#how to continue after my girlfriend was R***d by another student

73 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

warm pendant
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tomorrow it has been two weeks. i spent the first week after it happened with her, i focused on supporting her, not thinking about myself or the situation. i got home tuesday and I have been alone since. i have bpd and tend to self sabotage, but this time feels different. she is very uncertain of how it happened, she was very drunk and blacked out. i trust her, but i don’t trust her memories. my mind has been trying to fill the gaps in the story but i just don’t get it. we also had an argument about her smoking weed for the first time a few days before it happened. I was upset because she had always been very strongly against weed, and has judged me and been upset at me quite a lot for having tried it a few years before, when we hadn’t even met yet. she got pretty drunk and tried it out of nowhere, and was acting really out of character. I told her that i’m concerned, and that i’m scared that she will do other things she has always said she wouldn’t, like cheating. i know my bpd makes these thoughts a lot worse but that argument, plus the uncertainty and weird story, her not wanting to press charges despite knowing who did it, etc. just make me spiral. i don’t know if she cheated, i don’t know if she was drugged or if she initiated anything. this uncertainty is absolutely killing me. i switch from trying to be supportive and reassuring her that i love her to feeling betrayed and hurt. i don’t know if we’ll ever be the same. i don’t know if i can ever cope with what happened. i’ve talked to some guy friends and they seem to have the doubtful view more but that just seems more natural as a guy. if there’s any girl reading this could you give your input? i just desperately want to believe her and i do, i just don’t believe her memory and how she has been acting while drunk. i love her, she has always been the biggest green flag, and i don’t want to give up on this, but it’s so fucking hard to sway this weird gut feeling i have.

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i can give more details on the story if needed, just didnt want to type it out if there was nobody responding anyways because it makes me physically sick.

fresh basalt
warm pendant
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how to continue after my girlfriend was R***d by another student

lament pollen
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Bro, if she don't want to press charges despite being graped... I don't know what to say. As a 18 y.o. Girl and usually don't even talk to guys or feel comfortable around them, if any of the guys touched me in a way that i didn't feel comfortable, it would even be my as* i would be making it the biggest deal evdr, and could even call the police. And as you said she started smoking. I'm sure she is going through a hard time mentally, and probably has some mental health issues, she is trying to deal with it. I still have some questions. Why doesn't she wanna press charges? İs it because she is sacred, afraid, what's the problem?

warm pendant
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she has gone through long trials when she was younger and it’s quite confronting. she also just wants to put it behind her and doesn’t want to see him again. i get why she doesnt want to press charges, but its just another reason for my mind to run wild which sucks

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i visited her again this weekend since i left her two weeks ago. she seems better, she is a lot less scared of physical touch and seems just better in general. i was barely able to touch her without her pulling away last time but now we spent many hours cuddling, which feels great. yesterday night i mentioned the thoughts i’m having and she started dissociating really hard. i don’t feel like we were able to talk about it properly and i feel bad for bringing it up. i’m not sure if the thoughts got better or not because of this. she also said she really doesn’t want me to contact him because she doesn’t want to know what he did to her either, which i understand, but again, makes my mind run wild, which sucks. i dont know how i’ll ever get rid of these thoughts when i’ll never be certain of what happened. leaving her is again very hard. i’m not worried about her when i’m there with her because i know i can keep her safe, but it’s really difficult to leave her alone. i’m scared that i won’t be there to protect her if something else happens

warm pendant
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we’ve just been arguing. she wants to be alone to process it, i want to atleast talk to her. i’ve been stuck in my own head for almost a month now. i need to talk to her about it but she never wants to. i dont think she’s going to stay with me. my thoughts are running wild and i don’t know what to do. i don’t want to think. i really feel like she’s ready to break up with me at any moment

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i just want to fucking kill myself man

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this shits not worth it

patent berry
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but lets not suggest that to yourself man

