Hi every1. Hope y'll r doing great. I have an exam on 6th April n another one on the 11th. I can't maintain a journal now so I'm putting my life/day/feelings everything here. Another reason why I'll be posting about my day or my daily goals here is bcz the feeling of someone watching me/my progress scares n motivates me at the same time n maybe I'll feel heard or seen online.
#Mew's daily dump
feral helm
26TH MARCH
Heyy dear diary!! My day started at 1pm tdy as I woke up super late cz i slept at 4am ts morning. I had to sleep alone last night n mistakenly watched a horror scene from a movie so I couldn't sleep. Called my brother n was on call w him. He fell asleep mid convo so I had to sleep too. I woke up. My mom was sick but by the time i woke up she had done all the house chores so I had nothing to help her with (except for brooming the floor which I didn't notice it wasn't done by mom) she was sleeping till evening so I had some peace till then but it wasn't really a good day. I checked whatsapp but didn't feel like talking to anyone. I opened discord idk for what reason. I haven't replied to the recent texts yet. I feel so tired of everyone. Moving on w the day i sat down w my books after having breakfast at 2pm bcz I haven't been liking the food mom's been making nowadays so js had some fruit. I opened books n yt for lecture but ended up scrolling yt shorts. Then I tried getting back to studies but I kept switching from study to discord n pinterest then back to studying n back to pinterest. I starved myself till the evening n had no other option than to eat what mom made so I had lunch around 5pm.
My sibling came home from work n didn't let me study bcz her presence is distracting for me. I studied a lil then talked to a frnd. I had a great time talking to her after such a long time n I felt much better. Then had dinner n went for a walk n removed my nail paint on the walk. Came back home, replied to some frnd's texts n here I am.
Overall it was a bad day but I rlly rlly hope I make it better tmrw. I'll be sleeping soon so I can make a better start tmrw morning from 5am. Also I'm committing here to meditate tmrw morning or at night but I'll surely meditate daily for at least 10mins. I don't aim for a 16hr study sess tmrw or be strictly stuck to the schedule but I do promise it to myself that I will try to be at least 1% better tmrw.
Promises I make to myself for tmrw 27th March:
I won't scroll yt shorts tmrw.
I won't open pinterest.
No sad music
Gratitude:
I'm grateful for the grapes n bananas papa bought tdy. I love fruits.
I'm grateful for finding this server n a space to vent n post about my day and feel seen.
I'm grateful for the manchurian my aunt sent tdy
untold cosmos
Hi every1. Hope y'll r doing great. I have an exam on 6th April n another one on...
I wish you the best of luck on both your exams, you will make it 
feral helm
I wish you the best of luck on both your exams, you will make it <a:hug:11948790...
You're so sweet, thankyouu 🩷
27th March
It's 5am n I woke up. I checked discord first ik it's not what I should've done. I'll just put a time blocker for it tmrw or might js delete it.
I didn't sleep well last night so I hope I don't fall asleep during my study sessions. Starting with planning my day so..
5:30-7:30-->line n plane
7:30-8:00-->breakfast
8:00-12:00-->limits n continuity
•••1hr break•••
13:00-14:30--> wave optics
14:30-16:00--> chemical kinetics
16:00-21:00--> principles of organic chemistry & hydrocarbon.
feral helm
I'll write down my random thoughts throughout the day here.
-# how do dentists say we have to clean the back of our teeth too?? it's sooo difficult to clean it with the normal toothbrush 🪥
Starting to study now, it's late but I'll have breakfast only after I complete the task planned before breakfast
feral helm
-# I keep thinking n wanting to be like yalina from the dhurandar movie. I like how she's so bold n confident, w curly hair as mine, I also want to go clubbing like her. But except that part, all she is, is a spoiled daughter who asks for money for education n coaching n spends it on her boyfriend. Who trusts her boyfriend locks herself in his room with her phone switched off and lives with him from the age of 17. I'd never do that.
feral helm
-# Wthh lecture ended ½hr earlyyyy what do I do till 7:30nowwwww...umm...do i do the next task or.. I'll practice PYQs from ts topic.it's harddd aghhhh okay I'll do it w music on.
feral helm
-# i couldn't even solve 2pyqs 😭😭😭😭😭 i hv to have breakfast n move on w next chapter:/
feral helm
-# I had milk n 2 bananas 😋
-# Starting with limits n continuity I feel scaredddd its a tough chapter 😭😭
feral helm
-# I'm so sleepyyyyyyyyyyyy no
-# NOO i have to stay awakeee I CAN'T SLEEEPPPPPPP
feral helm
-# Limits n continuity completeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!
