A
#A Voyage Of Self-Improvement
worthy haven
Hello,
This was edit to give anyone reading this some more info about what this journal contains. I am not intending people to find this journal entertaing. I am just using it to help keep me accountable, braindump my throughs, and track my progress. I will talk about Nofab but I will not say any bad words.
I’m have been really unproductive lately and am trying journaling out in the hopes that it will help me.
Some info:
- I have a very low level of self discipline
- I need to catch up in school!!
- I’m new to discord and social media
- I don’t like to say bad words
- I try my best to be kind and respectful to everyone
- I’m very cautious
- I would like to not get DMs unless it is for a good and professional reason.
- I’m very selective on who I allow friends request from.
- I don’t like scary stuff. But I sometimes find scary stuff interesting if it has a real significance.
Ex : Horror Movies ❌ vs learning about human cruelty ✅ - I’m a billion light years away from being a nerd but I would love to be one some day
- I don’t like romance unless it sweet and is based on true love
worthy haven
A Voyage In the Sea of Life and a My Mind
worthy haven
. -Key:-
Accountability: ⚠️
- ✅:Complete
- ❌: Failed
- 👨⚖️: Self assigned punishment
- J-1: break, give away, throw away.
- J-2:
- 🥳 : reward
- 👮♂️: restrictions
- ⌚: post new task no later than ___ (start writing 3 min b/4)
- 🦆: exceptions
- E-1: I have to go somewhere or do something
- E-2:
🌄 goal for the entire day 🌄
🐣 3 Things I am Greatful For🐣
wins:
⚔️: something challenging that did
🧠: times when I thought acted logically in the storm and typhoon baseless desires and weakness
🌻# -#: Day ___ without (M1) and day without (M2)
💭: Braindump/writing out my raw thoughts
Melancholy 1 (M1): Some thing I have been strugging with for a long time
Melancholy 2 (M2 ): A worse thing I am struggling with. It almost always happens if I do M1.
M1 & M2 have and always wreaked havoc on my life. When I do them I always feel so "melancholy", hense the lable.
Talons(T): The desires to do M1 & M2. Mental pointy talons that hold on to me and prevent me from having clear thoughs.
Areas for growth:
❌: mistake I made
🌱: lesson in learned
🦬 :Fun Ticket
if anyone like this idea or key, feel free to apply it for your tracker
worthy haven
⚠️ Complete anaotation 1,2, and 3 by 7:00:warning: ✅
👨⚖️: Break one of my wireless earbuds
🥳: gold fish
👮♂️no other hw, don’t eat snacks
Exception: I have to go somewhere (orders by some one)
Remember: I want to end the year off strong!!!
worthy haven
To be honest technically I completed my goal but I had hoped that I could have finished the citation as well. Nevertheless I consider it a win and my earbuds have been saved!!! I got so much work done!! I’m happy!!
worthy haven
Template
⚠️⚠️
- 👨⚖️:
- 🥳 :
- 👮♂️:
- 🦆:
worthy haven
⚠️Nap for Only 60min⚠️ ❌
- 👨⚖️: my favorite pencil gets broken ✅
- 🥳 : 1/4 of a gum sticks
- 👮♂️: first thing I open is my computer and I must set up everything for work before in check my phone again
- 🦆: I can reset the alarm if in get disturb by something
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⚠️prep for studying by 6:00⚠️ ✅
- 👨⚖️: throw or give away my bottle of juice
- 🥳 : 1/4 of gum
- 👮♂️: must be post new task b/4 6:10
- 🦆: I have to go somewhere or do something
I'm feeling really bad about my self. Man I need to get cuaght up in my studies!!
⚠️ Complete all of the 2nd source annotations and citations by 6:30⚠️❌
- 👨⚖️: throw or give away my bottle of juice✅
- 🥳 : one muffen❌
- 👮♂️: must post new task and finish my muffen by 6:40
- 🦆:I have to go somewhere or do something
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⚠️complete anotaion 1 by 6:55⚠️✅
- 👨⚖️: throw/ give away my lemondade ❌
- 🥳 : one muffin✅ YESSS!!!
- 👮♂️: must work until that time
- 🦆:I have to go somewhere or do something
worthy haven
⚠️citation 1 by 7:23⚠️✅
- 👨⚖️: none
- 🥳 : 10 min lie down
- 👮♂️: post new task by 7:30
- 🦆:I have to go s/w or do s/t
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⚠️ fix primary 1 and check primarys 8:07 ✅Edited (I removed anoations 2 bc I want to make it a separte task due to how it need be completed)⚠️
- 👨⚖️: throw/ give away my lemondaid ❌ Im so happy I don't have to do this!!
- 🥳 : snacks ✅ Hip Hip Hooray!!!!
- 👮♂️: must work the entire time
- 🦆: I have to go s/w or do s/t
worthy haven
⚠️25 min nap⚠️❌
- 👨⚖️: throw/give away my lemonaid✅ NOOOOOOO!!
- 🥳 : none
- 👮♂️: when up: do routine and I allow myself to play music, must post new task and post bed time for today. I must write s/t to motivate me
- 🦆: can resit if disturbed
worthy haven
⚠️Anoation 2 and citation done by3:00⚠️✅
- 👨⚖️: none
- 🥳 : Treat✅ Yes!!
- 👮♂️: must post new task by 3:20
- 🦆:have to go s/w or do s/t
worthy haven
⚠️pilar one by 4:00⚠️ ✅
- 👨⚖️: none
- 🥳 : one beverage
- 👮♂️: post new task by 4:10
- 🦆: have to go s/w or do s/t
worthy haven
⚠️math hw D4 (I will post the end time and start it after a five min break)⚠️ I will start it now but that 5min break turned into a 20min (☹️)
- 👨⚖️: none
- 🥳 : one 15 min max span learning video
- 👮♂️: post new task by that is about the essay!! ❌Only I can only start listening to music once I complete 5 problems
- 🦆: have to go s/w or do s/t
worthy haven
⚠️ Finish all math in school⚠️
- 👨⚖️: no drink
- 🥳 :
- 👮♂️:
- 🦆: have no time in lunch
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⚠️prep 10 min⚠️ ✅
- 👨⚖️: if I pass 10 min my wireless earbugs will be completely distroyed
- 🥳 : 10 min nap & treat
- 👮♂️: none
- 🦆: have to go s/w or do s/t
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⚠️brainstorm until 7:00:warning: ✅
- 👨⚖️: none
- 🥳 : treat
- 👮♂️:
- 🦆: have to go s/w or do s/t
worthy haven
A Voyage Of Selfimprovement
A Voyage Of Self-improvement
A Voyage Of Self-Improvement
worthy haven
I have an essay due!!! There is no way I can finish it on time!!! But I something is better than nothing!! I am going to write like my life depends on it!!!!!!
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!!! I have so so so so little done for my essay!!!! Oh no no no !!! It is the end of the word!!
I guese Im destin to a life of poverty and lowleyness !!
How did I ....!! Why did I let this happen!!!
Im going crazy!!
worthy haven
Im doomed!!
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⚠️ work from when I get back from “work” until 7:00 no naps where T>10min⚠️
- 👨⚖️: break my wireless earbuds
- 🥳 : none
- 👮♂️: must join the meet
- 🦆: C-1
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⚠️prep until 6:00⚠️
- 👨⚖️:J-GT: 2 stick of gum
- 🥳 : sticks of gum
- 👮♂️:
- clothes
- laptop , tabs(D, cal, mail, cam ),
- folder, inbox, todo…ect in planing position. Open to right page
- post new task by 6:10
- 🦆:E-1
worthy haven
⚠️do mindfulness 10 min and don't eat gum until done⚠️
- 👨⚖️: No gum
- 🥳 : none
- 👮♂️: none
- 🦆: E-1
⚠️15-20 min nap⚠️
- 👨⚖️:broken earbud for wireless
- 🥳 : music
- 👮♂️: must post by 7:00
- 🦆: E-1
worthy haven
⚠️30-1 h min nap⚠️
- 👨⚖️:broken earbud for wireless if pass it
- 🥳 : music
- 👮♂️: must post by 7:30
- 🦆: E-1
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⚠️prep until for 15 min ⚠️
- 👨⚖️:J-GT: 2 stick of gum
- 🥳 : music : R
- 👮♂️:
- clothes
- laptop , tabs(D, cal, mail, cam ),
- folder, inbox, todo…ect in planing position. Open to right page
- bed make
- YT lock
- send photo to email
- post new task & mind fullness
- 🦆:E-1
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⚠️mindfulness 5 min , select Badge photo⚠️
- 👨⚖️: J-GT: 2 stick gum
- 🥳 : peanuts
- 👮♂️: new task posted by no latter than 2:55
- 🦆: have to go s/w or do s/t✅
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⚠️brainstorm until fill out planner by 3:28 ⚠️ ❌
- 👨⚖️: J-GT: 2 stick gums✅
- 🥳 : none
- 👮♂️: new task poste by 3:32
- 🦆: have to go s/w or do s/t
worthy haven
⚠️Planner & papers by 3:46 ⚠️ ❌
- 👨⚖️: J-GT: 2 stick gums✅ NO!!! that is 4 total
- 🥳 : none
- 👮♂️: new task poste by 3:56
- 🦆: have to go s/w or do s/t
I am extremaly behind.!!!!!!!!
