#a journal of someone who doesn’t really matter, hence the name

40 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

weak inlet
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prob just a general tw for this whole thread. tw for SI, SH, EDs, and probably much more. im very troubled, okay?

hey.
i’m antimatter, or avery.
my birthday is November 29, if you want to bother me on it or smt. i’ll probably be crying or relapsing though.
i’ve been struggling with mental and physical health for my whole life.
im clinically diagnosed with autism, adhd, major episodic depression, persistent major depression, gad, nfjs, asthma, and eczema.
i also probably have anorexia or bullimia, as well as probably some form of scoliosis. nothing official tho.
i’ll try to remember this thing exists.

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day 1
may 31, 2026

i had an okay day ig. todays the day i got another cat, but i dont really feel anything. im empty. i should be happy, right?
i didn’t eat much. maybe 530 cals? i relapsed on ||purging||, so take off some cals for that. bring it down to maybe 480 calories. im still just not skinny. ill never be happy until im skinny. i know exactly what im doing to myself. i know im destroying myself. i dont care.
i contemplated ||committing|| again today. i’m going to see a movie on thursday, thats the only thing i have to look forward to. so maybe ill do it next weekend. i have nothing after that.
my life isn’t enjoyable at all.
i try so hard to be grateful and to like myself and like my life but i just cant. i cant do it. im not lovable, even to myself.
i dont really have much more to say today.
it’s technically june when im posting this, its 12:03 am.

-antimatt.r

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this is niko.

IMG_0452.jpg IMG_0458.jpg
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my life is in shambles dude

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im miserable

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i hate this

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i hate me

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||i wanna die||

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might just ||relapse on sh. dont even know where id do it bc its summer and no part of me can be hidden anymore.||

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i miss winter when i could just wear long sleeves all day for weeks.

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now everyone would notice.

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i wish i could lose weight.

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||i wish i could die.||

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||god, i just wanna end it all. i cant fucking do this anymore. no one fucking likes me and im so alone that i dont even know what to do with myself anymore. i should be happy. my life is filled with so many things that i should be happy abt but im not. im just empty.
i genuinely have nothing to look forward to after like friday this week.
im supposed to be dead rn.
i cant see the inside of an ambulance again. just let it work this time. just let me die already. i dont even know which plan i would go through with. i have too many suicide plans.
im not gonna list them, but theres at least 4.
i just dont wanna do this anymore.
i genuinely cannot imagine myself living to adulthood.||

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hahahaha i genuinely think im going crazy

cursive vigil
weak inlet
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that’s basically all i can promise you

cursive vigil
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im sorry i really want to comfort u but im not too sure how to

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but srsly dont do it

weak inlet
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people generally suck at comforting me

cursive vigil
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☹️

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ill be here reading ur messages and i srsly hope u can get better

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is it ok if i pray for u tn, i hope this doesnt offend u if u dont believe in religious things

weak inlet
cursive vigil
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i hope this can put your heart to peace

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or help in some shape or form

weak inlet
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well thanks ig

cursive vigil
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ill be here for u if u ever need it

mental urchin
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oh my god

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its so cute

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🥹

weak inlet
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i have another too

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this is ezra

IMG_0454.jpg
mental urchin
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aww

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orange cats r so cute 🥹

weak inlet