wide trench
you have got thisss, you're doing greattt
feral helm
you have got thisss, you're doing greattt
Aryyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Was it this server that u were in?????
wide trench
Was it this server that u were in?????
yessssssss babeeeeeeeeeeeeee
feral helm
hey your day is going super productiveeee. i am actually prouddd
Thenkkyewwww babee
I js finished wave optics but I procrastinate sm in solving pyqs
feral helm
-# i was so sleepy I put a timer for ½hr n sleep but when I woke up after that timer n was laying in bed I was about to get up but mom turned the lights off n i slacked off. I've been sleeping since then n I woke up now. I'll go get out of bed n wash my face, eat smth n study. Or maybe have smth so don't need to get up for dinner in btw study.
feral helm
-# i ...didn't study...I watched splitsvilla till now..n had dinner again.
feral helm
-# is she ignoring me??
feral helm
-# I don't want to study anymoreeeeeee aaaggghhhhhhhhhhhhh
feral helm
27th March review
I started the day very productive and disciplined yday but i slacked off from the evening. I didn't complete the last 2 tasks on my to-do list n instead watched splitsvilla talked to ppl online till 3am n messed up my sleep schedule. As a result I woke up at 12noon today n just had my breakfast now.
My wins for the day
0 mins of scrolling
I woke up exactly at 5am
Neither overthinking nor daydreaming at all
What I need to improve 28th March onwards
• I mess up by the end of the day-
I'll chew a chewing gum if that helps staying awake, I won't lay in bed mid study session.
• Sleep schedule -
I won't talk to anyone after 11pm.
• Productivity -
I can have a social life if n only if my academics is in my hands. I won't delay my study sessions bcz I'm talking to someone(even if they're rlly close to me).
• Splitsvilla -
If I need entertainment/drama in my routine, I need to earn it. I'll only watch splitsvilla if i strictly adhere to my schedule from 5am till 7pm.
28TH MARCH
It's 13:31, I had breakfast. I need to take a head bath bcz there's oil in my hair. But bcz i have to cover up for the time i lost by waking up late, i might js wash my hair tmrw.
So starting w the tasks I left yday,
14:00-15:00---> chemical kinetics
15:00-20:00---> principles of organic chemistry & hydrocarbon
By 20:00 I can watch splitsvilla but after that I need to complete math PYQs
feral helm
Plan change, i had to help my mom clean home n then I had to take a bath so I'm starting now
crude sphinx
**28TH MARCH**
It's 13:31, I had breakfast. I need to take a head bath bcz there...
How do you study for 5 hours straight brah .
Do you have a method
feral helm
How do you study for 5 hours straight brah .
It was js an unrealistic goal I set for myself 😭
But yea i can do it on some lucky days
I keep switching subjects when I feel tired or sleepy.
feral helm
28th March
Hii dear diary!! I woke up super late today n I feel so bad about it. I woke up at around 12 or 1pm. Still I had some time to study n cover up but i wasted it too. I wasn't so serious about my schedule n all..I feel bad about it now but there's no point. I watched splitsvilla too. Also looked for hair colour inspo on Pinterest. I'm so distracted. I hope to have a better start tmrw. Imma go sleep now. Bbyee<3
Gratitude:
I'm grateful for my healthy hair.
I'm grateful for my healthy body.
I'm grateful for my pretty nails.
Improve tmrw:
Wake up early
Drink at least 4 glasses of water.
Don't search for your name in that old server plz
feral helm
29th March
I js woke up. It's a lil late but yeah now I won't sleep during the day. I'll wash my face n start studying. I won't talk to anyone unless I've studied for 4hrs minimum.
To-do
Differentiation...by noon.
-# reward-i can check dms
Electrostatics...by 4pm
-# I can have an oreo
Hydrocarbon...by 7pm.
-# I can watch splitsvilla
Halogen derivatives...by 11pm.
-# I can use discord for as long as I want before I sleep
feral helm
-# my fav animal is my sis when some1 ruins ger sleep 😆. She almost broke up w her bf 😭😭 ts morning
feral helm
-# yayyayyy done w electrostatics too.
