The Unknown Diary

[tulip void]

You all matter to me

Everything matters

Even the butterflies

Sorry dear

It's ok

Please don't worry

I am truly fine now

But i need to sleep

Sorry

Goodnight and sleep well, i think today I'll remember my dream

I wish you to remember your dream too

[devout swift]

goodnihgt

please rest well

[tulip void]

Weird thing to rant about, but ok

@jovial ferry it's gonna be stupid, but you know me

Sorry dkskgkd

[jovial ferry]

Sounds lovely ngl

[tulip void]

I exist btw

[jovial ferry]

Glad to hear that you do, welcome

[devout swift]

you always exist for me

and i will

[tulip void]

Can i join you later

[devout swift]

Sure sure sure!!!!

[tulip void]

Ok thanks

[devout swift]

this scene is soo aura farm i cant

[tulip void]

👁️👁️

[tulip void]

That's why i don't like meeting friends of my friends

So, we just played together and there was a friend of my friends Tom, they said he was chill and all

But more i played, more i realised he's a fucking weirrdo really

Type of people getting killed by jason becuase of their stupidty in cocky behavoiur

Worst guy i've seen this week, ruined my day, thanks

I was already mad becuase of how i suck at playing this game, and i was tired before that

And this fucking idiot just had to turn out to be a prick

never meeting their fuckijng friends again, should've kept my mouth shut

One guy was right - Ig youre not invited don't go

I should've used this pollitics earlier

As if i was invited

yeah right

Fuck this day dude

[tulip void]

I need to tell something in diary

[tulip void]

I don't belong there

I'm tired of being a burden for people

Day was grey, it onlt got worse and worse, tomorrow is college

It's going to he awful, i will faily exams, simple because of how stupid i am, as usual

I hate it

Goodnight, sleep well

[tulip void]

Why do i feel like the odd one every time i speak with anyone

I should really cure thisz yet how

Shiuld I'm getting over ot slowly, but how do i cure it

[jovial ferry]

Didn't post anything yesterday because of exhaustion.
The day wasn't the best. Often felt depressive and hopeless, time to time mad, mostly at myself. It was also quite boring.
I've met cookie in the morning. We cuddled a bit and talked, then went to do our things. I went to the market to grab some food and came back with quite a bad mood. After eating met cookie again. It was okay too, also some talking and exploring places on vrc. The rest of the evening went a bit worse. I went out for a walk, came to a bridge and stood at the edge for a bit. Quite a scary thing not gonna lie. Came home horribly mad, and since I barely held it I've talked to my mother. The talk calmed me down, went better than I thought. I've met cookie once again, we were growing bananas on vrc. Got quite exhausted after all so didn't interact with anyone much. That's pretty much all that happened yesterday. Special thanks for cookie and my mother, you all make me keep going ^^
Thanks for reading, good luck!

[tulip void]

My milk grecha is gone.

I'm MAD.

[tulip void]

I love y'all guys @jovial ferry @devout swift @raw locust

Goodnight sleep well if you're about to sleep

Either way rest well today

[jovial ferry]

You too darling!!

[jovial ferry]

Shortly about how to deal with scammers ✅

[tulip void]

Phone number untied kingdom

Could've paid em respect for jolly matey🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

Gakvkszmgmsmcmfm

[jovial ferry]

Mamma Mia🤌

[tulip void]

👀👀👀

[jovial ferry]

Huh

[tulip void]

Broken hearte

Ok goodnight anyway

[jovial ferry]

xddddd yuh

[tulip void]

Love you Irri, love you all guys rest well

[jovial ferry]

Cursed video lmao

[jovial ferry]

Good night Raisin!!

[tulip void]

🫂🫂

[devout swift]

replying too late but hiii ily too💖

and good morning

wish you the best today

[tulip void]

Yesss wish you too

[jovial ferry]

Looks like sex is my fav number 😇

[tulip void]

Something feels off

I can't let it spill again

I can't keep talking

[devout swift]

nononono…..

it seems he flirts with you

may be

[jovial ferry]

WHO WITH WHOM LMAO

[devout swift]

ok i’m going insane

[devout swift]

i meant thiss

yess

this

[jovial ferry]

Oh I get it xdd

[tulip void]

Day was constant battle between "I should give up, I can't do it, there is no future"

And some stragne feeling of determination and self esteem

I'm trying hard not to relapse

There is no hate for myself, all though I'm mad, shameful of what i did

There shall be no hate for the only person who cares when I die

It's me

This picture

Kgakckkskvkezc

Okay goodnight

Goodnight dear Irii🫂

[jovial ferry]

You are doing amazing Raisin. After so much shit that happened, you kept on, and still giving your best for improvement. You can do it dear and I know it. Stay safe, and don't forget that you aren't alone out there!
Good night ^^

[devout swift]

Right✅

[tulip void]

Thank you Irritus, dear, I'm grateful for that I have you, even in such a hard time, you still remain cheerful

🫂

[tulip void]

Hey, day was fine after all, nothing to worry about and it was great, kinda

I'll take my pills and sleep for now

goodnight rest well

[tulip void]

Nightmare

[jovial ferry]

That's quite relatable. Gotta check this track tho xdd

[tulip void]

I just found a way to colour my college days

In my neighborhood i listen to vaprowave, and as soon as I cross the road to another neighborhood it changes to synthwave

Sound silly right, but it's actually is atmospheric

[jovial ferry]

Yeah it is indeed atmospheric!

Yesterday went normal. Was quite lonely, felt empty for the most of the day, but meeting cookie in the evening made it better. Today was okay at first, then I mean one of my friends, we hung out and got some alcohol. I drank somehow more than usual, didn't really look at what I was drinking and got to the point where I didn't know where I am and what is going on. I don't ever wanna repeat this, it's horrible don't ever do that please. Half of the day is still going, maybe I'll post something later. Good luck! ^^

[tulip void]

Hi hello

Day was fine, haven't played games surprisingly, felt uneasy, started to noticing how much negativity comes around me

College was fine, nothing much really, I fell inlove with synthwave and vaporwave again

Drew a lot more frames, feel anxious to ruin something again

Yesterday my friend invitede to play, all tho he said he wanted to he didn't even texted me a word, not to rant, it's a bit funny to me

I got used to it, so I don't mind

Spent a nice time talking to someone, can't tell who😼

[jovial ferry]

Whoa synthwave is cool, sounds nice!! Sorry to hear you are going through negativity, but you are doing good so far. Bet you can beat it!! And good luck with that new person you've got there, hope you build a good friend/relationship with them! ^^

[tulip void]

Thank you Irri, i'm glad i habe you really, you was here with me through everything, and you still are, i'm sorry too for what you may go through, but i know - You're strong

no matter what or who happens in my life, you're still my best friend forever

And again, sorry for being silent recently

You may know what i was planning on doing in perv. month

[jovial ferry]

No need to apologise for me choosing you Raisin🫂

[jovial ferry]

Yeah, I do... But everything is fine. All of us go through a hard time at the certain point, the most important thing is that you are still going on with it

[tulip void]

🫂

And you are one of few most important things to me

well not things, person of course

shd

I'm sure you know that, withouth you, I would've been dead a year ago

[sdlfkhsdh

ok gtg eat and either play smth or start all over with that video

[tulip void]

Dude

[jovial ferry]

Enjoy your meal @tulip void

[tulip void]

I actually remembeber that you're my uncle

[tulip void]

thankssss

[tulip void]

HAA

@jovial ferry USS

[jovial ferry]

Damn, accurate xdd

[tulip void]

I'm with you, Irritus

🫂

[tulip void]

Hello again, i k ow i talked about my dau today, but well, i have more to say now

So, th day was grest overall, again, i fell i love with a music genre i liked before, the college was decent, tho nothing special

When i got home i drew a lot, then kinda laid down to think about everything

I got a micro panic attack in the shower, and on top of that i coughed blood while shaving and brushing my teeth, so much so my teethbrush is a little brown now

And all though that bloody mess looked awful, it happenes sometimes, nothing i can do

Tooky french lesson, now heading to take my pills and go to sleep, hopefully to wake up normally

Goodnight, rest well

🌹

[tulip void]

Hello hello how are you? Fine thank you, my day was great, college was decent as usual, but we had a decent tume with my hb playing minesweeper and bad piggies

At the last lesson however....