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You're deserving and worth it. I'm not trying to talk down to your girl cause she supposed to be a victim here but I also think that you should respect yourself for feeling ill about this cause lets all be honest here it is not something most people would tolerate of let alone not pursuing legal battles against a crime

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Nothing is worth taking your on life man, coming from someone who also gets stressed about his girl

warm pendant
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but its not even just that

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this whole situation made me realize how fucked up i am mentally

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i’ll never be alright

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and the only thing that kept me going was her

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and we won’t be fine

patent berry
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okay brother youre not fucked up mentally, it is a huge mental toll and you're obv stressed from it, but this is not an evidence of a problem of you mentally

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look man, you were born without her, and you've been through majority of your life without her eaither

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shes not someone who's gonna "fix" you, no one else would, not a single person can be a fixing factor of you, except yourself

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of course people are going to be there for you but its not the same of you "depending" on them otherwise you can't go on mentally

warm pendant
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i promise you i am fucked up mentally

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ive had problems before, for years, but because nothing else was really happening it was fine

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but now i am completely fucked

patent berry
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Hey man then the best advice I can give you is to seek out with a professional therapy, ASAP.

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its great that you're reaching out to people, but you need to realize its a medical situation as well, and you would need professional help no only for the benefits of you but also around people who you love and care for

warm pendant
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She didnt fix me either, i’ve had argueably more episodes the past two years than i did before i met her. but she has given me reason, has made me feel like i belong and so much more

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Part of me wants to get help but another part of me is so apathetic to whatever happens that i feel like i wouldn’t even put any effort into it

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I just live in a state of not caring anymore

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I dont think id kill myself but if a car was going to hit me at 100km/h i dont know if i’d even try to dodge it

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the only things i do is for other people

patent berry
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hey man, lets not talk about death here, my advice would remain the same, please seek out to professional help as soon as possible

warm pendant
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i work hard for school and my internship for my parents. i take care of myself for my girlfriend. i do things to make other people feel something because i cant anymore

warm pendant
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i can get help via my internship, its probably a good idea but again i just dont feel like it’d help

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it doesnt feel like anything will

patent berry
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you will get help 100% but you NEED to seek help, not from your relationship, not from anything that's already providing you stress. Get a third-party involved, like a professional therapist

warm pendant
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yeah thats what i mean, i can be appointed professional mental help

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its supposedly confidential but i dont want people to know so im a bit scared

patent berry
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thatll be the best for you brother

warm pendant
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she has been going drinking a lot recently. she is not talking to me at all and behaving really strangely. i get that people cope in their own way but i really dont think this is a good idea. i dont know what to do anymore

lament pollen
# warm pendant she has been going drinking a lot recently. she is not talking to me at all and ...

Hey please, I will be holding your hands while I am saying all this. Please, don't focus on the relationship right now. Please focus on yourself. Don't think about if the relationship will continue or if she will break up with you. İf she will, then that's on her, if she won't, then you guys need to work on it together. Look, for a relationship to workout both of them need to participate in fixing it. Look, you are worthy, you are enough. And you are lovable. Working on yourself will never disappoint you. İf she will want to continue the relationship, nice, you have invested in yourself and you are now better for your relationship. But if she won't want to, that's okay, you still invested in yourself and you will be able to cope with it better. Start by small things. Meditate when you wake up, during the day, at the end of the day. That's helped me while my partner didn't want to talk to me because he had ||suicidal thoughts|| please, you investing in yourself doesn't mean you hate her. You can still love her and still choose yourself. I don't know who you are but I love you. Please take care

warm pendant
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I just don’t know how. I spent the past weekend with her, things seem to be going good between us, and when i’m with her i’m able to think about the here and now. but when i’m alone at home my thoughts run wild. i don’t know how to process it without knowing what happened exactly. i still can’t deal with it when i think about it. it’s gotten easier in a way because i think of it less, but when I do it’s just as bad as it has been. we have also been sexually intimate for the first time since it happened, and it was nice but i got really uncomfortable a few times because i started thinking about it again. i’m not worried about her wanting ti break up with me anymore i think. i’m more so worried that i’ll break at some point. i want to talk to her eventually but i don’t want to be selfish. last time i tried to talk to her 2 weeks ago she started dissociating really badly. I just feel like im suffering for a week or two to see her again, be good for a few days, and repeat it all over. i could probably use therapy but i dont have any connections that could let me do it quickly. the queus here in belgium are incredibly long, like more than a year. i just feel so lost