I forgot to schedule hairwash today 😭 I'll wash my hair before watching splitsvilla so I can rest too
feral helm
-# I'm watching splitsvilla now n will complete the 1hr lecture of hydrocarbons later. Bcz I'm starving so I'll have dinner n watch splitsvilla while I eat.
feral helm
Discord discord discord discord
I'm on discord again
Addicted
Yt shorts
2hrs
Discord 4 hours
Aaaggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Woke up late
Stayed up late last nightt
Nooooooooooo
I'm not falling into that old routine again
Reset
6pm I'll start math
It's a 4hr lecture
I'll study only that one chapter and sleep as soon as I'm done w it
Promise promise to myself I'm not clicking on any yt short again.
feral helm
lyrics that stuck w me~
How can I forget someone,
Who gave me so much to remember
~Remember
And now I wish we never met,
'Cause you're too hard to forget
~lie to me
Why is it always in another universe, and not in this one?
We all broke rules for someone,
And in the end they broke us too
Hating u is the only way it doesn't hurt
*Oversharing and its bitter after taste*
*You will always be on the list of all the good things that I miss*
*I hate thinking, "What if?"*
*The way I kissed your scars
The way I healed your heart,oh
Don't u miss me,babe?*31st March
Hi diary, it's 4pm n I've completed 7hrs of study so far. I'm feeling good about it but I'm so tired. It's so difficult to keep my eyes open. I slept 6hrs last night, also fell asleep tdy while studying for 45mins. Got my period tdy 4 days late.Thankfully I didn't get any cramps js the minor discomfort which wasn't minor but okayish. I feel like sleeping again. My lower body is in pain n I felt cold (it's 36°C outside). I didn't let mom turn the fan n she raised her hand on me. She didn't slap or hit me but I got so scared. 2mins after that I also cried bcz idk maybe thinking about it.
feral helm
1st April
I stayed up so late last night. It was for some form filling of an exam but i messed up my sleep again. I woke up late today. It's 8:09am and I'm still in bed. I've stretched for the body pain I have. Made my bed. I'll just wash my face n start studying. At least 2hrs I'll study then I'll eat smth for breakfast.
untold cosmos
-# my brain is dead. I really need sleep. I can't concentrate at all
You do, I hope you are resting well now
It is important to get some rest ya know, for the brain to process all the information properly and remember better the next day
It’s never worth it to sacrifice resting hours for the sake of studying, in that case it’s best not to procrastinate and study a little bit earlier, I would say 1 hour before sleeping
feral helm
I slept all day and I'm so sleepy I'm falling asleep while studying and also getting dreams.
feral helm
You do, I hope you are resting well now
Thank u 🩷
Yea I am resting enough
Ooh yea u r right
feral helm
It’s never worth it to sacrifice resting hours for the sake of studying, in that...
Yepp will keep that in mind
TYSM 🩷
feral helm
Yesterday was such a waste. Yea i needed rest but i could've studied and managed resting n studying much better. It's 3days for the exam n I'm going insane. I'm so not prepared. Rescue me God. There's another exam on 11th that is more important for me. I hope ts on the 6th April doesn't affect my mental health much like it did last time. I have to keep my sanity n not lose myself however this exam goes. I'm afraid. I'm so afraid this time cz it's the final chance I'm getting. And only 3 days of prep.
feral helm
My eyes feel tired
feral helm
When I'm done w all these exams n I'm free to live like a human n feel like a human the first thing I'll be doing is cry. I'll cry soooo muchhhh. I've been trying to keep my shi tgt all these days n js not let it get over my mind n I've been neglecting my alone time I'd spend in hobbies n all. Fuvk socializing I'll go on solo dates and explore my interest, get myself all those pastel colour yarns i wanted and I'll crochet a cute top for myself. I'll paint n draw n sketch n buy myself that hairbrush n make an Instagram account and live a life. I'm so exhausted. At least the first few days will be just me sleeping without setting those 5am alarms for the next day and sleep for as long as I want.
feral helm
7th April
I'm done w JEE now I'll plan to cover my cet backlogs and mock tests
Maths - 7 chapters (~4hr/lec)
Chemistry - 11 chapters (~3hr/lec)
Physics - 4 (~3hr/lec)
If I don't start practicing PYQs now I'll mess up CET too so I gotta manage it too
I have after shift that's 2-5pm so let's make that my pyq practicing time everyday
Then covering my backlogs 28+33+12 = 73hrs backlog + ongoing lectures.
