got broken up with yesterday

[deft swan]

Does he frequently puts a lot of pressure on himself?

[foggy crag]

he does a lot, I know he wants to remove the pressure of the relationship because he can't meet my needs rn

he was apologizing for feeling like shit after the work incident and even though I tell him it's okay and to take his time- I know he still feels guilty for not being there for me even if I tell him it's okay

leading up to the breakup I was a bit tone deaf like prioritizing my own discomfort (anxious attachment) over his ambiguity and silence instead of being more kind and considered and I also came of giving him more pressure

that's why it's so confusing if he's really done with me or not.

[deft swan]

Why would that even be a question.

He is not removing the pressure.
But adding it.
By thinking he is not meeting your needs well enough.

He is definitely not done with you.
Come on this is yesterday.

[deft swan]

But this also means he loves deeply enough to do that to himself

[foggy crag]

what he basically said is that he feels he's not capable to give me what I deserve. that intil he can it feels wrong for him to keep me. that he doesn't want to trap me in a relationship he's not confident he can upkeep

I wish he had asked for space instead but even then I can understand that it doesn't remove the pressure of him not being there for me as a boyfriend, he knows I have no other people but him at this point of time

that's why he's asking to be friends

[deft swan]

I think your man doesn't know how to rest , and I meant it as compliment.

And you should help him in doing so.

[foggy crag]

"I'm sorry for it being so sudden. I'll give you the time you need to adjust and think about whether or not you'd like to remain as friends. But I'd like to still support you if I can" this was his last message and after this I kept pushing to ask "can you answer this for me?" which was a message about "is it a you need space thing, or are you checked out of the relationship?"

[foggy crag]

he does put a lot of pressure and me being anxious attached is not easy to deal with

[deft swan]

I don't think he sees it that way. I meant the not easy to deal with part.

Men like that don't feel like that about their partner.

[foggy crag]

he left me on seen just says ago and I wrote to him "that was really disrespectful. I would like you to communicate like an adult. but do whatever I guess" and this was after another day passed and he didn't respond to my question if he wanted to watch a movie on sunday

we are in a long distance relationship

[deft swan]

Have you seen each other or waiting to do that only after meeting ??

[foggy crag]

I feel like I pushed him into a breaking point

[foggy crag]

of course we've seen eachother but we can't meet in person because he's from another country

[foggy crag]

I just think I added to the pressure, expectations and guilt

I don't know if it's deliusional of me to wait for him to feel better and get back to normal, or it's really done for

[deft swan]

Nah , try to ,
Well there is no telling him to ease.

He want to give you the best and he will not stop.

The fact he still wants to be friends , means he loves you. And just want to be better at meeting your needs and then again propose back.

[foggy crag]

I was being very difficult about accepting to be friends because that's like him being able to keep me in his life while he moves on- if that's even the case

I guess I can only wait for his message back about "is it a you need space thing or are you checked out" because rn I'm not sure if he's done with the relationship or he just needs space and is trying to remove pressure

because I don't know where his head is at

[deft swan]

Hahahhahah , but isn't that his whole point? To not let you go.

He isn't replying because he can't tell you the answer. Hahahaa

[foggy crag]

some people have a hard time with goodbyes. it's easier to keep the door open and move on then to be the person who closed the door fully and have that responsibility

[deft swan]

And he isn't that type.

[foggy crag]

if it's true that he has opted out then this is just minimizing damage

[deft swan]

Hard time with goodbyes type.

[deft swan]

He hasn't.

Trust me.

[faint stream]

He is saying he is done but feels bad, that's it

[deft swan]

Please don't share private messages on public forums.

[foggy crag]

oh I didn't know that, my bad

[deft swan]

I respectfully disagree.
But I am also 100% understand why psychology based morality will think that.

