#Panic attack in a relationship

1 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

loud siren
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Hey guys I'm Denis. I've been dating my Romanian girlfriend for 10 month now, relationship is doing okay I suppose but I have some issues, my girlfriend is long distance and she's the avoidant type, leaves when it gets hard on her while I am the anxious type that need to be reassured and solve it in closeness. My question is do you guys havy any good advice to make me less worried about nothing, feeling better to myself and avoiding any emotional breakdowns I sometimes have. I had a bad childhood with no affection and gratitude, I want to stay with my girlfriend but I sometimes worry she gets irritated with my anxious problems

Give me a few tips and advices, thank you

green adder
# loud siren Hey guys I'm Denis. I've been dating my Romanian girlfriend for 10 month now, re...

Try to have honest conversation about your feelings with her. I am sure you two can come up with something.

Also meanwhile you can try some breathing exercises (esp the ones that lowers heart rate , videos on YouTube) for panic attack
Walk in nature and distracting yourself with something.
Also if these panic attacks are really disturbing you then you should see a doctor about them soon.
Regular panic attacks is a legitimate metal illness that needs a doctor.

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Also can I ask , is she Christian?

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Si nice I assume you are from your profile

loud siren
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Now she was planning to break up and distance eachother

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We decided to let her take some space

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Until tonight, that's what she said

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She'll talk about it at night

green adder
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Also try to understand her too.

She is avoidant meaning in short one word "hurt".
Which means you should try to understand her .

Added on top of that is college and as you said unsupportive parents.
She must running constantly overwhelmed. So try to understand her and be there for her.

loud siren
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Making me more of a social person around people, I can talk if I like but I don't talk with ppl who have no actual interests

loud siren
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she rarely does it

green adder
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Is that a positive change , like something that is genuinely needed?

loud siren
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i mean, if u love someone

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u love them how they are

green adder
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Forget all this for a second.

Are you a Christian and is she also a Christian?

loud siren
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why change someone's personal comforts to something that seems like a waste of time

loud siren
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But she tends to forget about Christ' words

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Being selfish at moments

green adder
green adder
# loud siren u love them how they are

Not necessarily.
What if the person really has some bad habits like smoking , ||weed|| etc.

Do you try to change them or say
"Oh my darling , you're so amazing I love the way you smoke ||weed||"

loud siren
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Bad habits are smoking

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drinking alcohol

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etc

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I don't have those

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I don't really date girls who end up smoking or drinking

green adder
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With all that said .

She must have good intentions behind that. Maybe she just trying to help you out in making some friends.

"Assuming ill intent without honest conversations" is one of the best ways to push a relationship to an early grave.

Try to have a genuine honest conversation. Letting her know not having much friends actually doesn't bother you and you don't feel comfortable when she tries to help you by introducing to more people.

And that's if you're actually comfortable with less people. Remember honest conversations are built on truth and not lies.

loud siren
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I do have a few friends and I'm completely fine with keeping a small circle, I don't need abunch of people that possibly will just backstab me, I keep a small trust circle

green adder
loud siren
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I did tell her I'm fine with the amount of friends I have

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She focuses on having several ones

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But I don't

loud siren
green adder
loud siren
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I don't cheat, nor do I do bad stuff behind her back

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I always gave her the respect and care she wanted

loud siren
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I talk honest about it

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But she doesn't seem to understand

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If she's telling me to stop talking w these ppl

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I will

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If she doesnt like i have girls follow me on socials

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ill remove em

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I'm not the type that will hurt the relation, I try to keep it stable

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Lately, she has been different

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Having celebrity crushes which she hasnt had before, talking flirtious about fictional dudes, now adding a old male friend she knew from discord 2 years ago that speaks her language even tho she knows im against male friends, random arguments for no reason, trying to blame me things that werent even my fault

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etc etc

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It's not my first relation but stuff like this makes me know she got bored of me and trying to find a way to put the blame on me

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when she breaks up

green adder
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K K I see its not just about panic attacks , and trying to make you social.

A lot of other stuff is also going in your relationship at the moment.

loud siren
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Yeah, I should have been clearer

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Sorry about that

green adder
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Sorry to hear that you both are going through a rough patch.

Can you like (not back off but) go back a little and start telling some details as when you both started together and stuff , so a better understanding can be gained.

Ofcourse if you're comfortable , no pressure. I can also give a general advice if you arent comfortable with the details.

loud siren
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She asked for some distance, she is already suffering with pain with everything she is going thru, it's best I just wait a bit

green adder
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Also hope this isn't stressing you out to the point it triggers anything.
I don't wanna hurt you.

loud siren
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And see if she's still in the mood to talk

loud siren
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It felt a bit toxic

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on the other side

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She really didn't check up on me, even telling me why does she have to tell about her day and so on

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It's weird

green adder
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I see , its K. You dont have to share anything you're not comfortable with.

