#Going through a break up because of what I did.

101 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

zealous wave
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like.. 5 days before the first month of August, he started to act weird, cry, and I asked whats wrong, he said "nothing" but we dated for 8 months and sum was wrong for sure, so I insisted on him in telling me and he just told me to not worry, but obv Ima worry, I need him to talk to me. After insisting, he told me that one of his close friends died, he considered that friend as a family, and he asked me if I could just not give him any type of affection (love) since he wasnt in the mood. For me it felt hard to accept his request, but I accepted it and I told him that I'll be there for him, and comfort him, but you know, Im a girl, and the hormones, monthly cycle, mood changes, are super bad. but It was a horrible timing, and my mood swings isnt... pretty. So when he said for me to not give him affection, my emotions felt like.. a desire to get attention and love.
I completely forgot and didnt considered that he wasnt in a good state to show me love. so 3 days went by, he said "dont worry, ur hubby wubby is slowly coming back to give you love mkay?" and that made me feel mad, so I ghosted him for a day, I told him I was upset, then I ignored him, he asked what happened, he wants to help me, he hopes that Im ok. and then.. I just kept ignoring him, bottling up my emotions. until a day later, I exploded. I said mean things. I said how he doesnt love me, I feel alone, he doesnt care, I want this and that but he doesnt give and its always me giving love. and it kinda triggered him. We then argued for 10min, he HATES arguements, due to his trauma with his divorced parents, so after 10min, he said that its best to take a break for 5min since its too much. so we stopped talking.

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5min I noticed that what I said was messed up and so I came back to apologized, and I did, and all he said was "mhm", he got dry, he said that he isnt in the mood to talk, I begged for a call so he can HEAR my apology, he did, and he said that we arent ready to date, that its best to break up because I hurt him, he then expressed how he feels about this whole situation, he said "you 'cracked' me kathy" and I said sorry, he then said that he wants to decided what to do with "us" and that theres going to be changes, I begged for us not to split, but he told me that he needs time to think, during those days I begged to stay together, I told him how sorry I was, how much I regret what I did, how much I love him and dont want to lose him, he then said he forgives me but...

he said that he doesnt love me, he said that I might not be his last lover or sum, he said that he STILL has feelings for me, that he LIKES me, but not love. I told him "why" and he said "because Kathy, you HURT me" and I said that "I wont do it again" and he said that he cant fully trust me. And I think we are kinda immature now that I think about our past arguements, the way we act kinda proves that we still need to grow up, mature mentally.

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but yeah we are currently "friends" the thing is, when I asked him if he still pictures a future of us together like he PROMISED, he didnt say "no" but he also didnt say "yes", he doesnt know, I asked if he is willing to wait and try again and he said "I dont know", why? because he doesnt kno his feelings, how he feels, what he wants, he said "i dont know" and I said "do you think we'll be together again?" and he said "I dont know, right now its a 50/50" I asked why 50/50, and he said because he doesnt love me, he just likes me, he said that he doesnt know if he'll have feeling for me in the future. he says

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"what if my feeling fade away?" and I said "how?" and he said "because im too busy with college and we dont text anymore" and I said "I'll keep texting you, even if you dont text back, I'll text you everyday, just a goodmorning and night, I wont forget about you, and I'll be waiting for you, dont feel pressure tho to reply when u have other things to do tho" and he said "ok", and I said sooooooo many things, of how much he means to me, my feelings towards him, how they cant fade away, how I hold onto so many memories and how I cherish them deeply, I told him "how could you lose feelings toards me?! Do you not care of EVERYTHING that we SHARED TOGETHER?" and he got kinda upset and said "Dont you EVER say, that i dont care, ok?" and I said ok and I said sorry. He doesnt like it when I make assumptions about him.

