Self Healing Journal KitKat :3 | The Therapy Center | Page 2

hardy flax Sep 23, 2025, 10:24 PM

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turns out that

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when I talked to him again

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it seems like he was still the same little boy

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yet kinda different

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and my feelings started to develop

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My feelings grew

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the more me and him talked

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I couldnt help it but just..

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feel a strong emotion towards him

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Even tho I didnt wanted it to grow but I guess thats how you know when you start to fall in love by who they are

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and eventually you start to love the person more and more

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I knew that even after so long

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Esteban had to at least have some nice side of him

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he wasnt all that mean person like my dad said

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I love Him like no other

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he waited for me for 3 years

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hoping that I was ok

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praying for me

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I think his prayers worked

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I want to pray for him

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even if it takes years

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I'll pray for him everyday

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I love him like no other

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I prayed to god that its him

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I choose him

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I know theres many other fish in the sea

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but there is no fish like the fish I fell in love

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..

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I asked go

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god

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to help me forget about him for some time

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help me forget about him, not forever

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just help me forget about the memories, about him, how he's doing. Since thats whats holding me back from moving on

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like now, Im remembering when he sang to me "Blue" and gosh I swear he has a voice that I just want to listen to it again

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He doesnt know how much hearing him sing meant to me

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I knew how much I enjoyed listening to his voice

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especially sing

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no words can express how much I love hearing it

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that I even wished that i could record it

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so I can listen to it everyday

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im crying right now...

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I never ever

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want to permanently forget how his voice sounds like when he sings that song

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I just want it to be Temporary

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so please God, help me forget it

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help me forget all the things we did together

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until Im back on my feet and moved on and Im happy again

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so please help me forget it

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PLEASE

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Im tired of crying

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my throat hurting

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headaches

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feeling hurt

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inside

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It feels so stupid of him to just be like that in like..

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giving up or somehat

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somewhat

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not entirely but he is thinking about it

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ITS SO STUPID

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he promised me gosh

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he loved me

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he adored me

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he showed me with love

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he took care of me like I was his baby girl

hardy flax Sep 24, 2025, 8:12 PM

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Why give up?

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quiter?

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I mean he doesnt mind leaving what we had since he is good with my parents like...

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since he apologized to my parents its like.. he's ok now

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anyways

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I went to work yesterday

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I cried a bit

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everytime I go to work its like I think about it more

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or not more

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its just

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whenever Im alone

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and no one can hear me

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I tend to talk to myself

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use my real voice

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and whenever I do

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whenever no one can hear me

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I say

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"Please.. dont leave me.. you promised me.. I love you so so much, was ur feelings for me temporary? I really wanted to be with you. Even if you are processing in becoming independent and ur thinking like an adult for once, that doesnt mean that we shouldnt be together, simply because ur growing up. Please. When I dated Joshua when I was younger (before I dated Esteban) like 11 lol. I was never really into him a lot, it was ok talking to him, I just wanted to know what it was like to be in a relationship. I mean there wasnt rlly much that I liked about him tbh, he wasnt rlly great, but idk, the last day of school I told him that I'd be homeschooled, and I said that I'd wait for him lol, altho I wasnt so desperate, I did get caught talking to him, but I was ok, I can wait, once I got my phone back, uh.. I saw his mss, it said that he's dating someone else (Haide, that girl is kinda selfish and think she knows it all but ok). I did broke into tears and I did hated him lol, and then a year went by, I found him on TIKTOK, and I sent him a mss, and we talked.. for like 3 minutes until I told him something mean and then I blocked him. I know Joshua got mad when I did that. I mean he is a jerk for messing with my friend Brianna. Anyways, I think I waited for Joshia for like 3 months. Until he said that he was dating someone else. I think that I was ok waiting, but knowing how he isnt interest and besides, I guess I dont reallyyy love him as lot? nah, it was just a kids silly feelings lol. I can NOT call that love, it was just me liking someone. but I think like... with Esteban, Esteban ofc is different, we grew, and grew, I think that those feelings are just some "kids" or "childish" feelings. I think that.. uh.. those feelings grew in me, like a seed, and even those lets say... the plant isnt there, or flower (representing as feelings), the roots are there tho. And the roots are deep inside of me"

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"If you asked me if I'd get back with Joshua, my answer is no, if u ask like... what if you didnt had feelings for Esteban, would u get back with Joshua? the answer is still a no. Even if Joshua likes me back or 'waited' for my return, its still a no, and he needs to stop waiting. Friends between me and him? No. We can be in good terms, yes, but I have no interest in talking to him but like still have him in touch. He has his like I have mine. But with Esteban, I knew Esteban since I was like 12, I caught feelings for him, yes, throughout time yes, to me its getting to know that person. The more I got to know Esteban, the more I liked him. Even after 3 years, no one could make me have feelings for someone, that fast, and make it possible to grow. My point is, I can wait for him. No I wont say mean things to him like I did it to Joshua, Esteban is an amazing person, if anyone says crap about Esteban then I'll punch them lol, they'll meet my fist. But yeah, Esteban is special, and he's different. I wish I never did what I did that caused the break up and Im still sorry for it"

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thats literally what was on my head tbh

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That I'd feel butterflies constantly. Esteban charm, humor, cute vibe, got me head over heels lol. And yes, what can I say? What love does to a women huh? I can wait for him. I love him and every single day, whenever i think about him, or pray to god and talk about him, I always say I love him. When I thnk about him and how much I wish he could love me again, I always say.. 'I love you I love you so so much' Everyday I never stopped saying that. Perhaps someday, I dont need to say everyday tbh, just as long as you are in my heart, these feelings remain. and they arent going to go away, knowing how much he means to me ❤️

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Im getting kinda better tbh

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not 100%

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but its like..

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15%

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betterish

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I wish I knew what Esteban feels about this

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like everything

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I kinda wish

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he regrets the break up

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tbh

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yeah I have like this little mini evil me

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who says that she hopes that he regrets it so much and crys about it and starts to miss me a lot

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but no

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he has gone through a lot

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I kinda hope that he can see me

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just someone who

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he wants to have

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despite what path we're going

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what the future can happen

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despite all that

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I hope we can try

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Please god

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I want us to be reunited

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please

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and never send me another guy

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even if that means that I have to be lonely forever and no husband

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Esteban is never someone who I can replace

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or forget

hardy flax Sep 24, 2025, 9:31 PM

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Im trying to make myself happy

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trying to... make my inner child happy

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by watching my childhood videos

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and drawing

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and remembering what my dream was of doing when I was a kid

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so..

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I drew this

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Screen_Shot_2025-09-24_at_2.25.39_PM.png

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tbh I dont feel happy but

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its kinda boring drawing a sad girl yk?

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so yeah, thats my new oc

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It took me 2hrs and a half

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I hope its good

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I kinda wish to show it to Esteban

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idk if he'd care

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maybe he would

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but would it upset me that he would..

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?

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hmm

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let me think how it'll play out..

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I show him a drawing..

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he says "oooo it looks good :)"

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..

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then a big.. giant.. part of me wants to say "I want to draw us again"

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..

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idk if he'd care now..

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maybe its best that I dont show it to him..

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and because if I get an approval from him

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then my purpose of drawing might feel like Im drawing it because he likes it yk?

