#I'm insecure

198 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

gusty heron
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I'm in a relationship, we went from friends to lovers.
Both of us have mental problems.
Long distance.

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I got manipulated, taken advantage of, and forced in my previous situation ship and relationships

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They all said they loved me, accept me, respect my stuff and they all were nice. Until they showed off their pervert side, wanting my body, ignoring my feelings and shi

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So yeah i think i got traumatized and in my current relationship. He's different from them

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He didn't rush things, didn't ask me for pics

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Didn't force me into doing anything

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I was supposed to feel safe

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but why do i feel like i'm not wanted, not desired and when he said he loves me for who i am

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I think of my past

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they said the same thing

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......

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He's also suicidal. When he tried to kill himself, i cried and asked him am i not important enough for him to stay, and i asked what about the promises and our plans????

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He just said he never said he would keep those promises

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And he said the meet up plan was just made up

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he wasn't going to live that far

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Ouch

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So i was the fool believing in everything???

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I know at that moment he was tired and only wanted to die, he was saying that because he wanted me to move on so he can go

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But no shit, i used to be suicidal too, i know how he felt and yeah. I said please, live for me

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That was very selfish of me. But i didn't have anything else in mind at all

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i cried and begged him not to kill himself

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But oh darling how i feel after everything

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I feel like i'm useless. I feel like i'm never important, i feel like people will easily leave me

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I need safety I need to feel safe

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i really need to feel safe

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im feeling like i'm living in constant fear of being left alone

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Just like how they always do

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They leave when i have no use to them

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i know not everyone is bad and not everyone come to me just to satisfy their twisted sexual needs

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But

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Why most people come to me and say they like me after just a short time seeing my bright and warm side

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then immediately ghost me when they realized i'm mentally ill

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The other stayed, but it was because mentally unstable people were easy to take advantage of

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You give me a small compliment and a tiny bit of attention

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My tail already wags its hardest for you

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Can i just be normal damn

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i hate being like this

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And

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I'm very jelous, possessive and obsessed

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It felt like a starving dog guarding its food

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I don't want anyone else to come near what i considered mine

gusty heron
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I couldn't keep anything

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they always leave me

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I cry

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yeah the most useful thing i can do? Cry

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I grew up crying, i cry over everything

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i'm a cry baby

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And it feels good when my tears make people feel bad/care for me

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But

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My partner

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he feels bad when i cry too

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but his reaction, how do i say.

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I realized he's mentally unstable too. And my tears make his mood go bad

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I tried to be strong, to be mature

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but yet, I still cry

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I nearly find comfort in my own tears now

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I lied to him on call that i'm fine, i wasn't crying

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he didn't believe it

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But whatever, i still wanted to get comforted while i cry, i want to get babied, i want to get pampered, pff i'm such a pathetic loser

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No one ever hug me and say everything's gonna be alright

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or

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"i'm here for you"

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I craved for that like a sinner craving for forgiveness and light

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I CRAVE FOR CARE, AFFECTION AND I WANT TO BE TOLD, BE HOLD AND BE A CRY BABY IN THEIR EMBRACE

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WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME ALONE "GIVING ME SPACE"

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WHY ARE YOU NOT SHOWING ME THAT YOU CARE!? I CANT KNOW IF YOU REALLY CARE FOR ME IF I DONT FEEL YOUR PRESENCE

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Ok stupid

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I hate when people tell me to grow up, be more mature

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IM STUCK IN MY 15

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IM STUCK IN THE DAYS I GOT USED AND IM STUCK IN THE PAST

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IT HAUNTS ME

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I know, i'm aware that the past is the past. I'm aware of what's wrong, i'm aware of the fact that i need to get over it to continue my life

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BUT I CANT

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It feels like i'm a doctor, i'm aware of my own sickness but i can't cure it

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Just because i can't

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Rn i just want to cry out loud and i wish someone is here, telling me they can feel my pain, tell me they understand, tell me that they're here

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but i can't

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and he, my love, i don't want to make he feel worse

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hes already tired in his own battles

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I wish i can take all his pain

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So he can be happy

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And i wish after that, i'll disappear and everyone will forget everything about me

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like i never existed

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But still. I crave for him

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I need him 24/7

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I want his attention

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his care

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...

