#I am a perfect illusion of my dead self.

61 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

dense idol
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my real self no longer exists

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my ego completely died a few days ago

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it was already dying before

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but i distracted myself from it

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by helping and giving myself to others

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and almost building a second life

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that solely exists to help others

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i have gone through 5 years of domestic violence that shattered the real me

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and now i feel as if im going to die mentally

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and become a husk of a human being

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i cant even think selfishly for myself anymore

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if i still could i would already be dead

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and i have severe skin allergies too

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so i eat almost nothing every day

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and constantly want to rip my skin apart

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and the day i died

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was somewhere around 2021

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i had got beat up at school

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by both students then a teacher

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then i went home and got beat again

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with an ironer that was on

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and then as i layed in my bed

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staring at the moon and stars through my window

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bleeding in several places and being properly bruised

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i felt flies landing on my wounds

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and in this moment i felt my mind shattered and i had died

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i cant remember anything past 2 weeks now

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and i cant make eye contact with anyone

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i flinch at any movements close to me

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even a handshake makes me cower

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and now that my ego is fully gone

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ive lost my aspirations

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and have forgotten them

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my incapability to think for myself is why i cant find therapy

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and my oppressive family who still beat me down

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now i feel as if

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even this perfect illusion of the real me

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that i have weaved for myself

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will soon fade

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and with it my mind will go as well

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i want love and affection

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i want so many things

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but my own mind denies me thse things

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and i feel so shameful for yearning

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ive never had a childhood

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and i have to constantly ake everything

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fake*

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and pretend i have done these things too

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but i might as well should come to terms with my total self being destroyed

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if life serves me another bad hand

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then so be it

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why should it matter anyways

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if i no longer exist

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to anyone who reads this

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im sorry

bitter prawn
# dense idol i want love and affection

I'm sorry that not many people said this to you but you truly matter, more than anyone could've ever known and if you're dead it really would make me sad because you're really an amazing person and it wouldn't be right to see someone nice go.

you don't have to constantly fake everything and it'd be nice being genuine to yourself when everyone couldn't.
life isn't meant to be fair some people have it easier than others and it's easier said than done to pick yourself and get over it.

but you've got to live and live for yourself and you're not truly dead and you deserve to live so don't ever take that right away.

dense idol
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because without faking everything i have nothing

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and i will still live

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but with just my very mind and self gone

dense idol
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i failed