#Martial arts

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quasi steeple
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I talk about my MMA experience

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So I'm going to one of my MMA gyms

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Monday August 18 2025

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I've done kickboxing and muay thai on and off for 8 years, since I was 13 years old. Jiujitsu for 3 consecutive years.
A fun fact about me is my uncle is a kickboxing and muay thai coach, he has his own merchandise, Letterman's and bombers with my last name on them. My bloodline carries great fighters.

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I often talk a lot about how I have a lot of destructive habits in my life, and I do drugs.

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I'm not the greatest person alive, certainly not perfect, I struggle with psychosis all the time and hear voices in my head.

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When I need to find a place for discipline, I go to MMA. I tell myself, enough is enough. Enough drugs. Enough girls. Enough smoking. Enough sleeping in. Enough avoiding responsibilities. This is a way to punish myself, but to empower, to liberate, to be safer, stronger, better.

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Currently I feel a pit of nausea, and dizziness in my stomach. From drugs that are still leaving my system in the past 42 hours.

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I'm anxious for what I'm about to do too.

quasi steeple
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The rounds went smoothly. My tenseness made me an aggressive and relentless fighter today.

pallid current
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@quasi steeple can i ask a question rq?

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Im planning on starting a martial art but im stuck between a striking spirt or a grappling sport

quasi steeple
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Thursday August 21
Just another day... another move

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A bit tired, but I bet my MMA class will energize me at the end

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Today is an advanced lesson, all the experienced fighters are gonna be there. Amateurs excluded

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I love how honest one of my dojos are, one of the guys there named Chase was like, "This is better than chugging copious amounts of alcohol" basically implying he's struggled with alcoholism and that the sport helps with addiction

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Another lady named Dee was like, "Guys, the cop is here! Hide your addictions!" Because one of the people who train there, is a police officer, lol

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Another funny line from Chase was, "I don't know why kids do these sports, they've never tried a beer in their life"

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Yep. I remember what people say pretty good.

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I once said to Chase, "You like being tortured?" He replied, "I love it."

quasi steeple
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Tuesday, August 26th

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I want to go train badly at one of my gyms. But the thing is, might be late.

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Because schools starting now. My only concern is getting there on time.

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That place is like my second oxygen, what keeps me going, what lets me sleep at night

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MMA helps me decompress

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Feel better about my life and who I am

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Everything can fail on me

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Everybody can treat me like shit

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Strangers can pick fights with me

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People can bully me and laugh at me for the slightest breath or step I take

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For my shoelace being untied or my hair being too messy that day

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But they don't make me feel anything

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They just add to my emptiness and my void

quasi steeple
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August 27th
Another day of exercising demons

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And kicking ass

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I be feeling so badass after I'm done with them dojos for the day

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All these mfkas at school asking me to train them

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Like hell nawh I'm not trying to have the ambulance rushing ovah ere

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Like I'm shizophrenic I got real demons

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I unironically stare at people through my eyebrows

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And have al three whites of my eyes showing on the casual daily

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And people have the balls to ask that from me

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If you ever see anybody with either of those 2 characteristics stay the F away from them

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They will kill you I'm not kidding

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Those people are live wires and all screws hanging out of their ears

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And that is a real thing, that shows mental instability, and a very insane level of anger

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Or if somebody's eyes look OFF or unsettling or wide

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Hellllllll nawhhhhhh

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It signifies they're psychotic and violent and I'm serious I can say that

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Listen to and read people's eyes

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They will tell you so much about somebody's current mental state

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And they will look so distorted that it looks like they're on drugs but they're not

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This is some real psychology and I don't see people bring it up ever

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Points added if their eyebrows are raised into a permanent position and they look shocked or electrocuted

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Because what they're about to do to you, they don't wanna miss, and that's the face they're gonna be making after they're done with yah

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Like literally a face of terror and horror, it can even look like they're extremely scared

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People who are the most scared in this world are even scarier than who they're scared of

