Urgent Advice needed ?

[jade robin]

I don't know if my boyfriend is cheating on me. This morning I found a tinder verification email in his email trash section, send yesterday 5 pm. I asked him this morning and he swears he has no clue how it got there. His explanation is that someone could be misusing it or his friends or siblings could have done that. He sent me screenshots to show that he does not have tinder downloaded and he sent screenshots again to show that he deleted his old accounts and he has had no chats on there. He said sorry I had to see that and he swears he has no clue how it got there. I don't know what to say, I don't know what to feel. We've been together for 3 years and 4 months. I don't know if I can confide in friends because their advice will be biased towards me. I am avoiding his texts because I don't know what to feel and he keeps asking why I am not replying properly. I don't know what to do.

[lime crag]

Let's stay as grounded as possible

His friends and/or family are not going to use his email to sign up for tinder, that's the most wack excuse

Are you 100% sure it was a verification email, not to put any doubt on you - just to like... having any semblance of faith this isn't what it seems to be

[jade robin]

yeah ive got a screenshot of it to myself and it literally said this is your pin and it had the 6 digit pin no on it, i have never used tinder personally but im pretty sure its a usual OTP email and it said you are recieving this email because youve either tried to sign up or log in again

another thing is it was not even in spam it was in trash

emails dont go to trash unless someone puts them in there

[lime crag]

Oh I read that as spam

Which is what kind of threw me

[obsidian current]

thats honestly a red flag im so sorry to say this

[lime crag]

It's a massive massive one

[obsidian current]

has something liek this happened before?

[lime crag]

Especially now that I know it was in trash, especially given a lot of people believe "Delete email" is all you need to do

[obsidian current]

yeah i mean if they even thought about clearing the email they couldve covered up worse

[lime crag]

Minrene, is there a reason you checked his deleted emails at all?

Were you already starting to be suspicious of him?

[jade robin]

ik a part of me wants to believe him but then how ridiculous does that reasoning sound

and the immediate screenshots of his account and no chats being there

and then telling me he deleted everything

it just doesnt sit right

[jade robin]

not really but in the past, like a year ago or so ive seen him message while hiding his phone and stuff

but i never thought into it much

[jade robin]

no not at all, i was trying to find something i had sent to his email and went to the trash because there was a message in there

and this was there

we spent a really lovely weekend together and nothing happened that weekend that would make me suspicious

[lime crag]

I fear I am genuinely unable to provide any semblance of "good" advice in this situation

This is waaay too sus for me

When confronted, did he ever mention actually deleting the email?

Because he clearly made the concious decision to delete it

[lime crag]

Immediate?

If I had to prove something like that;
I'd have to install Tinder
Login (Potentially need pin) / Remember account
Then I'd need to have had 0 interactions ever on it

So he provided you with the fact that he never used it or had any chats, for that he had to have an account

[obsidian current]

im so sorry its very normal to feel like it and you may also have reasons to justify it too

[lime crag]

If he has an old Tinder (Very possible and normal), then surely he must've had atleast 1 chat stored

[obsidian current]

but something needs to be done an action needs to be taken

dont just stay with him if it builds resentment towards him

[lime crag]

To go out of his way to clear chats is odd

hold on im download tinder lmao

[obsidian current]

wild

[obsidian current]

honestly from my own experiences, nothing anyone will ever tell you can make u change ur mind if it doesnt come from yourself

maybe not speak to ur friends about it who you know will constantly bother you with leave him do this do that

you kinda have to sit through everything and think over everything over and over for a long period of time until you finally think logically and not emotionally

and im not saying take advice from strangers on the internet and absolutely rely on it, the situation depends on you really

[lime crag]

@jade robin Sent you a DM, don't have to answer - just a picture

[jade robin]

no he said he has no idea how its there he said he just checked and its just in the trash

[jade robin]

i mean i knew he had an acc back like 3 yrs ago when we were friends

[lime crag]

Well, the only options are you caught him - or that someone else has access to his email then (And for some reason used it to get on tinder AND delete the email).

