jays journal | The Therapy Center | Page 1

hard crater Mar 5, 2026, 4:28 AM

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Had a field trip today, kind of down during it. Had some fun i guess with friends and laughed a bit but felt left out quite a little.
Guess thats what I get for being antisocial.

During the bus ride my friend fell asleep on my shoulder, kind of hated it. I suggested it as a joke, didnt think she'd actually do it.

i hate physical touch.

I'm recently 9 months clean of sh, had some moments where I almost did it again. Thoughts are getting a little more aggressive, unfortunately. School is getting to me again.

I don't know when I'll talk to someone about it, probably never. I hate talking about myself, even when it gets too much I'm always there for people more then myself.

I currently feel dizzy right now, hating it. I don't know why, i ate food (i guess.), drank water, and im just calmly laying down now.

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I geniunely feel like if i dont vent to people they wont worry about me, i like keeping people happy but recently its getting too much for me ;((

hard crater Mar 5, 2026, 5:13 AM

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Turns out my knee is bruised, lowkey hurts and i cant lay on it ;((, slipping on those stairs lowkey hurt

hard crater Mar 5, 2026, 3:08 PM

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i just woke up, already hating it

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i feel all weird and nauseous whenever i stretch my back

hard crater Mar 5, 2026, 4:46 PM

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I burned myself with hot glue nooo

hard crater Mar 5, 2026, 6:53 PM

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had to put a warm washcloth under my arm, frickin hurts & idk why 😠

hard crater Mar 5, 2026, 8:48 PM

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Lowkey feeling like shit today, never wanted to punch my grandma more then i ever have right then and there.

hard crater Mar 5, 2026, 11:07 PM

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grandma came in my room, judged the shit out of it, i hate her

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like

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can she lowkey gtfo

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nooo

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i dont go into your room and judge it?

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So why do it to my room?

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ug

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also puppy.. ;3

hard crater Mar 6, 2026, 1:37 AM

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im geniunely so overwhelmed

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i have like so many missing assignments to do

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ima gonna try to do them tonight

hard crater Mar 6, 2026, 5:07 AM

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i do not want to stay up doing homework tonight

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all this just because of my mental health

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all these missing assignments just because im a disappointment

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why cant i be better like my brother

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cant i just be normal?

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i hate myself

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i hate everyone else

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except the people i know

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how do i be better?

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Should i just throw away my entire personality and create a new one? What the hell is wrong with me.

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im so done

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i might just do it again

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to feel something real

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my friends just spoke to me

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i feel a little better

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jack is help

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hes nice

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i am confused by someone else though.

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??

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what does this guy mean by 'welcome to the therapy center' m

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??

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ive been here for awhile.

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how is someone gonna do that

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huh?

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i dont understand

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they confused me so bad

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ill do my homework later.

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i dont care about it right now.

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i like this song

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oblivion by grimes

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wtf do my parents expect out of me cause i can barely keep my grades above a C

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im trying

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but

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theyre limit is a C

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anything under or close too i have to fix

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I CANT DO THAT

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I CANT EVEN DO MY HOMEWORK RIGHT AND YOU EXPECT THAT FROM ME??

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why dont you just get another kid.

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im not fit for this

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im so sick

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how do i ask for help

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i mean

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i cant

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i already had therapy, didnt do ANYTHING.

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i wanted to talk to my therapist about my

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||Self harm||

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but i guess i couldnt

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the only people i feel safe around in this server

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are vilify, jack, hudson, star and vanessa

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i dont even know them that well

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vilify kind of basically adopted me so hes cool. really cool tbh.

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jack is well, jack. Jack is like Vil, cool and funny

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Hudson is comfortable, i like them because they understand me

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Star is nice, not reallly close eith them but

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nice

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Vanessa.. vanessa is really kind.

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I gotta say Hudson, Jack, and Vilipapa r my favorites.

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i might go to bed

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i dont knkw

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i still have to do those assignments.

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im sorry mom and dad

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i dont mean to disappoint you

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or anyone else

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i hope you enjoy my brother more then me.

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i really wish my friend was here

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he'd know what to say..

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but

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i was a burden

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it doesnt matter anyways.

hard crater Mar 6, 2026, 5:57 AM

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im sobbing so hard right now

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why is everything so god damn difficult

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i cant

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i just cant do this anymore

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i feel like doing it again

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its just one hidden pocket away

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then ill be able to feel something real again.

hard crater Mar 6, 2026, 1:33 PM

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i ended up not relapsing

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so

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winner winner i guess?

