#(17+) i am recovering from being groomed

1 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

nocturne jay
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title ^^
yeah i am screaming into the void
17+ responses please
i dont want a kid to listen to this stuff
comforting messages preferably

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my first experience was when i was 14 or 15 because i dont remember which

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it was which a 19 year old guy who got sexual with me and i was emotionally neglected so it felt euphoric for someone to finally "love" me

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yeah im a fucking idiot

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god

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im already tired typing this ill continue later

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my head hurts from thinking and crying over all this

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(17+) i was groomed into a pdf ring and it haunts me

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nvm I cant bring myself to shower right now

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wow I love it wheh I remember about the other victims I couldnt help!!! that i selfishly left!!!!! to save myself!!!!

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sometimes im just

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you know

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I wanna hurt myself when I remember this

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I feel disgusting

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my body feels disgusting

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id mutilate myself to make sure none of those men could remember what my body looks like if I could

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but thatd kill me

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oh noooooo

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I was gonna write yhis in a story format

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but I cant. Bother right now

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oh well

vivid tree
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Hey

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Do you want to talk to someone ?

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Im here if you need me

vivid tree
nocturne jay
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ive just been

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screaming into this void of a server and when I finally said I wanted to hurt myself did anyone reply to me

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funny ........

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doesn't mstter

vivid tree
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It matter

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Im sorry I didnt see this sooner

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You matter

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I care

nocturne jay
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youre fine chst

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its not even anyone's fault im just being cynicak

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who wants to actually TALK about this sort of stuff?????

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like no one

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ever

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only me

vivid tree
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I will

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Its not a fun topic

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But I prefer talking about it

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Than leaving you alone

nocturne jay
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thanks

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I think

vivid tree
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I mean it

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Youre worth something

nocturne jay
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I was crying an hour ago becausr my thoughts hurted my head so bad

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probably also these headphones ive been wearing for like hours

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I hate

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thinking alone when I feel this way

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I need noise

vivid tree
nocturne jay
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if I dont have noise im gonna remember everything its gonna happen again

vivid tree
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I cant stay stuck in my head

nocturne jay
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those men are gonna find me and hurt me

vivid tree
vivid tree
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Dont make yourself stress...

nocturne jay
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im already stressef

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I should cope

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im coping

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you know

vivid tree
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How

nocturne jay
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im in bed with a blanket with my weighted bunny plushie its very innocent

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I'm not innocent anymore

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they took that away from me now im used and disgustinh

vivid tree
vivid tree
nocturne jay
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I have

vivid tree
nocturne jay
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a video about depression playing its by this guy from harvard

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hes saying big words

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explaining the illness

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he seems logical

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im not veey logical when im like this

vivid tree
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Hey, emotions are normal

nocturne jay
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I want to hurt myself

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I havent hurt myself in a year

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yoy know

vivid tree
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A year

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Its big

nocturne jay
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yeag

vivid tree
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Youre great

nocturne jay
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I wanted to hurt my groomers for so long

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i wanted them dea d and I wanted it to hurt very badlt

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im not gonna get that

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ever

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their still out there

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iiitssss okksdguuioo

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what if I just

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idk

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im just gonna cry

vivid tree
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Hey...

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Do you want a hug ?

vivid tree
vivid tree
nocturne jay
vivid tree
nocturne jay
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wheh my mom

vivid tree
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Youre alright

nocturne jay
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when my mom found out I was with an older guy she called me a whore and I never told her anything ever agaij

vivid tree
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Im sorry

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You didnt deserve that

nocturne jay
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I never told ny mom or dad or sister

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I cant tell my friends

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I just wait until my therapy appointments and I cant even fully tell my therapist it hurts so bad

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everything hurtd

vivid tree
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You can tell me

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I will listen

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I wont judge you

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You did nothing wrong. Being manipulated isnt making a mistake

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You didnt deserve that

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You deserve the respect and care

nocturne jay
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I wanted a good fathr

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i was looking for someone to be my dad i feel stupud

vivid tree
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Mhm... I met someone like that

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She... was... kind of similar to you on that part

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Im taking care of her now. Making sure she grow up better

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She is a good kid. Im sure you are too

nocturne jay
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I just want a dad that cares about me

vivid tree
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I can understand that

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You deserve one

nocturne jay
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its never gonna happen

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im 17 no one cares about some 17 year old wanting a dad and getting groomed

vivid tree
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I do care about you

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Tell me

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Whats your dream job

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What would you want to do

nocturne jay
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I wanna make a game about my fictional world an

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and draw stuff and write books

vivid tree
vivid tree
nocturne jay
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the world os called

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Leria Verse

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ive written worldbuilding for it

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and drew some characters

vivid tree
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I wanna see !

nocturne jay
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really

vivid tree
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Yes

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Tell me about it

nocturne jay
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I can send you the document in dms

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i have it on Google docs

vivid tree
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Sure thing boss

nocturne jay
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okay ill have to frq you first because I turn them off so no weird people dm me when I vent

vivid tree
bitter marten
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phew, that's a lot @nocturne jay. has it started to become recent for you to now processing what you have gone through? is self-mutilation helping the way you feel inside as in making you happy, is it a gratifying experience? does it help the process of understanding what you have gone through?

i believe degrading yourself is not a recommended thing i'd tell you to follow through because in retrospect, that paedophile was betting on the fact that if you weren't degrading yourself then, you would eventually be degrading yourself now. and i believe that you'll do a way better job knowing that what that person did was vile, rather than believe you're a vile person for experiencing what you did and only knowing what you knew at that time which i'd suggest you not blame yourself for.

