someone whos meant to drift, is always gonna be a drifter. he may crave those feelings he comes across but they will never be his truly. he will always be alone in his boat at night, with nothing but a blanket and a lantern. he will have to say goodbye to his happy place every night to go back to drifting into nothing
#drifter
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this song reminds me of when i was still a kid
when i was in dubai in my cousins house
we played minecraft
and found a diamond
it was rare to find diamonds
back then
it was just one diamond
no one cared but me
i remember playing with my brother
when we still loved eachother
now hes someone i cannot fathom how evil hes gotten
maybe not by action
but by thought
once you get into studying it
youll never escape it
youll see it in everyone
how many appear to be good
if even my father
showed me he could get away with raping me
if he wanted to
if even my brother
would do unimaginable things to me if there was no consequence
maybe its a curse
the brain
to think that many believe that they’re good for not doing what they KNOW is evil
only because there are consequences do they not act upon it
after that class
i dont think im ever gonna be able to see people for who they are anymore
because its not who they are
it never is
words are always filled with lies
which to them is true
people are evil
there will be a way out
but its very hard to find someone true to their words
someone who will be willing to be truthful
and not lie to your face then get mad at you for noticing
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showed me he could get away with raping me
to further explain this, he didnt say it directly. but they got mad for something that happened to me and dismissed it did not find a solution as to why it happened (number 1 explanation is assault or sleep walking) but in the end i got in trouble for “accusing” the men in my family. it showed me that if it were true that it happened, they wouldnt protect me, they would hide it
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a person who refuses to acknowledge the truth, will stay in their own idea of it. this will cause a phenomenon thats apperant in every kind of relationship there is. in families, the parent will never acknowledge the truth, will only accept that of their own, which causes them to force their child into things they dont want. creating trauma. in a relationship one partner may live in their own assumption of truth, what they feel is true. while it is true they feel that, it doesnt make it the truth. it makes it a false conception of truth that only ends up creating guilt, and breaks trust in the relationship. this is apperant when partner A says "im fine" when asked how they were by partner B, partner B trusts it then moves on. partner A gets upset that partner B "doesnt care enough". this is an assumption of the truth, what one feels is true. while it is not true. as seen in the example, partner B trusted partner A, partner A lied about how they felt, which is slowly breaking trust. though many claim "its hard for me to talk about my feelings", instead of giving partner B a lie, they can say "i dont know, i need ___". it can also be seen in friendships, where people bullshit behind each others back. i feel as though this one is the harshest of them all, since ive been through/ going through all of these. again we went back to how i felt that fact was true. which is not the objective truth, but the subjective one.
perhaps subjective truth is not honesty
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no body can save/help someone unwilling to be helped, someone who wants to live in their own subjective truth and not the objective one. someone who will repeatedly go back to their past mistakes and repeat them, knowingly
that person described is someone who will need to change themselves in a way no one could describe to them
they will need to find it on their own
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irresponsible
im not an idiot
was it my fault for believing in other’s words
or was it their fault for lying
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i had the courage to finally remove her account from every app i have
i had promised her if she was willing to be with me i would do my best to give her a healthy relationship
it took a turn
and instead of healthy i became anxious
an effect avoidants have on me unfortunately
pulling away will only make me anxious
i wont beg for you to come
thats not healthy to do
you broke up with me
cut contact first
im gonna respect that
it would make it worse if i texted you
because you arent inviting me to
and if it is your goal then thats not what i want to be part of
because thats just manipulative
i think a part of the reason we wont work is because of the effect you have on me
no matter how healthy of a person you get with it will affect them when you push and pull
when its the only thing you know
its not that i dont want to talk
its that i have nothing to say to you
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is it a blessing to be a drifter
or is it a curse
to never find a home
but to experience the home of others for only a moment
the home that couldve been yours
they dismiss it
it always goes back to them
forcefully
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a composition i made that i dont remember how to play again
i call this one “compass (?)”
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i do miss you however
alot
i just wont turn what i promised id give you into something else
your choices are yours to make
and mine to respect
my choices are limited when it comes to us
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if an us even exists
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the truth exists
and the truth you will find
im not mad at you and i hope one day we can be just friends without it hurting either of us
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this song is the most comforting song ive ever listened to
its as if that is me in another life
its me playing these drums
in a house with no one
but myself and those drums
and a tv
i can visually see it
ive lived it
i can hear it
a part of me couldnt fulfil it
and never will
a part of me
will stare at nothing for hours
wondering
what i did wrong
this is the sound of my childhood
its weird to think that
the most beautiful thing someone can crave
is the same thing that will kill him
my dreams are not mine to keep
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No point
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green and grey
tried to do something like radiohead
i dont think that exists
“to leave a flower is to let it grow because if you truly love it youll let it go”
thats bullshit
bullshit (noun): stupid or untrue talk or writing; nonsense
assume that this flower had a condition and was going to die eitherway
yeah sure you wont pick it to kill it faster
but if you love it youll stay with it as it grows
assume the soil wasnt fertile
you could’ve switched it
helped it griw
not left it to
in return the flower might reproduce and make your garden have multiple flowers
what i would say Is love
is choosing a leaf instead of a flower
everyone loves flowers because theyre pretty and extraordinary
i think a leaf is just as pretty
its ordinary
and thats what i love about it
sure youll find the same of it everywhere
but i chose that specific one
so to change the quote
“if you love a flower, you’ll help if grow because if it truly loves you back, it would help you grow the place you chose for it (home, garden, office, etc.)”
today i accidentally killed a baby fly
he fell on my shirt and i was trying to get him to climb my finger so i can put him on the bench
he climbed my finger then when i tried to put him down i think i went too fast he got dizzy and died
i was so sad
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“if you love a flower, you’ll help if grow because if it truly loves you back, i...
though i wouldnt stand by this quote
“its easy and efficient to love a flower, its more beautiful but harder to love a leaf”
its easy to love the extraordinary
its hard to love the ordinary
but youll know its real
change is subjective
remind me to try to play this song next time im near my guitar
go slowly - radiohead
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i wanna give it a name
jordan
it reminds me alot of jordan
i feel a sense of home there
and minecraft
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wish