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I want him

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🙁 ok this is stupid

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I'm not sure if he really means it now. I'm scared

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will he leave me

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will he?

gusty heron
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Okay

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everything will be fine

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Love is built on trust, affection and happiness

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The key for a long lasting relationship is

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Y'all need to confront each other about all the problems

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And don't let off each other

gusty heron
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I felt better now

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That maybe was a mental breakdown. I love my silly partner

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I'm scared of losing him, cuz he's suicidal too

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So i'm helping him out

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We will go together, he won't have to go through it alone

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Things are getting better ngl, hes been laughing and blushing and giggling and

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Feel happier

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than when i first met him

gusty heron
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my partner is so cute i wanna cry

earnest portal
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Oh darling i feel you, I'll be here if you need anything ❤️

gusty heron
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Thank you so much!

earnest portal
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Anytime

gusty heron
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Today we just talk more deeply

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and he told me how he felt

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the way he thinks of me

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everything

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DAMN.

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No one ever treated me like that before

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He made me feel loved, not in a sexual way or a lustful like

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it's really warm

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When he just love everything i do, even the way i stutter

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the way i see and think about the world

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he remember what i like and thinks of me whenever he sees them

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ARGGGGGHHHHHHH

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My heart feels so weird it was like fluttering and warm and i just can't breathe

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so this is love

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damn

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love is so beautiful

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Idk how to explain it

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It feels like i always crave for the sun but it was always burning me. And this time, i realized the sun is actually gentle, its warm brushes against my skin and caresses my cheeks, embracing me and telling me i deserve to be safe. It made me realize what was burning me wasn't the sun, the sun was always gentle. I was hurted by the darkness that i mistook for light

quartz imp
gusty heron
gusty heron
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I feel like i'm starting to be obsessed with my partner

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unhealthy obsession

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But when he told me he kinda feel too attached to me

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I get a twisted pleasure

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Well, if we're obsessed with each others

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That sounds like a great thing

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Two mentally ill people

gusty heron
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......

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Okay. I thought i've got through this

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but i'm still insecure about my face and my body

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Huh it's weird when my memory feels like fog

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sometimes i forget important things

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I just realized i love chocolate

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dark chocolate

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I used to buy chocolate for myself and enjoy it happily

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Why am i losing appetite

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I used to eat a lot of lolipops

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Now i dont even toch the candies i just bought from the store

gusty heron
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Okay today im exited to text him and his response was dry

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I showed him the soup i made and asked "do you like onions"

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He replied: "Ohhhh"

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Wdym ohh bro that was a question not a damn story 😭💔

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He was just silly, at first i felt kinda sad and overthink again but then i just snapped out of it

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Why would i doubt him

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I should not doubt his love for me

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Love is built on trust

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Not gonna lie love heals me too, i've been less sensitive and insecure

gusty heron
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I never stalk someone's reposts

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but i do to my partner

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And

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Idk how to react. We struggle with life, i've been bleeding but his wounds are even bigger

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I want to heal us both

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I'm sad he didn't tell me

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but he would ask me about my problems

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So i confronted him and make sure he knows he's not alone

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Not anymore

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He will never have to be alone

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As long as i'm alive

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And as long as we're together

gusty heron
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graaaa

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today we're playing game together

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and a guy in game kissed him as a joke

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and i wasn't mad at him bc wth that's not his fault

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why would i be mad at my partner for something he couldn't control

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but i'm kinda a lil uncomfortable

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i don't want what's mine get touched

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since i was little i'm possessive of all my stuff

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even a doll

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or a stick i picked up while walking

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i wouldn't let anyone else touch them

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is it unhealthy

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i'll try to fix it

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today's hes having so much fun playing

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but i got tired and stopped playing

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we're still in the call

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i'm quiet and just listening to him

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My precious is happy

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I'm happy

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but still i feel just a little, little bit feeling of wanting him to stop playing and talk to me

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lol

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But i'm glad he's having fun

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he should be happy all the timeeee

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He noticed me being quiet tho