he did take advantage of you, and your body is not disgusting but i do understand how you feel. it feels like you want to wash yourself everyday because you feel dirty, it feels like no matter how much times you do wash yourself, the feeling of "dirtiness" will never come off which in result has made you develop sexual shame and sexual identification shame because of this guy taking advantage of you.
he has harmed you in such a way that you have now developed a sense of that harm into a coping mechanism because it is now a carried shame from what you are now deeming shameful and predatory (which is on his side, not on yours. what he did was straight up evil, predatory, and disgusting and those feelings were unfortunately transferred to you.)

in regards to your mother, she is also a vile human being for minimising your experience and calling you an out-right degrading slur. receiving therapy is the best viable option to understanding your emotional experience right now, and also having a professional listen and give advantageous advice in coping.

i'm so very grateful that you're actively looking and going to be receiving help for this, that's an incredibly strong feat to have overcome ❤️

nocturne jay
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I am not good with words right now but thank you

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I keep crying on and off

bitter marten
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yes, i was reading the chat throughout and saw that. it is great that you're crying, even if it is on and off @nocturne jay

nocturne jay
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also yes it is recent

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I repressed the memories for

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years

nocturne jay
bitter marten
# nocturne jay I repressed the memories for

whenever the memories come up, start to redirect blame onto him because well you don't need to be the bigger person and try to give an understanding to his actions and behaviour towards you, he's wrong, straight up so point the finger at him at all times

nocturne jay
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I wanted to be loved

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thats all

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idk

bitter marten
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There are a lot of variants to love. Is it sexual, sensual, affectionate, playful, romantic, platonic? Is it a mix of the two romantic and sexual? Or just platonic? Or is it the others that I've listed? What kind of love do you truly believe you would like? What do you think of (as it pertains to your happiness), as being a true love to you?

nocturne jay
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I dont think that theres one type of love only I just

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i never had a good fanily that would ask me "deep" things and care for how I felt I really wanted a family like in the movies

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becausethey seem so happy

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I thought if I could find a good father id be happier

bitter marten
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I see. That's very tough that you've been dealt with these cards. And I believe to some extent, yes, a good father does contribute to the overall quality of a childs life, but if you've been dealt with your kinds of cards, It's a gradual process, but you start to look at the qualities of older men who are ultimately guiders and not predators, to differentiate an older man who is wise, influential, and an overall great person, you have to attentively look for how he speaks about the women he has experienced in his life, and the women in his life now. If he speaks greatly of the women he has encountered, then he is a great man. You can truly differentiate a bad man from a good man because of their character, you will feel like a man is a creep if he is bad, and you will feel like you're around any other human being if he is good.

I didn't read too much in to detail, but is your father in any way of contact? Is he not a good father? If so, I'd also try to say that having a good father doesn't ultimately define who you would like to be when you grow up and what you can feel, maybe the situation here is the sense of belonging or companionship.

nocturne jay
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im not good at

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reading too well into this these days

nocturne jay
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I feel ok for now

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my head still hurts though im gonna go to sleep lster

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4 people listened to me

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im really happy

twilit copper
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What is PDF ring.
Some kind of document thing?

nocturne jay
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pedophile ring, I shortened it

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sometimes in slang people use "pdf" instead of pedphile

nocturne jay
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and then after my first experience

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I dont know what happenrd

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it was like I missed him so bad

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it physically hurt that he was gone I kept crying for hours on end

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and I was being stupid and

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i looked for other men to talk to because I missed the feeling of being cared for by someone

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then I met another 19yo man

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he'd keep saying sexual things to me and I felt really disgusting everytime but i wanted him to stay around i was scared of losing someonr

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im tired today

twilit copper
# bitter marten phew, that's a lot <@1430339420996763675>. has it started to become recent for y...

I agree everything you said except

'"in regards to your mother, she is also a vile human being for minimising your experience and calling you an out-right degrading slur."'

She is not vile. But I guess you (the adult giving brilliant advices with minor mistakes) wouldn't understand why. So I won't explain.

*But kid your mother is not a vile person. Sometimes good people do bad things , its doesn't make them bad. Yes, she should've never used that word for her own child . But sometimes mistakes happen.

Try to have an honest conversation with her and tell her how her words made you feel.

And don't just try once or twice. Sometimes people are in a bad mood so they might not respond appropriately. Try to give her a few chances.

But yes if she still just keeps calling you that for refuses to even listen. Still not a vile person.
But you should try to maintain a little distance with her.*

**Now what God said (leave this part if you don't believe)
I let God speak to you Himself.

Exodus 20:12
Malachi 1:6
Matthew 15:1–9
Ephesians 6:1–2
Romans 1:29–31
1 Timothy 5:4**

  1. "'you have to attentively look for how he speaks about the women he has experienced in his life, and the women in his life now. If he speaks greatly of the women he has encountered, then he is a great man. You can truly differentiate a bad man from a good man because of their character, you will feel like a man is a creep if he is bad, and you will feel like you're around any other human being if he is good."'

*Yes that maybe true but not in all cases.
If a man is saying bad about the women in his life then

  • either they are really bad
  • or he is bad and they all are fine.

And same , you cant tell a woman is great by just seeing how she talks about the men in their lives. Same reasons.

What you can do , is see the level of depravity in both men's and women's words. A good man and woman , will not just downright stupe to vulgarity and vile things each and every time they talk.*

"'Is he not a good father? If so, I'd also try to say that having a good father doesn't ultimately define who you would like to be when you grow up and what you can feel, maybe the situation here is the sense of belonging or companionship."'

*Father is the 1st man in the life of a child (both girls and boys) , so a good father absolutely means a lot and does define a child a lot even in ways they may not recognise themselves.

If your father is still around and a good person , you can try reaching him out.