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Or if they're staring right over your shoulder and not saying anything and just dead silent

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That person is speaking to the actual devil at that point and their sane self is talking to their crazy self about not doing what they feel they should

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And I know this because I'm talking about myself when I was in a psychotic episode for 8 months I looked like that and was about to do some heinous shyte

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People who look right through you or into you or past you

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Are freakishly dangerous

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As if they're staring in and out of your body like it's transparent or see through

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I know all the looks I swear to god

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Pure danger

quasi steeple
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Alright I'm going to train MMA

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All that fcng yap about eyes dude

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Covering up the purpose of my journal

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Well I'm at my gym

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Feeling depressed

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Disgusting

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Ashamed

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Sick of myself

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Unconfident

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Judged

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I'll update how I feel after it

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I hate who I am sometimes

quasi steeple
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I still felt the same, just embraced it even more if you guys didn't know.

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Now it's 3 AM, August 29th on Friday
I went to my gym today too to train, and I got an injury.

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I didn't notice when I got it, I only felt the sharp intense pain after it was all over and everybody left the gym.
Then it was just me and one of the head guys left. I stayed because it was hard for me to get up and walk. I couldn't drive myself back home right away, so I chatted with the MMA trainer about how you need to set your mind towards tasks and goals and your body will then follow and listen. We also talked about how the sport makes you feel safe in your skin, and stops you from being bullied. That's common knowledge about it.
I remember being choked so hard by others around me that my body started to turn blue. It felt nice, to have someone harm me, instead of me harming myself, sometimes you feel like such a bad person and that you need something bad to happen to you and that you deserve it, so give it to me.

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I think I pulled a muscle, from my leg to my pelvis, to my spine/back. It's all connected, and I had the worst cramping feeling in my pelvis, that it was hard for me to stand up straight. I was scared shitless that I had broken something in my body. I already felt slightly paralyzed from the waist down but it was a relief that I could still walk. I was fine after popping a few Advils and stretching, while crying out in pain. And I mean, tears, rolling down my face while I was trying to move my body back into place and fix it.

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I was disoriented and a bit airheaded after the fighting. Like laughing dumbly randomly. Unable to form a sentence, broken English, stuttering. To feel terrified like that makes me feel alive, without the drugs involved for once. It makes me more appreciative of my current health, and even people I hold dearly to me that I feel I don't appreciate enough. I feel like a nicer person after being beat up.

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My body felt so tense and still does kinda, it's hard not to be when you're just stuck in this intense pain...

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And not gonna lie, I'm still feeling a bit funny after it. My hearts hurting, it may be from a lack of oxygen from the sport or the drugs I've been doing every weekend. I was blowing my nose like crazy up in there, and I have a sniffle that quite won't go away that ain't quiet.

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I remember driving myself back to my place and I thought about taking a swerve straight towards the hospital. But I was fine. I'm good now

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I was the second to last person to leave the dojo, besides the trainer. I noticed that what I say there is memorable. I sometimes walk in and say, "I have demons to release" no, I haven't mentioned to them that I'm schizophrenic, most people don't have access to knowing that info about me.

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I wore a grey hoodie today, with a black denim jacket on top of it that had a few heavy metal patches sewn onto the sleeves and front pockets. A guy named Palmer wanted to see it, he's the largest guy that attends that gym, he's near 300 pounds, about six foot, and said he had a jacket with the band Kiss painted onto the back of it with the sleeves ripped off, I told him to bring it and ill show him my DIY too.

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Palmer's hard for me to fight. Because of how large he is. I like how honest I can be in dojos, when you're in pain, everyone's honest. I remember when I had no choice but to spar with him and I turned to him and said, "F@@k are you looking at fat ass?"

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I like how in dojos and in MMA you can reveal to others just how ruthless and cold you can truly be to another human being in that space

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I'm telling you all, that I am the chattiest guy in that dojo. I never stop talking, you hear me every second.

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My jaw gets tired, from talking so much sometimes.