The air alert stared, and my friend rushed out, successfully escaping college before they lock us up, me on the ohter hand - had a different story

I waited until the teacher marks me as "Was on the lesson" until i realised she already marked me, I rushed to the first floor seeking for my friend, but when i got to the end of hall, i figured he already left

BUT

While squeezing through the students, i had a clear idea in my mind. Some students whispered "Maybe we could escape by window" as a JOKE, not knowing I was heading to the exact thing they joked about

I entered an empty class, and sit by the window, making a scene as if i was getting my stuff into a bag, and while noone was watching, I opened the window and jumped

Some guy saw me, laughed hard and we shook hands laughing it off

Before we turned around.

There were 6 people following my step, all jumping down and sceddadling away. Since the class's door was glass, i think they saw me

I ran away and got home

Later, had a good ol' workout session and took a good resting shower

After that i took a walk, and decided to listen to so some vaporwave to relax.
It indeed helped, I'm about to continue drawing

Oh i might also say

Well i kinda realised i don't really belong in my current friend group

Though, I don't wanna ruin my mood now

But yeah, I don't think I mean something there

And if so, than I'm a last choise for my friends

Kinda

Yeah

Ok I'll see you later

[tulip void]

My future house

[devout swift]

i need this

[tulip void]

This video might be actually me in the future

all though i'm a paranoid, this house really fits me

[devout swift]

Sameeee

being alone means alot to me

in bad way

i always overthink, look around and hear creepy sounds on the kitchen

[tulip void]

Or notice your dead friend in the dark

Yeah that happenes

Because i have nectophobia and I'm paranoid does quite literally mean i see stuff or often hear stuff

When i turn around nothing there

[devout swift]

it’s like a pennywise hallucination

[tulip void]

I kinda tried to cure it, tho my physiatrist said it's no use

[tulip void]

A smile is something special

A ribbon is something rare

[devout swift]

everything seems different but stops at the one moment

[tulip void]

So I'll be speacial and I'll be rare with a ribbon in my hair

[tulip void]

Yeah

Make you feel anxious

And suddenly you scream or punch something or hurt yourself or anything around you

It sucks

And that's why i keep my light on usually

Even if it's something small

[devout swift]

I’m just turning lights on waiting for something

if nothing happens i just

turn off the lights and get back doing thing

[tulip void]

That's kinda the reason i penetrated my hand back then

[tulip void]

Yeah

But worse

It's a constant fear even with a light on

But i don't feel it now since i live with my papa

He keeps the fear away simply by being there

[devout swift]

YES

i’m kinda worried after turning on lights

[tulip void]

I'm worried as soon as i don't hear any sound

so usually music or white noise keeps me from losing my mind

not that i can't be in silence, just not all the time

[tulip void]

I feel awful i think i need some sleep

The day was as usual

Some things ruined my mood otherwise it was okay

I'm feeling sick and my head hurts

And a cherry on top I'm thinking of stiff again

At least i have friends, right

[tulip void]

I tried to do pull ups but it made the headache worse

Tho, now I'm feeling determined and ready to do something

I'm trying to pump my blood running, walking and doing some streching, otherwise i'll feel worse

I'm worried if this is because of my pills, because all though they should help me get calm, the side effect is something i don't remember

But, it might get my brain get addicet to stuff that contains in antidepressants

Because recently, i've started to feel tired, (bad way) after some time when i take em

This started since August, but since then i had some hard time

But for now thinga are clear and mostly back to normal, so, i think i should stop taking my meds

Whatever will happen, i think it'll be better for my health

[tulip void]

Yoo hey hey

So summary of the day

Yeag

Day was at least somehow productive, i finished drawing animation skeleton, developed a new way to animate head and neck, upper body too, fid some pull ups, played some brain-fucking games, and even helped my friend to pass a hard level ingame

Also took a walk with my mom, tho it was hella cold

Here's my last minsweeper results, yeah i still suck

But most importantly

Realised something

I'm heading to sleep, soo

Goodnight!!

[jovial ferry]

One of my favourite recent shots. Made it just today, gives me some weird vibes I can't exactly describe. "Organism" from vrchat would be the best reference xdd

[jovial ferry]

Hey hey, didn't update anything here in a while. Past few days were normal, as usual. Friday went okay, after school I talked to cookie for a bit, then went to my mother since she was at my brother's school to sign up some papers and brought them to school. Met my bro there and we went to meet another friend of mine. Three of us then went to the studio, where we practiced separately most of the session. At the end of it I felt a bit down and had to push myself to answer happily, but honestly I'm pretty used to it. Thanks to cookie that evening ended well, we spent at least five hours together, I ended up watching her play Minecraft. Was a good thing not gonna lie. Today was fine too. Met cookie in the morning, we watched one episode of the series named "pose", which I really enjoyed watching, and left. Market, then some chilling at home and my bro came to meet me. We immediately went to a store and back, took us around two hours to finish. We ate and he left, I went out to the market again. After all I've met cookie once again to watch some series. This time we've watched two episodes, she even fell asleep mid second episode, which was very cute. A small meal, and bed time.
That's it for these past two days, good night and take care! ^^

[tulip void]

I'm home

Day was great, apart from bleeding

I don't have any energy left to type it all

Goodnight

[tulip void]

Goodnight rest well

[tulip void]

Hello day was okay

Goodnight rest well

[jovial ferry]

Just got told that I look a bit similar to a neanderthal. They didn't mean anything bad, yet makes me feel even more bad about myself🤔

[tulip void]

Hey

The day was awesome, but lazy...

I escaped college by window because of an air alert again, got home, showered and doomscrolled for a while

Than my friend texted me

Of course, I immediately thought it's because noone else is offline, but she said no????? That surprised me, and we got to a new game on chrome

While we played it both duo, thibgs were peaceful, and he genuinely made me feel that butterfly in the stomach feeling, like I am needed

Then some other friends joined, and sadly my twin left, kinda, which made me really upset, we had a decent time with friends and that's all

I also kinda remembered my old friend, but that's a different story, really

Overall, day was awesome and great, I'm still feeling best i could!!!!

Goodnight and sleep well :D

🩷

And thank my dear twin for amazing time today

[jovial ferry]

Greetings. It was quite a long day not gonna lie! Long school, then neighbour meeting at the garden, so I got free only after 7 PM. I kinda enjoyed it though, with being this busy I just don't have time to get bored or to overthink, so it's good in some way ^^

I want to talk about a few things. First of all, I remember my ex. Everything looked fine in the moment, just "love", lust and joking around. But, the major reason of us breaking up was the poor quality of communication. Starting from just not saying about the inconveniences, such as breaks, too many texts etc. and ending with not trusting each other enough in what we feel. Those times when I said I liked everything and she doubted it as if it was me hiding cheating. Well, that was fair. We did hide it all, got distant and lost the relationship after all. I do not miss her, but now I understand the importance of trusting right people and sharing feelings (and I mean feelings, not constant fears).
Also, another reason was emotional instability. When one of us got mad at another or we just didn't feel well, instead of explaining things calmly or giving normal signs we started arguing like a couple married for 20 years. The relationship wasn't bringing anything good at some point, only stress, because none could hold their emotions even a bit and made actions only according to them, not thinking and analysing. Now that I know all of that, it's much clearer that spilling all the emotions on another person can be horrible.
Oh, and the last thing, my anxiety often didn't let me take "no" normally or stay calm after arguments. Each time it felt like a fail, like they would think of me differently and it won't ever be changed. Yet, I see now: people don't give up that easily. Just sitting, being scared of it will be just avoiding it. The most important, as well as the best thing someone can do is listen, understand and remember the mistakes of themselves.
These are just some thought material so to say, thank you for reading.
🦋🙂‍↕️

[jovial ferry]

Heh, didn't say anything here for some time :3
For now I'm just being busy, getting free only in the evening when I'm already tired and not willing to say anything. Mostly everything is fine, except for my two friends who had beef with each other and now not talking. It was yet understandable, from both sides actually. But I sincerely hope everything will get better soon. Take care!! ^^

[devout swift]

I could say things more clear if you want to

[jovial ferry]

Yeah, I'd like to hear ^^

[devout swift]

dm rq

[jovial ferry]

👶*Made with love! Two minutes from father, 9 months from mother!*🥰

[devout swift]

ohloetetweas

whats the context of it

[jovial ferry]

Just a print on a t shirt that I saw xd

[tulip void]

A lot of people were asking, Monsieur Raisin, what magic pen do you use for you delightfully whimsical paintings... The answer might be intriguing, but it is very easy

You may assume I'm a low tier artist, but before you open your filthy mouth, here are my perfect artwork, if you say about amazon you're just a hater

[tulip void]

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[jovial ferry]

LMFAOOO

[tulip void]

While you f#ucking open your f#ucking presents on f#ucking Christmas, I will f#ucking play f#ucking minesweeper until my f#ucking fingers f#ucking bleed.
WE ARE NOT THE SAME.....