But yeah , if that's not the case . Then work hard to be a great person. Cuz its not impossible but its also not that easy without a good father.*

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Apart from this , everything sister said I agree and there's not any advice left to give. So I will not say any personal advice of my own regarding how you deal with that.

nocturne jay
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my head really hurts right now so its hard to think of much but I appreciate it

twilit copper
nocturne jay
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I forgot to shower and eat last night because i was crying too much and it tired me out

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this morning I woke up and couldnt find my phone and almost had anxiety again because I try to listen to music and take care of myself in the morning

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I have school today still and need to turn in my remote learning papers

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tomorrow is my in person therapy appointment i hope I feel better

bitter marten
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@twilit copper Greatly appreciated your input. Provided a lot more clarity than I can give in terms of literacy, I’d prefer you not to call me sister as that does make me uncomfortable. I never called OP my brother or sister, as I do not know them and I will never call somebody my sister or brother less they’re routinely in my life.
I can only relay my sympathies rather than correlate my feelings to what they’re experiencing. I believe that if a parent is saying something before thinking, they’re vile by using authority to degrade their children. OP’s mother is vile in context to responding to OP’s vulnerability and willingness to share, and yet was ultimately shamed by her own mother for doing so.

That is the only reason why I believe OP’s mother is vile. OP is still a (clear young person), and doesn’t need to feel like she has to understand or communicate to her mother for the sake of being comprehended her feelings, It is clear just by the degradation of her first vulnerable telling of her experience that her mother will not understand how she feels even if it is communicated. One thing a great individual woman and man can do regardless of who they stand as a person, is validate, comfort, and respect the experience and feelings of someone who is expressing themselves from a traumatic experience. A word that devalues a person in response to what they have experienced, is when I call vile.

I see you have regurgitated my information and made it look a little formal, I did not particularly state that women are not at a fallible mark. And from what I’ve experienced, you absolutely can tell by how a woman’s ethics is by how she speaks about the men in her life, it is the same all around because it deals with the one issue, a lived experience that was not deconstructed and repressed, in result translating into other ways.
Or in consensus, ignorance and apathy.

This is very situation dependant, I try to format my writing to where I can understand it enough to value it in assurance that someone will understand it as well. Even if it comes off as unpolished.

Much love to you and OP.

twilit copper
nocturne jay
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I tried to sleep

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I had a nightmare where I started doing really gross things like those men and everyone hated me

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its not real

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I don't know why I dreamt that

nocturne jay
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im very lethargic today

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all ive done is wake up in intervals and vent and then get so tired from my thoughts i go back to sleep

twilit copper
nocturne jay
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its ok im just venting

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eventually ill regain strength somehow

nocturne jay
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I have gotten out of bed

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I am eating breakfast

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my head doesnt hurt that much anymore

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after tea I will shower and then breathe in some fresh air from the backyard

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my room is too stuffy

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thank you everyone that listened to me and said nice things

serene atlas
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I hope you find strength to fight your demons. 🫂

nocturne jay
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I feel hopeful again, i realized I hadn't taken my meds in a couple days and took them with water. I am gonna reach out to one of my school mentors to check in on me

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and ill try to go to school tomorrow because I have people waiting for me there

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i will try

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it doesnt have to end like this right now

nocturne jay
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one of my friends is contemplating suicide

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I have promised her I will visit her on Sunday so she lives this week

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I will visit her every week so she doesnt kill herself

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my sister is in an abusive relationship and ive been texting her "how are you" texts everyday

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this one adult i know online is stuck with a mentally abusive girlfriend and I try to check in on him when I can despite our 11 hour time difference

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I wish no one suffered

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no one i love will hurt themselves as long as I am here

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people need me

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I cannot give up

quiet glacier
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@nocturne jay Yo sis/bro

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Are you okay?

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I am so sorry for what you faced man and such things just ruin the person's ability to know what a healthy relationship looks like

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🙏 please be strong and I am glad you are helping others

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If any help is needed in helping someone do let me know

nocturne jay
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I alerted the suicidal friends friend group and called 911 so thats solved

low lark
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You are veryy strong person!!
How kind you are!
VryNoice

You are kind soul do not think you are bad because you are not.
If one person is thinking of others well.
They can never be bad.
It was the situation like that you were younger unaware of things.
Was just looking for love pure affection.

It wasn't your fault at alll!
Don't burden your heart!

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And take meds on time. Whenever you remember.

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Try to talk with your therapist. You don't have to speak everything at once try it slowly. But give them hit.
They are here to help you as well right!?

nocturne jay
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ive been going in and out of crisis mode for a few days, i think everything's that has piled up this year is taking a toll

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its okay though

past sentinel
nocturne jay
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ill try to keep it up

nocturne jay
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im scared to go to school

nocturne jay
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well back to feeling bad

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hopefully my therapist appointment helps

past sentinel
quiet glacier
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please please be strong bro

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@nocturne jay please dont lose hope

past sentinel
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I believe in her ngl

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she got this

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she will pull through with hope fr, I can just tell tbh ngl

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best of luck anon

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you got this

nocturne jay
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thanks i appreciate it

nocturne jay
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I remember

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I made a mind map a long time ago about what it felt like during being groomed into those pedo rings

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if i can find it

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im not gonna show it but I found it

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the core starting point from what I believe my grooming branched out from was my home life neglect and isolation from the outside world at developing ages

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this led to a lot of internet addiction/dependency especially social media

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and stuff like that

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ill end the third memory there

nocturne jay
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my ears are starting to hurt for wearing these headphones for so long

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ill sleep soon

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i feel alright

nocturne jay
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i showered

sand swan
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Good job man

nocturne jay
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guys ive done 5 goals today since waking up this morning

  • morning routine hygiene
  • make bed
  • clean room
  • tidy up workspace
  • eat breakfast (usually i only eat lunch/dinner)
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is this peak routine management.....