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i don’t know how to cope with the “what if” thoughts I have. i really can’t

tulip slate
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dont say that

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ur 20, u havent seen life at all

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just let time fix everything

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just try to distract urself as much as possible

warm pendant
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I cant distract myself

warm pendant
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i feel worse every day that passes. my mind is just running fucking wild and she has been coping really badly and we have been fighting because she pushes me away. she got high monday evening despite me begging her not to smoke weed because it has been a boundary in our relationship ever since we got together. she just told me to get over it and that “people change”. she has not been acting like herself lately, she threatened to block me if i kept messaging her. i cant deal with the thoughts of her being sexual with anoyher guy, even if she was blackout drunk. i can’t deal with this anymore. i have nobody to talk to, my friends dont care, my family tells me to man up, i wake up at 6 and get home at 7 everyday just to fucking cry myself to sleep and wake up in cold sweats every night. i think about ending it all more every day and honestly i don’t think there are any better options anymore. our relationship is fucked, my trust is fucked and i am left spiraling in my own head. i can’t even distract myself because every fucking time i try i start zoning out and fall back into what i’m feeling. i just want it to stop

cinder iron
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Maybe you should let her go

cinder iron
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I'm gonna give you my opinion. You know, things got really bad for me near the end of my relationship... I was anxious, i was overthinking- to the point where it really started draining me. Although i know that you're in a really bad situation and i can probably never understand how it feels to be in your shoes but from my experience, leaving her really gave me the relief i wanted, although it wasn't the easiest thing to do and it did hurt a lot but it's nearly been a month since and i can say for sure that it was a good decision.

Your feelings and emotions are valid, your brain is trying to tell you that it isn't working out anymore. It's not selfish to leave, it doesn't mean that you don't love and care for her, it just means that you can't handle the situation and that's okay, it's not running away but rather caring for yourself by taking a step back. Think about it- would you rather have her breakup with you or you breakup with her? As you mentioned, you've been feeling worse as each day passes but the sweet thing about letting go is that it only gets better as time goes on.

(You can say i have some personal biases while writing this due my experience it but i wanted to show you my point of view)

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But whatever happens, whatever your decision may be, I'm here for you. You can always DM me and if you do, i can promise that I'll give you my time and try my best to make you feel better ❤️

warm pendant
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I can’t let her go. But it’s also just hurting me so much. It’s such a constant up and down. i don’t know how to ever deal with this. Even when i’m
not thinking about it i constantly have this underlying stress and uncomfortability. I cant stop having images of it flashing in my head. i don’t know how to be normal, and be normal with her. i go from loving her more than anything to hating her in an instant because of these thoughts that appear out of nowhere. i got so uncomfortable when we had sex again since it happened because of the thoughts and images popping up in my head. i know that time is supposed to heal but what if it doesn’t? it’s been a month and a half and i feel worse than i used to. i dont know how to cope with the uncertainty of what happened. i’ll never know. this fucking guy is walking around, probably bragging to his friends about this girl he fucked, with no consequences whatsoever. his legal name is Matej Bezák, from Slovakia, studies law at university of Leiden, i have his phone number too. if any hacker reading this is feeling generous and wants to fuck over a r*pist. I feel so fucking angry. i consider jumping him every day, it would be so fucking cathartic to watch him suffer

mild prawn
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just leave the relationship if it hurts you so much.. also try to bring the r apist to the law

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and dont blame urself or your gf both of u are at not fault even if the relationship is gone

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you are much more responsible for YOUR mental / psysiological health and she is for HERs no matter how cruel that may sound

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i hope you find a solution though

warm pendant
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i can’t leave her and that is not the solution i’m looking for

silk glade
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Im going to be so real with you right now, especially from someone who been in this situation.

