⚠️ TW My friend was assaulted and I don’t know how to help

[ember juniper]

The other day I was on a call with a friend but it was interrupted by her telling her roommate to stop doing something. We try to keep talking but a few minutes later she says she has to hang up because her 4 male roommates are at her bedroom door wanting to have sex. She’s pissed at them so I tell her to tell them no but she said she doesn’t have a choice. I told her that sounds like rape and she said “not if I enjoy it.” Later she texts me to let me know she’s “ok” and when I expressed my concerns she told me she was sorry I almost witnessed that. She said tried to “lay down the law of consent” which upset them, and she even punched on of them. She said was her own fault for “teasing” them and she said they just “snapped.” We’ve spoken since then and stuff but I just feel sick that this happened to her and idk what to do or how I can help her.

[wicked marsh]

I’m confused so she wants this or not ?

If they dangerous she should file a rape charge and get a gun

[ember juniper]

I beg your pardon?

[wicked marsh]

I mean she says I enjoy it etc so is this consensual or not

[ember juniper]

Not to be rude, but I’m going to assume you didn’t actually read it or you’re ignorant on such a sensitive topic. If so, please don’t respond to this again

[hot willow]

Dude he's just trying to help you so calm down

[wicked marsh]

When you told her it’s rape she denied it by saying it’s not if I enjoy it . That’s confusing how else am I going to understand it . If it’s rape tell her she needs to get the police involved

The only way you can help is emotionally and comfort her etc

[ember juniper]

My friend got ||raped|| and you’re telling me to calm down? Anyone who’s been assaulted before knows that’s a coping mechanism said by victims, I’d know. And if you read the rest, you can clearly see it was against her will

[ember juniper]

Things aren’t always that simple. Like I said, you don’t know what you’re talking about regarding ||rape||. Please stop being insensitive

[iron brook]

Hello everyone! So I read the situation above and I'd like to say that please move on :)) The user above is seeking help for their friend and the situation above has been noted. From what I can see it may be a understanding and It's okay. What happens now is that we all show each other some understanding and clear up what we meant. We're here to support one another. Staff has taken note of this situation and it will be handled accordingly :)))

.r r 2

[white turret]

Rules Reminder

Rule 2 — Be respectful and mature. Trolling is forbidden.

Rude behavior will not be tolerated. Keep conversations respectful for everyone.

Command | .remind rule

[iron brook]

.r r 10

[white turret]

Rules Reminder

Rule 10 — Use the support channels appropriately.

You may not use the support channels to engage in inconsiderate manners. This includes making unnecessary comments, making jokes, being rude, invalidating someone's problems, or disregarding a user's advice/support.

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[ember juniper]

Thank you 🖤

[iron brook]

No need for thanks at all :)) We're here to help! You can also @/staff for an immediate response !

[quiet estuary]

This is definetely a case of sexual coercion from the sound of it. I assume she is financially dependant on this arrangement in some way?

In any case if this is getting to a point of physical violence it is clearly beyond any k1nk relationship. Wether she recognizes that or not.

It seems likely from what youve described she doesnt realize the extent to which she is being coerced. Its common for victims of this type of thing to believe and trick themselves into the idea they asked for it or like it. This may even be somewhat true. Whats dangerous is when this idea continues despite ever worsening conditions.

My advice as a starting point is sitting down with her and trying to have her open up about it all. She has to realize the situation before anything else can be done. Discuss how she feels and how she defines her relationship with the roomates. I would also ask about the state of her reliance on them. Just to see how possible it would be for her to potentially leave

@ember juniper hope this all helps, also amazing on you for clocking how awful this is and jumping to support them in what ways you can. Youre a great friend by the sounds of it.

Your main focus should just be opening her eyes to the manipulation she is suffering, and supporting her through that process

[ember juniper]

I'm not sure how to even approach the topic to start tbh

[quiet estuary]

I would advise calmly. Dont make it a big deal or jump into accusations. Just casual conversation asking them in a concerned way what they feel happened. And then respond to her responses with compassion while still helping her understand why what happened was so awful

Essentially treat it like its no big deal

So she can realize it is over the course of the conversation.

Jumping headfirst into talks of "you were assaulted" bluntly tends to cause panic

Part of being a victim of this stuff is usually self blame, which seems to be the case here if "not if i like it" is any indication. The victim has to realize for themself they are the victim and usually telling it point blank causes extreme mental distress

[ember juniper]

I thought about apologizing for not being helpful right after it happened. Is that a start?

[quiet estuary]

I wouldnt recommend it. First off being over call, you couldnt have done much to begin with. Thats not your fault at all.

It also again makes the tone immediately switch to a more serious one shes likely to reject. Id start by just asking for more info on what that was all about like how one might bring up a show or some gossip. Light and casual

Easier said than done i know

But its likely to get the best results

[ember juniper]

Any questions I could ask?

[quiet estuary]

Mostly play it by her responses. Ask stuff to prompt self reflection is the main goal. If she says its no big deal or deflects with liking the situation. Just ask something casual like "But didnt you punch him?" Or "I thought you said they snapped?"

Then based on her responses just be comforting and affirm the idea she was hurt and a victim here without outright stating it

Little things like "But you said no and he continued anyway" are small things that go a long way to helping grapple with it

Shows you care and shows it was wrong

[hasty verge]

I’m sorry your friend went through something like this. As someone who has been a victim before, it can be difficult to understand if whether or not “was I assaulted?” Cause parts of you can be yelling “well you caused this” “you did etc “you deserved it”. But even if she had said that she was teasing them and making sexual advances. Consent can be revoked no matter what, if she doesn’t want it anymore. Then you stop the action, no means no. She clearly said no to them and got mad that they were bothering her for something like sex. Even if she ended up “enjoying” it, that still doesn’t make it okay that it happened, she said no and that should have been it. They should have understood that but instead they forced her to do something she had denied to do.

What you can do to help her is just be there for support, even better try to make her see that what happened to her, wasn’t her fault. And it will never be her fault. If she wants to press charges against them. She 100% could but if she doesn’t want to, then it’s her choice
Just be there for her throughout this whenever you can

[fair hare]

What would guts do?

[ember juniper]

You're right. I just have to get the courage to talk to her. it's not an easy subject

[ember juniper]

Nothing good

[fair hare]

Do something by her

[quiet estuary]

Yeah exactly as i said. And as a fellow victim myself

Hope ur doin alright

[ember juniper]

@quiet estuary @hasty verge I talked with her. She insisted she was safe and while she understood my concerns, she said she's not going to uproot her life because someone is worried

[ember juniper]

Sadly no. But it's possible she doesn't have a good home life if this is "normal"

[hasty verge]

I’m so sorry for the delay, how is she doing now though..?

[hasty verge]

-# I’m doing better now, thank you I hope you’re doing better now as well

[ember juniper]

She “fine” I think. Been a couple days since I spoke to her but I know she’s been busy with working like 6 jobs

[hasty verge]

Keep us posted if anything changes and you need any more advice, okay? You got this. You’re a good friend