#The Diary/Journal of the Lost one

652 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

void stag
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This journal will be used to track my thoughts and mainly - a space for me to rant without limits. Maybe I'll redirect people here to let them get acquainted with me better. Who knows...

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I insist on you, dear reader, checking this message as well as the next 4 to have some idea of what I am and what is the state of "me"

Thanks for your patience and understanding.

So. About me.

Name: call me whatever you want
Age: 19 y.o.
Male, straight (i guess?¿)
Single (ig never was that interested in relationships)
University student (3rd year)
Major: industrial logistics (basically planning and organisation of production and transportation)
Studying (and staying in): Slovakia
Originally from: Ukraine

Issues, suggested by different specialists (I'll update it when I get official diagnosis next week): Asperger's syndrome, depression, bipolar and PTSD

Hobbies: at this point - none. Back ago - used to read, play guitar, take walks and stuff

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A bit of biography:

I was born in good ol' 2006. I am the only kid in my family. Since childhood I was a gifted kid. In my early school years I was the best in my group. During that time I set pretty high standards for myself and started avoiding people. When I turned 10 I went to the middle school and faced favouritism. And I wasn't liked. When I was 11-12 y.o. my best friend left me. And so did the others. I was always behind two people academically and only one was really better. Shout out to her, she was a great student. I was giving up. I still studied, I still participated in competitions and won, but... I had no joy in it. It was all pointless. When I was ~13-14 y.o. I made a dream. To help people. To change the things and make the lives of everyone better. When I was 15 - war came to my home. My town got occupied and I had to flee and change schools and rethink my future plans. I thrived in the new place. And that age, when I was ~16 y.o. was kinda my peak. I graduated when I was 16 y.o. (I was from the last generation that saw 11 years of school) and when I was 16, I moved abroad, in Slovakia to study. I enrolled in local uni and I studied in Ukrainian uni online. I was one of the most successful students in both. I became some sort of university celebrity bc of my success. When I was 17, I went to work. I did volunteer before, but this was a real job in Slovak transportation company. I worked as an accountant. Welp... Summer of 2024 was... Nice... Though, I did drop out of Ukrainian uni, bc I didn't like that they were teaching me journalism despite having promised me international relations. And... That's when my downfall started. I started slacking off... I grew tired and indifferent. I got no job this summer, despite being promised one by different people... And after... I started having issues. I couldn't concentrate, couldn't study. Suicidal thoughts started. Depression and stuff... And... Here I am. Likely - burnt out.

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I did reach out to crisis line in late August - early September 2025. They tried helping me, but no insurance did agree to insure me. In November I went to the psychiatrist. In December I did attend charity therapy... It lasted for 3 weeks though. And now... There's nothing. Crisis line doesn't know what to do with me because I'm already bothering them for too long. No therapy. No progress with psychiatrist bc of couple things. I got prescribed medication, but I keep forgetting/neglecting it. And my psychiatrist turned out to not view me as a human and did insult me deeply couple of times

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Anyway. Besides that, I have to solve the paperwork with legal staying in the country, going for the master's degree. And actually working on my thesis
My family is still back in Ukraine, living at the warzone with 2 close (kinda the closest) members of family serving in the military and fighting for... 3 years already...

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I guess that's all that I can objectively say about myself

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The Diary/Journal of the Lost one

void stag
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so. Natural question. "What's wrong?"

There are couple of things, such as:

1. I have lost any purpose and meaning in my life.
1.1. I live for nothing. I don't actually live. I exist. Only because I haven't committed suicide

2. I am... I am not sure, depressed (?). Life is pain and I have lost any feeling of joy. The more it goes on - the worse it gets

3. I have no personality. I lived by achievements, by being good, successful. I don't know what I like or want
3.1. I viewed myself as a machine. Just a thing. Object with only one purpose and centered around one thing: solving tasks.

4. I had sky high standards and was guilt tripped into them. My demands are messed up, despite being used on myself only. And I have the strong opinion that I'm a horrible person and have to achieve to prove myself that I'm at least meh. I know, it's illogical. But, I fear, logic was thrown out of the window, unfortunately

5. Juicy part. I can't focus, can't force myself to do anything. And so... I stay in one state with nothing getting done, despite everything demanding me actually doing stuff.