⚠️transfer to do list, email, calendar by 4:10 ⚠️
- 👨⚖️: J-GT: 2 stick gums
- 🥳 : none
- 👮♂️: new task poste by 4:20
- 🦆: have to go s/w or do s/t
⚠️ 5 min ,essay brainstorm by untill 4:47 ⚠️
- 👨⚖️: J-GT: 2 stick gums
- 🥳 : none
- 👮♂️: new task poste by 5:00
- 🦆: have to go s/w or do s/t
worthy haven
Sometime I feel like I can't get my self to do anything. I will do what I have to do ....... I must !
I have to remember that this world is terrifing.
My body want to escape from this stress but that is exactly what got me into this mess.
worthy haven
⚠️ work on nt 1 and2 for 10 min ⚠️
- 👨⚖️: none
- 🥳 : 5 min break
- 👮♂️: new task poste by 5:11
- 🦆: have to go s/w or do s/t
Suffering is my new norm!!
Studying is dying!!
I must keep pushing on!
⚠️ outline for 30 min⚠️
- 👨⚖️: none
- 🥳 : none
- 👮♂️: new task poste by 5:50
- 🦆: have to go s/w or do s/t
worthy haven
I feel like I should take a break but I won't. That is just weakness speaking. There are many people who work much much much much harder than me.
⚠️1-2 Nt 10 min⚠️
- 👨⚖️: J-GT: 2 stick gums
- 🥳 : none
- 👮♂️: new task poste by 6:08
- 🦆: have to go s/w or do s/t
worthy haven
⚠️ 5 min walking, finish skills and experiences 3 main points by 6:40⚠️
- 👨⚖️: J-GT: 2 stick gums
- 🥳 : none
- 👮♂️: new task poste by 6:50
- 🦆: have to go s/w or do s/t
I don't want to do this!! But, I know that other feel the same but still manage to do their work!!
I want to flee from this discomfort but I know I should not!!
One step at a time ... One step... Each step, Im becoming stronger.
See it wasn't that bad. You just overthink stuff and underestimate your ablities!
⚠️work on NT until 6:50 ⚠️
- 👨⚖️: J-GT: 2 stick gums
- 🥳 : work with music !
- 👮♂️: on desk
- 🦆:E-1
worthy haven
Wow. I have not been this productive in a long time!! This really show that I don't know my limits!!
Now my body is telling me that I shouldn't work becuase I just came back from a meal. That crazy, I can waste my time on with a full tummy but can't work on an essay with one? I think I shouldn't care about the rick of burning out from over working my self. If I do burn out again that will happen after the end or near the end of the school year
worthy haven
⚠️point for the bodies, intro, and conclusion for 30 min ⚠️
- 👨⚖️: J-GT: 2 stick gums
- 🥳 : 5 min walking with one music (raven)
- 👮♂️: new task poste by 9:00
- 🦆: have to go s/w or do s/t
I'm tired but I will continue to push my self!
I feel so stresses but that is a sign that i should work harder!!
worthy haven
I'm so unbelievably "cook"!!! I will fight!!
⚠️ finish outline by 1:20⚠️
- 👨⚖️: J-GT: 2 stick gums
- 🥳 : soda
- 👮♂️: new task poste by 1:30, no music
- 🦆: have to go s/w or do s/t
worthy haven
I will fight!
⚠️work on Nt for 10 min ⚠️
- 👨⚖️: J-GT: 2 stick gums
- 🥳 : none
- 👮♂️: new task poste by 1:45. Music is allowed
- 🦆: have to go s/w or do s/t
5 min walk then post at 1:50
⚠️finish at least 1/2 of intro 2:30⚠️
- 👨⚖️: J-GT: 2 stick gums
- 🥳 : 5 min walk
- 👮♂️: new task poste by . No Music
- 🦆: have to go s/w or do s/t
worthy haven
I am once again tired but if I think logically about it, I know it is just a mirage. If I just force my self to work It will go away or dissipate. Even if it is true exhaustion, I have so much work I need to do.
⚠️clear out folder and prep until 5:12 ⚠️
- 👨⚖️: J-GT: 2 stick gums
- 🥳 : none
- 👮♂️: new task poste by 5:17. Music is allowed
- 🦆: have to go s/w or do s/t
⚠️Finish question by 5:40⚠️
- 👨⚖️: J-GT: 2 stick gums
- 🥳 : Snack 1
- 👮♂️: new task poste by 5:50
- 🦆: have to go s/w or do s/t
I will make it. I wont let lazness pull me back down!. pain is weakness leaving the body!!!
worthy haven
Ok may be this is actual exhaustion. So I'm going to take a nap for NO longer than 20 Min. It makes sense because I was pretty much up all night working.
I got some work done, even though I was very tired . That is a win in my book!!
worthy haven
I over slept and then procasinated!!!
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⚠️Mindulness for 10 min ⚠️
- 👨⚖️: J-GT: 2 stick gums
- 🥳 : caminar para cinco minitos
- 👮♂️: new task poste by 11:15
- 🦆: have to go s/w or do s/t
worthy haven
⚠️Prep con musica until 11:38⚠️
- 👨⚖️: J-GT: 2 stick gums
- 🥳 : none
- 👮♂️: new task poste by 11:40
- 🦆: have to go s/w or do s/t
I got this I have to rember that I can do it!
Work hard!!
I have to stop trying to flee my challenges. I must see them as an opportunity for growth.
I seek discomfort
I should I must
I should not care about how I feel
⚠️Finish question 1 by 12:10⚠️
- 👨⚖️: none
- 🥳 : rest for 5 min
- 👮♂️: new task poste by 12:15
- 🦆: have to go s/w or do s/t
worthy haven
I need to lie down for 5 min
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Im so stressed out but that is ok. Im growing. I getting better each day. I shouldn't compare my self to other.
I should compare myself with my past self.
⚠️Finish question 1 part A by 1:00⚠️
- 👨⚖️: none
- 🥳 : none
- 👮♂️: new task poste by 1:10
- 🦆: have to go s/w or do s/t
worthy haven
⚠️Finish question 2 part A by 1:10⚠️
- 👨⚖️: none
- 🥳 : none
- 👮♂️: new task poste by 1:15
- 🦆: have to go s/w or do s/t
⚠️Finish question 2 part b by 1:16⚠️
- 👨⚖️: none
- 🥳 : none
- 👮♂️: new task poste by 1:20
- 🦆: have to go s/w or do s/t
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I’m once again am going to be embarrassed in school.
I struggle so much with writing and reading. However since, I’m talking advance level classes I’m expecting to be very good at those skills.
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I’m extremely stressed out!!!!! Nothing is going as planned!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can’t even get myself do what I want it to do!!! I’m currently in school. Others probably think I’m having a fun text chat. They have no clue what I’m going through under my mask of being fine.
Just have to do it and hope for the best!
worthy haven
⚠️prep by 5:45⚠️
- 👨⚖️: none
- 🥳 : snack 1
- 👮♂️: new task poste by 5:50
- 🦆: have to go s/w or do s/t
⚠️Idenify for 5 min⚠️
- 👨⚖️: none
- 🥳 : none
- 👮♂️: new task poste by 6:03
- 🦆: have to go s/w or do s/t
⚠️Finish 2C by 6:20⚠️
- 👨⚖️: none
- 🥳 : snack 2
- 👮♂️: new task posted by 6:30
- 🦆: have to go s/w or do s/t
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⚠️Fallacy one by 6:50⚠️
- 👨⚖️: none
- 🥳 : walk 5 min
- 👮♂️: new task posted no latter than 9:30!!
- 🦆: have to go s/w or do s/t
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🌄If I by some miricle I get caught up class X before class tomorrow I will allow my self to binge watch the videos below on sunday without any shame🌄
- 🥳 : Rctest flights,rc life on, project air, and practical engineering!!!!!!
⚠️Fallacy 2 by 9:40⚠️
- 👨⚖️: none
- 🥳 : 🎧 while doing s/t for 10 min!!