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whats left:
laundry
pharmacy
doing college applications
self soothing (coping mechanisms to destress)
and then night routine at the end of my day

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5 more hamster

sand swan
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Nice

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How are you feeling

nocturne jay
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im alright, thanks for asking

nocturne jay
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im dreading folding laundry later also my anxiety is acting up becayse im scared of "failing" my day

sand swan
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It’s ok to fail

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Everyone does it

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A wise man once said

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A person who never failed has never tried anything

nocturne jay
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thanks

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i cant sleep tonight

sand swan
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It happens to me too

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Have you tried like drinking like some warm link or cacao

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Not coffee

normal bay
nocturne jay
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well actually she found out

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i was with an older guy and called me a whore
so ever since ive hid it

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i just tell my therapist and counselors

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i didnt do laundry yesterday but i started it today

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i should go to the pharmacy to order my facewash

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i should likely distract myself better

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i want to do more instead of wait for someone to interact with me so i think ill figure out what to do

sand swan
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That good

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If you want something to distract you I can help with that

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You could play a game

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Or watch a movie

nocturne jay
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yeah ill look into some games/movies to watch/play

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i want my hobbies back

sand swan
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Nice

sand swan
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Try them out

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What are your hobbies

nocturne jay
sand swan
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Nice

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What do you draw and write

nocturne jay
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characters and worlds and i practice occasionally

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but i havent done that in a bit

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its scary

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i get anxiety

sand swan
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Ok what about some peaceful drawings

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Like a flower field or a movie character

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Who is not scary to draw

nocturne jay
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i wanna draw more flowers

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ill do that

sand swan
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That’s good

nocturne jay
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i drew today and yesterday

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i went to school on time and im attending all my classes but im having a sudden surge of anxiety so I'm in the school bathroom

sand swan
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Oh dear

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Is there a school nurse

sand swan
nocturne jay
nocturne jay
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ill just frq you

sand swan
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Sure you can dm me

nocturne jay
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my father consistently makes violent threats on a semi daily basis

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he barely goes through with them but its still annoying

sand swan
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Does make the threats to you

nocturne jay
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im a stupid child

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such a fucking stupid child

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so stupid

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17 and 26

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wow

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dumbass

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absolute dumbass

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why

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why

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why

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why did i do this to myself

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i should cut myself for this

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i should die

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i feel numb and empty

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there is nothing

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i want to sleep and forget everything in the morning

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im gonna sleep

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and in the morning i will forget everythig

steep sphinx
sand swan
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It’s not that someone would think would happen

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I am here if you need me

nocturne jay
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i feel

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sick

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im shaking i wanna go back to sleep

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i miss him

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idk why i do

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i feel gross at myself

nocturne jay
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im so sad and feel sick and cold

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im scared i feel so scared

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i want to forget everything and sleep but i keep replaying it in my head

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please

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please stop

sullen osprey
# nocturne jay im scared i feel so scared

Hey, you'll be okay
I don't know if you're awake, but people are always here to talk
It might not completely get rid of all the pain, but I feel talking to people about the topic releases some of the stress, no?

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Nobody will be able to exactly understand how you feel, but we can always try to help remove some of the weight off your shoulders

nocturne jay
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hi

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i thought i fell in love with a 26 year old i feel bad

sullen osprey
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Why do you feel bad?
If you don't mind me asking

nocturne jay
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because he was nice to me and he was my friend

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and I really miss him but I feel deeply

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ashamef

sullen osprey
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I can relate to some degree of how you're feeling, love isn't easy

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Is there anything you do to drown out the noise in your head?

nocturne jay
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music maybe

sullen osprey
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do you have a favorite song?

nocturne jay
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Sheena ringo songs or calm lofi/ambience

sullen osprey
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Also, im sorry if im not helping 🙃
I just don't like seeing people upset

nocturne jay
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youre oki

sullen osprey
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You were talking about sleep before, it's perfectly normal to sleep with calming music playing

nocturne jay
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okay I can fo that wait

sullen osprey
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hm?
I'm sorry i'm a little stupid sometimes and don't understand what people are saying-

nocturne jay
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do*

sullen osprey
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ah okii

nocturne jay
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my music is on

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someone told me to excercise and write/draw today to feel better but I dont know if i havr energy

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ill try

sullen osprey
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you dont have to if you dont feel up to it
All we can do is give suggestions on how to feel better

nocturne jay
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i just

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don't know

sullen osprey
nocturne jay
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yea

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I have my weighted bunny plushie wity me

sullen osprey
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luckyyy

nocturne jay
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do you think my life will be bad because I get groomed a lot

sullen osprey
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no, i dont think it will be

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People will always have ups and downs, and that's okay
its normal

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It's up to you how your life turns out, its nobodys choice what happens except you

nocturne jay
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oka y

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thanks i

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can try when i feel better

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I just

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feel numb

sullen osprey
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yeah, that feeling is never a pleasant one-

nocturne jay
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maybe i won't turn out a failure if I work on myself ot something

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I dont know exactly

sullen osprey
nocturne jay
#

im tryinh

#

I dont see an out to my feelings right now except therapy on Wednesday

#

i dont know

sullen osprey
#

Sometimes i'm busy, otherwise I'm nearly on discord 24/7
If you ever need a place to rant you can always dm me, or talk to anyone else on this server

nocturne jay
#

okay thanks

sullen osprey
#

np

nocturne jay
#

i want him back i feel really alone

sand swan
#

Who do you want back

sullen osprey
#

I promise

#

I don't know how time zones work- 😕
So if i do not respond for the rest of what is your night, i hope you get some good rest
You deserve some peace after everything you've gone through