[jovial ferry]

What's wrong with the word fucking
I find it pretty nice and absolutely not shameful, therefore there is no need for any fucking censure🤵

[tulip void]

######## ### ### ##### ### # #####😡😡😡🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕✍️✍️✍️🖕🖕🖕

[jovial ferry]

Hey there, the day went okay! I've stayed home because I felt a bit sick, so nothing much happened. My ex texted me, asking if I could give some things left over my house and once again reminding me why exactly i broke up with her. The second happiest thing happened to me. The whole day I just stayed at my phone, doing basically nothing. Didn't get to meet cookie but we texted each other a bit more often than usual, which is pretty motivating ^^
Good night!

[tulip void]

Should I kirkenienly™ continue to report my days in ts journal

[jovial ferry]

If you want, it's your choice ^^

[tulip void]

Ight ight

I'll report today then but at evening

🚩

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[tulip void]

For once

A couple of minutes

I've been to heaven, place with no war, no thoughts, no fear.

I've been to a place that might represent my deep emotional state right now.

For once in this war, I've felt genuinely calm, not the usual fine, but, deeply calm, like nothing ever happened and this year was a dream.

When in fact, this year changed me, to a person I've never believed I've become a year ago

This was truly my year

Also

[tulip void]

Hello

Hello

Day was a miracle, not like any other of my days weren't, but today was my FRIEND'S BIRTHDAY

Apart of gifting him a rock, I also prepared a little video for him, which he liked a lot and it made us laugh for the whole park to hear

It was a little boring for a birthday, but hey, I just appreciate spending time with him

Speaking of appreciation, I woke up fresh and good today, only to realise my lights are back on

Me and Pops cooked a nice bunch of meatballs and macaroons, then I went to walk, and decided to listen to some music

Nice to go back for some irish tunes

But

All though this day was nice

One thing made this day - a miracle for me

When I first was at this field, it was foggy, gray sky and cold. I was thinking of my friend, constantly, we argued, just like this time.

That day, I saw a cross, I did not proceed farther to the main part of a field, only a little forest. Again, that cross made me believe that everything will be fine

Second time, it was a clear sky, bright warm day of winter. I had a feeling of regret, I've done bad things again, but this time, it wasn't balming everyone and being constantly drunk, it was genuine regret and remorse. But at the same time, it was calming, clear sky was soozing me, and the sun, all though blinding, cured me deeper into the forest. That day I explored the whole filed, and found an interesting little hill to climb, just to see the view of the sky.

Lastly, the third lucky day, was today, I felt no guilt, no fear, no anger. I was calm, happy to see the warm sun again, happy to encounter sunset, pure sunset surrounded by nature. It's a miracle how such a pessimistic mind, could've ever changed to this.

I appreciate everything what happened today, goodnight and rest well, because I surely will

🫂🌹

OH

Also

I finished an art for my other friend, so, technically I made 2 people happy today? I think I may have done more, but counting only what I have intentionally done, I count 2, the video and the art

Glad to be reason for someone to smile again

[tulip void]

Holy fuck I'm passing college on PRAYERS

So

Lemme explain

Today I needed the pass math exams, usual stuff, but I don't know math good, not at alll even. So? I got to college with no plan.

However, when I got to the college I noticed that I don't have my green book (in which grades are written) and so I decided to go up to the adm. room and asked if there was a any journal of my group particularly, they said they don't know and I went to our class main teacher asking 2 questions - is there an option to pass my exam with a journal, and closer inspection if our math teacher is a corrupt money grabber. In that case, i could easily get her shivering timbers and let me pass. She said i need to probably ask her, well, i did not. Not because I was scared to or anything but because she was out of place. Out of all desperation I decided to follow my group colleagues, who I so happen met at the corridor, of course I lost the track of them because of too much people, but I saw the guy named Dimenskey, he's a very shy guy and don't really speak much but I asked him if he knows where the journal is maybe somewhere in the administration room which she said he does not know but

unexpectedly he said that those green books that I needed that I thought I lost home I actually positioned in the adm. room, which I again didn't expect to hear from him but okay, I decided to go up to get my green book, got it and with a with a smile on my face I got to math classroom, which was still empty, but there were people gathering around.
A little later I entered the classroom, she said "are you here to pass exam", I said yes but actually I'm here to get my mark, is it all right? Then told her my name and I told her that I bought a ticket to the concert earlier ( she was selling then for exchange of grades). She got a little nervous, said no I weren't selling any of course! Ask the one who sold you those tickets!
I said no that was clearly you. The students who were in a classroom were a little confused and she saw that, so I decided to put a little weight on her, I said "yeah and you told us if we bought a ticket we pass!" She said no I didn't, but you are clearly getting a pass because I know you you passed the exam (or something ). I know I didn't ,but well, my plan worked and as I walked out, I put the evilest grin I ever could

Sorry i was recording this with voice to text feature

When it comes to dealing sith problems like this, I often walk dry out of water

Ha

Basically, I made her know, that there are people knowing she's taking illegal bribes - I'm one of those people

The story is a little messy since again, i used voice - text, but i hope you get it

[tulip void]

Might report early toda

🤞🤞🤞

[tulip void]

Hey

The day was, quite busy for a usual of my days

I woke up early, already feeling quite well, all though I slept a little less than usual, maybe that's why I catched some sad thoughts today.
As I said, I went to college to pass math exams, got home, chatted with my friend for a bit, and then headed to my mom's place to grab meat me and my dad left before, I took long enough.

Had a decent walk through

Ut

I had a dream of, well, something that came to me today

It's seeing your friends all in call again, understanding that they probably won't ever invite you again. Of course, I flushed the sadness away, there is no need to be sad about things you can't handle or control.

For the gpod part, I had eaten good today, though think I ate a bit more than I should've, so tomorrow's gonna be hungry day for me

I slept well, not enough tho, and finally finished the college shit

I'm feeling a little tired now, so I'm heading to sleep or whatever

Goodnight

Rest well

You know

My usual life changed

It was

Happy at night, dreams and rest, yet sad at day light

Now it's the opposite, quite literally

Day is full of joy and calmness, while my dreams and usually nightmares

Even today, dream was just about me losing my friends, everyone I mean, even Irritus

And yesterday it was about me seeing my younger self, crying and yelling of how much he hates me

All though I don't feel like it

Dreams are chasing something I can't xatch up

[tulip void]

OH ALSO

my mom bought me a sketchbook out so sudden

now i can draw whereever i wantt

[jovial ferry]

Hello. This post will be about my problems, so I'll be as honest as I can. At the moment it's a bit hard to hold everything, plus saying it out MIGHT help see something.
So, as I mentioned at some point, I didn't meet cookie for some days. Now, it hasn't been a long period of time, just a few days, but for some reasons that makes me worried again. Like, the same thing about losing interest, love etc. I do know that it's been a busy week and it's understandable not to talk for some time, yet I just can't get this feeling out of me. Woke up with such a strong feeling, as if when you are really scared or upset by something so you feel this "tickling" in your stomach, a little bit similar to nausea. It's weird to me because I do not see any problems, don't have negative thoughts as much as before, just a few time to time, but the feeling is still there. And yes, not thought, but feeling, almost like an emotion. Each time I worry like this, I feel like I am being selfish or just Weird, and each time I try to calm myself I feel like I'm naive.

[tulip void]

Feelings are a complicated sort of strings

Do you want to talk it out toghether???

