scenic juniper
hi, i'm denver. feeling super reflective rn cause i'm listening to feelsy music, but hopefully i can be consistent with this journal, unlike all the others i've made. maybe the publicity of this one will help?
know:
okay, hi, good night discord mental health server.
it's 7:50 rn, i have a math test tomorrow and i'm doing this right now instead of reviewing formulas--smart, i know.
i think i'm starting to question my gender again??
it's been maybe two years since i settled on being agender and even longer since i chose the name denver
but now i dunno
i've been way more feminine lately? honestly, i think it might just be because i'm around less people who use he/him pronouns with me now, so i'm kinda fitting into whatever bowl they pour me in.
at the same time, i've been using my full name less online, instead of denver, i join servers as ver, which is new. i dunno if this is a shift in my view of myself is only happening with my online persona or not. maybe i'm bored of the online name i've been using (which is also just my normal name, denver) but there's also the chance that i'm not fw this name anymore in general
there's another persona i kinda adopted. on a social media account i use, i go by sylver and use he/him pronouns
problem is, i don't interact with people with that account, so i actually have no clue if i prefer that or not
oh well i guess, cause i do have to start doing math soon, sooooo, goodbyee
-- 7:59pm
scenic juniper
10:44am
i miss when i was good at school
i just got so much lower than i needed in my final exam to get an A in math, i'm probably in B territory, but this was literally my last final exam for math until i graduate
i'm so upset, i thought i'd make my way through it like always, but obviously i did not
devoted so much time to dumb topics, and not enough to the harder ones
everyone else was talking about how the test was simple, and they were able to work through it
i'm maxing out in the high 30s out of 65, i'm so upset with myself rn
if i get 32.5 out of 65 i can't even get a B
i'm actually so cooked
at the end of the day it's my fault i guess
i've been doing so well too
-- 10:55am
scenic juniper
3:06pm
i'm mostly over it. have no exams tomorrow, so i can make up for my math and literature grades with my biology and history grades. god knows my french grade won't help anything
luckily we don't have any letters to write for this exam, so french will be easier than usual
anyway, 2/8 exams over
i'm feeling christmassy right now, i should start working on the bracelets for my market
can't wait to get home
-- 3:09pm
scenic juniper
9:22pm
started a drawing. i said i wouldn't do that until my exams are over, look at me now
i have physics lessons tomorrow. i missed last week so i have to look at what they did to catch on to what's happening in class
he's so stiff, it annoys me
and his hand is maybe too small? i dunno his wrist looks dainty
anyway, i'm done
-- 9:28pm
scenic juniper
3:22pm
i got a B in math, thank goodness
i hardly got it: scraped by with a 76% but i'm so glad i got anything
i didn't have a test today, but i have physics class later and i dunno what they did last week so i'll spend the two hours before looking at that stuff
i have my bio test tomorrow though, and my french and history tests on friday
thankfully french doesn't have letter writing
-- 3:26pm
scenic juniper
4:42am
i fell asleep without studying a lick for bio. i should be okay though, bio is much easier than my previous two subjects
i'll start studing after i shower
-- 4:43am
scenic juniper
12:41pm
biology was alright, i think i did well
scenic juniper
2:59pm
i had french and history today, i dnf my second history essay but french was surprisingly good
especially considering i didn't study much
scenic juniper
12:41am
i need to start making my jewellery today. my market is on the 13th so i need to make as much as i can before then
i should have a quota, maybe:
14 pairs of earrings (pretty easy to make)
5 chain necklaces
20 stickers? (those ones take work so)
at 30 bracelets (of which i already have like 17) i might bump that up to 40 though
5 of those twisty hair bangles
maybe some anklets too
i'm just throwing numbers at the wall right now, i dunno if they're final
i'll start with the easy stuff first though: earrings and the chunky bracelets
-- 12:44am
scenic juniper
8:50pm
i started making stuff today:
4/14 pairs of earrings
1/5 chain necklaces
1/5 hair bangles
i'm lowk getting tired though (i hardly even did anything so idk why)
-- 8:51pm
scenic juniper
7:45pm
11/14 pairs of earrings
3/5 chain necklaces
4/5 keychains (changed my mind on the hair things)
15/30 bracelets (i got my stuff back)
-- 7:47pm
scenic juniper
nevermind. i can't really do any of this well
sometimes i really wish i wasn't here
i have 6 more months of this
then it's over
idk if i'll last that long
scenic juniper
i just did an assigmnent 3 months late
hope i still get my grade
if i don't it might be it for me
i hate being the mediocre second born after having a wonderful first kid
i'm so cooked
scenic juniper
got my report today
it wasn't as bad as i expected
it might be the last normally formatted one i have before i graduate, i dunno how they work next term
that means that i'm done with that stuff, and in my 4 years of attending here, i haven't had an overall mark higher than a B+ or lower than a B
it's consistent i guess, but not good
it's so crazy that i'm graduating next year
oh i also spent like all day with the guy i like, his mom, and our friend, making christmas decorations for an event coming up
if i can say anything, he's so pretty
scenic juniper
and really cute when he's whiny, even if i'll never admit that to his face. he's so handsome when he's focused too.