past sentinel
past sentinel
nocturne jay
#

numb

#

i feel numb again

nocturne jay
#

i brushed my teeth

#

and washed my face and combed my hair

sand swan
#

Good job

#

How are you feeling today

nocturne jay
#

bad

#

really bad

#

my heart and throat hurts

nocturne jay
#

i want this pain to end

sand swan
#

Have you seen a doctor

nocturne jay
#

I have my therapy appointment tomorrow

#

it just hurts

sand swan
#

Oh ok

sand swan
nocturne jay
#

i ha d

#

a flashback

#

not a drean not a memory

#

some weird flashback

#

now im anxious again

#

i need my meds

nocturne jay
#

i took my meds

nocturne jay
#

someone bought me slime rancher on steam

#

thank you person who did that

#

im gonna try to brush my teeth and shower before bed

nocturne jay
#

i did my night routine

nocturne jay
#

I'm in bed

#

I feel ok for now

#

i wish he'd come back sometimes

#

i miss him

#

I think maybe today

#

ill have good dreams

#

and Everything will be safe and cozy

#

nothing will harm me

#

And eventually ill

#

heal

#

goodnight

lone seal
#

I know how you feel literally I've been in that situation too and it hunts me too

nocturne jay
nocturne jay
#

took a brisk walk around my house a couple of times to lower anxiety

#

i feel better tonight

#

id say i was contemplating a lot and thinking on the situation but it might turn out alright

sand swan
nocturne jay
#

thanks

#

i still feel bad sometimes but i dont think its gonna be debilitating

nocturne jay
#

la da di la da de la da do

#

should i draw something or let this anxiety take over again ermmmm

#

ill draw something

#

i meant to draw my fairy oc actually

#

didnt yet

nocturne jay
#

drew him!

#

it was a quick doodle

#

im happy i drew something today

#

maybe i should make more gacha ocs to pass the time

#

actually i havent played slime rancher yet despite having it bought for me

#

meant to

#

i really need to make that hobbies list

#

if i regain my interests ill probably be happier, right?

sand swan
#

Nice

sand swan
sullen osprey
nocturne jay
#

I feel fine rn

#

ill get ready for school in a bit

nocturne jay
#

im tired what if I wanna stay home HamsterStare

#

ughhhghhh

past sentinel
#

Um your wish, I am saying that you should sleep for some time if you are tired

#

Forget 1 day girl, life >> 1 day but I am not saying that you should skip school but that maybe mental health can be better ig if you are being tired etc. I am not sure i guess

sand swan
quiet glacier
#

Be strong sis!

sand swan
#

Ok

nocturne jay
#

i think im starting to emotionally detach from the last adult who took advantage of me

#

im starting to remember him with less and less sadness

sand swan
#

That’s good

#

Meaning that you mind is trying to get rid of the bad memory

nocturne jay
#

perhaps in a way

sand swan
#

I do phycology at school

nocturne jay
#

do you like it?

sand swan
#

Yes it’s like we learn about the mind and how it works

#

And the memory will like remove some terrible memories like if you are in a car crash you will know that you were in a crash but not be able to remember the crash

#

But not always

#

How are you today btw

nocturne jay
#

just took my medication, feeling alright

sand swan
#

Nice

nocturne jay
#

hoping i can get through with today

sand swan
#

I am sure that today it will be better

nocturne jay
#

thanks ^^

sand swan
#

Your welcome

nocturne jay
#

hope ur day will be good too

sand swan
#

Yeah for me it’s evening right now

nocturne jay
#

fair

nocturne jay
#

feels bad again

sand swan
#

Go to the nurse

#

And call your parents

nocturne jay
#

its ok it'll pass im stronger than trauma

#

just a mild uncomfortable feeling

sand swan
#

Ah ok

nocturne jay
#

I have therapy today

sand swan
#

Stay strong

sand swan
#

I am sure after some therapy lessons you will feel better

nocturne jay
#

yea probably

still gate
#

You got it girl!

nocturne jay
#

thanks im trying

sand swan
#

That’s the spirit

nocturne jay
#

i just dont really like my current capacities

#

I take lots of rest because most things tire me

#

feels like my maximum is someones minimums

sand swan
nocturne jay
#

yeah

sand swan
#

Good

nocturne jay
#

my parents stress about my academics while im more focused on mental health

#

its a weird combo

sand swan
#

Yeah

nocturne jay
#

I think i should just apply to community colleges

#

I have the most chance there

sand swan
#

What subjects did you choose

nocturne jay
#

psychology/statistics is my main idea

sand swan
#

Nice i also do psychology

#

Is statistics hard

nocturne jay
#

not really

#

its an interesting math

sand swan
#

Ok

#

I am not good in math

nocturne jay
#

its alright, we all have our strengths

sand swan
sand swan
nocturne jay
nocturne jay
sand swan
sand swan
nocturne jay
#

I should play a game to distract myself

nocturne jay
#

ah wtf i forgot to brush my teeth today

#

ill just do it at night

nocturne jay
#

I took a midnight walk

#

I have a pumpkin spice hot latte with me cause I went to my favorite cafe

fading cairn
# nocturne jay my body feels disgusting

I know im a bit young for this thread but I'm going to say this anyway, i understand what your going, my big sister did this too me, i became sexual addict before i was 7 no one ever knew about what happened every night I didn't know it was wrong we stopped when she went to the hospital, i thought she was pretending it never happened, but it turns out in the coma she lost alot of memories and doesn't remember what happened. If you need anyone to talk to I'm here for you, please don't delete my message or dismiss me for being to young to be in this conversation.

nocturne jay
fading cairn
#

Random question, are you also a coffee addict?

nocturne jay
#

i love tea actually but a good coffee doesnt hurt

nocturne jay
#

its valid

fading cairn
#

Im banned from drinking tea because one i do i start being like- uncle iroh tryna act all wise'n stuff

nocturne jay
#

i drink tea since it gets me less anxious than coffee but still keeps me awake

#

occasionally when im triggered ill have bad flashbacks

#

like reliving everything

fading cairn
#

I'm always over caffeinated. I do drink alot of coffee and anything caffeine because it makes me happy ironically

nocturne jay
#

i get you on that part but my addiction is honestly social media

#

i hate being alone with my thoughts

fading cairn
#

Same

#

Honestly i used to have this mind telling myself im disgusting n stuff and now i just go "IM DISGUSTING AND SCREW ANYONE WHO CARES"