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So it seems like he isnt rlly handling the break up well, but he says that he cant cry since he used all of his energy of crying of his friend who died, so rn he doesnt feel like crying because he cant. (what he said) We broke up on august 1st I guess, but Im still not over it. He started college, yes he's busy, we barely talk, I text him a goodmorning and goodnight everyday. Whenever we have time to talk, we talk, sometimes we joke around, then it leads us to snuggles, sending hug emojis, which then leads us to things that "friends" wouldnt do but more like "couples". So its kinda confusing that we are "friends" but we would flirt or sweet talk a bit to each other.

between 2-3 weeks after the break up, me and my family went to his dads house, and we secretely hold hands, and did other things without anyone noticing, but it had me confused, does he want to stay with me since he is showing this amount of affection??? The answer is, I dont know, he doesnt know, he says he likes me, but he doesnt know if we'll stay together because he doesnt know of what can happen in the future. He thinks that his existance or being part of my life, is causing ME harm which he feels like.. idk, he questions himself if we never met. He thinks that my life wouldve been better. I hate it when he thinks that way.

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When we flirted, I eventually told him "I love you" and he said "awww, hehehe, cutie" and I said that I was hoping he'd say it back, and he said "Im trying to rejain those feelings" feelings of love...he doesnt love me.. maybe forever, or maybe not yet. Why? because of what I said to him, for not being there for him when he was grieving.

So I blame myself everyday, I cry everyday. I miss what we had, I believe that we can.. grow and mature and be better people but, he is unsure. He has college, taking 4 years of college. Right now he is unsure, I was told to wait, give time, focus on myself, wait for him, be better for me but not for him.

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I kinda, want a friend, who can be there for me and listen to me, support me in focusing on myself, maybe be hard on me in saying like "did you studied?" haha... I feel lonely more than ever, ever since the break up. So it'd be nice to have someone to talk to, I dont like feeling alone. I struggled sleeping lately, and I wake up late now. Im tired of crying, remembering about what me and him had together. I still want to hold on onto hope, to grow up, and wait for him. But while all that is happening, I want to focus on myself in self improvement, focus on studies, future job, self love. I dont want my negative thoughts, the memories..., to make me hold back, I dont want it to make me hold back from my studies.

If someone can be there for me, thats great! Pushing me forward. I just dont want to keep crying, I've carrying this heavy weight, a heavy heart, everyday. Im tired of smiling when I dont have the energy to smile. I miss him a lot, but I cant focus everyday on thinking about him, Im trying to think for myself, focus on me, but its hard, thats why if theres anyone who can be there for me, distract me maybe, encourage me. That'd be great. And advise too.

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sorry, I know its a lot (theres more but its too much reading now)

zealous wave
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its a lot lol

timid plank
zealous wave
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Im told that I should leave him, I should stop talking to him, that we were just not meant to be, that I'll find someone else better, that I should wait until he looks for me if he really wanted me.

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I dont want to leave him, I told him that I'd support him with his studies. Having to stop talking to him worries me into thinking that he'll lose interest in me. I dont want to believe that we were not meant to be, I believe in him so much, that he can improve. We just have flaws and we need to gain more experience in life and have a stable life BEFORE getting in a relationship. Im scared tho if I wait, will he really look for me again? Everything is so confusing I want to talk to him about it but Im also TRYING to give him time to think about what HE wants

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his goals, jobs, family, him or whatever. He is trying to figure that out.

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I want to talk to him, ask him about us. because it feels like he's messing with my feelings (by accident) into thinking that he loves me BEcAUSE WE STILL TALK, but later he says "Im still trying to regain that love"

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i feel like he just doesnt know how he feels exactly

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he's either being a jerk, OR is just dumb

timid plank
# zealous wave I dont want to leave him, I told him that I'd support him with his studies. Havi...

Well he might not be messing with your feelings, he might just be thinking things through, maybe all the hurtful things you said to him earlier while he was grieving. Even though he asked you to stop coming close to him while he was grieving he might not have meant it, he might have said that because of the painful emotions he was passing through, he needed support and kind words at that very moment. Sometimes when I'm sad or grieving I try to isolate myself, I try to shut everyone out, but that makes things worse, even though I want to isolate myself, I still have the longing for people to be around me and comfort me.

Well, I wish you the best in all your endeavours

zealous wave
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Right now whats happening is that he sent me a message today

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telling me how he is BOMBARDED with assignments lol, but since I text him every morning and night, saying "goodmorning" and "goodnight" and I add like... encouraging words like.. "Keep up the work! You got this with ur quiz! I believe in you, Im here for you ^^"

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he told me today "thank you for ur kind words, they make me feel less tired and more perseved to do work"

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He says he is so focused on school, he knows that Im going through a lot but he doesnt kno for sure what it is. That its because of the break up. I've been thinking of stop talking to him for a few months. So I can focus on myself. But him saying how my words help him, its like holding me back from moving on and I feel like crying. I simply want him to love me again.

