#Rouku's journal of endless judgement

61 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

nocturne pawn
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i wanted to try journaling again, since last school year i was low in like, my life.
id love to express my emotions and thoughts here.

heres my introduction idk
my name is Rouku
im 13,
any pronouns
hmm guess my favorite animal...
i dont have any favorite food,
im Aroace( means i experience no romantic and sexual attraction literslly ever simce i was born)

some facts about myself and this journal:
i only have one bsf i love her since i met her 4 years ago,we arent talking to eachother the level of how much we talked to eachother during the peak of my friendship
im a magnet of embarrassment, by that i mean daily theres always something thats gonna be embarrassing to me and it would stick to my head for a week.
i hate being judged it makes me feel worse ,
i got no crushes or any attraction or even anything on the internet, makes me question myself everytime someone mentions something about their romantic partner.
i struggle with communication, i might leave you on read because i cant even start communicating.
im really just lonely at school and everywhere, this is gonna be boring ig.
theres gonna be ups and downs with this journal lol

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some facts about me im proud of:
I started to finish my food and drink tons of water this Decemberdoggo doggo
for the last 5 FRICKIN YEARS i had struggled with finishing my food, i have no idea why but i just couldnt, and i didnt like drinking water and having to do it daily, its very important i know but like even i couldn't understand why i dont want to.

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oh and i have 7 dogs that i love hugheart
their all shih tzus and very awesome

nocturne pawn
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i didnt realise id face this omf

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i pissed my pants trying to unlock the door to the bathroom in my cousins house LMFAOO.(which i visit only once a year) theres 2 people in here,ones my ignorant older brother and one is literally sleeping, i couldnt find the charger to call any other relative because my phones 0%, found 100 outlets 6 chargers and 0 that fit my phone…

ofcourse i didnt just ignore my pants they werent fine its gross. i changed it already

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this day been fun its 2 hrs away from 2026 i still feel jolly from christmas, i couldnt communicate to my ither relatives and i feel like theyre staring at me thinking that ive change so much just because im a teen and not theyre small unicorn loving child

nocturne pawn
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awesome my day is fucking ruined

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its 2am i hate my disgusting fucking brother so much

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i cant contain it

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this is just stressing me the fuck out

nocturne pawn
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js slept the entire day and i appreciate the gifts i got this year this snow globe is awesome

nocturne pawn
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1/2/26

slept all day yesterday
nothin to say

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1/3/26
the keychains that i bought bsf just arrived i wanna see her reaction lols

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i cant stop biting the inside of my mouth

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i need bubble gum

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i havent tasted bubblegum in like 5 months

nocturne pawn
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1/4/26 school breaks over tommorow is school again

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this is js awesome

nocturne pawn
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1/5/26
there was a girl who wrote the cringiest secret note ever, itnwas an activity the whole class had to do it and then the teacher reads it anonymously, this girl wrote sum appreciation to the teacher and proceeds to write " even though you are sassy "
the whole class didnt know what sassy meant and literally it sounds pretty cringe only because of the place i live in.
she proceeds to write like " even though im a transfer student"
SO THEN IT COMES DOWN TO LIKE 3 PEOPLE BRO THERES ONLY 3 WHO SPEAKS ENGLISH AND IS ANTRANSFER STUDENT NOW PEOPLE ASSUME ITS ME I FEEL SO JUDGED TO THINK THEYRE JS LAUGHING AT ME. by the way the girl i was referring to was like different , not in a bad wy but i wouldnt like to be her when shes the complete opposite of me except that we both cant make any friends and nobody would like to talk to us.

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i feel very evil and judgmental, i hope that i can change but the only reason ican think of for this is that i wanted to be normal, and to fit in but i hate the fact that i cant even communicate or speak my language properly, i dont want to hate on a specific person, like id actually love to give everybody i meet a tiny frog, maybe a duck or something or bubble gum, i would like to do that everyday.
i also wouldnt wanna js be kind to because apparently being kind gets people to hate on you, i cant explain it but if you are kind all of the time then youd be considered weird..

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i love this little journal thing im grateful for whoever made this bro

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i have a lot to say today im surprised,
the main thing on my head for a while is that the online me is VERY very lively, i wish i could transfer my online self to real life, i feel comfortable talking anywhere online i think its because i wont see them judge me , if someone came up to me irl asking to be their friend i would start panicking but online id gladly say yes, but i know i have to eventually face my own problems soon.

nocturne pawn
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ive never been so happy to type my own thoughts in my whole frickin life , i feel so expressive and overall happy to just be like this, i hope some day things can get better

nocturne pawn
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oh jeez i keep forgetting to type here

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nah im pretty sure i dont have to do it daily

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probably only when im bired

nocturne pawn
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i laughed at this too loudly my mom thinks im insane

IMG_6084.png
nocturne pawn
nocturne pawn
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i love my life im grateful for living bro

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i hate the fact that last night i was questioning my existence

nocturne pawn
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oh on 1/6/26 my bsf fell on a singular step and then i saw her immediately sit down, the food she bought like 1 minute ago also fell she didnt even got to try it lmfao