[faint stream]

I've been in his shoes Katchu, he is likely staying as friends for mainly egotistical reasons

[foggy crag]

he's not that kind of person

[atomic dock]

that's just fluff his real reason is definitely different but obviously exes can't be friends it's better to block and move on

[faint stream]

Because the thought of you and your relationship is there, but he can't actually handle being in one

[foggy crag]

I've met douchebags he's not one

[faint stream]

It's not being a douchebag intentionally

[foggy crag]

he's really not egotistical I know it's cars I just don't know what's the intention behind that care- to truly be friends or because he needs time

[faint stream]

He wants to stay friends because he dosen't process emotions like you do

And therefore the breakup itself dosen't mean the same

The idea of the open door is nice to him likely

[deft swan]

**In all honesty , I think psychology doesn't have the depth to understand human nature.

Its only a fluctuating branch of research that is ever changing whose main focus is to find faults to correct them

Which is good for mental disorders but bad for everything else**

[foggy crag]

that's true at this point of time he can't be in a relationship because he can't meet my needs ans feels guilty about it

I mean he was apologizing for feeling like shit to me- who does that

[deft swan]

To add on top of that , its been frequently disproved and changed multiple times esp a major change in 1950s.

So who is to say that it got everything correct this time around.

[faint stream]

Sorry what? He apologized for making you feel bad, or?

[deft swan]

Which is exactly why

Good for mental disorders only , and damaging and bad for everything else

[foggy crag]

something happened at his first day of work and he quit. he became really distresses and diaregulated thus needing alone time. he was apologizing for feeling like shit all the time

and I guess for not being able to be there for me. I think me having currently no friends added to that pressure

[deft swan]

See you all later , good ladies and gentlemen.
I don't engage when people with psychology based morality are present.

Bie bie.

Let's talk later

[foggy crag]

thank you for your insight and time- I really appreciate it

[faint stream]

I understand, but do you think its wise to remain friends?

That's essentially the core of this entire thing

Are you capable of putting aside those feelings

[foggy crag]

I told him I don't know about bring friends and only time will tell

I can't make such desicion that soon

but if he really moves on from the relationship I think it's better for me to not be friends

[faint stream]

That's what I am trying to convey, I was him years ago - as autism is a detriment in this regard

The ability to "just be friends" is easy

for him

[atomic dock]

It has nothing to do with autism

exs being friends is dumb in all situations

[foggy crag]

I can imagine that being the case

he can do that, but I don't know if I can

[faint stream]

Yea, that's the thing im trying to get across

For him it's easy to say "Lets just be friends still"

[foggy crag]

I just wish we could work it out

I was willing to even give us a month break (I didn't say that outright but said I'm okay with us taking space and that I need it too)

I mean that still wouldn't remove the guilt on his part

[faint stream]

Who knows, maybe it's possible - I hope for your sake that it can happen

[faint stream]

I had this with my ex, she had these insane feelings of guilt

Really does a lot of negative things for the relationship

[foggy crag]

I guess I'm going to try to learn regulation tools outside my relationship because what happened made me realize how still anxious and not secure I am when stress hits

but I feel like even if I was perfect he'd still have guilt

[foggy crag]

is there anything you can do about it?

[faint stream]

No, because it usually comes from something underlying

something that isn't directly related to the guilt itself

Like, maybe not being entirely sure in the relationship etc

[foggy crag]

so it's for the other person to work through it

[faint stream]

100%

It wasn't until I was like 25 that I changed to be different

I was like him the first 25 years of my life (Well, likely very close to the same)

[foggy crag]

he does hold some guilt about something that happened when he was younger

which translates into lower self esteem, guilt, etc.

[faint stream]

Yea, this is another story and something I cannot relate to

I can't really comment on that sadly, sorry

[foggy crag]

I'm just really confused about the friends bit- if I knew he just needed space I'd agree to it

[faint stream]

Welp, I did it too

Feels like the "best way" to break up

[foggy crag]

but if he wants to move on and detach while being friends then I don't want to

[faint stream]

to "leave the contact open"

you know?

[foggy crag]

you think he's really done?

I will give it time

he still hasn't responded to my last messages

asking for clarity which I'm not sure if he'll give

I think what I got from this is that I'll stay hopefull for now. I'll give him space and try to not think about it too much. if he wants the relationship he'll make it know- if not, I'll know that too with time.

