#Remorse and regret

713 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

fierce juniper
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Hi, I'm making a private journal for my negative thoughts and this is my althugheart
THIS JOURNAL IS NOT FOR MY FRIENDS TO SEE, THAT'S WHY I USE ALT

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I feel mad

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On myself, on i who knows what

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I fucking hate my eating disorder

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It's not like I can't control myself

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I don't know

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I just

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Oh god i feel so tired once i try to rant

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Nah man, I'll keep this for now dkskfnds

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Like

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You know

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I always eat when i feel bad

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And i feel bad a lot

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I aet when I'm boree

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And it's a habit really

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I feel like a pif

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Pig

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I'm fat

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I'm overweight really

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My height is 186 shile my weight is 88-90

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And i don't know why, but i always felt bad for fat people

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Or someone eating with sad face

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Like i have a mother instinct on fat people

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I don't know

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I'm wrong, wrong even in my food choices

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I hate how i look, and I'm surprised people are still calling me "Not fat" after all

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I'm a big pig, that's it

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All though i exercise with heavy weight, it seems like it's not helping

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I just want to stop eating and pushing food whenever i feel like it

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It's like I'm always hungry

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Whenever i see fit people

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People with abs and decent body

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I'm jealous

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I'm jealous that I'm so weak, inside and outside

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Weak to actually do

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I hate myself, and I'm not hiding that at all

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I want to change it, because hatred won't bring anything useful

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Only more hatred

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I will rant about something eslse tomorrow, since i have a safe space now

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Goodnight!

fierce juniper
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Hello, it's early in the morning, and today i want to talk about friends and friendships

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I'm a floating friend, it is obvious really, I'm not exactly everyone's favourite, none of my friends would actually think of, invite me or text me as their first choice, only if their favourite person is offline. Well, that makes me feel sad, of course, but I'm getting used to it over time.
This really reminds me of how replaceable I am and mostly how annoying I am, I'm whiny and always sad, and I'm kind, so much kind it actually makes me a burden in every relationship. I know the problem is in me, but I can't help myself but just stay sad and make an alt account that none of my friends will see

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-And then - jealousy

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I'm jealous of my friends, liking someone else more, I'm jealous that I'm worse than their friends, that they don't even like me i think, now that i thought about that

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I may be asking to much attention, but i will explain it tomorrow, i think

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Well, that's it i think, I'm an egoistic prick that wants it all about himself, yet making minimal effort

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Yes i did talk, did help, did try to support, but was it enough?

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No

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No it wasn't

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And well, I'm an awful friend

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I can't tell everything, perhaps i will later

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But for now well

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Maybe that's the reasons my friends don't like me

fierce juniper
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Perhaps I'm blind, one told me that I'm his favourite, but well

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I don't really feel like it

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I can't help it

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I might be overly stupid

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I'm awful

fierce juniper
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I would've guessed

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I am a little upset, but i always knew I'm not a person that anyone could place first

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It does hurt to be a floating friend, does hurt to be alone around people that you call friends

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But I'm getting used to it, over time, it becomes routine

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I know I'm noone's favourite, and with my behaviour and mistakes i make, i'll probably won't find anyone soon

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It's not about relationships only, for i can tell, i scare people away

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Make them feel bad, awkward or mad

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That's why I'm just here

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Nooneto talk to

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Or either noone to get help from

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I have only 1 person i trust, but even they are getting annoyed of me

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I think I'll die alone

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Very soon

fierce juniper
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I don't like to whine, but since noone of ny friends are here to see

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It was never alright in a first place, I only convinced everyone I'm alright, then the lies got too far to the point i thought it really is going to be fine

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While it was only getting worse

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I'm a liar, i sadly admit that, but my far off biggest lie is that I'm good, and it'll pass overtime

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I convinced my best friend that i will be storng, but after a call with them i just cried, knowing i won't make it

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I can't do it

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I don't hope to see my 20's, I don't see myself living up to my 20's

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But ok, people go, so it's no big deal if someone like me dies

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I am scared, i don't want to die, but what else is there left

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I'm not depressed or suicidal, not truing to get attention, i made this account for private kournal after all

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I'm just living in this "I wanna die, but I'm scared to die" situation

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Just a coward

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I hope some day things get so bad, I'll just do it out of desperation

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I don't know

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I hate you @modest laurel, you made my life so fucking worse, you're worse than any bad person i've seen, you the most atrocious mothefucker i could ever see, useless, reckless and disgusting, keep doing your shit as you always do. I wish you fucking worst.

fierce juniper
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Since my early childhood, I've always been a "plan B".
By this very day, I am a plan B, perhaps, to everyone I know, except for my dad and my uncle. I never had a true friend, a friend who would at least put me in a first place, and yes, I do know I'm asking too much, sorry.
It really is painful to realise how replaceable you are, and I mean it! I am REPLACEABLE.
It is true that my friends don't respect me, they don't care as much as I do for them, it is Ok for me, I never said I deserve more. But you know, seeing that your best friends have someone better than you, someone they like more, even if you're doing or did your best for them, prioritise "them" and only come back to you whenever they are bored or alone. It hurts!

In the end, there a glimpse of hope, after all. Even though I'm not loved, (and I think I won't be), even tho I'm at some point alone, even though I AM an awful person - there is just one thing that keeps me happy..

