Why do I feel selfish and manipulative?

[lyric monolith]

Right so, I really hate to admit it but I think I am a selfish person
To others I seem selfless and extremely sweet and good but in reality everyone to me is "just a person" and I only act that way because to me it's like acting good = good rewards that benefit me
Like even to my parents, idc if they love me or not and idc if I love them or not which I don't feel like I do because I can't empathize or understand people that love them so much that they'd do anything for them or stand up for them even if their parents are bad
My parents aren't bad , they show me alot of love everyday but I cringe and I don't want it I hate it
I wouldn't care if they didn't talk to me
But at the same time there's people I really love, I have never tried to make them feel bad for their actions nor ever saw them like "just another person" I only ever feel that way with my family, some friends and strangers
I realized that everytime someone's parent was bad to them my advice was literally for them to guiltrip them and manipulate them so they get what they want from their parents
Idk what do y'all think?

And I have a big fear of being "bad" and ruining my reputation
Bc bad reputation= no good stuff

Tho sometimes things escalate when I get upset with someone
I have awful things to say but never say them
Not only bc it would ruin my reputation but it would somewhat make me feel guilty

[harsh gorge]

Hi. I can tell you have thought alot about this and it must have been difficult to put it into words like this. I don’t think it’s simply the question if you’re selfish or not. It seems more like a strategy to protect yourself from getting hurt. You said that you do love certain people and that you don’t really try to make them feel bad so that in itself is already proof that you aren’t selfish in itself. The real question is why it feels different with others? You said being “good” feels more like something to use to get good things, then something that you really want to do in the sake of being good. Could it be that you grew up in an enviroment where you always had to be the “good girl” or were the standards really high? Did your parents push you really hard? It could be why you are obsessing over the “being good”. And maybe never actually developed the intrinsic motivation of being good. How were your parents growing up? Did they emotionally support you or just physically? Did something big happen growing up? It’s a good thing that you’re reflecting and I hope you can get some more clarity!

[lyric monolith]

I don't really remember being told to be good or anything
They didn't really punish me hard for this specific thing
But I do have trauma of witnessing people getting punished badly for being bad
I am aware that I'm in survival mode so I did expect smth like this
'm still afraid of being bad Infront of people I love bc it feels like "I'm letting the mask slip off" and showing how I'm actually pretty morally grey and not morally white or whatever the very good moral thing is

I just think I have different morals than others and I'm scared of explaining them bc it may seem like I'm a bad person

And the people I have manipulated or used were abusive people

Not innocent people

[harsh gorge]

ah that’s a very good reason why it might feel very scary to be considered “bad”. it’s out of fear.

[harsh gorge]

hey you know that no one is truly good or truly bad

[lyric monolith]

Yeah

[harsh gorge]

we all have both light and dark within us

I don’t think you’re selfish

I think you’re scared

and you keep people out and try to manipulate them into not finding out you’re a “bad” person

but what is being good? or being bad? do we truly have a definition for that?

[lyric monolith]

I think im scared because I realized my natural reaction to thibgs I consider bad is apathy, being cold and manipulative

[lyric monolith]

Not at all

[harsh gorge]

exactly

[harsh gorge]

example?

[lyric monolith]

I have a friend that physically hurts people and once me and another friend
They're also very mean and hurt others with their words
But the reason why I stay with them is because they offered to give me money because I bought them smth
Or they gave me (some) comfort when I needed or praised my art bc they like my art and I wanted opinions on it
And I was like
"Oh nice I'll wait for them to give me the money and attention etc. first and then after they graduate (this year) distance myself "

Or another friend that is very homophobic and made weird jokes about hurting me for it and stuff
But I kept being around her because she helped me with class
So I completely ignore what they say and do and focus only on what they're helpful for

Is it healthy to stay with people like them
Absolutely NOT
But I am NOT planning for them to overstep my boundaries nor hurt me or am I planning to stay near them for long

[harsh gorge]

I see I see

so what are you scared of exactly? losing the good stuff they’re giving you? but you do realize these people could be seen as bad?

and i can see the pattern here. you focus on what they can give you and kind of ignore the bad stuff for a little bit

[lyric monolith]

For them
Losing the good stuff they're giving me
For people that I love
Them seeing that I do this and thinking ik bad because in my mind it isn't bad because they offer to give it to me and it's simply karma for them

Maybe I'm wrong but who knows

Everyone's different

I have a big "taste of your own medicine" mindset so

It's expected of me to try and get revenge on someone in a way they don't expect (that ofc isn't worse than what they did in my eyes)

And ofc not illegal

[harsh gorge]

makes sense you don’t want to lose what they give. but if you had other ways of getting comfort, money, or support, would you even bother staying around people who hurt you or others?”

[lyric monolith]

No I wouldn't bother

I already don't because the people I love already are giving me comfort and support and they're super nice and I think they deserve the best
So I stopped talking to the first friend I talked about

[harsh gorge]

so maybe it isn’t really about being selfish or “bad”, but about finding healthier ways of getting that comfort or things in other places you know?

[harsh gorge]

good!

[lyric monolith]

Mhm

I'm just feeling anxious and scared thinking about this
Because I can't explain it well and I keep thinking I'm some kind of awful person that doesnt love anyone or whatever

[harsh gorge]

you aren’t an awful person

i dont think u are

[lyric monolith]

I have been called a liar alot in my childhood so it's something that triggers me lol

[lyric monolith]

Thank you

[harsh gorge]

i get that then

[lyric monolith]

Maybe it ties to the fear

[harsh gorge]

we are all flawed in our own ways

[lyric monolith]

Absolutely yeah

[harsh gorge]

you don’t have to be a perfect goodie goodie

[lyric monolith]

They shouldn't expect people to be perfect
But I guess people that expect perfection aren't perfect too right?

Mhm

[harsh gorge]

yeah!

and you talked about those people not being good people so i do get it in a way

it’s not the healthiest way to go i think but i understand where you’re coming from

[lyric monolith]

I guess
But it's how my mindset works
Very simple and organized and categorized
I'm probably not explaining it the best way but oh well

It's not that I do it alot

Barely

Because I couldn't be bothered by people I deem bad

[harsh gorge]

yeah i don’t really understand what u mean here

[lyric monolith]

It's okay!

[harsh gorge]

well that’s good then

[lyric monolith]

I'm hyper aware
So I can write you a while exam of how my brain pattern works
But it's so much that my brain blocks the information so I don't get overwhelmed
It's fascinating