#

Ive learned to take most of it out on an ai bot though 😂

nocturne jay
#

im trying to break out of the mindset or at least distract myself from it tbh

#

i understand the self loathing so much though

#

it truly sucks

#

so draining

fading cairn
#

Honestly, yeah it is draining but if your fantasing about anime guys 24/7 your mind doesn't have the opacity to loath

nocturne jay
#

LOL i cope so hard using fanfiction sometimes

#

thats real

fading cairn
#

Fr

#

I need to meet more people like us istg

nocturne jay
#

we can be friends if ya want

fading cairn
#

FV<K YEAH

nocturne jay
#

hell yeah

nocturne jay
#

you know what i told my therapist today

#

i told her

#

im happy i stopped letting my harmful thoughts control me in situations where i feel powerless to do anything about my feelings

#

i will not harm myself because of a grooming situation and i will not have suicidal ideation control my lifestyle

still gate
#

That's badass!

nocturne jay
#

yay

still gate
#

Remember, you are too precious to hurt yourself because of some asshole

nocturne jay
#

i know hamster

#

i feel hopeful today

still gate
#

That's awesomee

#

Just don't fall for it again..if you know what I mean

nocturne jay
#

i wont chat

#

trust

still gate
#

Good

#

and you can hmu if you need to

nocturne jay
#

hopes and dreams type shi

still gate
#

fr lol

nocturne jay
#

(17+) i am recovering from being groomed

still gate
#

Let's gooooo!!!!

nocturne jay
#

yippeer

still gate
#

party, when?

nocturne jay
#

party right now

#

i even have music on

still gate
#

lmao YAYYYYY!!

#

🕺 🕺 🕺 🕺 🕺

nocturne jay
#

yippeeeeeeeeee

nocturne jay
#

making food for myself

#

i drank lots of water today despite not having an appetite

nocturne jay
#

sometimes i miss him but i gotta move on

#

im cooling off my food near the fan

sand swan
#

Nice

quiet glacier
#

Do remember : It's common for people who got abused to miss their abuser as it was the only (unhealthy) form of love they saw. It wasn't your fault btw sis 🙏 be strong please

nocturne jay
#

I am trying

nocturne jay
#

its odd

#

how emotions change so easily

sullen osprey
#

in a good way?

nocturne jay
#

good way, neutral way, bad way

#

i can feel on top of the world at one point and then feel just alright after

#

very odd

#

perhaps i should sleep, its 5 am and i only slept through 9 to 1

#

5 hours

#

had flashbacks so i woke up

#

will it be easier when i grow up

#

i dont know exactly

#

will it all be alright in the end or is it just life

sullen osprey
#

i can tell you're strong

nocturne jay
#

i look strong

#

to lots of people

#

im often told that i am

#

but i just feel like myself

#

maybe living doesn't need anything at all, it just happened

sullen osprey
nocturne jay
#

likely

#

and all this talking to myself

#

texting people

#

playing games, drawing, writing, waking up in the morning, showering, living

#

i just kind of do it

#

you know

#

there is a sort of comfort

#

someone once told me

#

someone had once told me that the only point in life, truly, was to be happy
because its the closest thing to heaven in this realm
not that im particularly religious

#

it stuck

#

i didnt understand then

polar violet
nocturne jay
#

yes

polar violet
#

Me too

nocturne jay
#

its very therapeutic

#

im doing it right now technically

#

these arent directed at anyone

polar violet
#

I do it everytime I wanna go to bed

sullen osprey
nocturne jay
#

maybe before i sleep too

nocturne jay
#

ive met lots of people online, you know

#

like everyone has

#

but

#

i got the internet at 4 years old

#

which sounds sad

#

but im not that jolted by it

#

i dont think im tortured

#

or im made to be

#

not anymore

#

existing is not a shameful thing

polar violet
#

We addicted to phones now

nocturne jay
#

just live

polar violet
#

Well it's not bad

nocturne jay
#

caring too much about how to live life 'right' will often lead to the opposite place unless you can genuinely find it in yourself to follow it and believe in what you follow

#

but humans do not often work that way

#

we have doubts, anxieties, fears, worries

#

we have other people and relations and complicated thoughts

#

and through it maybe there is very little to actually find, or maybe there is an abundance

#

actually this line of thought has little point other than i wish to say something

#

i just want to be heard sometimes

#

is the universe a kind person

#

what an odd matter

#

you know what i heard once

#

our biology makes it so what we feel as good will our brains view it as 'great for our survival'

#

i think this makes sense sometimes

#

why people get so self destructive

#

why i was so self destructive, or am

#

it is 5 am

#

i have school in 2 hours. i am unsure if i will go, i know it will make me feel bad

#

i think tonight will be peaceful

#

and everything will be alright, eventually

#

i almost drank spoiled milk on accident

#

yuck

#

there's something true a friend of mine told me after the first or second time i was groomed

sand swan
#

What was it

sand swan
nocturne jay
nocturne jay
sand swan
#

Good

nocturne jay
#

they were right

#

im gonna meet lots of people

sand swan
#

Yeah you will

#

Like here you meet me and some other people

nocturne jay
#

yeah

#

i guess the entire point of all these rambles is reminding myself it'll all be okay

sand swan
#

And it will be ok

nocturne jay
#

it most likely will

#

just occasionally

#

my feelings on the matter are skewed

#

i do not believe that life and logic usually correlate

#

but

#

feelings can be distinguished and know that they do not have to happen

#

just because you feel it

sand swan
#

True

nocturne jay
#

there are people out there who care about me

#

my family, my irl/online friends, my teachers, my counselors/mentors, my therapist/psychologist