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I won't make it past my 20's

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That's why I live my last few days to the fullest, and I don't care if I die how I planned or die from anything else, I won't make it

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And that's why I'm happy all the times

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I don't want to be THAT sad while I'm literally living my last days here

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So that's it for today, bye!!!

fierce juniper
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We would've have heaven, right at the gates

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But a bit dare of your leaders decided it'll be more reliable to make this world chaotic

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Decided to make us, the breakers of balance

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We would have hold HELL at the start

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But you, scum of the earth, wanted more and more

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Eventually making this water sphere into a social, cruel nightmare

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I sleep and dream to see this place crumble, none of us deserve a right to live, with what we are doing to this world

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I am no exception, if you think i higher myself

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I never was a normal person, I'm lower

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And not just because my every friend is better than me in almost everything, having people so much better than me and EVERYONE around me is so much fukcing better

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No no

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It's because I am canver of ny family trre

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I hate myself

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I hate myself so much for what i hage done to my parents, friends and ex partners

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I'm miserable and useless, everything i do is ruin and vreak everything i touch

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It's a curse given by god, happy mind but sad soul

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And yet, lazy and filthy body

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Ugly and dismorfed

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And I'm ALWAYS JEALOUS pf my fucking friends, so much better than me, so much BETTER

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And i only wish to be better than anyone, yet I sink in the bottom, always racing someone i can't even catch up to

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Always comparing, always jealous

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I fucking hate myself

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Everyone fucking hates me at some point

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I'm literally NOONE'S favourite

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I never was

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I'm a damn backup plan if they're sad or need support or play with someone if they're "Favourite" fucking person is not around

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I'm tired of being left as Plan B

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Each fucking day I thibk that i want to kill myself, i see my demise every single day i live, yet I'm a little young to buy a gun, and do what i planned to do

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I'm a disgrace, for my family and buddies

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A failure only mother can love

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Yet even she hates me

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I always tried to support everyone i can, be kind and give love

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But yet i never received a single OUNCE of what i GAVE

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I NEVER GOT I ONLY GAVE

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And genuinely

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Fuck you all

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Fuck all my damn buddies

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Fuck my "great" parents

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Except for dad maybe

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Fuck myself honestly

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Will god forgive me?

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Fuck no, he hates me too I'm damn sure

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I'm a cancer of everything i participate in

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And i know it

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I feel like the odd one in every call, group or activity

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My friends don't care much, they never notice, but i always try to stay quiet whenever i feel odd and needing to leave

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Back then it was rare, but now every call i just don't say anything

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Because i don't even need to, they won't hear or listen

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And even my uncle seems to be annoyed

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Every tone change, every sigh

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I grew up with a mother from hell

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I know these signs damn it

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I wish i was killed in my childhood

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That would be far more deserving for me

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Than to suffer in this horrendous body, with my disabilities and mentally unstable fuckass brain

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And you know?? This brain will fly once I get money and grow old enough to buy myself I gun i always wanted

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Just wait for Christmas my dear friends, and my thoughts will be spilled in the sky

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I hate myself

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I hate everyone and myself

fierce juniper
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I tried to convince myself that I have self respect, I always tried to not lower myself

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But honestly? I genuinely fucking hate myself

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And i mean it, I'm not even sad about it

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No, really, i hate myself

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The hate became so much, i didn't realise until some of my friends pointed out i always lower myself in every activity we do

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An i thought

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Yeah

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I really do fucking hate myself, so much it's really starting to be a common thingin my life

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Like I'm getting used to say stuff like - Yeah, I can't do it [why?] - because I'm a dumbass, weirdo or a weakling

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Like

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I can't physically accept myself, or admire my work

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I can't accept compliments, support or love, simply because i always think it's sarcasm or a joke

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And it does affect my life

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I never said to anyone that I genuinely want to fucking blow my head off, but i do people, i fucking do, none of my friends know about this, and you know? They wouldn't actually fucking care, they care about their favourite people, not me, never fucking me

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And i feel like one day it'll get worse, and i'll just do it

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I'll kill myself

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And I'm scared to die, I don't qant to die

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Vut there are no bright colours in my life, there never will be

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Because i am melancholic, i am a sad person, I can't change myself

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I tried, so many times

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And i failed

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You see me texting this shit here

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Again

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And the only thing literally keeping me alive, is my dad and uncle

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Nothing more

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I would leave this place the moment i lose them, there is nothing more left for me to care about

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I am useless

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Spoiled

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Attention seeking brat

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And i hate every single atom of myself

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There is no hope

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No respect

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And i know all my friends hate me too

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I'm sure you are reading this thinking "Dude, this guy really seeking attention, what a dork"

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And i may seel some attention, but i need this attention from friends, not strangers

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I fucking hate my life

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I fucking hate myself man

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I'm sorry for being such a bitch

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Honestly

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I'm sorry

fierce juniper
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Today I confirmed that my friends only need me if they are bored or if their fav person is offline or busy

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Didn't i sad that already?

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Alright, discard the script of a sad loser, let me say something good

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Today was decent, all though my headphones went down in battery, it was alright

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what i AM interested in is the dream i had today

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no seriously, i know noone lieks to hear about other people's dreams but

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i'll be short

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so it all started in my house, it was night, my lamp light was filling the room just as it slightes, there were few people and for some reason it felt like school

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My online friend was there, sitting in the bak of the room a.k.a the class

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Then i had a call from the group chat, i heard my other friend ( let's call him Mark) saying something about the friend that was sitting in da back ( call this guy Salty )

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So

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Mark said something about that Salty just drew something

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and then he sent me asome picture, that looked like comics of what he said was Salty's art

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and it was so peak, holy shit

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( It happened too fast, and i don't remember how it looked, or how i got to the snowy street after allat, keep this in mind)