[tulip void]

might report early today

[jovial ferry]

Ofc

[tulip void]

Dm me🫂

🌼

[tulip void]

Hello

My day was fine, nothing much to say really, I wanted to go on a walk, but got dragged into a long gaming session, haven't played for a week or more, and now i spent a while long time playing. My eyes are feeling dry, I think no games for tomorrow. Got a little sad about things I was usually sad in the past, though, instead of whining and getting thoughts about being left out and all, I'm reminding myself of how much my friends are doing to me, so thoughts of being "Left alone" - easily vanish right after I remember that I'm surrounded by people who are actually making me happy, a minor thought can't change my mind.

Apart from a chill day, my dream today was awful.
It was a dream about some "farm", handsome people were left for dessert, ugly people were first to go on slaughter. I was an inspector or something? I don't remember. What I do remember - is how this farm tormented people. Ugly people were killed quickly while handsome people were tortured and left alive for as long as it was possible. It was a nightmare so disturbing, I don't understand how my brain even though of this, I never imagined such tormenting on anyone.
For better sake I prayed this morning.

I'm going to sleep now

Goodnight, rest well

[tulip void]

Genuinely wonder what nightmare will haunt me today

[tulip void]

Hej

My das was alright, nothing much to add, nor that i want to

Goodnight, rest well

[jovial ferry]

Watching my diary slowly turn into a church is wild ngl👀

👀 🫡

[tulip void]

I got sick

Doesn't really interfere with my schedule but it's not pleasant at all

Night was awful, I haven't slept normally at all, it's nothing to whine about, I had nights way worse, thia sickness is no match for my strength

But my dreams

I don't remember in particular what I dreamt of today, but I'm sure it was something about people who I lnow

My friends and such

And I remember like it wasn't a nightmare, finally

[jovial ferry]

Get well soon!

[tulip void]

I don't know what happened to me

I was feeling awful, literally couldn't speak, i had bloody cough again at night and overall couldn't move at all

When my father saw this, he mumbled quietly "Damn it, I wish i could help"

And after that, my organism immediately started doing some crazy shit, so much so I feel eight times better

Also, i just realised i was sleep walking

[tulip void]

Good evening

My day was all good

I woke up at 4, with a sore throat that hurt like it was burnt from inside, I couldn't move due to my muscles hurt and also because of sport aftershock

Though, I still managed to boil some water and mixed it with regular cold water

Drew for some time, and then booted up my pc to make a video, that one I lost all the files for, yeah, I started over

While uploading the audio, I was dragged into my thoughts

It's, well, complicated

Main thought that I wrote down in Nova's journal, was that I saw my friends in a call again, and I remember how I would immediately think of every possibile worst scenario, not being in control of my thoughts

Now my mind is much clearer, I think before coming into conclusions

So those weird thoughts from the past immediately flushed, as I just noted to myself, from what I did, I don't deserve to be invited and that's okay, since, yl

But to my surprise I got invited, and yeah It was calming

We were playing Minecraft, honestly, it wasn't for the game itself, but rather to hear my friends again, to feel that comfort I used to get every call, despite all the overthinking it caused after

All though, I'll be honest, there were 2 things I kind of got confused or rather sad at

We were casually talking about stuff, and since I often like to compare other characters to my friends, myself and all that, I asked who would be who in the TADC world????

It was a difficult choice to make for each one tho fkskfkksd

But, I caught myself onto a conclusion, that I don't really want to participate myself, since I already know who I would be and it would be too selfish, so I intentionally skipped myself, idk if anyone noticed seems like no, I don't really care

And, well, there was a moment, a simple sentence my friend said, that made my anxiety of shame come back

It felt

Idk only example i remember is Homelander mirror scene

A terrible shame

So terrible, I did not want to talk, but forced myself to face the fears and hopefully try to forget about it

Now that I think it is, this day was weird

Constant thoughts, remembering what I used to be, what have I done, what a reckless fool I was

On the other hand, I'm glad I spent my time with friends today, it was surely calming and I'm grateful I have people like them

I'm grateful for that I feel a lot better with my sickness, I'm grateful for my amazing friends and for my father's battle with his addiction of cigarettes

Now

I do want to point something important that I noticed today

And trust me, it is important

I remember saying in mentioned before Nova's journal "To change yourself, change your lifestyle and surroundings"

And I asked myself, why am I not doing that?!

I will admit, I am a horribly lazy person, I'm surely not proud of it and for last 2 weeks I were doing something with that

But

I skipped the most important part

I want to learn new things, try myself and challenge myself to change for better

Yet my room is messy and I am not shaved?

Not acceptable

I've done some horrible stuff before, and I admit, I am a terrible person, but instead of just accepting it - I want to change, for best of my friends and family, but firstly for myself, looking at the mirror, not with hatred and regret of what you are, but grace and proudness of what you have become over time.

Goodnight and rest well

Tomorrow isn't going to be big day, but it sure is will be great

[tulip void]

Yeah pfft "goodnight"

Alr

Now it is

That's it I'm going to sleep

[tulip void]

Hej

Today was fine, nothing else to add

Goodnight night and rest well

[tulip void]

I'm surprised by myself

Couple of minutes ago, I thought I'll go back to my past

Like

I don't know

The thoughts came back, the fear anxiety and all

No, not friend sruff

The stuff that drove me insane each day

But I don't know how i got over wuth ut

I still feel uoset

But I don't get "thoughts " at least

I hope tomorrow will be fine

My dad is mad, but, i understand him

I honestly got used to him never listening and proving his point whenever, even if he's wrong

And he also quits smoking, so that's a huge nervous system overload

He said some things, I go a little ptsd from my childhood

But

That's okay

I'll try to cheer him up tomorrow, though I don't know if he will be mad or not

[tulip void]

Alright

I feel well now

The day was worse than I could except, but it got ruined all the way up to night

Not the day itself

I cleaned my room completely

Also look at this hellish keyboard

And now

It was still dirty at the moment, now it's cleaner that ever

Felt nice to see my table all clean again

Focusing on my plan for now

I hope it works out, for a person like me - anything could be a lesson

Also, I played with my friends today again, it was nice, however the old feeling of being felt out and ignored came back, again, i got rid of it

All though i did get ignored 4 times asking about one specific thing, though it's not too much

Chat was busy talking so

I did also talk with my other friend afterwards

And

Oh

Oh god he is just like me

In a bad way

I think

I'm so glad I met him, because I've been trough that

And I can help

We were talking so much time yet only know I realised he is just like me

But he's in a slight different situation

Noone left behind, I'll help him

I'm here to help and get others on their feet again, I've always been a supporter, yet something downed me for a long time

[tulip void]

Can't help but feel ashamed

I know why, it's just that I can't change it

Eventually I'll forget it all hut, for now it haunts me

[tulip void]

I thought I can get some sleep but now I'm drawing and listening to vocaloids

Tho I can't show my playlist because i have i friend who's into vocaloids and if he sees what I'm listening to he'll slime me out

[tulip void]

Hi

Today me and my friends went back to abandoned place

I'm really exhausted now

If short, we saw 4 men approaching the building, ran away, then came back after an hour

Saw someone's room, saw a homeless guy, he launched at us tryna talk with us

But we eventually threw a tv at him and ran away

It was awful, but at least it was a little fun

[tulip void]

I'll be honest, because even the happiest people can get sad

I've felt upset

For a recent time, 2 last days jn particular

And all though my dearest friends (Bless their souls), the plans I've doing, my dad quitting smoking

But

It still felt a little uneasy

You know?

It's that feeling when you're having a good night in a club, dancing and seeing a lot of people, drinking, having fun overall

Then, you look at the far dark corner, right where windows are and you see your friend, ex friend, the one you betrayed, left him to die

Hoping that eventually you'll never meet him again

As he watches you, in purr hatred

And now, your fun, is only an act of pretending, trying to leave the party, sooner the better

And once you do, you think about this person

But for me, that person, the thoughts and feelings, hatred and despondency, they follow me around

Back then, they could overtook me easily, no control at all

Now, of course, I can vanquish it, but, still

After all

When I get home

I think about people I hurt, people I failed

But, I'm not going to spill my feelings here haha

I'm all good

And if anything gets out of control, I'll handle this

[tulip void]

I had a talk with myself and realised a thing or two

Can't tell

Hope Irri comes soon

[tulip void]

You know

Those rare moments when I feel clear and happy

I want to say something important

While I still can

To anyone who reads thi message, my friends, my dearest friends, I'm infinitely glad that I have you all. You people changed me, carved me into a way I could never carve myself, each one of you gave me a lesson.
I'm sorry you met me as an uncompleted project of my parents, if I may say this. This year was the only year that felt truly better than all of my life BECAUSE of you all.
I'm grateful for that I met Sarti, each time I hurt you, made you uncomfortable and stressed, even the thing I did in the summer, the drama I rose, it was just a bug lesson for me, without it, I could've never realise what I truly am.
I'm glad for you Leo, because you were there even when I was behaving like an idiot, you still supported me, still were there to cheer me up and just like with Sarti, I always felt needed around you both, never I will be more grateful for you two, thank you Leo.

