Journal | The Therapy Center | Page 1

rigid gull Feb 8, 2026, 11:47 PM

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Idk why I'm doing this even I know this is not good for me or maybe I'm too tired to try ppl around me pushing to grow up
But I'm still stuck in old habits
I like to draw but I noticed Im not choosing anything daily
Even if it's work or ppl

I get tired on a moment I just escape from things not knowing why maybe I fear or

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tired
I make friends and leave
In real life I talk but try to maintain distance avoiding if they'll know me , they'll control or correct me do this or do that without bother to ask I need their advice or not

I don't need advices I'm tired of this I know the right and wrong everyone just want to see me perfect without mistakes that's why they give me advice better do this this is right

Today I said I want to straight my hairs
She said you need to put some thing otherwise you hair will ruin
I hate their over care can you shut up
I know what to do
I would destroy my hair but I won't listen to u
If I share about smth what that friend said we were just talking not close friends
She always says bad things about them trying to turn against them
If I'm going somewhere I have to check first how their moods good or bad like I want to do smth with my thoughts I'm not a toy

I start practicing it's just their opinions why I always take personally and do what they like
But today I disappoint her said no I'll do whatever I want to do

She said don't talk to them like telling me if I tell her you shouldn't talk to her or him she just said don't be my mom and wbu?
You can control but I can't?
I'll do the same just to make her realize what she is doing
I always feel drained with her and them I never felt safe the only same place is my room where I can do whatever I want here I feel like I'm dying in summers

it's like a hell and winter are extreme too I wouldn't forgive them they didn't give me the privacy or freedom didn't make me feel safe
When I see my cousin or friends they can at least do basic things
I want to tell them but there's no use Bec deep down they know what they did I feel like safe even in hell for some reason but always stuck
Idk how much I can write but I have so much I don't want to keep inside it destroying me my health
Maybe

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Things will get better
Am I stuck Bec of me or others
I think it's about account or something but after that
Will I start working on things
Will I be ever improve
I do work and things but not everyday or sometimes it feels like a day was short with few hour
Idc what'll happen am I really careless or I m ignoring from hard work
I leave some out of fear what if they see me lying to myself I do everyday
I tell everything but when the real thing starts I just disappear
Bec of family pressure sometimes or sometimes they'll know I'm careless?
I want someone to push me for things I need to do as responsibility but I hate when someone do that?
Why I'm like that
I'm just walking and walking
I work few days then again stuck in old habits scrolling sleeping all day sometimes
But recently I set my routine but idk is it permanent I sometimes get up still late Bec I sleep late
I like to watch stuff almost whole night and then sleep in day
Now I get up trying to eat twice in a day I don't comb my hair today I do after week I feel tired
Last time I cried Bec my hair got stucked in it
I just in comfort zone ig that's a big flaw I want a free life im avoiding friends Bec they'll tell me again
But now I like it but it is unhealthy hurting me destroying me still I'm choosing
I thought if I'll self aware I'll do good things but now I don't care even I'll destroy I wouldn't cry in front of them even I'm crying alone I wouldn't tell them even I need help I wouldn't ask Bec they'll criticize so I don't need anything anyone
I know it's not right but maybe this time I'll be consistent Bec I like that thing and I get so focus without counting hours or eating anything
I'm doubting myself always I'm tried of overthinking
I'll improve myself love myself I believe I can do everything
These sentences I'm repeating maybe I'll get better
I'm tired want to sleep but I'm just keeping writing it feels like even I'll sleep my hands will be here with my mind Bec it's never stopsi feel

rigid gull Feb 9, 2026, 12:04 AM

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Ppl try to fear me you'll ruin ur future
You'll get in trouble
Wdym? I'm already in it
But I just don't care with careless attitude and when things out of my hand I just regret or sometimes I don't I think I never learned from it or maybe I did
I sometimes don't care about anything about money freedom or even things I want
Like I just say what'll happen more ? Bec I already in darkness
But when things gets more worse I feel suffocated
Last time I felt like I will die
And I do feel everyday deep down
But why I'm so stubborn still
I try only when things gets too intense then I feel ohhh yeah
It's not that good
I just do start work
When things gets normal or clam
I'll do the same things and will leave the work or ppl
Then ppl around me against me also sometimes
Sometimes I feel like I'm careless or too numb to just feel or idk myself either

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I'm just thinking but why? I want solutions?
Really?
Then I'll improve?
Or will be careless

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I guess I'm waiting for the time someone come and kill me
Or idk

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I want to be consistent but I don't why just why
I again come back to there

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I have no self control or lack of self discipline

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Maybe

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Or maybe I just need someone strict enough like a army

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To give me a lesson on being consistent

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I'm talking to myself too much

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I'm giving myself candy 🍭

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Don't know why

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But I think I should

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I survive another day

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I'm giving myself reward ig

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But I want more

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Anyways

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I missing my online friends I didn't talk like two months lol
I just withdraw

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But I don't wanna go

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Or should I go

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Will they be happy after seeing me or will think look who is here a careless person

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Who doesn't care

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But I miss them

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But all of them was not my friends but still they were good

rigid gull Feb 9, 2026, 1:07 AM

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I don't want to see in others like why I'm seeing this I feel like can I just kick u out of my Brain

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Everytime I talk or see smth I feel like no this is u

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I don't want to think about old ppl

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Whyyy thhheee fuckkkkk

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It's happening

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Whyyy

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I want to vanish everything

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Like a clear all that

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I don't want to remember anyone who didn't give the fuck who didn't care

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But still it's in my mind even the whole year

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I hate it

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I'm just feel drained or try to tell myself no it's different then why u thinking it's same

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Are you ughhh

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Not again

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Yh I was fucking hate it
When you can go everywhere
I feel envy

rigid gull Feb 9, 2026, 2:11 PM

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Today we were talking and I always feel like outsider she and he team up against me
I was eating food and she always try to control my choices it's my life
She said don't eat too spicy
I said it's my health my mouth why you're dying and my brother team up they always like that
I feel like like they want to control my everything
But I ate spicy then they said look we told you to not eat now you're dying
I said so what?
It's my mouth my tongue my face why your jealous
I just feel drained
Like even I'll taste that what will happen why they over care it's their control only
When I said no
I'll eat whatever I want
Still giving me opinion
Advices did I asked from u?
Just cross their limits then I just said it's my life my choice whatever I'll eat I'm not sick
Even when I'm sick I take care of myself I don't eat spicy food
But now I'm okay then why you're advising just to control
I hate their toxic nature always trying to go in my things
Can you shut up and forgive me let me live in some peace

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When I talk about I'll buy new things
He said oh
He was jealous
I said in front of him
Why you're always jealous
My mom gave you so many phones
But I only got when I had good marks in my exams
He was not even a good student and my mom always give him money and buy him phones
When I talked about this
They both got angry and tried to change the topic
I feel just invisible
Whenever I do I'll be bad
Then what's the point of doing good for ungrateful ppl
It's better to chose myself first being selfish and ignore them
He team up with my mom Bec he likes to see how much I'll get angry it feels like he and she enjoys seeing me helpless and powerless look you can't do anything even we tease you
Do bad comments on your stuff your daily basis your choices
To make myself in doubts

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I sometimes think to leave them but first I need to do smth for myself then
I don't like to ruin my peace everyday every hour
There's no day
Where we didn't fight and stand up in peace
We sit together but leave with fight
I just go there to eat not to interact
But I still am human I do talk sometimes
When fight gets start or any argument
I just walk away

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Just Bec I don't want to ruin my peace

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I'll do my work and hope one day I'll be at peace

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It feels like no one can understand you
They just know how to make fun of you make you feel small they might think they're good big powerful
Why ppl are like that

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After that they just say we were joking your sensitive
If I get angry they get abusive

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So I try to walk away

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I should detach myself
Think them as human and we have no relationship but humanity
Then only I wouldn't feel hurt
Don't give them my reactions

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They are shallow

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I feel like

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And they don't care about peace they enjoy fights like it's their work

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I try to avoid conflict Bec small conflict turn into big

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It's just so tiring

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I think I should draw smth

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Or listen some music or eat smth or maybe talk to someone to feel better

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They just move on like nothing happened but my day they ruin

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I'm writing here Bec I feel like I have no privacy I want to write in my own diary
But my mom check things and she will read
Once she read and I feel like why she is everywhere with no boundaries just cross it
I feel like I'm changing myself to fit in
I want to write on diary but I'm not writing it
I'm writing here
They just ruin my mental peace from few things
Not having enough privacy not have permission to have my own choices
But now I'm trying to show them I can choose for myself
Even it's wrong or right I know I'll handle even if I'll not that's not your problem
Bec my needs and feelings don't matter Infront of you my happiness peace of mind
You only cared about yourself
Now I'll put myself first
I'll love myself so much that I wouldn't allow anyone to do anything bad with me

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I'm not their toy anymore so just they can control I hate it

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They said they care but they only sweet in front of others

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I remember on event my mom said don't talk to them do this do that
Like wtf
I know what to do why you're telling me I'm not a kid
And there I talked to someone and she suddenly appeared she and my friend start talking to each other in front of me
And after that she make of fun me by saying she's always like that sensitive
And lazy she I get tired from crowded places in event everyone has their own capacity but who give you the right to make of fun about that
She just comment on my dress about my study
Then they said laughing and said we are joking
My mom told her about our fights that she's disrespectful
I feel like few time ago she was my friend
Now my mom came and steal my happy moments
Why she always come wherever I go
I felt like outsider I just
Walk away
And went to restroom
I was feeling suffocated and like I'll cry
But I didn't
Bec of not look drama
Then I came back and start
Talking to my anut and sit with her
Then she come here
Too
And then my aunt took my side
And after we came back home
She said why you like your aunt some much
I feel like if I give my attention to my friend or aunt there she was jealous
Or maybe trying to control
Like it's my life
Im adult enough to know who is good or bad

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I'm just talking about every bad event or feeling
Bec I want to remove its in my mind

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If I talk about smth like my dad slapped me and you guys do that to me in past
Then she always compare my life to her
She said my dad was also abusive my mom did this also but I didn't like u
Like instead of care
I noticed comparison
Like my own mom is jealous or maybe hate me
When my dad do smth good then she said your lucky
Bruh it was your life and I have different lie I'm different person I'm your daughter
I said your time gone it's new modern era with open minded ppl
Why don't you understand
I'm not you I can't be u
Ughh why I'm explaining
I shouldn't explain myself Infront of idiots
Who just listen what they like and cut the things which they need to listen

rigid gull Feb 9, 2026, 8:46 PM

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I was awake but felt overwhelmed

