rain forge
Soooo, hiiii!!
I’m in my early twenties trying to build a better life. I'll have 25 very soon and I don't feel like my soul is living in my body. I don’t harm myself, and I don’t want to die. I struggled with that when I was younger, but I will mention it very briefly (at some point) for context only. Nowadays, my struggle looks different. It’s not emotional chaos, it’s self-sabotage. I want to thrive for more than my passive inner peace. I want to awake the uprooted dormant adventurous risk-taker in me. However, the main issue is that my actions rarely align with the life I want. Emotionally, I’m stable. I feel calm, light, even super confident at times. I’m not numb, but something in me keep resisting the idea of genuine growth and healing. Over time, I became more guarded and rigid, like I’m wearing armor. I don’t wear makeup because it triggers something deeper I don’t fully understand. What confuses me is that I’m no longer deeply distressed, but I’m also not deeply vulnerable. It feels like I’ve shut the door on certain emotions. My mind prefers peace, even if it limits me. I have inner walls meant to keep me out. I can't seem to connect with myself on a deeper level.
Whenever I try to move forward and grow, I hit a wall. It feels like a golden cage. I can feel good and at ease, but the moment I try to become more disciplined and intentional, something pushes back. The self-sabotage starts small and builds. It feels like a part of me rejects this version of myself who dares to be someone after treating herself so poorly. I’m very self-aware, which makes therapy difficult. I’ve studied in helping professions, so I often analyze the therapist instead of fully engaging. It creates distance. What I’ve realized is that I’m afraid of hope. Hope requires me to believe in a future version of myself I don’t feel allowed to become. I also carry quiet, unresolved anger toward myself. It shows up when I try to move forward, as if part of me believes I shouldn’t. I feel I am lowkey repeating myself, but yeah. A lot of this ties back to something very physically visible. I have scars on my face, marks from very poor choices I made in the past. They don’t let me forget. Every day, I see them, and it feels like I’m facing a permanent version of myself that I believe I ruined. There is deep grief in that. Not just about appearance, but about identity, about who I believe I could have been. The presence I might have carried, the ease, the charisma, the confidence that once felt natural. Sometimes, it feels like I disrupted my own becoming. There’s a voice in me that says I can still live a good, peaceful life, as long as I do not aim too high because it won't ever be the real you up there. So I’m left wondering how to truly apologize to myself and forgive myself when my past is something I see every day. How to move forward, not just emotionally but in my actions, without feeling like I’m breaking an unspoken rule. It’s not exactly guilt. It feels more like a quiet belief that I shouldn’t let hope in, that becoming better is no longer something I’m permitted to do, especially because that hope feels very tied to a version of me that no longer exists...
I was wondering if I could have advice or new perspective on... Even a mantra, a quote, an anecdote... So, I can wake up.
(1) How I can manage to develop my sense of self-responsibility and life purpose without triggering my queerphobic moralistic, policing, punitive (conformist) perfectionist persona + without being codependent and/or having to rely on soul ties, external validation and romantic love as pre prerequisites/stepping stones?
(2) How I can develop a sense of urgency and will (fire) with consistent intensity?
(3) How I can overcome my fear of hope and self-reliance?
(4) How I can apologize and forgive myself in order to move on?
(5) How I can do self-care feeling empowered instead of feeling like I am just doing damage control?
wintry raptor
celest heath