Me and my GF seem to be heading towards a breakup due to another person

[lilac cargo]

Me 26 and my GF23 have been growing quite distant latley, we have been having big talks about it and it seems to stem from how she has latched onto another person, He was someone i went to school with. I have noticed alot of changes in this relationship like how they are really giggly together, are up until 6:00AM on discord, send alot of tik toks to eachother i.e. me and my duo posts and such. Basically acting very BF/GF, we had a talk about it but she swears there are no feelings involed. They are meant to be moving some of ours things into out new house we just got together and it feels like alot. Also to add she wants to have a break for an unknown amount of time to make sure she is okay mentally. I will add we used to be eachothers support but it went away when they started talking, leaving me with no one. Sorry for text dump juat need some advice.

[still ether]

Extremely sus

[neon meadow]

that sad, how did they begin to meet each other in the first place?

[neon meadow]

ikr

[lilac cargo]

Well i had not talked to alot of people from school in awhile and decided to join a discord server with alot of them in and decided to get my GF into the server, we had been in for ages but until about a month ago i noticed how close they were

[still ether]

How long is y’all relationship

[lilac cargo]

Its about 4 years

[neon meadow]

wow, did u introduce her to him or it just they talk to eacher by themself?

[still ether]

Cannon event tbh

[neon meadow]

that long a relationship

[lilac cargo]

Everyone kinda just talked to eachother

[neon meadow]

i see..

[lilac cargo]

Yeah thats what makes it hurt more

[still ether]

We’re there any red flags or lack of interest coming up to this ?

[neon meadow]

yeah i hard to see ur love one talk to another dude

do u think that dude iis gay or nah? cus just want to make sure..

[lilac cargo]

Well weirdly enough i didnt catch any, Only issue we were having was the staying up really late on discord, i work a 10 hour shift and i couldnt fall asleep and eveytime i asked her to come off it would end with her being pissed off and eventually her saying i was being abit controlling

[lilac cargo]

Only thing i know about him of that he has never been in a relationship before, im almlst certain he is straight

[still ether]

I think she was doing stuff behind the scenes ngl even before him

[lilac cargo]

See i hate thinking she is, mainly because when i did ask she said that i dont trust her

[neon meadow]

she is tooo addictive to stop, maybe cus she had so much fun with that guy that she starting to think ur boring? that just my option. woman like when man being attentive to her. with u being busy with work too, that gave her the chance to talk w that guy more

[lilac cargo]

Im glad you mentioned that because that is how im feeling towards it, From the start of our relationship i have been the one chasing and trying to make it work but once we settled i didnt think i needed to. Im not saying i started ignoring or didnt try since i would always make time for her and us to have dates and everything

[neon meadow]

being in relationship meant u guy want to be in together, if ur going to be the one doing all of it what the point of loving each other. true it make u feel jealousy when u see her talk to another dude, that make u feel like she doesn't love u enough.

[lilac cargo]

I have thought that i might have been blowing it out of proportion, thats why i decided to join and ask for peoples opinions

[neon meadow]

mhh this is complicated, ur girl is being distant... try see what her interest lately. could be any moive night buy her snack. maybe ask what she want to do? is it hard when u try to talk with her, and she disagree with something?

[lilac cargo]

When i noticed her being distant i have been asking if she wanted to watch a movie and chill together, when ive had a day of work ive asked if she wanted to go out and do some shopping and stuff. She would say yeah we could but when the time came she changed her mind and wanted to play games and stay up watching movies with the other guy (I will add that once or twice it isnt just them two alone). I have asked her why our plans get thrown out but her and the other guys never do and she said she doesnt know or she says sorry

[neon meadow]

eh she prefer with the other guy

[lilac cargo]

I will also add I have been trying to join and play games she wants too as well

[lilac cargo]

I know that she definitly does but i dont want to blow things up if its a case of new friends getting close and it will even out

I am a people pleaser as well so its hard to know when i can feel this is too much and when i can say something

[neon meadow]

one cus this is insane, u suggest to goes out together, she agrees but at the last moment she forgot. bro💔 is she even ur gf anymore?

[still ether]

Yeah like wtf at this point you’re just roommates

[lilac cargo]

At the moment it doesnt seem like it, we are currently on a break but we live together and our pc's are in the same room as our bed so ive been staying in bed while she is on discord

[neon meadow]

i see why, u got to stop be a people pleaser. it is bad when people don't take u seriously...