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I sometimes feel like I'll explode the anger I have I'll fight like mad the hurt I felt

rigid gull Feb 9, 2026, 10:16 PM

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I'm not sensitive just shut up I'm tired of that

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😭 shut up

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Shut up

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I said shu t up

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I'm frustrated of this

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Why ppl compare their lives why you tell them ur things they'll give you their examples 😭
Did I ask from you?
Why they don't have empathy to just listen and try to understand instead of giving me advices and lectures about patience ur sensitive this happened to me as well
Wtf

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I was here I want someone to listen

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Now I don't need anyone

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It feels like I always end up listening their issues 😭

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And saying hope you feel better

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And inside I feel angry

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If I try to tell I'm complaining and if they tell they're just 😭

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I hate this comparison

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If I listen to them I don't interrupt that happened to me as well 😭

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Then why 😞

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You always

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Do that

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Can't you stay shut up

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I feel like I was there to tell my things so stay shut up

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Just shut up your mouth idiot

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For ten minutes

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I'm not asking for too much

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I'll listen if I'll get better 😭

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Wth

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It feels like it's better to journal then to tell idiots

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Who just care about their issues more

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I'm better alone

rigid gull Feb 10, 2026, 3:26 AM

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Lalala one day I'll be there where I dream once

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Where there's no one only peace and me

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And I just dancing in peace

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In my life I don't have fear but I love my peace

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But I do have 🤔

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Anyways

rigid gull Feb 11, 2026, 10:56 AM

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They both were laughing when I came in my room
They said we didn't showed you Bec you don't open your room everytime
Why would I open my room
When I was living there
You slapped me and always stopped me from watching my phone and tv
Then why would I open my room for you stupids
When I start to talk about my things this was wrong you did
They didn't listened that they abused me first
They just showed me that we are busy in our conversation they started to talk their while I just barking in front of them I felt like I have no value of my talk even they are wrong
They always make team against me
My mom always take his side
Ignore me while I was try to tell their mistakes
They get deaf when it's their turn to make their mistakes right
But they want me to be always correct even they do wrong with me
They always Cross my boundaries
Then blame me Im like that
I wish my brother will die I hate him
Even he is wrong my mom always with her I hate them

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When I was going from there he was teasing more about commenting on my clothes by saying look mom what is wearing today it's looks so bad
They always made me feel like I don't matter my talks don't matter even I'm right my things don't matter I don't have value they make me feel like worthless
Like they made me feel like if you'll agree with you you'll be good if not then your bad
But now I'm happy to be bad
I don't care about them
I'll love myself care about myself and my boundaries
And he was laughing on me while I was coming in my room
They never regret on their things
They never think I'm feeling bad I'm feeling sad I don't like their behavior

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They abuse me like that even it's mental or physical and feel happy and big look we made u helpless

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I don't feel human at all

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I shouldn't react Ig I shouldn't play their games
They always try to drag me in their games

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Bec they enjoy this

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But I'm feeling drained

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I feel sad and crying
Like they always do that I wish I'll die 😭

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I hate them

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I always come back and cry here and they'll laugh

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If I had friends they had issue now I don't have they still have issue
What they exactly want
If I was living there they ruin my everyday peace if I'm here they're worried they can't see me anymore
If I have some privacy and freedom in my room they hate it
They just always want to control my life and me

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I leave them

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I hate them

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Why they can't see my happy

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They're just always jealous

rigid gull Feb 11, 2026, 2:23 PM

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I draw now I'm thinking to eat smth
Then watch smth in break
Then again I'll complete

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Idk even I'll do commission work will ppl like it

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I'm not sure
What if no one like

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At least I'll draw

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I shouldn't care about ppl

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But in this era who'll like traditional everyone crazy about digit one

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I'm just thinking to send png

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Bec I can't deliver

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But in future maybe

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Also half things incomplete

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I need to complete

rigid gull Feb 12, 2026, 2:35 AM

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I still don't understand myself when I got it now why I'm uninterested before I thought I'll do
Maybe Bec I fear or already sad
No one will want how long I'll tell and do that
Eventually I'll get tired
I just need to do it natural but I'm not even starting Bec maybe I'm thinking about consequences or little afraid
I don't know will this be right or wrong
But I need to try first
But I feel like I'm afraid of mistake or mess up
I don't want to ruin things
Or what if I'll not do that again disappoint myself and ppl
Or what if I can't do what they want maybe here I lack self believe I'm not doing Bec I don't feel confident I feel like I'll mess up or what's the point of trying ik I want to be good enough but I feel stressful thinking about that
Maybe I leave this comfort zone but I feel afraid
I feel like will I be able to be friends
Or do work with other people
They'll be bad? Again or good
I'm already tired of this all I always tell myself stay away everyone will hurt now I'm tired
I feel like I'm be
I feel like even hj
Everyone is a liar even you give your everything they Will never get satisf they're liars they did hide everything
Even it's friends or family
I always feel like a outsider
They lie to u hide things to u but expect from you truth tell them everything being enough useful so just they can use
My own mom use me what I can expect from others I'm just a tool toy r these are roles with different people they don't see you human or a friend or a family member
But they see you as someone how they can use for them
They always lie about their selves
They first asked questions then use it asghsit mevvhi

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Ican to see as bhthing

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Everything id sblurg

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We Hy I'm writing herw

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I wish I'll die I don't have any wish tolive it

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I hate it

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Why I didn't died why I'm still alive

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I'm living my life like a dead person with these truth why I saw why I'm not blind I hate these truths

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Why I did things for them

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Who only cared about their selves

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Why I just have to give give give and give

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I'm tired

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I'll be inly selfish

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Don't expect anything good from me

rigid gull Feb 12, 2026, 3:57 PM

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I was wrong I thought love would save me from myself I was just running away from myself and thought someone would save but they disappoint me remind me it's my work I was destroyed completely after that it was hard lesson that no one can save you I tried to found that but it was impossible I thought it is some fairy tale but I was not present I just do that now I understood it was just escape that they see already but I never thought about it

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There are many things I need to fix by myself
I can't escape from me from life even I don't want to face but at the end it's my fight
Everyone is fighting their own no one is responsible for mine
Subconsciously it was made like someone would save or fix
But no one can fix me or love me they don't if I wouldn't
I'm just keeping running from reality instead of face it and go

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After her I realized no one will come and save u from yourself from your life

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Even her

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She was just friend how she can save me

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Bec it's my own responsibility which I'm avoiding

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I thought connection will save u but it doesn't work like that

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I just use it to escape

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And now I know no one will come there was only you
When you got sick I don't need anyone but myself

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To save me

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It's my responsibility right

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How can I expect this from ppl I just keep hoping from them and get disappointed
And now I'll not

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I feel bad

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I was really tired to even look at it and face still I'm this truth is painful for me for everyone but everyone do that why I'm not

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I just journal here to heal myself enough so I'll face things maybe idk will I ever do that or not

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I feel like I want to cry Bec there is only regret and pain

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Instead of chasing them wanting them to save me I should chase my things to save myself why I hoped from ppl
Maybe I was disappointed from my own self
I thought I can't save myself I feel only pain from writing this and crying Bec I disappoint myself so much that I had no hope I started to keep hoping from others that made me feeling exhausted, tired almost suicidal
I was fool how can I expect this from others

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Now I'll do hardwork what I gave to others I'll give myself save my time my effort for myself

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I was just betraying myself lying myself

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I thought I'm doing right but ppl around me noticed it but I feel always annoyed when they talk about it get frustrated and start avoiding
Unconsciously doing this
But it was not right for me

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Sometimes we think we are right but others can see what we can't able to about ourselves

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We just avoid it numb it enough to not feel pain

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About it

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But inside it like heaviness being stuck emptiness

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Outside there's perfect but inside unexplainable chaos

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You sometimes think you can lie and hide few things about yourself your insecurities
But sometimes some ppl can see through you and they know how you teach u few lessons just for your growth

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They act like nothing they know but they know every hidden part of you that might be even not visible to you
You don't know yourself, self aware
But they know you better
You'll know they were right or wrong after leaving
Or sometimes never maybe

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I always thought not everyone is good but I think few ppl act bad but inside they're not
Their coldness is not true
Sometimes we think they're cold but after leaving we know about them they were doing things you don't even know

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Or maybe would never understand

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But after that you'll be bit happy or sad
You thought them someone you don't even know
Or sometimes you just was confused

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It was smth unpredictable maybe

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I feel better after writing here
Before I always was anxious go to ppl and don't know how to survive
But I think it's really peaceful way to write whatever you're thinking

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And save yourself things

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Now venting to the feels bit unsatisfying like it's better to learn to calm myself down even when there is no one

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Just opening my diary and start writing whatever I'm feeling having things

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Sometimes we can't share this to everyone or venting ppl but we do here like safe place

rigid gull Feb 13, 2026, 1:22 AM

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I'll fulfill my responsibilities what is mine I wouldn't neglect myself my needs my value what's incomplete I'll complete and because whole not just half and leaking

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I'll love myself respect myself care about my needs self care

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What needs my attention

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Instead of asking from others

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I'll give myself first

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I wouldn't expect others to save me I'll save me

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It's my responsibility

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I have to remind myself daily until I learn how to take care of myself instead of blaming others

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I'll treat myself better even if it's makes them uncomfortable

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It's their problem

rigid gull Feb 13, 2026, 10:35 PM

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I feel better after draw some stuff now I'll rest

rigid gull Feb 14, 2026, 12:00 AM

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I sometimes feel like I'll die this feeling is dead I feel breathless even I'm breathing I get overwhelmed cry so much then just don't feel like I'm alive anymore and try to sleep in dizziness feeling my mouth get so dry I don't drink water when I'll be better again

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I drunk some water I feel better

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I don't know how to take care of myself

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In this condition I feel forget everything

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It's okay everything Will be fine

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It's worst feeling

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Why did you cry so much

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Feel sad

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I'm tired want to sleep

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Hope deep breathing works

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It's just feel okay

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I feel alone then just crying

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I'm tired of myself

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What I even want

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When I get ppl I then don't want them now you're alone then also not happy

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You did that then why crying

rigid gull Feb 16, 2026, 8:42 AM

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I feel like I'll die from this pain 😭

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I feel too much pain in my back I'm breathing very slow Bec it's hurting

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I hate period pain

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Idk why it's too much this time I feel like I'll cry

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Bec I can't bear anymore 😭

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It's just little relief I feel after crying

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I was overwhelmed by tha

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I feel better now

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Ok now I should rest or sleep I'm tired too much I shouldn't go to work today

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I should drink some water

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But I don't feel getting up

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I wish there was some ghost who just pass the water

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My mom thinks her pain is real but when it's about me then she never listen I can't even cry in front of her Bec I'm the care taker she was yesterday I listen her things but when it's about me then I find myself all alone 😔

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Today also she ignored me
I'm thinking I wouldn't also care about her

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She might be thinking I'm dramatic she said is this your first time?
But I also don't know why I felt pain too much sorry for that
Sorry that I told you
Sorry that I'm your daughter
And why even I told you who don't care

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I feel like maybe I'm too much or sensitive

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Ppl also said this

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If I cry Infront of her she call me like I'm not human I can't cry I just come back in my room to cry don't show her Bec if I don't matter why would I show she doesn't care

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Bec ik whenever I get sick or whatever issue I have to solve myself she even said don't involve me

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Then why I give her advice listen to her it's just she is using why I over give even they hurted me many times take advantage of my kindness I hate them

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When it's about them they're human when it's about me I'm ghost?