Since there's just a week for the exam I have to cover the backlog asap. If I think of it as a 12hr/day study plan excluding pyqs practice it'll take me 6 days to cover the backlog but then I won't have time for mocks....14hr/day gives me 5days for backlogs but then it'll be difficult to attend the ongoing lectures and no time for pyq practice.
Let's make it
Chem - 2 chapters
Math - 1 chapter
Physics - 1 chapter each day along w attending lectures regularly and practicing PYQs.
Since I procrastinate sm on PYQs only so will start it by this afternoon
If I have to complete my syllabus by this Saturday I'll have to start tdy w the 14hr study plan but it's not possible now bcz it's already 12pm.
But still I'll try
feral helm
I didn't do any study till now I didn't even start
feral helm
I'm afraid I'll miss u forever.
feral helm
April 29th
Heyy dear dairy, it's 29th April so 12 days for CET. I haven't been studying much so not really proud of myself these days. Idk it myself why I'm procrastinating sm or what is it. How could I study sm before JEE n what happened to me after that. It's my last chance to secure a descent college n still idk what I'm doing w my time,my day or my life. I've been living so hopeless n aimless. This isn't who i am. When did I lose myself? Where? Why am I not spending time doing activities i enjoy life and not js to escape from it. Scrolling yt shorts, reels or pinterest isn't smth i enjoy. Watching ppl on discord is making me feel like missing out on idek what, a social life maybe? Thinking about the future makes me anxious. Somewhere in my heart I know it'll work out. I will make it work out for sureee but then what is it that doesn't let me sleep n gives me that discomfort in my chest unable to feel relaxed? The only time I like thinking about the future is when I'm talking to my bf and picturing a future w him. With him when I'm thinking of future and even when the career aspect clicks in it doesn't scare me anymore. It's like even if it doesn't work out I'll have him and not for the financial support but the emotional one that'll keep me together, keep me sane n not fall apart. As much as I love the feeling of being safe w him n hate how i couldn't give that to myself without him. Why do i not trust myself and make myself feel safe enough so when I think of the future I think," I'll have myself". I don't want to 'need' him. I js want to 'want' him. I don't want to get attached to him. I want to love him. I want to stop his overthinking and let him sleep relaxed. I want to love n heal the hurt he got from his past. How do I do all this when I don't have myself. I feel like I'm projecting my insecurities,my baggages on him.
-# too tired to continue
feral helm
I'M SOOOOOOOOOO MAD AT HIM I WANT TI KICK HIM ON HIS BALLS
feral helm
2nd May
Survived april yayayahhahahahahaha
So I planned the next 10days of mine thru claude ai n I was thinking of making a productivity server to keep my life in track but it's too much work so ima js put all of it here
Or let me js make a server then will keep updating about the day here
FISSHHAAAAAAAA
Now that I made a server I'm so kwjsjwjw what channels do I add 😭 i added one category for goals in which there r channels for daily, weekly and monthly
For now weekly doesn't make sense cz I have exam in 10days so I'm going according to that but by the end of this month i do have a lotttaaaa goalsssas.
So let's js start planning my day n week. Now that the claude has given me the todo list for each day for next 10days ima upload it in my server n bcz i have this post to yap I'm not gonna make a channel in that server
Aahhh why is planning so easy and execution so harddd
Ffuuuuuuuuu I've splitsvilla in an hourrrrrr i needtostudyyyytillthennnnnnn
feral helm
I didn't studyyyyyyy 😭😭😭😭😭😭i made the to-do but couldn't even tick off one task from it
I hope I get it all done tmrw by noon
feral helm
3rd May
It's 5:20am I've tied my hair in a bun. I'm so so pissed at him. I'm never going to talk to him again
It's like he's js taking me for granted
I'll show him now
I've been up since 4:30 cz idk for what reason my body clock wakes me up this early even tho I couldn't sleep before 1
Anyways I've to study sm tdy i almost forget that I have a boyfriend
feral helm
My eyes hurt smmmmm but I can't sleeppp I'll waste sm timeeeee
copper sundial
I didn't studyyyyyyy 😭😭😭😭😭😭i made the to-do but couldn't even tick off one...