5.1. I have confused "want", "need" and "must". My self esteem dropped significantly and I am either absolutely forced into something or I'm not doing that. There's nothing I want and nothing I like.

I have no resource, no energy, no time nor any direction to change things. And the status quo is killing me. I have already attempted ||suicide|| in October, despite it being an accident. Pretty illogical, but it's my comfort zone. Because, challenging the weak and unstable remains of system of my mind would lead to my utter collapse.

And my life battery is hitting 0...

void stag
void stag
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I want to die. It'd be so much better and easier if I did

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if only... I don't deserve it though. I don't deserve to die so easily

void stag
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bridge in my city is too low

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I have a train ticket for Wednesday

void stag
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@magic pasture check it out

magic pasture
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k read everything, please excuse my fast reading (and fast typing) and I need you to know something first, nothing about what you wrote sounds “illogical” or “weak.” it sounds like someone who has been carrying an impossible amount for years without ever being allowed to just be a person. youwere a gifted kid. you tied your worth to achievement early. you survived favoritism, isolation, losing friends. you built meaning around helping others. then war came. you fled your home. youre family is still in a warzone. you moved countries at 16. studied in two universities. worked, volunteered, became “the successful one.”
thats not a weak person. thats a person who has been in survival mode for a very long time. burnout doesn’t happen to lazy people. it happens to high-functioning, high-responsibility people who run on pressure for too long without emotional safety. andthe crash after dropping the ukrainian uni? that makes sense. you lost structure. you lost a path that helped define you. when your identity is “the achiever,” and something breaks, it can feel like you broke. theloss of purpose, joy, personality, thats textbook severe burnout mixed with depression. not a moral failure. not proof youre horrible. Not proof youre empty. its what happens when a nervous system has been overloaded for years.
the focus issues, the “i can’t force myself,” the confusion between want/need/must — that’s also common when someone has lived purely on obligation and pressure. when “must” drives everything long enough, the brain shuts down the “want” system to conserve energy.
and about wanting to die — I’m really, really glad you said it out loud instead of staying alone with it. wanting to die is often not actually about wanting to be dead. its about wanting the pain, the pressure, the endless expectations to stop. you don’t want nonexistence.

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you want relief. and relief is possible without you disappearing. about your psychiatrist: being insulted by someone who’s supposed to help you is not okay. you deserved respect. full stop. if it’s possible at all, switching providers would be ideal. if not, at minimum you deserve to advocate for yourself or bring someone with you. youmentioned forgetting or neglecting medication, thats common with depression too. if you decide to continue meds, tiny systems help: phone alarms, putting it next to your toothbrush, asking someone to check in. not because you’re irresponsible — but because your executive function is depleted. i care about you and im soso proud of you.

void stag
magic pasture
void stag
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.

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@night gorge

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@sharp basalt given that you participated as well... Well, here you go

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hmm, haven't updated it for... ~3 months

night gorge
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I‘ll give you my story

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I‘m currently 17

void stag
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pretty young

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that's really impressive you've already gone through everything you've described

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and managed to get out

sharp basalt
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but some people do and some people find themselves accepting it

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like having a toothache for a long time and slowly getting used to the pain

void stag
sharp basalt
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ofc it is but still hard times don’t just end bevuase you fix one bad habit

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we all are lost

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we all don’t know what’s next

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but some people CHOSE to look at it positively

sharp basalt
night gorge
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My Depression started when I wad 13 years old. My father was really abusive towards my mother and me. Months later, he died due to a motorcycle crash. Me and my mother lived in a little apartment because that was the only thing we could afford. She then get sick. She always used to give me money to buy her meds, but I never did. Instead I used the money to buy weed at a dealer in my town. She then died. Till this day, I blame myself for her death.