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So

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While i was looking at SAlty's art, i got REALLY jealous, and he started mocking me likea voice in my mind, it felt so real that i fucking remember it TO THIS TIME dude ( i usually forget my dreams as asoon as i awke up obv)

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Then SOMEHOW, after my rage has got to it's peak, i got to a snowy street, by right side there was a trolley way, by left - some random building, and by far right side, was a lond fence and a dark forest

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All was at night, mind saying

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There were lights coming from this building, small lights from windows

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I rember some dudes, tho ican't remmeber how they appeared

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They kinda mocked me like Salty did, but out of rage a beat the shit out of one of them, eventually biting into his throat and ripping it

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The otehr guy scream something, and as it turns out these guys were my friends and i just killed Maks

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Then i saw a trolley lights and i woke up

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The dream happened so fats but it was memorable, tho it's seem long, it really was like 5 minutes or so

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But

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But

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The thing is

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This dream gave a strange motivation charge

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I don't know why

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Again, it felt too real, the feeling of someone, especially the friend that was close to me, be better than me and mocking me afterwards

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I might be a loser, but I hate when someone is better than me so much, it feel useless to do anything

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And when i woke up

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It felt like

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um

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"Thank god it wasn't real, I should never let this happen in real life"

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And so i didn't

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Or, well, i won't

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This dream even help me when my "friends" cold thrown me again

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Today, i wish to have more

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It's night, so i am going to sleep

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wish me luck fellas, hope to get abother "real dream" haha

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Also Irri

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@raven osprey

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Sorry for being useless

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I love you

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And i will never let you go

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You're the only one that actually cares about me, only one who IS a friend to me

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And i carea bout you the same

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🫂

fierce juniper
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I lied

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I actually feel lonely as hell

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Literally every one of my friend are playing with each other

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spending time

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Laughing and doing matching things

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And i bet i they get bored they say "Oh why don't we ask raisin to come"

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fuck you

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I always felt like a fifth wheel, and you people are a perfect example of this

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I want to go silent, yet again

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Only speak when needed

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ANd since I have 3 buddie that actually care about me

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That'll be better than the lasty time

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I'm glad I at least have friends, cuz being alone while feeling lonely is ass laksdgs

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But you know how it goes, of course they will ping me whenever they're bored

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ANd i won't be here

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only when I am bored

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well, i'll see how it goes, hope to get better

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and stop thinking about them

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Or that stuff

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you get it people

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Now for the mental part, i think

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My suicidal thoughts are getting smaller, thanks to 2 people that helped me, all though i'm feeling lonely - this doesn't affect me much, basically because i got used to it overtime

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Physically i'm sick, i feel awful and my temperature rised up to 39.4

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About some mental stuff, i still feel the way i described early

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now i feel a lot of guilt not being able to help the closest person i ever had

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--------------- Also

fierce juniper
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I think(?)

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So

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The dream eneded with trolly lights as i remember, and in today's dream, i arrived at some kind of hotel

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I said hotel, because i got in OVERLOOK hotel

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I immidieatly got to the golden ballroom somehow, and there was my dad

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I don't remember what he said, but i rememebr he said something about me being "The lowest"

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I got angry and said how much i hate thgis place ( Or something, i said i hate something)

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Then my mother apperaed at the stage of the room, somehow close to me and said that i was a disgrace, said she never wanted me in the first place

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ANd then showed me Salty's artwrok from previous dream

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I don't remeber what happened, but i rememebr that i started bashing her head with my foot eventually making it into a mush

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then i woke up

fierce juniper
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I don't understand what am I doing wrong

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They barely invite me in a first place, they made a gc without me and they (as i said) only text me while they are bored AND then tell me that I'm important

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I know people have their own lifes, but you could at least not lie to me

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And yes i do want to join, but i prefer my politics

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If you're not invited - don't go

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My friends don't like me, i realised it a while ago

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But i just don't come up with realisation what can i possibly do to fiz that

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Like

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What's wrong with me

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I really hate it

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Might play some games to distract myself, i guess

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Nothing better i can do to cope with loneliness

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I'm so glad i have at least someone who listens to me

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And the funniest part?

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One friend said he's taking a break from everything, the other one was coding and another one didn't say anything at all

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And then they say "You're trying to get attention, we're just busy "

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Well i can't see anything but avoidance of me

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I'll go calm myself down and speak to my one and only bestie

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I really thank god to have him and my uncle

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God knows what could happen if not then

fierce juniper
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@raven osprey remember, keep quiet about this and everything i tell you ok?

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Ok I'll hop on my main, gotta ssk you smthhhhh

raven osprey
fierce juniper
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I wasn't meant for this

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I don't even gave wprds anymore

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I don't to lie

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Id ont want to spit any word

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I'm tired

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I just want it to end

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I got used to easy life, not remembering how it is to be at your lowest

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I can't keep going

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I promised all pf you that i will

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I can't

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If my father dies

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I will just kill myself

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I'm not attention seeking, I'm not lying i don't feel cool saying this

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He handed me death note, said he feels aeful

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We smoked together at the balcony

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Took a wal

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K

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And all though he feels better

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I'm afraid

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If he dies today or soon, I don't even want to think, i will die too

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Maybe today's trip to the train station was a sign

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Maybe I'm not ready

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I promised to Leo rhat i won't

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To Irri to dad

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But I can't do it

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I kept this "Strong guy" thing for my entire life

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If something happens, just know my last message will be here

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I don't want my friends to see this, respectfully, but if i'd have to say my last goodbye here, than I'll send "🦋" to irri, and he'll know what to do, simply send this to S and say to spread the word

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You guys are cool here all, I'm not so good to keep up with you

fierce juniper
fierce juniper
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@raven osprey