#

i could not just give up so easily now

#

knowing these things

nocturne jay
#

i took my meds after waking up shaking today

sand swan
#

Good

#

How are you today cottontail

nocturne jay
sand swan
#

Good

sand swan
#

Never give up

nocturne jay
#

i think

#

i should start excercising again today

sand swan
#

If you want you can exercise

#

I think it will be good

nocturne jay
#

maybe it'd help with my feelings if i finally started something again besides low effort stuff

#

im gonna look at my old excercise plan i used to do

sand swan
#

That’s really good

#

And maybe also rewatch a tv show to get some negative stuff out of your head

nocturne jay
#

fair

#

okay

#

ill get off social media and try right now

sand swan
#

Nice

#

Enjoy

nocturne jay
#

fuck depression so hard

#

i hope if depression was a person it gets mauled

nocturne jay
#

I think tomorrow is the day

nocturne jay
#

aaaaajsjdfjdsfhsjf

nocturne jay
#

its 10 pm

#

I miss him

#

:/

#

oh well. im gonna sleep

nocturne jay
#

holy shit

#

😭 😭 😭

#

okay its happening!!! TodaY is happening!!!!

sand swan
#

What is happening today

nocturne jay
#

im fully facing my fears regarding school

#

im gonna return to all my classes and do all my classwork/homework and do my college applications without slacking

sand swan
#

Nice

#

Good luck

#

Don’t stress yourself to much

nocturne jay
#

chat am i cooked

#

my mother has annoyed me first thing in the morning

#

calm down mars this isnt the end of the world 💔 💔 💔 just an annoyingly overconcerned mom

sand swan
#

What happened

sand swan
#

How are you today

nocturne jay
#

im better

#

i figured stuff out

sand swan
#

Good for you 🤩

nocturne jay
#

thankd

#

i am gonna apply to a bunch of community colleges and look into a few trades

sand swan
#

Nice which ones do you think you are going to apply will accept

#

Like which ones do you want to go to

#

Like in England Germany e.t.c

nocturne jay
#

ones in my city

sand swan
#

Ok nice

nocturne jay
#

about 6 ill apply too since im allowed 6 free applications

#

trade wise im thinking mechanic, cook, gunsmith, or something in clothes/design

sand swan
#

Which one is the best for you in your opinion

nocturne jay
#

cooking honestly, i would really enjoy being a good cook

sand swan
#

Nice

#

Do you try to cook before

nocturne jay
#

a couple times, yes

sand swan
#

Nice what did you cook before

nocturne jay
fading cairn
#

Glad to see ur doing well

nocturne jay
#

thanks, sorry for not replying to dms ^^

#

i kinda got caught up in my bullshit again

fading cairn
#

Yeah fair enough i do too

nocturne jay
#

how are you doing?

fading cairn
#

Im doing well, you?

nocturne jay
#

pretty alright for now. still need to focus on school mainly, about to start a virtual class since i got home

#

my teachers said they'll help me get back on track

#

plus i need to use my coping mechanisms more productively 😭

fading cairn
#

Fair enough

#

I'm tryna break through a wall, myself

#

Self care n all

#

Just one step at a time ya know?

nocturne jay
#

yep ^^ what are you trying?

fading cairn
#

Brushing me teeth and cleaning my room

nocturne jay
#

eyy. awesome progress

#

i had to focus on that a while back too

#

you'll get there

fading cairn
#

I know the dentists will be getting paid hefty when i come in omg

#

But no teeth pain so thats a good sign.

nocturne jay
#

yeah the shame is there but just know physical self neglect is easily fixable. even though getting it down consistently is the hard part

#

for me i knew it all, it was just turning it into a habit that was hard

fading cairn
#

Its mostly, because im an overthinker because im like "what if i want a snack" "what if i wake up dad?" Type shi

nocturne jay
#

if it helps, id recommend a small routine with set times

#

doesn't have to be crazy

#

i got one i used to do

#

7:00 am, get out of bed.
Make bed
Brush teeth
Wash face
Comb hair
Eat something

3:00 pm, after school/club/work.
Wash face
Comb hair
Gym routine
Eat something

9:00 pm, get in bed.
Brush teeth
Shower

10:00-11:00 pm, sleep.

fading cairn
#

Ill just brush my teeth once im done with my chores ✨

nocturne jay
#

this one

fading cairn
#

Even if i only brush my teeth once a day, its a step.

nocturne jay
#

you are right on that

fading cairn
#

Ive been neglecting myself for years.

#

And im low-key feeling it but i promised myself 2026 will be different.

#

Ill fix most of myself up

#

And then i can start up on my toxic traits.

nocturne jay
#

honestly, if it helps, i think that humans are more "navigable" than "fixable"
by that i mean there's a bunch of shit we know we do wrong but its not that we are broken or anything, we just need to overcome hurdles regarding these things and keep at it. sometimes we fall, though. thats normal

nocturne jay
#

keep at it ^^

fading cairn
#

We should make a thread for us it'll be like a day counting of taking care of ourselves

#

You know like

#

Tryna make a streak

nocturne jay
#

if you want, we can make a collabrative thread in #1338240260987027568 . i wouldnt be against that

fading cairn
#

Sute

#

Sure*

nocturne jay
#

sure, ill make it then ping ya in it

fading cairn
#

Sweet

nocturne jay
#

do you want to make it so others are allowed to chat in it or no?

fading cairn
#

Sure

#

I think it'll be good start for us and maybe some other people.

#

Maybe get a little pep talk too

nocturne jay
#

todays actually a pretty positive day. all i have to vent about is how well i feel i be doing right now

#

still need to write...

nocturne jay
#

did someone text here?