- 👮♂️: new task poste by 9:50
- 🦆: have to go s/w or do s/t
The feeling of pain is normal. It is a sign that I need to improve. The false feeling of good that distractions provide is bad becuase it making you feel like you don't need to change when you actually do. I can do hard things!!!
worthy haven
I prohibit myself from taking naps for more than 10 min at a time. If I am going to to sleep I will sleep.Im not going to take a nap and then wake up the next day becuase I kept "naping for just 5 more minutes". Now I will lie down for five min
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⚠️Fallacy 3 by 10:30⚠️ ✅✅ 10 min early again !!
- 👨⚖️: none
- 🥳 : walk 5 min
- 👮♂️: new task posted by 10:40
- 🦆: have to go s/w or do s/t
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lie down ten min
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watch one spanish learning video that is no longer than 15 min to feel more awake
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watch one spanish learning video that is no longer than 15 min to feel more awak...
Yay I feel much more awake now.
⚠️Explaination one by 11:33⚠️ ✅✅ done 5 min early !!
- 👨⚖️: none
- 🥳 : juice box
- 👮♂️: new task posted no latter than 11:40!!
- 🦆: have to go s/w or do s/t
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⚠️explaination 2 by 12:00⚠️ ✅ 9min early !
- 👨⚖️: none
- 🥳 : walk 5 min
- 👮♂️: new task posted by12:10
- 🦆: have to go s/w or do s/t
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⚠️intro by 4:00⚠️
- 👨⚖️: none
- 🥳 : walk 5 min
- 👮♂️: new task posted by 4:10
- 🦆: have to go s/w or do s/t
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Almost cuaght up!!!
At least in class X (falling behind here cuased me to also fall behind in other classes)
⚠️9 part 4 A by 4:25⚠️
- 👨⚖️: none
- 🥳 : walk 5 min
- 👮♂️: new task posted by 4:33
- 🦆: have to go s/w or do s/t
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⚠️9 part 4 A by 4:33⚠️
- 👨⚖️: none
- 🥳 : walk 5 min
- 👮♂️: new task posted by 4:43
- 🦆: have to go s/w or do s/t
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Take short break by watching spanish learning video that is no more than 15 min
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I did it!!!!!! I'm so happy !!! I must not fall behind again. I can't wait to watch those videos and more! I allow my self to spend no more than an hour straight watching those videos. 
⚠️prep by 6:35⚠️
- 👨⚖️: none
- 🥳 : treat 1
- 👮♂️: new task posted by 6:40
- 🦆: have to go s/w or do s/t
Im feeling tiredness an my is try to convince me to go "easy on my self". That is not self care that is self sabotage. My body feel discomfort becuase I need to change. I need to grow
⚠️Finish anotations by 7:10⚠️
- 👨⚖️: none
- 🥳 : walk 5 min
- 👮♂️: none
- 🦆: have to go s/w or do s/t
worthy haven
⚠️spanish learning vid max of 15 min plus class video⚠️
- 👨⚖️: none
- 🥳 : walk 5 min
- 👮♂️: none
- 🦆: have to go s/w or do s/t
worthy haven
⚠️prep by 6:45⚠️
- 👨⚖️: none
- 🥳 : treat 1
- 👮♂️: new task posted by 6:53- 🦆: have to go s/w or do s/t
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🦬: watch spanish story or life skill vidoe less than 15 min to feel more awake
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I had a really unproductive morning. But self condemnation is not good. The only good part is that I did learn about some eye opening topics.
⚠️prep by 5:10⚠️
- 👨⚖️: none
- 🥳 : 🎧 while doing easy hw
- 👮♂️: post task by 5:20
- 🦆: have to go s/w or do s/t
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. -Key:-
Accountability: ⚠️
- ✅:Complete
- ...
Im replying to move it further up in the journal
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I feel angry for a mixture of different reasons. I know I shouldn’t but …. I have no excuse.
-This too shall pass-
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Had a rather bad + unproductive morning. My mental state is not good. In my heart, there is nothing I crave more than complete control over my mind!!! But what the point of wanting something I don't and will propably never have. Society, wants people to believe that we can get anything we want if we put in the work but that is not true and sometimes the amount of work required is unreasonable.
Family issues are driving me crazy.
worthy haven
⚠️Mindfulness for 5 min, write out thoughts on paper for 10+ min⚠️ ✅
- 👨⚖️: none
- 🥳 : 🎧 for only one song
- 👮♂️:
- ⌚: 4:00❌
- 🦆: E1
Self pep talk: Remember you are not your actions nor are you your feelings. Your biological desires want the best for you but they are not well adapted for this modern world. This mental discomfort you are feeling is good you are getting stronger. Don't avoid it but face it and attempt o fix the underlining issue. No shame. When your logical part of your brain seems absent, remember to have Faith in the lesson you learned in the past. ex: you keep telling yourself that something is better than nothing , but when the time arises you get tricked by the numerouse excuses your mind is so good at coming up with. "you already messed up, so what the point of trying now","you will never be as proactive and productive as you were before so why try"..... All this is false but when you try to "logic your way out" these negative thought you fail becuase your mind is flooded with emotions. Just have faith in the lesson in those mentally challenging times and do the dee thinking only once you can think clearly.
worthy haven
For tranparently reason and so I can openily talk about it throughtout this journal: I struggle with nofab.
⚠️Mindfulless 5 min, (if needed, only one 🎧),prep 10 min ⚠️
- 👨⚖️: none
- 🥳 : 🎧 for only one song
- 👮♂️: No naping, not even for 5 min bc you need to actualy witness that tiredness is an illusion sometimes. I know your brain is comming up with exuses but one day or two of not listening it won't hurt.
- ⌚:
- 🦆: E1
worthy haven
⚠️rountine⚠️
- 👨⚖️: none
- 🥳 : listen to one song shame free
- 👮♂️:
- ⌚: 2:00
- 🦆: E1
worthy haven
⚠️prep⚠️
- 👨⚖️: none
- 🥳 : listen to one song shame free
- 👮♂️:
- ⌚:
- 🦆: E1
worthy haven
⚠️School day cal⚠️ ✅
- 👨⚖️: none
- 🥳 : walk 5 min
- 👮♂️:
- ⌚: 6:11❌
- 🦆: E1
worthy haven
⚠️transfer plans to app⚠️ ❌
- 👨⚖️: none
- 🥳 : listen to one song shame free
- 👮♂️:
- ⌚: 6:55 post what I will do after I come back at ~ 9:00pm✅
- 🦆: E1
⚠️finish the transfer⚠️
- 👨⚖️: none
- 🥳 : listen to one song shame free
- 👮♂️:
- ⌚: 9:30
- 🦆: E1
worthy haven
Had a relatively productive day!! I'm grateful for making it past 2 days of nofab, having the opportunity to build a boat for an afterschool activity, and having not lost hope in myself.
Todo: sleep for 4h and 50 min,follow my routine, make short todo list before I head off to school, fill in the data for school A, and start the HW from math.
worthy haven
I messed up 5 min ago. I feel shame but I have to be honest with my self. It was going to happen eventually anyways. I got to stop telling my self that I will be able to get clean within a year. I will probaly continue to struggle for many years. It is sad and very frustrating. But who am I !!!!! Who am I to feel like I deserved to have not introduced to this mental illness at a young age and to have been hooked on for this long??? See!!! That is my big hidden ego speaking. There are many people who have it much worse than I do. Why don't I feel as intense of sadness for them!!
Time to think:
I have to acknowldge that I will mess up again. I shouldn't be feel divistaed each time I fail.
I have to see todays mess up as oppertunity to practice and experiment on ways to get back up when I fall short.
ok, what is working ? Um, this !!! I feel much better now! Ok, how can I feel more better? Maybe, I sould lie down for 5 min and give my eyes some time away from staring at a screen. Then I can go to the nofab discord server and give someone some words of encuagragement. Afterwords, I will listen to some "study music" and go back to work as if nothing happened.
worthy haven
I feel so much better now!
vagrant garnet
Just wanted to say I’ve been following along, and it seems like you’re doing great. 👏♥️ Love how organized this is.
(I can delete this if you like to keep this empty)
worthy haven
Just wanted to say I’ve been following along, and it seems like you’re doing gre...
Thank you so much for the support!!!!!!!!! As you can clearly see in the journal, I’m not doing well in life and am still figuring things out. The fact that you took some time out of your life to help me is very heartwarming and shows that you are truly a good person. When compared to other journals here, my journal is very boring so it is clear that you have been following along because you truly wanted to help, not because you found my journal useful or entertaining. I greatly appreciate that.
Do Not delete your response. You are more than welcome to write in my journal!!
I wish the best for your life!!!
vagrant garnet
Thank you so much for the support!!!!!!!!! As you can clearly see in the journal...
Thank you for this ♥️
Late reply, but when I saw this last night it made my night and part of my day today.
I wish you the very best too.