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Hey, i have 3 ideas, tho i can only handle one

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Choose please

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🥥 - Mother
🥔 - Phobia
🍄‍🟫- Friendships

fierce juniper
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Alright thank you

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I think i want to make a letter she will never see

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Or, well, not soon at least

fierce juniper
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Since I was a kid I always loved my mother, she was the only person I loved and she was obviously the one who cared about me, right?
You lost your career because of my birth, you never told me "I never wanted you", but I saw it on your face. You lied to me since the day I was born, you said you cared, said you loved, but then you yelled how awful I am, how ugly and fat I look, how stupid I am, only for you to beat me until I bleed again. You compared me to other kids, "How good they are, why can't you be like them?" You said. You had courage to ask me "Why are you so sad?, why don't you have friends, why do you keep closing your door from me?" - After you compared me to them, laughed at me and beat me? After you didn't let me cry for my entire childhood?
You made me trust you, only to make me your little slave who keeps doing what you ask for, you said you "cared", then you laughed at my cuts, saying I'm an idiot. You made my dad seems to me like a monster, blinding me, making him feel like a stranget to me. You said yoy "cared", then you spied on me, telling all your friends that I'm a burden, reading all my chats and diaries and then beat me up for that.
You said you "cared" - than you ruined your own family.
You ruined every family competition or trip we had.
You made me develop constant sneaking and hiding reflex, mirror child syndrome, trust issued and uncontroable anger.
You took my dog.
You were one of few reasons I was lying on the cold floor, waiting for my desth to come.
You ruined me, made a mistake, now that mistake walks down the streets, hoping to find peace in it's mind.

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Mother Julia, if this letter ever gets to you - I know you hate me, deep down in your heart, you always hated me. You are manipulative, dumb and evil bitch, you deserve this life as you have it now. There is no light for you, as if you ever wanted "light", but to see people suffer, cry and obey you.

I hate you, I miss the times we used to spend as a family, you were a person, sowhat before you went insane.
Now - only few thoughts I get about you, is to see you dead. I dream to watch you die, seeing your desperate attempt to call for me, knowing I will never help.

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I'm not your son - you're not the person who I called mother

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You changed, there's no Julia anymore

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It's either time gets to you, or I will make you see my face atained in your blood, watching you loose your life, as if you ever deserved it.

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I hate you Julia, you ruined everything.

fierce juniper
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I'm a fucking freak, I don't know why I get mad so fast and easily

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Since my childhood, I've always been an angry kid, always getting mad and ragebaited easily, which caused me to get in trouble or hurt someone

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And i genuinely fucking hate myself for that

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Not only for that, but that is the main factor

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I usually keep my mouth shut in calls, because i play like shit in every game i touch, and i don't want to hurt my friends or curse again

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I'm tired of myself

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I'm a lazy piece of shit

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I want to draw, learn different language and read

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But all i do - is doomscroll and play games

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I don't even want to

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It doesn't bring me joy

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I wish i was fucking normal, no wonder my friends mostly avoid me or think I'm a weirdo, no wonder I'm a fucking loser

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I hate it i hate every piece of my mind and body

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I wish for someone to shoot me on the steet

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I wish to shoot myself before the very eyes of my mother

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I want to die literally

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Don't get me wrong, i have a will to live

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Bit I'm an asshole, I don't DESERVE to live

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I'm a biotrash

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All people have purpose, in any kind

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My purpose is unknown

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There is no fucking purpose

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I'm just a sunfish of society

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I suck everywhere

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Awful drawing skills, short memory, awful accent and speaking problems, no music hearing

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Fuck, even in my game i play i suck

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I'm nothing

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All of my "determination" last u til the first mistake

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My mother say "you always give up so fast"

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What's the point of trying if i know i won't do it

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I can't

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I want to

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I can't

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I'm weak and lazy

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And there is no future for assholes like me

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I wish i was never born, I'm my mother's biggest mistake, and i know that damn right

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I hate every piece of myself

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And about anger issues

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It ruins my life

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I wish i was normal, this is not okay

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I'm ill

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I'm not a normal human being

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I don't want to say and do everything i do and say, I don't eant to hurt people

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That's why i keep my fucking mouth shut, all the timez i hate my damn voice, i hate my laughter, i hate my name and i hate my shutters

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I hope that thing doctors found in my blood is cancer

fierce juniper
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I was waiting by a railway after a walk with mu friend

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Some guy yelled at me and charged with screams

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He ask what am i doing

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We started talking and he said that to get off the railway

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We talked

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He asked why did i do this and why did i try to kill myself

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I said i wasn't planning on

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But he said there is no other choice a person so tired looking would be resting on a railway

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We had a talk, a long one

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His name was Sergei, tho he looked mid ages, his voice was much deeper as i thought

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When i asked why he was even here, he said he saw me jumping down the tracks while he was waiting a train passing by

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Turns out we both have a passion for trains and trolleys

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He mentioned that i wear all black, i explained i have nothing more to wear

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That train station at the centre

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I was there

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I couldn't remember why did i decided to do this

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I just got there, walked far until the station stopped and jumped there

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After a conversation with Sergei i realised that life matters at slightest

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He told me to appreciate little things, i didn't get it seriously - it's cliche

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But then he mentioned things like observing nature, looking at the lights, breathing a smell of fresh backed desert

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Because you saw it, you got there, you liked it

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It's your choice you took a walk her and there and saw a beautiful light

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He said that even if there's "no purpose"

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Then you should think about the purpose you could possibly make

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He said "There is no way you can't be useful, you just can't accept your purpose"

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I told him I'm a mirror child, a floating friend and overall just like a ghost

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He said "Do you see yourself in the mirror or start remembering shameful things ehen you go to sleep?"