  1. Try HCD
    Honest Conversations and Distance

HC - Try your best to understand their feelings and let them know yours too.
Do that gaina and again and again till it becomes unbearable.

D - but once you realise HC will never work , then maintain permanent distance.

PS. By distance I mean emotional distance and not physical distance (cutting ties). Physical Distance is not something I will ever advise and is solely and only your decision.

But unfortunately , it case of romantic relationships , D gets converted to breakup. Since a relationship built on love having absolute emotional distance is logically incoherent.

  1. Also , a person shouldnt generally expect something they themselves aren't willing to give.

I do love the part where you said for her happiness you removed some females.
But if she is not comfortable with that .
Then it will be good if she also tries you understand you a little as well.

See this removal of opposite gender friends has no specifics.
Some couple remove , some don't.

But overall its better if both are on the same page.

green adder
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Rather I use a different term , which doesn't matter in this conversation

loud siren
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Doing stuff that men would

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And her parents arent in good terms

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Years of arguing

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changes the child

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I'm just worried if I'll have to live a life with a woman who would do the same like them

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I wouldn't feel in peace

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Rather in doubt and stress

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She always talks a bit too highly about herself

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And always says like "My children will live a good life"

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Not ours

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but hers

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Making me doubt if she's even staying for the long term

green adder
loud siren
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I'm always honest talking with her

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Everyone has a different way of thinking

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Some try to deal problems to themselves

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Some try to share it and feel heard

green adder
loud siren
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And giving affection isnt really what she can do

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She gives out affection in a diff way

loud siren
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I really needed someone that can actually help out, I don't talk much about my problems to my family about it

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and friends is just the same

green adder
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Man , why are you sharing this in public server is beyond me. Stop doing that stuff to each other ,

Despite being an avoidant which means it must be hard for her to open up enough to tell you.
Why tell that on a public forum?

Like I said try to follow that general advice and see how it fits uniquely to your specific set of conditions.

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But if you don't share much , don't you feel you also have some qualities of an avoidant?

loud siren
loud siren
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I do tell her about my emotions and so on

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But I noticed she stopped seeing me as a man for that

green adder
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Aaah give me sometime , I need to go to a kid first.

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See you soon.

loud siren
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@green adder Updating you

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But she broke up with me 2 days ago

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10 months all in the gutter

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All because shes a avoidant who is also selfish

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And I never felt cared or loved at the last 3 months or so

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I just felt maybe theres a glimpse of hope she will do better

green adder
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You can't expect much from modern humans anyway. All they are a ball full of spite , bitterness and selfishness

loud siren
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She claimed to be religious

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Yet I never heard her talk much about God

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She claims to be a Orthodox

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They are more serious about God yet all I heard is her own things

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Not for God

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But her

loud siren
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She wanted me in her control

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Keeping me on a leash

green adder
# loud siren She claimed to be religious

I will not lie ,I have almost forgotten most details about your case.

Just that you both ate struggling
And lately she started taking distance but still doing online activities , like matching dp with ex or something.
And you thought she must be cheating

And I told HCD

loud siren
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Thats probs a diff guy ur talking about

green adder
# loud siren Uh?

Oh let see.

Don't take this badly , I talk to so many people on different platforms sometimes even , that I have even stopped trying to remember.

Its all on my short term , listen , give advice genuinely , forget.

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So please take no offence.

loud siren
green adder
green adder
loud siren
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Where she wanted to be dominant by just ignoring me

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And also, i never felt prioritized in the relation

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We sometimes could do things at 11 pm

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While she is usually free w friends and so on

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I felt like she only came to talk with me when she had no one to talk with

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As a ex boyfriend, thats just sad

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I did a lot for her, being supportive for her goals, giving space when she needed it, doing our own thing

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But she started micro cheating slowly

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And forgetting to even give affection

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I even had to ask her to give some love atleast

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She took me for granted

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Now she lost a real one

green adder
# loud siren Where she wanted to be dominant by just ignoring me

Hmmmm , like here I tell you the difference between a modern human and good person.

Whenever a modern human takes distance , they just ignore , like its not my job to always tell you , etc etc etc.
Maybe what you are saying to dominate , I don't know about all that.

But a good person will simply just communicate and say they need time , with adding some reassurance .

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If she was a modern human , then the relationship was always doomed .

You must be heartbroken but someone who doesn't want to make it work is not "partner material"

Goes both ways , men and women

loud siren
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I think its just best to stop getting in relations

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Focusing on God and myself

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Because those people only want the worst for me

green adder
loud siren
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Alright

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Maybe i was too hopeful for even being loved by a woman

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Only God does

green adder
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Those who trust God completely are provided plentiful by God

green adder
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Just be normal

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And wait for God to provide

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That's all

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Brother I need sometime , I will ping you when I will be to talk..

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Till the hope you're dealing the hurt of attachment with heartbreak slowly.

Don't worry it only feels like when will it end of it will never end.

But in reality , you do move on . just takes time.

See you soon