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so I want to draw because I like it

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mainly because I enjoy draing

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so

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perhaps

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another day

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I'll show it to him

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I love you Esteban

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I hope someday we can be together again

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I love you 🙂 ❤️

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like you still dont have any idea

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haha..

hardy flax Sep 25, 2025, 5:12 AM

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My friend gave me a letter gift

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she doesnt know what things am I going through

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but she sent me a letter telling me how everyone loves me and they like to see me smile

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she said that I should never forget those who care about me

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and that I am a special and important person

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🙂

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thats nice

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It makes me feel good

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I feel bad how my friends has been seeing me sad since the break up

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but Its good to know that they care and worry for me

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also, he texted me yesterday but I couldnt respond to him since I put him on mute so I can try to move on yk?

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also because I was at work

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but he just said he is worried about me and doesnt know how to help me

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idk

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"I mean its his fault for trying to leave me until I had to beg for him to stay..." ISSS what my angry side of me WANTS TO SAY but no :\

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but oh well

hardy flax Sep 26, 2025, 6:13 AM

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I drew a lot today

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I tried to be happy

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but at the end of the day, I always end up sad

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I just cried a few minutes ago

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I was remember when he told me that he doesnt want me to touch any of his hair at all

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that was.. after the break up

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and then

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what hurted so much was knowing that he used to want me to touch my hair

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like he would die so that I can touch his hair

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its so interesting how u can instantly shift ur feelings and desires

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as if you never cared, as if it doesnt matter to you

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and he knew I was sad, for him to say that to me..

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his words kept hurting me

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and I cried, I told him that Im crying

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and he said that I can touch his hair for today

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he cares so little now

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it feels like he never cared

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he only said that because I was crying

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but never because he wants me to touch his hair

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Im crying again..

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I cant believe how easy it can be to just not care so much about someone anymore

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literally just

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not even try to care

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everyday I cry and cry I havent stopped

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Day 65 after the break up, still hoping to be together again

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I feel like I should stop caring about him

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I feel like I should be mad instead of sad

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I should be filled with rage and anger towards him

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curse him out

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call him names

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point out all the bad things about him

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but no

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I dont want that

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Im not letting my anger grow

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Im not gonna be that kind of person

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I wont be that type of person

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Im not

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Im not

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I want to be

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considerate

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altho Im not perfect and I tend to mess up

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but I know that, I dont want to be a mean person

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selfish

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unconsiderate

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ego

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pride

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jelousy

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ignorant

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annoying

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and more

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i dont want to be someone who has lack of empathy

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which I want to work on having more empathy

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I dont want to be arrogant

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or manipulate someone

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I dont want to hurt others

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I try to be calm

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I feel like trying to maintain myself in being calm

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is what prevents me from also expressing myself

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so I'll try to express myself more

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and be cautious in what things might I say that can hurt others

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I saw this video of a guy explaining about break ups

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that the one who was broken up, might think that they're hurting more

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than the otehr person

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because the otehr person seems fine and well

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but thats not true

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they're dealing the same pain as much as the person who was broken up

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tbh

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idk if that true

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because i mean.. after the break up

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he became so so different

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it felt more distant

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to the point where I felt like I was being abandond

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to the point were I was sort of being treated the way my aunts treat me, being distant, not caring much about my feelings

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He doesnt know what to respond when I tell him stuff

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he says that he doesnt know on some things on what to say

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and then he proceeds to tell me his day

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bro

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at least tell me what things YOU DO KNOW what to say

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I feel like idk

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idk tbh

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its like a lack of communication

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at this point

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I mean its not like he has time enough to talk about it yk?

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but cmon

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did he really need to hurt me

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and pin me down on the ground?

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making me feel miserable?

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I really felt that way

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when he told me about me not allowed to touch his hair

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when he kept telling me that he doesnt want anyone to touch his hair

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when he told me that his feelings could fade away or not

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when he said he doesnt know about a future of us together

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when he said that he only likes me, I mean I know I did mess up

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I cracked him basically

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but he broke me

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and yet Im still here

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trying to wait for him and have hope when im sure EVERYONE would say that I should leave him

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I dont want to leave him

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that isnt a option for me

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and the fact that Im like an option now

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I mean..

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am I an option to him?

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Idk if am a option now

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Im more like... a yes or no

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and who knows how long will I be a yes or no

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Im scared that

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wel

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well

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he said its 50/50

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that he likes me and doesnt like me

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I feel like

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I couldve said way worse

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for it to be 50/50

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but idk

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idk whats on his mind

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I think that if you're gonna tell someone, i like you, but I dont know if we'll be together in the future

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I think that you basically considering them as a option, and ur letting events that might happen in the future. to decide if its possible to be together or not.

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Rather than, loving the person that no matter what happens in the future, nothing can seperate between you and that person. Because not being together isnt a option to you, knowing that u want to be with that person.

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but I guess he doesnt know if he wants to be with me

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it hurts doesnt it kathy?

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Being an option

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that the possibility of leaving is there

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and its easy to just hurt Kathy like it doesnt matter how much you love him or cry for him

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it doesnt matter if ur feelings are real, if u wait, ur just.. not that special to him as u were before

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..

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I wonder if thats true..

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I was special to him

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now Im.. not considered that special to him

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I do wish he was here rn, so we can talk it out

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I think I have to try to wait until December so he is free yk?

hardy flax Sep 26, 2025, 4:30 PM

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I ordered stuff on Amazon

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sometimes I feel like when Im sad, I order things

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idk if its a way of trying to cope?

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but I hate wasting money

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idk if Im rlly wasting

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I ordered a mic

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and face paint

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it should arrive today (what it says)

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I woke up

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feeling nothing

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empty

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still questioning myself about everything

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I wondering if he's a traitor or not

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is he?

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or is he going to be?

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or not?

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today I look a bit pretty

hardy flax Sep 26, 2025, 8:01 PM

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We went to eat at carlsJr

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..

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A song appeared

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"Until I found her" I think thats what its called

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well

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I got very sad

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because it reminded me of the playist that me and him had together

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every word of the lyrics

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that says there

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is how I feel towards him

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and knowing that he doesnt feel that way right now

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is what burdens me

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and makes me blame myself

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I know this is a self healing Journal everyone who is reading this

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I know that I've been talking a lot about him

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he's literally what I think about most of the day

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altho I feel like Im getting better somehow

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I see videos on Tiktok when it comes to waiting the person you love, even if they feel unsure or they might not come back

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It gives me some type of encouragement

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to wait

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stay loyal

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despite the pain

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No words can express how much I love him

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so

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Esteban, I'll wait for you. Why?

Because loving you has taught me what it truly means to love without limits. I love you truly, deeply, and endlessly. Even when we're apart or quiet or we make mistakes and get into arguements. But I dont want to argue and not solve anything. I want to be a team, its not you vs me, its you and me vs the problem. I want you, all of you. I carry you with me everyday, in my heart. Walking together in my mind whenever Im walking alone, pretending that ur right here with me. Even sitting down I picture that you're right beside me, holding me as watching me draw and doodle silly things.

I will wait for you, as we promised each other, because what we share is worth every heartbeat of patience. We both dreamed of a life together of a day when we are right beside each other, living in our dream out, with a lovely garden that you wanted, we could have a pond next to it and add fishes in there, and we call us a forever, and I hold that promise close like the most precious treasure.