[lilac cargo]

I am working on it, I just care too much about other people and how i make them feel

[neon meadow]

just talk to each other normally, if it dosent getting anywhere.. well i cant help u anymore. it also on her too, it her relationship she should fix it too, if you going to be the doing all that. it byebye. worse u guy live together

[lilac cargo]

It is a tricky situation as well since we have gotten a new house and she hasnt got anywhere to go if we do split up, I think we talked about if we did split up we would try and be room mates

[lilac cargo]

Yeah i have been thinking more of breaking up if this week doesnt improve since she would talk to me after the week to see how she is feeling

[still ether]

So basically she just stays because of the house without the house she would be gone

[lilac cargo]

Thats what i belive but when i asked her she said it wasnt that so it just confuses me more

[still ether]

No shit or else she will get kicked out

[neon meadow]

have u ever tried to talk with other girl to make her jealousy? cus why can she talk to that guy and u cant not. if she doesn't care that mean KO. (ik it a red flag but it wouldnt hurt testing her a bit)

[neon meadow]

it not easy man, 2 people love each so much that live together yk that complicate

[still ether]

Yes she loves him very much that she’ll even continue talking to that guy and use some fake ass break excuse

Ngl very comfortable living like thag

[lilac cargo]

I have thought about doing something like that just to see, I have noticed she will ask who is messaging me when its one of my friends and asking why im typing alot (I have been writing notes in my phone to keep myself right and its alot of paragraphs)

[neon meadow]

ur dead honest gng

[still ether]

Idk am I onto something or on something

[lilac cargo]

When i have talked to her about it she did ask if i wanted her to stop talking to him but after i said its fine to talk to him just dont let it interfere with our relationship, she said if i mention them two being together again then im being controlling and that would mean we should break up

[neon meadow]

well it not enough

[neon meadow]

u might be..

[still ether]

Well it’s def an issue

[neon meadow]

she dose not have the right to say it

[still ether]

Don’t just say it’s fine

[lilac cargo]

Problem is i dont talk to alot of girls just because i know it can be a problem in a relationship so any friendships ive had i have just nuked

[still ether]

So 1st answer or second

[neon meadow]

1st

[neon meadow]

real

[still ether]

Well now you can talk to whatever girl you want if she does the same thing

[lilac cargo]

I did think that is abit of a big thing to say

[still ether]

She does sound like putting pressure all on you

[keen bridge]

If you guys have been together for 4 years then I assume you guys have talked to each others about boundaries and what you don't want. I also saw you've tried talking to her and she's practically blowing you off. You're both old enough to know what she's doing and she's very well aware of her actions. As much as I don't want to say it, but she is technically emotionally cheating on you. If you continue to try to talk with her, try to bring up your boundaries again and it doesn't work, then I suggest that maybe so far the relationship is past beyond saving.

[lilac cargo]

I do think it is really selfish to do and it probs is her defelcting a guilt she has about it

[neon meadow]

i used to have a relationship with a girl, am lesbian btw. we part way on good term, she dont mind me talk to anyone. since she know am too extrovert. but ur girl here think ur too controlling, and keep talking to another dude, even she know it hurt ur feeling.

[keen bridge]

She is very much trying to protect her relationship with him, and is ultimately disrespecting you in your face right now

I'm 99% sure from what you've said and told everyone, you already knows it's not right, but since you've been with her for so long you're trying to mend what's left

You're second guessing yourself now

[lilac cargo]

She does know its hurting my feelings and says she is sorry but wont try to help or change what she is doing to hurt my feelings

[still ether]

You already see for what it is

[neon meadow]

he try to fix a doom relationship

[keen bridge]

If she doesn't care to actually try to pick herself up and fix her relationship then yeah it is

[lilac cargo]

I do really want to mend it but i am feeling it is beyond saving, like i said i will see what happens this week and if nothing changes as hard as it is i may try and end things

[neon meadow]

like a sorry fix anything, gng let her turn to fix the relationship

[keen bridge]

Has she ever said that you guys should break up during arguments before?

Or is this the first time

[lilac cargo]

At the start she said she may have BPD and when we argued she thoight it was for the best to break up but that hasnt happened in 3 years and seems completly different to those times

[keen bridge]

And you guys have talked about it and fixed those problems correct?

[neon meadow]

red flag

[keen bridge]

No, she's mentally unstable

Not completely her fault

[lilac cargo]

Yeah we did fix those problems but she said that was mainly her trying to sabotage the relationship in her head but after said she did love me and wants to be together, I forgot to mention we are engaged and planned stuff for the wedding which makes me even more confused

[neon meadow]

oh this is deep

[lilac cargo]

She has mentioned being with me has helped her BPD and some problems she has had mentally

[lilac cargo]

Yeah which is why my head is all over the place, im glad i found this dicord to talk to people about it

[keen bridge]

So let me ask you something, and I'm sure you already know the answer. You've recognized changes in her behaviors after she started talking to that new guy, and before she has always tried fix things after arguments, and if she cared enough she's always put her efforts into changing just for you because she love you. So, recently things have changed, she no longer defends you, blows you off when you talk to her about your boundaries and what you don't like. And suddenly, she says that maybe you guys should break up after 3 years of not saying things like that

I think that's a huge sign

The best thing I would suggest you to do now is genuinely sit her down and tell her how it's affecting you, and what she's been doing has been hurting you, and if the fact that she's hurting you doesn't make her want to change, that means she doesn't care for the relationship anymore

Even if you guys are engaged and have already started planning for a wedding, it doesn't validate the fact that you have to sit and watch her play girlfriend and boyfriend with someone else when she's already in a relationship with you

[neon meadow]

she always wanting a break i think it complicate for him to talk with her.