Is the stress about finals and the end of the school year overwheliming for you too?Sometime when I am extremly stressed out about some big assigments/tasks I end up wasting the whole day trying force my self to do them. Sometimes it is better just to do something (ex: like homework for another class or drafting an important email) than stressing about doing what you know you must do first. Maybe, after you do that you will feel more willing to take on the harder tasks. Remember -Perfection is the enemy of good-.
I'm just trying to support you. This school year has been very rough for me too and Im still figuring things out myself.
I wish you best !!! 🙂
feral helm
Is the stress about finals and the end of the school year overwheliming for you ...
Oml i needed this sm 😭 I've been trying to solve the pyqs which is my least fav part n I give up after 10min max. I really need to start w smth small. Thanks for reminding.
And I'm so sorry for u having a rough year at school. But things will get better. We'll make it better. We've got thiss n goodluck 🍀 for the rest of the school year too.
Tysm for the help!!
feral helm
May 6
My boyfriend thinks I'm too clingy
So the only time that I'm going to talk to him is after 4pm if n only if I complete 4hrs of Study. And after that also I'll talk to him for less than ½hr n then directly after 8pm
The exam is on 13th so I'll plan the next 6 days n start studying
feral helm
Idt I've prepared well enough to score even 100 marks in the exam so I'll first focus on that.
So in math I need to complete 8 chapters for it
-# green heart ones r completed
Math
💚 Logic
💚 Matrices
Vectors
Line n plane
Linear programming
Differentiation
Binomial distribution
Probability distributions
Physics
Dual nature
Currect electricity
Semiconductor
Magnetism
-# aaghhhhhh idk which chapters to focus or r high weightages but I'll js try studying as many as I can atp
-# these r the chapters I've to complete after I complete the ones above
-# ktg, waves, rotation, thermo, osci, emi
Chem
Green chemistry
Polymer
Biomolecules
Physical chemistry
-# chemical thermodynamics
-# solid state
-# A, P, E
-# A, K,C
-# d block
-# CC
So this gives me
One chapter or each subject everyday till the day if exam. Along w the shift analysis of 12th May.
I can do this😭😭
For tdy-
6th May
Vectors
Dual nature
Green chemistry
-# my mom asked me to help her in kitchen 😭😭😭😭😭 I'll start after that
feral helm
So I'm starting w vectors now. I'll use the yt lecture for revising the formulas n theory n go for pyqs next
feral helm
Helped mom w some stuff I'll pakka start now 😭
feral helm
I should js stop expecting from ppl
feral helm
How will he know if I don't tell him that I'm mad
No I'm not mad
I'm
Ughh
I should
Tell him
No
I don't wanna
But
Ignoring him isn't okay
Hmm
I'll js reply
feral helm
Ahaa I feel so tireddd
I woke up so late and slept 7+ hrs
Why do I feel like sleeping again
Y isn't he studying w meeee
feral helm
WHY'S THIS ASSHOLE TESTING MY PATIENCEEEEE 😭😭😭😭 HE'S A FRND ANS STILL I CAN'T SAY ANYTHING BCZ THEN HE'LL FEEL BAD ABOUT IT
WHY CAN HE NIT TAKW MY WORDS LIGHTLYYYYY LIKE HE TOOK HIS GUY FRND'S SWEAR WORDSSS!!!!!???????
feral helm
Okayy soo done w mhtcet
Now I gotta prepare for imucet
IMUCETTTTTTTTTT
I'm soo in the do n die situation 😭😭
Qualifying it in itself is a struggle for me and even if I do get into marine engineering i don't know shii about that field I'm not even interested in it for sure either I won't survive that clg or I'll js kms I'm so dead already js thinking about it
feral helm
Heiiiii dear diary
Uhm..we..broke up. Yupp that's right. Even idk for what reason. Maybe like bcz we couldn't grow being in that rs so he wanted break. I was okay w break but how he wanted it was sooo not making sense to me. It js felt like breaking up. He said it's a break but w no assurance of us coming back tgt, no fixed time period and we both can date other ppl???srsly????? I was so clear w it that if he wants break, okay but the least he can give me is a fixed time period. Ik it's about emotions so he can't tell the exact time he'd feel ready to be w me but he should've thought of a time period and tried to sort wtv he has. If he says it's never gonna end what he's going thru now then why doesn't he js leave the place n be a priest live alone in the Himalayas. Idek who is speaking all this I'd never say all this about him. I didn't even talk about it to anyone. I js told my frnds that we broke up n I don't wanna talk about it. I explained a lil but everything i said was in his favour like he was good I was the one who couldn't be a good girlfriend that he deserved but why do I feel so angry at him now. Even when I told him I js want a fixed time period he refused to give me that and stilll I was like I'm okay w wtv type of break u say. Like who tf says that?? Why wud be okay w everything he says and I be the one thinking more of him than myself? It wasn't even like I was too emotional that I agreed w everything he said. It's js that I rlly rlly didn't wanna lose him. Not js bcz i was attached. Ik it when I'm too attached and not thinking logically. I'm not js attached I love him. I rlly want to be w him all my life. It's not like I didn't want him to take time and clarity. It js felt so wrong when he said that he can be loyal only for a couple months of separation. Even if he had said that he wants a break till his 12th ends I'd have been okay w it. But it js felt like he wants to break up now but is keeping me as a backup.