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No one cares

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They would never understand will never change I feel hurt Bec I expect from them kindness who are heartless why do how can i expect from them even they hurt me again and again
Am I their punching bag?

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Maybe I just don't matter

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I just feel like I don't deserve kindness

rigid gull Feb 16, 2026, 3:50 PM

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I was there eating my food and she start fight she said she did all the work
I just slept for few hours she is just jealous of her own daughter
I'm crying again it's 2nd time
I hate her I hate her 😭

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I'll leave them

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I'll leave all of them

rigid gull Feb 16, 2026, 4:37 PM

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No one care even I'll die they just want yha

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I'm just a ghost

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Why they hate me so much

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What I did I jus went there to eat something and come back always crying

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My own mom hates me

rigid gull Feb 17, 2026, 5:09 AM

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Sometimes I really don't know who is good or bad in this good and bad battle I'm losing myself I don't want good or bad now I don't want to choose any side they're both same
Even if it's Mom and sibling and dad
They just do whatever they want but I can't be just human I'll choose myself I don't need them I always ignore myself in their battle now I'm not gonna participate in their battle just like my mom said if you guys do fight don't involve me then why I would involve the person who can't even stand by myself why would I do that for them and betray myself and in the end they are the team and I'm standing alone

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I'll live there but like they're separate ppl just like I don't talk to outsiders I would talk only when it's needed for my peace
I just go eat my food or maybe I'll eat in my room that also like a prisoner

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I hate them

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Even I want to stay I wouldn't stay even I want now I just strict on myself to not stay with ppl more than half hour or few minutes cuz they need only few minutes to ruin my fucking peace

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Why do I break that rule everytime and talk to them but no this time I wouldn't I'll just talk enough to not stay there

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I sometimes think to run away from here

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Why wants to live in such place where your peace destroy every single day

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They enjoy to hurt u

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These are the only evidence of their behavior

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My mom said even if we fight we'll be together again
She was trying to say even if we abuse you you just have to stay silent and talk again be together
But why she why is she mad why would I tolerate their toxic behavior if I would be in their place we would they tolerate they never tolerate my things towards them if I did smth small there always I faced concequens they revenge from me by teasing fighting crushing me
I don't have even friends whom I say no one cares or trust worth they'll also use it against me Bec I'm a tool? I hate all of them

#

They know I have no one even my own dad my own mom I sometimes feel like I'll not be alive tomorrow Bec I'm tired

#

Can't I live in peace without teasing annoying fights where I don't have to face their toxic behavior every single day there's whole new drama

#

I wish I'll die

rigid gull Feb 18, 2026, 7:55 AM

#

I'm tired ugh

#

I didn't eat yet but feel sleepy

#

I wouldn't go there

#

I'm thinking to sleep to not eat anything

rigid gull Feb 19, 2026, 2:07 PM

#

I hate her I wish she'll die she ruin my peace everyday I cry every day Bec of her I hate her now fu king hate her

#

What she even wants why ruin my everyday peace

#

Leave me

#

Alone

#

I don't want to see her

#

I hate her

#

I wish I'll leave them

#

Now I realized not every parent deserve a child

#

I don't want to live with them

#

I don't want to stay here

#

Maybe they want me to leave own my own maybe they're doing this Bec they want they enjoy it

#

I wish I wasn't their daughter

#

I'm just frustrated

#

I feel helpless like they can do whatever they want with me

#

Why exactly why

#

It's feels injustice unfair

#

Why they're blind

#

Why I'm in this hell

rigid gull Feb 22, 2026, 2:53 PM

#

She gave him cash and mnney when he disrespect he then blame others but the thing is she did that she always give him things
I'm little jealous and feel sad they never gave me things like that I always achieved phone or things only on my exams when I get good Marks but about him he give all the things
Even he doesn't have good Marks even he failed he had things always
But my worth always tied to achievements
I now feel like if you're with wrong environment and with wrong ppl then your worthless if it's good and then you have worth
Even your productive or unproductive
Good or bad care and support will be consistent not based on ur achievement
Your good marks how much you have studied
Today also she was degrading me Infront of her family why you didn't studied why you are not doing
Yes I don't want to I wouldn't until you die
She always imposed her dreams and things on me to complete if she didn't studied in past and had dreams
Now is it my fault to complete that
What she left
I have my own life my own things I want to study or not it's my choice you can't force me
You cant force me by dragging your family member to pressure me
I'll decide what I want to do

#

No one can control me now

#

It's enough you already controlled me so much in past

rigid gull Feb 22, 2026, 9:19 PM

#

I just feel like my own relaton not with me sometimes I wish I live somewhere else and leave my own family

rigid gull Feb 22, 2026, 11:31 PM

#

I'm feeling headache but I'll be fine dw

#

I need some rest

rigid gull Feb 23, 2026, 1:40 PM

#

I fucking hate u you idiot who h r u

#

Hope you'll die

#

I just went there to eat smth but no she will be toxic again

#

I should detach myself completely from here

#

Narcissistic mom

#

She just ruin my peace everyday

#

Every fucking time I go there I come back upset or either crying
Now I understand why my dad divorced her cuz she deserves that the way she is

#

I always thought her innocent but she just acts innocent

#

But last year I saw her real face

#

The one who is full of jealousy from others from her own daughter
What she didn't achieved she use other ppl now like we are tool

#

You bitch go and get your dreams

#

Leave us alone

#

Now I understand my dad anger and revenge towards her

#

She always do smth and when I react she plays the victim

#

My reaction is the fault not fucking her behavior? Why why why exactly she is like that
Never felt accountability and always blamed my dad that he is the one who teaching you that
You bitch Im hating you cuz of your behavior

#

Is she blind?

#

Or make me dohbt own my self

#

Whatever she did , does or will the blame is on the other person

#

Where is your behavior

#

Today I was just having my meal and talk little bit
I always say I wouldn't but I end up again talking
She starts shouting on me
I sometimes feel like she wants someone weak to lash out her all anger on me
Then I said why you're fighting watch your behavior is this not disrespectful
I feel sad
Why she is like that
She said I'm not fighting I'm also talking but she was shouting on me and whenever I say smth truth about her she feels angry Bec she can't listen at all she hates it

#

I just finished my meal like fast I sometimes skip meals
Then if I come in my room she always say your distance
Yeah I'm Bec of your behavior
I'm not your punching bag or am I ?
Why she treating me like that
Why she silent my voice against her
She treats me badly
I'm hurt and sad of this disrespectful behavior that I never deserve
Always say harsh words
Make me feel worthless
I wish I'll leave her
I'll leave them

#

I hate her

#

She just punish me for being truthful

#

She is not a good mother she never be
I was appreciating my aunt but she hate and feel jealous even from her own sister
If I praise to my class fellow mom still she doesn't like it
She only like her praise about her
And feel angry and jealous and compare me to my cousins of that aunt children and with my class fellow
Just to make me feel small

#

There's always punishment in little things I noticed

#

If I praise other ppl mom she hates it

#

Even if I like my friend or my dad still she wouldn't like

#

Or someone in her own family

#

God she breaks my heart everyday I'm really sad today

#

You created me for this disrespect?

#

Your humans are bad I hate them

#

I never thought my own mom will be like that

#

Maybe she hatesbme

#

Her behavior ruining my mental health

#

But she doesn't care

#

She acts so good and loving Infront of others

#

Yesterday on my aunt home she hug me and I feel a lot of anger inside

#

I hate her
I hate when she shows fake love Infront of others

#

I pushed her from side

#

They might saw me as rude but I don't care Bec they don't know the truth

#

That she is abusive in real

#

Why she hates me ?

#

Am I not her daughter?

#

Or it's Bec my dad take my side sometimes
She doesn't like that too

#

She stopped me from telling him about our fights

#

Bec then she and my sibling say your daughter is crazy
But I always bottle up things and explode and my dad knows only when I explode

#

Feel exhausted

rigid gull Feb 24, 2026, 9:05 AM

#

Why I'm doing her einedd to complete the work yeah I should

#

I'm feeling like I don't want to do

#

Idk why I'm not doing

#

Maybe I'm fear that after that I'll be able to do things

#

Today my mom doubting on me that I wouldn't be able to do that without food she always doubts on me
Discourage instead of you can do it she mokes and laugh about it

#

Ig she is highly insecure if I do smth good

#

I can do everything ik I just have to say to remind myself I can do anything without any fear
Not or any fear can control me now

#

If they don't believe that doesn't mean
I can't do
I can do everything Bec now I believe on myself and God believe on me too

#

I don't need their anything

#

I can do everything

#

Inside I'm questioning can I really do

#

Yes you can really do it

#

Yeah true I can do

#

Untill I believe I can I'll repeat countless times

#

And one day I'll believe

#

Ik

#

This self doubt is temporary but the believe I'll build will be permanent

#

Ik

rigid gull Feb 25, 2026, 8:54 AM

#

I'm exhausted and feel pain in my whole body I feel like I'll cry 😭

#

Or I should sleep but I can't sleep Bec of pain I feel

rigid gull Feb 25, 2026, 10:47 AM

#

I'm so tired

#

Will I be fine ever

#

Im emotional rn

#

I'm tired I sometimes feel like I don't have my back with myself for support

#

I start crying when I can't tolerate anymore

#

It makes me feel better a little

rigid gull Feb 25, 2026, 1:45 PM

#

Even during lunch I was so much tired but my mom said to me work and I said no Bec I was tired
She serves him she always treats my sibling better and I was thinking am I not her daughter?
I feel sad
Hurt
Why he gets the special treatment but not I
Even the water glass each and everything I did for myself
I wanted to cry but there was no use
I don't even need her

rigid gull Feb 25, 2026, 3:47 PM

#

Today I was tired she said don't do it
Didn't I said you shouldn't you can't
If I do smth she has issue if I don't still she has what she even wants

