I read smth idk but about self abandonment
So I'm abandoned myself?
#Journal
rigid gull
It's not they only I'm hurting myself too?
It was not only them but me also?
Did I always put myself in the last?
Out of fear
Just Bec of the fear of losing I lost myself
How I blame them ? When I was not even good to myself I ignored myself so much
They were just treating me like I do treat badly?
Now I have left nothing
Why I don't do the things what I like
When I'll be selfish
Like them
I'm so tired of this burden
I just became what they want to see not who I was
They never accepted me or I never accepted myself
My head is really hurting like someone hitting me with hammer
Why life is difficult
Or maybe I make it
I'm tired of everything
I wish I was never born
Where acceptance and rejection, judgement about you without thinking, where men are more important than women, where they make u feel bad about everyday about yourself, where if you stand up they call you toxic feminist, where if you're nice and good they'll happy, then when your don't tolerate their shit your rude and bad, I wish I was never born in this
Where's no sense of right or wrong, have no empathy, where they're wearing good mask for outsider but inside home abusive I wish I was never born in cruel world
Where ppl like you when you adjust urself for them while they never cared about, where there peace matters more than you , where your just too much, where if you tell your mom about bad behavior she Will scold you , where you was never allowed to have needs Bec others matter more, where there was no self trust, where there was nothing
Maybe it's my fault that I born like that?
Where there's only hate , injustice, abuse
I hate everything
I'm tired of myself
rigid gull
Idk what I m doing maybe Idc about anything
I'm tired of hiding, running
Why I'm doing
Do I like that prison
It's not ppl it's feeling like me my thoughts
Why even I'm afraid to do
You can do everything still your waiting wasting
The damage your afraid from might have already happened
Don't you realize yet?
Or do you?
Why I'm I'm being blind even I can see maybe Idc?
Do I really don't?
Or maybe I start liking my own prison?
I'm so used to?
That I don't want to go it's pointless to do anything
I just feel hopeless and pointless whats the point of doing anything
Playing the same game same things the end can be either you'll lose or u'll win
But I feel I don't care about win or lose anymore
Or should I care?
rigid gull
What you think you're the only who was hurt?
You hurted me first you was a liars always lied to me , always vent your shit on me like I was your punching bag I hate you I hate you only
I hate everyone who used me
Only for their things
What your think your the only human?
Others are ur toy's
I hate you only
rigid gull
Why no one understands why no one likes how much I explain it'll just ruin
They just ruin it with judgments , criticism
Why they don't understand if I'm crying and explaining Bec I also want to listen smth good why all my effort just ruin by ur hands, voice in secs
I don't want to listen any criticism I just want them to like me
I change myself for that
But still I get disappoints
I feel like a dead person sometimes I just hate myself why I'm like that, I feel like my heart will stop beating it's feel too heavy on my chest
My mom said yesterday to me
I can't say things to ur sibling Bec he don't tolerate and is dangerous she's afraid of him
But she said I said wrong things,Bec you don't say things like him
I felt she's doing Bec I'm weak?
Tolerate her shitty behavior towards me
I thought once she might only love her son
But now I think she don't love us but only herself
If my sibling was weak too she treats him the same maybe
I hate her I hate everyone ig I'm feeling bad
rigid gull
I hate them
rigid gull
I'm tired
rigid gull
I feeling not well I woke up it's just weird feeling
rigid gull
I think she hates me whenever I talk she start talking too interrupt me in between and continue her talk instead of listening me
I always listen to her but she always do this Bec she doesn't want to listen
I sometimes think I told her many times
Even explain my things, try to fix
But I think I shouldn't do this
If she does I just should stop talking and leave
Bec whatever I do in the end
She'll blame me and my behavior then I just questioning myself and my behavior like I'm the problem
I think It was never about me I always question my worth Bec of her behavior towards me I always blamed me it's my fault but it was not me
I tell myself many times still I feel bad when she do this
Her behavior is so destructive and she does know
I always say I wouldn't talk to her but in the end I talk
I just think in the end it's my fault if I wasn't like that she would treat me good but she would never be happy even my dad me my sibling she's the only one right maybe I hate her
I just always confuse who is good right or wrong but her behavior is her issue not mine
It's her problem not mine
I'm just so tired exhausted
Some ppl never reflect maybe just need someone to blame don't have empathy too maybe she never tried to understand what I'm saying or maybe she never wanted to, it sometimes feels like I'm talking to a wall who doesn't listen
Don't understand maybe maybe do understand but never cared enough
It really hurts me
If I say it hurts me or cry she criticize more like it's my fault I'm crying
I hate her
Whenever I try to explain or do argument she ignore me act like she's not listening
She's really a bad