Your journal is very inspiring and interesting to me! Full of a lot of mindfulness and awareness that I admire truly.
worthy haven
⚠️prep by 8:20⚠️
- 👨⚖️: none
- 🥳 : Know Art new video on how stone pumps work
- 👮♂️:
- ⌚: 9:30
- 🦆: E1
worthy haven
New symbol 💭: Braindump/writing my raw thoughts (might be confusing or seem illogical)
worthy haven
💭: I should probably think less about making the right and most efficient decision becuase those are often the things that I find most difficult. May be I should always make my self do something, even if it is just slightly productive becuase that will give me momentum to then eventually tackle on the harder tasks. Doing this will prevent me from wasting to much time trying to force my self do the tasks I dread the most.
Ok, how can I do this right now? Um, the hard task that I should be doing is my rough draft, lab report, gratitude essay, and reading all the files for the schools. Ok, now what are the task that I would enjoy doing ? Um, Math, Spanish work, emailing out the invitations, physics problems, and class 1 work.
- Perfection is the enemy of Good-
⚠️Invitations, Spanish, training day plan by 700am⚠️
- 👨⚖️: none
- 🥳 : The Hydrostatic Paradox vid
- 👮♂️:
- ⌚:
- 🦆: E1
worthy haven
Had a long and fun day at trainning.
⚠️Transfer all the training notes to the refrence book by 710pm⚠️ ❌
- 👨⚖️: J-1 my favorite blue pen✅
- 🥳 : 1 stick of gum
- 👮♂️: can only listen to basic lofi after 6:47pm
- ⌚: 7:20
- 🦆: E1
worthy haven
💭 I got good amount of work done but I still have a lot more that I need to do. But what should I do ? There are to many task that I feel are important and urgent. No, I will not waste my time nor my mental clarity trying pick the best task to take on. No, no there are too many factors for my tiny brain to proccess. I have to remind my self that perfection is the enemy of good. I just have to do something not the best thing Ok, well here we go.
⚠️school data from for 30 min⚠️
- 👨⚖️: none
- 🥳 : lie down for 5 min and then walk for 5 min
- 👮♂️: Only basic lofi "study" music allowed
- ⌚:
- 🦆: E1
worthy haven
💭 Got a good amount of work done. I think I will allow my self to take a short nap for 30 min. I have been awake since 4:50am(16h)
worthy haven
💭Unproductive day. I will post a task no later than 3:30am
worthy haven
⚠️Identify and priotize by 6:10⚠️
- 👨⚖️:J-1 apple juice
- 🥳 : treat 1
- 👮♂️: must post new task on time to avoid punishment and get reward
- ⌚: 6:15
- 🦆: E1
⚠️artcle 1 and 2 on the legend of St. George by 6:30pm⚠️
- 👨⚖️: j-1 apple juice
- 🥳 : Ttreat 2
- 👮♂️: must post new task on time
- ⌚: 6:35pm
- 🦆: E1
worthy haven
⚠️Intro revison by 7:00⚠️
- 👨⚖️: none
- 🥳 :none
- 👮♂️:
- ⌚:
- 🦆: E1
worthy haven
⚠️post new task when I come back from "work" at 9:20⚠️
- 👨⚖️: j-1 apple juice
- 🥳 : treat 3
- 👮♂️:
- ⌚:
- 🦆: E1
worthy haven
worthy haven
⚠️data 1/5 by 6:20⚠️
- 👨⚖️: j-1 apple juice
- 🥳 : basic study music for 10 min
- 👮♂️: no music
- ⌚: 6:30
- 🦆: E1
worthy haven
⚠️data 2/5 by 6:40⚠️
- 👨⚖️: j-1 apple juice
- 🥳 : basic study music for 10 min
- 👮♂️: no music
- ⌚: 6:50
- 🦆: E1
worthy haven
⚠️data 3/5 by 7:45⚠️
- 👨⚖️: j-1 apple juice
- 🥳 : none
- 👮♂️: no music
- ⌚: 8:00
- 🦆: E1
💭 This school year is by far the most stressful one I have ever had. It is ok. This too shall pass.
🐣 my dream school's webpage designers did s good job at making their school website interface work logically and smoothly🐣 💭Im so so soo stressed out.
surreal ledge
Heyy you're doing great!! Don't get demotivated by the other people's work and please stop comparing. You're moving at your own pace. Pls try your best to not stress yourself. keep going n goodluck 🍀
worthy haven
. -Key:-
Accountability: ⚠️
- ✅:Complete
- ...
I am replying to move this post (the key) up in the journal.
worthy haven
Heyy you're doing great!! Don't get demotivated by the other people's work and p...
Thank you! I wish the best for you and your life !!!
💭Wow, I got a relatively large amount of work done. Must have been the immense levels of stress I was feeling. Now I have to have talk to my parent about the cost of going to my dream school. I'm grateful that the school, although it is expensive, gave me a relatively large amount of merit and need based aide. This price is still expensive with the aid but I hope my parent can afford it. i will find out today once one of them wakes ups.
🐣 My team is making good progress on making the boat for my afterschool activity, my family is still together, I have no major bad health condition 🐣
vagrant garnet
I am replying to move this post (the key) up in the journal.
Ahh, I was wondering what “🐣” was for.
I’m hoping for a less stressful day for you tomorrow. Sounds like you managed to handle it ok despite anxiety. Great job for that. 👏 ♥️
worthy haven
💭 I just had the conversation with my parents. They can afford for me to go to my dream school!!!! I'm so so so happy!!! The bad new is that I will have to there and back. I have to do this becuase the cost of housing and meal is way beyond what my family can afford. I have been to the school for a summer camp and the drive there in the summer with my parents professional driving skills took around an hour. Can't image how long the drive would be in the winter during the academic year.
worthy haven
⚠️confirmation letter 6:10⚠️
- 👨⚖️: none
- 🥳 : treat
- 👮♂️: no music
- ⌚: 620
- 🦆: E1
worthy haven
⚠️Essay feed back revision for person A 6:50 ⚠️
- 👨⚖️: j-1 one earbud (wired)
- 🥳 : my earbuds live another day
- 👮♂️: no music
- ⌚:
- 🦆: E1
worthy haven
💭 Feel more whole today. Must have beem becuase I didn't consume any youtubenvideos besides one song this morning, the stress from yesterday, not doing certain things, and the joy of being able to attend the school I wanted. I have a feeling that next year is going to be 10 times harder than this year becuase I will be in a new school, will be taking harder classes, will have to be out of home from 6:00am -6:00pm (I can't afford to live on campus), continue to take care someone......ect.
🐣 Since I am going to school A next year I will be able to access the school's A fantanistic fabrication lab, I feel better, I have the ablity to continue my education🐣
worthy haven
⚠️Essay feed back revision for person B 10:30 ⚠️
- 👨⚖️:
- 🥳 :
- 👮♂️: no music
- ⌚: 10:40
- 🦆: E1
worthy haven
💭 My goal be at least as productive as I was the past two days. The end of the school year is just around the corner. I have to push through. I think I was productive those two days becuase I didn't watch any YT videos on my personal devices. I will do the same today as well. Not even study music. That is just distraction desgised as a good study tool. If I am loosing focus I will do s/t else, write, mindfulness, or rest. The missing out on the enjoyment of youtube is far better than the embarisement of not doing well in school.
⚠️Prep 6:10 ⚠️
- 👨⚖️:
- 🥳 : 5 min clean my room
- 👮♂️: no music
- ⌚: 6:20
- 🦆: E1
worthy haven
⚠️pronunciation 6:25⚠️
- 👨⚖️:
- 🥳 :
- 👮♂️: no music
- ⌚: 6:30
- 🦆: E1
worthy haven
⚠️Transfer and lable 7:00⚠️
- 👨⚖️:
- 🥳 :
- 👮♂️: no music
- ⌚:
- 🦆: E1
worthy haven
💭relativly productive so far
⚠️Demand vs suppy side econ paper 7:25⚠️
- 👨⚖️:
- 🥳 :
- 👮♂️: no music
- ⌚: 7:35
- 🦆: E1
worthy haven
🐣Had a wonderful day at school, the weather is great, I am thinking more clearly 🐣
worthy haven
💭Today was my first and probably last day using instagram. I hate instagram!! I will rant about it tomorrow!
I need to sleep it is late at night.
worthy haven
💭 I changed my mind, I don't want to rant about it. It was just a shock and an eye opening experience. I will take some notes on upon this new realization becuase it might make for an interesting essay topic. I have a new found love for discord. This app is not very distracting and a great tool for studying, exploring interests, building social skill.....ect. I'm so glad it was the first form of active social media I was introduced to (not including youtube and gmail). I thought I was missing out on alot of my childhood for not being on social media. I will never open Instagram again and never create a snapchat, TikTok, Facebook, twitter...ect account.
