#Numbness during interactions

127 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

old venture
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For context I used to be a bad people pleaser because I grew up in an environment that taught me you must maintain relationships by being as non-threatening and accommodating as possible.

I recognise now that this causes issues and gives people the ick. And I don't really feel the need to reduce myself for anyone else anymore.

But in place of that I just feel really numb, empty and confused whenever I talk to people. I recognise that people don't like being used either but it's difficult for me to see people as anything more than what they can provide for me.
If someone has knowledge about something, I'll ask them directly about it. I was told to be authentic so since I don't feel anything I won't pretend to like them or want to engage any further than for what I need.
I think it's a good idea for my purposes and avoids making people feel used since I'm not being roundabout about it.

But the issue is that I don't feel anything. I'm supposed to be learning to make friends but no one wants to be friends with someone who doesn't care, and I don't enjoy non-productive interactions with people. I don't like maintaining connections.

minor seal
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I will address only 2 things

  • feeling numb or nothing
  • not wanting connections.

Rest everything is more or less stems from these 2 only.

Correct me if I am wrong anywhere.

  • You have been badly hurt by people in the past (this caused not wanting connections)
  • And you suppressed a lot (this caused feeling numb)

So , in this case , what you need to do is seek some genuinely emotionally available people. When you will be around them you will feel very emotionally safe.
This will lead to your emotions coming back bit by bit.
Also the warmth and comfort will make you feel that you want that connection which eventually will erase your problmes.

old venture
minor seal
# old venture hello, thank you very much for your response. It's very clean. How should I go...

That's the thing about genuinely emotionally available people.

The answer lies within the person who is finding them.

In your case , if you ever come across a person that genuinely makes you feel something , someone that you will feel connected to and therefore drawn towards to (in other words interested to know more)

That person is genuinely emotionally available. Rest anyone talking about empathy is just a screamaholic , screaming empathy with not much of it.

slate sonnet
old venture
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it's more like I don't want the connections I've been exposed to

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they're really boring, it feels like dragging a corpse through mud

old venture
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and the ones which aren't boring are purely functional. I like people who have good knowledge about a field but I only want to discuss things with them

barren plover
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i think you see connections as a transaction

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sometimes we really can't skip past small talk, maybe it is how you open up to others which gives people that reaction

barren plover
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do you tend to open up to others? or are you more of a listener?

slate sonnet
old venture
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I don't know what you mean by inferring where a conversation is going to go

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I lead it by asking very direct questions

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I need your help with XYZ

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it can be a science related question, philosophy, psychology, needing a contact for some other question they're better equipped to answer

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it's like how you'd imagine talking to an instructor about work?

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once I get my answer I'm done

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most of my conversations end within 5 messages

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see here's the problem

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I don't understand the need for opening up to someone who doesn't have the knowledge that I need from them regarding my situation

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like why would I tell someone what I struggle with if they're not trained in clinical psychology

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and what's the point of opening up to someone I barely know anyways

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and what's the point of listening to someone's struggles if they're not easy to work with

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I think all of these are not practical and not a good use of time

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and idk, maybe that's the issue

barren plover
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these points sound very nihilistic, but i hear you.

barren plover
barren plover
old venture
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I'm sorry but I really don't see where you're coming from at all

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you've had experiences that I haven't had and none of my experiences inform me in any way or form what you may be talking about when you say "enjoy the present"

old venture
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why would I bother to ask further about things I've got no interest in?

