#I just want to say some random things

1 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

quasi sandal
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Strangers--> Friends--> Best friends--> Partners

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I'm non-binary, masc

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He's a cis-guy, fem

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AT FIRST I THOUGHT I DONT HAVE A CHANCE

quasi sandal
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BUT AFTER A LOT OF "FLIRTING FOR FUN"

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And a dramatic confession

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I accidentally said i love him

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And then he said we can try, he said my gender doesn't matter

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And

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Since we're long distance. We promised to meet up after 7 years

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(I'm 18 and he's 20)

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We need time to finish college and get a job so we can pay for bills and our future

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We're both mentally unstable. I'm diagnosed with serve depression and anxious disorders

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And eating disorder

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But since the day we defined our relationship, planed for our path.

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I'm recovering

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i wanna be better for him

quasi sandal
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I feel safe

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Loved

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Cared

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Wanted

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Needed

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And i wanna make sure he feels the same

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Tho there's a lot of difficulties

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But we chosed to trust each other

quasi sandal
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Everything in life is fragile, even life

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I'm a cry baby who cries over little things

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I thought my tears are useless

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But that day, i cried and beg him not to commit suicide

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I realized tears aren't really bad

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...

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Then now

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I'm stronger

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More mature, more positive

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I was selfish to tell him "Live for me"

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But he's an amazing person, he deserves the best things in the world. I didn't know how to hold him back to life so i asked him to live for me

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He's changing to be better

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Life is hard, but i'm making sure he's not going through things alone

quasi sandal
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Actually there had been some people taking advantage of me, manipulate me and lied to me just to satisfy their twisted sexual behaviors

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(All happened online, thankfully. 😅)

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So i got traumatized without even knowing it

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I talked to AI about it and figured out i was groomed and used lmao

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But my love, this time, he's careful, gentle and protective. He didn't ask for pics, didn't lower me, didn't make me feel like a trash bag

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Hes just here, accompany me

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And helps me realize my own value

quasi sandal
quasi sandal
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I hate the mental issues aaaaa

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i keep feeling insecure and scared to lose him

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would it be better if i were born as a boy

quasi sandal
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I hate when he talks about his ex, or old crushes

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And

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I'm feeling like i'll lose him

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Because i was born a girl

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I identified as non-binary transmasc, and he already told me he loves me because i'm me, my gender doesn't matter

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I still feel my gender dysphoria

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I WISH I WASNT BORN AT ALL

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ok at this point i should change the journal's title to "My stupid thoughts"

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I just want to say some random things

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Ok i thought i got out of the past

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But no

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They still haunt me

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I hate my body

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i hate my voice

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I hate the way i always trust and get fooled

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and yet i still crawl back to them

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Just because they gave me a lil attention

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Today me and partner were in a call

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It was fun until he tease me and said he used to tease his ex by callin that guy "daddy" as a joke

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I feel jelous, scared, and un-sure feeling

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I started thinking about my partner's preferences

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he seems to like men, more than women

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(both of us may be pan)

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And well. Non-binary people like me, i wonder if the other enbies feel the same way as me

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I feel like i will never be accepted as myself

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i'm just gonna be a "wannabe a boy" in this society

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OK THATS IT

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I EVEN WENT TO A PSYCHIATRIST

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But can't afford the treatment

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And can't let my family knows

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i'm so cooked

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I wish i was a normal person

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please. why do i have to be like this

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i don't want to be like this

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I'm scared of men, since when i don't remember. I just know i don't feel safe around men, even in public, crowded places or in class

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Recently i feel envious of men and feel disgusted too

tropic helm
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you might need some therapy...

quasi sandal
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and women? I used to rely on their affection, and i love being around them, i love the care and love they give, like mothers to their child

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And i love hugs from my female friends too

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but now

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i stay in my room

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i'm scared of all genders

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i dont wanna be close to anyone

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anymore

quasi sandal
quasi sandal
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I'm trying all the "fixing tips" and read more

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But i hate everytime i have to talk and go outside

tropic helm
quasi sandal
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i still go to every class tho, need some praise fr (jk this is the basic human being things)

quasi sandal
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maybe get some help from friends could be nice

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Still. I Still think of what happened years ago

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Graaaa i was so stupid

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Nvm the trap was full of sweetness, anyone would fall for it haha

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No

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Who the hell am i trying to fool

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I was just stupid

quasi sandal
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OK ITS ONLY 10% MY FAULT

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Okay ignore that past-remembering thingy

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The gender dysphoria hits so bad i just want to sleep

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Ahhhh i wish i wake up in my desired body

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I hate the knocking sounds

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i hate loud voices

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i hate the sound of shattering things

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Ok, being depressed for 3 years

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went from the top 1 student, extrovert to an average person, living low-key closeted

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I miss my confidence, my grades, my energy

quasi sandal
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I went to class this morning. 06/01/2026

quasi sandal
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I hate being insecure. The unsafe feelings it gave me is stupidly annoying

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Cuz wdym my mind always compare me to people, even when i tried not to, and i've been trying to tell myself that i don't need to be like them

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How the hell do i make it stop

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i've been trying to fit in the stereotype or whatever

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but still, i don't feel like i belong to anywhere anyone

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Ok this is stupid

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I don't want to think anymore

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i just want to sleep

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i dont wanna go back to the psychiatrist office

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she was nice

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but i dont

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i dont wanna see her again

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That day was nice to

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the sun was gentle. But the loneliness is crazy cuz i went to that mental hospital alone

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i cried a lot there too

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But the docs and nurses just softly told me to take my time, they told me to calm down and do the tests

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i cried so much

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i didn't cry for weeks before i went to the mental hospital

quasi sandal
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Great. Last night when i was having a mental breakdown my teacher gave us an assignment and it's due in 1 hour. And i didn't get a notification from my phone, so i missed the deadline

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But it's fine. I'm trying to hold myself together, and i'll still can fix things

quasi sandal
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"I changed because of you"

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"You made me want to be better"

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"I stayed because of you"

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"I'm better because of you"

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They said that

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And it made me feel like i'm useful, like i have value and it gave me happiness when i think i can help people

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Boom

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They lied.

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"I love you and everything about you"

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You didn't, you only love when i send you my belly, you only love when i listened to you

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You only love when you used me to satisfy your needs

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You only love me when i'm being a doll all for you to play with

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and toss away

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when you are bored

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and

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To all of you, who lied and used me

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I hope y'all feel the same way as me when y'all destroy me

quasi sandal
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ok nvm

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maybe it's not so bad cuz if i can date myself i'll try

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that means i'm not that bad-?

quasi sandal
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Wth did i just wrote

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ignore that

quasi sandal
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Ok

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the mental breakdown and gender dysphoria is gone now

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i'm a wonderful person again

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RAWWWWRRRRR

quasi sandal
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i get so obsessed

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ok wth

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i used to wish, to crave for someone who would call me their boy

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now my partner do