[jade robin]

i just dont know where this all came from like everything was going fine, i also feel like my immediate emotional response is to detach and feel nothing as a self defence so that leaves me very confused and unreactive

[jade robin]

yeah thats why i didnt wanna tell my friends and theres been a lot of cheating ish things going around so everyones sort of on edge

[jade robin]

yeah ik i just needed to get it out of my own head i felt like i was just going to accept his explanation and be like oh yeah babe thats fine then but is that whats right ?? #

[jade robin]

hm

also another thing when he logged in again how come it didnt send another otp, that either means his acc is on another email or hes already been logged in ? but then he also showed a screenshot showing he doesnt have it downloaded ?

[lime crag]

Well, he would've been sent another email

Unless ofc he used the original one to log in ....

Which he did.

[obsidian current]

yeah of course its the best thing when u decide to let ur feelings out even if its a journal or something, overthinking needs expression to heal

[lime crag]

I'm sorry, but it really just seems like a case of the most plausible thing is the thing that happened :/

[obsidian current]

detaching is very normal too

honestly relationships deserve to give you peace

the one rigth now is definitely not providing you peace and everything he CAN do cant possibly comfort you about this permanently

i think taking a break, or breaking up and establishing no contact is the best way to go, especially if your natural emotional response is to detach

you need to have space and freedom to think everything over, understand what you truly want in a relationship and stop yearning for him during that process

and i agree w the krullah person

most of the things youre gonna feel is gonna be really really intense so you may want to talk to trusted people about this once youve made a decision

[jade robin]

idk i feel like i am overthinking but im also underthinking ? i feel so numb, i wanna go on with my day as usual and ignore this but at the same time i cant just accept something like that happening to me

he is texting and saying he still has no idea how it happened

and to trust him

but how am i just supposed to believe that

idek what i am supposed to do

[obsidian current]

ofc i know thats so harsh

you feel as if theres nothing you can do just because u dont want to do antyhing about it

honestly what ur doing rn is completely normal and id say its even healthy

ive heard this saying that goes like 'to get through a breakup you actually have to go through it' meaning you have to grieve and overthink and cry and be sad and give it time until it goes away and you can let go, ik this isnt necessarily a break up but still i feel like the same logic applies

but dont overdo it, control it and make sure it doesnt affect your routines and i know thats difficult and i know thats impossible but i promise you, u do still get back and find urself again

the first step is accepting the evidence you have and let your emotions process it

then you have to take a decision no matter what

[jade robin]

i feel like even if accepting it or what not or wanting to have a serious talk is not possible when he is continuing to deny it

and im worried my brain is split

like some where my brain is like yeah what he says make sense

[obsidian current]

whether its a serious talk, a break, a separation etc, but you have to do it and you have to understand

[jade robin]

but the other part is like no this makes no sense

[obsidian current]

yeah i know it sucks honestly

you js gotta express your emotions to feel better

take some time for urslef, heal urself etc because this is a huge shock

[jade robin]

i know and thank you for your advice honestly, im gonna sit on it, talk to him and see what he says

and go from there

[obsidian current]

ofc yeah anytime

i hope whatever happens is for the best

[uncut fjord]

people are disloyal for a multitude of reason, not necessarily your fault, just a sense of immaturity and a lack of grasp of what a relationship encompasses (projecting he is)

they want the fruit but not the labour

[jade robin]

I think its more confusing for me when I can't place the disloyalty as he continues to deny it and constantly denies knowing anything about it

I don't know what to choose to believe or what to say to him when he is asking to believe me

[uncut fjord]

he can cover up short term but even the truth always comes to light

regarding relationships... yeah theres no hard evidence ig but just go with ur gut

[mortal jackal]

lel, that sounds very unlikely. Idk much about dating apps, but I know people who had tinder. A tinder verification code means someone used his email and the fact that it was in the trash means someone saw it and deleted it. This part is easy to confirm. The friends and siblings excuse makes zero sense because why would anyone go out of their way to sign up for tinder with his email and delete the evidence?