I might sound like I don't trust him but I'm js afraid of getting hurt again
I feel so tired
Harsh
Talk to me
I don't wanna doubt u
I hope I start unloving u soon
Bcz that's how u want things to be
I don't want to be the one waiting for u
I wish I could be mad at u n hate u for making me cry again n again n again
I js hope you're not doing all this intentionally
I js hope you're not the wrong person to trust
feral helm
I miss him so muchhhha ahhhh
I miss him saying "Hnji"
It was so cute
"Hnji"
And how he said "CHUTIYOO"
And
"aruiii"
Cutest word I've ever heard
"chhoro"
And how he baby talked
I wish I could ask him if we can study tgt so I can see him but he thinks we should detach first
feral helm
"fuku fuku"
I really wanna see him
I looked for the flight tickets and I see is I'll need 20k only for travel 😭
I can barely manage to get 5k that too after I ask my sibling for the money I lend her which she obviously won't give me back but even if she does i won't be able to afford even the one way ticket. Idk about the prices now but I'll have exams till July nd I can't go before that
Fish fish i have an exam in 2 days
Lock in girll
Started math ine shot
I was thinking of asking him to get back w me on the day of my bday so at least there's something nice on that day. And even if I do cry this year also it would be the happy tears of having him back. I js hope he doesn't deng when I ask him or he should js ask me first.
Getting back to studying now 🫡
feral helm
I hate to be desperate for someone.
If he wants to come, he will
When I feel like I've improved enough to date anyone and have given him sufficient time to detach, I'll ask him if he wants to date me. I'll be good with whatever his answer will be.
I should stop expecting him to call me or text me
w that said I'm not focusing much on moving on from him, rather I'll focus on correcting my faults and focusing more on myself
This will help me detach from him and even if I do have feelings for him it's fine.
feral helm
Tu jithe mi tithe
Swapna vede paahile aata
Sparsh ola mokdya vata
Mi na majhi rahile ata
Sahaj sope ya unha che
Tya dhukyala bilagle
He ase mazhe tujhe
Ana tya dhigyala bilagale
Shodhate swatahla bhetuni tula
Ana mag aaplya vatat kahi arth ye nava
Tu jithe
Mi tithe
feral helm
Where tf do i go
Never have I ever in my life felt so helpless
I've literally tried everywhere I can possibly ask for help
Someone just take me out of this world pls
I hate my existence
feral helm
Okay so I have this secret I'm putting here bcz i won't be able to digest my food for the next six months if I don't share my secret with 10 different ppl 😭
So I lost my domicile certificate a few months back
Or maybe last year
And i knew it for so long but I kept it secret bcz i knew if I tell my father he'll beat my soul out bcz he's so serious about these documents stuff n all
Neither did I tell it to my mom nor my sis cz my didi will scold me and my mom can't keep anything from my father so
And now that I need that document for my college admission ahh godddd I'm so cooked
I asked the netcafe uncle what documents I'd need and he sent a list
So longgg
And those documents were those I've never even heard they existed
Somehow I managed to search for all of them tdy and i applied for it from the netcafe
Now I js hope noone at my home gets to know about it bcz i lied to my mom n my uncle n aunty bcz the document I needed was at their place
Help me lord I need one more document that I looked for everywhere but couldn't find it
I came from that netcafe and paid him and everything's done from my end now idk if he has applied for it or not
I'm js worried if he calls my sister for that document bcz he's close to my sister and knows me bcz of her
Uhh
Okay one more thing what happened was
Tdy i was checking the Truecaller history of mine cz i wanted to check a number who called me
As I scrolled down I see my ex called me last night at around 9pm
I wonder why he called
I didn't get the call bcz he's blocked but I saw it in the calling app
The last time we talked, he sweared on his entire family that won't try to contact me from then
But then why did he call me yday?