Looks like I did a mini rant even though I said I wouldn't
worthy haven
⚠️Clean 12:10⚠️
- 👨⚖️:
- 🥳 :
- 👮♂️: no music
- ⌚: 12:20
- 🦆: E1
worthy haven
⚠️Calendar 12:25⚠️
- 👨⚖️:
- 🥳 :
- 👮♂️: no music
- ⌚: 12:30
- 🦆: E1
worthy haven
⚠️contact list 3:20⚠️
- 👨⚖️:
- 🥳 :
- 👮♂️: no music
- ⌚: 3:27
- 🦆: E1
worthy haven
I keep underestimating the amount of time I need to do stuff. Or maybe I'm working slowly.
worthy haven
🐣Boat construction is right on schedual, was relativly productive, I didn't watch any Youtube vidoes on my personal devices🐣
⚠️Work on final draft until 5: 50⚠️ ✅
- 👨⚖️:
- 🥳 :
- 👮♂️: no music
- ⌚: 6:00 🦆
- 🦆: E1
worthy haven
⚠️Contact email draft work on for 10 min⚠️ ✅
- 👨⚖️:
- 🥳 :
- 👮♂️: no music
- ⌚: 6:32❌
- 🦆: E1
worthy haven
⚠️Focus completely on Task X for 10 min ⚠️
- 👨⚖️:
- 🥳 :
- 👮♂️: No electronics, must incorporate some mindulness, next task is calendar.
- ⌚:
- 🦆: E1
💭I have been thinking clearly these past 3 days!!! I have hope now!!! To maintain this I will tryt o continue to try to consume less youtube vidoes and music, espeiclly on my own devices. I think vidoes are way to stimulating for me.
So far I have watched a total of 2 vidoes (not shorts) . They were not educational but I ussally watch more than that. I think I spent at most 20 min total on youtube today. This is one step towards growth.
worthy haven
⚠️calendar 7:40⚠️
- 👨⚖️:
- 🥳 :
- 👮♂️: no music
- ⌚: 7:50
- 🦆: E1
worthy haven
💭Almost done creating a detailed game plan to finish this school year off strong. I have so much work to do in so little time. I still have hope though.
worthy haven
💭 I have been relatively so productive today!!!! I drafted a lot of emails, worked with my team on the boat, made a detailed plan, worked on my paper...ect. Also, I am doing relatively great mentally. Today was a wonderful gift
worthy haven
Apparently you can post pictures on journals. I thought that wasn’t possible. They must have allowed recently. This photo is just to test it out. This is a photo of the inside of a camera that I opened a couple of months ago. I love opening things up to see how they work.
worthy haven
⚠️essay by 4:40⚠️
- 👨⚖️:
- 🥳 :
- 👮♂️: no music
- ⌚: 4:50
- 🦆: E1
worthy haven
💭 I'm still a fair bit behind but I am making more progress than before. Today was another relatively productive day, another gift . I did watch 4 youtube videos but they were purely educational (how to tie and untie a tie, dress shoes 101, and when should I tuck in my shirt).
Time is running out. I have to keep fighting
worthy haven
worthy haven
💭 I messed up last night and this morning but I will not let that failure sabotage my day and my mental clearity. I want…No, I need today to be another gift of productivity. The school year is coming to an end. I can’t waste my time,energy, and future anymore. Also, this is another opportunity to practice quickly getting back up after a failure.
🌄to not watch any yt videos or listen to music. I will only listen to noise that is not from yt. If I do watch any video I will list them here🌄
worthy haven
💭 still productive, another gift.
⚠️prep by 6:45⚠️
- 👨⚖️:
- 🥳 :
- 👮♂️: no music
- ⌚: 6:50
- 🦆: E1
worthy haven
⚠️Catagorize by 7:00⚠️
- 👨⚖️:
- 🥳 :
- 👮♂️: no music
- ⌚:
- 🦆: E1
worthy haven
💭 Just made a category 1 error. Its ok but I have to remember that a mistake repeated multiple times is a decision. Yesterday I made a category 2 error. When another wave returns I will try my best to not make any error but if I do it will only be a C1 . A C2 is way to destructive. I just have to have unbreaking trust in the lesson I have learned at those times.
worthy haven
I don't want to call it "category " 1 or 2 (C1 /C2). It doesn't fit the mood. Instead I will call it Melancholy 1 (M1) and Melancholy (M 2). M2 always hapens when I do M1 .
worthy haven
. -Key:-
Accountability: ⚠️
- ✅:Complete
- ...
I am replying to move this post (the key) up in the journal.
💭💭~30 min ago I was so close to doing M1. By some mericle I didn't. I did do M1 this moring and M2 yesterday. That is the reason I am in a state of melancholy. Although, I ruined my moring , I still have a chance to recover the rest of the day.
Maybe I just need to rest. I have yawned like 5 times while writing this.
10 min nap/lie down then at 6:20 I will post a task.
⚠️Test 1 ⚠️
- 👨⚖️:
- 🥳 :
- 👮♂️: no music
- ⌚:
- 🦆: E1
worthy haven
🐣I got discord, I have recovered the rest of the day (I have been relativly productive), I have mostly wonderful people in my life🐣
⚠️Prep 8:35⚠️
- 👨⚖️:
- 🥳 :
- 👮♂️: no music
- ⌚: 8:45
- 🦆: E1
worthy haven
💭 I love math but my math teacher speeds through her lessons as if she trying to beat a world record... Why am I complaing?? Why am I judging?? I have far worse flaws than her!! I should adapt.
worthy haven
💭T is creeping into my thoughts. I should distract my self. T always tries to trick me into believing that doing it would not be harmful but I know it is . I have to flee now. T was grip over my mind is tightening. What should I flee to? Um, maybe I should clean the paper in the corner of my room.
💭Unfortunately, I did do M1. T was very intense. But I'm grateful I didn't do M2.
worthy haven
So stressed out about school!!! I hope I don't do M1 tomorrow.
🐣I had a wonderful time at a certain formal event, the bow for the boat my team is creating is a good shape, we have enough rowers for the boat race!!!🐣
⚠️Prep by 10:30 the by 10:40 have plan 1⚠️
- 👨⚖️:
- 🥳 :
- 👮♂️:
- ⌚:
- 🦆: E1
worthy haven
💭Soo Soo stressed out!! Quite frankly, I don't know how I would be able to live (litterly) if I don't get my grades to the point i want them. I have to fight!!!! The blood, sweat, screems, and tears that I put into my school work will make the victory at the end of the school year all the sweeter!!!!!!!!! I will fight. I must fight.
worthy haven
⚠️Revise Paper until 5:40 ⚠️
- 👨⚖️:
- 🥳 :
- 👮♂️: no music
- ⌚:
- 🦆: E1
worthy haven
⚠️prep 5:22⚠️
- 👨⚖️:
- 🥳 :
- 👮♂️: no music
- ⌚:
- 🦆: E1
⚠️Revise 5:40⚠️
- 👨⚖️:
- 🥳 : 5 min walk+ HW for class 3 for 10 min
- 👮♂️: no music
- ⌚:
- 🦆: E1
worthy haven
💭 Im so so so so so so so so so so so stressed out....I will fight though. I know I can't run away from this stress because If I do it will only allow it to build and be more powerful latter. I can't waite until the end of the school year!!!!!!!!!
💭I I have to remember "what doesn't kill me makes me stronger" This stress is just a here to make me strong enough to handle even greater levels of stress in the future. If I don't get stronger those stronger feelings of stress might put and end to me. I should be greatful.
worthy haven
The stress feels like it is cooking me brain. I should take a 10 min nap/lie down.
worthy haven
⚠️Read doc one by 9:00⚠️
- 👨⚖️:
- 🥳 : treat
- 👮♂️: no music
- ⌚:
- 🦆: E1
worthy haven
I can't stop stressing!!! May be I need to catch up on sleep. this past few day I have been getting ~6 h of sleep. I don't use any product like coffee or an energy drink to stay awake. I
worthy haven
This school year is a living nightmare!!!!!. It could have been much worse. I should be grateful and persist. I should use all the time and energy I got.
worthy haven
💭The grip of T is tightening. Yesterday I did M1 twice. At least I didn't do M2. Yesterday I told myself I won't do M1 today becuase M1, although it is much better than M2, is still bad. I was about to do it a few minutes ago but I remembered that I NEVER truly want to do M1 or M2!!!! I hate it with a deep passion!!! Its just my biological side "taking over" my mind.
If I don't do M1 I may feel terrible in the moment but I will feel a deeper satisfaction. This will help me with the stress about school.
Im so happy i got discord. Now I have a place where I feel motivated to express my thoughts!!!!!
worthy haven
I don't know what to do. I need to survive this school year but M1 and M2 are continuing to reck havoc on my life !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. I had a good couple of days this week but M1 never seems to leave me. It has stuck with me for many years and I'm fairly young. It has taken my childhood away from me!!!