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Yes of course

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Abd he said that those things makes me not a ghost to myself

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I exist

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There will be at least one person who sees me

#

And i was stupid enough to forget i have Salty or Irritus or My apple pie

#

Of course, I'm not their life

#

And I'm not their first choice

#

But those people see me

#

Sometimes a lot, sometimes it's just a word

#

And Sergei saw me

#

I wasn't supposed to get home today

#

I can't get over it still

#

I feel

#

Lkke you know

#

Not real

#

I got home shaking

#

It could be any moment

#

Yet i think i met an angel

#

Sergei said I'm a surprisingly a wise teenager for my age

#

And he was surprised by my choice of ending this all

#

His words were something like "You're smarter than most of people I see here, even old "wise" people, don't let this knowledge spill because of demons in your head"

#

Or something similar, i don't remember what he said about old people

#

And I thought

#

I mean

#

I tried to appreciate myself

#

I never actually did

#

This journal was my thoughts after a long day

#

After every smile i gave, every joke i did every laugh i did or force myself to do so

#

It's a refletcion of my own demise i was so desperate to get

#

Yet at the last moment i saw a strange angel eho apparently liked trains

#

Before i left the station, he said that everyone he saw there was regular, regular problems, regular behaviour, all people heading somewhere

#

Yet i was one of few heading "straight to heaven"

#

Sergei said to not let go of my spark

#

Not many teens are like this he explained

#

I got home shaking

#

Realising what a mistake i could've possibly do or

#

I don't lnow

#

I'm grateful that Sergei was there

#

It's an ironic thing

#

At my last minutes, there was a stranger

#

Not any friend, not my parents not uncle

#

It was Sergei

#

I'm sorry for my mistake

#

Goodnight

#

If you're interested in what he said, I can't tell now

#

I need to calm down some more

#

So

#

Goodnight

#

Leave like a flower emoji if you want me to tell, because I don't really

fierce juniper
#

All of my friends play sapper

#

I thought i could too

#

Turns out i can't

#

I know, it's stupid

#

But I'm not upsrt about a game

#

It's just another reminder i don't belong in this group chat

#

And i think they know it

#

I don't understand why do they keep me around, considering how much problems i caused

#

I'm a ballast of sigmolsi, there is no other role for me

#

Sidekick for when it's boring and you need someone dumb to laugh at

#

Well

#

Now I'm sure

fierce juniper
#

For month i've been feeling worse

#

I wanted to rest

#

I don't want to disguise it

#

Sory

#

I'm very sorry

#

But

#

Forget it

#

Throughout the whole month, i realised 3 things

#

  1. I don't beling in sigmolsi, I'm stupid, useless and annoying brat, my presence makes this group chat a mad mess. I get ignored by everyone except 1 person, and i think I'm hated here.

  2. It's usually easier to shut up, then to spread the word and seek attention or help

  3. All though I can't physically or mentally respect myself, i should respect what i have, only then i can possibly get a piece of rest

#

I think I'll leave sigmolsi soon, all though i love those people a lot, it seems like my only role here is being a burden, I only bring bad things for now, and I can't possibly chage it for now.

#

I'm very sorry for what i have done, I'm still figuring stuff out

#

Sorry

#

I'm sorry

fierce juniper
#

I didn't think I would open this journal again

#

But, shit been happening man

#

I tried to be a perfect friend, nephew, son

#

But

#

Once I lowered my guard down and started being myself, I made shit worse

#

Everyone hates me dude

#

My mother hates me, my uncle seem to not like me, my friends hate me

#

And, man

#

That's harsh

#

O wanna spend time with my sunshine, talking, gossiping, even horny joking, yet, I ruined our friendship

#

Completely

#

And i tried to fix it, but I see how he avoids me

#

My friends are not even hiding how they hate me

#

Simply by ignoring, interrupting me, being rude and cold to me

#

My mother just hates me

#

And I feel empty

#

But

#

My father

#

The only person who was there ALL the time

#

And, well, he still is

#

Here

#

Only one who cares if I did, even at slightest, the only who doesn't hate me, all though I'm a bad son

#

I will try to fix everything, but for now I just need to fix myself

#

I know, this journal is not meant for my friends

#

Not even Irri, yet he found it, tho I'm glad he did

#

For my friends: You're truly great people, I understand that we're all different in such ways, though, I feel, yoy guys don't need me. I see the avoidance, see the hate and clear disgust of me. I want to leave you, find better people FOR ME, but for now - I can't. You truly mean something to me, you teached me a lesson that changed me forever and I'm gladful for that.

I understand that I mean shit to you, and I'm sorry we met.

#

For my dear Irri

I'm sorry I let it happen.
Those people took me to an emotional hell, I can't find my place when I think of me leaving you like that. I'm sorry. I shouldn't given a single fuck for those people, yet sadly, I did.

I want to bring out old times back, god I do, but I understand this is impossible.

Even if you say otherwise, I'd still think you hate me, even if we bring everything back to normal, I'll always carry the guilt, that I left you for people who want me gone.

You are truly - the only one I ever said "I love you" honestly, because I do, not in a romantic way, I love you because you're the only happy thing that happened to me, you're a sunshine that always makes me feel alive, knowing I have you. And it's not just because you did stuff for me, it's because I also love you for speaking to me, sharing thoughts, venting to me and being sad with me.

I'm sorry, I see how we drift away from each other, and it hurts me on a deepest level.
I'm very sorry Irritus, I should've been so foolish.🙁

#

Tomorrow is a big day. I have to prepare.