I don't wanna be thinking about him much but I js hope universe keeps me safe (from him)..idk what kind of guy he is now and what all he could do
ALSOOO
EVERY TIME I GO OUT I SEE HIM
Idk howw
But every night when I'm on a walk I've been seeing him from a few days ig
Fuxkkkkk that netcafe uncleee
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God bless that uncle's seven generations if he does my work properly without getting my sis or my dad in between 🙏
Why am I secretly hoping that my ex calls me right after my exam telling me that he never needed a break from me he js said it bcz he wanted me to focus on my exam that's why he wanted me to detach from him
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sleepy sleepyyy im so sleepyyyy
i needto learn how the scoentific calculator works
boringg
i hate typingggg
i havent replied to her in 14hrs+ and havent replied to her in 28+hrs
y am i being like ts
but i dont wanna talk
to her
n her
ooff my eyesssssss
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I HAVE EXAM TMRWWWW I'M SO STRESSEDDDDD AAAHHHHH
I didn't learn a word from physics or chem
Aaaaaaaaaa
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Maths almost done
I need more practice w the scientific calculator 😭😭 why is it so difficult to learn using itttt?!!!!!!
Physics - untouched 🛐
Chem - skipping cz it's only 20 marks
World gk, indian gk - done as much as I could and it's gk so u can never complete it's syllabus
Aptitude aaahhhhhh aptitude is lefttt but it's easy I'll cover it up fasttt
And english too almost finished
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I hate the feeling of wanting to tell him everything good that happens in my day
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I feel so tired my eyes r so hurting
I feel like sleeping but not rlly sleep
It's like I've gotten so tired from my day
As much as I feel relieved that I didn't waste much time n made the most of my time
I feel like going home (if yk what I mean)
I wanna go sleep
But
I js want to relax n talk to that person
I regret not telling him how much I loved him
But it's not bcz i loved him less it's bcz every time I've expressed my love towards someone I've gotten hurt by them.
Even if I try I can't make myself to express ppl what I actually feel about them bcz it makes me feel like giving them an opportunity to use the feelings I have for them against me
Wtv I've this pyq lecture then I'll sleep
Fkk noo I'll sleep asap I have exam tmrw
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Sleep
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I hate expecting sm
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ok so my exam went pretty well now i got a book i llbe reading
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im not much of a reader n im too slow too so i read like 20-30pages now i wanna yap about my yesterdays day
so
the reporting time for my exam was 1 pm but we reached there by 12
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i was gonna go alone so my didi came w me. it was so hot there n not proper arrangement for us to stay but it was pretty ok till the time it was 1pm. cz then they were supposed to give us our seating arrangements and labs allotment and do the verifications n all but their system was so sluggish they all were js chilling doing ntg. fast forward to when i got to know that i got my period. ON THE DAY OF THE EXAM THAT TOO ON THE EXAM CENTRE i didnt panick at all cz i wasnt feeling well since that morning n ive had that weird feeling and knowing how luck stays w me i was already prepared 'ifi get my period tdy' (i got my period 3 days earlier than when it was supposed to start). idky i tried to control my emotions sm but i js started crying and my didi was constantly asking me how i was feeling that made cry even more. i felt so weak and the cramps were js .. luckily my didi made place for me to sit. we had some juice w us which helped me w the weakness thing but my emotions were so out of place i was sm in tears. i wasnt even nervous for the exam still idk what made me cry. my didi didnt want me to take the exam n js wanted to take me home w her but i stayed n it went pretty okay. there were 200questions +1 for correct n -0.25 for incorrect. i cud attempt 145 questions outof which some were fs incorrect. i js hope i get a decent government marine time clg. after the exam i didnt expect my didi n her bf to pick me up bcz i was told tocome home by cab but its nice they got me n took me to an exhibition, then some other place and then e ate yayay i love fooddd. my didi always gets me what i never had before so yday i had cheesycorndog and loaded fries. it had kimchin chicken which what i ate the most i left the fries for them n i was already full from the corndog. her bf exaplained too me the diet n how to cook it so i can gain weight
i came home rested a bit n started searching for some things im too tired totalk ab rn
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sleepisleepislaapaslaapa
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why do i feel getting punished by them