If you actively and actually want to stay with her, then you would have to do the mental work to overcome the mental obstacles.

You see what you are going through, imagine how your partner felt when it happened to her and she was powerless.

Remember, you can simply say press charges but in a lot of place that wouldn't do much. It would have to be evidence of force entry, bruises or whatever else and common cases, these don't appear (that's what happened to me). The police would be skeptical because they would only try to find physical evidence (which is most they could actually do) without any video or photo it would be hard to prove and they could simply say "she always been like this", "she wanted this" and whatever. SA is hard to prove.

You are correct you would never be the same. You could be better than better or close to what you were, don't think negatively of things. Your doubts and uncertainty will come into play and it would be up to you to actually clear them yourself or TALK TO HER.

If you tell other people the story it might look weird or they would try to piece it together for you, if you want total judgement you have to put her character and what you know of her to make that judgement, literally no one else can for you, because they don't know her like you know her.

You have to either trust her words or not and that could break both of you.

What you are feeling is value not gonna lie and have every right to feel the way you do. Just remember she also going through things as well, and you are doing good.

At the end of the day, it's both of you, come together and work things out and be very graceful with each other or leave and heal alone.

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That's why I didn't press charges myself, because my story looks horrid and it wasn't no proof of SA and that messed my ex up because why wouldn't I press charges, where I live you might as well go on with your life and try to heal.

I told other people and they believe me and comforted me, even when I felt like shouldn't have been, I wanted to die, I tried to end myself because the one person I held dearest to me I hurt in a way that was imaginable to me and I still cry and dig at myself for it to this day.

Trust me if she is like me, it is killing her inside because she feels like a failure and disappointed you, that's how I felt at least.

warm pendant
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I’m really sorry you went through that first of all, I hope you are doing better now

I really appreciate your point of view. I love her so much and I really don’t want to, but sometimes i just feel myself almost hating her. I try to force myself to be okay and be normal because i don’t want to hurt her. She has been very avoidant about it so we have not talked about it much at all. she wants to get better first because it’s too hard to talk about, and i get that, but i think until we do and we just throw everything out there that we’re both feeling, that i’ll remain in this limbo between hating and loving, anger and sadness, etc. so i hope that day comes soon. It’s just really hard to not think about it and whenever i do i start pondering and i just get lost. i want to get better but i’m not sure where to start at all. it’s a constant up and down and when i feel okay i feel like i don’t need any help, and when i’m doing badly i feel like i don’t deserve it, there’s no inbetween. I suppose i will just try to hang in there until we can talk. I’m just scared that i will lose control before then. I feel myself getting more and more angry or curious, i’m scared that I will snap at some point and send a message to the guy, or to ask her friends about what happened or that i’ll hurt myself because i’m so angry at myself for not being there to save her. Im trying my best to not let it get to that point but i’m bottling everything up, i hope i get better soon, or atleast more stable

silk glade
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Yea take her to a therapist, she sounds traumatized

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Y'all need a controlled environment with a professional to start building a pathway for simple communication, until then you would get no where

warm pendant
silk glade
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Thank you, I'm glad you are active in her life right now and she probably greatly appreciates it, but can't express it right now. You should get a therapist as well or slowly start joining her sessions to try to build a bridge for communication.

I love this for you both, honestly.

warm pendant
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Yeah i’ve been thinking about it. my parents are just not too big on therapy so i’d rather not have them know about it but at the same time i don’t have the money for it

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i’ll try to ask my school if theres anything to do

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but again because of how up and down i feel it’s hard to either be bothered or feel worthy enough 😭

silk glade
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Well for your own mental health do it it for yourself.