[faint stream]

This I cannot really say, it'd be wrong to say Yes/No

If he stops texting and seems distant

[foggy crag]

I'm thankful for all the people the came to talk- I'll try to regulate myself and learn to find regulation tools outside my relationship:)

[faint stream]

It's a yes

[foggy crag]

I'll have that in mind, thank you

[deft swan]

Ping me when you get free.

Ah yes also only if you're comfortable also. No pressure.

[foggy crag]

@deft swan I don't mind talking 🙂

[deft swan]

Is your display name short for pikachu?

[foggy crag]

yeah I think so, I came up with it randomly 😭

[deft swan]

Great ,
Ash Misty Brok
Bublasaur

[foggy crag]

or it's more like a sneeze

[deft swan]

Achoo , yeah that makes sense too

[deft swan]

What did you mean by this?

[foggy crag]

being honest I don't know anything about Pokémon

[deft swan]

No worries. It was cartoon of our generation

[foggy crag]

by offering to be friends it's a kinder and easier desicion to hide behind than telling someone "goodbye forever"

[deft swan]

Became less mainstream by the time kids of your age grew

[foggy crag]

it's more so for himself then for me. it's removing the discomfort of making a final desicion

but these are speculation cuz I don't know what's in his head

[deft swan]

But I think its easier to tell someone bye if the friendship or relationship is complete , basically tying up all lose ends and giving closure to all involved.

That's seems appropriate and mature thing to do

[foggy crag]

actually it's easier to keep the door half open then to close it fully. you remove the responsibility of being the one who ended it because "you didn't really end it"

and you don't completely lose the person so there's no real consequences

[deft swan]

That's just running and lying to oneself when a person knows they initiated the whole cascade of events that lead to the distance.

[foggy crag]

because you haven't burned the bridge

[deft swan]

Also immature and cowardly

[foggy crag]

it is a more selfish move- to keep the door open if you don't plan to invite them in

[deft swan]

But why then keep the door open at all?

[foggy crag]

but again I don't know what he really wants

[deft swan]

You know what

Don't tell

I don't wanna know

🙉

[foggy crag]

there's many things

[deft swan]

No no no

[foggy crag]

but to put it short it's self serving

[deft swan]

Stop I think I don't wanna know

[foggy crag]

lmao

[deft swan]

Yes , the more you indulge with modern humans , the more you uncover their immorality

Its better some things are unknown

🙉 🙊 🙈

[foggy crag]

I myself have ended connections so I'm saying that from experience, but I always ended them fully without open doors

it's never nice

[deft swan]

My kinda guy

[foggy crag]

you honestly can't make ending things pleasant

if the other person is attached

well getting my own medicine served to me 😭

[deft swan]

But better to be kind than be nice

If you know what I mean

[foggy crag]

even explaining why you ended things didn't help making it easier

in my case I would like clarity and honesty

because it feels like holding onto something I don't event know if it's there

[deft swan]

Yes but its what is right. You stop talking to someone , you tell them this is why. And you make it clear that please don't try , my mind is made up

[foggy crag]

in my experience sending a short message and not continuing after is the kindest method

but that worked with people you.. haven't spent such a long time with

[deft swan]

I usually send a long message with added time like , I will be here for next 24 hrs if you want to say any last words.

[foggy crag]

I understand doing that with someone you know for longer

that is nice, but not something you need to do for someone you talked only for a few weeks per say

[deft swan]

Its a matter of perspective.

[foggy crag]

for me if I continued it wouldn't go well because now I have to explain and defend my choice

[deft swan]

What I wanna ask is , I'd your guy into God or atheist.

I am sorry this is the first thing I should've asked but I got carried away.

[foggy crag]

atheist

he doesn't believe in God neither do I, but I'm a agnostic

[deft swan]

Ah I see , then I could be wrong about him

Could be ,but not necessarily

[foggy crag]

what did you have in mind?

[deft swan]

No I meant until now what I have said ,could be wrong or right

It depends

By depends I mean what type of person he is

[foggy crag]

he is kind genuinly, but he puts a lot of pressure on himself

he was a good boyfriend it's just that when we are both in stress I reach out for connection while he needs space, which makes him withdraw more and me reach out more

it's an unpleasant loop

[deft swan]

Try to stick with him at least for at least a while. And see where it goes.