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if you're referring to asking more about the field

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I really don't see how a conversation can continue after I've gotten my answer

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I don't know what you may be an expert in but imagine someone going up to you and asking specifically about one thing in that thing

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it's super unnatural to proactively offer more information

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you wouldn't want to lengthen a conversation that doesn't have to be

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neither would the other person

barren plover
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well thats depends on who wants to continue the connection later on

old venture
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isn't it sufficient having your contact? if I need you for something similar I'll just reach out then

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there's no need to fake a connection

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or force one

barren plover
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thats what i meant to relax, not every answer needs to be answered now, we enjoy that process. but most of your questions relate to science and not of the other person

barren plover
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without knowing where a conversation leads to or guided one way

old venture
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I wouldn't say I've enjoyed it

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it's just awkward and boring

barren plover
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yesss it is awkward

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it is uncomfortable

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kind of ties into your people pleasing?

old venture
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what do you mean?

barren plover
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people like it when you ask them questions that they know

old venture
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what I'm getting is you want me to ask more about a person

barren plover
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it makes them feel good

old venture
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I'm not trying to make anyone feel good, I genuinely need an answer

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I'll send the same question to 3 people who I think have the answer

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I don't feel the need to make anyone feel good anymore

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it's less people pleasing so you stay, it's more I don't want you to hit me

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it's very primal

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I'd rather call it fawning

barren plover
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i see like a fawn response?

old venture
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yes

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I make myself feel small because I'm scared if I'm too intimidating someone will hit me

barren plover
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but can you agree that people feel good when asked on a subject they can proudly talk about?

old venture
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not really

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the people I ask are very pragmatic

barren plover
old venture
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I don't know how to describe it

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they're not emotional

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like a professor? who's very factual and detached

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like you ask me a question, I'll answer it because I have a duty to

barren plover
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hmmm ok

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maybe you are emotionally exhausted

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and that is okay

old venture
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I guess, or maybe it was never developed in the first place

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I read somewhere about how in cptsd trauma is you

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so if I grew up all this time primed for an attack I wouldn't have developed like

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an actual emotional circuitry or whatever that means

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if fear is all I've had then once that's gone there's nothing

barren plover
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sometimes we get so used to that feeling, we feel like nothing else is there

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yes you are right, you might have not experienced good emotions at all, you aren't used to it

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it is a defensive mechanism. When we close parts of ourselves from the world, or refuse to feel comfortable in uncomfortable situations, it is a shameful feeling

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i hear u and i understand it

old venture
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thanks

barren plover
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yes and if you need someone to talk to, i am here, i also deal with cptsd. There are times where I've closed myself off to my friends and go months without talking to anyone unless i need something. But, my friends understand it and it doesn't make me feel any indifferent to others. i asked the questions because i wanted to see where you were coming from. your feelings are normal, acknowledge that it makes you feel uncomfortable. i want you to know that you can find deep bonds with others as well, it takes time and a bit of risk

old venture
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it sounds terrible knowing other people actually have friends

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how do you even manage that

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and I don't understand why your friends would understand

barren plover
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when you find someone you want to know more about, you open parts of yourself up to them. there were times where i felt so much shame, i did not want to. but when you find someone who just radiates kindness, you want to stick close with them

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deep connections are not easy to build, both have to be vulnerable

old venture
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I don't know anyone who I'd consider kind

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I do have an unrelated question to ask

barren plover
old venture
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so I have an interview coming up but these few days I've been unable to do anything. So I'm completely unprepared and I don't know if I can get myself together in time for it

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I do have the option of rescheduling it, but I feel it may just lengthen my suffering

barren plover
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thats anxiety

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lol i get you i am the same but sometimes you just have to take the bite

old venture
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not really

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I guess it could be related to fear but like

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I just don't see a point to living

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so what's the point of going

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or preparing

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whatever

barren plover
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i think about that a lot

old venture
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I just need advice on whether I should reschedule it

barren plover
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sometimes people have a religion they follow, beliefs social standards

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if you need to

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go ahead it is your choice

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just try to give a good reason when they ask lol

old venture
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okay

barren plover
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do you have any hobbies? things that can keep your mind occupied?

old venture
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I have a lot but no motivation to do them

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I wanna lie down all day

barren plover
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it happens

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are you studying in college?

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sometimes its nice to sit with other people, at a library, cafe, lunch

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someone advised me to sit in a train or a bus and observe other people. it makes you feel more alive

old venture
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I get pissed off by the noises people make

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sorry lost cause

barren plover
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lol how about music?

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it is very weird but there were times where i had asked myself why i was still here. i feel like can never get the answer to that