.. i started typing this last night and fell asleep
scenic juniper
the market was a success!
made almost 800 dollars 💞
and i got to hang out with my friends while doing it
it was all worth it
oh and i hung out with him a lot too
he's so cute when he's excited, he showed me some of his music and he gets so smiley when people compliment him about it
genuinely so so cute like omg
anyways, i should probably start formatting my posts again
i stopped cause i was getting like super sad
scenic juniper
This is a cool book
thank you!! hellooo
scenic juniper
go to sleep bro😭
urban wigeon
Ok vro chill
urban wigeon
rest is important 🙏
Aight see ya
scenic juniper
Aight see ya
byeeee
scenic juniper
thank you 
scenic juniper
7:00 pm
had my first day of chemistry vacation classes today. him and i came at the same time and sorta raced into the school. i don't like that i'm talking about him this much in here, i feel annoying when i do it. but i really like talking about him and i, and i really like him
i also had math class today. thankfully, my teacher didn't grill me about where i was last week, and it was actually a pretty calm class.
to my own disdain, i'm gonna talk a little more about him.
he's a musician, and an athlete, and a nerd, and i'm so incredibly enamoured by him
i caught him looking at me when i was leaving, i made sure to wave goodbye
he showed me a lot of his music on saturday too
when we were packing up after the market, he played some songs he'd composed digitally, then played one on the grand piano
when i complemented them he was so excited and smiley. he literally giggled. he's so cute
we're supposed to be going to the beach on wednesday, us two and our friend who was also helping with the event setup
can't wait for that, all the friends that can ground me can't come though </3
actually, talking about the friend who's coming with us
he knows about how i feel about (let's call him moth). and he's said that in hanging out with moth he thought it was probably mutual
i can only hope though
moth is such a gem
he's genuinely made me a better person. the way he is around little animals that people usually dislike (bugs, frogs, snakes, lizards, etc) made me consider how i am around them too
i've found myself being much nicer to little creatures thanks to moth
i'm so happy i met him
anyways, i have to go now
-- 7:15 pm
scenic juniper
1:05 pm
i got bored during chemistry class and did this. moth is the snake, i'm the fox rat dog thing
scenic juniper
5:26 pm
i'm not going to the beach with moth again tomorrow.
i have extra math lessons that my mom won't let me skip even though i already have that class 3 other days this week.
m actually so upset rn
i'm not even bad at math, lessons culture is so ass
scenic juniper
2:09 am
i made 4 anklets, these are fun to do :]
anything is more fun to make than bracelets at this point
i still have chemistry tomorrow (today?) though
and i have to leave way earlier for exam registration of my computer
i'm so tired of all of this exam stuff
ugh
-- 2:11 am
scenic juniper
2:45 pm
maybe i'm too pushy. sorry moth
anyway, managing my business instagram right now
posting a bunch of stuff for sale
scenic juniper
10:46 am
merry christmas!!
i got some snacks and two keychains from my friend
i'm not getting stuff from my family until like next week
cause we're travelling
scenic juniper
it's technically my birthday!!
i'm two hours behind my home time zone, but back home, it's the 29th
i'm sixteen now
ancient portal
HAPPY BIRTHDAY 🥳
scenic juniper
HAPPY BIRTHDAY 🥳
thank you!!!
ancient portal
thank you!!!<:hugheart:1322460751419539547>
hope you had a great dayy🤗
scenic juniper
7:17 am
i went to a basketball game yesterday, it was super fun🤞
scenic juniper
hope you had a great dayy🤗
i did!! thank you so much 🫶
ancient portal
i did!! thank you so much 🫶
im glad to hear that☺️
ancient portal
7:17 am
i went to a basketball game yesterday, it was super fun🤞
sounds amazing!