#

The thing is whenever I try to tell my issues I got ignored by her
She always try to fix
Me
You shouldn't do that if your tired
The thing is I just told I'm tired that doesn't mean I can't do that
I got angry on this
She said why you over reacting
She instead telling me that how tired she is
She never listened me like I have have to be care taker for her
Am I her mom ?
Why she ignores me
I can't even make face that I'm being tired

#

She just feel good only when I take care of myself handle everything alone without her involvement then I'm a good daughter

#

If I do smth wrong they all punish me like I'm not human

#

If humans wouldn't do mistake then

#

And about her son he is her favorite
He comes with problems issue she solve for him
Like he is allowed to do everything wrong

#

I hate them

#

If I do smth wrong
They say we can't help leave me alone in my issues or punishment is already ready for me
So I think 100 times to make an decision fear of being wrong

#

What kind of rules is that

#

I'm tired

#

I can't tolerate her things everyday

#

I wish I was never born

#

She was saying to me about his marriage thing
The thing is she wants me kick out from home and go with other men I hate her why she always control me my choices my life

#

She start saying things in my presence to do work for her
Otherwise with work achievement o r performance I don't have any worth
Am I a just tool for everyone

#

I'm nothing

#

I'm so overwhelmed

#

She just hates me

#

Bec of her hate I started hating myself

#

But I wouldn't hate myself

#

I already doubted on myself

#

Bec of them

#

It's my fault I expect kindness from heartless ppl

rigid gull Feb 26, 2026, 2:31 PM

#

Just Bec of the others doesn't treat her like a shit she treats me badly I hate her

#

If her bf cheats on her is this my fault?

#

Why she always angry on me

#

I hate her

#

When my dad comes in home he noticed my face and said why u making that face
I actually hate him that time
It's all happened Bec of him I hate him

#

He laughs inside

#

They are just playing games and want to use me

#

My dad wants to use me for info he can't get but only me about my mom and sibling and if he behaved nicely that's Bec of them
And they use me to not tell him anything about them

#

But at least my dad treat some way better but they said it's fake

#

Idk who is fake or real

#

I don't know why humans like that

#

Why I'm like that

#

She hates my dad and me

#

Maybe

#

I now understand

#

Them she and my sibling were always team but used me my kindness if I tell everything to my dad what will happen even he knows most of it

#

Still he yesterday said to me silent

#

I don't think there's anyone with me

#

They're selfish

#

Only think about themselves

#

I hate them

#

I'll leave them

#

They always made me feel like worthless

#

I'll leave them

rigid gull Feb 26, 2026, 5:07 PM

#

I'm tired and want to sleep

rigid gull Feb 27, 2026, 2:07 PM

#

I don't know what I'm seeing every place I'm tired of that it's just in my mind nothielse

#

And it's just Bec I should stay more busy

#

I don't want to go back

#

Like that WA s terrible

#

Whenever I think about it

#

I feel anxious or like anxiety like

#

My nervous system or heart beat becomes faster like panic attack will happen or like that

#

I just take deep breaths

#

And tell myself I'm safe and stay here

#

Or I think it's lack of sleep

#

I should take some rest

#

I didn't even

#

Sleep

#

I was working on that and then I just eat some food thank God
Nothing happened today
Otherwise I'll be crying now

#

I want peace like taht

#

But I think I get few times but not daily it's just inconsistent

#

It feels good after lying down I'm tired today

#

I didn't comb my hair from few days I always say I'll do tomorrow and I don't know when time slips from my hands and again I just say tomorrow

#

Bec I'm too tired

#

Sometimes I feel day is too short

#

For me

#

It just slips

#

Ppl do more things hobbies their work self care then give time to friend or family

#

And I just can do one

#

Either work or hobby or friend or self care

#

I don't know how they even manage

#

Or maybe I'm too slow

#

I just take more time than others

#

Or my focus is not that good in things

#

If I do all the things I'll exhausted more 😔 or can't able to do
Even one properly Bec it's tension behind I have to do next thing so first thing wouldn't be good or maybe not even complete

#

I'm just going to rest

#

I feel pain in my back and foot

#

I'm just feeling tired

#

Even I ate food

#

I think it's okay to have some rest
So what if I take some time comparison to others I'm still human and human can be tired too I don't need to be perfect for that

#

I was watching smth they said
Everyone journey is different so mine too
If they're fast that's doesn't mean I'm too slow
It's just different paths
They have their and I have mine

#

So you don't have to be worry or feel sad about it I know I sometimes think I'm stuck and feel hopeless but I should not think like that

#

I hope this journal help me

#

I feel better after writing here

rigid gull Feb 28, 2026, 10:14 AM

#

Today again she shout at me for no reason at all
I was just asking where you keep that thing and she screamed at me
But why she do this
If ppl doesn't treat her well is that my fault?
She just take revenge from me
She found with ppl on phone and talk to them
Is that my fault?
Why she treat me like that 😭

#

I first thought I shouldn't ask from her but when I saw she was on phone
With Bluetooth I then realized the thing
It was never mine fault
The thing was she was just hiding from me that
And whenever I ask smth she shout or scream
I hate her
She always blame me and my dad
She said you want us to do better for you you want to teach us a lesson?
But I was just asking and also she doesn't want me to talk to her
I feel like whenever she wants to talk then no one can stop her she act sweet whenever her time and what about me ?
When I want to talk and all
She two months ago acts sweet and all
Now talking again with ppl
And ignoring me
I don't want her to talk to me 24/7 but at least you can answer when I asked
I was finding the thing and as a human I asked not even as her daughter Bec I don't think so she is my mom and will help me in anything
She just wants to adjust us but when it's about her adjustment then she blames
She comes whenever she wants to talk and outside ppl not talking
She just think as tool or you
Or nothing at all

#

I just wish her to die or I'll die either Bec I can't live with her anymore she ruin my peace in seconds
I always in my room I just go for eat and rest room
But that time also I just try to avoid but when (she wants to take ) then I'm not allowed to ignore her Bec she has feelings and human and when. I don't talk then one day I avoid then two days then after day when she sees I'm avoiding more than two day or three then she involve in my dad look your just isn't talking or talk badly about me to brother
And acts innocent
But when it's about her
When she doesn't want to talk and ignoring me
Then his son and my dad doesn't even know Bec when they come she talk in front of them nicely but when they're absent
She ignore me or scream at me for no reason
Or just bec she hates me

#

And when it's me no one knows about her treatment but only God. He witness of everything she is doing

#

And he will protect me

#

But I'm just sad my dad and sibling even I tell them they'll blame me but not her

#

Even she's wrong

#

And my brother will say don't tell your dad about it Bec he'll divorce her again

#

Like I'm the one who is carrying everything I need to protect her house I need to cation Bec my dad will divorce her

#

Why they're expecting from me too much

#

And crossed every limit

#

I hate them

#

And if he'll leave her then also they'll blame me

#

Ugh

#

I'm so tired of thi

rigid gull Feb 28, 2026, 10:33 AM

#

rigid gull But I'm just sad my dad and sibling even I tell them they'll blame me but not he...

About that
My sibling used to tell me about her mom struggles
And her trust issues her most sad things
To just to minimize my feelings and pain
Am I invisible I'm really
To just tell me always that in other ppl houses have so much abusive and bad things
We are better
I don't need your toxic optimism when you say others are worse than us
💔
I don't feel human with them I feel like I'll die someday

#

I just will leave them

#

I remember last time when he saw with his own eyes how she treats me
He then told me about her struggles manipulating me
And later I found out
She gaves him money for smth
Then I realized why they take each other side
She gives him phone or money whenever he asks
And that's why there's no justice
It's not about who is right or wrong
It's only about money

#

That's why I hate them

#

He also using her
I remember he once said
Just think them as human
We have relationship with them for humanity
Not parents children relationship
He just already knows and finding his good

rigid gull Mar 1, 2026, 7:26 PM

#

Idk am I just running away from myself just running away from the pain I buried or numb it was it escape for me to get busy in things which might doesn't matter
Idk am I avoiding the pain I felt
Dishearted and left everything like didn't mattered
Why I didn't even tried
I don't know I really hate that
Do I really hate studying or I was so tired to just feel it the pain
I don't know who I'm what I thought and what happened how things turn
Sometimes I think it's my fault
Or I'm just in self doubt
The thing is I don't feel like doing anything it feels pointless why would I do what I'll get I would never be enough maybe
I don't know it feels helplessness

#

I sometimes think I'll be like her or I'll become something
Tbh I don't want to live I'm not doing anything Bec I don't want it it's pointless to get
Either it's friendship career studies I'm just trying to exist
But inside I feel dead invisible
A person who simply want to rest sleep eat smth good spend time in nature talk with strangers
Maybe this is who I'm without being productive I don't know I feel like worthless when not doing anything no one treats me well but this time
I just will do whatever I want
Even I fail or success
I don't even want success ig
Idk is it rest or draining myself I don't know I'm sad or happy for few time
Im just lost don't know where to go
Even I know ig but Im not going
But why I'm not going?