I love the way you smile so bright, it can make many people their day brighter,I told you many times of how amazing ur smile is to me. I love hearing you laugh, because I can hear that inner child of you, that sweet little boy laughing. I love you're lovely voice, you know how much it means to me when I hear you sing, how ur choice changes and I always fall in love with you're voice over and over again. I love you're cute sense of humor, even when I did get mad, that doesnt mean that I dont like it, I simply didnt know how to react and Im sorry for it. Dont take it into account that ur humor bothers me, I wish I can see you be super playful with me again.

You are crazy, you are weird, you are so nerdy, I love those aspects of you. You're way of thinking, being a npc lol. I know you are making choices and not gonna do things without a reason. But that doesnt mean that It'll make me stop loving you. I love how you're growing. You're learning.

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I love how you are focused on ur studies and being responsible. Slowly becoming more independent. You make me so proud that I die to just reward you, it makes me want to work hard so that eventually, once Im responsible with my time, management, and money. I can buy you things, and we can hang out. I love how you look with you're glasses, so cute and nerdy. I love how u look like without ur glasses as well. You have beautiful eyes that I could just stare at them everyday, and adore you're lovely eyes, they are so beautiful Esteban.

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No matter what life takes us, know this that I will always love you, be there for you, and wait for you. Throughout every high or lowest moments, my love will always stand steady, I am yours abi, faithfully, endlessly, loyalty, and trying my best with patience.

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I always love you, no matter how far apart we are. I know I can be moody, I have my ups and downs. I know I make mistakes and theres no excuse of it. I know Im not the perfect girl. I know Im not the prettiest. I know Im not good with self love. But I know that I'll do my best to be better. Im growing and learning. I hope you can love me again, please.

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I wonder if in his heart, does he feel like he needs me?

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I guess its time..

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give it time..

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I hope he wants me 100% again

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rn its 50%

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Yes I may be single now, yes I can talk to whatever and to whoever I want, I get that.

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But no, in my eyes, Im not single, Im in my waiting stage, my heart still belongs ro one and one person only. I will wait until our chapter continues, I believe our story... isnt over and I'll be here waiting with open arms, and do things the right way this time. I hope our story doesnt end, just because of a horrible chapter, when we can create better chapters thoughout out "story"

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I think I'll start writing everything down in a book..

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yep

hardy flax Sep 27, 2025, 9:41 AM

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I cried...

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again

hardy flax Sep 27, 2025, 9:20 PM

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feeling very sad again

hardy flax Sep 27, 2025, 9:42 PM

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I miss my baby boy so much

hardy flax Sep 27, 2025, 10:06 PM

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I started to write a letter

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its for him

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but I wont show it to him

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I'll start writing letters thats for him, everyday.

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Some letters will contain lyrics of a song that makes me think of him

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other letters will contain the things I like about him

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and other letter will be from what I wrote here on my journal

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so yeah

hardy flax Sep 28, 2025, 6:22 AM

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I went to hang out with friends today, and I just got home, but I got home feeling so empty

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I just finished crying haha

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...

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I dont know if he cares about me as much as he did before...

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hes like a avoidant attachment type of person

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so..

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how do u make things work with someone who's like that?

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Esteban, I still love you endlessly ❤️

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Im sure u believe me

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and rn ur not capable of loving me

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but remember me

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please dont forget me, you'll always have my heart

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I love you

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so much

hardy flax Sep 28, 2025, 6:55 AM

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my room has been getting more messy and more messy

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as days goes by

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i miss him

hardy flax Sep 28, 2025, 7:19 AM

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eye twitching due to stress

hardy flax Sep 29, 2025, 4:33 AM

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"You are doing well too, and that may be hard to believe for you. I know you are struggling with your own problems but I mean, who isnt in this world you know? I know you are doing your best and ocasionally you may find yourself stuck in situations but I know you can figure something out. You are preserved to be better and I can see how dedicated you are to improve yourself and it makes me happy. Know that I still see how hard you work and I congratulate you for even the smallest achievements you succeed in doing even if unfinished, as something is better than nothing right? Keep doing the best you can, I know you can do anything you desire if you put your mind to it"

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he said that to me today

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I dont want him to say those things to me tho...

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Esteban..

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My beautiful love

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I know how hard it is

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life

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is hard

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But I know we couldve tried to work it out

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its saddens me

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more than ever

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how we coulve make it work. If you truly were in love with me, you owuld've fought for us like before, like I did. But now u dont know if u want to and u dont know if u think that ur capable of doing so.

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But even so

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Im still willing to try

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willing to wait for you

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for the beautiful and amazing person who I want to give all my love to

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and create memories together

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Im not giving up like you

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Im not

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ok?

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I love you so much

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You are so amazing, there are so many things that I love about you

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Besides you're flaws

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ur imperfections

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ur insecurities

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I accept your flaws

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I'll handle you're imperfections, u dont have to worry

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i'll heal ur insecurities the best that I can

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just how u did to me

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I love you with all my heart

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please be back into my arms

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I'll wait for you

hardy flax Sep 29, 2025, 9:00 PM

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I know when people say that when you love someone so much, you need to let them go... but how do you let something that powerful go? How do you let someone who can make your whole week, or day, just by a simple giggle, laugh, chuckle? How do you let love like that go? I mean I now know that its possible to let someone go and yet you can still love them. But I know that, thats a choice you make. Because I know that when you love someone just that much, you gotta fight for it. right? You cant let it go. I wont lie to you, I did try to let it go, to give up, to stop loving you. Its not easy, Its not simple, because I know how strong my love was for you and I wasnt able to let it go, and to give up. My heart beats for you. I wake up, and the first thing that appears in my mind is you and always you. Ever since I came back after 3 years, you have always been the first person who appeared in my mind. Question is, how can I have you back. I simply CANT let you go abi. You bring me warmth, you are who I seek for every night, a hug, a goodnight kiss. You're like my comfort blanket. Who I can just go to you in your arms and all my worries goes away. Your laugh, your smile, your voice, your touch, your beautiful eyes, your pretty nose, your cute hair. All my worries and negative thoughts goes away. How can I give up on someone that could do that to me? You have been there for me when I was at my lowest. You brought me peace when I needed it the most. Back when it was just me and you, there was no one else in the world. How can I look for other guys out there, other stars out there? When all I want is the moon, all I want is you. You are like the air that I need everyday, you are my oxygen. How can I let that go? I cant let you go. It might take time, it might take effort, consistently over and over again but isnt that what love is?

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And maybe you'll never see it. Maybe you have moved on, but I'll keep praying to have you, I'll keep persuing you no matter what Esteban I love you from the bottom of my heart I do I do. Everyday in my mind, whenever I think about you, whenever I miss you. I always say in my mind "I love you", over and over again. How do I let you go? I cant. Even if there is a answer to how to let someone go, and the process takes time. I wont let go. I wake up, wondering if you're ok, wondering if you ate today, wondering if you laughed today, if everything is ok. I have photos of you that I dont want to let go, why? Because each photo has that beautiful smile, each photo has your pretty face, each photo contains memories ❤️ I love you to the moon and back baby. I love you so much (Im crying right now haha...)