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but what do you think?

zealous wave
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@ancient imp

timid plank
zealous wave
timid plank
zealous wave
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mhm

unreal panther
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hey girl, my boyfriend just broke up with me and i wont tell you the details unless u want to know haha we have been dating for 9 months

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this song really helps me tbh

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like genuienly you just gotta let it be

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if he wants to come back he will come back

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if he doesn't he doesn't

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everyone is gonna leave you

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im not gonna sugar coat it

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you can't control that

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but you can control how you respond to it\

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ofc you are allowed to be sad and grieve

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honestly i was so upset when he broke up with me

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like i cried in two of my classes

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but now my sadness is like 2/10

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because if its meant to be it will be

zealous wave
zealous wave
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hehe

zealous wave
# unreal panther like genuienly you just gotta let it be

yeah, its very hard. So many people have either gotten back together with their ex, or it wasnt meant to stay, and some are still waiting. Others moved on and are doing fine, but they still would like to be together again with their ex. For me its just...

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I want to find myself happiness when he's gone. I feel like he had a lot of pressure, which was another reason for a break up. Since he considered the fact that, he wouldnt make time for me for College. He finds it.. things wouldnt work out and would only make it worse if we continued dating, due to how busy he is. Even so, he said he likes me. That I'll always be someone who he values or cares in his heart and no one can top that. (he said that after the break up).

zealous wave
# unreal panther if he wants to come back he will come back

I feel like, he is very unsure, I want to respect him in him figuring out himself, how to manage college, finding a part time job, saving money and paying what he needs. I think that.. maybe him being in a relationship is too much for him. He might not come back TO GET BACK together so soon. No. He needs time to himself to figure things out right now.

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he still has feelings for me, but he is trying to focus more on him, what he needs.

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Yesterday when he texted me, he called me "ami". Its kinda embarrassing lol but its because the word "mami" as in "mommy" and even tho he decided to stop calling me those names. He called me "ami" and I still call him "abi" or "babi" as another word for "papi" but like.. idk its very weird. Its like.. the level of affection isnt zero, but its low yk?

zealous wave
unreal panther
# zealous wave honestly I kinda want to know why, altho idk if reliving or remembering the past...

we broke up because he couldn't handle the distance, for context i live in america and he lives in australia.. he graduated like yesterday i believe? lol. anyway theres also other problems with our relationship such as me being catholic and him being muslim (he isnt allowed to date) and hes like nonchalant. like i said happy 9 months and he was like "idk why u celebrate duh duh duh.." and we got into a fight lmao

zealous wave
# unreal panther we broke up because he couldn't handle the distance, for context i live in ameri...

Ohh I see, I mean its a bit similar to me and him. Im catholic, Im baptized and he isnt, me and him cant date because he needs to be baptized. Idk whats holding him back, but I know he has a lot on his plate because he is dealing with college and is already thinking of a part time job. He did told me 3 days ago how he is processing in becoming independent and he claimed that he is "thinking like an adult for once". Idk how bad was the fight between you and him. But me and him it was just 15min and then I guess he realized how much pressure and responsibility it is to be in a relationship since he needs to improve on himself as much as I need to as well. Have you moved on tho?

unreal panther
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kinda forced to lol

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im way to busy to be stuck on him

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anyway we are lowkey chill

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i still tell him drama because I know he wont tell anyone

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im not mad at him, i just wish things would have worked out diffrently

zealous wave
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That seems so easy

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I kinda wish I can do that

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idk

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You said u wish things would worked out differently

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I think for me its like

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on my situation

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uh

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He says that in case he loses feelings for me and doesnt picture us being in a relationship again, he wants us to remain friends

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but thats like.. so hard for me to do, how can I possibly be friends with someone who I wanted to be with, its just messed up how SOMEDAY I'll see him with another girl, like you CANT EXPECT ME to be FINE with it knowing how DEEP DOWN it HURTS LIKE HELL