#

Idk is it fear I'll fail what if I will fail or what if i wouldn't be able to do better or good

#

Or just pointless I'll fail so why would ttry

#

Hope everything will be fine

#

Or deep down I don't to live

#

That's why I'm avoiding everything

#

I know I can't die

#

I'm not to hurt myself Bec I first think overthink about things
So now even I'm alive living eating but it's just existence I killed myself already ig

#

Maybe I'm just punishing why I failed
Or maybe I abandon my self for others
I'm tired of this performance they never accepted my real what I was once this perfect mask I'm tired from
Infront of others a strong daughter
Can't I just be weak can I just cry
Can I just say but you never listened
Even you'll nothing will change
Someone said you don't love u maybe it was true

#

I'm too busy to love others

#

They didn't loved me

#

So I also didn't

#

She always corrected me overly that I forgot how to trust my confidence my worth shattered like others are right I'm wrong

#

I felt like I have to perfect in order to gain love

#

Earn love by performance

#

I'm perfect the one who is patient but I'm dead

#

I don't know know who I'm anymore the perfect the patient the one who listens everyone the one who is performing the one who is unproductive the one who is dead
The one who is childish Acts like one harnsles

#

I should just sleep

rigid gull Mar 2, 2026, 12:49 PM

#

I feel like everyone just misundersstand me why I'm being misunderstood everywhere

#

No one gets me

#

Even in server I just gave the topic I never thought that way

#

I just think like everyone will think the same

#

But it's not

#

Ppl have different minds

#

With different things

#

I didn't mean that

#

I just said sorry

#

Even I didn't mean that

#

I think I shouldn't go there

#

Why would I spend my time where on one gets u

#

Doubt on ur intentions

#

I just sometimes talk to feel better

rigid gull Mar 3, 2026, 9:44 AM

#

Today I was pealing fruit but she said do like this
Why she always overly correct in every thing I do
Then I start grinding it she still said do like that
AM I DOING WRONG?
WHY SHE DO THIS MY CONFIDENCE LEVEL drops like I'm doing everything wrong?
I hate when she overly correct me
My confidence and self esteem she ruined it I can't able to decide simple decisions just Bec of her over controlling behavior
And everyone thinks I'm bad
I said did I ever said or overly corrected you ? When you do smth
Why she is so toxic
I hate her
I feel like crying whenever I do is wrong?
She thinks she is always right

#

I know how to do things I don't need your over correction

#

I was doing things alone when you were enjoying your life with 2nd husband you just idiot

#

I know how to do my things from very early age

#

Now don't act sweet

#

And suddenly she remembers
Oh I have to train my daughter

#

I'm already trained child and adult

#

I learned everything own my own

#

I don't need u

#

Leave me alone

#

Why you even came back

#

I hate u

#

Why you make my life hell

#

Everyday is toxic with u

#

I can't make food and eat in peace

#

I wish my dad kick u out this time too

#

You deserve that

#

Toxic bitvh

#

Where were you when I was alone and crying even after getting married with dad you dated others where were you when I needed the fucking mom

#

Now you remember suddenly for few days I do have a daughter?

#

You only came back for few money

#

You both are same

#

If I Said to her
I'm doing wrong then do this by yourself
Then she said NO
If YOU DON'T WANT TO DO BY YOURSELF
THEN LET ME DO THIS? YOU BITVH
she doesn't want to do work by herself and doesn't want me to do in my own way
She wants me to follow her instructions like a puppet
You idiot I'm a human
😭I hate her more everyday

#

When she cooking anything or making I never said do this do like that
She never said anything to my brother
Even he doesn't know cooking at all
But when it's about me
She why she make my life hell why overly correct me in every fucking thing
😭
Is she mad
Or doing intentionally even I said hundred times I don't like anyone interference
I don't want anyone to overly correct me
I know what to do how to do
Then why she bothers me
The fault is mine
I don't have fucking boundaries
She walk over me every time 😭
I wish I'll die better than to live with her

#

I can't believe my own mom is my enemy

#

Then call me overly sensitive
BRUH YOU DON'T KNOW YOUR BEHAVIOR? AND CALLING ME SENSITIVE
YOU IDIOT I DON'T WANT YOU LEAVE ME ALONE

#

I want to scream I feel frustrated
She do this intentionally
She knows how to make me upset I'm so tired

#

God I don't want to live I want to come to u
I hate this world I ahte everything everyone

#

Where they think the fault is always mine
Yeah it's my fault that I'm ur daughter

#

No one notice her behavior towards me

rigid gull Mar 3, 2026, 10:19 AM

#

It feels like they have the lisence to cross my boundaries but when I try do the same then they punish me
They three can do whatever they want but I can't?
How someone can so cruel
I always feel alone and outside in my own home but it's not mine
They made me realize that

#

Why no one understands me

#

I'm tired of everything

#

Can't I get some peace

#

Do I don't deserve any peace

#

Am I really that bad

#

Am I really deserve this

#

No I don't deserve this

#

They do deserve

#

All the bad

#

Treatment

rigid gull Mar 3, 2026, 3:14 PM

#

It feels so hurt ful hurting everyday

#

She is always just inconsistent
She was sweet in day overly correcting like she cared about me and in night I asked smth and she ignored me like I was not standing there
Bec she was busy with others
At least you can answer?
I don't even deserve her answer?
No or yes
That's why I hate her
Now I can see her clearly how trained my nervous system
And I became like that
Sometimes overly sweet but that is fake
And other time show her real cringe side

#

I was standing there asking question

#

Like I'm a ghost

#

It hurts

#

I knew if I'll ask more than one or two times she'll scream and start argument and I didn't want any drama

#

I just leave and came back

#

I think I should rest

#

Don't think about her behavior
Idk she do that every 2nd day change her behavior in day or in night
I don't know
I just thinking why I feel the same pain again and again
Why I feel hurt
I should know it's not about me
It's her issue not mine
And I know her behavior towards me Bec of her things not mine
Then why I feel the same hurt
Maybe Bec when she acts sweet then I just think or hope again
But then when she became cold I feel hurt
I don't even have hope I still feel hurt

She said don't disturb me you eat my head all day one or two hour
Then in front of others she said we are distant ?
We don't talk much
But whenever I talk to her go there
She said don't eat my head Bec she doesn't want to talk
She actually talking to others
Why she then acts innocent in front of others that I don't give her time or all
And if I'll stay busy and wouldn't talk in future and she ask why you're not talking I'll say the same I don't need you now
When ever I came to u you said don't talk to me don't eat my head and all your were busy with others

‼️

#

I should rest

rigid gull Mar 6, 2026, 6:04 PM

#

I didn't wrote anything lately bec I felt tired didn't get the time or remember anything

#

It feels like everything just slip's from my mind and

#

Yesterday was good for me they gave me a book and my mom was happy Bec she just thinks I'll be good only if I achieve smth or earn it anyways
I don't think like that I try to stay away from her
On happy moments so she wouldn't ruin
She said she is happy but she said they never give her any books just some papers as reward your lucky and all
It feels like your valuable one moment and not valuable next moment but I know it's all Bec of their things it's not about me
I was thinking last year I felt so bad I know only how I survived from that suicidal thing it was painful whenever I remember that I felt like no one cares not friends not family no one I just felt not human I just hate I'm so tired whenever It comes in dream it was night mare
But when I wake up I felt like I can't I felt like there's heaviness idk it was bad

#

Sometimes I think I'm only writing bad moment in journal it just is all venting not journal or is it

#

I just wrote Bec it makes me feel better

#

After writing I feel like less burden on my mind

#

It feels like I'm telling someone

rigid gull Mar 8, 2026, 2:02 PM

#

Today I realized she's jealous when my dad said I'll buy for you that
He talks with me
But her father never did
Or maybe she always lied about her dad
She said my dad buttering me if someone treats me good she always said this
I just feel Im not worthy of smth and everyone just acts sweet when they want something
Once my sibling said to her your jaelous from even your siblings her siblings if they buy smth if they have good husband or wife
Idk why she is like that she always said they did bad to her
But I don't know the other side story so I can't say anything

#

Today I tell my dad everything
The night and day fighting
In night my dad was sitting there and watching
I was just picking a lemon and she screamed at me why u opened the fridge
I said I'm picking the damn thing
I need it
But she was still angry
The fault wasn't mine
She was actually angry with her other ppl the outside whom she talk
And she always have one target for her angry and frustrations
And everytime she do that
I always thought it's mine fault
But lately I realized she project her issues on me
If someone do wrong to her on even my dad
She vent on me my sibling
Frustration
Anger and all
Then later she acts sweet
That's fake sweetness I hate it

#

And in morning when I came back home I was eating lunch
She started saying don't eat my head
You always
Come and talk a lot
But Infront of others
She always said we are distant we don't talk to each other
But in home she treats me like shit

#

I'm crying on a point
She always said I came back for you but she never cared about me
She still talks to other men's
Their anger their issues
But she has no way to release but to humiliate me then only she find peace

#

I was saying to my dad today the things

#

But the thing is it's all his fault too
He didn't gave her time and now she has resentment towards me

#

I feel heavy I hate her

#

She came back bec she had no choice but to choose him for money
Her dad said how you'll live your life
And all
They send her again here
The thing is her dad and parents didn't agree for her expenses
She doesn't live there Bec they're strict in everything in food or anything
But here she have now freedom after divorce
She can do whatever she wants Bec of my sibling support

#

And my dad accept her too for property to save his property from her
They both said we are doing this for children
But they never did
He choosed property and she choosed money and she can do whatever she want

#

They always have good image in public

#

Her friends and his friends

#

They are good parents

#

No one knows the abuse?

#

They are just blind

#

By them

#

But GOD knows everything she did he did we did

#

I try to stay busy in my hobbies

#

In my things

#

But I'm human I feel like I need someone to talk

#

I'm tired

#

Even I want to make friends I feel like I can't
Bec they wouldn't understand me and every new friend judge me based on my behavior how I'm towards my parents Bec my mom tells them
If I said anything bad about my mom to my friend
Maybe someday she'll say to her
And my mom will tell her too
I'm rude and I'll be rude until you change your own behavior I have no guilt now
Yeah I feel sad sometimes Bec of how she hurts me and plays the victim
Then she say everyone what I did ?
She don't know what she did?
After every fight and disrespectful behavior? She lost her memory?
And others think I'm exaggerating
No one thinks about her behavior? Why ?

#

Then today I said what she did

#

I reminded her

#

I was feeling fool

#

I was telling her what she did 😭

#

She knows she's hurting me but wouldn't agree

#

Why I'm explaining everything?

#

What is the point?

#

When the person can't able to understand how much their behavior destroying me inside?

#

I sometimes wish it was better I had no mom

#

It's better to live alone better than her

#

Who always thinks about herself

#

Her needs

#

What happened to her

#

(Not what she did)

#

I sometimes think that was the behavior in her own home with her siblings, parents maybe husband too and now me

#

This journal help me in remembering what she did
I actually always forget what she did
And now it's the point where she already crossed every limit

#

I'm reminding myself by writing here

#

Bec I forget
Whenever she asks Infront of others
What I did ? Tell me nah?
In front of others
I forgot everything I don't know why it happens
I just remember few things
And I didn't had the ability to tell others what she exactly did few years ago

#

And in my childhood

#

Now at least I know and remember what she did

#

She just say it's small thing

#

What your overreacting and sensitive

#

Small abuse actually

#

Ppl always start from small things then big things come

#

I remember the day when they slapped on my face

#

It happened two or three

#

After that I came here separately

#

Now they're always teased and curious how I'm living alone in room without friends

#

How someone can be so dirty

#

They always don't remember what they did

#

To me

#

They just know what I'm doing in response of their behavior

#

I wish I leave them

#

They're all same

#

They made me helpless

#

Is that for she came back

#

I used to forgive them and talk again think again good for em
But now I feel resentment only
Someone said if you only kind even abuse then your self betraying
They like it when I self betray
Now when I'm fighting and telling what she did and they did
Then now I'm the bad one?