After my parents passing I moved with my uncle and my aunt. My uncle was also really abusive towards me. At that time, I was already working as a plumber. On a random thursday, I came home from work and sat down at dinning table. Normaly, my aunt would come and talk with me, but she didn‘t. I went to her bedroom and saw her sleeping in her bed. I thought she was sleeping, but it turned out she died due to a heartattack. The rest that happend I will keep private because it‘s illegal

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I haven‘t forgiven myself after what I did to my mother

void stag
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damn...

night gorge
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Currently, I live alone

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Even tho i‘m not even allowed to

void stag
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dude... Wow... I'm... So sorry for you

night gorge
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No need to be

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I want you to be happy

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Don‘t worry about me

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I want you to realise that mistakes happen

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You may have done some mistakes

sharp basalt
night gorge
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But you need to keep moving

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Going on makes you stronger

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Letting the past go on forever makes u weak

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You need to change your future

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Let the past be the past

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And make the future what you want it to look like

void stag
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I... I can't let it go...

night gorge
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You need to

void stag
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my past was... Nice

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maybe I was happy

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when I was ~10

night gorge
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Being a child was always better than being an adult

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You had fun

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Nothing was serious

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But now

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The tables turned

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You‘re 19

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You need to keep moving

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Giving up won‘t help you

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Sure, your problems may be gone, but your problems aren‘t permanent

sharp basalt
void stag
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continuing won't help either

sharp basalt
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your not a burden

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yes it will

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i promise you

night gorge
void stag
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I will die sooner or later

sharp basalt
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you truly don’t know

night gorge
sharp basalt
void stag
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and rotting lump of flesh can't feel bad. Or good

sharp basalt
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but right now we want you to keep going

void stag
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it can't feel anything

sharp basalt
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we see the strength in you, that your blind to

void stag
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only eternal peace

night gorge
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Yk

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I did some mistakes I will never forget

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I will also never forgive myself for those mistakes

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But

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As I said

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Mistakes happen

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Out of mistakes

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We learn more

sharp basalt
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why do you feel this way that’s a question you seem to keep dodging??

night gorge
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After my mothers death, I learned that I should help people and don‘t ignore their help screams

void stag
night gorge
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Pretty good

void stag
night gorge
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Why do you feel this way

sharp basalt
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why do you feel like you wanna not be here?

night gorge
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Why do you see yourself so negatively

void stag
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I... I don't know. I thought sharing my story would help you

night gorge
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We learned more about u

sharp basalt
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it helps but it’s doesn’t give the answer

night gorge
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With your story, we can help u

void stag
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I mean, the only way to get love was to be achieving stuff constantly

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does child need anything else?

sharp basalt
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do you think dyinh would help the people around you or do you think it would cause worse things

void stag
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maybe, but I threw out... Pretty much everything else

sharp basalt
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and if you say it will help your incorrect

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you dying helps absolutely nobody

void stag
sharp basalt
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then what makes you want it so bad

night gorge
void stag
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one person who's pretty much infatuated in me would have her life destroyed as well

night gorge
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Imagine your mothers pain when she gets a call saying that her son died

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Her only child died

sharp basalt
night gorge
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Due to suicide

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Was only 19

sharp basalt
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do you know what it feels like to be looked at by old men as a child?

void stag
sharp basalt
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even me being a child it wasn’t easy

night gorge
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If we‘re allowed to know

void stag
night gorge
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You‘re her only Child

sharp basalt
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who says you cant chase them again????

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absolutely no one

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so many people have faith in you

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is that not enough?

void stag
night gorge
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Question

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Did you tell your mother about your depression?

void stag
night gorge
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Or do you keep it as a secret

void stag
sharp basalt
night gorge
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She cares about you

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She‘s worried

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Now imagine the pain when she finds our that her son is dead

void stag
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well, good to know

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how does it fix my life?

night gorge
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You need to keep moving

sharp basalt
void stag
night gorge
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If you die, your mother might get depressed

sharp basalt
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i’m sorry but absolutely nothing will fully fix your life.

void stag
sharp basalt
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or my life

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or anyone’s life that is fucked up

night gorge
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You don‘t need to go on for other

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Go on for yourself

sharp basalt
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who says for others?

void stag
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if only I could, if only I was brave

night gorge
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You need to go on for your family tho

night gorge
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You are brave

sharp basalt
night gorge
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You‘re still here, aren‘t you?

sharp basalt
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you have come this far.

night gorge
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You‘re very brave

sharp basalt
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why don’t you try to be positive and only look at the positive for one day

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?