#

I should take a good nap, so, I'll head out to sleep this instant.
Again, I'm very sorry for everyone I hurt or offended, for those who gone through me and my problems - Sorry, do not take me seriously. I'm a child who hasn't understood this world yet, I deserve to die or to suffer, but, I genuinely want to fix everything.

#

The butterfly is actually a suspicious thing so, might change it. I don't want my friends to see this.

#

Remorse and regret

fierce juniper
#

Sudden burst of selfharm?

#

Let me explain

#

I'm a religious guy, okay?

#

I wanted my Spiridon's blessed tissue to be like

#

With me all the time

#

No money for a necklace, nor anything

#

So

#

I decided to put it under my skin

#

After several attempts to cut deeper, the wound won't open, so for now I'll leave this idea

#

It didn't hurt much as expected, it actually did brought me that old forgotten joy of selfharm

#

So

#

I don't know, call it selfharm or not, my hand is open now

fierce juniper
#

Hello

#

I won't be active for the next few days

#

This message, is for my friend

#

I got drunk today

#

And i did something horrible

#

I was drunk, I'm sorry

#

My dad was drunk too

#

It doesn't matter

#

My dearest friend if you can read this, or hear me, I'm sorry that a year ago, on that day, day you lost your hope, i wasn't there to help, I'm sorry that I didn't see how you struggled, I'm sorry i couldn't finish people who hurt you, I'm sorry i hurt an innocent dog for that.
I'm sorry for that I failed to save you, I know, I keep forgetting, but I pray for you, each day felt like a torture.
But, since then, I promised myself, and you, I promised you I would be better. I tried to learn something new, make new friends, even if they are online, hell, I joined a new group, thinking I was only left a year to live. I promised you that I will become someone better, for you, and for people who I made hurt.
If not that, i wouldn't care so much for my friends, even if they are just having a bad mood, it always reminds me of how you struggled.

#

I'm sorry that the day I was meant to die, I met a saviour. I want to see you again. And I will never, until I die, forgive myself, of how I failed you, how I left you and broke a promise, to never hurt someone

#

I'm sorry I didn't die the day I planned. But I promise, one last time - If some day, maybe another Christmas, I'll try to keep our deal

#

I will die like you

#

Just like you, nobody will be there to help

#

Noone will ever hear or know, what I am about to do.

#

I'm sorry that on that day, we didn't meet last time, and I'm sorry that I met him

#

I only wish to forget about it, but you know, we both know - I'm doing everything for you. And I promise, and I will try my best, to keep my friends, people around me and even my enemies - safe and happy

#

I'm sorry

#

I'm so so sorry Milz

#

I'm sorry we will never meet.

#

You were an angel, biggest light of hope I've ever seen

#

But I was, and I am - a sinner

#

I belong in hell, and, I know, i would never get to heaven to see you.

#

I'm sorry

#

My dearest friend.

#

🙁

fierce juniper
#

Since this journal won't be update for a long time, I think it is a right time to say the truth I've been scorching to say, to at least someone

#

If not her, I would never found my friends I currently have, never continued to draw, never learnt french and I would've been either a crackhead or someone like you usually see on the streets behaving like a monkey

#

It is for her I care for people around me. She was only one trying to stope from smoking, cutting, choking, all that stuff

#

If not her

#

I wouldn't care

#

But after all what I saw, I do

#

It is because of her I notice every single shift in my friends's behaviour, every frown on people's faces, every cry of a child, every look of hopelessness

#

Because I know, anyone of them could die

#

I care too much for people I know because I don't want to let anyone die again

#

Or at least, they will have someone who will care, when they die

#

It is because I've felt how it is to be dead, of course, it wasn't completely suicidal attempt, I just overdosed, sadly or hopefully not enough to kill me

#

I tried hurting myself, but it made me stronger

#

And since that day, since both of the days I saw her dead, I thought i was going to die, i promised both of us, I'll be someone for everyone I know

#

Someone they can trust, someone who will be there, even when they die

#

I never asked the same. Yes, I did vent about being "floating friend"

#

But what I mean by not asking the same

#

I mean - noone will know the day, time, second I die. I allowed my dearest friend to die alone, seeking help from others, but never received it, truly.

#

I deserve to die alone, I don't want to be carried in the hands of god. I'm a sinner. But I promise, I won't let anyone around me, feel hopeless, like she did

#

Goodnight, and I'll see you, some time, another time.

fierce juniper
#

It's about those guys again

#

So, we were playing forsaken, yeah with friends again, I joined them because of extra experience feature in the game, and dude

#

It's a minor detail I've noticed, they helped each other, and stuff

#

But did their absolute best when i was a killer

#

And I'm surez if I even tell them something like "Can you at least pretend you're trying to help me" they'll say I'm a snowflake

#

"ohh but we keeping forgetting to invite you!!" Every single day?

#

I am tired if those people, but at least I'm not complaining

#

Though, if someone of them finds it, especially one guy who I cannot trust with seeing this journal

#

It is a hard decision, but i willl leave sigmolsi and block whoever found it, simply because it's a private journal

#

But yeah, only thing i can really say, as again, I noticed it a while ago, i do not belong there

#

I regret spilling my feelings to people who hate me

#

Or at least, don't respect me at slightest

#

Hood news are, my scars healed a bit

#

And I would say, good news are that I'm taking a rest finally

#

Only me, Irri and people who you can't know

#

So? Rest well whoever sees that

#

I'm off for a while

#

I hope.

fierce juniper
#

Hey, wasn't much time since I was here before haha, it's a friend trouble, again

#

No ranting, but, some feeling dumping

#

Apart of 2 motherfuckers who ruined my mood today in college, now this

#

I'll get straight to what i think, no story, I don't have time, nor I'm in a mood to tell you a story or anything

#

I understand, I may have been rude, very rude maybe, but, I mean it. He did say he checks up on me, everday, which I cannot believe, but, okay, I truly appreciate it, I really thought he gave a huge fuck on me a while ago.
And well, I'm sorry if that is true, but, all though allat, I still felt like he, no like, every one of them just don't give a fuck.