y does is feel like i dont deserve to be here in this state of mind
why do i feel so tired i didnt even do anything tdy
i wish i had a cat sitting next to me while i study
i really dont wanna breathe it feels like my heart lungs dont wanna expand more maybe dot have the space to expand n fill in the air inside em
i js wanna fal asleep again but i have to study
i need to stduy
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yayyy i made a new fnrdddd
her name is mahika and shes so coolll n so extroverted
she talks to every1 like shes frndss w allof em
n she reads ppl like its so crazyyyy
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okay so i started the day pretty late at around 2 pm cz i slept late n was studying till morning
i woke up, made my bed, didnt use phone n instead took protien n did my most hated task(took a shower) had brunch n then opened discord to study
tdy i feel much better, no stress at all my heart feels lighter i talked to Anay as well, deeksha didnt reply yet, had a long long chat w arya which was so healing i loved talking to her after such long time
had a boiled egg also so there's js one tough task left which is to eat another egg then there r easy ones like praticing japanese n work on that journal thingy
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its 9pm n i didnt even complete one chapter ive been studying since ystday 😭 😭
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43.6kgsssssssssssssss
i gainedd weighttttt
yayyyyyy
i feel so sleepy
the book im reading js makes me more sad
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okay so 1st june it is
i started reading books so as to improve my english along w providing me some way entertain myself without shortening my attention span and artificial dopamine. so, books, my healthy coping mech to escape this reality,. i thought i'd use as in breaks for when im not studying but i ended up binge reading and not studying at all tdy. this isnt how it shd be,i know and i knew when i was practically wasting my time reading. it wasnt even an entertaining book i was lit in tears n so sad i felt like js being alone. im never gonna read a sad book again. not all stories have happy ending his father said. u let her go, u js wanted it to end, so u left her even when u cudve held for longer. its so sad so so sad for a 13 yr old.coming back to reality -
- no doom scrolling:
what worked~ no scroll app for phone and blocker for web
what didnt work~ sitting next to my sis when she is scrolling thru reels/shorts - sleep schedule:
what worked~ sleeping early and waking up early
what didnt work~ staying up late "studying" bcz then after i am done studyin n i try to sleep my chest feels uncomf, idk what it is i always feel it but cudnt name it yet, also at night my brain stops braining so studying dosnt rlly work for me - english speaking:
what worked~ joining vcs and talking to ppl
what didnt work~ staying in vc for too long affecting my study schedule - weight gain:
what worked~ nothing 😭
what didnt work~ everything 😭 (whey protien,eggs,chicken ahhhh) - haircare: everything's been chummeshwari but i think i need to change my hair gel. MY HAIR HAS GROWN TILL MY WAIST AND SOME TILL MY HIPSS YAYAYYYYYUYUYUYUYUYAAAA I HAVENT LOVED MY HAIR MORE. i think maybe it is time to invest in a good curly hair gel
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-
dating:
what worked for me~ staying single protecting my sanity
what didnt work~ dating -
friendships:
what worked~ communicating every single minor tinitiny thing
what didnt work~ isolating n avoiding them -
about him:
what went wrong from my end- i didnt meet the standards i set for my partner. (i wanted him to be emotionally supportive while everyime he needed me i went quite, traumas arent an excuse for couldnt being there for him)
what i need to work on– healing from the friendship breakup wounds, my anxious-preoccupied attachment style, how i perceive dating, learn to let go off incomplete/sad ending chapters w ppl
my actionable steps- start reading books on healing, trusting ppl(deeksha, anay, sara, arya) even if i feel a lil uncomfortable
-# i'll add on as i research more about this
detaching from him- stop listening to joji, stop stalking him, stop checking his activities, stop daydreaming about him, stop reading old chats, stop listening to his voice notes instead write letters and let go of everything ive been holding in, make that list of why i shdnt be w him
reasons for why it didnt work -
we have contradicting ideologies on some topics
-
i need to improve and heal myself before i date anyone
-
during the rs he was only giving n i was only receiving and it exshauted him
-
in the fear of getting used/taken advantage of by him i never confessed to him my love incase he'd know i loved him too hard
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I can see that he's online I'm getting the urge to check what he's doing or which games he's playing or yt video ahh I'm not gonna act on my thoughts
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amma i dont like studying bcz of chemistry y cannt i js get married in a rich family