I just crying
If I failed in my exams few years ago how much she'll gonna punish me
She was never satisfied whatever I did according to them I changed myself
But now I'm tired from them now I'll do whatever I want to do even I get fail but I wouldn't do anything she or they want they already made me feel like powerless helpless full of control am I even a human for them? What they think me? Who the fuck I'm? I hate you
rigid gull
||I just feel I'll die I don't want to alive||
||What is the point of living and doing same things why do we make relationship when it'll be ruin and gonna end what's the point of these why would I do anything if I get fail even I'll do good I don't want it I just want peace and it'll only happen then||
||I'm feel disappointedfrom life myself ppl I don't like anything I don't want anything leave me alone I hate this life I hate the ppl I hate everything I feel like I ruined everything||
||I don't have any energy to fix it I don't want to I hate it I don't I'm tired||
||I'm just overwhelmed wouldn't really die I just think always to end I'm tired from myself I'm really tired I'm really tired||
Every person who know evtuelly take advantage me like I'm useful then useless I'm feel like breathless with those ppl like when I sleep there I don't sleeping I just lying thinking about past I can't sleep even one day I feel like
I never felt safe there
I feel like breathless
I just feel drained whenever I spend my time there I don't feel good there I don't want to live with them I hate them
rigid gull
I'm tired
I don't know how to manage or focus on things I feel like I can't do anything
Nobody talks too I talk like a fool
I'm tired of everything
No one likes me maybe
I'm sad
I miss you but I hate you now
You was nothing but a liar always lied to me about things
I always listened to you but what you did?
You was just acting like it was all true gaining smpthay wasting my energy to make you feel better
I feel like I was nothing but a punching bag or someone you can tell your things
What i was if I didn'jt listen to you
I hate you , you used me for your purpose even you knew I was suffering
That's what a friend do?
I listened to you while I was unstable and you crossed your limits I hate you
I don't actually miss you but I miss that person I thought in my mind about you but I wasn't aware of ur reality
You broke me I feel dead empty hopeless don't want to alive
I was there in hope maybe but I'm just delusional
I hate you
I tried so hard leave me but I lost you also I lost myself too
Sometimes I just think ppl are not like that but you showed how they're you showed everything
but no one is good everyone is same
I start seeing the things I wasn't aware before
In ppl behavior I once thought it's not like that
rigid gull
Im hopeless powerless so tired of everything I hate everything everyone I hate life
If you wasn't in my life I wasn't like that
I hate u
rigid gull
I don't want to live there
I don't live there
I don't want to live yyere
I hate them
I hate them
I hate them 😭
rigid gull
No one cares
Everyone is same
Are they're really same
I once thought they r good
Why I thought that
Why I'm like that
Why
I want to become like them
They made me feel like really bad 😭
I really care about them but they only care Bec they wanted smth
I maybe don't deserve anything
I only deserve pain maybe
No one likes me
They hate me
They don't care about
I don't want to do anything
I'm tired of everything
I hate everything 😭
I want to sleep forever
||I wish I would never wake up I'll die||
||I'm tired of myself||
||Im tired of myself I'm tired of this burden I'm carrying from so long||
I hate those routines doing everything same everyday why do we need to do everything everyday same things I don't want to do
Why do I eat every day why do I work I don't want to do anything
I don't want to do anything I hate it
I don't want to live with them I just want to run away from everything
Work friend anything everything
It's all useless pointless
Why would I do hard work for things
I wouldn't do anything
I don't want
Why I have to do everything
In family
They never take outside just do study work solve their fights
I just have phn to use
I see others doing whatever they like but it just happened once
Whenever I start to do
I just don't do it idk why
They punishing me for being stubborn
Maybe I'm
I'm too lazy
I just don't want any responsibility I feel like
I want to be free
From these
I feel tired
I want to spend my day like I did once in childhood I hate being adult
I'm so tired of being adult
I feel like I want to run away from all these things
When ur a child you don't have to worry about anything you don't have to solve any fight think before doing anything go anywhere you want no gender thing keep u stuck in home cuz ur child
But I think I did solve fights even I don't wanted to I stopped dancing doing makeup Bec of judging eyes bad words made u feel shame like ur doing bad
You just shape urself according to ur environment
It's so tiring
Changing urself
It feels like u lost urself not once
Ppl still don't care
Now I'll do whatever I want
I don't care about anything
I wouldn't do what they want
I don't want to do
I just feel like only thing to draw smth
While playing music
I feel tired too
But I never said I wouldn't do that I just do everytime
In a different way
I sometimes don't my art too but I just skip and draw smth I like
Even I have nothing I feel bad hurt but I feel better after drawing smth