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I remember when Palmer was standing too close to these two guys showing a move and it was blocking some people's view. I said out loud, "Can we talk about the elephant in the room?" If you were this funny, you'd be talking this much too

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People call me cheeky in that place. I can accidentally come off as rude. I call out everything. I don't fmucking care.

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You know, there's some addict that goes to this dojo. And he goes, just to get beaten up, and kicked the shit out of. Purely for punishment. He has very dark red circles around his eyes, and is physically limp whenever I'm handling him. I make sure to treat him softer than other people I fight. It's sad to see that but that guy is just strong as the rest of us in there. At least he still goes, and his life is in our hands, not in the hands of a drug at the moment.

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That guy rushed to the restroom and threw up after fighting me once.

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I've seen other addicts that enter gyms just like that one. Someone going through withdrawals and sweating like crazy with anxiety as you fight them. I've seen people come in, claiming they've been up for days and can't get any sleep, and another common sight is the dark circles around the eyes. They seem wired and don't look like they care about themselves or their life.

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You can tell the crowds rough to begin with, and mostly everyone there has some shared attributes, even people who don't do drugs and that aren't addicts. Everyone looks tired, fuelled by some sort of demise or problems in their life, like they aren't or can't stop for a second.

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You can sense things in certain people you fight because you get so physically close to them, face to face. Like insecurities, traumas, addictions, abuse, people who have been bullied and people who have bullied, those that are numb, those that are highly emotional, they're all battling something, mentally along with the physical world in front of them that they've consented to embarking on

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And they don't even have to tell you anything about themselves, you can just see it in their eyes, their face, the way they carry themselves, the way they fight you.

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And I know people have sensed, I have bipolar vibes. Little do they know I'm on the other side of the coin, schizophrenia. A bit of addict energy too, sprinkle sprinkle.

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I like how much I can be myself in dojos and MMA gyms. People have to accept you for how you come.

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Because everybody in there, that stays, is fmucked up.

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||Can't wait, for a long weekend of cmocaine, after nearly breaking my spine.||
Tw planned and controlled drug use
The drug mentioned is ||coke||

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Long as I don't do that stuff before I walk into the dojo, they won't know about my habits. There's some things to look for if somebody's on that drug. Such as, irregular breathing, irregular heart rate pace/it being a lot faster than average or regular, wide eyes or dilated pupils, moving too fast for the room and being unable to adapt to it, a nose constantly dripping or bleeding, this and that.

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I have an excuse, "It's my nose piercing."

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And I feel like shit, for using that stuff on the weekends. Because on Mondays, I'm there, pulling up to the MMA gym. After doing it a day ago. And y'know... That stuff doesn't wear off right away.

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It's even more of a reason to keep going. Because I want people to beat me up for that, I must deserve it right

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Like yeah, I've watched all my consciousness fade away before. Not just here, but on drugs too. Wow, what a familiar feeling

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I'd recommend the sport to people who do self harm, and any form of addiction to anything

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Because it will replace feelings of those

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I hated how some guy around my age told me that I party too f@cking much if it means I'm forgetting certain moves I can pull, at that gym. Like f@ck you. My partying is a form of both of those.

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No fun having ass b@stard

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F@ck you don't tell me what to do I won't listen to what you tell me to do

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That C girl from my past made me into this pitbull terrier

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After she ditched my life I became a monster no joke

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For the best and worst

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A woman can leave your life and all of a sudden you're a pro martial artist the next year after

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They're miracles truly

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I'd add spoilers to this crap but I am dead tired

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Sorry

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I remember she got an entire school to bully me

quasi steeple
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MINES SCREWED TO BEGIN WITH SO IM FINE, I CAN AFFORD IT TO BE A LITTLE MORE MESSED UP, BUT CAN YOU?

quasi steeple
quasi steeple
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I remember when I was cooking fries tonight for my family and the hot oil was flying all over me and I just kept shouting out "I love the pain" lmao

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Burnt so good

quasi steeple
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It's Sunday August 31

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I try to underline that every time

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Easier to read

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I train kickboxing and fighting every week at several dojos

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It's my favorite hobby,
Martial arts.
In the forum post title.