My apple pie, you know who I am referring to, out of all people who I recently talked to, after all what happened last few weeks and after what you saw of me, you are still one of few things that bring me joy and calmness. I never wanted you to see what I am, but thing is - I can't hide it from any of you forever, I'm glad we met. I'm glad one day you just got worried about a random person on internet and texted him. Thank you for being yourself with me, for just being yourself.

I love all of you, no matter what, every one of you is something that I could never be more grateful to have around, especially after I saw this world as I always should've seen

All though for one of you

One that seen everything

Irritus, I'm grateful for that you are here, we may not talk much lately, but I think of you more than you expect. You were with me no matter what, you seen everything, you heard everything and I'm sorry you did. I should've never let you see this, I'm sorry you had to listen to me and see what a disaster I was, I'm still am, honestly.
However, I'm still glad you were here, I told you many times, without you I would be dead. You carried me to this world, you were a friend that some people crave to have, yer, I never appreciated you, any of you

I'm sorry any of you happened to meet and see me as I was, surely it was awful. I do not ask for forgiveness or pity, I got what I deserved and you people are still dear friends to me. I'm grateful for all of you, even if I say something opposite in the future, I still am learning to control my anger and emotions overall.

Thank you

Everyone one of you

Even Fatal in some way

Because each one of you, gave me a lesson, small or big

I appreciate that I have everything I have now

And for once, I appreciate I am what I am

💜💙🩷💚🧡

Alright I'm going to sleep now

Goodnight and rest well

All though I wish I could say more to each one of you, I think it's best of if I tell you this in private or just keep it to myself

Keep some things in my mind

[tulip void]

I think I found someone important for me to achieve what I want

This is going to be a piece of cake, since we both support the same idea, both are outcast and both have a lot of free time to study

Haha my life is going to rise and shine even more now

[tulip void]

Hey my day was alright, i love my friends etc etc

For now, I think I won't update for some time

I have no energy

i'm tired

Not the sad tired

I just don't want to show people I exist

It's not that I feel upset or anytinhg

Just want to get some time alone

I can't speak anymore

Goodbight and rest well

[devout swift]

rest well raisin!

[tulip void]

Thank you much Sarti

[tulip void]

Turns out i'm not the only one huh

Okay, well, see you in couple of days, I think

[tulip void]

But, patience

Patience is a key

[tulip void]

We're just kids

Why is everything like

This

We are kids

Just kids

[jovial ferry]

🎶 I'm just a kid, and my life is a nightmare, I'm just a kid, and I know that it's not fair🎶

[tulip void]

This exact song was playing in my head all day long

That's why I said it

I just remembered

We are still kids

How come we think about stuff we shouldn't

[jovial ferry]

LOL NO WAY

[jovial ferry]

Hey there! This week has been fine so far, pretty busy with all the holidays. First days I've been kinda anxious about some stuff, but now all calm. It made me think: it's not that deep. The thoughts, the feelings can only ruin everything. If there are no signs that anything is wrong or signs aren't good to think anything - there's no reason to worry. I also feel a bit different. Like, no more worrying, no "chasing" or whatever the fuck happened. Just peace. Whatever is happening, whether it's not talking for some time, being busy etc, if she's ready to stay here until we get the chance to do something more, I'm ready as well. If it takes years to normally live with each other, then so it be. It's okay for now, and it will get even better with time, I believe so. Hope this mindset stays for long xd
That's pretty much all for now, good luck!

[tulip void]

I'm freezing to death probably

Don't worry, I'll be fine

[jovial ferry]

Damn, yeah same

[tulip void]

Me and my friends were tapped in an abandoned cellar

Then we found a door, a corridor first

I broke down the door with my leg force and we got to some kind of old bunker or a cellar????

Looked like a maze literally

We got out by pure luck

Also

[fading radish]

this is not appropiate

[tulip void]

Ah sorry

[fading radish]

Pls avoid sending stuff like that in the future

[tulip void]

Alright

[jovial ferry]

Hey there.
This day has been fine. I've been outside for some time, going to slavic market to get some stuff. Didn't get all that needed, so I had to go there again, but during the day I had to stay at home, so I went to another market in the evening. Now sitting with some snacks and a cider. By feelings, I feel a bit calmer these days, though sometimes I suddenly get hit by a "wave" of something depressive like "What will be after?" or "Why am I doing all this?", but I'm trying to shake them off as soon as I get them. It's probably related to social battery, because I catched myself on a thought this morning that I'm glad to be alive and see and learn new things day to day, and only in the evening the negative thoughts come. Though, I'd say it's much better now comparing to a month ago. Work pays off haha! I cenceirely hope this stays for long and won't fall apart, I'll try my best for that.
That's it, have a good rest of the evening and a good night! ^^

[tulip void]

Good night to you Irri!

[tulip void]

Hey

Life's been treating me like a slaughter bull huh

Usually I would talk about it here, but I don't think It's a right time

Nor that I really want to

I honestly cannot imagine what would I do if I was in a mental state same as I was in summer

But at least I have will to live, so who knows

Goodnight, rest well

At least I'm not drinking rn

That's something

[jovial ferry]

Hello!
The day was fine NGL, pretty boring mostly. Just tried Jägermeister, probably my new favourite alcohol drink though I am drunk as fuck right now. Will probably get it on my birthday. Good night, take care everyone!

[tulip void]

I feel calm

Not even the word "calmness" can represent what I am feeling

I understood something about myself, something that I wondered about for a long time

After all of what I said, did and saw, I never truly understood

That sometimes, I just need to let my guard down, for things that never truly can hurt me

I cannot tell you what I am feeling, but I hope everyone of you will feel the same

I'm forever happy and grateful for everyone and everything I have

And personally here, in this journal, I want to thank my friends for them being here

No matter how and why

Thank you

Forever thank you

🌻

[tulip void]

Oh also

Avatar 3 was absolutely amazing

There were some clishe moments and cringy moments but it was amazing

Holy

Zootopia 2 next😼😼😼😼

I'm about to see the goat of my best frien

[tulip void]

Hey there

My day was alright, woke up late in the day, becuase I was at my mum's nothing to do honestly, mood is awesome and the bed is comfy, awesome

got home, while walking home seen a beautiful sky, though couldn't take a photo sadly

Got home and went gaming, an hour later my friend texted me so we went to play together it was awesome, then some other people joined and before I would get the thoughts I scrambled without anyone noticing, ate smth and stretched, lazy stuff and went back to grinding the event ingame

Then again, same friend joined me, then another and another, and so we went to zootpia horror ( Don't mind it), It was pretty fine, made my day haha

All though I was feeling quite tired, someone (can't tell who) kept me alive in those calls

AGain, I'm glad I have those friends that I have now

overall though my day was lazy as fuck I gotta lock in

aww thank you Sart

Cat gif with him smirking at camera

since i can't send links

🌹

[tulip void]

Ah yeah also, kinda regret that, but I ate lot of sweets today

I'm working on my eating disorder, but sometimes this happens sadly

eh

okay goodnight and rest well

[tulip void]

Day is promising

Lots of shit to deal with

Wnf I'm not even gonna be near my home

[jovial ferry]

Hello.
Yesterday was a quite interesting day. I've met a good friend of mine, we went to get some stuff done and then went to meet another friend of mine. Fourth person joined afterwards, and we went to post, then to buy some stuff and then to hang out. I wasn't vibing with them, it was a completely different atmosphere, besides they were drunk so I was just sitting somewhere else, not with them. As turned out one of the friends (the one I brought to our friend group) wasn't a nice person. In fact, she asked my good friend if he is a f@g after 20 minutes since they met. And the hangout was very interesting itself. No one really liked her because of what she was saying and asking, so I doubt the four of us will hang out again. Today is also okay, though I am asking cookie for some stuff and sincerely hope it will turn out fine. All for now, take care!