Then you can do as you like.

[foggy crag]

I thought I was making progress because I went the whole week without talking and feeling okay about it

and I was getting more used to his inconsistent messaging style, but he always consistently responded just that hours later or so

[foggy crag]

I'm trying

I messaged some people I haven't talked in a while and am going to attend evening classes which I haven't in a long time doing work from home

[deft swan]

That's all that matters .

Try having some honest conversations about how his behaviour makes you feel.

I am sure he would be able to come up with something that feels less overwhelming

[foggy crag]

I honestly think I'm more of the problem here

[deft swan]

Nah I don't feel so.
Neither should he feel so

[foggy crag]

like we talked it though, he kept reassuring me ans I would feel good in the moment but then the trigger would come again

and I would get upset about his delayed messages, being left on seen, or change in how he talked (responding rather than engaging)

I know it's not all my fault but I feel bad for my side of it

[deft swan]

I know a certain someone who made it work (not relationship but kind of mentorship) with a person with anxious attachment style.

That's why I an saying maybe or maybe not , your guy could too. It really depends on him .

[foggy crag]

yeah it rally does depend on him

I can't be the only one wanting to work though it

and I also don't want to go back to our old dynamic. I want to change and to make it work

it's just I don't know if he does

[deft swan]

I will leave you with this

[foggy crag]

thank you for engaging with me

[deft swan]

Try HCD
Honest Conversations and Distance

HC - Try your best to understand their feelings and let them know yours too.
Do that gaina and again and again till it becomes unbearable.

D - but once you realise HC will never work , then maintain permanent distance.

PS. By distance I mean emotional distance and not physical distance (cutting ties). Physical Distance is not something I will ever advise and is solely and only your decision.

Except when it comes to romantic relationships , the D automatically converts to breakup.

[deft swan]

Well the person I know would definitely 100%.
I can't say about your guy. But my last advice works for all.

[foggy crag]

problem is he's deflated rn so I'm not expecting any productive conversation soon

maybe in a week or two

or maybe when he'll message if he even will

[deft swan]

Hmmm all I can say is
HCD. That's all. It covers all aspects entirely.

And remember the certain someone I know will be able work with what you are telling 100%

So maybe your guy can too or maybe he can't , only time will tell.

That completes this conversation I guess

[white bear]

Austistic people have one unique trait - They are extremely direct and logical people. He's probably thought this through in a logical way and decided you would find much greater happiness elsewhere. There's a show called Love On The Spectrum - it's a dating show just for autistic people. Watch it, it might give you some insight

[deft swan]

K then , I bid you farewell.

[foggy crag]

thank you for your time

[deft swan]

Appreciate what you're doing for the kid man. Thanks.

[deft swan]

Anything that helps a young budding couple like you two.
Together you are the future and I hope it shines bright

Bie bie.

🤝 👋 💯

[foggy crag]

but what he wrote wasn't that direct. he honestly struggles with communication more than I do- I'm more direct in that sense but also a negative trait because I say before I think

[foggy crag]

thank you, take care and bye!

[white bear]

I agree, austistic people often struggle to express themselves, however their actions and decisions are often embedded in logical and intelligent processes. They are often the purest people. They aren't known for lying or deceiving. My suggestion would be to ask him why he believes he can't give you what you need. He will give you a frank answer

[foggy crag]

I know the answer, after something happened on the first day of work he quit and said "he needed time to feel normal again" and that it messed with his self confidence. a week passes of no talking ans he still wasn't feeling well. I think he removed the relationship just because of the pressure.

I already asked him if it's him needing space thing or if he's mentally out of the relationship- he didn't answer so I brought it up again. I don't want to message anything more because it'll only add more pressure and push him away

I do honestly thing he did that because he can't meet my needs currently and is feeling guilty and also pressured. I just want to give him space

[white bear]

I may be wrong, but I dont think that's what it is. If your relationship was that strong, I dont feel like he'd push you away when things are going so wrong in his life. The opposite. He'd lean on you for support