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and tell us how you feel after

night gorge
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There‘s something positive happening everyday

sharp basalt
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instead of you only focusing on the bad look at the good

night gorge
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You wake up, positive.

sharp basalt
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like us helping you

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people caring for you

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oceans

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animals

void stag
# sharp basalt who says for others?

isn't it the idea of "you have ppl caring about you, they'd be destroyed if you killed yourself". Yeah, so should I be destroyed just not to let them? Well... If only it worked, but no, they care about details of my life, so if I break everything they'll feel awful as well. It's... It's not going to work

void stag
night gorge
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Ever

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Say that again

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Don‘r

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Don‘t

void stag
night gorge
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I mean

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Look at me

sharp basalt
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i hate everyday

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but guess what

night gorge
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Everyones health ain‘t perfect

sharp basalt
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i’m not giving up

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why should you?

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your life is as worthy as mine

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right?

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even more worthy

night gorge
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You don‘t need to be perfect

void stag
night gorge
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You just need to go on

sharp basalt
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you have accomplished so much more than i ever could

night gorge
void stag
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human is helpless

night gorge
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You get this chance once

sharp basalt
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you live in a man’s world, you can do this i promise you

void stag
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and dreams are unreachable

night gorge
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And then when your gone

void stag
night gorge
sharp basalt
night gorge
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Champions are made of smth they have deep inside of them. A desire, a dream, a vision

void stag
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why isn't it? Human can do nothing other than evil towards itself and weaker ones

night gorge
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You need a positivr vision

void stag
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that's all humans are good for. There are some trying to do good things, there are some just living their lives

night gorge
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Currently, your vision is in the dark

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Make this vision bright

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Make it shine

void stag
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but these are... Really few

sharp basalt
# void stag *and dreams are unreachable*

how do you think all of the woman years ago felt when their husbands took THEIR writing and all the albert einsteins that were pushed into a kitchen everday when woman didn’t have rights?

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they still went on

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no matter what

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they coulnt even think about their dreams

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they knew it was out of reach

night gorge
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True

sharp basalt
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but with you

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it’s not

void stag
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good for them ig...

sharp basalt
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you have came so so far

night gorge
void stag
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just to find a different "out of reach"

night gorge
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Listen to this rq

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Look

void stag
night gorge
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You need a bright vision

void stag
night gorge
sharp basalt
night gorge
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And so should you

void stag
night gorge
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Giving up won‘t make things easier

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Your family

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Your friends

sharp basalt
night gorge
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All depressed

void stag
night gorge
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Even I will be depressed

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Because I couldn’t help you

void stag
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they had what no money, privilege or status can buy

night gorge
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Your death will depress me

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I would think I‘ve failed again

void stag
# night gorge All depressed

well, they'll get depressed either way. I can't handle life and if I live long enough I'll... I'll become a total wreck of myself. That'll upset them even more

night gorge
sharp basalt
night gorge
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There‘s always a way out

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You get yourself out of there and help others

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You know what helps

void stag
night gorge
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Because you went through depression aswell

night gorge
void stag
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...

night gorge
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I want you to get a positive vision

void stag
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doesn't work

night gorge
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What makes you happy

void stag
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you can't run from yourself

night gorge
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Nature?

sharp basalt
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are you saying you are depression?

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bevuase your not

night gorge
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Depression is ruining you

sharp basalt
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just like i’m not my anxiety

void stag
void stag
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but being a guy doesn't mean I can reach this and that

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I might have an opportunity

sharp basalt
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i understand i’m not saying that

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i’m saying

void stag
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but not the ability

sharp basalt
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if other people can live on

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with how messed up and badly their life was

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why can’t you?

void stag
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I am not the other people...

night gorge
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Look

sharp basalt
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i understand that ofc your not

night gorge
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You need a vision

sharp basalt
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you need to be better

night gorge
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A positive vision

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You need more dreams

void stag
night gorge
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Maybe an own company