Oh, how selfish of me!!! I'm only sad becuase I'm not free but how about the millions of people all around the world who are in my situation or even worse !! Why doesn't my heart break for them !!!!! Oh, My ego!!!. It is huge !!!. Maybe I should be grateful to be in this prison of thorns. It is here to teach me that the people who I think are lowly are not lowly they are just overpowerd by evil. Like me, I believe my heart has always been for good but to others I would look like the most lowly person ever to breath on earth.
It here to tear my heart and my mind so it can heal and make me stronger and more compassionate. When people around me poke fun at addicts, I pretend to laugh with them just fit in a have a smooth interaction but inwardly I cry. I cry becuase I know how it feels. I cry becuase I know how terrible it is.
What should I do!!!!! I can't stop and think. I have no time to waste. school is getting so stressful. I know.... I must keep living..... I want a better, more comforting, more hopeful answer!!! - This too shall pass- Man! I say that all the time!!! When will this torture end!!!! This is not a life !!! No one knows how much I am in pain. My parent, my peers, and my teachers only see this illusion of being fine. Stop!!! Look you are focusing on your self again!!! Have compassion to those in your situation!!
It nice having a place to express my emotion. I love discord!!!!!!!❤️ 
I love discord💖!!!!
worthy haven
😭 today is a terible day !!!
😭😩😭
Listening to one of my favorit songs, "Evo-Devo (Despacito Biology Parody) | A Capella Science" to make my self feel better.
worthy haven
My team made great progess on the boat today!!!!!!!! I was techically the only team member working on it today but my instructor/coach helped me worked on it. All we need to do is test it!!!! I hope that there is no leak. A leak will make us way behind schedual. I need to think of a team name before the "maden voyage".
This day had a great start. Now I need to make sure I don't do M1 and especially M2. If I do M2.... I don't know.... It might break me. My heart, my hope, my life, my dreams..... Well if you Know its that deadly why do you continue to do it ? Um, it is an addiction. When T tightens its grip over my mind, the logical side of me vanishes. Then, all I can think of is M. It is the closest thing to mind control that I can think of.
Ok, what can I do to jump start my day.
- quickly do what i planed to do yesterday
- clean my room
- get my clothes cleaned
- update my planner
- do some body care/maitness
- continue with what have had already planned on my planner
⚠️Listen to one song then clean my room for 15 min⚠️
- 👨⚖️:
- 🥳 :
- 👮♂️: no music or electronics while cleaning
- ⌚:
- 🦆: E1
worthy haven
⚠️same as before⚠️
worthy haven
I feel much better!! I still have same brain fog (probably bc I haven't had enough sleep this week) so I'm going take a 30 min nap. Then I will do prep for 30 - 50 min , catagorize, essay for a while , and reading and taking notes off essay 3.
I will try to not watch YT videos or listen to music. I will allow my self to listen to any music if I am using it as a last resort when I'm fleeing from the grip of T.
worthy haven
⚠️prep by 3:30⚠️
- 👨⚖️:
- 🥳 :
- 👮♂️: no music
- ⌚:
- 🦆: E1
worthy haven
⚠️Essay set up + write 3:50⚠️
- 👨⚖️:
- 🥳 :
- 👮♂️: no music
- ⌚:
- 🦆: E1
worthy haven
💭 I'm making good progress and I feel much better!!
worthy haven
I don't know what I should do for mothers day. If I had my own money and lived on my own I could give her a special gift and writer her a card.
worthy haven
💭I'm so stressed out but inside my heart a small little flame still burns. It burns becuase I didn't do M1/M2. I must keep fighting. In one hand I must swing and slash at the challenges from school and at the other I must do the same to T. The comforting thing is that I am not alone in the battle. There are others else where doing the same and there are others who are unknowily helping me with mines.
worthy haven
🥳Yes!!! I didn’t do M yesterday!
worthy haven
🌻1-1
worthy haven
💭The talons (T ) are, once again, beginning to tighten their grip over my mind. I could just give in and “just” do M1 to make T losen its grip, but that is just a short term solution. If I do that, it will come back stronger after a couple of hours. I need to resist.
Ok, how will I resist? YouTube? No, it will actually make it harder to resist. How about math homework while listening to music. Yay, the music will make it harder for me to fully focus on math but it will help me resist
worthy haven
💭My mood is a wild roller coaster. I just want this school year to end!!!!!
worthy haven
💭 I have to acept reality.... This school year is and will continue to be torture and there is nothing I can do to stop that. I can only make it more barable by working extremly hard now instead of letting things pile up. I also have to acept that I MUST make some major sacrifices. I must sacrice the mask of being fine in school. I must do what is best for me. Instead of not using me phone for the entire bus ( out of repect for my peers) I will not use it for the first 10 min then after that I will pull it out and use it to study and do work. Is should also not care if I will come off as being disrespectful I tell my friends that I am too busy and don't want to talk. What else can I sacrifice..... Ok, lets start from when I wake up....Yes, I should remove the snooze option from my alarm..... Done!! I also changed my alarm wall paper and sound. What else... When I eat breakfast I will only watch vidoes on school topics and I won't use YT shorts.
I have to go. When I come back I will continue this when I am feeling stressed out again.
worthy haven
I'm going mad but I must continue.
💭 May be I need to actually cry. Cry with tears from my eye. I don't know... I don't know....
If I some how make it past this school year I will focus on my reading and writing skills and get rid of my T form my life like my life depends on it.
😭
austere sandal
Hi!
worthy haven
Hi,
austere sandal
I hope you do!
worthy haven
Thank you!
austere sandal
worthy haven
Thanks for the support. Im just stressing out about everything.
austere sandal
I feel you
worthy haven
How is life going for you?
austere sandal
Not amazing but talking here has been making my mood a bit better
looking at all the different situations
How about you
worthy haven
Im not doing great. As you can see in my past post.
Do you want to talk about your situation? I would be willing to do that.
austere sandal
Yeah I see. Hopefully it could get better
I could
Though its just about relationships and stuff
worthy haven
I haven't been in a relationship yet but I am sure it would be really stressful.
It is hard enough for one to manage ones self, nevertheless another person who they want to be with for the rest their life
How far are you in the relationship? Past mariage?
austere sandal
It is hard enough for one to manage ones self, nevertheless another person who t...
Yeah
we are broken up
I'd say its my fault
worthy haven
If any thing I say makes you unconfortable please let me know. Also assume that everything I say is said in a kind tone.
Why do you think it is your fault?
austere sandal
I wasn't honest about something, I eventually told him but I crossed that boundary, it was multiple times, he gave me second chances and asked me if I had anything else, and I said no, I was too scared. I told him a few weeks afterwards and we broke up.
We talked it out I told him everything I could because I felt really bad for him
he eventually asked for distance so I couldn't say no I just said okay
worthy haven
Do you believe you always had good intentions in the relationship? If yes, than that is great! Don't beat your self up about it.
austere sandal
I thought so, without my lies
I feel really guilty
and he just won't stop blaming himself and kept saying sorry one day when we talked a little
it just pains me
I don't want him to
worthy haven
Did you break up recently? Maybe you just need to waite a few days or weeks until the strong emotions subside. Then you can have a conversation with him.
austere sandal
It was 3 weeks ago
worthy haven
Have a conversation with him inperson. May be send him a letter asking him if he would be willing to have a long honest conversation at a place that is sigincant to both of you.
My ideas might be silly. I am just trying my best to help .
austere sandal
I thought about it but it was big, and I didn't wanna talk if he wanted to stop talking
worthy haven
Yay that is a good point.
austere sandal
We can't be anything more than friends but his idea of friends was different than mine
worthy haven
Was this his first relationship?
austere sandal
No
I don’t know much about his others, we were really close friends before he asked me out
I do know two of his
because before we were together he was in a relationship and told me about it
worthy haven
We can't be anything more than friends but his idea of friends was different tha...
From a young guys pov I think it is really difficult for boys and girls to be close friend without them devolping feelings. If you set some solid guidlines for the relationship upfront them maybe you can be friend with him again. Maybe create list of the guidlines and email them to him. He might also want to just be friend again but doesn't know if you will like to
austere sandal
I could try maybe, he did say i could ask questions and i could reach out.
worthy haven
Before I get my first girlfriend. Im thinking about making a long document that contains the guidlines of the relationship and make her have a copy of it. This way when she is ever unsure how I will react to somthing she would just check the doc. Also, this will make it clear that I am thinking about someday marring her, not a short term relationship.
Im still young so this might sound like a crazy idea.
Maybe you can do something like that but just for a close friendship with him.
Did both of you make it clear that you wanted to marry each other someday?
austere sandal
No
austere sandal
Before I get my first girlfriend. Im thinking about making a long document that...