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right infront of i think 7 people that im sure they saw

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5 are classmates 1 is on the other section

nocturne pawn
nocturne pawn
# nocturne pawn i hate the fact that last night i was questioning my existence

i think i was on this phase yesterday because i reread the book I have no mouth & i must scream,
that book that i read like the original one when i was 10, not even kidding.
slightly scared me alot that i had trouble sleeping for one day, its not that traumatic but that book was amazingly written. then i got into a loophole where i just searched one thing on tiktok and then i search and search and the topic changed to an entirely different thing, now im invested how the universe and humans work

nocturne pawn
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hell week this week. legs hurting body aching face changing and shi

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plus school work a ton of assignments

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and lots of groupings

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i need to practice communication smh im over her typing out my problems on a random dc server

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damn i want snow days in my country

nocturne pawn
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1/19/26
i genuinely think im entering a new era, i talked longer and clearer today without feeling very very judged, i spoke to other people i dont encounter much or speak with, its like im just invisible and i love that.
like the moment a came home i scrolled to a haircut vid, like 10 minutes after no joke i told my mom i want to cut my hair short cause my long hair its always making me look even more stupid and depressed and my hair is looking like spaghetti strands.....
i did it now im very happy, and like today i didnt need much entertainment cause im so fullfilled rn i probabky spent more time with my dogs rather than social media.
this the only day im happy rn and also maybe because i get to use my new phone , (its just an upgrade like my mom bought a better phone so now i have to have her phone.)

nocturne pawn
nocturne pawn
nocturne pawn
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i hatw my life

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genuinely its just a rollercoster rn

nocturne pawn
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i love my life

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i think like my classmates from my other school last year has dramatically changed during this grade

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seeiously one of the most nonchalant people ever from that school became randomly popular

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so now like

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whens mine

nocturne pawn
nocturne pawn
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like some parts of this new era im in keeps going off and im back to being so quiet and so introverted

nocturne pawn
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i think i might be depressed, i did so hard trying to hide the fact that i am not knowing that when all my problems start to come to my mind and overthink about it , my chest starts to feel so empty and deep, i hate the fact that i am like this, trying to fix my mistakes but it still shows, i cant control my sensitiveness , i cant control my bad communication skills, i cant control a single thing in my life and having it not be controlled makes my mind and my soul feel so miserable..
i hate seeing other peoples lives , how better they are at being able to control everything, everything i wanted, everything simple that iwished for but cannot do.
my coping mechanisms doesn't even work anymore, it works for only an hour up until i start remembering, and distancing myself from everything again.
quite literally all my motivation to continue anything is because of my mom, my friend ,my future and the fact my coping mechanisms involve me to ignore the problems and never mention it ever again.
every night i always remember a few pieces of my past mistakes, recalling how stupid i am to do this and do that... realizing i havent changed anything at all, and that those small mistakes i still do to this day, i cant find peace and happiness while my mind is still the same.

nocturne pawn
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like when im already frustrated of a few minor events that happened to me coming along a major one well i just ignored it perfectly instead of having these events destroy me or have me frustrated and stresse even more

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one time it was filming day for a trailer we were supposed to do that was just an activity from my school, last week of that we made props that were going to wear and when it was filming time i realised my props were just too big, the chest plate sucks my headgear slips into my head , i ignored it then all of a sudden all the available vehicles are just full and taken so i had to squeeze myself in my classmates vehicle that i knew they hated me for, when i got there i was left behind cause i didnt pay the driver yet so ofcourse i struggle trying to open my backpack cause of the chestplate getting in the way and all the 4props i had to hold, my wallet was all the way on the botrom ofcourse it took a chunk of a minute to grab, and a big 2 minutes to re organize everything back in and also somebody that had witnessed quite literally me getting embarrassed in every other incident was there watching me telling me it was okay, did that help? no but it made it worse because i hate being judged, telling me something while im on pure over stimulation is making me break down even more but thank goodness my mind was not really out of control today ans i didnt cry, that was surprisingly amazing but ofcourse my headgear keeps slipping i aksed for tape 5 times to anybody and they all said no, one person also had headgear too big and somebody compromised for them and used string to hold it together so like great thanks so much for the help. once the filming was done i realized that quite literally all this struggle is for nothing because i didnt even show up in the video, they didnt use me for anything at all like only me im not joking, i messaged my driver and had to stand 30 minutes in the place they were filming at and they told me to move alot of times which was just amazing cause i know they judged me alot and it made me even MORE frustrated.

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oh did i mention like 2 hours before all this happened i didnt know what was going i asked 2 people and my bsf they all ignored me and said random stuff which did not help at all and inored me completely i had no clue i kept messaging my friend what to do and shes js not responing, so i h ad to sit at the guard house imfront of the gate of my school to witness all the people that had seen me get embarassed judge me everytime they walk past me fpr ONE HOUR AND THIRTY MINUTES realizing that i couldve just went in the airconditioned classroom. it was 34 degrees outside no joke and i had no fan so thats really awesome

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Rouku's journal of endless judgement