#I dont know how to help him

66 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

azure lark
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Another conversation with my boyfriend. This time its about his struggles of trying to sit down and study and also his worries of being incompetent.
Im not sure what to even say because I feel like Ive said everything possible. He has goals he wants to meet but also says its very hard for him to get up and try to meet those goals. I asked in the case of studying what does he want to do. he said he wants to study for a long period of time. I said just because u study longer doesnt mean uve been more efficient in learning. And i suggested him to try to sit down n study keeping all distractions away and set a small goal for a time limit of 10-15 minutes and try to study that way. He said im not understanding that its not that easy and just because he knows he can do that doesnt mean he can execute it. He is also worried about not progressing fast enough in sports.

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he is very insistent that he just caant do anything and says that hes just incompetent and stupid. Mind you, hes basically the top student of my year group and he is very much capable.

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After a long time if suggesting various things I said “i dont know what to say or do. I cant do anything if you dont have the will to put effort in the first place which i know you can but i cant do anytjing if you dont keep trying to move forward”

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i tried suggesting anything n also reassuring him

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but im not sure how to approach this

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<@&1483139848717209705> <@&662497203570475059>

atomic mulch
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Let me read

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Hard to motivate when the person's motivation to even sit down and study is gone.

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I cannot say for this guy, but maybe this guy is currently experiencing issues where he might have endured hits on self-esteem and maybe rejection.

azure lark
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his self esteem is at its lowest id say but its been like this for years now

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im not sure what to do or say

azure lark
atomic mulch
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is not exactly an issue that i can comment much unfortunately.

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he would not only need strong encouragement.

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he would also need to also find a way out of that slump hes in.

azure lark
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hmm okay thankyou

atomic mulch
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but that

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would depend if hes willing to get himself out of it.

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cuz if hes still willingly subjecting himself to this

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there is no absolute way

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he can even get there.

azure lark
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i sometimes think that maybe hes restricting himself to that

atomic mulch
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He might need a trusted person

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Or professional help

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Like maybe a therapist to help process his feelings.

novel quarry
# azure lark Another conversation with my boyfriend. This time its about his struggles of try...

Hmm my (kinda) bestfriend went through a very similar thing, still is.. He needs to study 12-16 hours a day (according to him) but couldn't bring himself to it. He still might not be able to meet it but to help he and I used to do study VCs (you are on call when studying with screensharing or camera on) it gave him a little motivation when he saw someone else was studying with him. Sitting for particular time slots like 1.5 hrs-even 4 hours sometimes at once. Its just something that helped him, when he was and is still going through it (I try to keep helping him)

-# [Saying all this because it felt very similar, he also lost all his confidence even tho he is the smartest person I used know (still do) and couldn't put in the hard work even though he is so very capable of it]

azure lark
azure lark
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thankyou

cinder cove
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I want to do this and that but I have to accept it the moment it doesn’t go my way

novel quarry
azure lark
cinder cove
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He should be in touch with reality

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Rn he is in his own head

azure lark
glad needle
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Sounds like he has some major self-esteem issues... probably derived from his upbringing....

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Honestly I would suggest just supporting him as much as you can and listening. Not every problem can be solved with words and logic....

The suggestions you made to him are good ones, and valid... however he may not be in a receptive headspace

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So sometimes just listening and being there for him when he needs to vent what he is feeling is enough, and these things take time.

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WHat do you think?

azure lark
glad needle
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Can I make a suggestion?

azure lark
glad needle
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Take him out somewhere, possibly in nature or somewhere he loves. Make it super easy for him to just relax and let and take his mind away from LITERALLY EVERYTHING. Butterfly conservatory.... beach somewhere.... somehwere breathtakin... and just show him love and affection and give him peace

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Can you do that?

azure lark
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i would have loved to say i could

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but we live in the middle east right now

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i havent seen him since the start of march

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i was supposed to go out with him but atm its not possible

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especially when he lives 30 minutes away from me

glad needle
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Well... there's an idea that I tend to live by and it's very simple. It's not easy, it's just simple. It goes like this....

If I can control it, I will allow myself to care. I I can't control it, I will protect myself and try to not let it affect me.
WHat do you think?

azure lark
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he cant helpnit at all

glad needle
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I mean for you!

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Not him

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You obviously care about him a lot, and want what's best for him.
"i was supposed to go out with him but atm its not possible"

Sometimes what we want to do and what we can actually do don't align.... it sucks!

You have to protect yourself in a way so that you don't lose yourself trying so hard to do something that isn't possible.

uncut saffron
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I think I understand where your boyfriend is coming from. Last year I was a member of the student leadership council. I would focus a lot on other people and their good qualities instead of my own good qualities and that put me down a lot and made me feel like I didn't deserve the position I was in.

You said your boyfriend is top of his class but his self-esteem is also really low?

Well I believe that it's possible that he may not be focusing on his own good qualities that make him such a bright student. It could be possible that he compares himself or it's just possible that his self esteem is low to the point where he does not consider his good qualities which demotivates him to do work.

I also experienced a lot of importer syndrome, where I believed I was not worthy for my position on the student council despite people saying things like "you were the only person I could see in this position". I would question what this is all for and at times I would not want to do work.

In that case, imposter syndrome is less of an external conflict and more of an internal one. Imposter syndrome is pretty much when you feel undeserving or feel like a fraud despite evidence suggesting that you are not. Imposter syndrome also attributes luck to success rather than skill.

It's possible that he feels that way since he is top of his year.

Do you think it's possible he feels that way?

azure lark
azure lark
uncut saffron
# azure lark i think its very possible he does feel that way ut seems pretty similar

I see. If you're comfortable enough I think you could bring up the whole imposter syndrome thing etc if you haven't and see where that conversation goes.

However it does seem like this is an internal issue and something he may need to come to terms with. The best thing you could do is be there for him which you seem to be doing already.

azure lark
uncut saffron
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I understand. I agree with what the other people have been saying on this channel, I think the best thing you can do is support him and be there for him.

azure lark