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thats torture, because I wanted it to be me, and he decides to give up, as if our promises are out in the trash, simply forget about them. And done, move on. but I guess Im glad that ur ok now. Being busy helps I suppose, the thing is. Im not very busy, so I have so much time to worry and think. But Im trying to stay busy so I can move on.

unreal panther
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i think my ex already moved on

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i saw on his instagram note he posted a song like

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"should i cut off all these other ___ your the one i want"

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something like that

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rn i feel hurt

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but its whatever

zealous wave
# unreal panther rn i feel hurt

Im sorry you feel that way. I wish I knew what to say, all I know is how hard and hurtful it can be. And then you're told "i hope you feel better" but its like.. its not like that's gonna work yk? Just by someone telling you that. Its hard to feel better (at least for me). It really upsets me that he did that, Im sure you are a special person, I guess its just that some people are too blind to see it that way. I dont want to say "I hope things get better" because ofc thats what everyone would say. All I know is that its important to be honest with ur feelings, if someone hurts you, I guess try not to bottle it up, unless you're able to move on and focus on other things than ur emotions. but idk

unreal panther
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thank you twin honestly its no big deal anymore haha but i really appreciate it

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im honestly just focused on so much other stuff soo

unreal panther
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i do weightlifting and it helps me release some of my anger and sadness

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buttt u can do less demanding things

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like my friend and i play tennis together for fun lol

zealous wave
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you saying that u have a lot of stuff on ur plate

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I know he has a lot of stuff on his plate because of college

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and u saying that u accepted it and ur doing fine because ur busy

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it makes me think like.. he is fine because he is focused on his work

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rather than putting thought into me and the things we did together

patent tendon
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i agree that you guys probably need to grow more mentally. Because the thing about relationships and commitment and stuff is that he can't just give up on u when life gets hard, and vice versa. While i understand his pain it does not mean that you guys have to stop loving. i honestly y think he needed love in his time of grief and idk why he asked u to stop. It's a lot of emotions to go thru and he probably didn't know how to cope. u honestly and deserve someone who's gonna commit more. death is tragic but it's not an excuse for him to give up on those he loved. u deserve better 🙏

zealous wave
# patent tendon i agree that you guys probably need to grow more mentally. Because the thing abo...

Yeah, he says he has his way of coping, but I remember when we were younger, I never liked the way he coped with his parents being divorced, he told me that he would bottle up his emotions. I told him to let it out because bottling them up isnt good. And he listened to me, and to this day he tells me to not bottle MY emotions. Now the way he hopes is being alone and crying, I feel like I shouldve given him a bit of time and distance, but I know that eventually I had to be there for him and give him love, that theres someone there who loves you and hopes that you get better. Yeah when he asked me to not give that, it felt like a heavy task for me, my mistake was bottling up my emotions because I craved his attention and affection, and then I exploded and instead of talking to him, I created an arguement.

I do understand 100% that we need to grow more mentally, I hate not knowing what to do or help or understand situations and I just make stupid choices. I know that he is focusing on himself a lot and Im guessing he's doing a good job on that, since he told me that he is busy with studies and projects and he is thinking of a part time job, he said how he is finally making choices as a adult for the first time, meaning that he isnt just doing things without a reason anymore and that he's just "existing". He told me how he is processing in becoming independent now. And Im happy for him! (cuz finally now he is FINALLY choosing things rather than letting other people decide for him on what to do)

Even tho Im not in a relationship anymore, Im still commited to wait for in my heart. While I focus on other things in my life. Get a job, drive, become independent, and simply grow. I know I tell myself that I deserve better, sometimes I feel like I dont. MANY people would tell me to give up on him since he cant commit. Since he doesnt know if he wants you. Since he feels unsure about the future. .. I get that. I know. But either way, Im still commited to wait.

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no matter what life throws at me.
I'll always support him, motivate him, and do my best to be there for him. Whenever he needs it. (dw I'll be focusing on my things too)
I just hope that someday, just maybe, he can see my worth. If not then at least I did my best.

He had other reasons to why he felt like it might not work out tho.

