How can I be more useful?

[warped wharf]

Hello, I was wondering on how can be more helpful and reassuring to my partner about a topic. My partner is currently struggling with being trans(?) and communicating that they hate being biologically male, and that they can never come out to their parents or family. Along side this, they’ve been expressing harmful thoughts towards themselves and makes me panic at the fact that If I’m even being helpful in this conversation and at the fact that I don’t want them to think about things like that. I have autism and struggle with MDD, and I have trouble with focusing on a topic and expressing my words and thoughts out correctly and would make errors in my wording. I tend to be self deprecating whenever I get too stressed or overwhelmed by thoughts that aren’t too great on my wellbeing. I thought if I brought up a different topic then they could pay attention to it and things would be alright but I realize that it was inappropriate for me to do. I feel terrible that I’m not doing enough or being useless and they’re considering not coming to me anymore because it isn’t doing them any good or that I’m not being helpful. This ended up making me feel more terrible, and I just started to bawl my eyes out and thinking about how I’m such a terrible partner for not doing “enough” when I’ve expressed that I’m trying my best. I just decided to give them some space after they told me to leave them alone and I respected that. Is there anything I can do to improve or be more comforting or reassuring?

(PS, my partner also has mental disorders and actively goes to a psychiatrist every now and then along with taking meds such as antidepressants and stuff. I think this could be another moment they’re experiencing but I don’t want to disregard anything and assume it’s just that.)

[warped wharf]

And now they’re talking about im always pissing them off nonintentionally and how their mom was right about our relationship not being functional. Just completely saying that a ldrs isn’t worth it even though we’ve been going for almost 2 years now?? I just feel completely terrible i don’t know what im doing wrong i just feel like bawling my eyes out rn

[gusty wind]

I’m so sorry you’re going thru this, you’re clearly in a lot of pain and suffering, I wish you all the healing in the world

Not excusing their mean words, but since you mentioned that you’ve known each other for a number of years, this is a question for you to ponder: is their current mean behavior uncharacteristic from their normal behavior and normal self? Or have they always spoken to you like this?

If their current mean words are not a usual behavior that they have, then I would assume that they are probably expressing misdirected anger towards you. They’re likely struggling from a lot of inner emotional distress/frustration/struggles, but they don’t know how to communicate with you clearly what they’re really experiencing. So they’re likely just taking it out on you (I’m not excusing their behavior tho, only you would know if they’re always like this or not!) due to stress or environmental factors or something of that sort. So all I’m gonna say is, if it seems like that they’re just taking out their stress on you, then take peace in the fact that it’s not your fault.

For the time being tho, both for the sake of your mental health and theirs, you might wanna consider spending time apart and giving them space. Reassure them what you truly feel, but keep it concise, brief, simple, and to the point- tell them exactly what you wrote here, that you love them, care about them, and you will be here for them when they feel like they’re ready to talk to you again. Only you alone know best what points you want to or should convey tbh. Just communicate clearly, and make sure they know that you care about them and you’ll be here for them when they need you again. Communicate that the pause or taking space is temporary, and make sure to take care of yourself and your mental health by focusing on your needs, hobbies, career, and on things that bring you joy.

If they leave you after taking space, then let it go. You cant make someone stay in your life when they want to leave you tbh. And given how harsh society is towards trans folks, I can’t imagine how much your partner is struggling. It breaks my heart, I wish them well.

But overall, you gotta protect yourself too. And that means knowing and accepting that maybe you might lose them after they take space away from you, but you’ll be okay.

You should always, always remember that you’re your first priority. Don’t give up on your entire existence and well-being and stretch yourself thin for someone else.

LDR or not, if the relationship is meant to be, then it will be. If it’s not meant to be, then it won’t work out anyway. The goal is to focus on yourself, rather than on your partner.

Because at the end of the day, you are your best friend. And your question shouldn’t be “how can I help more useful to my partner?”.

Rather, your real question should be, “if this person does leave me, will I still be okay? Will I still land on my feet?”

And you can only answer that question properly based on your relationship with yourself. Build up a strong foundation with yourself, so that you always have yourself to rely upon no matter what happens in life. Good luck!

[warped wharf]

Yeah I’m heavily assuming that they’re having inner issues and stress, especially what they tried expressing to me before. They don’t usually act this way, but I’m only just assuming based on my knowledge that they’re possibly having a bpd episode but I wouldn’t know for sure. It currently really hurts on what they’re telling me and it just makes me feel terrible. They’ve expressed that they wished they have never met me, how our relationship status is just making their patience run thin and it’s annoying them how after we meet up that they’ll have to wait another year and half, and called me dense for making it all about myself apparently in our conversation. It genuinely hurts, and I’ve expressed that im trying so hard to keep our relationship afloat and healthy and have communication at the fact that they told me that he hasn’t been communicating to me and bottling things up from me because i would always bawl my eyes out about it. Our conversation became really overwhelming, and obviously I was bawling my eyes out and feeling like crap. They are aware at the fact that i have abandonment issues, and proceed to act like that they clearly doesn’t want to be with me anymore and push me away and when i express that i obviously don’t want to let go they said that I don’t have to or they aren’t saying that I have to and that it’s just unwise for me. I don’t want to judge someone or put the blame on someone especially when they’re having an episode or something like that because that’s really rude for me to do, but I don’t think it excuses the fact that it affected me. I just decided to give myself some space to calm down, and tried to communicate without having my emotions take the wheel. I don’t know I just feel horrible. They told me that from an outside view it looks like sunk cost fallacy, and i just took that negatively. I don’t know If I seem selfish or self centered in this conversation. i just feel like a terrible partner.