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idk

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jack helped a little

hard crater Mar 6, 2026, 9:09 PM

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ssitting in the parking lot of the frickin school

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LET ME OUT

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GRRR

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CAN MY BROTHER HURRY UP

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😖

hard crater Mar 6, 2026, 10:28 PM

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my dog is fat

hard crater Mar 6, 2026, 11:30 PM

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my grandma just yelled at me.

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i hate her

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i hate school

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I KNOW I HAVE SIX MISSING ASSIGNMENTS.

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JUST LEAVE ME ALONE

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im so overwhelmed i hate it

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im just gonna start crying

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its my fault anyways

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i get distracted and dont do them

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im gonna get grounded

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cant i just be left alone

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i might do it again so i have something i can feel

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i don't know

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im just so sick and tired of it all

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i dont wanna live in this house anymore

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just get me out

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i hate myself

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why cant i just do anything right

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im sobbing so hard i hate this

hard crater Mar 7, 2026, 12:58 AM

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when my mom gets home im just gonna tell her about my assignments and how I've been struggling with them

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im dont lying

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Done

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im just gonna admit im struggling with them

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I wont tell her any more

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puppy makes me feel better.

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i love pupoy

hard crater Mar 7, 2026, 1:33 AM

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im so done.

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everyone is disappointed

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my grandma

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my mom

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think about what my dad will think.

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i think if be better off dead

hard crater Mar 7, 2026, 6:23 AM

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kind of feeling a little antisocial now

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i think

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my social energy is running out for the night

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ifk

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idk

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;p

hard crater Mar 8, 2026, 3:51 AM

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people were talking abt sh in main chat

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lowkey tried not to get triggered;[

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im getting better!

hard crater Mar 8, 2026, 7:22 AM

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sigh.

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so

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today was lowket mid

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I had seafood buffet, i had a couple plates so now im feeling insecure

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And earlier someone made a joke i didnt rlly think was funny

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im lowkey running out of energy rn;(

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But, this was puppy today ;3

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Kids were ding dong ditching ;((

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Woke me up just as i fell asleep

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My dad is downstairs now

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Ready to scare them with a flashlight

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Surfboard Holley then night night

hard crater Mar 8, 2026, 8:01 AM

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day 896 without my papa.

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i miss him

hard crater Mar 8, 2026, 8:51 AM

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noodle doggy

hard crater Mar 8, 2026, 10:33 AM

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frickin time change

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im so sleepy but i cant sleep yet

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i miss my best friend

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its been almost 3 months without him

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he and i used to be so close

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i miss him so much ☹️

hard crater Mar 8, 2026, 7:27 PM

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My LEDS under my bed broke ;((

hard crater Mar 8, 2026, 7:28 PM

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hard crater noodle doggy

The purple under my bed is where my LEDs ar

hard crater Mar 8, 2026, 8:48 PM

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i just thought of losing my dad & now im crying

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i dont think i could live without my dad

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i love him so much

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i kind of like

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lowkey sobbed so hard until i couldnt breathe in the shower

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thats how much id miss my dad if he died

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i love my dad so much

hard crater Mar 8, 2026, 11:14 PM

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i sleepy sleepy nap time

hard crater Mar 8, 2026, 11:52 PM

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just bought some beads

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heck ya

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theyre coming tmrw tho 😠

hard crater Mar 9, 2026, 12:53 AM

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why do i do this to myself 😭

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its stamps btw

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they stained

hard crater Mar 9, 2026, 3:12 AM

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ive lowkey been thinking of relapsing

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ive come so far

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but it doesnt feel like it

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how come i can help ppl with their struggles but

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I cant even deal with my own

hard crater Mar 9, 2026, 5:23 AM

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i feel like

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im not a good person

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ppl tell me how they think of me and

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i just think its not true

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im not kind

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im not really a 'nice' person in ny opinion

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i just act the way i think i should act in a moment, like

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if someones being happy ill be happy

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but

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i dont have necessary feelings

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most of it is neutral i suppose

hard crater Mar 9, 2026, 7:06 AM

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i spoke to a friend

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kewlll

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butttt

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nottujh

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imsiryired

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im ginna hot onbed soo

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sosn

hard crater Mar 9, 2026, 8:36 PM

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im lowkey grounded

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but

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BEADS

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YAYYY I LOVE BEADSSS

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I LOVE IT SO FUCKCING MUCHC

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GARAARAHAGSHSA

hard crater Mar 10, 2026, 4:52 AM

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didnt feel that good today

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even tho i got the beads

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im kind of feeling.. worse i guess i dont knkw