#

I wont stop fighting for you, no matter how much u hurt me, no matter how many times you make me cry, I want you Esteban. I want you no matter what happens. I want you, because despite all the pain I go through. I know you'll always be there for me to make me smile at some point, you'll make me feel safe again, you'll make me feel like everything is ok again. You make me feel like I can be someone who can treat you right. You make me feel so much. I love you so much Esteban. Even if I sound stupid saying it all the time. Im not stopping myself from loving you. I didnt wanted you 3 years ago, I let you and what we had go, I wont make that mistake again, I wont let you go again. I wont throw you away like last time, I'll go in the trash and if I have to, I'll dig straight down, get into a pile of roaches if I have to. Im gonna work hard. I wont give up on a love like this.

#

Esteban, I dont want a perfect relationship, I just dont want us to give up on each other, I may make mistakes, I may annoy you, but loving you was never a mistake, despite all our downs, despite all my faults, I will always try to be better for you, because I dont want to lose you, because you deserve the best and I want to be the one to give that to you<3<3 I love you again haha.. "Jacob served seven years for Rachel, and they seemed to him but a few days because of the loved he had for her" haha.. Im crazy huh? One of the hardest heartbreak is losing the version of yourself yk?

hardy flax Sep 30, 2025, 3:30 AM

#

Im crying

#

again

#

I asked him of what would he do if I was gone for months, would he even care?

hardy flax Sep 30, 2025, 4:10 AM

#

I said "I wonder if you'd care if I stopped talking to you for months. You might not even reach out to me, you'll just be curious of how Im doing, but not because you miss talking to me and not because you want to talk to me. But these are just thoughts. You never confirmed it. Or said "Thats not true". yet..."

#

And he replied "If you were gone for months, I'd be worried and of course I may not have the same levvel of desire to chat as much as we did, but that doesn't mean I don't want to check in and potentioally talk about how things have been going so far."

#

It feels like he doesnt care abobut me

#

he doesnt care talking to me

#

he doesnt miss me

#

he doesnt desire to talk to me

#

he doesnt want to be with me maybe

#

he doesnt

#

Im just

#

some random person

#

Im Unknown

#

Im nothing

#

Im not special to him

#

Im not

hardy flax Sep 30, 2025, 8:25 AM

#

I got home from work just now

#

While working, since no one was near me to hear me

#

I started talking to myself

#

and repeating over and over again "I love you" like 15 times

#

and then it reminded me of how me and him would be on calls and every time he needs to go to bed. I always told him "I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you"

#

Then I'd say "mkay hehehe, goodnightttt I love you"

#

I always love telling him that

#

and now I cant tell him

#

so I just stand there, looking kinda dumb saying it alone when no one is around, and Im not telling him

#

but idc

hardy flax Sep 30, 2025, 8:59 AM

#

I think the lessons I learn, isnt because Im weak. Its because I cared too much

hardy flax Sep 30, 2025, 5:19 PM

#

woke up

#

feeling nothing inside

#

empty

#

everyday

#

oh well

hardy flax Sep 30, 2025, 7:25 PM

#

I miss him

#

I create a playlist of songs that talk about waiting for the person you love

#

and how you miss them

#

and how you deeply love them

#

one of the song is called "Sparks" by coldplay

hardy flax Sep 30, 2025, 8:22 PM

#

I finished eating

#

very full

#

I want to focus on me

#

its still hard tho

#

like

#

studying alone

#

I feel lonely all the time now

#

except whenever me and him talk

#

I feel less lonely

#

Also

#

I saw a video

#

talking about what it is to truly love someone

#

loving someone is caring about their feelings

#

not wanting to harm them

#

instead you want them to be safe

#

and protect them

#

thats what it is to really love someone

#

Im kinda reflecting on what I did

#

I did hurt him

#

not intentionally

#

I didnt mean to

#

and I regret the things I said

#

I really do

#

I want to say sorry

#

about everything

hardy flax Oct 1, 2025, 7:52 AM

#

feeeling

#

sad

#

still

#

theres this song that has been relaxing me tho

#

Sparks by Coldplay 🙂

#

the song is about deep regret, commitment, and longing after a relationship ends due to the speaker's past actions that pushed their partner away.

#

that literally me

#

it says here..

#

that "sparks" likely represents moments of passion or inspiration that the speaker wants to recapture and for which they express a renewed, unwavering loyalty to their partner, even asking for a second chance.

#

🙂

#

theres a part of the lyrics that says..

#

"My heart is yours" and "I'll always look out for you"

#

its a commitment

#

and loyalty

#

I love him

#

more than anyone

#

the lyrics express the speakers knowledge that they were wrong and their desire to make amends and not let their partner down again

#

and the song conveys a sense of sadness and desperation for the relationship to be restored, focusing on the partners departure and the pain caused

#

haha..

#

I worry if Im crazy

#

I feel like Im not right no

#

now

#

I mean,,,

#

do u consider it crazy in staying commited and willing to be better and change, hoping that you can be with that person again?

#

If someone ask me "are you single?"

#

its a no 🙂 my ex is my soulmate

#

If I knew how everything wouldve turned out

#

I wouldve done anything to avoid that possibility

#

and I would still do it over and over again

#

Its october now

#

this month was the month that I came back to you, became friends with you again, and slowly I started to catch feelings for you

#

it feels like yesterday tbh..

#

Im glad I came back and fix things with you

#

Im happy I fell in love with you again

#

Im happy you stole my heart

#

Im happy that I was yours again

#

I hope to be yours officially

#

and actually be in ur arms

#

hugging you

#

looking at you in the eyes

#

seeing out future together

#

This month feels nice yk?

#

its a good month

#

something I wont forget

#

🙂

hardy flax Oct 1, 2025, 7:17 PM

#

I felt my heart sinking again

#

today I woke up very late

#

feeling more empty

#

its very hard

#

but yk

#

writing down letters for you Esteban, helps me to calm down a bit

#

I mean I dont know if you'll ever see those letters

#

but I write them as if I were writing a letter to you

#

everyday

#

expressing how I feel

#

how much I love you

#

the things I remember about us

#

everything

#

if we get back together

#

perhaps I'll show u these letters I wrote

#

I slept at 3am bte

#

btw

#

I still struggle sleeping sadly

hardy flax Oct 1, 2025, 9:33 PM

#

We fell in love in october by girl in red ❤️

#

makes me think of us

#

I need to change myself

#

yeah

#

I need to change myself, as in.. become better physically, and mentally. Ofc emotionally too but emotioanlly will take very long

#

I need to change in so many things about myself

#

I need to love myself

#

I have too

#

I have to be someone who people can look up to me

#

new look, new style

#

and new me

#

ofc Im not saying that I'll move on from him and find someone else

#

no no no

#

he'll always be someone I love forever

#

and I'll always be waiting for him

#

desiring to be back together

#

I still want him so much

#

but I want to change

#

I dont want to be the same person

#

so

#

Im going to clean my room now

#

its been 2 weeks since it has been dirty

#

its dirty because I felt so unmotivated to clean

#

and very sad

#

but it has to change now!

#

so

#

Esteban, I hope you're doing ok

#

Im going to change

#

for me

#

ok?