[tulip void]

Hey

No

I honestly don't know what to say

How do I even start or what do I say

Goodnight rest well

[jovial ferry]

So, as I understand, Christians scream like little children whenever something related to satan is mentioned or something looks like a pentagram and call it promoting the devil, yet they are the one's walking around with "newspapers" and making meetings and speeches🙂‍↕️

[devout swift]

It's all because they're used to hating anything related to satan or hell, even if it's a harmless mention

[jovial ferry]

Fair enough xd

[tulip void]

Hey

Happy new year

I wish i could say something, though seems like i wouldn't even be here for long time

I really don't want to tell it here

Goodnight

[jovial ferry]

To everyone who's reading this, happy new year!!!
I hope our dreams come to life in the new year, as well as I wish everyone strong health and much much happiness!🎊🍾

[jovial ferry]

I am never drinking like last night again. Having a hangover and honestly don't think I will drink Jägermeister ever again

[tulip void]

Hej

My overall day was decent

Nothing much to say and I don't want to say anything

Goodnight etc etc

[tulip void]

My friend got interested in my project

Mood saved haha

[jovial ferry]

Got some snow today, looks pretty : D

[devout swift]

omaga it’s so atmospheric

i love

[jovial ferry]

Life update!
Everything's going fine by now! Mood is just normal, less energy because of the weather, yet feeling surprisingly okay. It's also going very well with cookie so far. 2 months together and it's wonderful, especially comparing to my previous relationship. Funny to remember how much it depended on emotions back then, and how calm everything is now. Gotta go to school in two days, not very excited about it but it's okay. Also I'll have like 4 appointments in January, which includes taking out upper wisdom teeth and getting new plate in my mouth. Will be a hard month indeed😩
Except for all of that there's nothing more to say, thanks for reading!

[tulip void]

Hey

goodnight

[jovial ferry]

Some edited photos I'd like to share. Does taking pictures and editing them count as a hobby? xP

[tulip void]

Hey

I'm fine for now, I was physically ill for past few days and all that mixed with some worrying got me good

Today was all fine, I talked to my friend and another person I can't name for very long, eventually getting myself out of some nasty thoughts

For most part I'm ok, though feeling a little stressed recently, some things are keeping me

I'm about to sleep, I'm on pills again, because of stress but it's all fine, I won't really sleep good today cuz I'm worried about something important

Or rather someone

Goodnight, rest well

I'll update tomorrow, if I'll be able to or if I don't forget

I also found a person's journal who I found very odd

Weird

Similar to my problem but way too worse

I'm observing this kournal for now

Ok goodnight

[tulip void]

Holy my today was fine

Going back to your old friend group is sometimes a thing that'll get you smiling again

[jovial ferry]

Edited picture that cookie took yesterday on vrchat. Somehow this looks very atmospheric 🤤

[tulip void]

Hey

My day was alright, I went to grandma at the morning, got myself drawing a little

Took a long walk with in the evening, it was foggy as hell really, tho it was nice

I even got a photo from top floor

Got some thoughts

Oh I also played Minecraft with my friends, or well, friend, which made me smile haha

Good, rest well

[jovial ferry]

Greetings!
It's been quite a hard day for me. Got to take out my upper wisdom teeth... And successfully fainted again xd
Because of all the stuff I have to do I kind of got some depressing thoughts again and was in a bad mood for ⅓ of the whole day. But after all, everything got better. Thank you, cookie.
Good night now!

[tulip void]

Genuinely an awful day

I'm still out on the streets so

Not a goodnight as it seems

[tulip void]

This was the most terrible night in my life

[tulip void]

Hi hello, I'm all good, nothing much to say

[tulip void]

Goodnight, rest well

[tulip void]

I deadass got zootopia hyperfixation

[tulip void]

PLEASE make something for free for ONCEEEE

[tulip void]

Million hours of oc lore
Zero chance to spill it out

I need to get popular so I can rant abt my oc lore because people would care js because I'm cool drawin

[jovial ferry]

Oh hell yeah

Rent to me by the way, I'm interested!

[tulip void]

I can'tttt i need to sleep tho

Thanks thoug...❣️

Tomorrow

Await

[jovial ferry]

I will be waiting ^^

[tulip void]

🫂

[jovial ferry]

Welp, there has been quite a few things going on recently. Mental health has been a bit better, though some weird moments still happen. Not as much going on physically, besides the operations on wisdom teeth and stuff. Though, the major thing is that I'm trying to find myself. I've been noticing more and more that I am more into feminine stuff, besides I tried to talk with a higher voice with my bestie and cookie today, and it felt much better than my normal one, which I find quite interesting. I don't make any decisions yet, but it's interesting to notice. Gonna see where it all takes me xd
Nothing more, so take care!

[tulip void]

@jovial ferry Okay and for the cherry on top i will say my inspirations here so sarti can see too

My inspiration for Oscar are zootopia (obviously, I love nick❣️❣️❣️), Payday, GTA series, Scarface (movie 🎥🍿), pulp Fiction, all quiet at the western front and a lot of british culture

I'll add harvey too because he has a lot too

For Harvey my inspirations were L4D2 (overall vide i think), The return of the pumpkin rabbit ( you must remember too), Manchester by the seaside, The Fire Within by Louis Malle, and The shinning

Probably vivarium too, but that's too weird foskfd

Okay I'm out

Goodnight and rest well yalkk

[tulip void]

https://tenor.com/view/prsk-pjsekai-project-sekai-emu-otori-nene-kusanagi-gif-4750923089808594121

[tulip void]

This app doesn't help gng 😭

[jovial ferry]

What's that?

[tulip void]

I wanna get away🏃

[jovial ferry]

A, fair enough xd

[tulip void]

I actually did have a dream

Yesterday

Yesterday night

It was about a friend group of my online friends sharing a household with each other and I was libing there too

Then one of my friends pulled me to a room with a round little table

I don't remember what we were talking about, or rather what she talked about, but she sounded way more mature than I am, as if an adult was lecturing me, she said something about "If you discuss your politic opinions - I assume you understand what you say" I surely remember she said that

I remember she meant how useless I was in this house, how immature I am, how I cause trouble and that the only reason why the keep me in this house is because of pity

When I woke up I remember she is two years younger than me, we live in different cities and I'm not in that house anymore

[tulip void]

I tried to sketch for a little only to remind myself I can't draw shit

Another thing to ruin this day

Nice

[tulip void]

@jovial ferry I'm having those thoughts, I must admit, I can't handle it

It's just like in 2022

Please, if you can, can we please talk

[jovial ferry]

Like on call?

[tulip void]

No no

Just text

[jovial ferry]

Yeah, let's go to dms

[tulip void]

Thank you muchh

[jovial ferry]

TRIGGER WARMING: ||SELF H@RM||
||This is quite weird to think about. Yesterday's evening as I was sitting doing nothing, my mood kind of shifted towards worse. And I started remembering what happened in the summer. And it kind of became an argument. One side of me says that nothing happened, that I should do any harm and it's just something I have to avoid. But the other side however tells me that, well, it won't do any bad. That these are just the emotions I'm letting out and that it will get better if I do it. I may look a crazy, but it is what it is. Also when I remembered my occasional will do to it I realised that part of it was subconsciously for attention.
I'm posting this to save this moment for myself and maybe do something according to this later. Take care.||

[jovial ferry]

Today was a day for sure. I got braces. My jaws are hurting and it's still not all that I have to get in my mouth. I've spent 3 whole hours at the dentist to get this shit done, and yet they gave me two more appointments to get the rest of the things done. I just want to stop this already, these dentists have been fucking with my teeth for more than a year already and there's still at least two more years needed. Absolute nightmare

[tulip void]

Braces are an awful experience, You know for sure my word is true here

But, at least after all of that bullshit your teeth will be better than ever

If you take care of them, of course

[tulip void]

Days been dead silent recently, I don't know if it's for bad or not

I'll be honest, I felt ill today, half of the day

Felt like I'm supposed to die today

I suppose it is because I haven't slept much for about 3 days

4 hours in total in particular

In total of 3 days

I spoke to a soldier today, my first normal talk in a week, geez

Both of us were twitching, both telling each other what they saw

[tulip void]

I can't slep again

[jovial ferry]

Yeah, with the amount of shit happening to you @tulip void I am proud of you for still being here

[tulip void]

Not much really, I'm mostly fine if not counting the sleepin problem

Thank you much Irri🫂🌹

[devout swift]

^^^^

[jovial ferry]

What's up?