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I don't like to fight people. I'll defend myself but I don't start any, but I'll finish one

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I remember telling my gf, her names Raya that I'll always be gentle with you

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Never get aggressive at girls, protect them

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To be the bigger person is important. If you can, walk away, then do that

quasi steeple
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The sport I do, its goal is to cause someone pain, and push their limits
You can't blame me
There's many people like me
I have a high pain tolerance.

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Pain makes you humble,
To go through something.

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Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger type of attitude

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The hobby can be intimidating
"In my spare time, I like to punch and tackle people"
I know

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I'm a careful guy
The hobby requires lots of permission, or consent

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when done with respect

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It's not that I want to cause people pain,
I'm not... sadistic
I want to be able to defend myself from them
However, sometimes
The best form of self defense is offence.

quasi steeple
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It's Wednesday September 3rd

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I love the sports, mixed martial arts. I do. But I don't wanna end up paralyzed by the time I'm 30. I don't wanna end up with a spinal or neck injury, or facial deformity.

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I sometimes wake up with weird injuries. I fear I'll make the wrong move, and never be the same again.
But I've done that before, permanent damage to myself, more mentally than physically.

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I don't wanna turn into a vegetable into the blink of an eye y'know? And be unable to move entire limbs for years or speak a proper sentence for myself.

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I would never forgive myself or the person who did that to me

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One wrong move and suddenly you're freaking Stephen Hawking

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Scary

quasi steeple
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Sooo uhhh
Nicotine addiction, my vaping habits, burden me

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I could tell my reputation at one of my dojos lowered a bit because, I was vaping outside of the place.

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Right at the entrance

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I'm not doing that anymore because... Well... Not the best advertisement?

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My vaping habits yet again kick me in the ass, and.. trouble me. Make me seem unprofessional.

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Like ahh... Shit. Damn some of you. Ever had a cigarette before? Like jeez. At least it's not in their washroom or changing rooms. Which I used to do, which is... very disrespectful, and I refuse to do ever again.

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People hate vaping so much, even more than they hate cigarettes for some reason.

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||Like one of you guys look like you're on damn amph3tamines all the time, fck off, alright?||
I'm talking about some sketchy new-hire trainer they just got there.

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And drugs that he's probably on, or doing, judging from his performance

quasi steeple
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Tue, Sept 9th
I went to MMA today. I felt less mentally stable than usual.
A person told me, "I'm scared" in our kickboxing course before starting to spar me. I told them, "Be scarier."
"The more scared you are, the scarier you become."
What stood out to me the most, was how my martial arts dojo sharpened my morals today.

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I was the last person to leave the dojo before the coach did. I was laughing to myself, down the street in the small dark city, high off my own pain and "hysteria."

quasi steeple
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I don't know why, but I feel sad right now.

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Just uh... my personality in the dojos I go to. My differences, how I talk, walk. I feel like a circus animal sometimes

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I'm tense. I'm honest. I'm raw.
I'm scared and I'm scary

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I'm loud, and I'm f*cked.

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I'm vulgar and rude.

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I lack morals, and then I have too much of them.

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I'm insane, I'm stable.

quasi steeple
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Mon, Sept 15
A wrist injury
My right hand was hurt while I was training hard
I was on performance enhancers, cough

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I'm realizing I've lost some health

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Even just turning my hand over is greatly painful

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Ye my right wrist bone is like a bit bigger than the left one

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There's certain stuff I can't do anymore, as easily

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Sometimes ure just going so fast you don't feel anything at all

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Had to show some ppl mercy today, ngl

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On sum mortal kombat shit

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and when you don't sleep for days, can't eat, nothing rlly heals

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my skins looking very rough

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I remember uhh today I wore this orange and purple training gear, like standing out a bit lol

quasi steeple
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It felt like I was flying or gliding

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I feel the pain of my wrist being hurt in my forearm too

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might have to go to the hospital next morning

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pick up some meds and get it checked

quasi steeple
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Yea I uh

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Have a sprained wrist

hazy nebula
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Are you ok now

quasi steeple
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Wednesday, September 24
I'm planning to go to martial arts today. It's been 9 days since spraining it.