#

I'm good

#

I would never say bad things to me

#

A friend of mine said your in self hate without awareness

#

And that time I didn't know

#

Now I know

#

At least Ill do what I can

#

For myself

#

Even I'm standing alone but GOD is with me

#

I don't need anyone

rigid gull Mar 9, 2026, 10:10 PM

#

I feel a lot of pain I feel like all stress stores in my body and when I cry it'll be fine or I should rest or sleep or maybe it's Bec of I sat in wrong way while drawing

#

Idk why I know too late I'm tired or hungry or sleepy I just know through signs

rigid gull Mar 9, 2026, 10:32 PM

#

I already cried a lot I miss you a lot but you never cared maybe I wanted to say the things but u can't understand Bec u only used others maybe I never got my answers Bec you never cared to reply even after asking you ignored
Then I start performing like I do
How you will understand that you hurt me deeply
When I needed support I was performing perfect

#

I hate when someone like perfection even your human

#

I feel tired of being perfect strong
I don't remember when I cried last time in front of my family just for support or help
When I cry they don't care I'm crying or dying they just care if I'm here done smth wrong or right if I messed up or not

#

They just waiting for that then punishment starts

#

That's what I'm born for

#

I felt I'm so busy to manage others and forgot myself

#

Where im I feel lost

#

They only accept me as perfect without mistakes

#

I rejected those things I like to do and became what they liked
Now I just try to do what I like even I face harshness

#

I'm so tired would they care or not now I just don't care or I'm too tired for that I'm exhausted

#

I managed my feelings to not look too much too sensitive

#

When I talked too much they said don't talk I became silent when I got silent then why you don't talk?
When I feel your too much when I don't express your not good be expressive
When you eat healthy you eat too much when you don't, why you're not eating?
Bec you said these things why you want exactly
Would you ever be satisfied

#

On my wearing on my makeup in everything you do this don't do that

#

Now I don't give a f

#

I'll do whatever I want

#

I'm not a toy

#

Idk I want to forget everything but I can't Bec everyday something else hurt me and reopen my old things

#

I keep thinking about those things in past in present

#

I have resentment only

#

What they think they are human? And I'm nothing?

#

I'll never forget

#

They think they can see big dreams but I can't? My sibling said to me
Why you need it ? Maybe Bec I'm not human right
I have no right even to think about good things?

#

He is just insecure they are afraid of losing control.

He is more like controlling he doesn't like if I say no
I think many times he sometimes guilt too if I don't listen to him it feels like he's more Bully if I don't listen to him and he wants to control my life choices and if I'll try to do smth with my choice he act distract rude like he own me or smth
He also take revenge and lack of empathy
And he remembers when someone did smth bad later even if they ask for forgiveness he doesn't forgive but to make them feel vulnerable helpless powerful until his revenge complete
Like if I didn't studied and in exams now he is taking revenge now I realized like I remember I asked from him what should I choose studying or what he then laughing and suggest me his benefits like why don't you learn cooking and smth what benefits to him yk
Then later he said choose whatever you want
It feels like he feels jaelous when I show him smth good it feels like deep down he wants me to fail and unsuccessful and become a beggar and helpless and powerless in front of him
I don't know but he talks always negative things, talks about religion things to keep us in control and he doesn't follow the rules of religion like always lecturing us but don't follow himself
He wants to improve us control us
And today he said I want to see you guys as in worst condition I don't want you to die easily first your arms breaks then hair then slowly slowly wants to kill

rigid gull Mar 13, 2026, 9:39 PM

#

I'm here to write things but it feels here ppl things hurt me it just hurts a lot I'm so overwhelmed by that

rigid gull Mar 13, 2026, 11:22 PM

#

I just wouldn't talk there it's 2nd time

#

It's better everyone starts trolls asking questions

rigid gull Mar 16, 2026, 7:35 PM

#

Maybe today I said everything but idk what will happen I don't even want to go there I just don't know anything

#

Ii idk how u react

rigid gull Mar 17, 2026, 7:16 PM

#

If in family your parents divorce then remarried again now your siblings or both parents will say
If you were not here we wouldn't be here too
My mom; I came back for you my dad ; we remarried Bec of you
My sibling; if I'm here in this house that's Bec of her( me) otherwise I'll leave both of u my parents
I had killed you ( my sibling saying to my dad
But she will be without father money and all
I just feel like I can't do simple mistake if I will do smth wrong
Then I'll ruin everything like wtf I'm responsible for everything?

#

My fault is I'm born there

#

It feels like my mom hates me and they both don't care
They both married for money my sibling just made me feel guilt
Like I feel like I'm not allowed to do mistake

#

Maybe I'm not human at all

#

I'm trying to do smth for myself
I'm trying to learn a skill and earn through it
I hoped from a friend who will help me but they just use me for their things I wasted my years in just hope
I hate them I just hate it

#

Ppl only care about themselves

#

Now I'll be selfish too

#

I wouldn't think about anyone

#

Who hurted me

#

What they think they are

#

Are they God?

#

I feel hopeless disappointed

#

I feel tired

#

I don't even care about myself

#

I didn't took the shower comb my hairs
I don't know small things feels tiring it feels like chores
It's been whole week now

#

I just say I'll do tomorrow

#

I'm just busy in using phone
Practicing skill but I don't know I'm really doing I skip time alot
I just wasted my time

#

It feels like I'll never get out

#

Everything is unavailable here like I want to things work for me but apps banned idk exactly when I'll be able to do I just feel impatient
Bec it's too long I'm in this I just feel like I'll die
I cry everyday writing here I'm so tired plz I'm so tired of this life

#

I'm exhausted, I feel a lot of sadness, hopeless feeling
Sometimes with reasons sometimes without

#

I know only how I just get up and feed myself
Even when I'm hungry I don't feel like I want to eat
I just want to sleep Bec I'm too tired to just get up
Then how I'll do the rest of the chores

#

I'm trying but no one trusts they say your lazy

#

I'm trying to do the things
Recently I start doing some exercise,breathing
I just do 5 mins or 8
I did first 2 days then skip next two days
Yesterday too but today I tired
Idk it feels like time just slips

#

I try to manage it but maybe I'm little slow

#

I just think others do everything consistently they're doing more and better but I'm not doing better why I'm like that

#

Even when I was in school every one do read lesson fast but I was too slow
I try to get the things but I just process little different or slow

#

I don't want to compare myself

#

But when ppl around me compare me to others I feel worthless

#

Like why I can't have

#

What They have I start comparing, feel like I'm not human

#

I remember my friend used to show pics I feel happy but inside sometimes I feel sad
What Ppl get easily I can't I work so hard for even simple or basics

#

I don't envy I'm happy for them
But I'm sad for myself

#

Why I cant get

#

Sometimes ppl think I'm jaelous but I can't make them understand everything

#

I just question from myself blame myself
Even it's not my fault

#

I read somewhere everyone has their timings and they'll get on their time

#

Maybe it's not the right time

#

I understand but still sometimes I just think like that idk why

#

Maybe Bec I'm human

rigid gull Mar 19, 2026, 12:07 PM

#

It feels like everytime she disrespectful towards me ignore me hurt me
I'm more towards self hate I start punishing myself ignoring my needs feeling Bec it doesn't matter maybe no one cares

#

If she said smth my all day go wrong I don't do the things then I like I want to do
In just resentment towards me or her I just punishing myself to not be happy
Someone said you don't need a reason to be happy but you feel happy inside not from things or ppl
You chase ppl who don't care disrespectful abusive
It was truth maybe

#

I just treating myself badly to make her happy Bec she likes it maybe

#

I'm becoming my own enemy

#

She never liked me maybe maybe no one likes me I'm really bad person

#

I don't deserve anything

#

I feel hurt I'm hurting everyday

#

I always treat others good but myself I never cared
Just like my mom ignored me never cared my sibling my dad

#

I lost myself

#

In others just giving and giving

#

Maybe I deserve that

#

Bec I'm girl and that's the crime I did

#

I born as girl

#

If I wasn't girl ppl treat me different even if your wrong they'll take your side
Bec it's never about right or wrong
It's about who you're and your girl and girls deserve that mistreatment even you like or not
You have to tolerate it Bec your a girl your choices are not yours it's their Bec your a puppet gurl it's not ur life it's their Bec they gave birth

#

I wish I wasn't born I wish I'll never wake up after sleep I wish I'll die

#

I'm tired

#

If they do wrong no one ask about it
If I do smth wrong then they're the judgers and I deserve punishment

#

Now I'm tired of crying every day every day

rigid gull Mar 20, 2026, 3:55 PM

#

I feel back pain it's just bad
I just was thinking he can kill anyone who's not there to benefit him
Who's weak he was saying it he had that kind of sister he had killed her
He listened some situation about girl
He always say hurtful things idk I feel afraid of this world like if you're not useful anymore they don't care
He doesn't have any empathy I just was thinking maybe he killed someone I'm not afraid of dying I'm just tired of living in the same hell where they abuse you mentally and physically emotionally

rigid gull Mar 21, 2026, 1:53 PM

#

I have realized in my home my sibling don't like when I show myself today was special Day and everyone gets ready
And I was making some designs but he trolled me by saying ohhh your doing this
And was laughing
Idk I feel bad about myself with him
Like you can express and show yourself
I sometimes feel like I'm in jail
Idk why he is like that
I always try to help him try to courage him for his dreams and things what he likes or dislikes
But about me ? He bully me
I sometimes feel used
Like I'm giving only
When he ruined my things he laughs
When I had friends watch shows he still had issues
Now I'm separate still he is not happy
And I realized when he can't control us then he laughs when I'm suffering
Like if you can't do what I want then you'll suffer
I'm really feeling hurt and disappointed
I wish I never had a sibling like that
Even in childhood he doesn't like when I dance make things
He gets jaelous or maybe feel threatened
And try to ruin my happiness and peace
He enjoys my reactions by bulling when I scream and all if I cry
I'm really tired
I'm already lost can you let me stay in some peace
Everyday is ruined by them

#

Then my whole day ruin
It feels like my happiness from them and if they say smth hurtful
Then I just feel bad whole day
Someone said you find happiness from others thats why they're controlling
Maybe I just deserve that kind of treatment
They just want me to be their puppet
My life ruined
I want to choose smth from my choice I want to have mistakes and it's okay to have some Bec your human I just hate them