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Maybe a own band

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Maybe

void stag
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I had only one dream

night gorge
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What was that dream

void stag
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I just wanted to fix things

night gorge
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Keep that dream

void stag
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I just wanted to help people

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to improve their lives

night gorge
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Stop dreaming and make that dream come true

sharp basalt
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you can do that RIGHT NOW

void stag
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I just wanted to turn that half ruined land into something nice

sharp basalt
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in this server

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you are doing it RIGHT NOW

void stag
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I just wanted to educate ppl

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I just wanted

sharp basalt
void stag
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I wanted to make change

sharp basalt
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who is stopping you?

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who?

night gorge
void stag
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I wanted to improve things

night gorge
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We all want you to follow your dreams

void stag
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naive

night gorge
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We don‘t want you to stop you from those things

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We REALLY want you to do that

void stag
void stag
sharp basalt
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it’s not

night gorge
sharp basalt
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you are literally doing it rn

night gorge
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I got out of a drug empire

sharp basalt
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how are you telling me something is impossible as your doing it

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your not listening

void stag
sharp basalt
night gorge
sharp basalt
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to me

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your educating me

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your teaching me

night gorge
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Same for me tbh

void stag
night gorge
void stag
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where are the ppl I wanted to do it for...

night gorge
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Thats why you need to get rid of the dark

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Of the dark shadows

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Get to the sun

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Get that bright shiny side

void stag
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and burns

sharp basalt
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i understand you have come so far

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but YOU EVER SAID

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YOU WANT TO GO FURTHER

void stag
sharp basalt
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AND DO THOSE THINGS FOR PEOPLE

night gorge
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Do you currently have a job?

void stag
void stag
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I'm sorry

night gorge
sharp basalt
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why does it have to be in a certain place? why do you have to teach certain people

night gorge
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No need to be sorry

sharp basalt
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why can’t you teach me and others here

void stag
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I... I... I don't have a job. I haven't had any for almost 2 years

sharp basalt
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we are here for you

night gorge
sharp basalt
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do you need comfort or advice?

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we have have so much advice but you take none

night gorge
sharp basalt
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because your chosing the negative

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no one else is chosing that for you

void stag
night gorge
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Fuck the negative

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Think positive

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You‘re here for 19 years now

void stag
night gorge
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You cane this far

sharp basalt
night gorge
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While others didn‘t get the chance to live

void stag
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impossible

sharp basalt
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why do you keep saying wanted

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do you want

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or wanted to fix it?

void stag
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gave up

night gorge
sharp basalt
night gorge
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You see yourself as a loser because you instantly give up

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You need to do stuff

sharp basalt
void stag
sharp basalt
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only you can chose your path

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your chosing to stay in this dark state of mind

night gorge
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We are not choosing your path, we just want to make it better

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We want you to be happy

void stag
sharp basalt
night gorge
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And get to the positive siff

night gorge
sharp basalt
#

why don’t you atleast try?

void stag
sharp basalt
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so what if it is impossible

night gorge
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Currently we are your therapist

void stag
night gorge
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We are here for u

sharp basalt
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KEEP GOING THEN

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WHY DID YOU STOP

void stag
sharp basalt
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DONT YOU WANNA CHASE THAT DREAM AND BE HAPPY

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DO YOU WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS?

night gorge
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Chase that dream of helping others

void stag
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I... How to be happy

night gorge
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Do things you Like

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Hang out with Friends

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Wait I got a good idea

void stag
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I have no friends

sharp basalt
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us

night gorge
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You got us

void stag
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comrades

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good acquaintances

sharp basalt
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we’re right in front of you

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then become friends with us

night gorge
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I got no friends either

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Except online friends

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And tbh

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These people

void stag
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we stop this convo eventually and just forget each other... That's how this server works...

night gorge
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Make my life

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So much better

night gorge
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We are here for u

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I promise you

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I will text you every single day

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And ask you how you‘re doing

void stag
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but... Is it going to change anything?

night gorge
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You need to focus

void stag
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is it going to fix the things?