#

I love you Esteban, I hope you can love me back someday

#

So.. emm

#

thats what Im going to do now 🙂

#

te amo muchisimo

#

mwa

#

❤️

hardy flax Oct 2, 2025, 1:13 AM

#

I've been cleaning my room

#

I threw some dresses, skirts, and shirts away

#

since they dont rlly look good on me.. xd

#

I miss you Esteban

#

I hope a part of u misses me too..

#

unless Im just dreaming idk..

#

oh well

hardy flax Oct 2, 2025, 6:39 AM

#

I really thought that today was going to be the day that I wasnt going to cry

#

but I just cried

#

so..yeah

#

A part of me wants to say "how dare you try to leave me!" haha....

#

..

#

I dont know what to think..

#

should I hate him for thinking of leaving me?

#

I dont knpw

#

know

#

I mean

#

I could listen to coldplay Sparks song

#

so it can calm me don

#

down

#

🙂

#

I miss him Sadge

#

everyday I do

hardy flax Oct 2, 2025, 9:04 AM

#

I feel regret for what I did exactly 2 months ago

#

I hope he wants me again

#

anyways

#

Im looking for a new style

#

trying to be new me yk?

#

Im trying to change :3

#

be open

#

even tho I know that there will be days that I'll be super sad

#

which will hold me back

#

BUT

#

I know it'll take time and progress

#

Im going to change!

#

ofc I cant change my whole personality

#

I'll still be me

#

silly

#

dummy

#

climsy

#

clumsy*

#

and weird haha

#

but I'll be more open

#

more expressive

#

Im sure thats what Esteban wants :))

#

but Im doing it for me tho

#

so

#

Im going to uh

#

idk

#

figure myself out! ^^

hardy flax Oct 2, 2025, 9:37 AM

#

I miss Esteban :)everday and I know I said that so many times

#

I say it mostly everyday

#

I get it

#

I just want to express myself here..

#

I miss him a lot

#

Im sure he knows that

#

and he prob knows that he cant rlly do much about it

#

maybe he doesnt want to

#

idk

#

but

#

I just hope he's doing ok

#

I love him

#

everyday

#

not a day hasnt gone by that I stop loving him

#

ever since I started to fall in love with him

#

he has never failed me like I did to him

#

Im sorry

#

please take me back

hardy flax Oct 2, 2025, 7:16 PM

#

woke up, still feeling empty inside

#

I think being in bed is what makes u feel nothing

#

but once ur up thats when u gotta start the day yk?

hardy flax Oct 3, 2025, 12:11 AM

#

cleaning up my room is a lot of work

#

well its because Im taking out lots of clothes

#

kinda hard how to figure out in which ones to keep and which ones to throw

hardy flax Oct 3, 2025, 2:08 AM

#

I feel very mad right now. A month ago, my sister met this guy who is a photographer, and my sister is "studying" photography. I didnt wanted my parents (mostly my dad) to see her alone with that guy, especially since we dont know him AND my sister should be beside me, not alone with another dude.

#

And I told my sister, "Hey, you shouldnt be alone with some guy like that" (he seemed around my age) and ME trying to LOOK OUT for my sister. My sister tells me "You're just jealous" and omg I took that personal because I know my sister likes to be around guys but wth?!?! Im not jealous, I just need to look out for her but FINE, she can be with that random dude, and done trying to watch out for her.

#

like 2 weeks ago, I realized that she has his number and she's been texting him everyday. I honestly wanted to tell her to watch out, but the fact that she said that I was "jealous", Heck nah, Im not gonna pay attention to her. Then she wanted to talk to me about that guy and I said "I dont want to hear about him". She said "Jeez, why are you mad? Whats your problem?" and I didnt wanted to tell her and she sounded DESPERATE to talk to me about the guy, and she kept insisting on why I dont want to hear about it. And I told her of what she told me the other day. Bro, she couldnt remember. Once she did, she was like "ooh! Bruh" and thats it

#

she never apologized and she expects me to be fine with it. I hate when people make assumptions when I was only trying to help, and from my EXPERIENCE of being judge by my friends and my dads side of the family, I am SICK and TIRED of being told of what I am and what I feel. When All I try to do, is look out. So YESTERDAY, my sister went to my parents telling them that she was invited to go to the movie. Ofc my sister is 15, she's young, she behaves immature, she is a trouble maker, so she isnt old enough to go on her own ESPECIALLY since we dont know that guy or who is going.

#

Now, as the older sister that I am, I have the "choice" to go with my sister to the movies with the guy and his friends. OR, I dont go and my sister is forced to stay home because of me.

#

so what am I going to do?

#

I have.. 3 reason why I choose NOT to go.

I still expect an apology for what she said to me the other day
I dont TRUST my sister that she'll talk crap or make me look bad in front of her friends like before
As her guardian, I look OUT for her and if something goes wrong, and I tell her stuff of not to do, she will start getting mad and telling me stuff WHICH I DONT WANT TO DEAL WITH HER BS and her telling me "you're so bossy" and ignores me.

#

I see no benefit in me going, if at the end of the day, Im going to feel judged and feel like it was a bad day because of her. I dont give a damn if she crys and begs for me to go so she can go, because at the end of the day, she'll always say something mean to me.

#

Movie is on.. Sunday I think, I HOPE that I dont hear any crap about the guy, her wanting to go, and the movie.

#

"jealous" my ahh

#

I know my sister is veryyy pretty, I know because I've seen it, everyone tells her that, and my family always talks about her looks and never mine, which I accepted that Im not pretty as my sister, and Im ok with that, whats important is how I treat others, and who I am. As long as Im not mean to others, Im chill.

#

besides, I was never rlly into makeup like my sister

#

or fashion

#

but my sister is obsessed with her looks

#

and thats fine

#

but her wanting to be around guys

#

ok well

#

feels like she wants the attention

#

I dont tell her that tho

#

she's on her own

#

I only look out for her

#

but her telling me that Im jealous

#

ok well thats too far

#

Im not Jealous

#

dont tell me what kind of person I am

#

because I have been told BY MY DADS SIDE OF THE FAMILY

#

of how a horrible person I am

#

and they god damn treated me like crap

#

because they believe that Im a horrible sister and a mean girl

#

and they even talked crap about my friends, which my friends UNFOLLOWED ME but wanted to keep talking with my sister but not me

hardy flax Oct 3, 2025, 6:13 AM

#

I did facepaint

#

I cried a tiny bit today

#

I still cry for him

#

..

#

feels like time is going by fast

#

yet slow

#

its weird

#

I miss him

#

I feel like... at some point he's watching anime

#

idk I kinda doubt that he can be busy every single day

#

Im sure at some point he'll take a break and watch anime yk? or play a game for 10min

#

I extremely doubt that he is studying without a small break

#

and idk

#

he said that

#

..

#

man it hurts saying this

#

but em

#

he said that he doesnt have the same level of "desire" to talk to be as before

#

and it hurts a lot

#

I feel like its going to be something that I'll never forget

#

it hurts my chest

#

..

#

feels like he is being heartless

#

its fine..

#

he can hurt me as much as he wants

#

..

#

I still miss him

#

haha

#

Im crying again

#

ha

#

when will I stop crying?

#

its been 2 months now

#

but it still hurts so much

hardy flax Oct 3, 2025, 10:22 AM

#

Im forced to go to the movies..