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Gonna pick up an energy drink before fighting..
I ain't been eating enough... I'm sick too, but it's not contagious...

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and yeah I'm gonna be fighting... coughing like hell, and looking kinda unwell... but I'm tough

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I'm sorta... getting bonier. Hopefully sharper too.

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Those MMA gyms have seen some of my darkest days.
When I've felt down, and blue.

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Thanks for the 6 arms. That shows someone's listening...

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I'm weighing in at... 165lbs and 6'4. I've been heavier...

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Some years I've gained 10, other times loss.

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My aunt, Lilith who's house I live in is trying to convince me not to go. I guess, that's what caring about me is. But I really wanted to see my friends I train with. That's like a second home...

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She said, "With how sick you are, you gonna be coughing on everyone there all the time?" I told them people are there constantly coughing anyway... from being choked

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I'm numb to pain right now

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After my sprained wrist and this sickness.. I've been feeling a lot rougher.

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People at my college are noticing how sick I've looked too... teachers have been eyeballing my dark under eyes and low energy. That's why I've been running off coffees and energy drinks throughout the days to stay awake. I'm not getting much rest, skipping some nights of sleep and doing naps.

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I feel, uh, more dangerous.

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Not just to others but myself... I mean, spraining my own wrist and continuing to fight... That's uh... Something.

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Just have an appetite to fight, I'm after that high

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Last time I fought... I was kickboxing and I knocked a guy flat on the floor in a second with one punch.

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I had then trained some Judo that same day, and was forcing people into positions... that was unlike me but it seems my style is developing into that. However I need to survive

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Don't worry... everything I state here is consensual and being done in gyms made for MMA

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But yeah... The forcefulness I felt, and the strength. An aggression, I guess.

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And I was really standing out from the rest... I could sense recognition coming my way, maybe even a promotion

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My heartbeat is feeling irregular, my oxygen levels don't seem the best either right now too, and I have no hunger cues, from my sickness.

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I'm flushed at random times... and my temperature is a bit off too. Like overheating when everyone else is fine. When I eat food, my pupils dilate extra...

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It's very hard to eat.

quasi steeple
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I wouldn't say I'm in good health.

quasi steeple
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...bought a pineapple mango energy drink

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toughest drink around

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I was hoping I could make it to my gym early before the fighting starts
but now that I'm driving there it's taking me a longer time
traffic and stuff

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I'm listening to, "CPR" by Two Feet

quasi steeple
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Thursday, September 25th
I came here to write that I was overdoing it in my martial art gyms, to both prove myself, and to others that I can hurt them, beat them, win. Even if the cost of it is hurting myself too.

quasi steeple
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I remember, uh...

quasi steeple
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and it's because of substances and the type of person you turn into off of them

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and I let myself become this way, I wasn't forced into losing myself and taking darker turns

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I don't even recognize myself anymore because I've turned into someone else. He's like the other half of me, less healthier, less nicer, less of a good guy.
I don't know if these are personality issues.

quasi steeple
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I used to be a quieter guy, I was stealthy in the sports' ways, introverted, I wasn't just that but I was uhh, more 'polite' too I suppose. A more cut-edge guy - and then I turned into someone far edgier. But with duality, I can be both, but at the same time? It's a balance to maintain

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On that same day I was feeling underplayed. I had turned a guy around in front of the head coach of the gym and started strangling him with my arm. My opposite hand holding his face, and twisting it deeper into the choke. While I stared my coach in the eyes.

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And I do it for the reason that you all think, to see people react to the pain im causing them. That guy was my competition, and he's months ahead of me in experience from training a lot more than me. Because I have to balance school and other shit with MMA.