#

i feel like i saw a notification and then it was gone

#

might be hallucinating or something

still gate
#

It was meee lmao

nocturne jay
#

g'day

sand swan
#

Good morning

nocturne jay
sand swan
#

Well for me it’s morning

nocturne jay
#

its 12 am over here

sand swan
nocturne jay
#

thanks!

sand swan
#

Shouldn’t you be asleep or you cant sleep

nocturne jay
#

just woke up to rave a little in my threads, i have thoughts

#

how are u?

sand swan
#

Good

#

I had some good sleep

#

And I have a busy day today

#

But most of it is just on the bus

nocturne jay
#

fair. i hope your day goes well

sand swan
#

Thanks

#

I hope yours as well

nocturne jay
#

yeah in 7 hours when i wake up again probably

#

loool

sand swan
#

Yeah

#

So that will be 2 pm for me when it’s 7 am for you

#

I am free at that time I think

nocturne jay
#

i see i see

#

do you do anything in ur freetime?

sand swan
#

I mostly play video games and Lego

#

Or watch Netflix

nocturne jay
#

awesome tbh. i wanna get back into legoes maybe but its a buncha stuff im trying to get into again

sand swan
#

Yeah

#

Like what

#

So ik that you like cooking watching tv and now Lego’s

nocturne jay
#

probably the building part. id have to get some Lego kits though

#

im just getting back into stuff :p

sand swan
#

There is a Lego sever on discord

nocturne jay
#

hmmm

#

ill look into it eventually

sand swan
#

Nice

nocturne jay
#

gotta go bail now, sleep awaits

#

good talk

sand swan
#

Yep good night

still gate
#

Goodnight

nocturne jay
#

well i cant sleep

sand swan
#

What time is it for you

nocturne jay
#

4 am, i did sleep for a little but woke up again

sand swan
#

Are you feeling alright

nocturne jay
#

im okay i think its just a new issue

#

i used to sleep with little problem

sand swan
#

Happened to me as well

nocturne jay
#

yea idk if its insomnia or what

sand swan
#

Could be

#

If you want you can stay awake or go back to sleep

#

Today is Saturday so no school

#

Unless you are busy today

nocturne jay
#

ill be doing stuff (more goals) so ill try to sleep

#

just uh

#

cant rn

sand swan
#

Ah i see

#

I think it’s best that you go to sleep since you need rest

nocturne jay
#

ill try soon

#

thank you

sand swan
#

Your welcome

nocturne jay
#

had another nightmare

#

sigh

past sentinel
sand swan
nocturne jay
#

well

#

not too bad, i think im getting used to the nightmares

#

they just keep waking me up

sand swan
#

What are they about

nocturne jay
#

various anxieties, fears, doubts, worries, trauma, events in my life

sand swan
#

If you are ok to talk about

nocturne jay
#

things like that

sand swan
#

Ah

nocturne jay
#

i should probably sleep soon

nocturne jay
#

can't really

sand swan
#

What time is it for you

nocturne jay
#

4 am, i just woke up again

sand swan
#

Do you have any goals today

nocturne jay
#

ill make some in the morning, at 4 am there's not much to do

sand swan
#

Any homework

nocturne jay
#

partially. virtual class

sand swan
#

Is it hard

nocturne jay
#

not really

sand swan
#

Good

nocturne jay
#

i could probably do it a little

sand swan
#

Yeah if you want

#

Or like relax a bit

nocturne jay
#

sure

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thanks

sand swan
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Your welcome

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I am here if you need me

queen flower
nocturne jay
#

yeah i talk a lot dont i

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this thread almost has 1k+ messages now

queen flower
#

Naa I js read your post

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Idk maybe

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So what’s up

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Btw I’m 17 dw

nocturne jay
#

eh, same old same old
you've probably read the post anyway to a degree, id assume

#

got groomed again a while back. so epic
now im trying to recover

queen flower
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Idk I saw some about physical stuff with a guy

nocturne jay
#

yeah sexual abuse

queen flower
#

Idk what u meant by it if it is what I’m thinking it is

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Oh

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Mb

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So yea

nocturne jay
#

youre good

queen flower
#

Your 17 and

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It’s happened 5 years ago why r u worrying now

#

What’s the situation

nocturne jay
#

do you know how trauma works 😭

queen flower
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I know

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There are triggering factors for trauma

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Am I right

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?

nocturne jay
#

yea thats part of it

queen flower
#

Yea

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So u would like to talk about it?

nocturne jay
#

i mean im trying to recover now honestly. most i have to vent about is how stupid i feel due to the recent grooming incident

#

oh well

queen flower
#

Wdym

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U gettin married?

nocturne jay
#

i got groomed again

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no

queen flower
#

Wdym groomed

nocturne jay
#

thats not marriage

queen flower
#

Oh

nocturne jay
#

grooming is a form of emotional manipulation where an adult creates a bond with a minor for sexual acts

queen flower
#

That happened again?

nocturne jay
#

yes

queen flower
#

Shit

nocturne jay
#

you have the spirit lol

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dont worry

queen flower
#

So

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Union now?

nocturne jay
#

i understand this is a complicated topic

queen flower
#

U ok now*

#

?

queen flower
#

Bro

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This is serous court stuff

#

U live ina hood or smthng

nocturne jay
#

im safe now, yeah, im just dealing with the aftermath

#

keep getting nightmare/flashbacks

queen flower
#

So what’s up

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What’s bothering you

#

Why don’t you avoid guys to be honest I know a friend that happened to her but she escaped thanks to god that day
Now she hates men

nocturne jay
#

i mean, honestly i am okay for now. you just happened to enter the thread and it'd be rude to not reply. its 7 am for me, i cant really sleep recently but ... you know, im recovering and all

queen flower
#

Ah na it’s fine

nocturne jay
#

i know people suck sometimes

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that not everyone though

queen flower
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Well she does

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That’s true though

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No I mean

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For your situation why don’t you avoid men

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For now