#

great

hardy flax Oct 3, 2025, 7:41 PM

#

woke up at 11

#

I still miss him

#

I still write a letter for my ex

#

everyday

#

I really want him to tell me how he feels

#

does he miss me?

#

He has always been so honest with me

#

ofc he lies here n there but I know its not big lies

#

I know he doesnt try to make me look dumb

#

and the thing is

#

How can I stop loving him

#

when he never had a reason for me to stop loving him

#

he never treated me wrong

#

never

#

I regret a lot for what I did

#

I dont want him to leave

hardy flax Oct 3, 2025, 8:21 PM

#

Im crying a lot now

#

I feel regret

#

for what I did to him 2 months ago

#

I wasnt there for him when he needed me the most

#

I left him, I got mad at him, I say mean things to him. Im sorry Esteban for everything.

#

I really didnt mean any of what I did

#

and said

#

gosh

#

I need

#

a tissue..

#

I cant stop crying

#

Im sorry

#

for being a horrible person that day

#

Im sorry

#

for everything

#

please dont leave me

#

my throat hurts

#

I cant let my parents see me like this

#

Im going to clean myself rn

hardy flax Oct 4, 2025, 9:01 PM

#

my sister came in my room and made things work

#

worse*

#

I dont want to talk about it here

#

because it kills my mood

#

I never want to talk about my sister

#

she always made my life hard

#

and stressful

#

anyways

#

I woke up with eyes swollen

hardy flax Oct 5, 2025, 7:09 AM

#

I feel sad

#

all the time

#

he doesnt tell me how he feels

#

he only worries for me cuz Im not doing well

#

but he never mentions anything about the past

#

...

#

this is very hard

#

idk what to do

hardy flax Oct 5, 2025, 7:41 AM

#

Everyday I write a page and tear it off and keep it safe with me. I dont think I'll ever show it to him. But its just a letter of how I feel towards him everyday, how I miss him, and the memories we made together.

#

I feel lonely right now

hardy flax Oct 5, 2025, 5:31 PM

#

Feeling sad

hardy flax Oct 5, 2025, 7:12 PM

#

I miss him

#

Its weird

#

Its like

#

I hate him

#

But I love him

#

So is it really rate?

#

Hate*?

hardy flax Oct 6, 2025, 6:05 AM

#

I cried

#

When I was in bed like 30min ago

#

Then I cried in the shower

#

Haha

#

He fell in love first

#

I fell harder

#

Isnt that crazy?

#

And here I thought that I was the first one to have feelings for him

#

But turns out

#

He always had feelings for me

hardy flax Oct 6, 2025, 6:55 AM

#

My back hurts rn

#

I did too much at the park

hardy flax Oct 6, 2025, 4:12 PM

#

Waking up

#

Still feeling empty

#

I cried in the morning

#

But hey

#

I slept at 1

#

Woke up at 9

#

Not feeling so sleepy

hardy flax Oct 6, 2025, 7:44 PM

#

Went back to sleep

#

Woke up at 12

hardy flax Oct 6, 2025, 8:04 PM

#

Im hurting

#

Why today?

hardy flax Oct 7, 2025, 7:28 AM

#

I sent him a message

#

But I deleted it

#

Altho I did save it

#

This is what I deleted…

#

What I want to say, is that ur love towards me, it was all fake, your love was only temporary, your love wasnt strong enough, your love is weak, and that in the end, you stopped caring of how I felt and only kept hurting me more and more, you knew I was heartbroken, yet you continue to be someone else, turn into a whole completely different person, started treating me like a friend because you dont allow anyone to touch your hair, which I lost privileges. I feel like you treated me the best, but at the end, you treated me like someone who you didnt care to hurt, and even tho its been over 2 months now, even tho you are focused on school. Do u know whats really harsh of you? Is the fact that you treat me like a friend, and we were never a thing in the past. Even if u remember and you say you’ll never forget. They barely mean anything to you now, while to me it has so much meaning. It feels like your love was fake, ur love wasnt real at all, everything we had together,

#

My feeling were all real, they all were meant for you and nobody else came in my mind. Your feelings was temporary, you couldnt stay determined. Even when you waited for 3 years and I did came back. When u fell in love with me again, you just couldnt love someone as u said you could, as u thought you could. All u wanted from me was to fill u up with affection and love, until u were full and you just throw me away and say u dont love me, telling me to not touch your hair, telling me that you are unsure if we’ll be together, shattering me by saying that you dont feel the love towards me and completely changed into a whole person. You changed every part of yourself, treated me as a friend, treating me like Im just another girl. As if all these years you waited for me for what? Yes to make things right, because you felt guilt, but at the end, you broke my heart and you think that ending the relationship, treating me 100% different.

#

Ever since u told me to not show love or use hearts at the moment. You never showed love towards me ever since. Even after the break up, it doesnt make sense, to show love, to lick my ear, to hold hands, to show our private parts, and the night when u said that u were captain, it does not make sense that you like me yet you did those things. You CANNOT like someone and do those things when you LIKE someone. When you are UNSURE about the future with them. You give MIX signals. You give them HOPE. Overall, you give them LOVE. But why would u give someone that kind of love when you simply like them? When you are unsure if u want to be with that person 100%. You changed in a instant Esteban, from what I believe, is that when you love someone, no matter what, you’ll do ur best to love that person despite everything, despite the situation. Unless ur love was weak this whole time, unless u lack communication. Cuz I TRIED to communicate with you in finding a

#

solution to keep being together. Doesnt have to be in a relationship. It can just be as in keep having those feelings because if you still have feelings for me, then its up to you to decide to let them grow or fade away. Esteban, you had feelings for me for 3 years, we had no contact and now its like.. what are we doing? No contact for 4 years cuz ur in college and you’ll most likely lose feelings for me? Since we dont talk for 4 YEARS?
We’re still here! We can still communicate! We can hang out once in a while. WE DIDNT HANG OUT FOR 3 YEARS. And now this year how much was it? 8? 9? Honestly I DONT MIND if I have to see you every 1 or 2 months for 1 day. Do u know why I dont mind? BECAUSE I CAN WAIT, I know that someday, once I become independent, next year I’ll have a job, I make my own choices. I can go anywhere as long as my parents are ok, hang out, I should NOW be allowed to invite you, my dad wont hold me back no more, I make MY OWN choices as long as Im not doing anything

#

foolish. Another reason why I can wait is because I CAN FINALLY TALK TO YOU. I dont mind waiting every week or just reading ur response but no actual talking uhm.. yk at the same time. I know you’ll come back here and I’ll wait. But what? If you coming back to talk to me temporary as well? Just how loving me was temporary. Does keep in touch temporary? I have no idea tbh. Unless your love was just a sham in the first place?? Unless maybe ur love was never real love but just an obsession? Unless you just wanted to know what it was like for someone to love you but u couldnt give the same amount of love back? When it comes to NEVER LEAVING THEM? Making them break their heart? Did I broke ur heart? PLEASE tell me if I did or not. Whats very dumb is, how you can just love someone this much, and suddenly BOOM, “I dont love you now”. So was it that easy for u to flip the switch? Is that what u are? Are you that heartless? Easily unlove someone? I know I made a mistake, do u think I dont care?