-Because of my parents

-that in 2 years I'll be in another state for 2 years until I come back where he is. (total of 4 years, which is 4 years that he'll be in college)

-He thinks that his feelings will fade away because we wont see each other a lot when I tell him that we can literally video call

-He feels like his LITERAL EXISTANCE is the REASON why I get hurt a lot (emotionally) and that I carry a weight on my shoulder because we date in secret and I dont like secretes. BUT LIKE, dude, when I was struggling, because my parents were in the process of thinking of getting a divorced, I was feeling so MISERABLE, and I NEEDED someone to comfort me and be there for me. he was the ONLY one who was there for me. So no, Im happy that he EXIST and is in MY LIFE. I just ant him to understand that. :l

patent tendon
# zealous wave Yeah, he says he has his way of coping, but I remember when we were younger, I n...

honestly the fact u realize that is already a lot of growth and ur better off than others. there's honesty a thousand way a situation can go and sometimes things will still be bad off no matter what u do. he seems to be doing well so the separation was probably good for him. i think u did the best you could with the knowledge u had and u were not deliberately trying to hurt him so i see no wrong here, i just see a human trying to help another human. for me honestly it takes a lot to support someone i love and can't be with and the fact that you are willing to do that is amazing, i hope he see ur worth someday too.

zealous wave
# patent tendon honestly the fact u realize that is already a lot of growth and ur better off th...

yeah, well Im doing my best. I still cry here n there. But I try to not stay in bed the whole day and "wait" for him. Because I know I need to develop in a lot of things for myself. So in the meantime, while I still love him, wait for him and no one will ever be better than him in my eyes. I'll do my best to focus on myself, and improve. hug Once I move on, I want to be happy again, rn Im still hurting, but Im doing my best to be happy, for myself and be patient. He waited for me for 3 years of no contact. We were very young dating. I think now he realized how much of a responsibility it is to be in a relationship, and I guess college made him feel more pressure and the realization that he needs to grow and mature.

So yeah, Im doing my best to take care of myself. Since he knows that Im not doing well, he tells me that he wants me to get better and he hopes for me to be happy again. Altho truthfully, it kinda hurts when he says that to me, because he was the source of my happiness. But I need to accept that he's busy everyday, and I need to find my own way of being happy when he's gone.

patent tendon
zealous wave
patent tendon
zealous wave
# patent tendon omg i totally get the song thing. songs did help me feel my emotions in the earl...

yeah I get you. Im trying new hobbies here n there ^^ keeping myself distracted. Altho I think it makes it a bit hard when he sends me a message like once or twice a week to see how am doing as if the whole breakup didnt happen and we never dated. He knows Im sad and he says that he wishes that I get better.
Today he sent me a mss responding to my messages. And at the end he said "You are doing well too, and that may be hard to believe for you. I know you are struggling with your own problems but I mean, who isnt in this world you know? I know you are doing your best and ocasionally you may find yourself stuck in situations but I know you can figure something out. You are preserved to be better and I can see how dedicated you are to improve yourself and it makes me happy. Know that I still see how hard you work and I congratulate you for even the smallest achievements you succeed in doing even if unfinished, as something is better than nothing right? Keep doing the best you can, I know you can do anything you desire if you put your mind to it" (note that him saying those things to me is rare)

I apprechiate his words. But the truth is, as of right now, he is the last person I wanna hear that. Im not saying that because Im mad. I say that because Im still struggling (not as much as before) with what happened 2 months ago (breakup) and I hearing those words who is coming from a "friend" who USED to be my "boyfriend" is NOT what I need. Anyone can say those words to me, but him tho, it hurts. Because I dont need to hear those words from him at the moment. It just makes me more sad.

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I think its just the thought that those words are coming from someone who cares about me, but not someone who loves me. Its what hurts.
I also feel like.. its not cool for him to say things that hurted me, that he doesnt love me, he doesnt know if we will have a future, he is unsure, he doesnt know what he wants. Which all those things hurt. Because he used to be so determined to want me and be together. And now how he says "I will watch my words more carefully from now on". That hurts a lot.
He hurted me for breaking or idk.. taking back the promises because he's unsure.
and now he says "I hope you feel better" and "I know you are struggli0ng with your own problems" like bro, as if you arent part of the reason why Im struggling and hurting :/ I told him that I dont think he is in any position to tell me those things but I thank him because I know he doesnt have bad intentions