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I'm still trying to figure out the kind of person I am, but I've lost a lot of him with substances I've done. I let go, and I let go, it's hard to stay attached to one version of yourself. I guess I've wanted to try having a lack of self identity, but I know deep down inside that is a strong quality of mine because there are parts of me that has never left -- and always stayed. Since the day I was born.

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I'm going to start being mean to that competition. Oh no, so scary, but that guy sometimes sits himself in front of my view. Or stands in front of me. That's rude already. How the fk you an instructor but no spatial awareness, next time he does that I'm saying those exact words, get out of my way dumbass.

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and yeah that guy became an instructor that pretty much works at that dojo now from how "good he is," good my ass. That guy was definitely training off "performance enhancers." I just could tell. I know it without him being caught for it. I'm not just projecting but I know what it looks like. It even drove some people away until he got his ass beat enough times to pipe down.

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All those people are pissing me off. Right before I left, I told everyone in the gym that I was gonna beat the shit out of everyone who has been receiving recognition for their experience near my own. Because I haven't been receiving the same. Then I walked out. Like the bad mtherfckr I am, and I'm not bluffing, I'm making enemies.

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They just haven't been seeing me enough to, recognize me. Right. That's what that guy said. Haha.

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I remember that stupid f ing kid around my age that told me, "Party? You party too much then if your memory is being impacted by it." That guy is on my hit list too for this dojo. He's going down. I outcrazy him by a lot. Sometimes when you're mentally ill like me, you're a better fighter. Just because you're messier, less predictable, there's pains in the mentally ill that saner characters just don't have in their bones.

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You know... Clearly... There's good decisions and an innocence in you that I entirely lack, and for that reason, I will win this fight, what? You do this for fun? Fitness? And there's trauma in my bite

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Like whatever, I won't judge your reasons, but mine are different, and I'm scarier, by a ton, doesn't matter how much that guy trains, it's also what's in the brains

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All professional and fit and sh!t. That guy runs off of good stretching and 4 litres of water. I was once almost that good of a man. Not anymore.

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Like, sorry, but you simply do not possess enough traits of a maniac, or mad man, like I do, that is put into my fights, I don't care how many yoga positions you get into before this sh!tshow starts. I'm dumber and crazier. I will be taking the cake for the next few rounds with that one. I just know it. These guys are dead to me.

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And not just the type of sht I've become but what I've always been. An animal less interested in safety and more one of chaos

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It's dramatic, but it's true. There's this... and then there's that...

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A bit random but recently I got glasses, to see further distances. I can see more details in my everyday life now, less blurry, foggy, dim. I was thinking, holy sht I gotta take these off most the time, most people are ugly as hell, I'd rather be blind. Hahaha

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Yeah, pretty interesting tool

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I'm kidding about that, by the way. People aren't perfect, obviously, but when I didn't have glasses I couldn't see people and their faces/expressions/eyes as good from further away. Like people would leave my sight, of being able to read them for longer, because of my bad vision.

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I remember asking this girl that has a crush on me if I looked smarter with them on, in my math class from school. She laughed out loud, and then said, "Well.. I mean.. other people who usually ask that are actually dumber, because they wanna look smarter."

Gee, thanks.
Whatever that means, right.

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I think she called me dumb, not entirely sure. I can't seem to calculate that.

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I might've set her up to say that response actually without me even knowing it.

quasi steeple
# quasi steeple I remember that stupid f ing kid around my age that told me, "Party? You party t...

and yeah, I'm offended, a little bit, when people mention my bad memory. I don't like it, because it's a noticeable flaw of mine. Some sort of short term memory loss I suffer from, and it's from stuff that only I know about in depth that I'd rather not share most the time because it makes me seem stupid to talk about it, but it's actually affected me, a lot, from learning new things, to the average casual conversation, remembering basic and or important information... and in martial arts too. It may be a shortcoming of mine

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A part of it is also having a heavy selective memory. If I don't wanna remember something, or if I don't register it as relevant or important to me then I will simply close it out of my memory after deciding to not care about it or consider that info. Like a strong, carelessness. It sounds mean, but it's true. In other words, not giving a crap, even when you're trying your best to when someone's asked you, "Do you remember what I just said???" Three times in a row.