#

Do u think I dont regret it? When everyday I carry this regret, this burden for what I did. Was every photo we took together… all fake? Was your love weak while mine was strong? Was ur smile a pretend? Was ur laughter a pretend too? The flowers ur drew for me, was it just for me to be head over heels for u just so in the end u could throw everything away? Was everything fake? What about when u told me that ur buddy was hard? Was it only lust that u had towards me? What about you giving me robux? Was it to just make me love u more and see ur temporary love towards me, just so in the end u take it all back? So that u regret the promises? Im not like my sister Esteban, she was able to move on that fast because she hates the person she fell in love a few months ago and moved on fast once my dad told her the things he told me. I WAS NOT LIKE THAT WHEN MY DAD TOLD ME STUFF ABOUT YOU, I still cried Esteban, even during those 3 years a part of me felt bad for u, a small part of me hoped

#

things were different. Why was that small part of me hoping that? BECAUSE I LOVED YOU AND I STILL DID. Without me realizing it, INSIDE I WAS WAITING FOR U OR SOMETHING. Even when I started to like Julian, I WANTED IT TO BE YOU. Esteban I want to see you as a good person. I really do, but if ur fake, if u lied to me, couldnt keep ur promise. Hurt me during and after the break up. Turning into a complete different person towards me so easily. And not wanting to focus on what we had (I mean before u started college). It makes it 5 times hard to see you as a good person. What kind of a person are you? Because I dont know you. During our relationship, it crossed my mind when I was chilling in the couch, I was thinking “what if I leave him, just like that? More like break up with him? And then treat him different? What if I tell him that I never loved him?” But no, my feelings were strong that I then said to myself

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“no, Im not like that, I will never want to hurt him like that, he doesnt deserve it, and I love him I cant leave him” but you? How does it feel to hurt me? Esteban ur words, the way u treat me now, that pain is more than 10times worse, than the other times I was hurt when we were together. That it makes me feel like I rather get hurt when we were in a relationship, than this. Esteban, idk what kind of person I am. Im not sure if I have a good heart. But I know Im not someone who can instantly move on like my sister because my dad convinced her about him being a fake person. I could not easily move on with you. And the fact that u can, the fact that u barely care about how I hate the thought of seeing u with someone. You cant say no to me, when it comes to you caring for me is less. Yeah u still care. But just how u dont love me as much as u did before. Same thing goes to caring someone. Because if I told you, I cant stand seeing you dating another girl, you wouldve said

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“I’ll never be with another girl, just you, ur the only one I want” but since u dont care or want me as much as before. You say NOTHING. You want to stay friends because I was ur first real friend? Is that how u felt towards me in the first place? When we started to hang out when we were younger? Or did u had feelings for me when we were younger and u dont want to lose me?
It just wouldnt make ANY SENSE if u end up with someone else, and u feel like she deserve to have you but what could I deserve to have you? I do blame myself for what I did and said. But its so shocking to see how u switched up so fast and became so heartless and discounted your feelings towards me. Like everything was we had was fake so so fake and you just cant seem to care enough. IF U CARED ABOUT WHAT WE HAD, THEN YOU WOULDVE CARED IN STILL HAVING FEELINGS FOR ME. I HATE calling people a coward and I dont want to see u as a coward. Coward of what? Leaving me because ur too afriad to hurt me and abandon

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ur feelings towards me. ALL BECAUSE UR SCARED. You cant man up. Ur too scared to make me cry. EVERYONE CRYS AND CANT U ACCEPT THAT I AM EMOTIONAL PERSON? You dont want me to cry, its like u dont accept me. Quit blaming urself for everything! Some things are my fault as well! Does my dads words stuck in ur head? Are u that affected by it? Does u feeling ur not capable really affected u to easily leave me and my feelings? What about the hoodie blanket huh? YOU WANTED US TO MATCH. Before the break up, WE COULD MATCH. And now after the break up, does the hoodie blanket only means that it warms u up and ur just matching with ur best friend? WHILE IM HERE HAVING FEELINGS FOR U? It doesnt help our friendship to be healthy if thats the case. Because I end up hurt Esteban. How can friends be cool with each other, when they were in a relationship but one wants to continue to be with the person. While the other is just “meh idk”. THATS NOT HEALTHY. In fact, its toxic of u to be ok

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In going dirty like showing private parts and then be like “I dont know if I want her” like bro, if Ima be honest, that is so messed up that sometimes I think that ur like other guys who just wants to see a girls body and then leave, but u want to “stay friends” or/and “keep in touch” as if it never happened between u and me. It just makes me think like ur part of the world who does those crappy things. So be grateful that at least im TRYING MY GOD DAMN BEST TO VIEW U AS A GOOD PERSON AND TO HOPE THAT U ARENT THE KIND OF PERSON WHO I THINK U ARE. I dont want to see u as a jerk and NEVER call you one. Remember that I HATE calling name, and u told me that ur fine with it because everyone has said mean things to u. Esteban, just how u hate arguments because of ur parents. I hate calling names because of my dad, and I NEVER wanna call names to someone who I care EVER. Unless they are who I believe they are with enough evidence. 3 words that comes through my mind is u

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being heartless, jerk, and a coward. Maybe fake as well since you gave me so much and said so many things to me, and then take it back and switch ur whole character towards me, and treat me like a friend and simply be like that. Careless, leaving everything we had behind and not take account to hurting the heck out of me and making me feel miserable thanks to you. Everything was a lie no? When we played together on avatar game on Roblox, choosing clothes to match together, Pijamas frog, Dino, cat, mustard and ketchup, swimsuit, and other stuff? Matching necklace? What about the drawing you and I did? What about how u called me “cute” when u came to my house? What about holding hands secretly where my parents wouldnt see? What about the moans you did for me on call so that u can make me shy? What about the 2 player games we did and we worked together to complete the game? When we played Sushi game together? What we played dead rails and you would be behind me and try to be dirty?

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What about the calls we did and we said how much we love each other and alllll the things we wanted to do? What about the goodnight kisses? What about my effort in waking up early so I can say bye to u before u head off to school? What about the times when we laughed because we joked around about the “back flip”? What about the playlist we made together? What about the songs that u sang for me? What about the time u said that u wanted to have a family and be together eh? What about the videos we send to each other and how happy we were seeing each other? Was everything a lie? Was everything fake? Does it now mean nothing to you? If you really enjoyed all that.. if you ACTUALLY care about what we did together, isnt that enough reason to try to work it out? Have I failed you? Im not giving up but are you giving up now? Its like I cant reason with you I dont know

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You cant answer my question because you dont know. When will u know? In 1 year? 2 years? 4 years? Its like you dont want to try to know what to say or how u feel because you only care about college now. Im not saying that u should put me first over college, no no no, but Im asking if u can at least try to consider my feelings, Im not going to be in ur way with college or do things that can affect you. You prob dont believe me because maybe its about our past issues and arguments we had, but do u really think that I’ll be stupid and careless that I wont consider about what ur dealing with college and I make things worse? I wont be like that, I really care about ur career, I care about ur family, I care about you in everything. You are just.. you just dont care, what kind of.. not a friend but of a person are you? Because no, I dont know you, I dont know this Esteban who just does that to a person and lies about everything. Even after feeling hate and holding grudge towards you

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for 3 years, you already know that a part of me wish to have you, a SMALL PART OF ME. Not NONE. So even now Esteban, even if I told you, “I hate you for what u did”, even if I say that to u right now, I could never.. stop caring about you, a side of me that is impossible, and being with you, I could never not love you, if I talked to you and hang out with you for at least a day.