#

No, don't get me wrong, but after he said " We forgot to invite you", i realised, i wasn't meant to ve invited at first. It's not about damn games or anything, it's about that even with that being said "I checked on you", I still felt like I was floating in a shallow boat

#

And okay, apart of my own feelings - now that he said the truth, I regret a bit, that that happened. I am sorry that after all, I still got mad.

#

Yes, I do regret that I lost my friend because of an inconvenience, that could've been fixed by both of us. And yes, I will miss him, even at slightest.

#

But, the story is well told, I assume by that time he blocked me already, and hopefully - moved on.
Still, I hope he won't feel bad about it, all though all of what we both said, I still will wish him everything best, even if he hates me now.

#

But, I will never take his words "You're standing still" as truth. I realise I step on the same damn rack over and over, but, I am genuinely trying. I hope and wish, that some day, I'll forget about every mistake I did. Because I'm trying my best now, to change what I am now

#

For the last, I'm sorry that happened, but, it was obvious that this was coming.

#

With this said, perhaps I will take a vacation next time, since, of course, all of this will get me spilling some thoughts later

#

But at last, now I think

#

Truly, at last

#

If he does really care, maybe he will come back, perhaps not

#

But what will surely happen - I'll try to change

#

Even more

#

Oh, man

#

Okay

#

You know?

#

I will come back after a shower

#

I have something to say, and this something, won't be so much better from what I said

#

But, noone of my friends are here to see it, so? Maybe I can say sorry with a shame on my face last time

#

Okay cya

fierce juniper
#

I am sorry.
I know, this is very twosided of me to say, after all what I said.
This may seem as a cry for my friend to come back, but it is not.
I am genuinely sorry, not for everything, but for one thing I realised.

Sarti, I know you found out abouth this jornal, for whatever I said "Not for my friends" It was just a time bomb, seeking it's time. I know, you won't see it anyway, and I totally understand you here.
But, just in case, I'm sorry.
I didn't know you actually cared, I thought you lied, constantly, perhaps, it's my fault, perhaps our both. But the fact is a fact, after someone said that you're cold and careless to others, I thought, I was that "other" for you too. After this "joke" lord forgive me for remembering it and after someone another told me to "Guard the simple things with liars" - those simple things of forgetting to invite me or forgeting about me in any way, made me feel that I'm being lied on.
After you said that you check everything, I realised, I was kinda blind, now I'm starting to remember every time you asked about what I was talking, when you said " wanna join us?" After I said about loneliness in the journal. You checked everything. We both did. I know what you said in Nova's journal, I know that you found this journal a long while ago and I know, that we both were checking on each other the same way.
I'm sorry that I made you feel like I don't care about you caring about me, all though it is late to say it now, well, I did care, every message of yours brought me into a good mood, of course, not every time, but most of the times. I didn't sleep well after something happened to you, even if it's a headache.
Now that I know the both sides, or, well, some of it, I can truly say - I was keeping my guard too harshly, so harshly it became a routine, to constantly think of being a white crow - not only for you.

#

Sarti, again, I know you won't see it, but, I'm sorry that I made you feel hopeless, for that I mean, hopeless to help me, prove and tell me that you care.
After all, I'm sorry for not letting you sleep, same way as I didn't sleep for you.

Whatever you do or say, if you feel like tou have to move on, then move on. I assure you that I will be fine, of course, I wil miss our friendship - but I won't keep you bleeding, simply because I like being friends with you. For you and for Milz, I'll be better, as for I already am trying to become better. And I think, I'm making progress.
I'm sorry for keeping my guard to high.

#

As for the one of you, that I will hate, for everything you did and said to me.

#

Marvey, I know you too are reading this. I want you to know, how much I hate you, how much you said and made me trust, stalking me and pretending to help. You ruined my friendship, ruined me and now you're trying to get over it?
I hate you, with my deepest heart, I hate you Marvey. For you, there will be a personal room in hell just with me, so you I can look you in the eyes, and see what a devil lies within.
I'm not sorry for everything I did to you, and I don't care how awful you feel or how many nights you didn't sleep because of it.
You're a mistake, Marvey.

#

Well. As for now, I'm surely in need of rest. I hope this journal will be closed for good. As for - I don't want to hide anything from anyone. Not this time.

#

Goodnight, rest well.

modest laurel
#

Hello

#

After flooding myself with tons of alcohol and smoking god knows how many cigarettes, I'm finally sober.

#

Since I don't have any dear people to hide this journal from anymore, I'm here to either leave my last words, or leave something to laugh at in the future.

#

I don't know where to start but, okay

#

Let's go back into time? I think.

#

For the last month, well, a bit of less - I've started drinking, my father did not like it, but understood my desire to drink

#

I started smoking, and sometimes getting drunk

#

And

#

Do not ask me why, I have my reasons to hate my life enough to drink my problems are.

#

One day, I got drunk again, a little bit, as usual of course, my dad was drunker, and slept.