It feels like I'm doing smth I want to do
I made my accounts I'll do I hope it just work
I just don't like when they ask me to go and study
I don't like
I think I'll do Bec they're punishing me , or I'll make friend but this friend is just fake Bec no one is good they're fake
I feel like they force me to study again and I hate it especially my mom idk why she doesn't like when I draw always finding mistakes in my art
I just hate her when she do
She said your being stubborn but I just hate it I don't want to do boring stuff I don't like
I sometimes think do I really hate it idk or art is just escape or more easy and intesti
I just want to do what I like but Bec of their shitty behavior I feel forced to choose
Idk what I want to do in the end I just keep thinking and make myself tired more
I just want to sleep
Overthinking cry and sleep or sometimes I can't sleep
They just confuse me
I'll just do this if not work then I'll think idk
I hate that
Idk
Idk
Don't ask
rigid gull
I wake up I wasn't able to sleep but I turn on piano. It. Just made me sleep
Today I just go there and I wouldn't talk
It's so hot they sleep in ac and me here I wish I could do the things I liked but my mom was never with me she is only his mom my sibling
I realized my dad is good with me but I was so focused on them I didn't realize his behavior
Is it Bec he wants smth from me
My sibling said he's good with you maybe he want smth but idk
My mom seems jaelous when my dad treat me good Bec her dad never did
They always said if you tell your things to him he take advantage
And he's like that but I feel like I'm in the middle standing
My mom and sibling one side and him one side and I just feel like stuck exhausted being there
I don't know who's good or bad but I'm tired I just know
And will leave both sides
I hate both of them
Both just using me for their benefits
Im tired of their hypocrisy
I'm just feeling tired
I never thought reality is difficult ppl are not like that
What you thought once
I thought but anyways
I'm overthinking again
They are cruel
rigid gull
Idk what I'm doing here I have to complete few steps but I'm here finding someone to talk to I just am avoiding?
And I'm sleepy too even I just awake I was up then slept now again I'm sleepy
I just want to sleep forever
I'm tired
I wake up to do smth but I m sleep àgainmo
Why it's so difficult to do that it just someone saying inside I don't want to do
I sometimes start work but I just end up crying cuz I don't want to do
Am I really lazy?
I just want to run away from there
To leave things
But where I'll go
||Or just think to cut myself||I'll be free from all stuff
||But I'm not sure I'll die or not if I stay alive things will be worse if I not then it's okay||
||But whenever I think it's painful I just stop I wish someone else do that for me ||
||I sometimes think to steal my sibling r gun but idk where is it ||
Why I can't do anything
I should just sleep
I'm tired of thinking
rigid gull
I miss my old friends but everyone is gone everyone stay at a specific time then disappear like never met do they forgt that easily or maybe they're find more good ppl I just hope they stay happy even some of them I hate it
Few were good or few bad
Why do I always lose them
Even I try not to
Maybe I'm really bad?
Why ppl just come and go
Everything just disappear
I know new ppl will disappear too
What's the point of that
Why I have to learn every lesson I don't want to learn
What's the point of doing anything
What is the point of start anything
This is fake place full of illusions
What we see they ain't that
It's all fake
rigid gull
She give her a lot of cash
She only care about him and she doesn't have any money for me she doesn't take me anywhere Bec of this it's just her excuses for me
What I lacked? That she doesn't care about me
But when my dad take my side they get jaelous both of them my sibling and my mom
She said today he is making u rebel
He was taking side for me
Bec my sibling said why you going there in event
What's the need and he always do this I don't answer him but my mom do my mom always tell him everything of mine give him too much importance and in the end he just want to control me
My dad just said it's your life
Did we ever asked from him where u were in night
My sibling)
So do whatever you like
And my mom said he's making u rebel cuz he took my side
I felt someone said for me too took my side
But I realized she doesn't want me to feel good and feel I have someone who support me Bec her own dad wasn't good now she's jaelous of me
I don't trust him Bec he was not good in my childhood but now how he is good? For me
They're all same just want to use me for their benefits
She always ignored me I feel like I'm invisible
She always rejected what I liked to do
Why I never realized she was never good
I was just always confused
Why I didn't realize my life is not good Bec of my mom and sibling too
I only thought him bad
But they're not good too
Worse than him
I don't know about him
Is he really good or care about me
Now I realize whenever my dad do good thing my mom said it's I said to me
She always give credit to herself if my dad do good with me
I remember she said the same when it was my Aunt thing
Why she make me realize that if someone is good with you it's Bec of I said to them not Bec of you
Like telling me your not that Worthy of care
Maybe that's why I feel sus when someone care
I feel confuse
Why they make me your not that important or good enough 💔
Why they break my heart everyday
What is my fault?