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I don't even remember exam dates. I only selectively remember and consider that info when it's just around the corner and about a week or so away. I'll be studying until it shows up though. I just don't need to be stressing like everyone else is, counting down each f king second of my life. Some things I don't have to know, and yet what I do know is everything will be okay.

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In MMA, it's harder to remember whatever fancy B.S they wanna teach. It doesn't matter to me. Half of that crap people aren't pulling in street fights anyway. I know I can fight, that's what matters

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Some days my memory is worse than usual, and it visibly shows on my face, or expression, in my eyes, that I am a spacey guy. Or like one of my language teachers once said to me, "not all mentally there" just based off of looking at me in the eyes, and not knowing me whatsoever. That's how they want to judge me, then fine. Nobody's perfect. I guess it's a very blank look I give, and I feared I wouldn't pass her class after being pulled out for looking that way. The fact this grown ass woman pointed that out to me, mind you a teacher that scans over dozens to hundreds of people/students a day, she notices that, and I am aware of that feature of my own face too. It also has to do with my schizophrenia, it's called, flat affect. It causes my facial expressions at times to be deadpan. With that... some things I don't always catch, being so disinterested or careless at times, I become a forgetful person overall. It all just ties into together.

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I remember after the only psychotic episode I ever had, a girl told me, "When you look at me it feels like you're staring at me. You don't just look at things, you stare, and that must be your regular face."

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If any of you have ever met a schizophrenic person before, you may have noticed at times they'll have "staring spells" or times they blank-out. Or appear emotionally dead.

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Whatever.

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I remember when MMA saved my ass from wanting to kill people after that psychotic episode

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Do you know that one scene from Wendy Williams television show where she acts shocked at what she said herself

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I'm hitting one of those right now

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Like what? Oh my gosh what did he just say?

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Lol yeah

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I know, fhking crazy

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But I'm not homicidal anymore because of martial arts, it's helped my mental health in that way

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What did he just say

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Yeah I know it's terrifying

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Umm empathy problems have entered the chat

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Hello martial art fanatics

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What were you expecting honestly

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CLAP IF YOUVE EVER WANTED TO KILL SOMEBODY

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HAHAHA OH MY GODDD THAT WAS THE PERFECT TIME TO DELIVER THAT

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IM SO BAD IM SORRY

thorny osprey
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Especially Philadelphia style 🔥

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I like defense

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Huge fan of defense 🔥

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I love blocking and dodging punches

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Being able to dodge punches like Mayweather

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Unable to get hit

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I like that feeling when I’m untouchable

quasi steeple
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Hahaha

quasi steeple
# thorny osprey I like that feeling when I’m untouchable

I like playing more offence
Some people will say, someone's best defense is offence
That's how I roll
I like feeling unstoppable, flying through people
I know what you mean by untouchable, you walk in there fresh and come out without a scratch, moving too fast

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and in these places, people see sides of you, like how brutal or merciful you can be

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You get to show some of the world why you shouldn't be reckoned with

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It's liberating

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You get good enough, people can't lay a hand on you

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Everybody in there cold as shit

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The mentalities of martial artists are ruthless if I do say so myself

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You can see people get in touch with this primal version of themselves like fighting is animalistic

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It's a buzz and fighting for days gives you this frenzy high

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Nice message you responded to there, lol

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I get edgy, and blood thirsty

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The closeness of having somebody's else life in your hands and vice versa just for the hell of it

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I like how most of the people you meet through the sport are extreme or intense in their own ways

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The personalities are unique and uncompromising

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The mentalities are dangerous and cutthroat

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I start to think of my whole body as a weapon, tool, mechanism to use to win