#

Well, I thought that it would be a good idea to punish myself for past mistakes, and I made several cuts around my legs, stomach, legs and one around the neck

#

I took a shower and, went to "play" with my friends.

#

As I joined, of course, I got mad because of a game and, since there were my friends I put my anger on them. I was angry enough because of 2 fuckers in my college, and then i got even mkre mad because of a game. I said something to my friend, probably called him an idiot. He got mad, than the rest in my other journal.
I didn't mean to actually scare him off, but i was mad enough to stop talking to him and thinking it was his fault.

#

And

#

What?

#

Well. For the last 2 days I wasn't really sober, either drunk or semi-drunk.

#

Now, well, I got a bit sober. And

#

I really regret getting off those train tracks.

#

This Journal called "remorse and regret" is literally what i felt for the past 3 days.

#

It is not because I lost my dear friend, but because what have I done in general.
First off, for a long time i felt, well, "Ignored". My friends, well, my past friends I'm afraid, were great people. They always supported me, even if it is small things. There was jolly fellow, let's well, call him Salty, as I did before.

#

So again, Salty is a great friend, yeah, but, none of this reallybecause of what I
For I've taken Salty as a liar I wasn't sure about this, but 2 things - he has a lot of better people. And, since I cleary am a mn, i thought he's only doing this care thing out of pity. me, yeah?
The second thing, is probably because I was , recently, and this constant feeling of being lied on, kept me from

#

Trusting

#

I didn't appreciate thongs i had. I didn't appreciate his support, my other friends's support, not because I was selfish, i couldn't think of myself as something that someone would like, i thought everyone was just thinking i need support because I'm depressed or something.

#

And now what?

#

I lost all of them. My friends, I mean. With how much I caused, I've always knew I was causing trouble, and no, It's totally my fault only, but, indeed I never wanted to hurt anyone.

#

It's late to say sorry

#

But I will.

#

I am sorry. Sorry for not trusting, sorry for not appreciating your work.
I'm sorry for being a drama queen, I never thought I was one, until I realised I am. I'm sorry for being a bad friend dude, I'm really sorry.

#

I'm sorry for being a crybaby! Damn it. Sorry for being so sad.

#

I never really was fine, when I met you guys, I fucking hate myself, and loving you Sarti? It's because I never had People like you, who have me attention.
I'm an awful person. I don't want forgiveness, I know Salti hates me, or either is disgusted by me. All this "I've tried to change" - was flooding myself with alcohol, antidepressants and cigarettes! I'm sorry for that !!

#

Maybe, I was too picky and sensitive, no a lot actually, well, now

#

Now i know i don't deserve any of that. I don't have any more people to be like that anymore

#

I don't deserve forgiveness. None i deserve to be loved or surrounded by people i was surrounded by.

#

Believe me - I want things to be back! I want to change, now for sure, I want my friends back!

#

But

#

I only cause damage

#

Milana, Irritus, Sarti, Zamu, Leo, Grander

#

How many people hate me?

#

Everyone

#

Literally

#

Even I do. I always did, and because OF MY OWN HATRED they hate ME

#

I did everything to ruin my life, i started drinking, i was a sissy i was angry and mad and i was the fucking idiot eho trusted marvey rather than MYSELF

#

FUCK

#

FUCK

#

FUCK

#

I'm ashamed of myself

#

For being a drama queen, but rather than apologising, i drank

#

Rather that saying " I didn't mean it" I cried with a cigarette in my mouth saying i didn't mean it to Myself

#

Not them

#

I don't seserve people like this

#

And I've proven myself as a burden

#

Again

#

And I fucking regret that i met sergei back then

#

I could've die, i wanted to die, but

#

Well

#

Do you see what happened?

#

And no

#

I don't want any fucking attention, I don't need support, not anymore not anything

#

I just

#

It's my fault, okay?

#

Everything

#

My friends? I don't except them to forgive me. They're probably thinking "I want to forget him". I want too.
Of course, I miss them, dreadfully, especially salti, but

#

I'm glad they have each other, for salti it's a lot of people, actually

#

For me?

#

I don't deserve them, again.

#

To clear this up

#

I'm sorry for everything I've caused. I'm a troublemaker, and sadly, I'm not proud of it

#

Why are you here

#

I thought you blocked me?

#

Please, leave me be, I don't want you to see all of, well, me

ashen ravine
#

👍

modest laurel
#

Thank you, I wish you best

#

Sorry for everything

#

Eh, fuck it, i genuinely thought Sarti did not care for this journal. Well, again

#

Sorry? As much as I was horrible, I am sorry. I once mentioned that I am 007 of sigmolsi, well, now it is totally true. I regret what I did in this group, and I cannot think of talking to these people again, sonply because of how much shame and guilt a i carry. And no, I don't need help or support, I really want peace and quiet now. It is my fault, my mistakes, my problems

#

So, well, it is what it is now

#

For only good news, I've been better in sports, i've started thinking much clear, and stipped all that additional bullshit. I changed my daily routine with something happy, like appreciating my life and all, small steps

#

I don't hope for better ending, i just wish all of sigmolsi's members the best, those people made this year the jly happy year for the ladt 5 years, and i had to ruin it.

#

I'm sorry, again.

#

I'll try to move on, maybe, eventually, I'll indeed forget about everything I did. But for now, I'm focused of being better

#

At least, I see things I want to appreciate, even at slightest

#

Maybe for last, Thank you, all of my friends, and, if you're reading this, Sarti

#

Thank you for being the best friend I had in a long while. For all the support, caring, even our conflicts. But, most, thank you for showing me the side I hate the most.

#

I doubt this journal will ever continue, but, who knows?