I need Space?

[violet wave]

later in the convo he was telling me how he loved me for my heart and not for my looks but he said "oh, I had much better options in terms of looks-" and i understand his intention was not to insult me, but the way he said it hurt. I have been someone whose really insecure about my looks and he knows that, as ive been bullied and picked on and its like a really big trigger for me in total. i was hurt, but i didnt want to fight so i just left the call and went to bed. i told him we'll talk tommorow. I decided i would consequence it to me not coming infront of him without makeup since I felt really insecure and that I had lost my safe place. I did some harsh things where I yelled at him when he tried to apologize and told him to beg for my forgiveness which i wish i didnt, but then he turned the convo into him blaming my mom for the birthday wish. she apologized profusely and told him it'll never happen, which is a big thing again in my culture that elderly people are not meant to apologize like that. he still had an ego, and he got his mother involved. i dont know what he told her, but she turned completely against me. i spammed his cell for like 40 times when he was at his family business because i had a panic attack and just needed 5 minutes so i could calm down, which again - big regret. i ended up passing out and woke up to his call later in the evening when he said his mom told him to maintain some space as the rel was getting toxic but he didnt agree and didnt want the space. we talked a bit out, and then later in the night he blocked me out of the blue - again. this sent me into a spiral. i texted him from multiple accounts and numbers to ask him what was going on, i atleast deserved an explanation -

even his bestfriend, but noone told me anything. i ended up begging his mom , who did make me talk, and he said he needed space?? i said i'll respect it i just needed 5 minutes of his time - but he refused. i ended up sh, as i have struggled w it. he knows that.
His mom saw that as psychotic and threatened to call the cops on me. she called me all sorts of things and told me to stay away from her son. I went into somewhat a state of depression the next day, but i begged his mom next night and apologized even after she told me to go into a psych ward :) so she finally agreed to let me talk to him. he called me that night, and i felt complete. he even whispered a small i love you, and that helped alot. he promised he'd call again tommorow, and its been the entire next day and i havent gotten any calls. I cant even tell him im sick, i cant tell him how much pain im in, how im still sh'ing, or how i have noone, im completely alone as our friends still abandoned me even when i made it very clear im desperate and alone, and need someone. i get they're mad at me over minor things, but an apology and a cry for help didn't get them to come. I am completely and utterly alone. I get his need for space, and ive been respecting it by not messaging him but im dying over here, and i know that boy. he couldnt live 2 hours without calling me. idk if hes under pressure or geniunely doesn't want to talk to me, but i feel like i have to make my pain or myself disappear or not exist so he would stay in my life. I can't even tell him that i miss him or cry because i feel it'll be too pressurizing to do so. I keep checking anxiously for his call or text or if he blocked me again. I have so so so much pain in my chest.

i'd really like some advice. i've been talking to chatgpt for it, but i feel like i should really reach out to him and like... ask him if hes ok?

[verbal pier]

Idk if he blocked you without even saying anything I think that he doesn’t care enough . For now you have to calm down and use some activities that ease the mind . Running,meditating,gym, hobbies . Just take a week to process and then think on what you want to do with him . After all it’s been only 5 months with him , is the bond strong with y’all

[violet wave]

very. I would literally die for him.

[verbal pier]

Then just give it a week , maybe he has to resolve issues with his family etc

I assume rn they are not that happy and are in a bad mood

But ngl he also caused this all

With even a. Little processing power you would know saying I had better options but I choose you isn’t the best thing to say

[violet wave]

I gently requested a call from him tonight. I was crying and he heard it. He was very gentle, and told me he loved me again. Said it was a plan, and it was just a matter of few days.

I then couldn't hold myself and sent him a text saying I needed some explanations.

He told me to delete that text and he would text me later

I think someone (his mom) is monitoring those texts

Or his phone

It's crazy.

[violet wave]

no calls all day.

i'm..having multiple panic attacks throughout

unable to focus on my upcoming exam

and this is my 4th fever in 2 days

and this time it wont go down even with meds

I will end up in the hospital like this.

I texted him, I had my friends call him, or his friends... no response.

logically, i should give up...

but hes worth all this if i can just be in his arms.

[violet wave]

I begged him for mercy, at first he was cold. he did not give a single fuck about me. I collapsed.

I told him I wanted to break up.

I felt no love from his end, and that love was the only thing I was fighting for.

he finally softened up

he finally broke down aswell

he told me he wasnt being influenced by his mother :'D

but he was dying inside too , unable to trust me

I know what I did was wrong , the sh and the panic calls, the ex incident

but I think I've suffered more than him. atp. might be a selfish thing to say but it is.

I diminish my pain because I wanted to keep him

but once I said the breakup thing out loud, all I want to do is make sure my pain isnt ignored while making space for him. I want to co-exist.