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At the end of the day, everybody's fighting something. Whether it's mentally, physically, abusiveness in their life

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I like how you can test people's vindictiveness, temper, and their forgiveness by bumping into them outside of training

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MMA made me quit my chronic smoking habit because I noticed how much it fatigued me and slowed me down

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I like how if somebody actually tries to mess with you outside of the dojo, you can quickly sit them down and in a flash they realize they do not wanna mess with you

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Just having a bit of MMA experience wires your endurance to be better than any street fighter

thorny osprey
quasi steeple
thorny osprey
quasi steeple
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Nice, Philly shell

bleak lantern
quasi steeple
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Friday October 10
I had gone to MMA recently. As some of you may know I've been getting over a 3 week long sickness that's felt almost like a fever. I gave it to myself, willingly. Was sick before that, just sick in the head.

As I looked around me to see everyone in top shape, athletic, strong, fierce, I was deteriorated in health. Hunched over, sunken in, my head feeling like there's a magnet pulling it straight into the ground ahead of me like I can't even hold my own head or body up. I got a few pats on the shoulder and back. Worried looks, oh the pity, I hate. I told the group of people from the dojo that I was partying and clubbing out till 3 AM, dancing instead of fighting, having a loss of self, and feeling lost. They looked ahead of themselves, in focus and stoicism, not attaching to my demeanor that was infected with a hedonism most people wouldn't dare to stomach, or appoint a level of self destruction to.
I was getting beat the crap out of, and the worst part about it? Was that I didn't feel anything. My body, was hurting, in pain, but my mind was unshaken and I was just being taken by all of them however they wanted. I was weak, diminished, unrecognizable, and still am. I told them I showed up not to fight, but to get in touch with qualities and strengths of others that I once saw in a better version of myself.

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I had someone ask me, "Are you indulging in substances and stuff like that behind the scenes?"
I visibly looked away to the side, from their face, like I couldn't face the question, a hesitance to answer, before I turned my head back to them and gave an indirect one. "Hedonism is a substance." With dark circles all around my eyes, that are reaching my temples. Before I stepped away.

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My posture is the visibly worst in the room in comparison to everyone else. I was murmuring, mumbling, unable to form sharper sentences and jabs. A pro or trainer steps up to me and says they'd like to spar with me, I accept, and they rough the hell out of me -- even more than I already am. The coach leaves me with this scratch-looking-scar on my T-zone or lower forehead that is right in front of my eyebrow, on top of the wrinkles I had recently gotten from the substance use I was doing.

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And I have a feeling, this coach left that scar there with... Intentional placement. He made that scratch on my forehead to show me he saw new wrinkles on my face. Yep. Interesting how good fighters can do that to you.

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Thanks for punching that wrinkle man... Wow. What a direct hitter. Really making it show a lot more. Calling attention to it. Maybe he can leave me two big black eyes too. To accentuate that part of my features now as well.

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I was itching and scratching at my face, my nose. Unable to mask my current state. I pointed out some other guys at the dojo that were around my age. Fit, stoic, determined, and most of all, healthy. Some of those qualities which I was beginning to lose.

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My reputation lowering, with little to no care. I remember telling the dojo, "You have good examples here, but someone has to be the bad one too. What not to follow, what not to be." And I was talking about me.

quasi steeple
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Ive had less energy to fight because I'm not eating enough that I should

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Struggling with eating and food because of a low appetite from doing unhealthy stuff instead

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Martial arts was my passion and now it feels like I'm just fading away

sour fable
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man carry glucose tables with you

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if u wanna get bulky with less eating , then try eating dry fruits , 1 bowl dry fruits ( almonds , cashew , walnuts ) = 1 bowl rice , but eating rice makes you full , dry fruits wont even affect your stomach capacity and gain equal caloried

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and

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if u wanna get lean

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then avoid starchy food completely

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also dont eat junk pls

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ull think that 1 pizza wont affect

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but it affects the most man