rigid gull
Idk I feel hate for myself I feel like if I weren't like that they wouldn't treat me like that
||I sometimes feel to kill myself cut myself give myself physical pain||
No one would treat me like that if I wasn't like that
Why I'm like that?
Why I'm so idiot
A loser
I feel frustration on myself
I hate myself
||Why I don't just die||
rigid gull
I'm tired I made myself busy in work so I wouldn't think anything
I don't even remember what happened today now I'll just stay busy in my things
I wish there was delete button in my self I just click and delete everything
I want to remove every memory
rigid gull
It's so hot here I have fever I want to drink smth cool or eat like ice cream
I feel pain in my shoulder
I wish someone come and gimme cool water
I'm here they're in ac if they treat me better I was there too I'll leave them
I hate them
Whenever I went there they fought slapp me I was tired of everyday drama
When they think I'm here they come and said we wouldn't do again but they did again and again now even I'm feel like it's hell for me but it's better without them even I'll die from fever I wouldn't go there
They took me for granted everytime
They cross every limit
I'll leave them
I'm so tired 😭
||I wish I'll die||
rigid gull
I really miss you
Idk why you stuck in my mind I just cry when I really miss someone even I hate you
I feel really sad
No one ever understand me they would never understand
I wish they did
I thought someone finally understand me wouldn't take me for granted would treat me better
I'm not disappointed from them I'm disappointed from myself why I even thought
Why would someone understand you why would they will care , didn't you know that? Why you was pretending like you don't know anything?
Maybe I was waiting they'll understand just created hope from stranger
I was tired maybe
No one cares bout u
Even ur family
Why?
Am I really bad
rigid gull
I'm exhausted
I think I over work
I didn't sleep yet
Me just procrastinating in sleep too ig
rigid gull
I can't believe I got so many ppl on just one post I feel hope a little feel like maybe I'll do stuff
rigid gull
I was happy about it I got few follower
But I tell my mom she said it's not ur work ppl saw ur hands
I hate her thinking she thinks if someone is supporting me it's Bec of my hands in my art not Bec of my art
She was jaelous then in the end she fought with me for no reason and said I hope you'll never be successful like cursing me in a abusive way
She ruined my happiness into sadness I feel like crying
Why I even I told her
I thought maybe she will be happy
But I forgot she hates me
She doesn't like when I do things Bec she always compare herself too with me
Idk she think if someone is supporting that's not Bec of my work
She just want me to doubt on my work and don't do that
I hate her 💔
I'll never tell my anything
That's why I feel most hopeless when you're own mom feel jaelous and doesn't like seeing you successful she like when I'm hurting I realize she ruin my happiness just Bec she like to hurt me and feel big
I hate her
And her son
I hate them
I feel like hurting myself
Why I even born here
She doesn't like Bec I'm doing what I like I'm not what she wanted me to do
I'm doing art
I don't like studying
If she had dreams she should complete them why forcing me to fulfill her dreams
She once said I never studied so you should it was my dream
Bruh if you didn't complete your own dream it was your not mine
Why she doesn't understand I have my own life I'm separate being with different identity
I'm not her to complete her dreams for herself
If you want just go and do it
Why making me feel guilt to do smth I like
I hate her
I think she is narcissist
rigid gull
When I was student she always had issue why I use phone and watch TV then she fought with me once that day my dad slapped me Bec of her
He was outside I was argument in loud voice and he came back slapped me I then never watched tv I just start living in a separate room sometimes she share hot spot but almost I just listened radio on my phone I had no internet no TV
She did Bec she said once and during fight too her sister never let her watch tv in her home
Her family was abusive and it feels like she's taking revenge on me Bec of my dad too
She is doing whatever her family did
She told me she live in a roof
And she did fight and all the stuff to make me separate
I don't live there I sleep in store room
In summer or in winter both
What she wants more ? To make me marry like her family did to her?