Avoiding his texts isn't gonna help. you need to talk to him and press him on it. Don't let him get away with excuses and the classic "i don't know", because that's not a real answer in this situation. You've been together long enough, you deserve a straight explanation, not whatever this is

[uncut fjord]

yea and ur both adults so that responsibility is grounded, its not like a random 5 year old going crazy over something trivial, its a serious thing

[mortal jackal]

tbh, the bigger issue here isn't even just the email anymore. It's the fact that you don't know if you believe him or not. Because if you already have that doubt, it's gonna be really hard to just go back to normal after this. Even if you try to move past it, that question is always gonna sit in the back of your mind like "what if he's lying" and that's not a great place to be in a relationship. Right now, we don't know anything for sure. He knows the truth and he's not telling you, but give you excuses. Does he have evidence that his friends and siblings are using his email to sign up for tinder? Or was it more like "oh maybe this maybe that idk"? You on the other hand have receipts on his tinder activity

[jade robin]

so far all ive gotten is hours and hours of him begging me to believe him and telling me he would never do that to me. I told him even if i chose to believe him I would never trust him the same again and he said thats fine he is willing to build the trust back up no matter how many times it takes. He said he changed his password for everything because he doesnt know who has access to things, he gave me his password for the same email and that google account

[jade robin]

idk i feel like my gut and brain is conflicted. If one of my friends approached me with this same situation my immediate response would have been like no, there is no way he doesnt know what happened. But when it is happening to me i feel so stupid. I have loved and trusted this person for 4 years of my life, majority of my early twenties is with this person. and when someone you love so much is again and again saying they are being wrongly accused it makes me question things too, what if he didnt really do it, what if I am accusing him of all this and he was actually innocent

[uncut fjord]

It’s fair your considering a lot of things before concluding something; and I see your point. Not saying to break up or anything but just confront him about it and see his reaction I suppose, the evidence you have rn is tangential and honestly probably not worth breaking up over but its still and indication of something going on

[jade robin]

his reaction till now is deny deny deny and say that email has been used to so many places that it could have been anyone and if he really wanted to do something why would he just leave it in the trash and he has no idea how any of this happened

[mortal jackal]

everything you described sounds like he's tryna get you to believe him, not actually explain what happened. Begging, saying he'd never do that, giving you his passwords, all of it is all emotional reassurance, not an answer. You're trying to get answers here. The main problem is you already said it yourself that you don't think you'll ever trust him the same again and that's....kinda everything tbh. Like I said before, even if he somehow convinced you right now, that doubt is gonna sit there in the back of your mind. Now, it's not about if he's telling the truth or not, it's more about if you can still feel secure with him after this. If the answer is no, then this is just gonna drag out and make you anxious over time. That's best to avoid.

[plucky relic]

Im so sorry girl

Thats such a shtty excuse i wouldnt believe him

[mortal jackal]

yea, all I hear are excuses. Not explanations.

[jade robin]

yeah ive got a list of questions so im gonna ask those today and if i dont find any satisfactory response its gotta be me making my own deductions and when i suggested that i wont ever be able to trust the same again he said he is ready to do whatever it takes to build it back up. he keeps saying he is going to make sure this sort of situations never happen again and my qs is if someone did hack or misuse his account how is he going to make that sure ? he said he is making sure he changes his password to everything and all his socials but again isnt that the core of misusing that someone is taking advantage and got those details anyways ? idk if i am over analysing it but given the situation how can i not.

and it is harder for me because of what you said exactly, it is always going to be at the back of my head and if he is truly innocent i dont wanna put him through being with someone who is always doubting him

[jade robin]

mhm

[mortal jackal]

if he's willing to do anything, why can't he give you an explanation like you asked for?

[jade robin]

i've got nothing and got nowhere honestly, and im pretty checked out at this point. idk. thank you so much for all your advice and good messages. Means a lot to me. I hope you all have a good day/night.