[lilac cargo]

Yeah but when she said break up this time it was just a break, we still can't go with anyone and after the break we should be back together, The main changes ive seen in her are distance and lack of talking and doing stuff together. She has tried to put my mind at ease by saying that they are close because both of them can talk about problems they both have in life with eachother but she will be very weird with her phone like tilting away and making excuses to leave the room for it (saying its because the other guy is talking about his problems and doesnt want to show me the messages) ( she hasnt really had a problem telling me things people have told her in cobfodence because i dont use it or tell anyone else

[keen bridge]

You already know what you want, don't you? And the one thing you don't want is to keep this pattern, as much as it hurts, I think you should just come up to a decision for yourself

[lilac cargo]

Yeah i think i have been looking for excuses or someone to even say maybe its for the best we split, i know this is something that only i can come up with, I think my fear about breaking up and still having to live together is incase she was wanting to be with him and i would have to be a third wheel in my own house (It is in both our names aswell)

[keen bridge]

If you don't want to stay, perhaps staying with a relative or a friend for a couple of days, at least until your thoughts are clear and you are able to collect yourself enough to come back to clear things

[neon meadow]

you'll have to face the fear, dont wait untill it at the breaking point. be clear withe her

[lilac cargo]

I have a distant relationship with my family and wouldnt be able to stay with anyone

[keen bridge]

What about friends?

[lilac cargo]

I only have a couple of friends that can't really have me staying since they work away and have partners and atuff

[still ether]

Did you pay for the house or was it 50%

[lilac cargo]

I am trying to get more frinds as well even online ones just to hang out with so im not relying on my partner for my social needs

[still ether]

Might aswell rent it to someone and have a appartment

[keen bridge]

This seems tough, personally if it gets too much and I can't stay with anyone, I'd just be out until night time where I'd come back and just go to sleep in a separate room, or just try to ignore them

[neon meadow]

ur on to smt gng

[keen bridge]

Yes but this takes time

[still ether]

I’m just saying long term

[lilac cargo]

Sorry i forgot to say we are renting the new house and we had to have her mam as a gurantor since her credit score wasnt the best

[neon meadow]

that could work too

[still ether]

Do you have a contract that says you have to pay for one year or can you leave anytime

[lilac cargo]

Yeah i have had trouble sleeping in another bed, not sure why and for going out until night i live in a small town with not much to do. I live in the uk and the only places open are pubs and nightclubs (Uk and our drinking problems 😂)

[lilac cargo]

It is a year contract we have to pay until the year is up

[burnt ocean]

Short
Not waifu material.
Initiate eject protocol.

[neon meadow]

dam, well just that sounds really exhausting honestly. again just talk thing out with her okay? am going to sleep, i hope thing work out between u guy. if not my dm is open.

[lilac cargo]

I shouldnt laugh about the situation but that cracked me up😂

[burnt ocean]

Come on man , you really see that girl and see a wife?

[lilac cargo]

Okay, thank you for talking it really helps, goodnight

[lilac cargo]

I really did for 4 years until this started and when she says she wants to still get married it does make me second guess myself

But i still think i give myself false hope

[burnt ocean]

No no we don't marry women who are too interested in men other than us.

And this goes both ways
We (women) do not marry men who are too interested in women other than us.

So not husband material

[lilac cargo]

Thats what i should think, I just keep getting told it is controlling if im not happy she is giving another guy attention

[burnt ocean]

Again
Initiate eject protocol

[lilac cargo]

Yeah which is why i tend not to get female friends so i dont come across as someone that would prefer another women to her

[burnt ocean]

Arey , this world .
Seen everything .

Reverse the roles and now you are acting chummy with a girl and they will scream skirt chaser

What's wrong for a man is wrong for a woman
And what's wrong for a woman is wrong for a man.

Same goes for right

[lilac cargo]

Exactly, I think i am going to focus on getting friends to discord with or real life friends so im not waiting to see what she says or feels after the break is up

[burnt ocean]

I am telling you
I have seen this movie multiple times.

Its called

Mission Impossible : Eject Protocol.

It has many sequels.

Rest is your choice.

[lilac cargo]

I will, thank you, If something happens good or bad i will message in here just incase anyone wants to know or if it helps them in a similar postion