sharp basalt
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yes if you take action

night gorge
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It will make you happy

void stag
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I... I can't... It's too hard to just sit and do anything for 5 minutes

night gorge
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If we really get good friends

sharp basalt
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how about we all chase our dreams together

night gorge
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We will have fun

sharp basalt
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we push eachother

night gorge
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And it will make u happy

sharp basalt
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encourage eachother

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doesn’t that sound nice?

void stag
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no. Please don't push me

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I... I already have enough pressure in my life

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sorry

night gorge
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I got pushed by a guy I now call my homeboy

sharp basalt
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not like that

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no pressure ever

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we are here

void stag
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I know I'm weak and sensitive

sharp basalt
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for you

night gorge
sharp basalt
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i am too!!

void stag
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I know...

night gorge
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You are strong

sharp basalt
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we have your back

night gorge
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You make yourself appear weak

void stag
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I just... I wanted too much

sharp basalt
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as in pushing you i mean encouraging you

night gorge
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If you fall, we will catch you

void stag
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and... I... Can't handle the life

night gorge
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We will help you get up again

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We are here for you man

sharp basalt
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we’re all worthy of life

night gorge
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Even if I don‘t know you

sharp basalt
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that’s why we’re living currently

night gorge
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I really want you to stay alive

sharp basalt
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we both do

void stag
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and I... Don't have it ready. Nor submitted

void stag
sharp basalt
night gorge
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Yk I never talked about that but

void stag
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chickened out when i started rolling the tape

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or felt a rope too close

night gorge
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My own grandpa that I got from germany to austria told me i‘m a useless piece of shit

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And I deserve to die

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What did I do?

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I continued

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I didn‘t listen to him

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I focused

void stag
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uhh, good for you

night gorge
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My vision was shit

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At that time

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But

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As I said earlier

void stag
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it's cool you fixed it ig

night gorge
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You need to focus and make it shine

sharp basalt
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??!

void stag
night gorge
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Wait

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I got an idea

sharp basalt
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then why aren’t you chasing ur dream

night gorge
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Yk what

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Fuck this

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I‘ll go get my gun now

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And i‘ll end my life

sharp basalt
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no no

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listen

void stag
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oh

sharp basalt
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both of you guys

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i need you both

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to stay with me

#

this earth is so beautiful and i don’t want either of you missing out

void stag
night gorge
#

Nothing but who cares😂

void stag
#

you have your vision, your dreams, your hobbies

night gorge
#

It‘s only me afterall

void stag
#

you have the ability to feel well

night gorge
#

The drug addict

void stag
#

former one

night gorge
#

I‘m a drug addict

#

My grandpa wanted me desd

#

Dead

#

He even died in my arms in the hospital

#

Telling me im a useless fuck

#

Ig he‘s right😂

void stag
night gorge
#

All I do is ruin peoples lifes

void stag
#

he's a pile of bones now. He's the useless one

night gorge
#

I can join him

void stag
#

he's rotting in soil while you're trying to help people

#

why would you? You seem to be getting better and even doing good things

sharp basalt
void stag
sharp basalt
sharp basalt
night gorge
#

You made me realise

#

That i‘m not useless afterall

#

I‘m still here, aint I?

void stag
# night gorge I can join him

dude, that... I know that you got nothing to care about you and that life seems like a wild mess, but... You're getting out of this mess, you're getting better. There are issues, but you got your vision and ability. I... I am sure you can do something bigger in your life than just end it

night gorge
#

See, your dream ain‘t impossible

night gorge
#

That dream

#

Ain‘t a dream anymore

sharp basalt
#

i look up to you

void stag
sharp basalt
void stag
#

to feel okay

#

since my childhood

#

I have this idea

#

"I am bad. I am worthless"

night gorge
#

You‘re not worthless

#

You just helped me alot

void stag
#

and only by doing things and achieving I can feel... Mid/okayish

sharp basalt
#

we all feel that way

night gorge
#

Saved a teen from khs

sharp basalt
#

your chosing not to

night gorge
#

You‘re my hero i‘m looking up to

sharp basalt
void stag
#

I don't know how to rest

night gorge
void stag
#

I am just wasting all that time

night gorge
#

Remember the dream

#

You deadass helped me

#

Like actually

void stag
#

it's... I know it's illogical

night gorge
sharp basalt
night gorge
#

Man

void stag
#

but... I can't just fix something that was sitting in my mind for ~14-15 years

#

and became a cornerstone of me as a person

night gorge
#

Nothings perfect

#

I haven‘t fixed the thought of my mothers death either

#

And it won‘t happen yk

void stag
# sharp basalt why?

why illogical? Because I have a 4 cm thick folder with all my awards. Did it fix anything? Did it make me a better human?

