the death of my blood and family
Are you monsters????
I cant eat, i cant sleep, i cant experience any ounce of joy without remember my family and millions of people are suffering. I feel so guilty, why am i the safe one? If my father never moved us here then i would be right there with them
Why do i get the comfort of being able to sleep peacefully and having good food?
Why am i the one who doesnt have to worry about a bomb being dropped on me as im asleep?
how can people not care??????
Im so fucking angry
I dont know how to cope
How can you be so fucking heartless, youre monsters, i cant even look at any of them like humans anymore. They arent, theyre demons. Nobody with a heart could call us animals for our ethnicity, nobody with a heart could cheer for the death of my family who’s never harmed a soul. I cry every fucking day and cant sleep because i am so fuckinng scared they wont be alive when i wakeup. I act like im okay but im no where near okay and i cant pretend anymore
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