I don't know

[supple sapphire]

I won't go in detail but
Since childhood I have been alone
No one ever wished to stay by
My teachers were abusive and my parents believed whatever teachers told was true
I know my parents are not bad humans but they also didn't hold back their generational traumas
And 5 years ago something happened that shattered our home and it's not home anymore so i ran away and got into hostel
But it got worse and I wasted my whole year in absolute depression and when I finally started to heal these days
Things again started to fade away
I am too tired of holding up and always showing up for others where no one is there for me
And it's not in me to be selfish because it is who I am a caring person from the start
I have got emotional amnesia I don't even remember what I did yesterday since birth I have been so restricted from expressing emotions that now I am not able to cry and feel anything
And at the moment I am typing this my mind is wondering I am not even able to specify what I wanna share
I am too tired of being alone
I am too tired of these noises
At the same time of silence
This weight i wanna drop this weight but I am not able to allow myself
I crave human presence everyday
I have forgotten how it feels to be touched
I have never been hugged
Never been told it's all okay that now I can rest
Even doing basic things feels like exhausting
And no it's not like I am gonna vanish because I know vanish is a permanent solution to temporary problems but I don't know when my suffering going to end this feels like forever

[trail kraken]

You don't have to go in detail, and what happened in your childhood wasn't something you did and that abuse wasn't something you deserve and i'm sorry that no one ever wished to stay by you, i'm very sorry that everyone's been abusive to you.

5 years ago was in the past, you're in the future and what you've been through isn't something to be minimized, you're important and loveable just like everyone else, and people need you more than you think and if you were to disappear the world wouldn't be complete.

it's okay to be tired, and it's okay to be depressed, it's okay to feel this way when you're showing up despite the mental health issues you have.
you're a caring a person and you don't have to remember what happened in the past because the person you are now is amazing and even in the past you were amazing.

it's okay to crave human presence you're awesome and you truly deserve all the love you deserve.
everything's exhausting and that's fine.
vanishing isn't a permanent solution when you could live instead.

don't waste the times you've been strong and how much you've kept yourself strong.

[peak condor]

Sorry to say but she leaved already