[devout swift]

i mean "agree" yeah

[devout swift]

noticing👀

[jovial ferry]

TRIGGER WARNING: Injuries
Hey there ^^
Everything's been casual recently. Some complications because of the stuff in my mouth which is kinda pissing me off, but mostly nothing much is up. As usual periodical bad mood, like yesterday when everything felt hopeless, kind of gave me some thoughts about ending everything, but it's nothing much. It's quite annoying, but at least I don't get those as much as before. Sometimes everything feels like it's standing in one place without changes, which is pretty much normal, but alarming sometimes.
The other alarming thing is that whenever I look at my scars it gives me a slight desire to do more. I wonder what could be the reason for these desires, but I can't tell certainly. It's not getting too intrusive yet and I don't know if it even can, but we'll see. Honestly after everything I don't even see this as a big deal. I remember crashing out when one person that was close to me did it, but now it's just not a big deal anymore. I remember literally getting annoyed when people worried about that, because "well it's not like I will d@e from it". It's quite weird to remember it now, and who knows why it even happened.
And the last thing, I don't even have as much planned or as many reasons to move on. My reasons to move on are people around me, cookie for example. I guess that if close to me people will be gone, there won't be anything to hang on. No targets, no dreams. It's also a weird thing for me not gonna lie, and I always wonder if it's something bad or is it just how I am.
This post got quite long, kind of got in the stream of thoughts. Whoever read all of this nightmare, thank you a lot. Take care!!

[jovial ferry]

Lmao stalker

😛

[tulip void]

Irri, I'll text you later

🫂

[jovial ferry]

Yup, waiting for u!

[tulip void]

unplug my shi gang

[jovial ferry]

TRIGGER WARNING: ||Injuries||
It kind of came back. You can guess by the title what I am talking about. I had a manic mood. It was very weird, like I wasn't feeling bad, even had some songs playing in my had, feeling a bit energetic and stuff. And then there's a sudden desire to do something to myself. It wasn't concerning me at all, just blank. As if it's something usual, something that doesn't matter. And the scary thing? Nothing changed. I've had fine mood before that, so it was afterwards. It reminded me of people describing being h1gh, everything felt funny. I honestly don't care that much that it happened, just weird how funny and senseless everything looked.
From other stuff, last days I am having rather negative mood. In public or with others I can be funny and stuff, but when alone nothing really interests, nor is funny.
Honestly I feel kinda bad for sharing this here since some people might get worried, but I guess it's quite a big of a deal. Although, will I do something about it? Most likely not.
Thanks for reading, have a good one.

[jovial ferry]

Dark joke:
||Reverse exorcism - when the devil tells the priest to get out of the child||

[tulip void]

👁️👁️

[tulip void]

From all books I read, I never got so interested in one, surely, there are a lot of amazing books I read, even some I don't remember that I did. But this one, may be obvious and even called "popular", but this exact book got me so interested like I never was before

For those who interested, it's Monte-Criston kreivi. I heard of it once in a while, and suddenly noticed it on my mum's bookshelf, curiosity took over me, and as it seems - for good.

I'm a sucker for any sea, pirate or history related thigs, this is a perfect book for me

Not to waste time, I'm going to sleep, goodnight and rest well.

[tulip void]

😮

[tulip void]

Holy

I just got upset becuase I coulnd't figure out some thing in the game, I wanted to rant here how stupid I am, only fo me to almost spilling my whole life here 34h9tret8

I do not know what triggered that

Only to say I'm sad because this game situation once again reminded me that I'm slow, feeling of being unavalible to think just the way normal people do just brings me to the conclusion that my brain should be on the wallm not in my head

Sure thing i'm joking, it's not really about the game, it's about my personal thing i think

Perhaps it's the built up pressure that I can't nor wan to release, I feel like saing so much stuff, yet I am only allowed to say some

There is nothing about the day tho, it was decent

Not counting this little crash out, of course

I really don't know

goodnight

[jovial ferry]

Apparently weed is less dangerous than alcohol🤔😈

[jovial ferry]

Well, the vacation is going casual so far. I meet friends, also go to different markets and appointments, nothing much is going on. I've been drinking today, and honestly I don't know how I feel about it. It was with a friend of mine, and at first it was okay, just fun and stuff. But as I drank more, I felt bad. I was really upset that I was alive and felt miserable, as if all the possible happiness was gone. Thanks to cookie I feel much better now. I don't know what it was, but it definitely wasn't good. From other stuff I've been kind of isolating recently, a two days I've hung out with two different friends of mine, but I don't know if I feel good or bad about it. I feel like recently only hanging out with cookie brings comfort and happiness, it might sound rude but at least it's honest. Thank you, cookie, for everything. Well, except for this all I've been making some progress in socializing, much better communication, though it really depends on my mood. For a long time I thought I was an introvert, but now looking back to everything I feel like I'm an ambivert. Also all the hangouts with other friends, they just feel weird. As if I don't vibe with them at all. Mostly hanging out with cookie, my "bestie" and some online friends feels the most right, while irl friends just don't fully comfort me. One is really energetic, other one just not the same atmosphere as me. It's so weird to think about it, but well, in my state I'm not that capable of thinking xd
Won't say anything else before i say too much. Have a good evening.

[jovial ferry]

Here will be more about love, but I just wanna say it. Idk how, it I've gotten even more drunk now. And the only thing I can think of is cookie. I wish we were in the same country so we could finally meet. I miss a lot of things that we could do irl, but sit doesn't deny the fact that I'm grateful for what we do digitally. Each time she still chooses to come when she doesn't feel social, each time we spend together not depending on anything is a sun ray in the middle of the gray sky. I honestly don't know what I'm saying right now, probably just whatever gets to my mind, but I'm ready to go thro whatever it takes to meet her, as well as spend as much time together as we can.

[jovial ferry]

Last evening was something. I drank quite a lot and once again it wasn't good. Everything was fun up to a certain point, but then it only went worse. At first being that drunk just isn't good, not for me, nor for people around me. And second, I feel guilty for everything. I've been hanging out with cookie last evening and I don't know how she really feels about it all. The fact that I couldn't shut up and talked about just anything random that came to my mind is concerning, cuz I have no idea what did I say except for a few things about love. And after everything as I fell asleep, I only slept for about 2 hours and woke up, and I was almost panicking. I was scared that it was too much, that I upset cookie somehow or that it just won't get better, like I'll stay in that state for long. Gladly it's already passed, but the guilt is still there. Even cookie said she'd prefer me not drinking that much. Not that I want to, honestly. It's ironic how I've tried to avoid some thoughts or feelings, and in the end only gotten worse.

[jovial ferry]

The final day of vacation is gone, and honestly, despite all the boredom and loneliness, I don't really wanna come back to school. Learning is fun, but meeting the other students sucks.
Besides, I also have some anxieties again. I'm trying not to look into the far future and to stay in the moment, yet from time to time some thoughts visit me anyways. "Will we make it through?" "Will we stay?" "Will it get better?" Etc. And it's upsetting, the fact that I can't just calm down and give my best to make progress and keep it up. More to that, the constant feeling that people are gonna leave at some point, no matter whom I'm thinking about.
...It wasn't hard to realize, love's the death of peace of mind...

This all is mostly just to let some thoughts out to feel better, which slightly helped

[jovial ferry]

The day started roughly. Here in Berlin many classes have two class teachers to have better control of the class and related stuff. Yesterday one of my class teachers was gone. She was a young and energetic woman, and even though lessons with her felt quite strict, in person she was wonderful. We always had the ability to talk to her about different stuff and she was excited to answer. Besides she was a kind woman, I remember the school trip from last year, where basically I talked only to her and the other teacher instead of my classmates. It was very nice having her as our class teacher. Rest in peace, Mrs. Yagode.

It's scary to think that anyone can be gone like this. Young or old, energetic or calm, crazy or calm, at the most unexpected moment.