I can see that
its just he gave me a confusing message when he asked
i was unsure to ask because i was caught up in the situation
And whenever we talked (5 days ago) he came to say sorry
I feel like he was really blaming himself because when he asked me how i was feeling, he just replied I understand a lot and he usually never does.
worthy haven
No
Maybe, the relationship was based on lust not love. Im not trying to be rude.
We are living creatures so it is natural for us to mistake lust for love. The main reason I am thinking of making that long doc is to to prevent my future girlfriend I and from making that mistake.
worthy haven
I feel like he was really blaming himself because when he asked me how i was fee...
Society is making it easy to make that mistake. In social media, movies, ads, and TV shows people are depicted as having long lasting healthy relationships that orginated from thinking each other looks cute but that is just a lie.
@austere sandal Im so so sorry if I am making you feel worse.
austere sandal
I wouldn’t think about forever forever just yet, i am still a teenager
austere sandal
<@1213925667859730494> Im so so sorry if I am making you feel worse.
Its okay i just needed to vent
thank you
worthy haven
did you finish your eduction? if no, what level you in? Highschool, or college?
worthy haven
Oh, that makes sense.
I thought I was talking with an adult. Don't worry about it. In middle school and even elementary school people have relationships all the time.
austere sandal
Yeah sorry about that I should’ve clarified that🥲
worthy haven
You should focus on you schooling. I might sould like a boring older bother when I say that.
What do you want to be ?
Try your best to not worry about the relationship.
You are still very young
austere sandal
I am pretty focused I’d say, I don’t know yet its a lot of different things you could be
worthy haven
What country are you in?
austere sandal
America
worthy haven
I don't like to give to much of my personal info on line but I am in North America and am 20yrs old plus or minus 7 years
waite a minute, based on you age Im guessing you havent learned about uncertanty ranges yet so I will translate my age to I'm somewhere between 13yrs old to 27yrs old.
You will learn uncertanty ranges in physics or chemistry class
worthy haven
I am pretty focused I’d say, I don’t know yet its a lot of different things you ...
List one thing you think you would be a good career for you.
Im going to become an engineer.
worthy haven
@austere sandal I'm sorry for taking the conversation off your break up. Honestly, I believe you should just go on with life not thinking about it. Remember that you are going to school to learn not get a grade. Social Media and relationship are just a waste of time. Especially at your age . Also, be VERY VERY VERY VERY mindful and careful of the content you consume online. I know I may be boring but if you need to talk about something just let me know on this journal. However, It might be more beneficial for you to talk to a girl who can give you "older sister" advice.
⚠️Task 1 by 2:30⚠️
- 👨⚖️:
- 🥳 :
- 👮♂️:
- ⌚: 2:35
- 🦆: E1
⚠️Outline Essay by 2:50 ⚠️
- 👨⚖️:
- 🥳 :
- 👮♂️: no music
- ⌚:
- 🦆: E1
💭 I just need to ignore my feeling and just do what it I must do. The hardest part is is said to be starting but I think that is only the 2nd hardest part. The #1 hardest part is to start over and over again when thing get very hard in the midst of the a task that seems impossible. That is easy to say but I must actually do it. Avoidence played a huge role in getting me into this mess. I must take on the challenges head on.
⚠️Outline Essay by 3:20 ⚠️
- 👨⚖️:
- 🥳 :
- 👮♂️: no music
- ⌚:
- 🦆: E1
⚠️No Discord until 4:00 ⚠️
- 👨⚖️:
- 🥳 : Soda
- 👮♂️: no music
- ⌚:
- 🦆: E1
austere sandal
<@1213925667859730494> I'm sorry for taking the conversation off your break up. ...
I can see that from your perspective, but it isn’t just a waste, we both had feelings and he made it clear that he still did. I’m not throwing my life out for online, I appreciate your help though!
worthy haven
💭 My emotions are telling me that today was a terrible day but when I think about it it was actually a ok day. I am really behind in a class and had originally planned to make a lot of progress on it today. I had a good time with my family and I didn't do M1 today. I'm so happy I didn't do M1 . I feel much better now and my mind feel more clear . I just need to make sure it stay that way while I work on my school work tonight.
I can't waite to test the boat this week!!!!!!! My team will race next week!!
worthy haven
⚠️Essay for 30 min, than plan for tomorrow for 10 min, essay 30 min ⚠️
- 👨⚖️:
- 🥳 : 2 sips of soda
- 👮♂️: no music
- ⌚:
- 🦆: E1
worthy haven
Last night just moments before I went to bed I did M1.
🌻0-2.
🌱When T comes back again I must remember that I 1000000000000% don’t want to do it and absolutely ignore any excuses that my mind may come up with. I must remember that my mind, whenever T has a grip over it, is not fully under my control. T will attempt to work in me by pretending to be my original thoughts.
worthy haven
💭Really productive day!!! I kind of have to be productive but Im still greatful that I am. I didn't do M1 today too!!!
worthy haven
💭 Im really tired. I just came back from "work". I wonder If I should push through the tiredness and work on my big paper or take a nap and hope that I wake up on time. Ever time I take a nap when I am extreemly tired I end up waking up wondering why I feel so rested just to look at the time an realize that I somehow woke up completed the math or writting practing (that my alarm makes me do ) and turned off all the back up alarms that I have set up. The funnly part is sometimes I do all of that so fast and in a sleepy state that I have no recolection of me doing that. Sometimes I wonder if my alarm just failed to ring.
🐣I get to test the boat this week!!!!, I have a fun topic for my paper, I have wonderful teachers 🐣
💭 I think I should take multiple short naps and work in between. By the end of this school year I think I am going to a partially diurnal and partially nocturnal creature.
worthy haven
💭 Well it turn out I can’t trust my phone to wake me up in the middle of the night. At least now I am well rested
🌻1-3
worthy haven
💭I must remember that- I am not my thoughts, for not all of my thoughts are truly from me. The desire to do M1 is not my desire but the desire of my body to survive and bring forth life. Yet, the body is slow to learn and adapt. It does not know, it just does. It does not know that the world has changed and that doing M1 repeatedly will bring more harm than good, it just does it. The part that is truly me knows, and can do action out of knowledge……. The irony of this I that I should be working on my essay but am procrastinating here.
worthy haven
Did M1 🙁
worthy haven
💭Can’t wait for the maiden voyage of my teams cheap little boat!! I’m so excited!! That is one thing I have been happily looking forward to this school year. I hope that there are no leaks.
💭 this app has so much untapped potential for improving myself. Once the school year end I may start using it to actively improve my writing skills.
worthy haven
💭 Have been realy productive today. It impressive what deadlines can do to me. When they are far into the furture, they stress me out so much that it hard to start. When they are just around the corner, I make me work so hard becuase my life is on the line.
Im so glad I didn't let the mess up I did this morning ruin my day.
⚠️I will only take 10 min naps today/tomorrow ⚠️
- 👨⚖️: I break both of my ear buds and post a photo for proof here
- 🥳 :
- 👮♂️: no music
- ⌚:
- 🦆: E1
worthy haven
💭 Im not sleep today. Hopefully I don't make any major mistakes tomorrow.
worthy haven
🌻0-4 !!! I hope I can have 1-5 by tomorrow!!
worthy haven
🌻1-5!!
💭The boat worked splendidly!!!!! I need to work on an important essay today!!
worthy haven
💭 I mess up yesterday( technically this morning before I went to sleep) but I won’t let that ruin my day. This is an opportunity to practice recovering fast from failures.
worthy haven
💭 Just came back from a very short VC. I think it was my 12th one in which i have actualy spoken. It still feel so weirded talking to complete strangers all over the world. I can hardly maintain a conversation inperson, nevertheless online.
worthy haven
I absolutely love Discord!!! 💖💖 I joined another VC and I had a conversation with a young guy from Lithuania!!! I love that I can talk with people all over the world!!!
💭 I have wasted a good protion of my day so far. Shall I give the rest of this gift of a day the same fate? No, of course not!! I shall put a halt to this and be productive. Well, I reckon I do something. Productity doesn't come by its self. Well, what should I do then? My room is quite messy. I should probably clean it. Then I will prep, and then I will plan out the route.
worthy haven
🐣Had a good time at an event, made it back alive after driving on the freeway by myself, I feel energized🐣
worthy haven
⚠️Room clean 4:40 ⚠️
- 👨⚖️:
- 🥳 :
- 👮♂️: no music
- ⌚:
- 🦆: E1
⚠️prep - 4:50⚠️
- 👨⚖️:
- 🥳 :
- 👮♂️: no music
- ⌚:
- 🦆: E1
⚠️Catagroize 5:00 ⚠️
- 👨⚖️:
- 🥳 :
- 👮♂️: no music
- ⌚:
- 🦆: E1
worthy haven
⚠️Cal by 5:30 ⚠️
- 👨⚖️:
- 🥳 : Soda
- 👮♂️: no music
- ⌚:
- 🦆: E1
worthy haven
⚠️Math by 8:20 ⚠️
- 👨⚖️:
- 🥳 :
- 👮♂️: no music
- ⌚:
- 🦆: E1
worthy haven
💭 I did M2 again . It is ok. I have to stop thinking each time a make a few day streak that I will never do it again. It is not good to rise my hopes up too high just to have them crash when I do it.
