Worsening Depression (Early-Grad Edition)

[narrow root]

Ever since I graduated high school early this past Friday, it reminded me that I now have no structure in my life. Now I will have to find something to do for the next 9 months until I go to college. That might seem easy for some people, but I struggle from depression and the never-ending doom of multiple other illnesses. Trying to find something to do with little to no energy, no motivation, and no purpose makes it the most difficult thing to do something productive. My few goals for this upcoming year were to actually brush my teeth for once, do my laundry and clean my room, go out for walks around my neighborhood, go out to do sports and other events, crochet, color, journal, and socialize with friends. But now that I write all of that down, it hurts me to say that I know some of those things (and most likely all of them) will eventually cycle back to what they were before. No matter how much I try to bring my life together, I always manage to move back to square one subtly. And its even worse now that I have too much time on my hands, no motivation, and I see no purpose for the inevitably scary future ahead of me...Idk what to do.

[crimson rain]

Hey Alli, it’s really nice to see you graduating. I’m genuinely happy for you and proud of you for making it through high school. I know how hard it’s been for you, especially trying to keep a schedule and take care of yourself while your mental health feels like it’s getting worse every day. That takes so much strength, even if it doesn’t feel like it.

I really believe that it starts with learning to be confident and kinder to yourself. You are the same person, just as lovable and deserving as everyone else, and that doesn’t change just because you feel unmotivated or stuck sometimes. Nothing about you is less or broken.

I know there are days when you want to shut everyone out, when you have no energy, no mood, and you’re just exhausted. I understand that feeling. But even in those moments, you’ve still been strong. You’ve still kept going. And there are people who care about you and love you, even when it’s hard to see.

Life doesn’t have to be fully figured out right after high school. It’s okay to feel lost, it’s okay to feel stuck, and it’s okay to take your time. What matters is that you’re here, you made it this far, and you’re doing the best you can. That already means more than you think.

And I really want you to keep going, so you can become the woman your younger self would be proud to see, the person she always needed, always hoped for, and never had. be that person for her.

It doesn’t have to be for anyone else. It doesn’t have to be for approval, or someone else's expectations, do it for yourself. because the person who knows you best, who understands more than anyone else ever could, is you.

[narrow root]

Oh wow that was actually so kind of you, I hope you know that you put a smile on my face. And every single day I try to be better for that little girl, I promise I do. But she probably always had lower expectations because of how she was treated. Every second I want to do better so she could have the live she wanted. Its just hard, yk? Getting up everyday and thinking that I have to find something to do to pass the time in the day. Its not normal like the things I want to do, that pass time naturally without me even thinking of it.

[crimson rain]

I know you try to be better every day, and I know you lower your expectations so you won’t feel disappointed. but, do you really want to be the person she would be disappointed in? If everyone else already made her expect less, then be the person she can expect more from.

I know it’s hard, but you really are amazing. You don’t have to force anything. do it slowly, in a way that feels comfortable for you. And always remember this, just keep going. When you keep going, there will be times you fail, but eventually things begin to fall into place.

And I’m sorry that everyone made you feel like you were different, or that it forced you to expect less from people just to protect yourself. I’m sorry they did that to you. I know you never asked to be strong, and I know that this isn’t the life you wanted or imagined for yourself. You didn’t choose to carry all of this, but you did anyway, and that matters more than you realize.
This burden isn't for you to carry.

[narrow root]

I know that I have to be better for her, but im insanely bad with keeping habits and trying new things to keep myself occupied

It's just so difficult, and idk what to do

[crimson rain]

I know it’s hard to keep yourself occupied. It’s easy to get distracted by things and hard to keep a schedule, breaking the cycle can seem really difficult when you get distracted easily, and I know it’s hard to be kinder to yourself.

I also know that you’re trying. You’re doing your best because you want to be the best version of yourself for your younger self, and it gets really frustrating, I completely understand that. I know you’ve tried, and you’ve tried very well.

It’s amazing that you try so consistently, even if it fails sometimes, but you just have to keep trying. I know it may seem like it won’t get anywhere, but it will. I’ll be here for you, it gets easier with someone there.

Even if it seems like everyone else doesn't understand you, or if you feel like you need to stay closed off, I can be the person to bring you comfort when you can’t do it on your own anymore and you feel like giving up.

[narrow root]

I really do appreciate you for taking the time out of your day to give me positive advice. Not many people give me the advice and pep talk that you just did.

I also know it's disgusting to say this, but im gonna try to start taking care of my body. Teeth first. They have seen better days...heh.

[crimson rain]

I don't find you disgusting. I think it's beautiful to see someone take care and have a better life while they try their best to be kinder to themselves, especially when people around them weren't kind enough to do it, so they have to be kind to themselves.

I'm really happy, and I know it won't be easy. It's gonna be hard and it'll have setbacks, but those are what show that you truly try. You do your best and you do it for yourself, and that's something I really admire about you.
It's something beautiful about you.

Keep yourself confident, Alli. I know the people around you weren't kind enough to do it themselves so you have to do it on your own, but always remember that you're someone beautiful. Don't ever hate yourself when you look in the mirror. You're beautiful, I truly believe so, and you'll look even better when you take care of yourself.

[narrow root]

Oh my goodness, you're a true blessing. I'm not sure what happened to you for you to be this way, or if this was a self-choice. But you've told me everything I needed to hear. I'm so grateful that you've been helping so many people. It's a gift to be able to help others and help yourself at the same time.

[crimson rain]

It's even more of a blessing to talk to someone like you. You've been doing your best and I can see that, and I feel really sad that I couldn't have told you the words you needed to hear sooner. Please take care of yourself, Alli. The world is a better place with you in it, so don't ever remove yourself. The people that tell you that you are terrible are people that don't see your worth. They don't see the kind of person that keeps herself strong in front of others, so live your life, Alli.

[narrow root]

So nobody respects my time and it's shows. I won't go into details, but I feel like everyone I surround myself with is just plain out self-centered

I feel so frustrated because I keep letting it happen

[crimson rain]

Hey! I'm sorry to hear that you're surrounded by self-centred people. I'm also sorry that no one respects your time, and I'd like you to know that you matter.
Everything you do matters, including the time you spent making and typing this message, and the time you give to people.

You don't have to explain what happened or why you feel this way.
You are someone that matters and deserves privacy and respect for their decisions. I want you to know that it's not your fault if it keeps happening.

You don't deserve to feel neglected. You don't have to feel like you're asking too much, because you truly matter in this world. I'm not going to say 'just like everyone else', because you're not like anyone else. Being you is what makes you different.

I'm sorry that you're surrounded by people who can't see the time and energy you put into them and don't seem to appreciate it at all.
This isn't OK. You deserve to be treated with respect and love.

Stop giving them your energy and time, and put it towards yourself, because you know your own worth, and you know how to truly appreciate it.
So spend time on yourself instead.
Only give your time to people who make you feel like you matter in this world.

[narrow root]

I want to take my anger out on other people rn so bad bc people r making me mad and everything is going wrong

Something is wrong with me and idk what it is

Im just beyond upset and idk what to do anymore

Its like im self-sabotaging or smth

[crimson rain]

Hey don't self sabotage yourself.

[crimson rain]

You're awesome and it's alright to feel, everyone gets angry and even the most nicest people get angry.

Don't feel mad about yourself there's nothing wrong with you.