[jovial ferry]

Just a casual day after all, not that much happened. Because of the whole situation with my class teacher we didn't have proper lessons, so the school went kinda boring, but i went to a Slavic market afterwards, which was quite a nice thing to do. The evening went fine, I had to take my brother to sleep but it wasn't problematic at all. I also spend more and more time in vrchat, kind of feeling better there even, both socially and about myself. Not gonna lie I don't really get my mood. It changed from good to bad a few times a day, and usually stays like that for a couple of hours, no matter what is happening around. Only one thing can actually change it from bad to good, and it's hanging out with cookie. I can get temporarily better when I hangout with other friends of mine, but only with her it can change for the better and stay like that for a relatively long time. I'm very curious why so and how bad it could be.

[jovial ferry]

A small update here, from now I will be sharing this diary with my good friend Silly. He will post here whenever he feels like it.

[jovial ferry]

Tomorrow is the valentine's day, but today is Friday 13th. We have to survive the night first...

[jovial ferry]

Yeah, 6 hours on vr in a row is something. For a moment forgot what reality is xd

[jovial ferry]

For some reason the days feel heavy recently. More often I feel kind of "blank", low energy, isolating. I don't have ideas why I feel this way, therefore can't fix it for now. Also, I noticed there's nothing I can focus on right now. I am so concentrated on the relationship stuff so much because there's nothing else for me to concentrate on. School isn't hard, I am more than sure I'll make it. Hobbies are just going whenever I feel like it, no real targets or things to reach, no dreams I could work and make progress for, just blank. I don't even feel sad or upset, just nothing. It's weird.

[tulip void]

Hi Irri, sorry I wasn't active for so long, haven't texted I know, sorry everyone I've been out of this journal for a while. I love you guys, love you friends and love you Irri, it's just that I've had some struggle recently. I'm here to vent a little, since I have no desire to poke people around with my problems. I've grown tired from my life already in December, only for it to get worse, and then quiet but repeatable. I'm still am fucked, now it is "I'm a loser and life going past me" instead of "I'm tired of smoking it out" as it was usually. All though I stopped smoking and drinking, (not as if I was used to it) I still have some desires so start all over. It usualy comes to the point I eat my stigless up, I've gain some weight recently. Sometimes I choke myself, but It's only the rare cases, so that's fine. I'm living happily, tho sometimes all of my calmness and joy fades out to hysteria and rage combusting, last time I hurt my knuckle because of it.
In case you ask, I'm all good, I really don't have anything to brag about, simply because I don't get myself into the sad stuff, but if I do - it passes away quickly with music and tiktok reposts of hopecore dkskcksm

Okay that's it GOODNIGHT 😪😪

[tulip void]

Hej, everything is fine, apart from kind of a mind overload, I'm sure it'll pass, but for now I just gotta rest

Goodnight rest well ❤️‍🩹🌌

[jovial ferry]

It's been 3 days since I didn't meet cookie nor talked to her. 3 long days, which sounds like just a little, but I am already exhausted of waiting, of pretending that it's all good. For a couple of weeks I felt like she's getting further away, like there is no love in-between us. Like she would rather stay friends than partners and just forcing herself to stay together as a couple because otherwise I will leave. And now I'm only getting more and mor sure in it, I feel like breakup is not so far away, and what I hate the most? The fucking silence. The fact that we don't talk at all is the biggest problem. There's nothing good left in here, you can say I'm just counting days until we break up at this point.

[jovial ferry]

We have gotten to talk, after all. The whole situation wasn't what I thought it was. We aren't going to leave each other, just got some new stuff to care about. This only shows how important communication is, without calm talking and listening to each other no partnership is possible.

[jovial ferry]

This was a day for sure. We settled things with cookie and came back to normal, had some fun with friends in R.E.P.O, guess we played it for like 3 hours and it was really fun. I've also had a friend over today, who I know for quite a long time, and the shocking thing was that after all, in the evening he texted me and told me that he is into me, as well as he was into me for over a year. I was truly shocked, and sadly I had to say no. He's been trying to convince me to break up and be together with him, but happily I don't get affected by such manipulations. Sorry for him a lot, and high chance this friendship will come to an end very soon.

[tulip void]

Hey, I just want to want about the day, because it was awful. First of all, I got insulted dumped on the bus on the way to the college, had some struggle at the place, failed my important test or some shit, had NO money at all to even eat something, got home sleepy and tired, wanted to make a joke video but ended up almost ruining my project and deleting half of my pc by not even my fault.

Like, seriously, days like this just makes you feel so miserable, as if I didn't struggled through the whole week already

To the good news at least I had lights all day, and had some decent dinner

That's it for today bye

[tulip void]

Hi hej, really hard to keep an eye on the journal since I don't have much time at all, i'm all good, day was nice yet exhausting. I've finally started woking on a project I thought I would never get my hands on soon, yet I still feel this weight on my shoulders, at least there are one less weight off me. I'm feeling a little more like I fit in my friend group and in college group in general.

Well, I do also have a scence that something not well is going to happen soon, I may even know what, or who, so i'll spend some time preparing for the lovesick stirke.

goodnight and sleep well

[jovial ferry]

Oh no, take care there Raisin! You did a lot, and I know you can keep on! Proud of you ^^

[jovial ferry]

And congrats on those!

Also :3

[tulip void]

Hey, day was great, think I already said I got my wisdom tooth removed. Next one gon be in june, day was generally great, sunny, birds singing and no college simce I had to drink dome antibiotics

My jaw feels a lil tired tho, I can feel the the little strings ij my mouth, kind of annoying

But eh, it's fine

Sorry, I can't really say more cuz I'll be honest, I am not real sober rn, so I'll head to sleep

Goodnight aaand rest well

❤️‍🩹🫂

[jovial ferry]

Damn relatable

[jovial ferry]

Good job going through it all, you did it well ^^

[jovial ferry]

It's been a lot recently. I've been more busy than usual, helping family and hanging out with different friends of mine. QA

[jovial ferry]

Blyat started without finishing what I wanted to say xd
Eh, Don't remember it anymore

[jovial ferry]

Welp, it truly been a while since the last post. For now I'm having a school vacation, and it's going kinda monotone. Mostly I spend my time in my room, playing Vrchat, watching something in social media or listening to music. My mental health is more less okay. Sometimes I get these depressive thoughts about life like it's only one, like it's not worth anything etc. but it's occasional. I've been out of social life, only people I'm seeing is Cookie(my love) and one friend group from Vrchat, no one else. I can't really focus on anything ATM, and there's honestly not so much going on to focus on anything, the only thing I could focus on Is my future, and most of the scenarios is something with cookie. As if anything else didn't matter, just us two. Life's becoming more depressive with time, but I feel like I'm just accepting it, like it's not a big deal, it is like that. It's not a guess, it's the truth.
However, it's all I can say now, so yeah, have a good time anyone who read this!

[jovial ferry]

TRIGGER WARNING: dr@gs
Well, this has been truly a while. Mostly no energy to say anything, or just can't collect my thoughts together. A lot happened recently, and at the same time not as much. I was in an alcohol streak for almost a week a couple of times, even got to vodka at some point. Been caught vaping and forcefully stopped doing it, so having some emotional problems because of it. Also I am slowly changing my mindset. I don't try to hope, don't believe in anyone. Just exist, trying to make relatively small targets, mostly like "survive until x.x.x day". Emotions are very weird recently, lots of swings. Also anxiety kicks in relatively often, though i don't talk about it as much. And honestly, I have so many thoughts at once that I can't remember why I'm overthinking or why I'm sad. Also, I got to try weed. Got too much at the first time and blacked out, after which my heart rate stayed high for an hour or so and I could literally talk to walls. Of course people in my apartment found out about it and I got problems. A lot of them. But after a few days it settled, we made some agreements and now everything's fine. Though, I wouldn't say so about my mental state. Cookie says I look way more stressed out recently and have mood swings, but I can't understand what I get those from. It's weird feeling bad and not knowing why. Also, I keep thinking about some kind of "escape", different types of coping, like smoking, drinking, gaming or using substances. I don't wanna become a junkie and wanna have a stable life with my loved one, yet it's so stressful and confusing that I stand between two thoughts: keep the fight or give up. Now, it's just thoughts, whatever I think I have no choice but to keep going, and so I do. It's just hard, but what else can I do?