how do i stop feeling distant

[ocean sinew]

i just cant stand thos anymore, i try and i try over and over again to cultivate relationships where i can feel close to someone but it always falls short, i can never truly experience what its like to having a true friend, i dont know, i feel distant from everyone, my parents like me but they like the "me" they think i am, i can never really trust them, i have some friends too, sure, but ill never experience having a TRUE best friend that you feel extremely connected, everyone i talk to i just feel like im forcing myself to do it, i cant process emotions without overthinking, and ending up having some horrible anxiety on how people will perceive me, but not because i care about the people, more because i care about my social image and how that will affect me, im an asshole and i pretend i dont know it, the only person i truly feel connected to is my partner but even then i think im not enouh to please them, its not their fault, no, theyre an awesome partner, what im saying is that I dont think im doing a good job, and they have their own friends and life, demanding their attention 24/7 would just be really annoying, so genuinely WHAT do i even do in this situation

i feel like an empty husk waking up everyday to do the same things and pretend i care, following the rules so i dont have to worry about the pain in the ass that is people screaming at me

and i cant really even complain, my life is really good at a surface level, i have everything i need and more, so complaining really is just selfish of my part

people are doing way worse than me rn

i know im young but

all i really want to do is drown myself in alcohol and drugs

to see if ghis makes it all easier

so i dont have to keep overthinking anymore

the voices in my head are getting annpying at his point

[mint finch]

You sound alot like me honestly. And I am about to turn 30 this year. Wish I knew how to be alive and learn to make connections. Maybe it is a me problem. I just don't know. And I am exhausted of existing.

[ocean sinew]

damn, yeah i get you

[mint finch]

Yeah? Well this combined with chronic illness is pretty much stopping me from pursuing a lot of things in life.

[mint finch]

Sigh. What is the even the point of living like this?

[ocean sinew]

maybe hope, you may think you're old but you still got a lot to live for yk? even if you dont notice it, looking for beauty in places you dont usually pay attention sometimes ends up really suprising you, hoping for a better future is always the first step, hoping to make a change or leave a mark, living, even with a chronic illness, just try to do your best, maybe leave your cpmfort zone sometimes and there's a high chance you'll find something to live for, little by little