That's why she doesn't want me to do smth
She expects me to study without any entertainment
I was student who play but do study too before few months of exams
Why she didn't understand I was average student Bec of her things I got failed average student to fail
I was living in store room I never slept at night in summer and in school how I'll go there when u up all night I skipped my school classes I become time by time one day. There store room fall Bec it's old
I could die that day but I'm alive somehow
They did so much that I can't explain
That day I fought with them I said I want to go hostel I don't want to live here I hate being here my dad didn't let me go she said go
That day I thought she is with me but in reality she is jaelous mom she also ran away from her home once and she wanted me to go
She seems happy when my dad was helpless she said it's karma whatever u did with me
He didn't let me go but in the end he left me in home with open doors
Then from that day I had my own internet thing Bec I lived in my grandma house for one month my mom took me there
I cried so much when I came back I don't want to
In this home I always felt helpless, hopeless, powerless, worthless
I never felt safe,I felt invisible, unloved
It Hurts when ur own mom doesn't understand even she experienced all these but she have no empathy for me she's cruel
I listened when you have been go through so much you understand other pain well but she doesn't
She never
Then my sibling I thought in my childhood I wish I had good sibling
I sometimes think problem is me not them
Sometimes ppl say too
It feels they're everyday saying you can't do anything about us
I feel hurting myself the moment I can't do anything for myself against them
I think that's why my mom is cruel and selfish now
I still understand her even she doesn't like me
But I can't expect any understanding 😔
I'm sad
rigid gull
I miss u I never wanted to leave u
rigid gull
I don't want to do anything
I don't want
I just feel like I don't want to do even I want to
For everything I feel I lost my interest
Studying playing sports even art I just do when I feel like
I don't feel like it's interesting for me
I feel like I'm losing interest in everything bit by bit it's like I say myself to do but I'm still lying down and don't want to do
If I push myself I just end up on crying Bec I feel forced to do I don't want to do
What's the point of doing anything
I don't want to do anything
I feel like it's difficult to even start
I'm irresponsible and lazy
I first failed there now I don't want to do this too
I'm tired
What's the point of doing hard work so much when they'll snatch everything from you your own ppl
I'm seeing things which made me feel like whatever you do not gonna work in end
Girl do hard work put so much effort earn money and their family take from her , her husband, if she makes home that home wouldn't be her it's on the name of family or another person or society doesn't let her live there if you earn money that's not ur if you buy smth that's not your so what's the point of doing anything when everything they'll take from you
I hate these kind of ppl
I hate everything
Why rules are different for girls just Bec your born girl that's a crime?
Being a girl is shameful
Men can do anything but you can't
Bec your fu*ki" gurl
My mom I hate her she always said this no you can't do this you can't do that your a girl I'm listening this shit from childhood I hate being a girl I hate them I hate them
I hate everything
I wish I'll leave everyone I don't want to live here
I hate these ppl their culture their unfair things
rigid gull
I'm exhaust I should stop writing here
rigid gull
I just feel like I'm the problem
Once even my friend said if everyone is wrong then ur the issue not them
rigid gull
Why do I feel bad to ask for things I need or want
Why do I abandon myself for others for their comfort, safety
Why it's too hard to fight for myself when if it means to disappoint them
Why I can't do this
Why I always disappoint myself
To make them comfortable
I erased myself
Little by little
I got disappear
Invisible
It feels like the words got stuck somewhere
Can't able to speak what I like
Why I don't put myself first
Why my over giving kindness is toxic for myself
It feels like I don't like myself only
Do I really hate myself that much
That I sacrifice myself for their comfort
Why there's fear cover my eyes mouth body
It feels like I think about others too much that I forgot I was there too
Why I always think about those who never care
Why I didn't cared about myself
I never love myself
I always did what they want it feels ur puppet
I'm tired of being puppet
Can I stop?
Without their permission
Or maybe there's no option for premission
I want to disappoint them to make myself happy
I want to also feel free without fears
I'm so tired of this cage made from fears can't I just free myself
I'm tired of living to make others happy abandon myself from everywhere
I keep hurting myself for others
Why I'm doing
Why
Why I'm living in darkness
I miss u
I lose everyone
Even myself
rigid gull
I made things but ppl here coming to be friends or their purposes idk how to find clients