#Derealization (or something like it)

78 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

little wagon
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Yo, can someone help me real quick, nothing crazy but I’ve had some derealization or something like it for the last 10 ish days
I jus don’t feel real, and when I look at things or feel things it’s kinda off, br like it objectively isn’t, idk

turbid oasis
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Real

stable pawn
little wagon
stable pawn
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Welp he left so I can’t really continue this.

dusk magnet
stable pawn
dusk magnet
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I'm not srj

stable pawn
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Oh sorry

dusk magnet
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But overall I sort of just feel drained of my energy

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Like just depleted emotionally

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Almost really depressive and dead inside

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emotionally numb

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Apathy

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I just feel like sleeping forever just to escape what I am feeling

stable pawn
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Has anything happend to you recently or before you started feeling this way?

dusk magnet
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Honestly

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It's been like this for a good while now

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I just often constatnly feel depressed

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I've had derealization

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Where at one point everything just feels meaningless

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Idk but I really just don't feel anything at all

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It's what kicking me down

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But yeah, I think mainly my mind just has OCD and races like crazy

stable pawn
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So you think all this is connected to your OCD?

dusk magnet
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my therapist think I may have it

stable pawn
dusk magnet
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How I should act in this situation and that situation

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I come from a background of severe social anxiety

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back then

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Where every single conversation felt like "test" if I am being liked or not

dusk magnet
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I'm not really OCD in terms of like having to do something externally repititiously every single time

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I think I def more OCD when it comes to just my own psyche and organizing my mind

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Like in terms of the rules I hold to myself since I know I come from a trauma background

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So I use those rules I made from my expierence socially to make it so that I will fit right in with normal people

stable pawn
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That isn’t uncommon and just your brain not wanting to repeat the same mistakes twice. In your document, give me a situation that you’ve written about

dusk magnet
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Rather then just like a "specific" social situation

stable pawn
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That’s fine with me.

dusk magnet
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**"My idea of how relationships worked was completely twisted and unhealthy with no freedom boundaries at all.

Insecurity makes me constantly seek approval from others. It's a constant chase and game to get everyone to love me. I feel like my worth is below everyone and I need to get everyone to love me in order to feel like I am safe and valued. Relationships just constantly feel like an audit of whether or not I am still accepted by others just for existing. I wanted to avoid abandonment and humiliation. In a sense, it plays into an ontological insecurity where other people are inherently valid but I am the only one conditionally allowed to be valid, where I enter relationships as a supplicant.

My past view and belief of relationships is that everyone must get equal attention in life. Every single human must have equal bonding status relationships to be entirely connected, which means the irony is that this means there is no chance for me to have deep relationship bonding with anybody. I believed instead that I must focus on each relationship with equal attention or otherwise it would again feel like betrayal to my other relationships because I made a priority with a deep relationship.

Having deep relationships feels like betraying and disconnecting other relationships with others because certain specific people would have a priority with themselves over other relationships. The irony for me was that I can’t feel like I am fully respected and valued without being made a priority for everyone’s respect and attention. It basically goes on to say that I don’t want anyone else to have a deep bonding relationship but they should all instead have a deep bonding relationship with me."**

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I haven't added a specfic rule to this

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But the applied rule I have been using is to relearn healthy boundaries with others

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To engage with otehr people rather then forcing my presence with them

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But like that's far more ambiguous then cleanly structured to be able to integrate healthy boundaries

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Prolly shoulda warned you how extensive this is....

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Even sometimes I get too overwhelmed constantly applying these rules and these framework to my mindset

dusk magnet
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@stable pawn you there?

stable pawn
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I’ll talk later, I’m in school rn

stable pawn
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If you were to find yourself a partner, then how would you deal with it? Would you keep the "attention" on the same level as all other friendships? Or would you give more attention to your partner?

dusk magnet
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As now of now

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But before, I thought relationships shouldn't be exclusive like this

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I had no understanding of boundaries at the time

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By "attention" I mean like I should be spending more time with them...Like how best friends spend time with each other....My idea was that felt exclusive and that instead every friend should be all spend time with each other at the same level, if that makes sense

stable pawn
dusk magnet
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ppl bond with each closely for a reason

stable pawn
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Don't you recon it could be the same but with friendships?

dusk magnet
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At the time I didn't know

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But I now understand ppl split into smaller and smaller friend groups for a reason

stable pawn
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And how did you find that out?

dusk magnet
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But if I had to guess

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I'd say that I was wondering what I really wanted in life

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What I really wanted to get out of life

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Since shallow relationships were never going to fulfill me

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being friends witha bunch of people without a close relationship was never going to fulfill me

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It was never going to fulfill the desire to be loved and wanted

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So I guess to a degree I just understand that close relationships are just formed out of convinience

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And out of spending time together

stable pawn
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And how would you say you're feeling now?

dusk magnet
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Now that I know the truth