I messed up

[round depot]

Hey, very very long time polyamorous guy here. Happy to help you navigate things. It’s not always easy.

[round depot]

I talk to a lot of first time poly couples in group sessions, and more than half of them are where one person wants to keep cheating and justifying it, and the other just doesn't want to lose that person so they put up with it and label it poly. That's not true polyamory.

True polyamorous relationships require trust and honesty across all parties. If not everybody is truly onboard, then it will not work. When it does work, it's wonderful. I've been poly for 26 years now and got a lot right and a lot wrong to be successful and happy at it, but it takes a lot of communication or it falls apart real fast.

[undone thicket]

so you'd be with person x and he with just you?
or he can be with another person y?

[round depot]

In all of my experiences, this past year has actually been the first time I've ever been in a throuple. My wife's long time (17 year) girlfriend and I got together a year ago.

Most of my poly relationships have been me dating others in addition to being married to my wife, and most of those partners have had partners of their own. My primary girlfriend is married.

My friends joke sometimes that I need to draw a map.

[undone thicket]

I have never really dated before, let alone know anything about poly relationships

tho from what I can see, OP's bf took the question as "you're not enough", because to 90% of people, that's how it means

and yes, even tho op didn't mean that, once the question has been asked, the effects can not be undone

[round depot]

Not an unfair viewpoint. Those new to poly or unfamiliar with it can very often struggle with that particular feeling. I've helped quite a few people navigate it.

[undone thicket]

yeah, that's where the challenge is really

[round depot]

It can be tough, and I tell people all the time that poly life is not for everybody.

[undone thicket]

yeah exactly, not everyone accepts it and wants to live it

[round depot]

Correct, and sometimes it just doesn't work. I've lost countless partners over the years because they met someone they wanted to go monogamous with. I always wish them the best of luck and stay in touch as platonic friends when possible.

My favorite way to lose a FWB/GF/BF etc is for them to find love, so it genuinely makes me happy.

[undone thicket]

hmm
and how did u handle that most of the time

[round depot]

Reword?

[undone thicket]

there fixed, mb haha

I meant losing partners

[round depot]

Losing partners to them finding someone? I love it!

[undone thicket]

yeah
doesn't it hurt tho?

[round depot]

I seem to often attract partners who are picking up the pieces after heartbreak. Break-ups, divorces, etc... I give them a safe place to refresh, reboot, and rediscover their sexuality. Hopefully find their self-confidence again. My wife jokes that I rehabilitate and rescue then release back into the wild. 😂

[round depot]

Not at all. If I can help someone find themselves then it brings me endless joy.

But that's also my chosen role as a pleaser.

[undone thicket]

😭 😭

[undone thicket]

I see, that's good

glad to hear that

[round depot]

I try to use my powers for good.

[undone thicket]

as everyone should

[round depot]

The only time it hurts is when they go no contact or ghost. Happens once in a while, kinda stings for a minute.

[rough halo]

I imagine I'd have a similar response like your boyfriend, so just my 2 cents;

You are essentially approaching him saying "I want to love/be with someone other than you, but I also want to be with you".

No matter what you said afterwards, I think the relationship is immediately dead in my eyes (to me)

I'd lose trust, I'd be constantly concerned

Because you've told me you are open to being with someone else

Poly couples are usually someone with insanely low self-esteem, who lets themselves get put in a situation that's insanely bad for them

[round depot]

Not always. I've been with countless poly partners over the years and yet to find any with insanely low self-esteem.

Again though, the ENM/poly/etc lifestyle is very much not for everybody.

I've always believed that it takes great self-confidence to be successful in the lifestyle.

[rough halo]

Yea, and you really have to find someone who expresses desire for it originally, otherwise you'd run into this exact issue often.

[round depot]

That too. First timers are often confused and uneasy.

You have to have that open mind to even get started though. If you personally have a monogamous mindset, then it might be best to simply find another partner.

Heck, I've had partners who wanted to experiment with the concept of being poly, hooked up with them for a bit, only to have them realize they're actually monogamous but they wanted to see if it worked.

That happens all the time.

[mossy bay]

It's good you were honest about it. You are allowed to explore (preferably not while in a relationship) and he is allowed to leave if he doesn't feel comfortable. You should do what you wanted to do which is try poly. He gave you that freedom.

[round depot]

Agreed. Honesty is so important.

[undone thicket]

yeah..
that is just never an easy thing to experience

[round depot]

I've been ghosted dozens of times and it never doesn't sting a little bit.

[undone thicket]

hope you no longer have to go through that

[round depot]

Still happens once in a while. I'm still very active in the poly community.

[undone thicket]

oh I see

[round depot]

It just doesn't bother me for long. I move on.