#

I just come back and think these things and cry
When they're doing these things control my choices I just don't have issue but later when I think about it I have issues I feel like they did wrong
Why I'm so dumb when will I fight for myself for my needs and feelings
Just Bec of my happiness depends on them I feel hurt I feel bad like

#

He is always scaristic
Talking badly intentionally
I feel really bad about myself
When I come back I feel drained like my energy is very low and I get tired
I just don't have any energy
Ppl control me used me why I hate them

#

No one care they're all selfish

rigid gull Mar 22, 2026, 3:08 AM

#

I just hate when internet doesn't work for important work I was making bank account trying to make from few hours it's like 5 hours I spent collected info how to make it was exhausting but when I start making error and issues appearing 😭cuz of internet
Like wtf what it's so easy for others to make it I'm just stuck on bank account wtff

#

I done 5steps when I enter the address 😭it was just loading and restarted

#

I'm so tired

#

It's been half hour I'm stuck on 5steps and I'm thinking there are more things also what it I'll get stuck there and I have to start again? 😭

#

Why in everything there's always an issues in my things can't anything done easier

#

😭

#

Whenever I try to do smth there's always an obstacle waiting for me to discourage

#

Make me more tired

#

After even 5hours I'm failed at making the damn account

#

I'm just now will rest 😭

#

I'm exhausted

#

Disappointed

#

Why I can't get things more easily

#

I hate that

#

I'm doing all alone I don't have any support I can't even ask from my family Bec they have only one answer we don't know
Even they have accounts but they don't want to help me I'm searching online

#

All the things now I don't have energy Left

#

Idk when internet speed will be good so I can try again but I think it's gonna be tiring why they can't accept in just one pass like they restart everything 💀

#

Isn't too strict

#

If you're stuck on one step and you have completed previous onces then it should be start from the same step not from the start
Idk but I think it could be glitch

#

Making it more difficult

#

It feels like everything wants me to cry then things will get better
I feel impatient

#

rigid gull Mar 22, 2026, 2:02 PM

#

No one help me either it's real or online I really don't this life

#

I just want to end this

#

I dm ppl about that, I said to my family but they said bank will ask proof of income and you don't have job
But others are doing online art commissions thing
How they're doing?
Just say you don't want to support
I hate everyone I hate it
Even online oppl don't tell I'm working from days with no help or anything I collected all the info online from yt, ai
I think AI are better than humans I hate humans I hate them

#

No one cares even I'll die my friends online who show fake care they're not my friends who can't help me when I asked they said they don't have bank account

#

One of them didn't replied
Is this friends for, everyone wants me to give them but when it's my Time to receive no one give I feel used by them

#

I wouldn't help anyone

#

I don't have any one friend in real life who'll help even I had they wouldn't in my life if ppl are there or not it doesn't matter

#

It feels the same even they are present their presence just Bec I'm giving

#

No one understands me

#

I wish I'll die

#

That's the only solution

#

I'm so tired

#

Why no one understands

rigid gull Mar 22, 2026, 3:32 PM

#

When I think this person Will help I just get disappointments maybe I'm hoping from wrong onces or I should expect anything from anyone maybe Bec I don't deserve help when I need the most

#

Every person I hoped they disappointed me badly I just feel dead

#

Now I don't have any hope I'm hopeless

#

Hopeless for life and anything

#

I didn't even brushed my hairs it's so messy to even brush I don't have any energy to brush them and solve it it's so messy from whole week or more I'm really tired I sometimes think to cut it's just burden on me I can't bare anymore

#

I don't have any energy to even cut them

#

I'm exhausted

#

I don't know what to do with myself

#

Anymore

#

I'm tired of myself

#

I don't want to live

#

I'm just existing

#

Waiting for the end

#

Maybe

#

I tired my best but now I'm tired

#

I don't have any energy to take a shower I didn't took the bath from week I'm feeling like zombie fr

#

I wish someone could kill me

#

When I cry Infront of them they scold me my sibling my mom when I ask for help they don't help me and my dad I don't about him he's also like them

#

They just scream at me laugh at me I don't feel ever genuine care or kindness from them I just felt they might be doing for them and behind it there's some benefit about them

#

I just feel really bad really really really bad I can't explain and no one can understand

#

NO ONE all are fake

#

They're all same

#

They all are used me

#

They ate me

#

From inside my soul now I'm nothing left

#

For myself

#

Maybe I deserve death

#

I'm tired

#

I hate everything

#

I'm I'm I'm ju..

#

Why i

#

Why imnborn

#

Why they say about things that are positive but toxic

#

It feels like they're not supporting but make in me burrnekakimb

#

Imfeelnbkur

#

It's soblur

#

I'm

rigid gull Mar 23, 2026, 12:05 AM

#

I'm sleepy i should sleep I'll be fine everything will be fine when I'll wake up

#

I'll forget everything I sometimes wish I could remove some memories I actually sometimes don't even remember what happened it just blur I feel

#

But yeah I remember ig

#

I make some art it feels little better

#

I know I can do everything I'll make account I'll do everything everything will be fine 🫂

#

Now I'm just gn

#

I read some peaceful words of poem it was like better peaceful

#

I'm trying and it's enough
I'm suffering still I'm trying I'll try again and again
I lose hope but I'll try
I'm proud of myself I'm proud of you that your trying

#

I'll care , understand about myself even if no one did , ll it's okay if they don't but I do I'll

#

I feel hurt but it's okay we will be fine

#

You'll be fine everything will be okay

#

PeepoBlanket

#

I feel safe writing here no one can read my family no one and these few ppl might read few things but anyways I should sleep

rigid gull Mar 24, 2026, 11:50 PM

#

No one can understand it feels hurtful but now I don't care

#

Ppl never cared they just pretend

#

Pretend like everything

#

It's pointless to show urself

#

Bec in the end your misunderstood by them

#

Who should understand you after listening but they wouldn't they'll blame you for everything

#

Even you tell start to end still your misunderstood

#

What's the point of anything

#

It feels exhausting by seeing like that

#

I'm tired of explaining like too much trying to make them understand who doesn't want to but are actually blind

#

Who can't see

#

I just hate it

#

How much I try ? I lost myself already? What you want now? Can't you just leave me alone?

#

Why I'm the only one trying and explaining

#

Feel guilty for nothing

#

While the others just blaming

#

Why everyone wants from me to be perfect?

#

They are just idiots

#

I hate them

#

It's enough

rigid gull Mar 25, 2026, 4:28 PM

#

I was just trying to say that this house is not mine? He can do everything and I can't?
Why he always involve in my things and tell me to not do this not do that criticize me on my hair style, my makeup each and everything make me feel bad about my own self
And what I tell and complain about him
My mom don't say anything to him
She just always blame on others and said we can't change him she always silent me
I feel like I'm not human can't I do what I like? Why do I need their premission if it's my life ?
Why can't I choose and decide
I don't do things if they're upset my sibling gets angry
And controlling
I feel hurt I'm hurting everyday Bec of them

rigid gull Mar 25, 2026, 4:43 PM

#

She was never with me she and they only care about themselves

#

She ignore my feeling she ignore me I feel like I'm invisible

#

I'm feeling sad

#

Emotional

#

That Bec of one controlling child or sibling
They ignore me

#

In this world there's no justice

#

He always controlled they always controlled me I hate them

rigid gull Mar 25, 2026, 5:06 PM

#

I don't energy I'm tired I'll rest

#

I want to sleep

#

Forever

#

Peacefully

#

No one Will ever wake up

#

It feels like no one likes me no one cares am I really that bad

#

Today they're taking for granted but tomorrow I'll be heartless like that
If they'll regret show fake care apologize
I might forgive but I'll never forget

#

I'll never forget how they treated me

#

I'll never forget how they controlled me like a toy

#

I'll never forget anything

#

Even I try I can't

#

It's stuck in my mind

#

I try to forget but everyday smth happen and my old wound reopen

#

They can't let me forgot they remind me everything

#

Still doing the same stuff

#

Their actions never changed

#

They're still same and will be the same

#

And I don't have any hope for their change

#

To fix them or they might care

#

I wouldn't waste my life in between them

rigid gull Mar 26, 2026, 10:15 PM

#

I hate him

#

I hate my sibling

#

He wants to control me my life choices each and everything

#

||I wish I'll die||

#

I feel helpless powerless I hate him

rigid gull Mar 29, 2026, 3:14 PM

#

I'm tired and feeling headache
I don't know what should I do
I can't make either bank account Bec of their questions and no one helping me to fill and then asking for proof of income
And on the other side Payoneer wants address verification like wtf
Can't I get anything easily
From where I'll get this the bills and stuff on my father's name
But they want on my name
😭I don't know what should I do
Ppl say so easily do online work
But I'm tired
Like even I'm trying to make these but things are stuck
How do I'll work like that
Ppl are doing art commission thing so easily
But I'm stuck in these things
I'm exhausted I spent whole day and from few days I'm trying but I feel like I'm sad 😭

#

I'm tired of trying I don't wanna do anything I'm just going to sleep

rigid gull Mar 29, 2026, 3:49 PM

#

I wish I could sleep forever

#

I want to sleep permanently

#

I don't wanna wake up

#

I'm so so so so much tiredddd

#

I'm frustrated from this

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Why I have to wake up every morning and eat
When I don't want to wake up and eat I don't feel hungry but yeah I feel too

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It feels so tiring to do anything

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It feels like hitting my head on the walk everyday

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What's the point of doing

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It's pointless

rigid gull Mar 30, 2026, 2:36 AM

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I'm tired I have done few things related to bank account hope it'll go well

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It was difficult but I have done I should be proud of myself you did good job even you were exhausted and discouraged but I hope everything will be fine

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Now I should rest

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I just wish things done easily but after alot of research and effort it possible

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After alot of weeks and months maybe

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Ppl just say too easily but when you do in reality it ain't that easy

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I still have things to complete 😭

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Then also next then next

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This next thing would never stop 😞

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One problem solve then next issue come

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Can you let me just breathe for few time

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I just did solve one thing hold on ..