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i mean i love my friends and all, & the people i talk too and my gf & family but

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idk how much longer bro

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i hope long enough

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i had to try and convince someone to not fucking kill theyrselves last night

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im too young to be trying to convince people out of that

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Ive been doing it since i was 10-11 years old

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i mean i get it, if theyre close with me

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But someone i barely know?.. god

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It was so hard

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I had to tell someone about it, i had to tell someone i trusted cause i was low-key so overwhelmed

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why am i doing this

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maybe if i just stopped acting like the way i do now maybe i could get better

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but no im out here trying to help people

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im giving up

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i cant keep helping people with stuff i cant control

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i can only comfort them and wish for the best

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mmh feel weird

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kind if woozy

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like im floating

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head feels light

hard crater Mar 10, 2026, 7:47 AM

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i started a trans cuff

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Only got this far when i got scared shitless

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rotator cuff

hard crater Mar 10, 2026, 2:06 PM

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can my mom leave me alone like no i dont want to participate in dressing up for school

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LEAVE ME ALON

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nooo

hard crater Mar 10, 2026, 9:42 PM

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muffins..

hard crater Mar 11, 2026, 5:34 AM

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im low-key hungry but i dont wanna eat

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I hate eating

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eating makes me feel like yhe fattest person on earth.

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cant i be like the others? not the one who takes up space but to give space?

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bead confetti!!

jokes over why is thr main color i see yellow i geniunely hate it.

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its like yheres more yelloe yhen any other color

hard crater Mar 11, 2026, 6:08 AM

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i literally feel like sobbing

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but it wont come out

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am i stuck

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all the yellow out of the entire bucket btw.

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it disgusts me

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i feel so sick

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whats wrong with me

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i feel like im gonna throw up

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Time to put on the fake 'im okay' face.

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i loved the differences between me and my gfs pfps

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shes so silly

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i love that she matches ghe star in my name

hard crater Mar 11, 2026, 4:18 PM

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geniunely crashing tf out

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I DON'T WANNA DO THISS 😭😭

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I wanna eat food ;((

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i feel like if i dont get at least a nap in today im gonna pass out

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i feel so dizzy rn

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my body feels light and im basically falling asleep sitting or standing up

hard crater Mar 11, 2026, 7:04 PM

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geniunelly gona crryyy

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my cramps actuy hrt so badd..

hard crater Mar 11, 2026, 10:18 PM

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ok ya now im crying

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i jst saw something that reminded me of ny grandpas funeral

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i actually miss him so fucking much

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why cant he still be here

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i always wait for the 'how was school ' in his voice whenever i get home knowing ill never hear it again

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he wouldve been 76 this yr.

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i miss him

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i miss him so much

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hes been gone

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for 3 years

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i wish i couldve just seen him one last time before he left

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given him one last hug

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i couldnt even look at him without crying in his bed at rehab

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i feel so bad

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i just wish it could've been different

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ok

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jokes fucking over

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give me the people i love back

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do you think if i was older stuff wouldve been different.

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im scared

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just scared

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Of losing more people

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I fear of losing another friend or family member each day

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especially my dad

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i love my dad

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i wanna see him but hes at work.

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i love my dad

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❤️

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holley so small..

hard crater Mar 11, 2026, 10:55 PM

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ok but the way i got uncomfortable at this and didnt speak up kills me

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WOMAN YOUR WAY TO CLOSE PEPPER SPRAAYYTY

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hard crater Mar 11, 2026, 11:22 PM

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sighh..

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going invisiblee

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gonna lurk between servers

hard crater Mar 12, 2026, 12:01 AM

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im so tired

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howd she notice

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wtf

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nooo

hard crater Mar 12, 2026, 4:28 AM

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puppyyyypaawwwe

hard crater Mar 12, 2026, 6:54 AM

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ok so.

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words cannot describe how badly this made me sick

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like

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why tf would you ask that.

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i get youd be hurting

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but

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its triggering asf.

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☹️

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im so sick to m yystlamch now

hard crater Mar 12, 2026, 4:10 PM

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this is so funny out of context😭😭

hard crater Mar 12, 2026, 6:23 PM

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i made more friends finally

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im talking to more people

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my favorite people are hudson jack vanessa & vilify in this server

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they bring me joy

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joy!

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heh

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blamite needles..

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good god

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i love halo

hard crater Mar 12, 2026, 9:03 PM

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why they look like potatoe

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wasnt even that good

hard crater Mar 12, 2026, 11:48 PM

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holley got yelled at

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jejeje

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nooo

hard crater Mar 13, 2026, 2:46 AM

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i barely know this guy but i love him

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also this is so me

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i love it

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i akways lurk

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JENEJAJEJJAKEJA

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.