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Thats it

hardy flax Oct 7, 2025, 5:45 PM

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Woke up

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I feel a bit better tbh

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Sad

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Still sad

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But not as sad as yesterday

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I did cried a lot yesterday

hardy flax Oct 8, 2025, 12:52 AM

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I feel sad

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Still

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:/

hardy flax Oct 8, 2025, 4:18 AM

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Still feel sad

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I hate how I barely study

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It sucks

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A lot

hardy flax Oct 8, 2025, 7:50 PM

#

#

Drawings I’ve done

hardy flax Oct 9, 2025, 1:05 AM

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Im doing my best to not think about the past or him

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Mainly the past tho

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Because it always makes me cry and it just feels like all the joy we shared just happened recently but now its all gone

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Idk

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But em

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Im trying to animate

#

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Lots of layers-

hardy flax Oct 9, 2025, 5:04 AM

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Crying again

hardy flax Oct 10, 2025, 4:29 AM

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I cried a tinyyyy bit

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Which isnt so bad

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Because its not a lot now 🙂

hardy flax Oct 10, 2025, 4:54 AM

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Theres another song

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From coldplay

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Called

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The Scientist

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🙂

hardy flax Oct 10, 2025, 11:17 PM

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I still continue to write for him

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Everyday

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I still wonder

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When will he see them?

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Who knows

hardy flax Oct 12, 2025, 5:49 AM

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I slept for 1 hour

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Feeling empty

hardy flax Oct 12, 2025, 6:54 AM

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I dont wanna love someone else as much as I loved him

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And I dont want someone else to love me, just to try to fill up a empty void that will never make me feel actual happiness as much as he did

hardy flax Oct 12, 2025, 11:28 PM

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We’re in the car, on our way to get a door that my dad ordered idk, but I feel like I want to vomit. Because this car is where I was for 2 days texting my ex all the time, because we were going to Texas and I was bored. So its like nostalgia, and idk I dont feel uncomfortable being in this car 😓 I miss him everyday dude, Im trying to find a way to cope with it

hardy flax Oct 13, 2025, 9:17 AM

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Misss himm

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I bought clothes tho

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So I can style myself and look cool yk?

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Be new me or wtv

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Its hurts

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Im sad

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I miss him

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I miss him so much

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Haha..

hardy flax Oct 13, 2025, 10:01 AM

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I cried

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I saw a video that said that

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“You have to tell him how you feel, weather its “I love you” “Im sorry” “I miss you”, because you dont know how long you can, you cant run out of things to say, but you can run out of time you can say it in, and If everything in ur being, if everything in ur soul, knows that thats the person, that you love them as much as you say you do, then I mean you gotta fight, you got to, fix the mistakes, fix ur issues, fix whatever it is, and show that you will be there for them, that you want them and only them. And if they need distance then fight from a distance, all that stuff about maybe in the next life, flip that, we got one life right now, the one we’re living in, thats what Im focusing on and if ur my focus in that, then ima fight, I got to.”

hardy flax Oct 14, 2025, 9:26 AM

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I miss him a lot

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Everyday

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I do my best to not think that he’a ignoring me though

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Its hard..

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But Im trying my hardest

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I love him no matter what

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Today I have too…

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Clean my whole room and pack my backpack

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Then see where I can buy tools for crochet (for the road on Wednesday)

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Then… idk

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Try my beat not to cry

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Ima try to study tho

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Sucks cuz I feel so lonely whenever I study

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I miss my old friend Anette

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We were together a lot

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Oh well..

hardy flax Oct 14, 2025, 10:51 PM

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I miss him

hardy flax Oct 15, 2025, 3:38 AM

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Im crocheting

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After 3 years haha..

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4 now I thinkv

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?

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Im doing my best to not think that he’s ignoring me 🙂

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And im trying to wait for his reply

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A message

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Checking again and again

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See if he’s online or not

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I miss him

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I miss him so so so much

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Its fine

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A few days ago we did zoom

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And he gave me his attention

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Which was cute yk?

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So

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Yeah..

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Haha..

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I love you Esteban

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I still do

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I still carry a regret

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For what I did

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That caused the break up

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Im

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So so sorry

hardy flax Oct 15, 2025, 7:46 PM

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Today we’re leaving town

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Going on a road trip

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We’ll arrive on Friday I think

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So yep

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I miss him

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I feel like thoughts are trying to get to me again

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Like how much we were lovey dovey

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I regret what I did

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I really do

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I messed u

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Up

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Im still sorry to this day

hardy flax Oct 15, 2025, 9:47 PM

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I hate how we’re taking the dog to the road

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Or in the car

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Like she can stay home dude,we’ve done it before, we dont need to take the dog

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And taking a dog to us is a lot of work, besides..

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She farts a lot

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Ugh

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Im so mad

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I did not wanted her to come due to the amount of responsibilities

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And she SNIFF A LOT AND DROOLS A LOT

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cmon dude

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And so we put our bags and backpack inside the car

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In the middle of the seat

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So it was kinda full

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But the dog can still get inside yk?

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Even if its tight and small

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And my dad told me to put blankets in bags so that it wouldnt take so much space

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Which I did

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But my dad got mad when he saw how full the middle seat was

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Like why u mad? We can still put the dog under my feet

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She doesnt need that much space

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But idk

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My dad feels bad that she will be left home alone and that she doesnt have enough space

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Wtv

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My dad was complaining so much

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For the first time he acted like my mom

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Constant complain bro

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So I found a solution

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Then my dad pins the blame on my mom

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Tbh

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Idk anymore

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Im tired

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Ruins the mood of everyone going on a road trip

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I miss my ex tho

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He was my biggest joy

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I really miss him

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A lot

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Tbh

hardy flax Oct 16, 2025, 5:56 PM

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Yesterday I woke up with pain in my throat

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Then at night it reduced a lot

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Well

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Today I woke up with more pain

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And turns out when I checked the back of my mouth

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I have tonsil stone

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Its not that bad tho

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Its basically like a white cyst thats on the back of ur mouth, that causes a huge smelly breath, and it can be spread.

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It looks like a white dot with more of those idk.. cyst looking inside

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And I tried to remove it

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And yeah its little by little you dont rlly need a doctor unless ur not capable of removing it and none of ur fam as well

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And I mean trying to take it off made me cough a lot

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AndI STILL HAVE MORE

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but we needed to leave the hotel sooo

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I only have a little bit

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I almost vomited tho

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Haha..

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Man

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I miss my ex lol

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Even when my throat hurts

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Or that I have a infection tonsil stone

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I still think of my ex lol

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Does that me tonsil stone = ex
Which means smelly = ex?

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Nahh

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My ex isnt smelly hehe

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He’s the cutest boy

thin robin Oct 16, 2025, 7:28 PM

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Ay

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You doing alright?

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I don't know if i'm supposed to be writing here, i'm sorry if i interrupted or if it's your personal chat, i'll leave if you tell me to 🙏

hardy flax Oct 17, 2025, 9:18 AM

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thin robin You doing alright?

Hellooo, Im doing ok ty for asking

#Self Healing Journal KitKat :3