scenic juniper
it totally was
scenic juniper
im so over this bedroom bs
i want my room to be mine all the time,
and at least asked before making decisions about where i'll be sleeping for two nights
scenic juniper
so much to do and so little motivation to do it
also idk if this is autism or me just being unreasonable cause i'm immature
scenic juniper
i overthink so very much when it comes to moth. moth's mom called him because our school got dismissed early and i answered their phone (i know moth's mom pretty well, moth wasn't near his phone) then moth walked in as i answered and i gave the phone to him, and i really spent this whole time thinking that moth (the same guy who lets people go through his gallery to look at pictures of his snakes and cycling) may have been upset with me for answering the phone (hismother called multiple times btw)
lo and behold, i was being dramatic, moth is talking to me like normal, and i need to stop internalising everything when it comes to him
scenic juniper
8:29am
good morning. teachers are on strike so ya boy is homme
scenic juniper
4:55 pm
reconsidering my attraction to guys cause all my romantic prospects do is disappoint me in the end. moth lock in omfg
same thing happened with narwhal. i need to stop raising my expectations too high
scenic juniper
7:59 pm
all my phys work is done
just the one bio lab and 3 chemistry labs to go
and also history
and english
and math
scenic juniper
4:05 am
still editing the video
i have to finish it before tomorrow ends
well today ig
and also fit in study time, and write the script for the skit
all tomorrow before 6:30
well actually earlier than that cause i have to practice the skit too
scenic juniper
7:22 am
i think it's over
scenic juniper
i need to go shower and sleep
scenic juniper
9:27 pm
i just spent this evening being like okay i know he doesn't fw me like that i need to get over moth after asking him if he planned on asking anyone to our grad dinner (after asking him how he thinks that guys would feel about being asked to dinner instead of the other way around (i'm afab and closeted)). then he asks what guy in particular i was talking about and i told him he'd have to figure it out himself>
now he's trying to figure out who the guy i wanted to ask out is. i told him he wouldn't figure it out because i do nott think he'd guess himself, but that just made him more determined
said he wasn't gonna tell me guesses until he was sure
but man
this is not helping me get over moth
scenic juniper
11:39 pm
ykw, this is probably just a 4 year proximity crush anyway, when we graduate in a couple months and he doesn't come back for optional years i'll be over it
so it doesn't matter if i'm not now
it's not like it'll last
probably
granite cape
gah damn
i was just hanging around and this made me realize i need to go study for my econ midterm 😭
i like physics too ‘cause it’s just math but on steroids
scenic juniper
i was just hanging around and this made me realize i need to go study for my eco...
good luck!!
scenic juniper
i like physics too ‘cause it’s just math but on steroids
literally!! chemistry needs to go die
2:41 pm
counting down the time to go home
scenic juniper
i did 5 so far
got 11 left
chemistry on tuesday
which i hate
um
my dad attacked my brother
and now its making me think about all the shit he's done
so maybe it was fair that they didn't want to tell me
but that probably wouldn't have changed the fact that im demotivated rn
i have so many exams left to do, and this year's papers have been unlike anything they've brought in literally all years prior
across all subjects
it feels like no matter what i study, i'll still fail, so what's the point lmao
im just so urked rn
i have the three heaviest exams this week and i havent picked up a book lol
11 left
then i can do whatever cause im a graduate
i dont wanna go back to any schooling after this
but i will
so
oh un
uh
5:39 pm
scenic juniper
dude fuck my dad, fuck this exam council, fuck this country, fuck racists, fuck my stepfather, fuck all of this bullshit
im so over it
scenic juniper
chemistry is in 6 and a half hours
not sleeping tonight
i cant even cover anything honestly
im just doing as much as i can
2:31 am
ugh
scenic juniper
im going to sleep
if a 4 stains my certificate because of this then so be it
this subject was a waste of 2 years anyway
doing this first
scenic juniper
i think i might actually throw physics
which sucks cause it was meant to be my best science
but idk enough bro
a 2 is looking likely
if i ace the p1
scenic juniper
i hate how long this takes
i wanted to watch a movie with my brother yesterday, but we had guests over so we couldnt
but i asked him again today and he's all like "you still have exams to do don't talk to me about movies"
shutthefuckuppp
i have english math and french
two of which i've already passed in january, and one that i can easily pass on my own
like genuinely fuck you for that
i wanted a weekend where i could enjoy shit that i havent been able to fully enjoy in a month
its been a fucking month of this
but i want to watch a 3 hour movie with you and it's an issue
just say you dont want to or some shit
dont piss me off with that exam bullshit
honestly fuck off
i got a one in english and a two in math, i did them in january so i wouldn't have to worry as much about them now
its not like i have fucking sciences or anything this week
im just so irritated
i want to be done with this
i still have three fucking weeks of this bullshit
4:19 pm