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sorry

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im gijg crazy

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grr.. hudson i see you

hard crater Mar 13, 2026, 2:48 AM

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hard crater i barely know this guy but i love him

THE TONGUE EMOJI??

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KM CRYING

hard crater Mar 13, 2026, 3:05 AM

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ok im crying

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why is 3 ppl texting me at once.

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this is overstimulating me

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SHUT THE HELL UP

hard crater Mar 13, 2026, 4:04 AM

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its Friday the 13th tmrw

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ggs

hard crater Mar 13, 2026, 5:51 AM

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puppy paww

hard crater Mar 13, 2026, 11:40 AM

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its 4:40AM.. im so tired..

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but nnooo

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Holley had to wake me up..

hard crater Mar 13, 2026, 7:18 PM

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i low-key cried a little in 4th period because of my grades

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;((

hard crater Mar 13, 2026, 8:54 PM

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bleh..

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im getting a headache

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puppy..

hard crater Mar 14, 2026, 12:23 AM

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i forgot to eat food..

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i fell asleep for like 2 hrs

hard crater Mar 14, 2026, 1:30 AM

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my aunties dog passed away.

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i fucking loved that dog

hard crater Mar 14, 2026, 2:10 PM

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finished the base of this cuff.

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i dont wanna be awake rn.

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its like..

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7:11AM.

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😭

hard crater Mar 14, 2026, 8:00 PM

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im so sick of this household

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mainly because of my goddamn grandma.

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i hate her.

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She KNEW my aunties dog passed

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we ralked about it last night

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and now shes all fuckin mad cause she 'wasnt' told

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You were at the goddamn table when we discussed it.

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Shes said so manny timmess 'im moving out.'

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WHEN

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WHEBTO

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YOU SAID THAT

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FIVE TIMES IN THE LAST YEAR

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WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE

hard crater Mar 14, 2026, 8:25 PM

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just a guy who likes hello kitty..

hard crater Mar 14, 2026, 8:40 PM

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hard crater just a guy who likes hello kitty..

pfp completely different rhen phone

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jesus christ

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nooo

hard crater Mar 15, 2026, 1:40 AM

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my claustrophobia is literally triggering so much rn

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im cramped up in the fucking corner of this booth

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in this restaurant

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im crying my grandma is fucking smothering me

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shes sstealing my fuckin ice cream.

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im so done with her

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GIVE ME MY FUCKING ICE CREAM BACK

hard crater Mar 15, 2026, 2:08 AM

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these blinds are pissing me off

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I'm gonna rip them out of the damn wall and shove them up someones bum

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i hate them

hard crater Mar 15, 2026, 3:09 PM

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i fell asleep 30 minutes after we got home

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i couldnt stand it anymore

hard crater Mar 15, 2026, 10:55 PM

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i miss my old friend.

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i miss him so much rn

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he left so suddenly

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i couldn't t process it

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now im playing an old game we used to play

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it doesnt feel the same

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i fucking miss him

hard crater Mar 16, 2026, 4:04 AM

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my friend who lives in the red zone for the tornado is worrying the shit out of me

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idgaf if your saying 'if i dont respond in ___' girl, ill wait for you to respond even if it means you wont

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i wait for fucking everyone

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im still waiting for my best friend to come back knowing he never will

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I just hope she'll be safe

hard crater Mar 16, 2026, 2:59 PM

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sighh

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just woke up

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i was on a call with jack last night

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even tho it was like

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silent almost ALL the tim

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but thats ok

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;p

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I love buddha

hard crater Mar 16, 2026, 5:58 PM

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his hair is finally done omv

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UG WHY IS IT SO HARD

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SOBS

hard crater Mar 16, 2026, 6:19 PM

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finished him

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Time to color in!

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is it bad

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i can still remember his hands on my thighs

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even though he didnt do anything bad i just feel them

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and everytime i see him in class i get disgusted

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how do i get it off my mind

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it just

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comes back to me

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at the randomest times

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||his lips on my fucking neck||

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||the inner thigh touches||

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i cant

hard crater Mar 16, 2026, 9:37 PM

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sigh

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so

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after abt

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30 mins of self mute at first

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j felt a little better

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more composed

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i did about an hour, now im sleepy

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idk if i might selfmute for another 30-50 min

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eh why not

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time for another 50 min self mute! ;3

#jays journal