My friend is problematic and I need an outside perspective

[urban niche]

Tw: ableism
Imma put the messages between us in here and yall can give me perspective please

[topaz flame]

is it due to them being uneducated [neutral position] that you find them problematic?

or do they demonstrate an unwillingness to learn? / something else

theres a lot going on in those messages, i understand their language ("||drug them up or lock them up||") is problematic

im struggling to understand:
if this person acknowledges that sometimes its just how a person brain works and their brain cannot be fixed, why they would advocate for being mean to them in hopes itll make them change?

thats so illogical?

i can see they are deeply uneducated on the status of the r slur as, well, a slur

[untold fern]

I think there’s a lot that they said was wrong but in all honesty I also believe that they have a right to not want to pursue a friendship with you

Sometimes you meet someone and you just don’t work with them, and that’s ok

They have a right to acknowledge that and want to move on while staying acquainted

[topaz flame]

yes i agree with this too ↑

plus you too dont need to keep this person in your life

[untold fern]

I think pushing that will hurt both of you, and also it just sounds a little bit bossy, and won’t help your cause

[untold fern]

Agreed

[topaz flame]

2 years ago i had a disagreement with a friend, their words convinced me that i was deeply in the wrong. we stopped being friends and i realised that no, they were way too out of line

they didnt have a desire to hear what i had to say. they werent attempting communication in good faith

then 9 months later we talked again, and they apologised because they had taken the time to grow as a person and recognise their past flaws

if someones not demonstrating a desire to seek understanding, its not going to happen

[urban niche]

Omg im so happy someone is actually helping. Lemme read what yall are saying

[urban niche]

Both they are ableist and have a very inflated ego that that makes him have a god like complex almost and it makes us clash a lot. He is so set on punishment rather than empathy and it's really gross and I just need reassurance im not completely crazy

[urban niche]

No heres the thing they want to be friends with me but like what does he think a friend is? He dislikes everything about me so what is there he wants to be friends with?? I am just so perplexed. Also it's really complicated. He's dating my friend and all of my friends are friends with him (granted they are also pretty sick of him) so he is pretty intangled my life

[urban niche]

What sounds bossy?

Okay I suppose yall don't have the full pic. So I started this because he talks to my sister on why im an asshole instead of working it out and I don't like it. He said literally unprompted to them that he thinks he's had a worse life than me and that like my struggles aren't that bad. Comparing literally does nothing so it made me a little annoyed and the rest of his conversation with my sister bothered me so I decided that I was going to try and work it out one last time. And he just seems to live on a whole other planet its actually insane

[topaz flame]

how did you find out about his convos with your sister?

[urban niche]

My sister is the goat and showed me them

[topaz flame]

imo it was when in the beginning you said "no" and "stop"

this person was saying that they dont want to talk about it and you were telling them no. but as chris said, they have a right to not want to engage

[urban niche]

Okay I understand. How do I proceed?

[topaz flame]

i go 2 ways with this, and by that i mean, theres a world where she was good to show you, and there's a world where she shouldnt have done that

[urban niche]

Why

[topaz flame]

if it was me i wouldnt put any more effort into this relationship

given youre around each other a lot, i would be civil

but also for 3 years my bsf wasnt friends with 3 of my other friends, they did not speak to each other ever and we just worked around it

(big friend group: like 12 people)

[urban niche]

Ughhhhh it's just so hard if I lose him I lose his gf. And it just complicates everything. He just lives on another planet and it frustrates me that I don't understand it

[topaz flame]

well he seems to be her friend, so perhaps he was hoping his opinions would remain confidential. also, what did she think would happened once she told you. its clear he never intended to work this out with you, so her telling you instigated a conversation she probably knew he wouldnt be open to

[topaz flame]

why are you friends with someone who gives up on their friends if their partner doesnt also like them???

[urban niche]

Damn. You right

I just texted him. Officially ending the "friendship" with him

[topaz flame]

wonderful! /g

[untold fern]

I get that, but in all honesty from his messages he doesn’t really want to be your friend. That’s his choice. You have a right to be hurt by that but it is best to leave it if he doesn’t want to talk to you.

[untold fern]

Just the whole thing where you were pushing him to talk about it and tell him all his issues with you wasn’t really a great move. It makes you sound ignorant, it makes you sound pompous and in this case, you are pushing against his boundaries.

[urban niche]

Oh okay. Im working on boundaries thanks for your input ❤️

[topaz flame]

its important to note that boundaries are not supposed to be about controlling other peoples behaviour

setting a boundary would look something like this:

"i dont feel comfortable responding to texts after 8pm. if you text me after that time, im letting you know that i will respond the next day"

your ex-friend didnt set a boundary

he just said there isnt anything more to talk about

so thats not where you messed up. but we already talked about where you did so i wont go on about that again

[topaz flame]

navigating communication and relationships is difficult, so im sending you the best of luck!!