💭 Ignoring the fact that this is so evil and is recking my life and future, it is quite fasinating how much of a hold this has over my mind and body.
worthy haven
💭 New Day and another gift of life.
I really don't want to do M today nor do I want to be unproductive. How can I increase the odds of that not happening? Well, may be I should try to preserve my mental clarity. Mean I should reduce the amount of multitasking and the amount of entertainment content I consume. I should also do mindfulness exercise more frequently. In addition to my mental clarity, I should also try to preserve my momentum. As in, I should focus on doing something not doing the perfect thing at the perfect time. The former will allow me to a least get something done. In contrast, the latter will just stress me out and waste my time. Another, thing I should do is try my best to act through logic. I must also remember that my desires and thoughts will eventually pass, no matter how frequently or intensely they return. I just need to waite it out and/or take an action to reduce it. I should also remember that the discomfort that I feel is a good sign. The stronger winds, the stronger tree. The stronger I become the better my life will be and more good doors will be aviable to me. Rather than focusing on how a feel, I should focus on how the "why". The underlying "Why" is that I want to be a better person. Lastly, I should remember that I can't do everything. Every thing I do take from my ability to do something else. Before I do something, I should pause and think. Is it worth it? Is it worth putting my time, energy, and resources in to this rather than something else. To sum up the key point of this mental brain dump/stream of though, I must must preserve my mental clarity and momentum, remember that to focus on doing something rather than nothing, remember to not focus on how I feel, make my self think about the "why", and cost of my actions.
worthy haven
Todo:
- Transfer downloads and docs
- Presentation
worthy haven
💭 Today was an good day. I got a good amount of work done, and most importantly I didn't do M. Currently, I am not thinking clearly. I think my brain is just over stimulated. Next school year is going to be much harder than this one. So rather than wish I can think more clearly, I should be grateful for an opportunity to practice handling this now rather than latter. What would the ideal version of myself do right now? Well, he would ignor his feeling and act through logic. Ok, what is the logical thing to do? Well, the school year ends very very soon so I should priotize my schooling. I believe that I need a break from looking at a screen. May be I should quickly finalize the draft an email and the list regading an upcoming race. Then I will take a break from looking at a screen prepare my race gear and complete some paper homework. Then If I still have brainfog I will do some mindfulness exercises. Then will return to the heavy school work.
Writing this has helped me feel better.
worthy haven
🌻 1-1!!!
worthy haven
💭 T has come back once again to torment me. What shall I do ? Shall I give in or shall I resist? I obviosity must resist. I must endure the discomfort. I should be greatful for this opertunity to exercise my mind and improve my mental strength. The goal is not to stop doing M. It is to become a better person. The better version of my self won't do M becuase it is not good. He also won't let his feeling guide him.
worthy haven
Did M1
worthy haven
I did M2. I feel so so so helpless. May be I am too far gone.
I feel like I should cry but I am so disiponted and hopeless that I can't . My heart hurts
worthy haven
💭 I need to rant. No, I want to rant. I NEED control over my mind.
I watched a video that talks about the evil that I am struggling with and it said I shouldn't focus on keeping a streak. Instead I should focus on the present. I must think: "I won't do M now" not "I won't do M anymore". The video claims that I should stop thinking about perminatly breaking free from this . I should take it one day at a time.
I will follow that advice. I will start to use 🌻 to indicate if i didn't do M that day . I will no longer keep track of how many days.
I will start to use ⚔️ and 🧠 too to indicate stuff.
The new symbol 📈 will indicate something I will do that will be a step towards growth and becoming the person I want to be. If I place a ✅ that means I actually did it. The opposite is true if I place an ❌ .
📈 Go to bed
worthy haven
Did M1 but I am not angry at my self
worthy haven
💭 The end of the school year is so near. I can't waite !!. Yet so are many deadline and tests.The deadlines terrify me. I have an upcoming presentaion for a class and I am kind of nervous. I plan to complete my slideshow by today and practce both today and tomorrow.
worthy haven
🐣The boat race was awesome and we won!!, I am caught up in all but two classes, and got enough sleep 🐣
worthy haven
⚠️Presention till 6:46 ⚠️
- 👨⚖️:
- 🥳 :
- 👮♂️: No music
- ⌚:
- 🦆: E1
worthy haven
💭The presentation was ok. I think I spoke way to quickly and went over the time limit. Atleast I don't have to worry about it anymore. Now my bigest stresser is my lab report. If I, by some miricle, complete the lab report before I go to bed, I will be very very happy. That will most likely not happen. --Hope for the best, but expect the worse--
worthy haven
💭 I got the lab report done !!. Now I have to complete the other one before the end of the day tomorrow.
worthy haven
💭 I am well past my bed time. Why? Um, I guese I was just binge watching some long form content on youtube. Should I be mad at my self. No!! I now very well it could have gone much much worse. This is like the best case scinario. I didn't watch any shorts and didn't let T get a hold over my mind. In contrast, I watched some a couple of longer videos on topic I genuinely love. Today I got a good amount of work done as well.
Nevertheless, I know I should probably go to bed. I still have a lot of work to do later.
📈 Go to bed
worthy haven
💭The end has finally arrived!!! 🥳🥳🎉🎇. Now hopefully I will have a few days to truly take a break from the hamster wheel of school.
worthy haven
💭 The end. The end has come. I am happy that I have a break from tests and school work but I am also sad. Sad becuase I will never be able to relive that past era of my life again. I won't be able to see those who have done so much to shift the trajectry of my life to where it is now. A trajectory that is more hopeful. When I write my farewell letters, I feel a flood of deep emotions. Emotions that feel as if they have been secretyly building inside my heart just to erumpt at this point in my life. The main emotion is greatfulness. Greatfulness for those who have invested their time and enegry for not only my education but also my future. I will greatly miss them. And they will always have a place in my heart. I hope the best for them! 
😢 💖
worthy haven
💭 My parents are so close to finding out about M
I am scared
I don't know what to do.
M has ruined my life and now at a time I should be relaxed it is back to stress me out.
I just need time to think and calm my mind
The question is what will I do if they found out? Would I put an end to my self? No.... I will just have to deal with it and watch my future take a sharp turn downward. I know I am one of millions of people who are struggling with it . If put an end to my heart beat. I won't be able to help other people in my situation. I will live on, not for myself, but for those who have struggled with this. Those who have cried in the silence of their own room in the middle of the night. Those who inwardly cry when they hear society normalize this evil but also judge those who struggle with it. Those who wish they were free. Those who are like me....
If this had happned last year..... I would have......I wouldn't have been alive today. When I am free from my parents control over my life. I promise I will take big actions to help those in my situation. I want free people. Not shame people becuase socity is doing a good job at that already. I should be greatful. If I had not expericned this pain, I would have been like everyone else and wouldn't have had compassion to people in my situation.
worthy haven
💭 I have a desire to try to maintain a good image on this journal becuase there is a possibility that other will see it. Why do I care? After all, I started jounraling here becuase it is free place to express my thought. What is the point of trying to "good in the eyes of other here". I have to be true with my self here. I should not care how othere will think here. This is my free space. A place were my errors are pulled out to the light, examined, and then fixed. A place where the seed of growth are found and nurtured. My brain, oh my aren't you an expert at coming up with excuses. You advise me to not journal my true thought and struggles becuase it is not nice to always post depressing stuff. Brain, did you forget who this journal is for? Did you forget who is writing here? I am writing here for self improvement !!!!!! NOT, social stuff!!!!!!
💭Ok hopefully, I will write more freely.
I am a broken man that is lost in the think fog of life. There is so much I want to do and so much I could be........ I can hardly think straight. I reckon I take a quick nap. Man to day was a very unproductive day. Why can't I jusy have full control over my body. Why can't I do what I want to do ..... I got to go and rest before I go completly out of constrol. Life is intresting . Science is so so cool. The purpose of life and how one should life it a huge mistary
worthy haven
⚠️clothes by 3:35, bed 3:40, desk:3:48 ⚠️
- 👨⚖️:
- 🥳 : beverage
- 👮♂️: No electronics
- ⌚:
- 🦆: E1
worthy haven
⚠️No screen untill 4:40⚠️
- 👨⚖️:
- 🥳 :
- 👮♂️:
- ⌚:
- 🦆: E1