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I feel tired

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This is exhausting

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Idk how ppl do things easily manage their time and do things

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Time just slips

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And your still stuck there

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I should sleep

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I'm overthinking even during sleep like about future things I have do this this is incomplete and this then I feel tired
I don't know how to shut up and live in present at least I have done few things and I'll do those too as well

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I just procrastination on useless things and waste my time in thinking loop

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But it's not useless ig I'm just trying to solve in my mind

rigid gull Mar 30, 2026, 6:12 AM

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I realize there were not dincer they were just acting fake

rigid gull Apr 1, 2026, 2:23 AM

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Idk what I'm doing is it right or wrong or just attention am I searching for real thing what I'm even doing why Im not doing for

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Why I found myself stuck in past loop it feels like hurting yourself for the ppl who never care still not, when I'll start carung about myself why I'm not doing what I like why

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Why inm I just wondering around ppl like a shadow or ghost

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Am I really a ghost?

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For myself?

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I ignored myself like everything is pointless

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I feel like what's the point of doing anything what you'll have to move on to next chapter

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Things will end

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Bad way or good or just silent way

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Ppl around me treating the same like I do treat myself

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Maybe I never really cared about myself?

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Why I'm not doing just Bec of the others don't like

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Is it important that they like you?

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Maybe yes

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It's hurts

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I know they never did liked or cared still I keep in search

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Now I feel like burden why do I care about them why I would always think about their like or dislike

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It's exhausting

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I'm human let me live

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Leave me alone

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Even this time they'll reject or hate me I'll choose myself

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I'm thinking about them always but not me

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Now I'm tired

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Why they should be first but not me?

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They needs are important than mine?

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I'll care about myself first

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I have to be selfish like them

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Think about myself only

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My happiness only

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Now it's My time

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I'm done with all of you

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I'm tired of being afraid always being confused

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Why would I always try to understand you but you would never and now I wouldn't hope

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It's okay if no one

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Even if no one do Idc

rigid gull Apr 2, 2026, 12:48 AM

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I hate them I just want to leave them

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I'm done with them

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I would never forget anything

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I'll remember everything

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They all are same

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They'll regret

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I'll make them powerless the same they made me ruined me bit by bit

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They never care about me only themselves

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They never care about my feelings

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I'm dead inside

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||I think everyday to kill myself and over everything||

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But I'm still alive like a dead person, maybe I'll leave u all
When I think of all I don't want to be alive I wish
I could die
I'm tired of fighting everything for old things

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Living spending time with ppl whom I hate those who never accepted me those who made me worthless those who always criticize me those who thinks I don't deserve good things those who made helpless, powerless in my own home
Home was supposed to be a safe place?
I can't even sleep with I can't my body doesn't feel safe with them those who were abusive towards me

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I felt in a room without air in summers , sleeping there was worst like I'm sleeping in hell I feel thirsty I never slept at night
But it was safe for me I felt like I'm not with them I don't have to live with them living with them feels suffocated it was better to die than live with them

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Why I'm so unlucky

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Why ppl have good sibling I didn't have a good sibling even he always hurts me

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Dying is better than I live with them

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I hate them

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Why they didn't understand me

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Was I really difficult to understand

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Am I really that bad?

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If I'm really bad I'll show them how much I can be bad

I hate them it feels like I'll explode one day I hate them I sometimes feel like I want to kill there's just resentment
I always feel angry whenever I think of them the hate is increasing day by day I feel like I'll kill them or harm myself
But it's just phrases not real I just feel like smth will happen with me Bec I can't bear anymore there's pain I feel heaviness I can't explain I feel like I'll die from this heaviness or it's just panic attack no one saved me no one saved me from them no one stand up against them no one said your doing wrong no one said everyone left me I have no one I feel unbearable pain I cant explain I just cry but this pain doesn't end here everyday when I face them I feel anger more I'm exhausted mentally emotionally physically I never said anything cuz fear of abuse or conflict it end up me feeling more worthless and painful, helpless
Their words their things just destroy me every day
If I'm like this today just Bec of them I lost everything I failed at everything what I'm today? Just a dead person, they never tried to understand me always blamed me , compared me with others, I just stay in one place what they want more from me ? To die ? Should I just kill myself to stafi..
Emotional heaviness u can't bear anymore I feel like I'll die please save me from all this please I'm so tired please don't leave me why you left me I thought you only could save me you was the only reason I was alive please don't leave even you left my brain can't accept I feel extreme pain like I'll die

rigid gull Apr 4, 2026, 2:56 PM

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Today when she was sleeping I didn't wake her up
But in afternoon I was taking nap and she disturbed me.
I think she do internationally
To never let me stay in peace
Either it's sleep or eating time

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When I went there in anger she said your sleeping too much
I said I didn't wake you up when you was sleeping
But what about me ? You don't give a fuvk?
She was constantly making noise outside
And calling me
I said to her
You care about your daughter when you need her
But what about my needs????
When I need her
She talking with other guys
Or ppl
She always said I'm having heachache I don't have mood to talk
Making useless excuses
Then talk with Others
Now they might fought with each other or what
If fight or argument happen between her and those ppl
Then she come back to me
To give me the fucking time

Am I a toy ? How much worthless I'm in your eyes?
Can't you just stay away from me
I hate you
You made my nervous system so disturbed
I'm attracting those ppl who don't care about me Bec your behavior inconsistent
You was always inconsistent mom
You gave me love like I have to earn it
I should behave in a proper way
Otherwise you don't
When it's your mood or need
Then I should be there for you
But I'm invisible?? Infront of you
You was supposed to be there always but you was never there
You never cared about me but only about yourself
I hate you
I always blamed me about her behavior but it was never mine fault
I'm just punching bag for her emotions maybe
She come to me when she is alone , don't have friends or fight happened, or venting about her things
What I'm for her ????
A child or parent??
Where my needs don't matter but her matters too much
How selfish she's

rigid gull Apr 6, 2026, 9:36 AM

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I'm feeling headache I just ate some food but after work I'm feeling headache idk why lack of energy or should I eat smth? I ate before
My eyes don't feel like open up even I'm not that sleepy

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I eat like two times in a day with some snack but idk is it healthy diet?
Why do I feel low energy

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Whenever it happens I don't able to do work or anything

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It's severe headache and my eyes and head feels heavy and dizzy and brain fog too I can't able to concentrate on anything Bec it feels like my eyes closing automatically and in my body doesn't have any energy left to just sit I just lay down

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My shoulder and muscle feels heavy and I feel like pain and crying

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Idk
Is this low BP or what I hate that

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Even I visit many doctors it's just feels pointless I get no solution

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I feel like I'm unable to do any thing

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Idk is Bec of stress or what

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I'm just have rest ig or should sleep

rigid gull Apr 7, 2026, 11:15 PM

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Sometimes I really feel bad when few ppl who think they are more superior and above they make you feel so small and inferior they just want power and destroy the other person

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They're the worst ppl
I feel bad when ppl ask from you, about you like they actually mean it but they ask to get ur weak point to use it in future I really feel bad if it's closer or just stranger I feel really heavy when I think about it. No one actually cares
It feels pointless to even talk to tell I realized but it's heavy feeling on my chest I'm sad it's pointless

rigid gull Apr 11, 2026, 2:56 AM

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Another day of disrespect, I feel like my day ends or start on disrespectful behavior, argument or painful things that I end up on crying
Why I feel things I wish I couldn't feel like them I get hurt by their abusive words , it's been a long I'm living with them as a worthless person I don't have any respect
Now if sometimes someone treat me better I feel sus I doubt I don't trust Bec I'm used to with bad behavior with abusive things
I feel danger without reason maybe it's not
Or maybe it's
It's my fault that I born in that home ?
Or it's society faul? or (my family who never think me human
That I can live simple life at least some respect
Now I'm start feeling like maybe I deserve that? Any time they walk over me , my sibling my mom anyone maybe I'm not human who feels hurt? Do they forgot? That I'm human too? Do they forgot me?

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Do they forgot that I need some space respect boundaries do you forgot? You might never remember that then how you'll forget you never realized that I'm human too?
They were never felt guilty of their behavior never self reflection what they did and doing
Always blame me , my friends if I had friends then they are ones who teaching you that
Am I a kid? Who can't see your behavior and I would need others to teach me about your behavior?

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Why don't you just think about ur behavior

rigid gull Apr 11, 2026, 4:11 AM

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I feel like I'll harm myself

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I think everyday to end my life

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||Maybe cutting the wrist I tried last year but I stopped then||

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||I just think to kill them or myself||

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I don't want to live with ppl

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I hate everyone

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I hate everyone who never understand my pain

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I'm drowned in pain it's hurting me everyday

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I can't even scream I feel like I want to scream and cry loud

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I just cry so they don't listen don't make me worthless again 💔I feel like I'm not allowed to feel

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I know only how I survive everyday
My head is hurting too much

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It feels like it'll explode

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Still Infront of friends and servers I'm trying to not show myself ppl avoid too much ppl
I remember when I had panic attack I dm someone and they asked what happened I was crying and don't know and my family didn't listen to me
And that person blocked me

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That time I tried to hurt myself

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Bec I felt no support

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The pain was unbearable

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I'm feeling same nowadays

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I stop myself

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But it's too much now I'm tired I'm really tired

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What I'll do? So they believe on me?

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That I'm in pain

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||To cut myself?||

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So they can believe I'm hurting

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I'm human too

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I can feel too

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The moment was painful when my own mom saw my wrist and ignored me like I don't exist
I hold my tears there
I didn't cry
I came back in my room and cried there

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That day I realized no one really care

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No one

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I hate everyone

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Now ppl ask me how I'm ? Why would I tell when you don't give a fuvk

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all are just fake

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Everyone wants smth

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I feel extreme headache and pain in my eyes I cried too much it feels like why I'm alive why I just can't die
I'm tired
This life is burden heavy burden I can't tolerate it
Everyone have limits
Do they think I have no limits? 💔
Leave me alone I don't want to live with u you all are same I hate you all I just hate u I hate u
How many times I'll say
My hate increase day by day
Bec of their behavior I hate them what they want I'll never do
What they like I'll never do
They always controlled my life and decision who'll be my friend or who not
What should I like or dislike?
I'm human please 💔stop it
I wouldn't listen now
I wouldn't listen anything you'll say
I would never listen will never do what you like or decide
Now I'll do whatever I want to do

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You always make me felt like I'm the issue and The problem I'm the bad one if I didn't listen to you
I always doubted on me
That's what you want? To never believe on myself? To do what you want? Am I a puppet? 💔
Or a human? I'm not even saying daughter but the human?

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I would never listen I wouldn't

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I feel dizzy

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It's like my head is unstable moving

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Maybe I'm dreaming

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I wish it's my dream

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I wish my life was dream

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I want to woke up from that horrible dream

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It's a night mare

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When I'll wake up???

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It's really hurting me

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