#

I have shelves, filled with dozens, maybe a hundred of books I've wasted my childhood on

#

did it make me any smarter? Any stronger? Any kinder? Any better?

void stag
#

I played guitar. I am learning to play piano... But... None of that can fix me... It can just offer a tiny temporary relief. And then make everything worse

#

eh, all that ability... To do mediocre art... And what for...

night gorge
#

How are you feeling today @void stag ?

void stag
night gorge
void stag
night gorge
zinc glade
#

@void stag You really have a story to tell, reading what has happened in your life so far has truly moved and inspired me. Trust me, it has. <3

#

I know what it's like to feel very hopeless and Im currently struggling with my mental health, but really your story makes me immensely grateful. I know we're both going through a lot right now but at least for a few moments we're going to read each other's messages and that simple connection is valuable and meaningful, i believe, since it took both of our precise life experiences to bring us here

void stag
void stag
void stag
void stag
void stag
zinc glade
#

you should :)

void stag
# zinc glade you should :)

to be quite honest... I'm surprised that you, being a new one to the server (welcome btw) found my old journal and read it and even got inspired...

#

so.

11.5.26. 18:57

Haven't updated it in months
I submitted my thesis. 72 pages. Got A - 92%
I started sports. I abandoned them. again
In 2 days - on 13.5, 10:30 i'm having my finals. presentation of my thesis and state exams i'm barely half-ass half ready for
I've fallen in love... and it's kinda mutual. and... it's just messy and while she is a great partner, she can't do much and when i get my swings i feel horrible and suspect stuff that is logically impossible...

#

eh... at least, i re-asessed my dreams

#

at least i'm alive and try to carry on for someone

#

i still get swings

#

yesterday night i kinda tried sh... didn't do too much... not yet

#

not yet

#

i can't die. i promised myself i won't

#

my parents would go insane from the pain it'd cause them

#

and my partner's life would be ruined as well

#

but...

#

I... it's hard

#

it's very hard

#

hard to die

#

harder to live

#

that's why i just exist

#

one milestone behind

#

next one - ahead... right around the corner

#

i... i doubt i manage to get through this one

#

i fear

#

i hesitate

#

eh...

#

i even hit my head against the wall too hard. still alive. still with my conscioussness

#

alas

#

if only i was shot these 4 years ago...

#

if only...

#

there would be one broken heart less...

#

at least, my partner wouldn't have met me... wouldn't have attached... wouldn't have to go through immeasurable pain if i finally commit

#

she deserves someone way better anyway

#

i am hopeless.... i am helpless

#

as the midnight approaches

#

as my trial grows closer and closer

#

i find myself going more and more insane...

#

eh

#

yet

#

i gave Her my word... i promised that i won't do anything to myself

#

i... i want to

#

i crave to see my own blood... i want it...

#

but i gave my word

#

i can't break it

#

eh... how low i've fallen

#

how high i've jumped

#

how great it was... and how bad it was... and is

#

as if i did tear apart into 3 little me's... one - optimistic, happy and confident... one - absolute wreck... and one - numb and calm

zinc glade
#

i think you have a knack for writing

zinc glade
#

i could say the same for me.. exactly

#

just wow thank you.. 🥹

#

i feel so understood

zinc glade
void stag
void stag
zinc glade
#

if i see someone else feeling like this yet is still trying their best to move forward each day, it helps

void stag
zinc glade
#

you are more than you know

night gorge
#

Yoo

#

@void stag how are u doin?

void stag
night gorge
#

Hmm

#

What happend

#

If i‘m allowed to know